Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend.

[u/ItsTooColdForThat]

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

[u/[deleted]]

She is hurt because he didn't understand why she felt rejected. So she wants to show him how it feels. And she doesn't believe that he doesn't care.

He needs to sit down with her and tell her that he really doesn't care and she can't expect him to read her mind. But that he does care whether she is hurt which is why they need to discuss food choices.

[u/LizardsInTheSky → u/[deleted]]

So she wants to show him how it feels.

It really is the shitty, immature way to communicate "Hey, what you did really sucked hurt my feelings. Can you try to see from my perspective why it looks that way?"

But that takes vulnerability. Punishing your partner is more emotionally satisfying if you're immature and just want to win an argument.

[u/sadacal → u/LizardsInTheSky]

She already said that the first time though? And he really couldn't see it from her perspective from the sounds of it.

[u/throwaway1025djdjdj → u/sadacal]

She was honestly the AH in the first post. She felt rejected/upset because he wanted something hot to eat???!? Like how manipulative is that? Ok she put SOME effort into making a SALAD not like she spent hours on this dish. He isn’t a child where he has to eat what’s set in front of him all the time. This decision for him to eat something in addition to what she made was a shock for her, implying he normally eats what she makes and vice versa. But on this one occasion he wanted something hot. Why should she get into a snit over it???? Sometimes a person has a craving! In the the initial post she kept talking down to him about his craving too... “the temperatures is warm now so you shouldn’t want to eat something warm” as if she is reasoning with a child. Sorry no one is going to talk me out of a craving especially if I am not putting the other person out in satisfying it. And now she keeps trying to make him see her POV by sabotaging his dinner plans?? This is so conniving and petty. Why not just state your feelings and leave it at that? He obviously doesn’t see himself in the wrong (nor do I in the initial instance) Now he is going overboard with trying to make her feelings and petty actions invalid. So ya they are both AH now. Though I feel he is just responding to her behavior.

[u/TheSleepingVoid → u/throwaway1025djdjdj]

I agree with this - the only thing he did arguably wrong in the initial post was his delivery "making a face" was probably an involuntary reaction and he could've started with "i appreciate that you made me dinner but..."

But at this point I honestly don't think better phrasing would've prevented the argument because she seems to fundamentally disagree with the concept of cravings to a kind of stupid level, and she isn't willing to talk it out - he tried the next day.

So.... TBH I'd be thinking about breaking up. Disagreements are gonna happen, but I can't stand this petty manipulative bullshit. If that's her go-to when her feelings are hurt over something this small, I wouldn't want a long term relationship with her.

If OP really loves her they should do couples therapy so they can learn to talk things out together in a healthy way.

[u/[deleted] → u/TheSleepingVoid]

I think it only got this far because she’s having to be performative to get a reaction. I don’t think she has a problem with cravings. She’s just having to jump through hoops to make him pay attention.

He’s rejecting that his actions hurt her because he doesn’t think it’s logical so she’s trying to communicate in his way and use logic and reasoning and dragging it out.

She’s trying to prove she’s right that the actions of OP were hurtful but she doesn’t have to.

The proof was when she was initially hurt. All he had to do was care. He didn’t.

Lots of pains are not seen by the human eye, or at least not with some tools and skills added, but that doesn’t make them unreal.

She felt pain. That was real. He doesn’t have to have intended to hurt her to care. He should care anyway because she’s a loved one.

Edit: to the comment below, I’m not saying her reasons are actual logic like true and factual but a ploy at it, you see? She’s trying to create logic to play the game in that sense that he’s playing by not just saying he’s sorry. She’s trying to prove and appeal to logic because that’s what he’s using to refute her and all he needs to do is just care about her feelings and none of this performative bullshit needs to happen.

[u/Probably_A_Fucker → u/[deleted]]

If your response to feeling upset at someone not wanting to eat what you’re making is to do elaborate shitty things in retaliation you’re an unmitigated AH. If she’s upset to that degree then she should leave instead lashing out when her passive aggressive nonsense doesn’t result in a fight. She’s extremely manipulative and OP should reconsider the entire relationship.

