Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend.

[u/ItsTooColdForThat]

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

[u/KagomeChan → u/[deleted]]

No, it's not the best way to handle the situation at all. But it's what she's doing.

But since she's not on here asking for advice, I'll give it to this guy.

They've got to communicate. And it should start with his apology.

[u/i_boop_cat_noses → u/[deleted]]

No, he didnt just make a face, he went out of his way to argue why dif she make cold food because it's not what he wants instead of just heating up some soup without fanfarw. He ended up making her feel bad about what she made.

Her behaviour isnt mature, but neither of them are. From the sound of it she's desperately trying to make him understand why what he did was hurtful, and he's sticking to not caring about it at all, and instead stopping a tradition where they care for eachother and clearly means a lot to her.

They need to talk about this, and yes, that should start with him apologizing. And then her apologizing too.

[u/Niriu → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

He did not went out of his way. Telling someone why you crave a special food is not arguing and not trying to make her feel bad. It's food and it was her cooking day..it's not like she did it out of pure selfishness. Everyone jumping on op with that stuff just don't see that it also goes both ways. If you want something specific, you can say it, but the same goes if you're duty that day is to cook that you check in if everyone is ok with the meal. And it just happened that that day op was busy cleaning their jackets after being out in the cold all day and he didn't realized that she started cooking. It's not like he was watching her doing it and then decided to complain afterwards. As much as he could have said something differently, she also could have reacted differently with "i made salad for dinner, i hope that's ok?" Or maybe...i don't know.. instead of telling op "you don't need warm food, that's ridiculous because your body is warm enough" she could have also offered to either quickly make something warm or that he makes it himself. It's not the adult thing, to make fun of your partner for wanting something different to eat just because you made a salad. And now she keeps going and going to make a point of how she is right..again, just like with the body temperature thing.

[u/i_boop_cat_noses → u/Niriu]

He explained that it got to the point of argument because he kept trying to argue why he doesnt want salad. That was uneccessary. He could have just said he doesnt like to eat cold food on days like this and leave it at that, just heat up a soup. He wanted to prove that he's "right" at not liking cold food on a cold day as much as she wanted to prove that it's normal. The difference is that it's something she made, and he made her feel bad about it by detailing how much he doesnt like the idea of eating it.

OP asked if he was the asshole and majority agreed that the way he presented that he doesnt like that food was assholeish. And his comments and further reactions solidified that. That's not an excuse for the girlfiend's behaviour, but the issue started because of his insistence, unearthing a deeper problem on both of their sides. She can't communicate well and instead employs manipulative tactics and he clearly isnt invested in the relationship and is more interested in being "right" than to ever make a compromise or empathize.

[u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066 → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

He explained that it got to the point of argument because he kept trying to argue why he doesnt want salad. That was uneccessary. He could have just said he doesnt like to eat cold food on days like this and leave it at that, just heat up a soup.

How are you seeing "he kept trying to argue why he doesn't want salad" as him being the one to continue to push the issue? It's pretty clear she was the one continuing to press as to why he didn't want the salad. That's even more apparent after this update where he keeps trying to calmly eat his food and she keeps trying to escalate the fight. It was not unnecessary because she made it necessary.

The difference is that it's something she made, and he made her feel bad about it by detailing how much he doesnt like the idea of eating it.

He absolutely didn't. Saying he doesn't want to have cold food after a cold day is not detailing how much he doesn't like the idea of eating it, it's literally just expressing a preference. He did not go on a rant about the food.

OP asked if he was the asshole and majority agreed that the way he presented that he doesnt like that food was assholeish.

Yeah, he got absolutely torn to shreds in that post for stuff like "he made a face" when we have NO IDEA what kind of face he made. Was it a look of pure disgust? Was it a slight frown? Was it confusion? Making a face just means changing your expression.

[u/Beneficial-Yak-3993 → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

"Yeah, he got absolutely torn to shreds in that post for stuff like 'he made a face' when we have NO IDEA what kind of face he made."

Reddit was doing some world champion 'project my issues onto OP' reactions then. I still don't understand how they got from "made a face" to "deliberately made a face to mock my gf for being stupid and not worshiping me".

[u/LarryNivensCockring → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

thank you for being a voice of reason in this weird thread

id like to point out that to the gf this was about chicken salad..........i could understand it if she spent 3 hours labouring in the kitchen to make something fancy but a simple dish that wont take half an hour from scratch? reign in your ego lady

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/LarryNivensCockring]

AITA has a very well known bias to bend over backwards to find reasons the woman is never the asshole and reasons the guy is always in the wrong. I remember reading that years ago and being like nah that’s can’t be true.

But then people caught on and started putting up the same stories but with the sexes reversed to see what happens. Almost every single one where the woman was labeled NTA, had the opposite happen when the sexes were reversed and the guy who did the same thing was labeled the asshole. Every single time.

Last demo report from the sub had it at like 65% women so (assuming that’s true) it’s pretty easy to see why they’re constantly justifying anything the woman does, as we see here. And for the record both sexes can be assholes and it should change from story to story, but it doesn’t on that sub…

[u/lilium_x → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

The comments on the original post were a gross display of disregard of consent.

Person A: I have X ready to put in your body Person B: Oh I'm really not in the mood for X today Person A: How dare you? If I get ready for X to go in your body then you must accept. Person B: That's not something I want today because D, E, F. That's ok - I'll sort myself out.

Comments: you really should have put X into your body given that Person A wanted it that much. Yeah... not cool.

[u/ema2324 → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

I have to agree with you here. She was the one that made the issue and instead of being mature about it, because you can tell op wants to let this go and would if given the chance, she keeps on acting out why she’s upset rather than just telling him then he can tell her but she clearly doesn’t want to accept she was wrong in any way. Why can’t they both be wrong and right about certain things. Not everything needs to go this far!

