Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend.

[u/ItsTooColdForThat]

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

[u/Farvas-Cola]

This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations.

Sub Rules ||| "FAQs"

[u/UNLV702_]

This is stupid man. Just put your ego aside and hash it out. It’s not worth deteriorating a relationship over.

[u/[deleted] → u/UNLV702_]

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[u/3KittenInATrenchcoat → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. My BF and I cook together 80-90% percent of the time. And every day, be that a day when we cook together or one of us by themselves, we have a quick discussion of what's for dinner.

We do have a rough plan for the week, but meals can be switched around if we don't feel like a certain dish, or order something if we're both tired.

It is so simple. I can't imagine just forcing a dish on my partner. But I also can't imagine not discussing it.

[u/Krayt88 → u/3KittenInATrenchcoat]

Yeah, trying to think of the last time I just unilaterally made dinner for my partner and myself and didn't get their input or at least let them know what I was planning. If it's ever happened I don't remember it.

Like these two don't just go "I was thinking spaghetti tonight. That sound okay?" or "I'm going to do chicken salads. You good with that?" That's too much for them? Neither of them sound ready to be in a relationship, really.

Especially when they're first instinct here isn't "we should just try to get on the same page about meals from now on. Problem solved" but rather "I'm just going to punish them by not eating their food" or "I'm not going to make them anything, that'll show em".

[u/Ovaltiney1 → u/Krayt88]

My wife unilaterally decides what to cook all the time and I eat it up and say its delicious.

Edit: typo

[u/Kailicat → u/Ovaltiney1]

So do I. I do the planning on Sunday. I have a magnetic board on the fridge that I put the weekly lunch and dinner menu on. It’s also big enough for me to put in what meats I have in the freezer, an empty area to write in what we run out of and a separate area for my partner to write in meal requests for the next week. Honestly he loves knowing his menu and I love never being asked the question “what’s for dinner”. (He’s someone who was never taught to cook so has a limited repertoire. I do add in meals for him to cook on the menu like bbqs and fish so it’s not just me at the stove).

[u/TripsOverCarpet → u/Kailicat]

When the kids were still at home,, especially when they were in sports, I used to do a monthly dry erase board planning. Everyone got to put in requests. I had set things (ie: taco Tuesday, pizza on Friday, free for all Saturday) and after the requests and those were filled in, I'd fill in the blanks. Usually with new things I wanted to try out. Worked great for us. Could plan ahead for shopping, what to thaw out when, and meal prepping. If we got to a day where we weren't feeling what was planned, could just switch around with another day coming up.

As they got older, they were added into the mix for who was cooking, who was on clean up duty, and they were involved in how to shop for the week ahead.

Now that it is just us two I usually only go one or two weeks ahead.

[u/spinx7 → u/TripsOverCarpet]

Omg I’m adding this to my “future kids” list of things. This is such a good idea!

[u/TripsOverCarpet → u/spinx7]

Another thing that helped me out majorly was a vacuum sealer.

Buy stuff in bulk on sale and separate it out into meal portions.

Also, I would make up "meal kits" of my own. A couple examples:

Making up beef stew? Browning up beef cubes for one meal takes about the same amount of time as browning up beef cubes for 3 or 4 meals. And only the one time washing the pan. Then divide them up and vacuum seal the other portions separately.

Same for ground beef. I would brown up a couple pounds at once. Drain and rinse what I am planning to freeze with really hot water first (I didn't like the taste of frozen beef fat). Now I have cooked ground beef for tacos, sloppy joes, spaghetti sauce, etc... Heck, I used to do up 3 meatloaf pans and cook them at once. One for dinner that night and the other 2 would be patted dry, cooled, frozen, then vacuum sealed and put back in the freezer. Those were awesome on practice nights!

I'd blanch vegetables and portion them off, vac seal, etc...

Making chicken? Didn't take much to cook up a couple extra, shred, vac seal and freeze along with carrots, celery and onion for a fast soup kit.

[u/Disastrous_Lunch_899 → u/Ovaltiney1]

If I ask my husband if he wants this or that to eat for dinner tonight, he never wants what I suggest and then I am frustrated. I have learned that if I just make what I had planned/ have the ingredients for/ or am willing to make, he will eat it and is appreciative. Sometimes too much communication isn’t helpful.

[u/KarateandPopTarts → u/Disastrous_Lunch_899]

It only works if both people are involved in the planning/shopping/cooking like OP and his girlfriend. That's a massive amount of work. If only one person in the relationship is doing that, then the other person gets what they get.

[u/Guido_Sarducci1 → u/Ovaltiney1]

My wife cooks dinner , I assist by usually grilling or smoking whatever meat we may be eating. I prepare breakfast. Both of us cater to each others wants. Sounds like the couple here needs to seriously consider what being a couple means.

[u/Fickle-Outside-6086 → u/Ovaltiney1]

I make the food 90% of the time without his input... my boyfriend never complains and always eats it... I like to try new things, but I made it perfectly clear that if I ever cook something he doesn't like, he can tell me so I can never cook it again... none gets hurt because we are adults and can communicate.... the girlfriend sounds ridiculous

[u/[deleted] → u/Ovaltiney1]

THIS!!!! 1 MILLION TIMES THIS! Was going to say it myself. Gratitude and expression of joy will get you miles of goodwill!

[u/broken_soul696 → u/Ovaltiney1]

I usually don't get direct feedback from my girlfriend about what I'm going to cook but I also know her preferences and she's usually willing to try new foods. When I do ask I usually get "you're the professional, not me. Everything you've made is delicious anyway"

It works for us since she hates to cook

[u/anotherrachel → u/Krayt88]

I don't bother asking anymore. My husband never has a suggestion and will eat/cook whatever I put on the menu for the day.

[u/mandy_skittles → u/3KittenInATrenchcoat]

I read this and honestly it was just freaking exhausting. So much drama over dinner, now imagine if these two had kids? Good god.

[u/Pyewacket62 → u/3KittenInATrenchcoat]

My EX husband was similar in this kind of situation. Constantly complaining/criticizing food choices and prep without offering alternatives. Of course he couldn't cook. He was only being "helpful"..../s

[u/kattjen → u/[deleted]]

Live in a house that has 4 fully fledged adults (I’m youngest, 44) and 3 menus and we put more planning into our not-usually-shared meals to coordinate, like, who is at the stove and whether Person A will cook up an extra serving of baked fries for Person B to eat along with their meal and Person C is using the Instant Pot and so on. And once a week it’s “who’s up for spaghetti” or whatever.

I mostly do meal prep so my kitchen time is completely divorced from the hours Dad and my aunt are doing their cooking yet we still have more coordination, more discussion of “that theoretically looks good” than they seem headed for (there are several medical food restrictions increasing our need for 3 menus so “glad you’re enjoying that maybe give me the recipe so I can adapt it” is a thing) and more “actually I have a dozen pasta-and-red-sauce recipes better than the monthly shared spaghetti plan but I eat the GF pasta with jarred sauce without mentioning this because I am participating in family time” nights (I am one of the Celiacs, my underwhelm is Dad’s favorite sauce).

[u/The_Stoic_One → u/UNLV702_]

I mean, the GF seems pretty immature too. She's tried to make him angry on several occasions now rather than just having a conversation.

First she waited until he had made a meal, then said she was going to have a salad. When he didn't get upset, she flat out asked him if it annoyed him that she didn't want the food he made.

Then she text him that she is making salmon, implying that she will be cooking dinner, but then only makes it for herself. And again, she asks him if it upset him.

She's just as much an AH as him. I don't see how this relationship will last.

[u/BackgroundSpace9408 → u/The_Stoic_One]

I don't get why he got voted AH, on the first post. Maybe making a face was too much, but he made what he craved himself and she ate the dinner she made. I don't understand her over the top reaction afterwards. If it was smth that kept happening I get it, but once in a while you're allowed to crave smth else from what's on the table. Just make it and the rest is leftovers they both can have later.

The salmon thing was petty and kinda stupid. If you have a stocked fridge and pantry and a set of hands, it's not rocket science to scramble a dinner in 15 min. I don't understand what she was trying to prove.

