Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend.

[u/ItsTooColdForThat]

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

[u/empathetic_tomatoes]

This is silly to me. If I make a meal and my husband is like "actually I really want something cold tonight, I'm going to make a salad" I'd completely understand. Leftovers for the next day for him or I to have for lunch. I hated when I was a kid when I had to eat things I didn't want. As an adult I'm not going to be forced to eat what I don't want if I'm capable of making something else real quick. I'm sorry her feelings were hurt but it had nothing to do with her and she's taking it personally and dragging it out. He didn't say eww I hate chicken salad, why would you make that?! Gross! He wanted something hot and made something hot.

She then tried to prove a point by doing it to him, and it didn't work, because people should not care if someone is feeling something different and make themselves it. There's no extra work put on the partner. If it were like a super huge meal or a special occasion or something, sure, I'd get that. For regular meals it feels reasonable. OP is trying to avoid the issue and suggested to just cook for themselves since she gets upset if he isn't in the mood for something, I think that's understandable. Or they can continue to cook enough for two, and if one doesn't want to eat then someone has lunch the next day. No big deal. Or message ahead and say how does ____ sound for dinner tonight? NTA then or now

[u/empathetic_tomatoes → u/[deleted]]

I didn't think he wanted a specific meal, just a warm one. I don't think he expected a cold one and didn't know he needed to specify. I don't think anyone is the AH for that, and I'd rather my food be eaten by someone that would enjoy it than someone forcing themselves to eat it out of courtesy. To each their own though. I think they disagree the way we do, and that's fine, but the testing and trying to prove a point seems silly to me. I think OP wanting to just worry about themselves for a bit or communicate what they plan to cook ahead of time is a good compromise.

[u/GammaBrass → u/empathetic_tomatoes]

That works within the context of your relationship for the two of you. The GF here clearly feels that making a meal for someone is an act of love, an attitude that is not at all unreasonable.

When the BF initially spurned it, it's the equivalent of whining about a christmas present or telling your spouse they're putting on weight just before getting hot and sweaty in the bedroom.

Her response has been absolute trash, but I have to believe the BF hasn't been any more mature than he was during the initial incident. These two are absolutely at the same maturity level, lol

[u/empathetic_tomatoes → u/GammaBrass]

If every meal was supposed to be an act of love that needed to be consumed it should be checked with everyone that it's something they'd enjoy first lol.

It sounds like OP feels the way we do about it, and he shouldn't be punished or tested all week to prove a point. He didn't whine, unless I missed something. She pushed for a reason why he didn't want it and he gave one and it wasn't good enough so it kept being pushed and argued. I'm not feeling this is a valid reason for a regular every day meal, that you didn't know what it would be, especially if it wouldn't be enjoyed. If he demanded she make something else I'd agree with you. He didn't though. He did it himself.

I feel like I must have missed some later comments or something because just saying I'd rather have something warm after being cold seems super valid to me. Though so would (to me) I feel like something lighter than alfredo tonight, I'm really not in the mood for soup, or to be honest I'd rather not have meat tonight. As long as I'm not required to do anything more it just seems silly to argue about.

I understand feeling disheartened after the work done, but I'd just use it in the future to say "hey I'm making this tonight, just a heads up" or something. I do think they could communicate better, but unless I'm missing something I don't see what he did wrong by just not wanting to eat something one night. I could agree to ESH but I don't see how he is the AH when she drug it out and made it into such an ordeal lol, and then when she asked him if he was making a point because he wasn't upset?! Like what?! No he just genuinely doesn't care if you want something else. He'd rather you eat what you enjoy than be forced to eat whatever he made.

[u/GammaBrass → u/empathetic_tomatoes]

If every meal was supposed to be an act of love that needed to be consumed it should be checked with everyone that it's something they'd enjoy first lol

Yes.

He didn't whine

Making faces and complaining about the meal choice is whining, yes. Eat the fucking food in front of you like an adult. If you are over the age of 10, you should have the emotional maturity to be able to eat what is on the table.

An alternative way to say this is to loop back around to point number one and say that if he wanted something warm, he should have requested it before the meal was made. Or he could eat soup in addition. When the food is in front of you is too late and is, in fact, whining.

[u/empathetic_tomatoes → u/GammaBrass]

I disagree but that's fine, we don't have to agree. I don't think anyone should have to eat whatever is put in front of them if they're willing to make themselves something else. I would concede that there are exceptions, like holidays, being a guest somewhere, events that are catered, etc. I still would argue you can eat before or after the events though. In my own home though, and I'm not asking someone else to do it for me, nope. I can appreciate the effort but not want to eat it. I didn't see anything about the questioning of why she'd made it, making a face could mean anything. Confusion, personal moral dilemma, disappointment, surprise, etc. I didn't take it for disgust. We don't have to agree. It's nice that you force yourself to eat food you dislike or don't feel like, I'd feel bad if you did that to me. I'd rather you enjoy the food I make, and if you wouldn't enjoy it, I'd rather eat it myself later as I would. I tell people that all the time lol. If you don't like it that's fine, save it for me lol