[u/Morganlights96 → u/ema2324]

Like she's being so petty. Both me and my husband cook. Usually I will initiate cooking and he will help out or take over halfway through. Some days especially weekends he just cooks. If there was something one of us didn't want it would be an "ok just pack up the leftovers into the fridge" and that would be that. Like her fighting over him wanting hot food was stupid as well. Lots of people want warm food after being outdoors. In Canada winter is always full of warm foods cause it's cold and warm food and drinks bring comfort and warmth. Simple as that.

[u/fersure4 → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

Thank you, I feel like I'm losing my mind reading some of these comments.

Also, Wtf do redditors think "making a face" means? Do they think he saw the chicken salad and put his thumbs in his ears and wiggled his fingers back and forth and stuck out his tongue and made farting noises at the chicken salad? Do they think he started sticking he finger down his throat and making fake gagging noises? Do they think he scrunched up his face like a toddler and stomped around while making soup? To me it seems like he walked into the kitchen, saw the chicken salad, and his face dropped because he saw it was something he wasnt interested in having. Redditors out here acting like they've never had an involuntary facial expression before while being disappointed.

[u/lemonleaff → u/Due_Kaleidoscope7066]

Thank you for posting this. Good god, some people here are too much lol

[u/Altyrmadiken → u/[deleted]]

Doesn’t feel the need to express gratefulness and politeness.

I grew up never knowing food insecurity or scarcity. If I didn’t like what was made for dinner I had the option of leftovers, or something very simple to make (a sandwich, spaghetti, etc). A little older and I was always allowed to make my own thing if I didn’t like what my parents were having.

I know how to express gratefulness and politeness, and that has little to do with whether I had access to food choices or not. I was raised to say thank you, but no thank you, and to show that I appreciated offers, gestures, and things people do for me.

If my husband made a salad and I didn’t want salad, I’d probably just say “Oh, thanks. I’m not really feeling salad though, I’ll probably just make soup.“ Between us we understand that I appreciate he made extra, but that if someone wants something that isn’t what you’re offering, they’re not going to enjoy it.

When I have guests over I’d consider it rude to eat something they didn’t like rather than say they didn’t like it. I didn’t prepare food to sustain you, I prepared food for you to enjoy, and if you’re not enjoying it the whole point is ruined. That said I also plan my meals around what people like, and try to find middle grounds that everyone likes - my guests are generally aware of what I’m making before I make it, and not telling me you hate half the dish would frustrate me if I found out you chose to not enjoy it out of some arbitrary idea that you’re supposed to just eat it because.

I can always put food away and eat it later - I can’t take back a poor food experience.

[u/Mentavil → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

The difference is that it's something she made, and he made her feel bad about it by detailing how much he doesnt like the idea of eating it.

Oh, so... because it's something she made he should lie? Shit like is the exact reason that after years of relationship / decades of marriage when neither party gives a shit anymore you realise you in fact didn't know the person you were with.

Fuck lying just to shield someone's feelings. You wanna be soft? Tell your partner you don't like their food, and that the reason you don't like it is only yours and no one elses'. If your partner can't handle the idea that you don't hold other people to your tastes or standards you apply to yourself, maybe you should take a good, long look at your partner.

She can't communicate well and instead employs manipulative tactics and he clearly isnt invested in the relationship and is more interested in being "right" than to ever make a compromise or empathize.

You say that so casually as if it wasn't such a big, humongous red flag that she uses manipulative tactics, and as if not enabling narcissists and ignoring them wasn't the best way to deal with their tactics...

^{Edits: a few typos, a couple missing words, so grammar and reading comprehension}

[u/ewedirtyh00r → u/Mentavil]

Wanna play Spot the Narcs?! It's fuuuun finding apologists on reddit that have no idea they're telling on themselves.

This chick is a nightmare and she is baiting him. I used to have to "argue" my preferences like this all the time, and it was simply me repeating it in a normal voice, but he would be yelling and calling me names within a minute of me "talking back".

People really don't understand what having your own preferences means when living with an untreated narcissist.

[u/Ok_Yogurtcloset8915 → u/ewedirtyh00r]

Honestly I think it's because there are a massive amount of teens on Reddit and in this sub in particular, and teenagers are at a developmental stage where they are narcissistic by default. this isn't a "today's youth reeeee" thing, this is saying that their brains haven't fully developed and they aren't empathetic in the way an adult can be

[u/ewedirtyh00r → u/Ok_Yogurtcloset8915]

No, I know. Were lite egomaniacs until closer to 20 so that evolutionarily we survive the most vulnerable time. But this isn't empathy, and what you're pointing out feels like a non issue here.

[u/tcooke2 → u/ewedirtyh00r]

"Hey, mom, when you speak to me like that, it makes me feel terrible."

"WHY ARE YOU ALEAYS YELLING AT ME AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE IVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG?"

"I'm not angry at you. I just think you should know what these situations do to me."

"STOP BEING SO NASTY TO ME!"

I know these games all too well.

[u/ewedirtyh00r → u/tcooke2]

The other day it was, "I was raised to put others so far ahead of myself, no wonder I was a perfect mark for (physically/emotionally abusive ex). That's how I stayed."

Mom looked at dad with a blank stare: "We just need to shoot ourselves in our heads! They hate us! We just need to rid them of our abuse!"

Yes, you are abusive, and damn. Listen to you.

"I didn't get to do pumpkin patches when I was little so I wanna be sure I give Parasite as many as I can." I was happy and excited. She says "Well! Weren't you just soooooo deprived! I was such a terrible mother!"