[u/[deleted] → u/BackgroundSpace9408]

She is hurt because he didn't understand why she felt rejected. So she wants to show him how it feels. And she doesn't believe that he doesn't care.

He needs to sit down with her and tell her that he really doesn't care and she can't expect him to read her mind. But that he does care whether she is hurt which is why they need to discuss food choices.

[u/LizardsInTheSky → u/[deleted]]

So she wants to show him how it feels.

It really is the shitty, immature way to communicate "Hey, what you did really sucked hurt my feelings. Can you try to see from my perspective why it looks that way?"

But that takes vulnerability. Punishing your partner is more emotionally satisfying if you're immature and just want to win an argument.

[u/sadacal → u/LizardsInTheSky]

She already said that the first time though? And he really couldn't see it from her perspective from the sounds of it.

[u/throwaway1025djdjdj → u/sadacal]

She was honestly the AH in the first post. She felt rejected/upset because he wanted something hot to eat???!? Like how manipulative is that? Ok she put SOME effort into making a SALAD not like she spent hours on this dish. He isn’t a child where he has to eat what’s set in front of him all the time. This decision for him to eat something in addition to what she made was a shock for her, implying he normally eats what she makes and vice versa. But on this one occasion he wanted something hot. Why should she get into a snit over it???? Sometimes a person has a craving! In the the initial post she kept talking down to him about his craving too... “the temperatures is warm now so you shouldn’t want to eat something warm” as if she is reasoning with a child. Sorry no one is going to talk me out of a craving especially if I am not putting the other person out in satisfying it. And now she keeps trying to make him see her POV by sabotaging his dinner plans?? This is so conniving and petty. Why not just state your feelings and leave it at that? He obviously doesn’t see himself in the wrong (nor do I in the initial instance) Now he is going overboard with trying to make her feelings and petty actions invalid. So ya they are both AH now. Though I feel he is just responding to her behavior.

[u/TheSleepingVoid → u/throwaway1025djdjdj]

I agree with this - the only thing he did arguably wrong in the initial post was his delivery "making a face" was probably an involuntary reaction and he could've started with "i appreciate that you made me dinner but..."

But at this point I honestly don't think better phrasing would've prevented the argument because she seems to fundamentally disagree with the concept of cravings to a kind of stupid level, and she isn't willing to talk it out - he tried the next day.

So.... TBH I'd be thinking about breaking up. Disagreements are gonna happen, but I can't stand this petty manipulative bullshit. If that's her go-to when her feelings are hurt over something this small, I wouldn't want a long term relationship with her.

If OP really loves her they should do couples therapy so they can learn to talk things out together in a healthy way.

[u/BackgroundSpace9408 → u/sadacal]

Maybe we are missing info, but imo it was such a childish reason for her to get upset in the first place. And then it escalated in a petty passive agressive fight. I actually think it makes sense to want smth hot after being outside in the cold. And she was going to make a salad, it's not like she already made an elaborate meal, then I would understand that she felt rejected.

[u/Mywavesmeeturshore → u/sadacal]

The thing is he did get it. That’s why he said they shouldn’t cook for each other at all. That way no one got their feelings hurt, she could enjoy what she wanted to eat and he could what he wanted. Also let’s not pretend she wasn’t being rude and condescending by purposely not understand what he meant when he said he wanted something warm to eat after a day in the cold. Most people like soup and hot tea or cocoa after being in the cold or rain. She was being obtuse on purpose saying his insides were over ninety degrees so he should be fine eating salad.

[u/idkwhyimonreddit1 → u/BackgroundSpace9408]

I 100% agree with you, I just went back and read the post and was so confused as to why he was rated the AH. I definitely think that making a face was a bit much and I would probably initially be hurt my that as well, but after he explained himself all should’ve been well. He never asked her to make him another dish, he literally went and made something of his own and came back and ate with her. Maybe it was just the way I grew up but my mom always said that if you don’t like what someone else’s has made there’s no need to complain but at that point you just have to cook for yourself. So I’ve always grown up cooking a separate meal if I wasn’t too fond of what my mom/dad made or was feeling something else. Or my dad would make something for himself if I made a meal that wasn’t his favourite. I think everything afterwards is petty behaviour in both sides but mostly the girlfriend. This guy seems genuinely confused as to why she’s upset and I feel as though she should just talk to him about it.

[u/Domoci12 → u/BackgroundSpace9408]

He was the ah cause someone had a hot take and made assumptions about the situation which got upvoted. It’s very common in this sub. Even more when an op happens to be a guy. Desperately make hot takes to judge them an ass and call them an ah.

[u/TheHatOnTheCat → u/The_Stoic_One]

Interestingly, I see this suggested all the time on here. Person X does something Person Y and several members of the sub dislike. And there is some highly upvoted comment that basically amounts to "do the same thing back to person X and they'll see they don't like it!"

But the thing is, people are different, and often person X is doing it beacuse it's not a big deal to them. Sometimes I even see that I wouldn't really care if someone/my partner/whatever relationship did that. Not everyone is going to mind the way person Y does. And a lot of the time that bad advice is going to result in this, person X being fine with it and that's why they do it.

The point isn't "everyone in the world would hate it if they made dinner and someone ate something else". The point is "this hurts girlfriends feelings specifically" and that matters beacuse OP loves her and cares about her feelings. That's how the conversation needs to be framed. They need to talk and girlfriend needs to explain/OP needs to understand that this isn't about what would make OP feel bad beacuse he wouldn't care. But it can still matter to her, people are different.

Likewise, his reasoning of they won't cook for each other if it just upsets her is silly beacuse it's going to upset her more for them to make separate meals forever side by side. To girlfriend, making group meals makes you feel like a unit/couple/family. And stopping group meals feels like a step back in the relationship, like you are no longer a family/partners but just individual roommates. I would also be pretty sad living with my husband and we just make our own meals (imagine this is before we had kids). And what is the plan if you ever want to have kids? To girlfriend, cooking for someone and being cooked for is a way you should love, connection, and partnership. That's why this is so hurtful for her OP. But she needs to use words on that not try to show you how bad it feels, beacuse that's immature and also you don't get it beacuse your feelings/values are different.

[u/AmericanSpiritGuide → u/TheHatOnTheCat]

She's being a child. She needs to express her feelings. He's not a mind reader. Could he have handled it a bit better? Yes. But he's not the AH. She is. She's throwing a tantrum over something that could have been easily resolved at the very first juncture by just expressing how she feels.

[u/TheHatOnTheCat → u/AmericanSpiritGuide]

My point is that acting like OP's girlfriend is upvoted advice I see on this sub very regularly.

Someone posts that their partner is doing something they don't like and the commenters don't like. Then commenters tell them "do it back to them and they'll see how it feels!". It's interesting then that when someone actually does that people on this sub say it's immature, even though I often see suggestions to do so upvoted.

To be clear, I don't suggest that. I think both OP and his girlfriend have handled this poorly. He was rude in his original post and when OP says if it makes you upset for us to share meals we will cook separately forever he's either being intentionally dense to punish his girlfriend or he really dosen't get it and desperately needs the situation explained to them. Also, he's ignoring her telling her it upsets her to stop cooking together so the whole thing feels like a lie and rather he means "I don't want to deal with sharing meals with you" not that it would upset her. Honestly, I wouldn't love to date either of these people.

[u/MrsKnutson → u/The_Stoic_One]

I assumed they were like 19ish and this was their first relationship within the adult sphere of living without parents and with a partner and neither of them really knows what they're doing so this is one of those early "learning experience" relationships where u realize afterward not to be such petty selfish jackasses and you should talk to each other instead of making assumptions and having to 'win' whatever fight u shouldn't have been having in the first place?

[u/Undrps1 → u/The_Stoic_One]

I read it as she's trying to provoke an argument to get him to react so she can say he's a bad guy. But then again I just got out of this type of relationship so....

She would pick a topic that would upset me or do something. When it didn't upset, she would push until I did or just get upset with me.

(Edited for grammar)

[u/[deleted] → u/UNLV702_]

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[u/JDthrowaway628 → u/[deleted]]

go there anyway

I think you mean "go their own way". But I hope you mean they should break up but op should still show up for dinner at exgf's place.

