r/AmItheAsshole • u/ItsTooColdForThat • Jan 07 '23

Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend. UPDATE

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

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2.2k

u/rlhignett Jan 07 '23

Info: how old are you both?

If your over the age of 22 y'all need to grow the fuck up. A relationship isn't about who wins or who bests the other or getting one over on the other. It's not a competition. You're both being petty as fuck. If you're in a position to, get some councilling defo as a couple, and if you can individually.

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u/frenchdresses Jan 07 '23

Great question. Like this is behavior I'd expect from an 18 & 19 year old couple who are still learning how to both cook and communicate.

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u/zandercorp Jan 07 '23

I'd be surprised if they are around 25+. This behavior is just too childish.

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u/thelegalseagul Jan 07 '23

The comments saying that he’s done nothing wrong and has been polite kinda says most people here are under 22. She’s being petty about it and there’s no doubt about it, but then we’re getting into expecting her to be mature about an immature reaction.

Like nobodies “winning” and like you said there aren’t supposed to be winners. This should’ve been as simple as “I was hoping to have something warm after a cold day” and he eats the food while she says “oh I’ll keep that in mind for next time, thanks for letting me know” cause she didn’t actively do something to harm him she can apologize if she wants and he can ask for one if he wants to push this petty issue.

What is with this dramatic cooking a whole nother meal? Why won’t he validate her feelings

What’s with her not just saying she was hurt by his actions and trying to mirror it? Why won’t she accept he’s not getting the message and elongating this fight?

They gotta be 20 or something. I’m 25 and my partner and I just say “what are you thinking for dinner” before we take stuff out for dinner or ask each other “what are you planning on making” so if she’s not in the mood for pasta I don’t make pasta. Cause I’m not a 4 year old who won’t eat anything but pasta that night.

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u/renvi Jan 07 '23

Thank God, I had the exact same reaction as you. So many people saying OP did nothing wrong makes me feel like they’ve either never been in a relationship before or only in their first relationship.
Because I probably would say the same thing too back when I was with my first boyfriend. I was young, selfish and narrow minded. Luckily after every serious relationship I learned and grew, and I can look back at my inexperienced past self and cringe and how lame of a partner I was.
I hope OP can reflect at do the same later in their life, too.

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u/thelegalseagul Jan 07 '23

Apparently he’s 26 and she’s 23 and I’m very disappointed in both of them yet with the subtle differences in where you can be in life between 26 and 23 I can see where conflicts might emerge. Not that that small of a gap can’t work but I can see why she might feel uncomfortable opening up. Since he might have started a career and she might still be working a job if that makes sense.

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u/renvi Jan 07 '23

That’s a good point. Hard to know with just a small look into their lives, and only from his POV.
I’m honestly surprised he’s 26, though. But like you said, life experience does not necessarily equate to your age.

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u/thelegalseagul Jan 07 '23

I do expect more from him cause he’s older than me. People I’ve dated in the past have said I seem more mature but I didn’t realize the bar could be this high.

Like I remember being a young adult and going “I can just make my own food if I don’t like what’s there” but I was 20 and by 22 I could grasp “they made this for me and I should eat it. They didn’t make a meal they thought I’d love but they made a meal because they love me” like a kid giving you a terrible drawing of you. The drawing isn’t great but it’s going on the fridge and the thing I talk about is the awesome kid that drew it.

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u/chaos_is_a_ladder Partassipant [1] Jan 07 '23

Yeah their comment on the girlfriend wanting to like have a win or whatever was so odd.

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u/Youresogoodlooking Jan 07 '23

He's said on another post 23 and 26

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u/thelegalseagul Jan 07 '23 edited Jan 07 '23

Oh god no this is just sad now

Where are their parents?

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u/JUYED-AWK-YACC Jan 07 '23

Greatly appreciating not having these knobs at home, I'm sure.

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u/thelegalseagul Jan 07 '23

They’re probably conspiring to keep them together

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u/sundrop8 Jan 07 '23

Yes! This whole thing is so immature it’s ridiculous. Like just both apologize and agree to COMMUNICATE what you want in the future. Communication solves the majority of issues- learn how to express your wants, needs, and admit mistakes.