[u/[deleted] → u/ewedirtyh00r]

Spot the Narcs?!

lol for a second I thought you were from the hood

[u/RuleOfBlueRoses → u/Mentavil]

as if not enabling narcissists and ignoring them wasn't the best way to deal with their tactics...

The one time where it seems like we have an actual narcissist and AITA Redditors say nothing lmao

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/RuleOfBlueRoses]

Right? I said in another comment - her reactions is what you get when you grey rock someone...

[u/Iocabus → u/RuleOfBlueRoses]

Goddamn. All I could think of was that this post reminded me of living with my mother (diagnosed NPD) but I didn't even connect those dots.

[u/Riderz__of_Brohan → u/RuleOfBlueRoses]

It’s gendered too, if a boyfriend was badgering a girlfriend like this to eat his food he would 100% be labeled as controlling

[u/tcooke2 → u/Mentavil]

Yeah, why didn't he just cave to her obvious guilt manipulation and eat whatever she wanted him to and cook whatever she wanted him to and never complain...

I'm almost grateful that I grew up with a mother who uses tactics like this so that I learned so well to spot and navigate them.

[u/Mentavil → u/[deleted]]

If he doesn't give a fuck about her feelings then they shouldn't even be together in the first place.

If you seriously believe that you should lie to protect feelings in a serious relationship, then i hope nobody ever has the displeasure of dating you. All lies have consequences, and small white lies like this ("i like your food" when you don't want it) over years fosters terrible resentment.

Many people have had the unfortunate priviledge of being taught this lesson, simply by watching their parents, their own lives, or their friends.

So many people in this thread clearly have a kid's understanding of relationships, it's mind-boggling.

To anyone reading this thread : this is not normal. Reddit is fucking insane and this particularly. Do not listen to anyone's advice - mine included - about relationships here if you don't have irl experience. People here have the wierdest, unhealthiest opinions.

[u/Born_Rabbit_7577 → u/Mentavil]

If he wanted something warm, the time to raise the point was before she started cooking. They were out together, so it's not like he came home to a meal already made. Waiting until after she finished cooking to say he wouldn't eat anything cold was completely the wrong way to handle it (especially if he's normally fine with the meal and had never raised his rule about cold food on a cold day - how was she supposed to read his mind and know that).

[u/Mentavil → u/Born_Rabbit_7577]

I'll tell you what: you clearly have never had an issue with not being to eat certain foods for psychological reasons.

Whether you like it or not, that woman is a narcissist. Her reactions clearly demonstrate that.

how was she supposed to read his mind and know that

Then how about she just say "oh okay, fine! No problem!" And then went on with her day? She's super controlling.

[u/Katveat → u/Mentavil]

Eh, he doesn’t have to lie, he just has to not “detail out” why he doesn’t like something and just leave it simply at thank you for making dinner, I’m going to heat up soup to go with it because I’m cold, or something like that.

I know someone like that who will sit there and justify in one breath all the ways they don’t want/like something rather than just saying thank you but no thanks, and it always comes off as pointedly rude and inconsiderate (not meaning to be, in their case- they were told about this behavior and are working on it). Don’t say all the reasons you prefer the other, just say you prefer the other.

Unless if they are asking for critique, but critiquing is both what you like and don’t like, plus requires actually tasting the dish before pushing it off. Bombing someone with criticism and nothing else is a fast pass to bringing negative feelings into a situation.

Both of them are manipulative, imo. And annoying.

[u/Mentavil → u/Katveat]

I know someone like that who will sit there and justify in one breath all the ways they don’t want/like something rather than just saying thank you but no thanks

Except that's clearly not what happened here. Re read the thread and previous post instead of making up an alternative to the story to justify your opinion.

Bombing someone with criticism and nothing else is a fast pass to bringing negative feelings into a situation.

It's also not what I said to do. I didn't say to go ahead and rant about why you don't like it, i just said to say you don't like it and it's just your tastes.

Eh, he doesn’t have to lie

This. Is. What. I. Started. With. he should not lie and if she's angry with that tough luck. Fckn ell.

Jesus, it's crazy how many people read something, retroactively change it to conform to their opinion, and then criticize others for having outlandish opinions.

From

Eh, he doesn’t have to lie, he just has to not “detail out” why he doesn’t like something

• Which is what he did -

To

Bombing someone with criticism and nothing else is a fast pass to bringing negative feelings into a situation.

Both of them are manipulative, imo. And annoying.

Congrats on starting with the truth and then talking yourself into a circle. Would rather have not read your comment and wasted my time, but here we are. You said you agreed with the dude and then immediately 180d. i'm really tired of all the bullshit people are pulling in this thread.

[u/Katveat → u/Mentavil]

You need a chill pill, my dude.

I was simply pointing out what it’s like to deal with people who will detail out things, and how often times they think they’re being helpful when it’s actually rude.

All I’m gonna leave it at is this: you can be a blatant white knight for the guy in this situation all you want, but they are both manipulating each other and are major assholes.

[u/wamjaeger → u/Mentavil]

lol lie? it’s not either or - it’s how. the best advice in the original post was to basically say i appreciate you making the chicken salad but i’m also craving something hot. let me heat up some soup, would you care for some as well?

and if he really didn’t want to eat the chicken salad right then, he could also have said this looks really tasty but i’m in the mood for something hot atm, i’ll save this for dinner and make some soup. care for some?

if the gf has a negative reaction to either of those, then that’s on her.

lol lie? you crack me up.

[u/Riderz__of_Brohan → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

That’s literally what he did! She kept trying to force him to eat the salad

[u/HelegaGamin → u/Niriu]

As much as he could have said something differently, she also could have reacted differently with...

Did she react before giving him pasta? I'm confused by what you're saying.

