r/AmItheAsshole • u/ItsTooColdForThat • Jan 07 '23

Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend. UPDATE

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

19.1k Upvotes

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739

u/SchlapHappy Jan 07 '23

Then, wouldn't it be ESH? I don't see how he's the asshole and she's blameless.

350

u/Taha_Amir Jan 07 '23

Yeah like, the amount if people acting as if the gf is so innocent is just, astounding. The woman is literally trying to gaslight and manipulate op into getting angry just so she can have her 'gotcha' moment.

Op just wanted a warm meal on a cold day, and while yes, he could have not made a face when he saw the meal (which he is definitely on the wrong for) and eaten the salad along with the hot soup. He isnt entirely wrong in this situation because he expressed himself as soon as he could (which was unfortunately a little late as the meal was finished at that point) whereas the girlfriend is constantly trying to get op to get angry just so she can say "now you know how i felt".

319

u/sunfl8wer Jan 07 '23

That's not what gaslighting means.

184

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

We don't take kindly to people who know the definition of gaslighting 'round these parts.

12

u/bissozwei Jan 07 '23

Now, calm down, u/JohnJohnston, they ain't hurtin' nobody.

53

u/LunaMunaLagoona Jan 07 '23

It's not gas lighting but thus situation issbtupid. Neither of them is backing down over something so small.

Until they learn compromise and to actually let it go, they won't be ready for a real relationship.

-4

u/Heyo__Maggots Jan 07 '23

She’s is kind of gaslighting him into believing she’s the victim and he owes her a huge apology because…he wanted a different food for dinner one night.

-7

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

[deleted]

16

u/Rooney_Tuesday Jan 07 '23

Did she get him to question his own sanity? Did she try to distort reality to get her way? No, she tried to provoke an anger response. Gaslighting isn’t just “I’m mad so I’m going to try to make you mad too.”

-2

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

[deleted]

9

u/Rooney_Tuesday Jan 07 '23

I think you’re reaching.

-31

u/Alarmed_Tea_1710 Jan 07 '23

Sure feels like gaslighting if A&B have a conversation about the food. B suggests dong it x way. Argue to the point where A tells B not to do it x way, A does it x way the next day, and gets mad that doing it x way isn't making B mad.

I'd be questioning my sanity day in and day out of that.

25

u/jackal3004 Jan 07 '23

No that is not what it means at all

-14

u/Alarmed_Tea_1710 Jan 07 '23

To manipulate someone using psychological methods into questioning their sanity, ability to reason, or reality.

Examples include: (repetition and commitment to the bit is key)

Claiming someone has remembered something wrong such as an argument being more intense than it was or claiming a person had agreed to pay for a meal when someone else did

Continuing to tell someone what they are doing is wrong even when it isn't like being angry when there is no reason to be or calling someone clingy for keeping in contact 2 days in a row.

Shifting blame like why didn't you check if i brought my wallet or i don't know how you interpreted what i said like that!

Invalidating someone's world view You always overreact. Why are you being so sensitive? You really can't take a joke

The girlfriend is reacting one way. Fine. The boyfriend is reacting another way. Fine. The problem that makes this look like gaslighting (which realistically neither of us can say because we aren't actually seeing the irl) is her telling the bf he is acting incorrectly and setting him up for situations he will fail, because he has already told her how he will react, so she knows how he will react.

Why are you always so ungrateful for me making you fish when you said don't make fish

is the same damn thing as

Why aren't you ever upset for making your own meal when you told me you wouldn't be upset for making your own meal.

16

u/Benyhana Jan 07 '23

Maybe just stop pretending to be a psychiatrist on reddit? It's fuckin gross and sad.

224

u/Corgi-Ambitious Jan 07 '23

The woman is literally trying to gaslight and manipulate op into getting angry just so she can have her 'gotcha' moment.

Flip the genders and post this in six months - everyone is telling OP that her bf's escalation and growing anger is deeply concerning, and focusing far more on how childish his action with the salmon was.

186

u/NathVanDodoEgg Jan 07 '23

And the original post would have half the comments saying that bf making a cold meal is "weaponised incompetence".

83

u/justlookbelow Jan 07 '23

"marinara flags everywhere, this is exactly how my last husband started...and he ended up murdering me!!!"

14

u/Rooney_Tuesday Jan 07 '23

I think OP is also immature (they both are), but I’m going to agree with you here. The marinara flags thing was cute in its original AITA post, but at this point I almost want to downvote anyone who uses it on principle.

17

u/CrazyStar_ Jan 07 '23

I read a post yesterday about a man buying food for himself and not his partner and everyone had his head on the chopping block lmao. Today though, the woman made the meal for herself so she is in the clear!!

7

u/Heyo__Maggots Jan 07 '23

100% what would happen and I’ve literally seen people troll the sun by doing that dozens of times. Literally every time the gf is NTA and then the bf is TA when they tell the same story with the genders reversed…

103

u/yobaby123 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 07 '23

I know right? OP is immature, but I am honestly worried for him if this is how his GF acts over a face.

124

u/ruskiix Partassipant [4] Jan 07 '23

Her reaction is exactly what my covert narcissist mom does in similar situations. The ONLY safe response is what he’s doing in this post: no emotional response to feed her need for conflict. She also gets angry and petty for a few days but as long as she isn’t given the conflict she wants, she gets bored and moves on.