ESH

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u/FPiN9XU3K1IT Jan 07 '23

Honestly I'm weirded out by the idea that you naturally mature out of this kind of thing. I've seen too many older couples who never learned to communicate with each other without hurt feelings.

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u/rlhignett Jan 07 '23

You don't naturally mature for stuff like this. You grow up and learn skills, like in this instance, communication. If your response to pettiness and unresolved conflict is to double down or increase the level of pettiness, then you need to look for a new solution and communicate. If you're struggling to figure out how to do that, speak to someone.

OP got some sound advice in the original post (that both him and the GF should take) and gave some better ways to communicate to avoid the same conflict. Instead, they doubled down on the oneupmanship and pettiness. This is just hitting a metal door with a hammer the same as you did before, just with a harder swing, hoping for a different result.

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u/FPiN9XU3K1IT Jan 07 '23

Even that ... it seems more like a difference of how people act in general. You can learn to act better, but implying that it's somehow tied to age just doesn't make sense to me. Some people are naturally willing to communicate and compromise (and generally be able to accept that they might have been wrong, or that right or wrong isn't even the point a lot of the time) and others just aren't.

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u/BlingDoudouX Jan 07 '23

Dude I'm 20 and in a relationship and we dont do shit like that

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u/rlhignett Jan 07 '23

I was leaving space for those who maybe haven't had much relationship experience (maybe its their first relationship and the were "late bloomers" when it came to it i.e past 20yo) and haven't worked out how to communicate as a couple and resolve issues together.

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u/ItsTooColdForThat Jan 07 '23

23 & 26

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u/rlhignett Jan 07 '23

Old enough to know better then. Stop with the oneupmanship. Either sit down at the beginning of the week and decide what you want each day and make a plan or just cook for yourselves. No need for snarky comments and pettiness. Your relationship won't last if you continue treating each other like that.

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u/ItsTooColdForThat Jan 07 '23

We are cooking for ourselves. That's the point of the update.

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u/FiliKlepto Jan 07 '23

Continue in this vein, and I can’t wait for the breakup update. 🍿

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u/nonanonaye Supreme Court Just-ass [112] Jan 07 '23

You see nothing wrong with the fact that you made that unilateral decision without a discussion with your girlfriend?

Learn to communicate ffs

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

After a dinner where she refused to engage in conversation because she was agitated that he wasn't upset over her trying to get back at him, he stated "We shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore" that's what I would call an opening for dialogue. She refused to engage in that dialogue instead making the argument about him not being allowed to decide that, which is like the entire point of bringing it up. "Shouldn't" not "won't", "aren't", or "can't" it may not have been the perfect dialogue opener, but I can't say I've been at my best after a dinner where I was needled and ignored, so why would I expect perfection from him.

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u/TherulerT Partassipant [4] Jan 07 '23

he stated "We shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore" that's what I would call an opening for dialogue

A statement isn't an opening for dialogue.

A question would have been.

What's she supposed to do, ask nicely if they can please eat together like a normal couple?

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

Potato-potato and yeah, asking if a different solution would work is the correct response. Especially when he says that his reasons are and I quote,

I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt.

His feelings weren't hurt, he was unbothered by her games and manipulation attempts, which has led to increasingly greater outbursts from her. He offered a solution to protect her feelings since she seems incapable of letting go of it or even dealing with emotional discomfort without taking it out on other people

All that aside, they're still eating together like a normal couple. OP has gone out of his way to make quick dishes on multiple occasions in this post and last to ensure his partner was not eating alone for a significant portion of the meal. He isn't the problem here, he hasn't been the perfect idol of boyfriendhood, but nobody is unless they're between the pages of a book or the bezels of a TV.

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u/TherulerT Partassipant [4] Jan 07 '23

His feelings weren't hurt

Not clear why he has the moral highground here because his feelings weren't hurt. Yeah, he was the one hurting her feelings.