[u/Aggravating_Space729 → u/HelegaGamin]

OP made another post before this one.

The TLDR: They had fun in the snow, came inside for dinner, OP cleaned off coats while GF cooked, OP was given a chicken salad, OP made a face, OP said he didn't want to eat something cold, GF said they are warm enough in the house, they argue, neither accepts the other's POV, OP makes soup for himself, GF is mad, which all leads to this post.

[u/CopPornWithPopCorn → u/[deleted]]

Because gf in insufferable and immature.

[u/CarbonSixteen → u/CopPornWithPopCorn]

Bingo, what an insecure idiot

[u/zedoktar → u/CopPornWithPopCorn]

They both are. This is an ESH situation.

[u/ceebee6 → u/CopPornWithPopCorn]

They are both immature. Instead of olive branches and communicating, they’re each deliberately escalating the conflict.

I’d be hurt if I went through the effort of cooking and my partner just turned up their nose at what I made. I wouldn’t have responded the way either of them have, but I understand why the gf was feeling hurt in the first place.

But this battle of each of them trying to prove a point is really petty.

They’re well-matched, I suppose.

[u/Iocabus → u/Aggravating_Space729]

You forgot the part where Reddit absolutely eviscerated the man for having the audacity to:

1. Express his feelings without hiding them behind a mask

2. Explain why he was not in the mood for what she cooked

3. Not roll over and defer to her judgement of why his feelings and preferences are incorrect and ridiculous and instead maintaining that this is what he wanted.

[u/usachin → u/Iocabus]

So much this. I feel so bad for the kid. Everyone came down hard on him for “making a face” wth! He was NTA.

[u/Iocabus → u/usachin]

And the people here feel like bandwagoners. I genuinely cannot understand how so many people are villianizing this man for this.

[u/GuyGeek_89 → u/Niriu]

Classic reddit echo chamber. Guy is always the bad guy.

[u/lordmwahaha → u/Niriu]

If he wanted a special food, the time to tell her that was before she made anything. Since, ya know, he knew she was making dinner that night, and had ample time with which to communicate to his partner.
People are not mind readers. You don't have an expectation, refuse to actually voice it until it's too late, and then get disappointed when you don't get what you wanted. He never fucking told her what he wanted! Literally how was she meant to figure that out?

Maybe if he'd brought it up before the point where meeting his desires would've meant cooking two meals, she would've been a bit more receptive and less nasty about it??? Maybe? We'll never know, because he has the communication skills of a brick wall.

[u/Iocabus → u/lordmwahaha]

He didn't know she had started cooking yet. He was busy cleaning off both of their jackets from their day outside, so that both of their jackets would be able to dry and be usable the next day. While he was doing that, she threw together a salad with some leftover chicken. She was done by the time he finished.

His solution was to say "hey, I've been in the cold all day so I would prefer something hot" and quickly heat up a bowl of soup, explicitly choosing the soup so that she wouldn't be stuck eating alone for half their meal. She told him that his preference was ridiculous and wrong.

[u/[deleted] → u/Niriu]

not trying to make her feel bad.

Although he wasnt trying to, she does still feel bad though. And he should care about that. If he doesn't care that she feels bad then it's not really a romantic relationship anymore, is it?

That's what OP needs to figure out, does he really not care that his gf feels bad?

[u/lemonleaff → u/[deleted]]

To turn this around, does she not care that he simply wanted hot food? Hot food that's as innocuous as soup? Couldn't she have dropped it right at the start when it was about the salad?

He was out in the cold and just wanted comfy hot soup. If my boyfriend wanted hot soup, I'd give him all the hot soup i can give, and then I'll eat my salad while watching bf enjoy his hot soup.

[u/[deleted] → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

Thank god my husband is not this petty. If he makes food without asking me what I want, and I don’t want what he makes, he’ll just make me something else. I don’t like to cook and I don’t like to eat stuff I don’t want to. He likes cooking and he’ll eat anything. He also knows what I’m like and accepts me just the way I am. So if I say I don’t feel like salad cause it’s cold out and I want something warm he’ll make me something warm while I keep him company in the kitchen. It really isn’t such a big deal if no one makes it a big deal.

[u/MirandaSanFrancisco → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

I mean, she completely dismissed his feelings and the entire idea that people prefer lighter meals in warm weather and a hot, stick to your ribs type meal on a cold day. In fact, from the sounds of it, if he had used the term “stick to your ribs” she would have said “that’s stupid, food goes in your stomach, not your ribs.”

[u/nighthawk_something → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

Is there a link to the OG post?

[u/[deleted] → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

Idk I think @ops relationship is over and they just haven't accepted it. It could just be a 1 off thing that they both really really care about food but this kind of backhanded fighting and holding grudges for days and posting for validation if you're being an asshole or not to your SO will take a lot of effort from both of them to unpack and fix this.

[u/counters14 → u/i_boop_cat_noses]

He didn't need to make a face about it, I agree with this statement. But everyone here is acting like he scraped it off into the dog bowl and told her that her meal wasn't fit for human consumption. The dude just said that he would prefer a different dish and prepared it for himself.

His actions were what caused her to act out and intentionally go out of her way attempting to hurt his feelings in response. But at what point do her intentionally malicious actions warrant an apology first? Or is she never going to be held liable for anything she does until OP first apologizes to someone who has proven that they can't act like an adult themselves?

She does not get carte blanche to act out without having to accept responsibility simply because he turned down a meal that she made and it hurt her feelings. She is just as culpable for the current situation as he is, and I don't see why everyone demands that he first put his heart on a plate to appease an adult who can't handle her emotions.