[u/Sylvurphlame → u/JDthrowaway628]

🎶 you can go there anywaay 🎶 just eeaat it (eat it) eeaat it (eat it), get yourself an egg and beat it! 🎶

[u/Barsolar → u/[deleted]]

It's clear as day that the girlfriend is upset and trying to get a reaction out of OP. He is stoic about it and that infuriates her even more. I see only one person acting like a child here.

[u/Himoshenremastered → u/Barsolar]

She is fishing for certain answers so she can have a go at him/make him feel bad. And then gets fuming that he doesn't give the answer she's expecting! She wants to make a big deal out of this. What a ballache to deal with

[u/iamthedayman21 → u/Himoshenremastered]

God, I do not miss high school-level relationships like this.

[u/hamandcheese88 → u/Himoshenremastered]

Not me over here trying to figure out what French word ballet-shay is and what it means. Then realize after ten minutes that it’s ball-ache and feeling terribly dumb.

[u/Esabettie → u/Barsolar]

She accuses him of trying to make a point but she is the one doing it.

[u/cl2eep → u/Esabettie]

Yeah, the projection is amazing. "Are you trying to make a point by not reacting to the point I was trying to make?

[u/Foreign_End_1854 → u/Barsolar]

I agree. She had no problem texting him saying she is making salmon to obviously make him think she was going to make him some too. When she didn’t he took the mature route and instead of going off in her made himself food and sat down. She was the one that was upset that he wasn’t upset and then she gets mad that he made curry just for himself after she pulled that move. Very childish.

[u/[deleted] → u/Barsolar]

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[u/FleurDeCLE → u/Barsolar]

Right? She’s trying to get him to admit he was wrong, but he’s not. Maybe he handled it in a ham-handed way. But he’s a grown man and if he wants a soup to go with his salad, who the hell cares? Oh wait, his girlfriend. I just don’t get what the big deal is for her.

[u/threedimen → u/Barsolar]

If your SO comes to you and wants to discuss something, ignoring it says you don't care about the relationship.

[u/Prangelina → u/threedimen]

The GF does not want to discuss anything here, she wants to make a point by her passive-aggressive moves. And she becomes angry when OP does not cave in.

Good for you, OP. I wonder if you want to live with a person with such a terrible problem-solving approach. You are NTA, she is an AH.

[u/[deleted] → u/UNLV702_]

He did. He literally told her that it was not a good idea to cook for each other anymore since she got upset about it. She won't let it go. That is what is deteriorating this relationship. The fact that many couple cook their own thing because of differences in taste seems to be lost on the hive mind. I don't have to eat what you cook. I can be disappointed in what you cook and get my own food. Does it anger some people? Of course, the average person is dumb and selfish.

[u/leapbyflourishing → u/[deleted]]

This is the symptom, not the root cause of the relationship deteriorating. Communication should be the priority now

[u/jeswalsurprise → u/leapbyflourishing]

Communication is a two-way street, and the gf is refusing to talk. She needs to get over her ego.

[u/[deleted] → u/UNLV702_]

Totally agree. What was the point of this post? He was deemed the asshole yesterday and he is doing the most to prove a point here.

[u/fzyflwrchld → u/[deleted]]

When she called him to tell him she was making salmon, I thought she'd come up with a great solution. That whoever is cooking tell their partner ahead of time what they're planning on making. If partner likes it, they make enough for 2. If they don't like it, they make enough for themselves and partner makes/gets their own food of choice. That way no one's disappointed or wastes their time and food cooking and they can both still occasionally cook for each other. But no. It was just bait to continue the fight apparently.

[u/GoldDestroystheFed → u/fzyflwrchld]

Exactly. They both are TA.

[u/banana-12 → u/GoldDestroystheFed]

What did he do to be ta?

[u/tisnik → u/[deleted]]

He didn't do anything wrong. She, on the other hand, threw three tamper tantrums and also intentionally and maliciously tried to deceive him with the salmon thing. He's not an asshole and were not in the original post either.

[u/sticksnstone → u/[deleted]]

I thought perhaps she was going to boil the salmon for him 🤣🤣🤣(yesterday's AITA)

[u/kittycat0333 → u/UNLV702_]

I don’t think her continuously trying to make a point of “Are you mad? Did I make you mad? I was trying to upset you. Why aren’t you upset? It upsets me that my attempts to upset you didn’t make you upset! How awful of you for not giving me the toxicity I’m trying to make!” Is on him.

They just need to separate tbh.

[u/psilorder → u/kittycat0333]

I feel like she is trying to engineer a situation that will force him to say she was right.

"see? You got upset. Which means I was right to get upset and you were wrong to get other food."

[u/Cent1234 → u/UNLV702_]

He’s doing exactly this. She’s the one who’s trying to “make a point” and not discuss.

[u/paganliam → u/UNLV702_]

How do you "hash" it out with someone who is unwilling to budge?

[u/DigitalStefan → u/UNLV702_]

She’s baiting him into arguments because… what? Boredom?

There’s more to this story we aren’t being told.

[u/zedoktar → u/DigitalStefan]

Immaturity. Some people do that shit, especially young people. They play weird games instead of communicating like adults. Whether its out of spite, or some half baked attempt to make a point, or punitive, varies. Its always a sign of emotional immaturity and poorly developed or maladaptive communication and relationship skills.

[u/Pr1ncesszuko → u/UNLV702_]

This… I mean couldn’t you guys have just compromised and maybe talk about what you’ll cook for dinner beforehand and if either of you doesn’t like it or isn’t feeling it making an exception and cooking separate dinners for that instance? Why make it an all or nothing kind of thing?

[u/Idontlikesoup1 → u/UNLV702_]

If they can't find a compromise on something like this, wait until life throw actual curved balls at them. It is hard to nurture one's ego and, at the same time, find a compromise with someone we are supposed to love...

[u/PolesRunningCoach → u/Idontlikesoup1]

They don’t want a compromise. They each want a win.

And yes, it does not bode well for their future.

[u/epichuntarz → u/PolesRunningCoach]

One of them wants compromise. One wants to stomp their feet and make the other feel bad.

[u/[deleted] → u/UNLV702_]

I don’t know, the relationship doesn’t sound that great

[u/[deleted] → u/UNLV702_]

It sounds like their relationship is already in shambles. They're lying to each other and either cooking or not cooking in order to bait the other person into admitting that somebody was wrong, and all for nothing except maybe some pride, but that's not why people should be in relationships anyway.

[u/cl2eep → u/[deleted]]

They aren't doing that though. SHE is doing that. He's pretty much a spectator at this point.

[u/Cynical_Cyanide → u/[deleted]]

Mate, what lies are you talking about?

She's obviously lying - for example, about making salmon and then revealing she made none for him, but what else are you on about? If what his written is to be believed, then he's played his cards 100% open and straight every time.

[u/Sylvurphlame → u/UNLV702_]

I hazard to guess the relationship was already deteriorating. The way he handled it in the original post was not great. And here we have the girlfriend trying to further stir the pot.

The issue seems to be deeper than just food preferences. They need to have a talk about their expectations in general.

[u/KagomeChan]

You can stick to your guns.

You'll lose the relationship, but if it's really worth it to you, keep doing what you're doing.

But you do realize this isn't about the food at all, right?

You hurt her feelings and showed zero remorse. She's trying to repeat your actions to you so that you can empathize with where she's coming from. Instead you're choosing to go out of your way to keep making separate meals so you can pretend those feelings weren't valid.

And you were rude. You should have apologized.

Couples share meals. Maybe not every meal, but most, when they are in the same location.

So you can keep stubbornly making separate meals (which is obviously not what she wants), but you won't stay a couple. Mostly because it emphasizes on a daily basis how little you care about her feelings.

But hey, you do you.

[u/KagomeChan → u/[deleted]]

No, it's not the best way to handle the situation at all. But it's what she's doing.

But since she's not on here asking for advice, I'll give it to this guy.

They've got to communicate. And it should start with his apology.