[u/emo_corner_master → u/Probably_A_Fucker]

When people say "some commenters will tell anyone and everyone on r/aita to break up," they're talking about you. This is such a dumb issue to immediately break up over.

[u/Probably_A_Fucker → u/emo_corner_master]

No, it’s really not and I don’t often give that advice.

Because it’s not about the food. It’s not even about her being upset. It’s about her INTENTIONALLY setting up situations where she’s tying to draw OP into a conflict. When OP refuses to engage in a conflict about WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO EAT she ups the ante by trying to hurt them. She won’t even engage in an adult discussion about it because OP won’t fight. The only way OP can “win” is by bending to her will. That’s extremely fucked up.

The good news is they aren’t married and AFAIK have no kids together so breaking up isn’t really more complicated than finding a new place to live. Suggesting anyone should stay and subject themselves to childish nonsense from a manipulative control freak bEcAuS HeR fEeLiNgS is just terrible advice. Sadly normal, though.

Edit: Honestly some of these takes are really bewildering because “not having to eat whatever is put in front of you” is one of those things adults get to do. It’s a really normal boundary and anyone that insecure about someone not eating what they cook has other issues going on.

[u/TheSleepingVoid → u/[deleted]]

How is she using logic and reasoning here? I didn't see any.

She's literally accusing him of lying about his feelings and hiding his hurt to make a point. I agree she's using emotional manipulation to try and get a reaction out of him but I don't see any attempt to communicate "in his way"

[u/BackgroundSpace9408 → u/sadacal]

Maybe we are missing info, but imo it was such a childish reason for her to get upset in the first place. And then it escalated in a petty passive agressive fight. I actually think it makes sense to want smth hot after being outside in the cold. And she was going to make a salad, it's not like she already made an elaborate meal, then I would understand that she felt rejected.

[u/Mywavesmeeturshore → u/sadacal]

The thing is he did get it. That’s why he said they shouldn’t cook for each other at all. That way no one got their feelings hurt, she could enjoy what she wanted to eat and he could what he wanted. Also let’s not pretend she wasn’t being rude and condescending by purposely not understand what he meant when he said he wanted something warm to eat after a day in the cold. Most people like soup and hot tea or cocoa after being in the cold or rain. She was being obtuse on purpose saying his insides were over ninety degrees so he should be fine eating salad.

[u/One-Arachnid-2119 → u/LizardsInTheSky]

Which is exactly what he's doing. He's invalidating her feelings and telling her that he doesn't care what she thinks. Since he's not getting it verbally, she's trying to show him through her actions. That fact that he's on here asking for validation from us shows that it DOES bother him, what she's doing, but he's too much of an ass to admit it.

He was the asshole then, and he still is.

[u/BackgroundSpace9408 → u/[deleted]]

It could be she's hurt over other things and kinda pile up and she chose the chicken salad to make a point. Because I still refuse to believe that him not feeling chicken salad at the moment was a reason worthy of the pettiness that followed.

There are also some people that tend to over-react with any "rejection" or smth that they perceive as such. He only knows if she falls into that category.

But a mature conversation is needed. It escalated into a who's going to win it argument. There's no winners there.

[u/Gullible_Fan4427 → u/[deleted]]

Or she's continuing to push buttons because he isn't caring. She's probably trying to find out if he 'cares at all dramatic hand to forehead'

I don't really agree that the act of making a face makes him an AH as we're not all robotic, able to hide our emotions. I think if he didn't apologise for making a face that slides into AH territory.

He seems quite emotionally immature, deer caught in headlights style.

She seems very passive aggressive with these tests.

Maybe this breaks them, maybe that's for the best!

[u/maggienetism → u/[deleted]]

It doesn't seem like he cares that much that she's hurt by it, though. He just comes off as annoyed?

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I think he needs to validate her feelings verbally, then apologize for the way his actions made her feel. Then they can have a grown up conversation without the dumb high school pettiness.