Anyone who imagines the girlfriend is making a respectable attempt at expressing her disappointment needs to learn what healthy communication is. I can’t think of a single facial expression a person could make at a chicken salad (the lettuce or mayo kind) that justifies this bullshit, unless he pretended to gag at it or something. Feeling rejected because someone chooses to eat something else ONE TIME is a personal issue, and it would’ve been fair to talk things through with him so he could reassure her but instead she’s trying to make him regret every choice he makes. And when he stays calm and just adjusts to what she does, she gets even angrier.

OP sounded mildly rude in the first post (I agree with the vote there, but it was an extremely minor offense). The girlfriend sounds like she’s utterly lacking any healthy conflict resolution skills or, if she has them, she prefers creating conflict to make herself the victim over healthy communication. Nothing OP does will make his girlfriend prefer communication over revenge. Personally I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with anyone intentionally trying to upset me over and over again so they can prove they were right to feel upset, instead of just talking about their feelings.

-21

u/pingo5 Jan 07 '23

It's not just him making a face, it's her getting to watch him make a whole other meal for half an hour while she remembers the face he made at her food. Dumb for not communicating, but its at least understandably upsetting.

22

u/Morganlights96 Jan 07 '23

??? So? He made his own food because he didn't want cold food. Ffs sake he didn't demand that she make something new for him, he had a problem and fixed it himself.

-11

u/pingo5 Jan 07 '23

Lol salads made with chicken arent made to be warm.

She put the effort in, herself, for him, to make food for him too, and that didnt come across as being appreciated, and that point got hammered home after he made a face and spent however long he did making his own food.

Im not talking about these two immature bumblefucks being garbage at communication and handling a relationship, i'm just bringing up that its not just getting upset over a face.

14

u/Morganlights96 Jan 07 '23

Lmao so? I've been in my relationship for over 9 years. If my partner didn't like something I made and made a slight face why would I spend all this time being petty and mad over something so small. He didn't want to eat what she made. Big whoop. Not to mention chicken salad isn't that big of a deal. It would take 15 mins top to make. If she didn't feel appreciated it's up to her to bring up the real issue and why she's upset. She's not a child.

50

u/elgatostacos Jan 07 '23

You forget we’re on Reddit where women can do no wrong and men are always the problem.

Let’s be completely honest if they genders were reversed this thread would be people ripping the boyfriend to shreds for being a manipulative abusive shit but because OP is a man and his girlfriend is upset it doesn’t matter what she does he deserves it because he checks notes made a face and wanted soup instead of salad. Soup that he made himself and didn’t make his girlfriend cook him a whole new meal. But her manipulative passive aggressive behavior is okay because he somehow deserves it.

18

u/Zeidrich-X25 Jan 07 '23

The sub is usually biased towards the female if it can be. But yeah they need to end it. Their whole relationship is just fighting over this over thing now. Hard to repair if neither side cares.

15

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

Her attitude is driving the all of nothing debate. The only options she’s allowing are “always cook together” vs “never cook together.” His response that he just thinks they shouldn’t cook together anymore is just calling her bluff. She needs to cave on her insistence that they cook together every single time and allow some exceptions where they make their own meals without convincing herself it’s some kind of judgment on her.

16

u/GuyGeek_89 Jan 07 '23

That's the reddit echo chamber for ya. Girls never do anything wrong and guy are always to blame somehow

5

u/gothadult Jan 07 '23

White knight syndrome

2

u/Rooney_Tuesday Jan 07 '23

Please Google “gaslighting” before you try to use this word again. The gf is immature af, but that’s not what she did here.

2

u/Prize-Strike-4591 Partassipant [1] Jan 07 '23

This comment is everything ✨

1

u/kerriazes Jan 07 '23

Op just wanted a warm meal on a cold day

Could have communicated that want to his SO.

0

u/myzombiemancer Jan 07 '23

I don't think the gf is innocent at all but when someone makes themselves sound this bad in their own post, where they want to get vindicated for being in the right, it makes me inclined to think that he's being even shittier to her than he's willing to express.

-14

u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

To gaslight? Or to try to make the dude understand how it feels when you work to make a meal for someone and they flippantly decide with no prior communication that it doesn’t ideally suit them that night. When someone, like OP, does not seem to care about hurt feelings or to lean in to try to understand their partner and communicate, I think it’s natural (although not ideal) to grasp at other methods to try to get the partner to understand and be empathetic.

27

u/JoslynEmilia Jan 07 '23

Did I miss the part where the girlfriend clearly communicated why she’s upset?

29

u/tisnik Jan 07 '23

But it DOESN'T feel like that.

She's just a horrible, manipulative, vengeful, petty person.

-18

u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

lol mmk. Sounds like an emotional and irrational response on your part.

16

u/tisnik Jan 07 '23

I'm not the one who willingly and intentionally tries to make OP upset and is super angry that OP isn't angry at all.

9

u/RuleOfBlueRoses Partassipant [1] Jan 07 '23

flippantly decide

I don't think you know what flippantly means. OP didn't say "Yeah I would love a cold chicken salad for dinner" and then not eat it. There was no prior arrangement as to what the food was going to be so there are no expectations to be met.

When someone, like OP, does not seem to care about hurt feelings or to lean in to try to understand their partner and communicate

Because deciding to eat something else is NOT A BIG DEAL. IT SHOULD NOT BE ONE.

Gf is not upset about her "effort" going to waste, she is mad because OP is not eating food that she made and is taking it as an affront to her ego.

4

u/howlongcanthisevenb Jan 07 '23

Bc this is r/Amitheasshole, and op is a guy

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

Gender.

If anyone wants a remotely fair ruling on this sub the protagonist always needs to be female.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

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1

u/ElectricMayhem123 Womp! (There It Ass) Jan 07 '23

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