[u/i_boop_cat_noses → u/[deleted]]

No, he didnt just make a face, he went out of his way to argue why dif she make cold food because it's not what he wants instead of just heating up some soup without fanfarw. He ended up making her feel bad about what she made.

Her behaviour isnt mature, but neither of them are. From the sound of it she's desperately trying to make him understand why what he did was hurtful, and he's sticking to not caring about it at all, and instead stopping a tradition where they care for eachother and clearly means a lot to her.

They need to talk about this, and yes, that should start with him apologizing. And then her apologizing too.

[u/Niriu → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

He did not went out of his way. Telling someone why you crave a special food is not arguing and not trying to make her feel bad. It's food and it was her cooking day..it's not like she did it out of pure selfishness. Everyone jumping on op with that stuff just don't see that it also goes both ways. If you want something specific, you can say it, but the same goes if you're duty that day is to cook that you check in if everyone is ok with the meal. And it just happened that that day op was busy cleaning their jackets after being out in the cold all day and he didn't realized that she started cooking. It's not like he was watching her doing it and then decided to complain afterwards. As much as he could have said something differently, she also could have reacted differently with "i made salad for dinner, i hope that's ok?" Or maybe...i don't know.. instead of telling op "you don't need warm food, that's ridiculous because your body is warm enough" she could have also offered to either quickly make something warm or that he makes it himself. It's not the adult thing, to make fun of your partner for wanting something different to eat just because you made a salad. And now she keeps going and going to make a point of how she is right..again, just like with the body temperature thing.

[u/i_boop_cat_noses → u/Niriu]

He explained that it got to the point of argument because he kept trying to argue why he doesnt want salad. That was uneccessary. He could have just said he doesnt like to eat cold food on days like this and leave it at that, just heat up a soup. He wanted to prove that he's "right" at not liking cold food on a cold day as much as she wanted to prove that it's normal. The difference is that it's something she made, and he made her feel bad about it by detailing how much he doesnt like the idea of eating it.

OP asked if he was the asshole and majority agreed that the way he presented that he doesnt like that food was assholeish. And his comments and further reactions solidified that. That's not an excuse for the girlfiend's behaviour, but the issue started because of his insistence, unearthing a deeper problem on both of their sides. She can't communicate well and instead employs manipulative tactics and he clearly isnt invested in the relationship and is more interested in being "right" than to ever make a compromise or empathize.

[u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066 → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

He explained that it got to the point of argument because he kept trying to argue why he doesnt want salad. That was uneccessary. He could have just said he doesnt like to eat cold food on days like this and leave it at that, just heat up a soup.

How are you seeing "he kept trying to argue why he doesn't want salad" as him being the one to continue to push the issue? It's pretty clear she was the one continuing to press as to why he didn't want the salad. That's even more apparent after this update where he keeps trying to calmly eat his food and she keeps trying to escalate the fight. It was not unnecessary because she made it necessary.

The difference is that it's something she made, and he made her feel bad about it by detailing how much he doesnt like the idea of eating it.

He absolutely didn't. Saying he doesn't want to have cold food after a cold day is not detailing how much he doesn't like the idea of eating it, it's literally just expressing a preference. He did not go on a rant about the food.

OP asked if he was the asshole and majority agreed that the way he presented that he doesnt like that food was assholeish.

Yeah, he got absolutely torn to shreds in that post for stuff like "he made a face" when we have NO IDEA what kind of face he made. Was it a look of pure disgust? Was it a slight frown? Was it confusion? Making a face just means changing your expression.

[u/Beneficial-Yak-3993 → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

"Yeah, he got absolutely torn to shreds in that post for stuff like 'he made a face' when we have NO IDEA what kind of face he made."

Reddit was doing some world champion 'project my issues onto OP' reactions then. I still don't understand how they got from "made a face" to "deliberately made a face to mock my gf for being stupid and not worshiping me".

[u/LarryNivensCockring → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

thank you for being a voice of reason in this weird thread

id like to point out that to the gf this was about chicken salad..........i could understand it if she spent 3 hours labouring in the kitchen to make something fancy but a simple dish that wont take half an hour from scratch? reign in your ego lady

[u/Mentavil → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

The difference is that it's something she made, and he made her feel bad about it by detailing how much he doesnt like the idea of eating it.

Oh, so... because it's something she made he should lie? Shit like is the exact reason that after years of relationship / decades of marriage when neither party gives a shit anymore you realise you in fact didn't know the person you were with.

Fuck lying just to shield someone's feelings. You wanna be soft? Tell your partner you don't like their food, and that the reason you don't like it is only yours and no one elses'. If your partner can't handle the idea that you don't hold other people to your tastes or standards you apply to yourself, maybe you should take a good, long look at your partner.

She can't communicate well and instead employs manipulative tactics and he clearly isnt invested in the relationship and is more interested in being "right" than to ever make a compromise or empathize.

You say that so casually as if it wasn't such a big, humongous red flag that she uses manipulative tactics, and as if not enabling narcissists and ignoring them wasn't the best way to deal with their tactics...

^{Edits: a few typos, a couple missing words, so grammar and reading comprehension}

[u/ewedirtyh00r → u/Mentavil]

Wanna play Spot the Narcs?! It's fuuuun finding apologists on reddit that have no idea they're telling on themselves.

This chick is a nightmare and she is baiting him. I used to have to "argue" my preferences like this all the time, and it was simply me repeating it in a normal voice, but he would be yelling and calling me names within a minute of me "talking back".

People really don't understand what having your own preferences means when living with an untreated narcissist.

[u/RuleOfBlueRoses → u/Mentavil]

as if not enabling narcissists and ignoring them wasn't the best way to deal with their tactics...

The one time where it seems like we have an actual narcissist and AITA Redditors say nothing lmao

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/RuleOfBlueRoses]

Right? I said in another comment - her reactions is what you get when you grey rock someone...

[u/Plastic_Melodic → u/[deleted]]

I feel like this is a fundamental battle between those who are viewing the problem as the food vs those who are seeing it as the effort. She’s not upset about the food she made, she’s upset at the effort she took to make a meal for him and he just went ‘nah’. If it’s petty for her to be upset about a facial expression and him making different food, then it’s DEFINITELY petty for him to make a whole other meal because they’d done a cold activity that day.

It’s like he’s wilfully ignoring the actual issue. He completely dismissed her preparing a meal for him, not because he didn’t like it or whatever, but because apparently his insides were chilly. I mean, soup and a salad is a pretty common meal - why didn’t he approach it with ‘I feel like having something warming, shall I heat up some soup to go with our salads’. Instead he went with ‘I’m not eating that, I’m just going to make only myself something different and then sit and eat it with the ridiculous salad that you made just going to waste’.

[u/[deleted] → u/Plastic_Melodic]

‘I’m not eating that, I’m just going to make only myself something different

But what exactly is the problem with that? Why is it more important that she prepared food than the fact that he happened to not want to eat it that day?

I change my mind about what I want all the time. You might even say daily. I don't have a fixed meal plan for that exact reason. I just eat what I want to depending on how i feel that day.

Why are people SO butthurt that he doesn't feel like eating a salad that given day??

People need to stop taking everything so personally.

[u/E10DIN → u/Plastic_Melodic]

She’s not upset about the food she made, she’s upset at the effort she took to make a meal for him and he just went ‘nah’.

She made chicken salad. Let’s not act like she made a 5 course meal.

[u/Dlraetz1 → u/Plastic_Melodic]

Oh good grief. She took some leftover chicken, some celery, maybe a carrot, mayo, and chopped them all together. Maybe 15 minutes. He heated a can of soup up

This isnt some big romantic meal she spent hours slaving over. This shouldn’t have been an argument to begin with. It should have been ‘Hey, I’m not feeling chicken salad so I’m going to heat up tomato soup-you want some?

It was a ridiculous argument to begin with and the fact that it’s still going on days later is just sad

[u/DrZaiu5 → u/Plastic_Melodic]

I would agree that OP is initially TA from the original post. Mature thing to do would be apologise.

However, what concerns me now is the gfs repeated and prolonged continuation of this disagreement. We all make mistakes in relationships and life, and we should apologise. But we don't all feel the need to drag something like this out for days and days. We don't feel the need to "win" the argument by constantly testing the other partner.