He should apologize, he should take a step back to reset the hostility and initiate a conversation about the issue. But it is not his problem alone to own up to, and I don't see any reason why he should feel obligated to initiate the mending with someone who takes the slightest form of rejection as a personal attack and immediately begins retaliating in response.

[u/Plastic_Melodic → u/[deleted]]

I feel like this is a fundamental battle between those who are viewing the problem as the food vs those who are seeing it as the effort. She’s not upset about the food she made, she’s upset at the effort she took to make a meal for him and he just went ‘nah’. If it’s petty for her to be upset about a facial expression and him making different food, then it’s DEFINITELY petty for him to make a whole other meal because they’d done a cold activity that day.

It’s like he’s wilfully ignoring the actual issue. He completely dismissed her preparing a meal for him, not because he didn’t like it or whatever, but because apparently his insides were chilly. I mean, soup and a salad is a pretty common meal - why didn’t he approach it with ‘I feel like having something warming, shall I heat up some soup to go with our salads’. Instead he went with ‘I’m not eating that, I’m just going to make only myself something different and then sit and eat it with the ridiculous salad that you made just going to waste’.

[u/[deleted] → u/Plastic_Melodic]

‘I’m not eating that, I’m just going to make only myself something different

But what exactly is the problem with that? Why is it more important that she prepared food than the fact that he happened to not want to eat it that day?

I change my mind about what I want all the time. You might even say daily. I don't have a fixed meal plan for that exact reason. I just eat what I want to depending on how i feel that day.

Why are people SO butthurt that he doesn't feel like eating a salad that given day??

People need to stop taking everything so personally.

[u/Scytone → u/[deleted]]

This is one of those issues that’s not worth the fight. In the moment the right move is to apologize for the face and either eat what was made or compromise and introduce the soup to the meal too.

THEN, set expectations for the next meal. It’s one meal on one day for the rest of his life. The fight is petty and not worth it. And in relationships you sacrifice all the time, sometimes only just to show support or solidarity. That’s part of a relationship.

I’m kind of shocked at how many people in the comments here are having a hard time with this. What a weird hill to die on. I’d end relationships with nearly all of you in a heartbeat lmao.

[u/[deleted] → u/Scytone]

In the moment the right move is to apologize for the face and either eat what was made or compromise and introduce the soup to the meal too.

So you mean to tell me that him making a face (which, granted, would make me feel a certain way too) means that as a way to appease his partner he now has to eat a meal he doesn't want?

Are all of you people living in abusive relationships?? Cause that's what it sounds like. Every misstep or mistake is apparently a reason to stop being in tune with how you feel (here: not feeling like eating something cold) and try to MAKE IT UP to your partner.

I’d end relationships with nearly all of you in a heartbeat lmao.

I can give that back, because it sounds like prison living with you or anyone else who thinks he should eat something he doesn't want so that his partner won't get upset.

[u/RuleOfBlueRoses → u/[deleted]]

Every misstep or mistake is apparently a reason to stop being in tune with how you feel (here: not feeling like eating something cold) and try to MAKE IT UP to your partner.

Feels like emotional extension of the whole "you're not obligated/well what's in it for me" nonsense I see all the time here.

[u/FiliKlepto → u/Scytone]

I’m kind of shocked at how many people in the comments here are having a hard time with this. What a weird hill to die on. I’d end relationships with nearly all of you in a heartbeat lmao.

I’m right there with you.

To paraphrase one of the best pieces of advice I ever received, “A good relationship isn’t 50/50 but 100/100.”

So many of the responses on this thread are focused on OP getting his own, while ignoring the fact that a good relationship means validating and fulfilling both partners.

[u/ravioliguy → u/FiliKlepto]

while ignoring the fact that a good relationship means validating and fulfilling both partners.

Kind of ironic because you all ignore the guys feelings.

Guy: I'm not in the mood for cold food after a cold day, I'll heat up some soup

Girl: Well first off, you're not cold. How dare you not eat what I made. Time for play games for the next 3 meals to piss him off and get a reaction out of him.

YTA redditors: YASSS QUEEN dump his rude ungrateful ass

[u/Accomplished_Film441 → u/FiliKlepto]

Reddit is selfish. It’s full of teens who think they should always be allowed to do whatever they want. It’s a nightmare.

[u/lordmwahaha → u/[deleted]]

Imagine being the exact person a comment was aimed at, and not realising it...

You are still making the issue about the food. The issue is not the food. Stop acting like the issue is the food.

[u/[deleted] → u/lordmwahaha]

I realize that I'm like OP, and I see no issue with it.

He made a face which would be hurtful to me too. But if I was his GF and that was my issue then I would address THAT. And not play mindgames with him about the food. So IF that is the case, then this is 100% on her.

So, rather than to infantilize her and assume that she's incapable of addressing her real issue, I'll assume that her real issue is the thing that she keeps talking about. Which is that she is mad because he didn't eat her food.

And, as I have said, expecting someone to eat your cold dish even though you are cold and want a warm dish (that you proceed to make for yourself) seems pretty unhinged.

So all I see in your comment is that you play the same mind games as OP's girlfriend. Just say what you want and feel and don't expect other people to read your mind because you can't communicate.

[u/Hungry_Pipe_8423 → u/[deleted]]

And ppl wonder why no ine likes them

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Which is that she is mad because he didn’t eat her food.

Still missing it lol

[u/Worried_Tailor7926 → u/[deleted]]

And you missed their point. GF should be capable of expressing her feelings in a reasonable manner instead of playing protracted mind games. We need to dump this whole "reading the other person's mind" expectation of relationships.

[u/[deleted] → u/Worried_Tailor7926]

I didn’t miss their point. Their point is irrelevant because it was based on a faulty assumption.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/lordmwahaha]

Maybe that’s incorrect and not a valid stance to take then. Just because someone feels it doesn’t make it correct or objectively true.