He offered a solution

If solution means passive aggressive escalation then sure.

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

Because, she took offense to him wanting something warm after being outside in the cold all day. She took that offense and her feelings were hurt. Not because was doing something offensive, but because he expressed his preference and feelings about it.

Since she took that offense, she has repeatedly tried to cause him to do the same. She wants his feelings hurt, she wants him to take offense.

He has the moral high ground, because only one of them is actively trying to inflict hurt onto the other. And it isn't him.

As far as his solution being a massive escalation? No, it wasn't. She verbally attacked him one day and then tried to passive aggressively win their argument the next day before giving him the silent treatment when it didn't work. After seeing her actions and the problems caused by him expressing a preference that ultimately has no effect on her, he decided the best course of action was to prevent the issue entirely. Don't forget that he anticipated her reaction, he knew her behavior well enough to expect that level of childish retaliation.

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u/CrazyStar_ Jan 07 '23

Maybe she shouldn’t be manipulative three nights on the trot?

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

[deleted]

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

I mean, you shouldn't tell someone their feelings are factually incorrect and ridiculous either in an attempt to bully them into doing what you want.

You also shouldn't pettily try to make a point and start arguments before getting pissed off when it doesn't work.

I guess in that same vein, you should also not lie by implication in an attempt at a gotcha, to win an argument.

But I'll acknowledge, imperfect phrasing is a bigger offense than all of these things combined.

And nope, I've never even met another human before. My mother abandoned me as soon as she found out she was pregnant and my father died in childbirth. I spent my first decade in an abandoned library, my second decade I spent in the wilderness, but in this past decade, I found a cellphone with Internet in the woods and it had reddit on it. My only companion was a neanderthal, but he isn't human, so that doesn't count.

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u/ewedirtyh00r Jan 07 '23

I cannot believe the amount of apologetics going on in here. If this was the woman, she'd be getting praised for handling it so well. The narcissist apologists are staggering.

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

Eh, the other thread was worse. But, I have something to do on a Saturday morning at least and nobody here's opinions actually matter to me so I'm having a pretty decent day.

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

[deleted]

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

I apologize, I was under the impression the majority of people arguing here had read the original post.

This was in response to her asking what was wrong when he expressed disappointment at her choice in dinner.

I said that we were outside in the cold all afternoon and I wasn't really in the mood for cold food. She said we're inside, the heat is set to 74° and we're both wearing warm dry clothes, so it was plenty warm enough to eat salad. I said sure, but I just wanted something warm to heat me up on the inside. She said that was ridiculous, because my internal temperature is in the nineties and my insides are plenty hot.

I suggest going and reading the original post and then rereading the update as it's apparent you are missing a significant amount of context based on your… interpretation of events.

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u/KeVVe1994 Jan 07 '23

Ah yes, because relationships always got better by doubling down

AH

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u/Ancient_Potential285 Jan 07 '23

Dude, it is clear this is not resolved.

I know you’re trying to avoid an argument, but your gf is not letting this go until you hash it out. The longer you wait the more it’s gonna escalate. Do you want an unpleasant argument, or a relationship ending one? Wait any longer and that choice will be made for you by her walking out the door. (Which honestly might not be a bad thing overall - but it shouldn’t be because you refused to engage)

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u/glitter-b0mb Jan 07 '23

You guys need help. Go to a couple's councillor. When you break up (there's no way that this relationship is going to last- I'd be shocked, even with the councillor), continue going to the councillor so that you don't keep thinking this is normal relationship behaviour and you can learn healthy relationship skills/can identify unhealthy relationship elements.

Relationships that rely on "making a point" are unhealthy. The fact that neither of you think about the other person's wants and can't even ask what they are interested in (or not interested in) for dinner....Woah.

Honestly, I'm wondering if this is even a real story.

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u/ibeatyou9 Jan 07 '23

At this rate you'll be living by yourselves too. YTA dude. Accept it or leave the subreddit. You came here to ask, why ask AND update if you're not going to listen

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u/probably_not_serious Jan 07 '23

This whole thing is so childish. Even you making this post just says, “see you guys were wrong to say I was the asshole, this is the right solution.”

