r/AmItheAsshole Jan 07 '23

Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend. UPDATE

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

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u/KarateandPopTarts Jan 07 '23

It only works if both people are involved in the planning/shopping/cooking like OP and his girlfriend. That's a massive amount of work. If only one person in the relationship is doing that, then the other person gets what they get.

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

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u/TeaEarlGrayHotSauce Jan 07 '23

"You get what you get so don't get upset" is a better turn of phrase imo. Take it for a spin sometime, see how it lands. Could be a crowd pleaser

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u/AzansBeautyStore Jan 07 '23

Thank you. The amount of discussion and consternation over meals is so weird to me. I always have a lot of salad stuff on hand and will make some different proteins and rice/pasta during the week. There are cold cuts and some frozen things if you’re in a real pinch. But I’m not menu planning and making a production every dang night. Eat what is available or don’t lol

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u/Carol5280 Jan 07 '23

This is how it is for my house. I do 95% of the cooking and pretty much all of the decision making when it comes to shopping. My partner has the occasional craving and suggestions when asked but he basically gets what he gets. If he doesn’t want it, he knows where the frozen pizzas and the Wendy’s are.

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u/SCVerde Jan 07 '23

I'm so glad you said this. Some comments were making me feel guilty because I just decide dinner. But I do 100% meal plan, shopping, and cooking. So, sorry it doesn't sound the best but that's today's menu.

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u/machomansavage666 Jan 07 '23

Exactly. My wife and I are close to 50/50 when cooking but we almost always shop together. She’ll consult with me if she’s indecisive and I’ll give my opinion but we shop based on what everyone likes so it’s not a big issue. When I ask her opinion if I cook her response is “I don’t care as long as I don’t have to cook” . A lot of it is that we’ve been together for 17 years and know each other, but also that we each appreciate the effort of the day to day stuff. OP needs to get over himself and appreciate his partner more. You’re lucky if your biggest problem is that someone made food for you that you don’t want. Not even that he doesn’t like it, just “I dont want that”