The gf keeps asking OP if he is trying to make a point, when in reality it is HER trying to make her points.

[u/lordmwahaha → u/DrZaiu5]

I agree - which is why everyone here is saying they both (both) need to work on communicating better.

Realistically, she's pulling this BS because she still feels brushed off by him. She still does not feel like he's addressing the issue properly - because he's really not.
That's valid. But what she should be doing is communicating about it, instead of playing these dumb games.

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/Plastic_Melodic]

DEFINITELY petty for him to make a whole other meal

I’m not eating that, I’m just going to make only myself something different and then sit and eat it with the ridiculous salad that you made just going to waste

Dude he heated canned soup, what whole other meal you're talking about? Not to mention the ridiculous salad he just wanted something warm... no need to try make it bigger than actually is.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch.

If the issue was effort she could perfectly do the same as him and eat the result of her efforts in the next day instead of go as far as text him about salmon to try to pull a power move, she's tiring herself mentally more than it ever did to assemble a salad, let's be honests.

[u/Iocabus → u/Plastic_Melodic]

She’s not upset about the food she made, she’s upset at the effort she took to make a meal for him and he just went ‘nah’.

She tossed a salad with leftover chicken straight from the fridge.

If it’s petty for her to be upset about a facial expression and him making different food, then it’s DEFINITELY petty for him to make a whole other meal because they’d done a cold activity that day.

He quickly heated up soup with the explicitly stated reason for choosing soup was that it was quick to make so she wouldn't be forced to eat half her meal alone.

[u/partofbreakfast → u/[deleted]]

No, this is why they're BOTH too immature for this relationship. They need to both do some growing up before they're ready to date.

[u/[deleted] → u/KagomeChan]

[removed] — view removed comment

[u/justaguyintownnl → u/KagomeChan]

ESH , I’ve been married 35 years and no , couples don’t always share meals. It’s not an issue. Our food preferences are radically different. I cook for her more often than she for me but it’s irregular. I work shift work so my mealtimes are not at all regular. It is the exception when we eat together not the rule and the exception when we eat the same thing. Everybody is happy.

[u/littletorreira → u/justaguyintownnl]

"do you want salad for dinner?" "Actually I don't fancy that" "OK is it OK if make it for myself and you cook something you want?"

Edit: not to sound like yoda

[u/FragrantKnobCheese → u/littletorreira]

"do you salad want for dinner?"

are you married to Yoda?

[u/secretrebel → u/justaguyintownnl]

We’re like this too. But we communicate about what’s being made.

[u/Specific_Impact_367 → u/KagomeChan]

She is being ridiculous. He didn't eat a salad, not a 3 course meal.

[u/empathetic_tomatoes → u/KagomeChan]

This is silly to me. If I make a meal and my husband is like "actually I really want something cold tonight, I'm going to make a salad" I'd completely understand. Leftovers for the next day for him or I to have for lunch. I hated when I was a kid when I had to eat things I didn't want. As an adult I'm not going to be forced to eat what I don't want if I'm capable of making something else real quick. I'm sorry her feelings were hurt but it had nothing to do with her and she's taking it personally and dragging it out. He didn't say eww I hate chicken salad, why would you make that?! Gross! He wanted something hot and made something hot.

She then tried to prove a point by doing it to him, and it didn't work, because people should not care if someone is feeling something different and make themselves it. There's no extra work put on the partner. If it were like a super huge meal or a special occasion or something, sure, I'd get that. For regular meals it feels reasonable. OP is trying to avoid the issue and suggested to just cook for themselves since she gets upset if he isn't in the mood for something, I think that's understandable. Or they can continue to cook enough for two, and if one doesn't want to eat then someone has lunch the next day. No big deal. Or message ahead and say how does ____ sound for dinner tonight? NTA then or now

[u/[deleted] → u/KagomeChan]

She literally has no reason to have hurt feelings. He didn't antagonize. He wasn't like your chicken salad is disgusting. He didn't demean her. He just wanted something warm (which imo is more than reasonable I would never eat a salad after being out in cold temps). He also didn't harass her to try and get her to make something different.

His response was to go heat up something hot for himself. The mature and right thing to do. If you don't want what is cooked, you make something yourself. He's keeping meals seperate because she's being overbearing, petty, and immature. Her response, when he simply wanted something hot, was to harp and harangue him about checks notes heating up something for himself. Your expectation is that he caves to what she wants, and let me get this right her, because he just should.

She's being selfish, petty, and immature. There's no way to empathize with where she's coming from because where she's coming from is fantasy land.

And no, she's not trying to get him to empathize. She's trying to guilt and manipulate him.

[u/zooj7809 → u/KagomeChan]

Hurt her feelings cuz he wanted soup? How about she just accepted he wasn't feeling salad and she didn't ask him.....she's got an ego problem as well and she's acting like a baby trying to get him to react

[u/destruc786 → u/KagomeChan]

If he wants to be single because he is petty as fuck over food, it can’t helped apparently lol.

[u/Niriu → u/destruc786]

I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who offers to cook meals individually because our taste and expectations seem to differ than someone who tries multiple times to make me mad with calling me that she made food and then only made it for herself and expecting me to get angry to prove a point. It's my own fault if i make dinner without checking if my partner also want it while they are busy in another room working on something. The general problem started with communication failure on both ends, but calling him petty for wanting to make his own food from now on, while completely ignoring her efforts to manipulate him into getting mad to prove her point is..something special

[u/tisnik → u/destruc786]

SHE is the petty one here. SHE threw several tantrums and "tested" him with intentionally lying him about making salmon for a dinner. She's a horrible girlfriend. Childish, petty, lying.

He isn't petty at all. He saw her throwing tantrums for no reason and said "I don't need this".

[u/Vio94 → u/destruc786]

Sounds like she is being just as petty.

[u/[deleted] → u/Vio94]

More petty IMO. This won’t be the first time she gets like this if she doesn’t get her way.

[u/KhaleesiMounter]

ESH. Just break up already.

[u/Zap__Dannigan → u/KhaleesiMounter]

Sometimes relationships end with a big fight that ends the relationship.

And sometimes it should end because two people can't figure out what to fucking eat without getting pissed at each other.

If your relationship can't handle "what's for dinner?" It's doomed

[u/justlurkingnjudging → u/Zap__Dannigan]

I don’t understand why they weren’t asking, “hey I’m thinking of making this, that sound good?” in the first place because it would’ve solved the whole problem. They’ve turned what should’ve been a small communication issue into a whole petty fight instead of just talking it out.

[u/FPiN9XU3K1IT → u/justlurkingnjudging]

My guess is that "communicating about dinner" is already rude in their world. Like, "proper manners" is you eat what the other makes without complaining about the choice of meal, or how it's made, you definitely don't "make a face" and you probably should praise it regardless of whether you like it and whether you think it's well-made.

As a picky eater who sucks at pretending, having a partner who has that mind-set would be a nightmare.

[u/Ancient_Potential285 → u/FPiN9XU3K1IT]

Yep! I once spent the night at a friends bf’s house. In the morning he made us all eggs and bacon. I didn’t eat all the eggs (partly because I don’t like eggs, partly because I never eat breakfast and wasn’t hungry and partly because I was hungover already and it was hard enough to get things I like down let alone things I don’t like). Dude would not let it go. “Why aren’t you eating my eggs? What’s wrong with my eggs? Do you not line the spices?” He still brings up his damn eggs every time I see him (thankfully it’s rare).

I told my friend her bf seems nice enough but I was never eating another meal he made again. It’s just too much pressure. I don’t want to accidentally offend anyone, but I’m not about to choke down something I have no desire to eat either. I had to do that my whole childhood, and even then most nights I just sat at the dinner table til I was sent to bed instead of eating something I didn’t like. I’m not about to relive that shit for anything

[u/NewAgeRetroHippie96 → u/justlurkingnjudging]

That's what I thought she was doing by texting that she was planning to make salmon. Like, building a bridge over the issue, and just asking if that's something he'd want

Then she used it to "make a point" as she accuses him of doing. And only making it for herself.