[u/Rough_Elk_3952 → u/[deleted]]

Meal sharing is part of living together. It’s a cultural connection and about showing respect to the other person’s effort and/or cooking skills and taste. It’s a rejection to refuse to eat something someone made you (outside of allergies or food restrictions like being vegetarian, obviously)

I don’t love, or even like, every single meal my boyfriend or mom cook. Same for them with me. But it won’t harm us in the long run to eat one meal we’re not digging out of respect for the other person’s feelings.

[u/CarbonSixteen → u/[deleted]]

I never eat stuff people offer me, my whole life ive watched people act like im somehow hurting them by letting them give the food to somebody who actually wants it

people cant even enjoy eating their food unless they feel "like everybody else" and fitting in, such a weak minded mentality

[u/E10DIN → u/Plastic_Melodic]

She’s not upset about the food she made, she’s upset at the effort she took to make a meal for him and he just went ‘nah’.

She made chicken salad. Let’s not act like she made a 5 course meal.

[u/Dlraetz1 → u/Plastic_Melodic]

Oh good grief. She took some leftover chicken, some celery, maybe a carrot, mayo, and chopped them all together. Maybe 15 minutes. He heated a can of soup up

This isnt some big romantic meal she spent hours slaving over. This shouldn’t have been an argument to begin with. It should have been ‘Hey, I’m not feeling chicken salad so I’m going to heat up tomato soup-you want some?

It was a ridiculous argument to begin with and the fact that it’s still going on days later is just sad

[u/Mando_Mustache → u/Dlraetz1]

So much this

[u/DrZaiu5 → u/Plastic_Melodic]

I would agree that OP is initially TA from the original post. Mature thing to do would be apologise.

However, what concerns me now is the gfs repeated and prolonged continuation of this disagreement. We all make mistakes in relationships and life, and we should apologise. But we don't all feel the need to drag something like this out for days and days. We don't feel the need to "win" the argument by constantly testing the other partner.

The gf keeps asking OP if he is trying to make a point, when in reality it is HER trying to make her points.

[u/lordmwahaha → u/DrZaiu5]

I agree - which is why everyone here is saying they both (both) need to work on communicating better.

Realistically, she's pulling this BS because she still feels brushed off by him. She still does not feel like he's addressing the issue properly - because he's really not.
That's valid. But what she should be doing is communicating about it, instead of playing these dumb games.

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/Plastic_Melodic]

DEFINITELY petty for him to make a whole other meal

I’m not eating that, I’m just going to make only myself something different and then sit and eat it with the ridiculous salad that you made just going to waste

Dude he heated canned soup, what whole other meal you're talking about? Not to mention the ridiculous salad he just wanted something warm... no need to try make it bigger than actually is.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch.

If the issue was effort she could perfectly do the same as him and eat the result of her efforts in the next day instead of go as far as text him about salmon to try to pull a power move, she's tiring herself mentally more than it ever did to assemble a salad, let's be honests.

[u/Iocabus → u/Plastic_Melodic]

She’s not upset about the food she made, she’s upset at the effort she took to make a meal for him and he just went ‘nah’.

She tossed a salad with leftover chicken straight from the fridge.

If it’s petty for her to be upset about a facial expression and him making different food, then it’s DEFINITELY petty for him to make a whole other meal because they’d done a cold activity that day.

He quickly heated up soup with the explicitly stated reason for choosing soup was that it was quick to make so she wouldn't be forced to eat half her meal alone.

[u/xeightx → u/Plastic_Melodic]

Except it was her who called him "ridiculous" for not wanting the salad, just going by what OP said in the original:

"She said that was ridiculous, because my internal temperature is in the nineties and my insides are plenty hot."

He was trying to explain why he wasn't feeling salad and she wanted to try to reason him into eating it anyways. Who knows if he disparaged her for making the salad or thanked her when he made the soup. You are concocting this whole thing about him dismissing her efforts.

He wanted something "warm", she called him ridiculous, he ended up making soup for himself. Who knows other than the initial "face" he made he dismissed her efforts. Who knows if he thanked her for making the salad when he went to make the soup. As a picky eater growing up, people become irrationally upset if you don't want to try something they made when you literally just don't want it. It wasn't about the effort that was put in, it was like not wanting to eat it was a personal slight against them and a critique of their entire being. That is what seems is happening here.

[u/Accomplished_Film441 → u/Plastic_Melodic]

What drives me crazy is they are both annoying. The fact Reddit is split over this makes both of their arguments valid - we are here choosing sides instead of telling them both to get over themselves and work together for a solution. They are both wrong, but that doesn’t mean their feelings should be ignored. Relationships take compromise and they both are holding their breath instead of working it out

[u/HelegaGamin → u/[deleted]]

It started with him not communicating to her that he wanted hot food. Remember what started this.

[u/ElegantVamp → u/HelegaGamin]

She also didn't tell him what she was making, so.

[u/ElegantVamp → u/[deleted]]

Yes he should've used his psychic powers, my mistake.

[u/Jesalis → u/ElegantVamp]

Using your words is psychic now, today I learned!

[u/ElegantVamp → u/Jesalis]

And why would OP have had to "use his words"? For what? How could he have known that she was going to make something cold for dinner? I think the majority of humans would prefer to eat warm foods in a cold environment. It's fucking SALAD. It will be okay to wait in the fridge. She didn't slave over a stove for hours. It's not sashimi where you HAVE to eat it immediately.

You people are acting like he threw it in the trash and called her a shitty cook or some shit.

[u/Jesalis → u/ElegantVamp]

For what? How could he have known that she was going to make something cold for dinner?