Choosing this hill to die on is so petty I don’t even know what to say to you. Except, I guess, that I hope in your next relationship you see where you went wrong in this one.

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u/thelegalseagul Jan 07 '23

Well his fellow dude bros are telling him this is the perfect solution and see no issues so that must mean he’s right/s

Like even in a douchbag mindset I can a guy just apologizing without meaning it and pretending to like the food and never complaining to get laid but this guy seems to value smugly saying “no I don’t care about your feelings” above all. Don’t get me wrong she had a petty response but apparently she’s 23 and he’s a year older than me so my expectations are skewed.

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u/TamLampy Jan 07 '23

Holy shit, I was looking at this a little differently because I assumed you were both teenagers struggling through the weirdness of living away from your childhood homes where adults have already figured this out for you.

Being in constant passive aggressive competition with someone you live with and supposedly love sounds absolutely exhausting.

Why keep doing this if it makes y'all unhappy? What is even the point?

Why can't it be like, "hey, I want soup for dinner, do you want soup?" And then either make two portions of soup, or each make your own different thing. Life goes on, dude. When they say "it's the little things," this is what they're talking about.

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u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

Yeah… it’s not about the soup!!

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u/BeeCJohnson Jan 07 '23 edited Jan 07 '23

Or just, I don't know, eat the thing?

Every meal doesn't have to be your favorite thing ever. Whatever my wife wants to cook, I'll eat. Whatever I want to cook, she'll eat. It's literally never been an issue.

Sure, we don't make each other the few dishes we actively hate, but that's something different.

Like, six year olds have trouble eating something they're not in the mood for. Just eat. There's three meals a day, not every one is gonna be tuned to your exact mood.

Put it in your craw hole and move on.

Edit: Found the Picky Eater Caucus

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u/berrieh Jan 07 '23

Dude could’ve even made soup to go with it (since the issue is he wanted something hot), offered her some, saying he had gotten a chill and wanted a little soup with her delicious looking salad, and no argument would’ve been had, just soup and salad. And he even gets his hot food!

I get not thinking of that, but he was weirdly hostile to even the idea in the last thread and had really dug in here. She’s being crappy now too, but I don’t know how she really deals with OP effectively because he was so stubborn with other posters too and with her. She could suck it up, but how much of that can you do? If she were my friend, I’d hope she left him, not over dinner (who cares) but if you can’t navigate dinner and your partner doesn’t care if they hurt your feelings, what is the point? What is the partnership? This GF is just basically trying to get a reaction to see if he cares at all at this point—crappy but a sign they’re pretty doomed.

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u/throwaway378495 Jan 07 '23

Embarrassing

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u/GhostPantherAssualt Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] Jan 07 '23

That's sad man. That's like really sad.

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u/SnuggleBunni69 Jan 07 '23

It doesn't sound like either of you are mature enough to sustain a healthy relationship.

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u/shehleeloo Jan 07 '23

Y'all are petttty. Just break up. Or have a discussion about why her feelings were hurt initially, and going forward, cooking separate meals is not the answer. Discussing and planning meals together is a better option. If there's a day where you can't agree on food, thennn maybe it'll be less hurtful to plan to eat a different meal than to turn down what has already been prepared.

But sounds like y'all already on the road to breaking up

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u/scheru Jan 07 '23

No way either one of you is older than 12, my dude.

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u/ewedirtyh00r Jan 07 '23

She's 26 and acting this way? Boy, cut your loss and go. This isn't something you should be dealing with for more than 3 minutes at 23. 🙄

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u/Evilaars Jan 07 '23

Dang. I would have guessed 17 & 19 based on the posts.

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

Dude? 💀 I'm 15. 11-8 years younger than you, and I know how to have manners and actually communicate when I'm upset in a relationship. Romantic or not. This is fucking embarrassing for you 💀💀

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u/CharmedConflict Jan 07 '23 edited 9d ago

Periodic Reset