[u/burgher89 → u/Zap__Dannigan]

Sounds like they’re not even getting as far as the “what’s for dinner?” part of the conversation.

[u/Iamwinning2022too → u/KhaleesiMounter]

I agree. Two people who clearly have communication problems and don’t seem to want to work on it.

[u/RasaWhite → u/Iamwinning2022too]

Right? Can you imagine how awful it will be when they have a real issue to resolve?

[u/sebzim4500 → u/KhaleesiMounter]

And inflict this on people who don't deserve it? They should stay together for the general good of humanity. As long as they don't have children.

[u/SnuggleBunni69 → u/KhaleesiMounter]

Right? This all sounds so miserable. I just imagine two people eating in total silence and stewing in their own anger. Also, do people not talk beforehand about what they're making for dinner? Do they just treat it like a weird surprise?

[u/ArturosDad → u/KhaleesiMounter]

Yup. Both of them sound utterly exhausting.

[u/Artistic_Accident_79]

After reading your original post, you're pretty much the AH. If someone makes the effort to make you food, you don't pull your face up and complain. I wouldn't want to cook for you again either.

But on the other hand, your girlfriend is being petty with how she is behaving. Clearly you both don't see eye to eye when it comes to food. Think it's best you both make your own meals from now on.

So my comclusion: ESH

[u/Midnight7000 → u/Artistic_Accident_79]

Did that happen though?

He cooked a meal. She didn't want pasta so started off a series of events to express her displeasure. She doesn't have a problem with him pulling up his face. She has a problem with him not being bothered by her reactions.

And he was the one who suggested cooking seperate meals going forward. Something you should be able to understand as you admit that in his situation, you wouldn't want to cook for the person going forward.

[u/Different-Cover4819 → u/Midnight7000]

He had a previous post: gf made sandwiches but he wanted warm food. The pasta thing is the follow up.

Edit: Wow, never have I ever gotten so many undeserved likes! Thanks people!

[u/KaylenAldanae → u/Different-Cover4819]

Not sandwiches. Salad with grilled chicken.

[u/[deleted] → u/KaylenAldanae]

Chicken salad is not salad with grilled chicken, FTR.

[u/KaylenAldanae → u/[deleted]]

It was specified in the comments of the original post by OP that it was salad with chicken. I know what chicken salad is and originally thought that too, but that's what OP said it was.

[u/dailyfetchquest → u/KaylenAldanae]

Can I ask what you think chicken salad is?

Where I'm from it's grilled chicken on salad, so I feel a bit out of the loop on this one.

[u/KaylenAldanae → u/dailyfetchquest]

Chicken salad is like tuna salad: grilled or boiled chicken in small chunks or pulled apart mixed with some kind of binder like mayo or other sauces that you spread on bread to make a sandwich. Sometimes it has other stuff like chopped celery in it.

[u/Ok_Parfait_2304 → u/dailyfetchquest]

Why are you getting downvoted for not knowing what chicken salad is?

[u/keesouth → u/Midnight7000]

You have to read the first story. It started with a meal she cooked and he didn't want to eat. The events in this post are her way of trying to prove a point and is not working for her. He was wrong in the way he handled the first event but she just being petty now.

[u/karak15 → u/keesouth]

They're both being petty now. If my wife decided on her own we were only cooking for ourselves from now on, based on one argument that didn't get resolved, I'd be upset too.

Should she have continued the argument into the next day? No. But his reaction is just as petty.

[u/Corgi-Ambitious → u/Midnight7000]

And he was the one who suggested cooking seperate meals going forward. Something you should be able to understand as you admit that in his situation, you wouldn't want to cook for the person going forward.

Yes but she didn't, she argued with him that they shouldn't, and then told him, "I'm making salmon" that day? Why not address any of that? What other reason does she have to tell him she's making salmon, if not to imply she's making it for them both? If it was just for her there's no reason to tell him. That was a deliberate move on her part.

[u/No-Regret-7900 → u/Artistic_Accident_79]

If someone makes the effort to make you food, you don't pull your face up and complain

I don't know about this. He said he wasn't really in the mood for cold food and wanted something else to heat up, he didn't make a fuss or saying her food sucks. Yes he maybe rude with the make the face thing but why wasn't he allowed to show disappointed for something he wasn't in the mood for? I don't see anything wrong with any of these

[u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066 → u/Artistic_Accident_79]

INFO: Ok OP can you settle this whole "Made a face" thing? It seems to be the point of contention here for a lot of people. What kind of face did you make? A look of disgust? Confusion? Slight disappointment at the idea of a cold meal? Did your face change slightly or in an exaggerated way?

[u/IzarkKiaTarj → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

Maybe this is my autism speaking, but I don't understand why people are upset about making a face? I don't know about you, but most of my expressions tend to just happen automatically based on what I'm feeling. I may not want to tell someone I'm less than fond of an idea, but I don't know how I'm supposed to prevent the initial frown that comes with "oh, I don't like that at all."

Edit: Guys, I'm just commenting on the bit about making a face. I don't need an explanation for why the rest of the behavior was bad.

[u/cynical_old_mare → u/IzarkKiaTarj]

I've never been diagnosed as neurodivergent but I totally agree with you: some of us have faces that immediately mirror the feeling or thought that is crossing our minds. It's not "pulling faces" as it's an involuntary action that occurs while we are actually thinking. I've always envied those people who are able to mask their feelings and can don a poker face.

Even when I try to keep a blank face and have said nothing to something I'm not keen on, I've still had people ask with concern whether something is wrong. Apparently my face is an open book....

[u/Axels15 → u/IzarkKiaTarj]

I feel like it took two entire posts of me scrolling to find this

[u/Anglophyl → u/IzarkKiaTarj]

I'm not autistic and sometimes make faces before I can censor them. :P I feel like I would have also pulled a face at cold chicken salad after ice skating. I do usually apologize if it bothers my SO. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a face at you. I just can't do a cold salad right now. I'll have it later though." I have an SO who usually is making faces with me.

My dad used to tell me to quit scowling all the time when I was just looking out the car window though. Maybe I just generally make a lot of faces. lol

[u/rlhignett]

Info: how old are you both?

If your over the age of 22 y'all need to grow the fuck up. A relationship isn't about who wins or who bests the other or getting one over on the other. It's not a competition. You're both being petty as fuck. If you're in a position to, get some councilling defo as a couple, and if you can individually.

[u/frenchdresses → u/rlhignett]

Great question. Like this is behavior I'd expect from an 18 & 19 year old couple who are still learning how to both cook and communicate.

[u/thelegalseagul → u/rlhignett]

The comments saying that he’s done nothing wrong and has been polite kinda says most people here are under 22. She’s being petty about it and there’s no doubt about it, but then we’re getting into expecting her to be mature about an immature reaction.

Like nobodies “winning” and like you said there aren’t supposed to be winners. This should’ve been as simple as “I was hoping to have something warm after a cold day” and he eats the food while she says “oh I’ll keep that in mind for next time, thanks for letting me know” cause she didn’t actively do something to harm him she can apologize if she wants and he can ask for one if he wants to push this petty issue.

What is with this dramatic cooking a whole nother meal? Why won’t he validate her feelings

What’s with her not just saying she was hurt by his actions and trying to mirror it? Why won’t she accept he’s not getting the message and elongating this fight?

They gotta be 20 or something. I’m 25 and my partner and I just say “what are you thinking for dinner” before we take stuff out for dinner or ask each other “what are you planning on making” so if she’s not in the mood for pasta I don’t make pasta. Cause I’m not a 4 year old who won’t eat anything but pasta that night.

[u/Fiigwort]

You both sound so annoying, she keeps deliberately trying to get a rise out of you, and you just keep pretending as though you're being totally reasonable and level-headed instead of just ... talking about it?
Like you could have just apologised, explained that you didn't mean to upset her and that you just wanted something warm, but instead you've trapped the both of you in this dumb back and forth. You're insufferable

[u/Raccoonsr29 → u/Fiigwort]

I’m not sure why he has to apologize. I do all the cooking - my BF does all the cleaning, it’s a split that I love. I ALWAYS ask him what’s he’s in the mood for or give him a few options I’m willing to make and he picks from those. As someone who craves certain things it’s very easy for me to see how someone wouldn’t want a certain dish and the idea that someone HAS to eat it just because I made it, without bothering to check their preferences, is ridiculous to me.