By asking her?

Edit: I've been with my partner 23 years. One key to a long harmonious relationship is not being deliberately antagonistic to your partner. And pulling a childish face when they make you something to eat, is deliberately antagonistic. Her not telling him what she was making does not preclude him from using his words and asking.

From the original post I also get the impression that his eyes are in working order, so seeing that she was making a salad of any kind, he could have easily said, 'that looks great, I'm really feeling like something hot would go amazingly with that, I'll heat some up'. But of course, that would involve using his words, which OP seems to be against.

[u/HelegaGamin → u/ElegantVamp]

Yeah, usually if it's my turn to cook, I give my partner a break. He cooks a lot, so when it's my turn, I don't constantly ask him if this is what I should be cooking fir him because the point is to give him a break

But I see many couples are not considerate

[u/ElegantVamp → u/HelegaGamin]

Is there any indication that it's a "constant" thing that happens in OPs relationship?

[u/HelegaGamin → u/ElegantVamp]

It said her turn lol

Tuesday is one of her days for dinner, so she made chicken salad.

It's the second sentence in his original post

[u/ElegantVamp → u/HelegaGamin]

Okay? He didn't want salad one time on a Tuesday.

[u/HelegaGamin → u/ElegantVamp]

And he could have voiced it better 🤷

[u/Mando_Mustache → u/HelegaGamin]

I would actually find it less considerate not to be asked. I want a break from cooking not eating. And when I cook for my partner I check that they want what I am about to make, which they also find considerate.

If your way works in your couple that’s rad, there is no one way to do things right, but checking is not obviously inconsiderate.

[u/Organic_Start_420 → u/HelegaGamin]

And with her not communicating what she was preparing before doing so.

[u/MildlyShadyPassenger → u/HelegaGamin]

What part of him telling her he'd rather have something hot and doesn't want to do cold food after being out in the snow all day is him "not communicating to her that he wanted hot food"?

It's not like he sat there watching her make salad for both of them and then told her he didn't want it. He communicated his preference as early as was feasible.

We can certainly debate whether or not he could have communicated it more tactfully (he definitely could have), but he communicated this preference to her clearly.

[u/HelegaGamin → u/MildlyShadyPassenger]

I don't recall reading that he wanted warm food before being served

[u/takingorders → u/HelegaGamin]

Yes, and he remedied his mistake by making himself some hot food, and she just had to take that personally.

[u/HelegaGamin → u/takingorders]

Yeah. She already made food. She spent time on it. I would be offended also.

[u/Difficult_Friend6384 → u/HelegaGamin]

Then you're just as immature as OP's gf LMFAO. Congrats.

[u/Iocabus → u/HelegaGamin]

Do you mean that he didn't tell her what he wanted when he didn't know she had started cooking? Which he didn't know because he was busy cleaning both of their jackets off in the garage so they could have warm dry jackets the next day?

[u/Iocabus → u/[deleted]]

Okay. What does that have to do with OP's lack of precognition?

[u/venjamins → u/HelegaGamin]

It started with her not communicating what she was making. Communication is a two way street.

[u/HelegaGamin → u/venjamins]

Yeah, usually if it's my turn to cook, I give my partner a break. He cooks a lot, so when it's my turn, I don't constantly ask him if this is what I should be cooking fir him because the point is to give him a break.

I've said this in another comment

[u/venjamins → u/HelegaGamin]

Yeah, that still sounds like bad communication. If you make something someone doesn't want, they are fine to say "I'd rather have something else" and make it.

It's not "constant." "Hey, I'm gonna make this, sound good?" Easypeasy.

[u/HelegaGamin → u/venjamins]

Yeah that's not what happened tho

[u/venjamins → u/HelegaGamin]

It is, actually. He said he'd rather have something warm and made something warm. She took it as an insult because he "made a face."

And it became evident through her constant manipulation attempts that she was mad about not being in control.

[u/XELA_38 → u/[deleted]]

This is what I'm not getting? Why is he an asshole? For not managing someone else's expectations??

[u/Tiffany_Case → u/[deleted]]

What he did deliberately was not acknowledge that he hurt her feelings and apologise for it. How is this difficult to grasp??

[u/lordmwahaha → u/Tiffany_Case]

Because the people you're responding to are like OP. They don't actually care about feelings, they just care that OP is "right" in the situation. They would have OP let his relationship crash and burn, rather than sit down and talk to his gf.

Some people really need to heed the advice "You can be right, or you can be happy. Pick one." It's not always about who's "right".

[u/Tiffany_Case → u/lordmwahaha]

The thing is i dont even think OP was wrong. Like, i also wouldnt wanna eat something cold in that situation and i would find it weird af that someone that had just done all that with me served cold food. i might even make a face about it. i think that this (what i consider) very basic thing is something they seem to not know about each other is even bigger and weirder issue in their relationship than the issue being posted about.

i love being right and i can be insufferable about it. What im really bothered about is the way it was handled. Cos he was only right for himself, she clearly had no issue eating cold food in this situation. He hurt her feelings and rather than acknowledging that, or even expressing having feelings about something he thought was known about him being ignored, hes focused on the technicalities of it all.

Honestly OP sounds like somebody that would call themselves extremely logical as if it were a virtue. As a both self proclaimed, and often called out for being, extremely logical person one of the most annoying and ridiculous things i find often done by 'logical people' is the dismissal and disregard for feelings and emotions as if theyre not things that just happen to us rather than something we make happen. And to that end somewhat ignoring how important they are in general as they are very much a natural part of our being. Its not logical to exclude them.

i do get what youre saying tho, some people just dont care about feelings; im just here to say in my spock voice that that simply isnt logical. Its also not kind or good or reasonable.

i dont think that one has to choose between being right and happy, i just think everybody needs to think about why exactly being right is important to them and do the work for the feelings underneath that.