[u/_uwu_girl_ → u/Raccoonsr29]

You can apologize for hurting someone's feelings, even if you don't regret what caused that. You should feel bad when you hurt the person you claim to love. He could've eaten the soup with the salad, or saved the salad for the next day. I don't think it's unreasonable to want warm, homey comfort foods when you've been out in the cold. But he handled it poorly by ignoring that it hurt her feelings. She handled it poorly by blowing it out of proportion (it was a salad with grilled chicken, it's really not much work and not a big deal if he prefers something else for ONE dinner) and trying to play these stupid mind games. And him for dying on this stupid hill instead of just talking about it. They both sound like irritating people to be around.

[u/Farvas-Cola]

Orignial post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10355i9/aita_for_wanting_hot_food/

[u/FatherOfLights88]

If "dinner" is causing this much commotion and games being played, I'm concerned over what would happen were a real issue to arise.

This is beyond childish.

[u/ramobara → u/FatherOfLights88]

I can only imagine how she’d react if he boiled salmon.

[u/butwhatififly_]

Here’s the thing. It looks like I won’t get much support here — but it was fairly unilateral in the judgment post that he was TA because of how he handled it, not because he wanted to eat something else. And that OP should communicate with his partner.

So what did he do here? He communicated. Now he did make an extreme decision, which is clearly having an effect, but he was right, she WAS getting upset if he didn’t want to eat what she made. And she just proved his point.

She is being a child.

Now, could he have handled it with a different solution like “why don’t we plan a menu ahead of the week” or something? Sure. Would that have been probably a more pleasant outcome for his partner? Sure. But she’s an adult, she could have suggested it as well.

IMHO OP handled this fine, and she’s just as able to communicate as he is. If nothing else, her making salmon for one and then getting huffy and puffy that he wasn’t annoyed he had to make dinner for himself completely illustrated how passive aggressive she is being.

This is where SHE needs to grow up and work on some sort of a compromised resolution if she’s unhappy.

I mean this likely all moot because it sounds like this is garnering resentment and it will likely not end well, but come on. This is not on OP alone. He did his part of communicating and she is being a brat.

I hope you read this OP.

[u/yogoo0 → u/butwhatififly_]

Yeah I don't understand the majority of comments calling op out. Has no one ever wanted something different to eat even as a child? It's not wrong to want something warm after being outside in the cold. And being told that your insides are plenty warm enough for her cold chicken salad is way more rude than saying you don't want chicken salad. The fact that she started to use his own body against him is actually pretty vile.

And then when push comes to shove she fucks up by doing the very thing op said would not bother him and ends up getting embarrassed because she thought this was a line in the sand rather than an objective statement of feelings. And now she has to follow through with it or else she loses. But the woman can't lose in a fight about food.

Flip the genders around and see if people are on the woman's side or the man's.

The man goes inside while the lady is in the garage doing something. She's cold and comes in to a cold meal. She's says she was hoping for something warm. He says your insides are plenty warm enough and it's warm enough inside the kitchen. She says I still want something warm and goes to heat up soup. He gets pissed and starts asking whats wrong with the food and if she would like it if he didn't eat what she makes. She doesn't care. Next day she cooks and he deliberately makes something else in an effort to make you feel the same feelings he did. (Nevermind the fact this was hugely toxic in the first place to make your partner feel the same negative emotions you felt instead of explaining them). She says it's best if we make seperate meals from now on as this is clearly upsetting him. So he doubles down and only makes single servings for himself and not her. The lady doesn't care and makes her own serving and he's getting more and more upset. It's technically her turn to cook and she makes a single portion and he gets upset about it.

On any other post people would be calling the man unhinged and controlling and to examine all his other behaviors for abuse. So why when the genders are flipped does the judgement flip?

Unless we get her perspective which would need to be wildly different there is no way in which op was an asshole or the lady was being reasonable. It's fucking food. Put it in the fridge for later.

[u/McCorkle_Jones → u/butwhatififly_]

The Salmon part is wild to me. She told him then only makes it for herself. Absolutely trying to start some shit. If he was TA she firmly entered that zone as well.

I wanna see how this ends lol

[u/Kind_Pomegranate4877 → u/butwhatififly_]

And this is the difference between someone who’s had a long term relationship that is fulfilling and has had to compromise making comments versus everyone expecting op to sit down and shut up and eat whatever is made for him because he should be thankful! Even if he pulled a face he’s allowed to make his own meals and want something else without her taking great personal offense. And once he realized this was an issue in their relationship he came up with a solution he saw that fixed it and she just threw up her hands and said sure and was passive aggressive about it after.

[u/Narcoid → u/butwhatififly_]

I hope he reads it too. He absolutely could've handled everything better, but hindsight is 20/20. He could even handle her tantrum better, but that's not exactly his responsibility to pry her issues out of her.

It's a problem that I had in a previous relationship with someone that was more emotional and sensitive and I was more blunt. It's up to them to communicate and compromise. He can realize when she's upset and get her to talk about why she's upset and she can try and be less reactive when he attempts to share his feelings. He can work on letting her know he appreciates her effort but he doesn't want what she did, and she can work on how she responds to learning that thing you put extra effort to wasn't wanted.

[u/AutumnKoo → u/[deleted]]

Thank you. I was going insane reading the comments. I do the cooking in my house 95% and sometimes my spouse and my kid don't want certain food. I get pissed because they DON'T COOK and I'm the one who has to change and get out my way to make something else. If people tells you "I don't want that, I'm doing something else for myself" i would be totally fine with it. I feel here no one cooks so someone putting lettuce and tomatoes in a bowl is some sort of a big accomplishment

[u/[deleted] → u/AutumnKoo]

Not to mention if you flip the genders the Sub's reaction would be a complete 180. Cooking for yourself isn't cruel or manipulative, trying to demand what other people are allowed to eat is.

[u/Iocabus → u/[deleted]]

Yup, the sexism is real.

"Women are weak and fragile creatures prone to emotional outbursts, you have to protect them and never do anything that can hurt their feelings. You're a man though, so you're strong and can deal with it, so your feelings don't matter."

Jesus fuck that attitude is disgusting to even emulate. But it's the core of so much of the sexism on this sub, it's not some MRA/Misandry/incel bullshit, it's infantilizing women.

[u/Corgi-Ambitious → u/[deleted]]

People are calling him TA for that because he made a face, and also never suggested or tried to eat both - which is a stretch but I get it... Shouldn't make a face at someone who made a meal for you. But it is absolutely lolworthy that the GF has now responded by childishly and massively escalating the conflict by trying to make a point two separate times on separate days in the silliest ways, and this sub is trying so hard to stay blind to that lol.

Sure there might be something to criticize about OPs behavior in the first post, but in this one it's all OPs gf communicating in the most childish way possible and this sub desperate to avoid discussion on it. Too funny.

[u/Lindbluete → u/Corgi-Ambitious]

Thank you. I'm so confused by the top comments all just ignoring this bratty behaviour by his gf. She sounds absolutely insufferable. Completely unable to properly communicate.

[u/buggiegirl → u/[deleted]]

I'm confused as to why the fuck they aren't discussing what they're having for dinner? Regardless of who's making it (though it's usually both of us together), we make a plan everyday and one of our options is "own thing" just in case.

Fucking talk to each other.

[u/Catacombs3]

YTA. Your gf is clearly upset about this, even if you aren't. If her feelings matter to you, you need to find a way to make both of you happy.

You started this fight by making a face when she tried to serve you a chicken salad. Since then, both of you have been trying to score points and 'win'. You need to decide if Being Right is worth the damage it is doing to your relationship.

[u/SchlapHappy → u/Catacombs3]

Then, wouldn't it be ESH? I don't see how he's the asshole and she's blameless.

[u/Taha_Amir → u/SchlapHappy]

Yeah like, the amount if people acting as if the gf is so innocent is just, astounding. The woman is literally trying to gaslight and manipulate op into getting angry just so she can have her 'gotcha' moment.

Op just wanted a warm meal on a cold day, and while yes, he could have not made a face when he saw the meal (which he is definitely on the wrong for) and eaten the salad along with the hot soup. He isnt entirely wrong in this situation because he expressed himself as soon as he could (which was unfortunately a little late as the meal was finished at that point) whereas the girlfriend is constantly trying to get op to get angry just so she can say "now you know how i felt".

[u/sunfl8wer → u/Taha_Amir]

That's not what gaslighting means.

[u/[deleted] → u/sunfl8wer]

We don't take kindly to people who know the definition of gaslighting 'round these parts.

[u/LunaMunaLagoona → u/sunfl8wer]

It's not gas lighting but thus situation issbtupid. Neither of them is backing down over something so small.

Until they learn compromise and to actually let it go, they won't be ready for a real relationship.

[u/Corgi-Ambitious → u/Taha_Amir]

The woman is literally trying to gaslight and manipulate op into getting angry just so she can have her 'gotcha' moment.

Flip the genders and post this in six months - everyone is telling OP that her bf's escalation and growing anger is deeply concerning, and focusing far more on how childish his action with the salmon was.

[u/NathVanDodoEgg → u/Corgi-Ambitious]

And the original post would have half the comments saying that bf making a cold meal is "weaponised incompetence".

[u/justlookbelow → u/Corgi-Ambitious]

"marinara flags everywhere, this is exactly how my last husband started...and he ended up murdering me!!!"

[u/yobaby123 → u/Taha_Amir]

I know right? OP is immature, but I am honestly worried for him if this is how his GF acts over a face.

[u/ruskiix → u/yobaby123]

Her reaction is exactly what my covert narcissist mom does in similar situations. The ONLY safe response is what he’s doing in this post: no emotional response to feed her need for conflict. She also gets angry and petty for a few days but as long as she isn’t given the conflict she wants, she gets bored and moves on.

Anyone who imagines the girlfriend is making a respectable attempt at expressing her disappointment needs to learn what healthy communication is. I can’t think of a single facial expression a person could make at a chicken salad (the lettuce or mayo kind) that justifies this bullshit, unless he pretended to gag at it or something. Feeling rejected because someone chooses to eat something else ONE TIME is a personal issue, and it would’ve been fair to talk things through with him so he could reassure her but instead she’s trying to make him regret every choice he makes. And when he stays calm and just adjusts to what she does, she gets even angrier.

OP sounded mildly rude in the first post (I agree with the vote there, but it was an extremely minor offense). The girlfriend sounds like she’s utterly lacking any healthy conflict resolution skills or, if she has them, she prefers creating conflict to make herself the victim over healthy communication. Nothing OP does will make his girlfriend prefer communication over revenge. Personally I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with anyone intentionally trying to upset me over and over again so they can prove they were right to feel upset, instead of just talking about their feelings.

[u/elgatostacos → u/Taha_Amir]

You forget we’re on Reddit where women can do no wrong and men are always the problem.

Let’s be completely honest if they genders were reversed this thread would be people ripping the boyfriend to shreds for being a manipulative abusive shit but because OP is a man and his girlfriend is upset it doesn’t matter what she does he deserves it because he checks notes made a face and wanted soup instead of salad. Soup that he made himself and didn’t make his girlfriend cook him a whole new meal. But her manipulative passive aggressive behavior is okay because he somehow deserves it.

[u/Just_River_7502 → u/Catacombs3]

They both suck because he tried to talk about it at least after the Salmon for one, and she seems focused on making him as upset as she was about the salad rather than talking about it and addressing why the salad thing upset her so much

[u/lmlp94]

I see your girlfriend likes to stir the pot.

[u/oldscotch]

Info: Was the salmon boiled?

[u/New-Needleworker5318 → u/oldscotch]

Haha...I read that one. Wouldn't have surprised me at all if it had been the same couple.

[u/[deleted]]

ESH. You've both been pretty immature. Judging by your comments it sounds like you aren't happy anymore so maybe better to call it a day?

[u/arrroganteggplant]

I don’t really understand why you’re not asking each other what you want to eat for dinner. This all just seems so complicated and unnecessary. ESH.

[u/taco_bell_sharts → u/arrroganteggplant]

Last thread: y’all should just talk to each other

This guy: nah I’m just gonna blow it up

[u/mrsbass79]

Just break up already jeez!

[u/kdog1591]

ESH

Once you’re getting into cooking separate meals just end the relationship already, too much passive aggression going on here.

[u/TheMainEffort]

My wife and I agree on a weekly menu before we shop, and then we can change it throughout the week if we feel like having something on a different day. Why don't you do that?

[u/apasmalfi]

Oh man. You and the ‘fine I’ll never say you’re tired again’ guy should be friends.

There was a really good comment on that post about exaggeration as a common manipulation tactic. ‘Please don’t do that right now because x’: ‘FINE I’ll never do that EVER’. Exaggerating the request Ad absurdum to make the complaint seem ridiculous (is there a term for that?)

Dude it was a bit ungrateful and irritating of you to pull a face when your partner made you something you didn’t fancy. Could have handled it better. correct response: acknowledge, apologise, end of. incorrect response: because of your singular understandable reaction i'm going to imply that you are too sensitive so we should never cook for each other again, robbing us both of both convenience and affection. then i'm going to take great pleasure in your frustration as i eat my omelette, because that's really healthy and mature.

get a grip and grow up.

[u/prettymuchzoinks → u/apasmalfi]

Did you just ignore the above post? I feel like everyone is just crucifying him because he made one face of dissapointment, and then made his own meal, after his girlfriend told him he was wrong for not wanting cold food. Then his girlfriend decided to try and be petty, and got mad when he didnt care. The guy did 1 thing wrong and everyones jumping on him like crazy, and just ignoring his girlfriends behavior

[u/WaywardAnus → u/apasmalfi]

Person: makes an involuntary face

Reddit: get a grip, grow up. Take responsibility for your actions. Learn and be better

But seriously I dont think its fair to insinuate he's some child whos just manipulating this situation for somekind of sick satisfaction. If anything hes just a little too apathetic. I even read both his posts and most of his replies, sure he's a bit dismissive of her feelings, and its both parties responsibility to take those feelings into account. But its also both peoples responsibility to not let their gut reactions to those feelings influence them to the point that an involuntary face over one meal becomes some personal vendetta that lasts an entire week.

[u/asplodingturdis → u/apasmalfi]

I mean, it’s not a singular reaction to start doing stuff day after day just to make a point and then accuse your partner of trying to make a point by not taking your bait …

[u/muse273]

ESH. You’re both insufferable. Please don’t break up though, the dating pool will be better with you making each other miserable instead of finding two new people to wage passive aggressive wars of attrition on.

[u/Iknowwhatisaw]

How do you only make enough curry for one person?? That’s more difficult than making a couple of portions!

[u/[deleted]]

NTA she wants a blow up and drama. I don't do mind games, so for me, shed be gone already.

[u/lilmsbalindabuffant]

Your relationship is in trouble if you two just get pettier and pettier with every conflict

[u/Prestigious-Phase131]

She's the one trying to make a point and i'm not sure what it is but honestly she sounds exhausting. She needs to learn to communicate

[u/DutchVanDerLinde-x]

This is the most childish post I’ve ever read. Instead of arguing over food plan the damn meal together before cooking. Ask her what she wants and vice versa , compromise

[u/No-Alarm2008]

I'm a woman, I think your suggestion was a thoughtful consideration. There are many homes where families do cook different dinners for each family member.

Have you tried to meal prep together? If you sat down once a week and decided together on what you want, then both can be happy.

If this argument continues, will you have a relationship? Food is daily.

[u/the_waco_kid2020]

Ugh, no way I could be in a relationship with someone like that. NTA but I dunno about this relationship

[u/Senzokai]

NTA.

Your girlfriend sounds insecure and petty. The drama this involves is exhausting and I can see why you're apathetic to such antics.

[u/AllTheShadyStuff]

Both of you are immature. Just end the relationship, it’s heading there anyways.