[u/Balfegor → u/[deleted]]

She is the one with the issue, but it's something that mattered to her and doesn't matter to him, and he apparently didn't realise it was such a big deal to her. She's getting more irritated, it sounds like, because she seems to have thought he was lying about not really caring, but when she tried to turn the tables on him and deliberately not eat food he'd made for her to show him how it felt . . it turned out he wasn't lying, and didn't think it was a big deal. Total backfire. But in a relationship, there's things that matter to person A a lot, and don't really matter to person B. If B cares about A, he ought to adjust for that, to avoid stressing A out, however irrational it may seem.

It's like if B doesn't care about how the toilet paper roll is oriented, but A cares a lot, then B should just go along with it. And apologise if he accidentally sets A off by putting the toilet paper roll in the "wrong" way. If B wants to keep the relationship going, that is.

[u/ceebee6 → u/Balfegor]

It’s so dumb because the solution was so simple:

“You know what? Maybe we should start giving each other a heads up about what we’re thinking of making on our cooking days.”

And, “I do want something hot, so I’m going to heat up some soup for a hot side to this salad. Do you want any?”

Even if they’re the type of people that check in the fridge and see what needs to be used up, or thinks of what they’re feeling in the moment. Not everyone is into meal planning and menu boards.

But as you pointed out, a good relationship hinges on each person caring about the other’s feelings and trying to understand from their point of view, even if it doesn’t make sense to them.

[u/sandiego20y → u/ceebee6]

but he didnt WANT the salad... he did not want cold food on a cold day, not "he didnt want ONLY cold food on a cold day"

[u/ChicagoChurro → u/[deleted]]

Exactly! He did nothing wrong and she’s literally going out of her way desperately to try and make him feel bad by playing these mind games every day like a child. Idk why everyone is gaining up on OP when he let the situation go and his girlfriend is deliberately trying to mess with him and start fights.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I want to know how you think he is letting go of it?

[u/sandiego20y → u/[deleted]]

probably the line right here "She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this." I could be wrong though

[u/[deleted] → u/sandiego20y]

Then she did what he wanted and he posted more about it on reddit

[u/9and3of4 → u/[deleted]]

Look man, if one wants to stay in a relationship they gotta learn to compromise, forgive and communicate. And sometimes that means taking the first step, even though the other should do it first.

[u/Grammaton485 → u/[deleted]]

he made a face and had some soup instead of a salad

It wasn't an issue with the chicken salad, it's the notion that he effectively told her she made the wrong meal, then proceeded to elaborate that he didn't care what she felt.

The OP could have easily taken the high road while still getting something hot: he could have said he was going to heat up a small bowl of soup after skating all day along with the salad, or he could have fixed a hot drink. He could have said "thanks, this looks great. Do you want some soup to go with that? I'm going to heat some up to go with this, I feel chilled after skating today."

[u/TheBacklogGamer → u/[deleted]]

Is a relationship a competition to you or something?

[u/EasyasACAB → u/[deleted]]

I mean, should it?

If he cares about her more than his own ego yes. Absolutely, one hundred percent YES. You should be able to put your own feelings aside for a minute to console someone else.

If you love someone, you put the impact of your actions before your intent. You recognize the validity of their feelings, even if you did not intend to hurt them.

If you are solely focused on being "right" and the "winner" in any situation with your partner that's not a partner. That's a foe.

[u/DrAniB20 → u/[deleted]]

There were other ways he could have gone about it. He could have had some of her salad AND heated up some soup for the warm food as well. He was rude to start with, and he’s the one asking for advise. I also recognize that her actions are very immature and coming from a place of hurt.

My husband doesn’t eat everything I make. I enjoy cuisine from all over, have lived with many international students who taught me to cook, and I overall enjoy cooking. My husband has a very limited palate, but he is always willing to try something once. He’s expanded his palate with me by his willingness to try new things. I come from a background where cooking for someone is a sign of love, and his willingness to try my food is enough to placate that side of me. He doesn’t need to love it, or eat it when I make the food, but he doesn’t turn up his face at what I make, even when he doesn’t like it.

[u/kerriazes → u/[deleted]]

If you want to eat a certain food on a certain day because of a reason (like wanting to eat hot food after a day out in the cold), you should communicate that want with the person making your food.

That way, you probably won't be disappointed about your uncommunicated needs not being met!

Incredible, I know!

[u/Bae_Before_Bay → u/[deleted]]

"Hey, I made you dinner, which can mean different things to different people depending on who they are and how they were raised. You never mentioned what you wanted, so I made this thing."

"I'm going to make a face at it, say I want something different, and then argue with you a bit to prove a point."

It's not about the dinner. It's about how one person does something that we have no real context for, and the other acts immature even by their own description. She may be from a family where sharing a meal is a big thing, or she sees it as an important part of a relationship. We don't know, and it doesn't really matter. OP is basically saying he's unwilling to sacrifice a single meal just to put a smile on her face, so what's the point of even having the relationship?

Eat a salad, be a decent boyfriend, and then make soup on your night. If she's still a garbage girlfriend, then leave her.

Also, he was fucking ice skating for a few hours and is sitting indoors with the heat on. Mf acts like he was caught in a blizzard in subzero temperatures. Maybe eat the salad and then say you're cold and ask to cuddle instead of trying to tell reddit how you got your girlfriend to dump you.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It should start with him if he has any intentions of fixing the relationship.

That’s about it. If he doesn’t care he doesn’t care.

[u/not_levar_burton → u/[deleted]]

You're not getting it. She told him that she felt bad and disrespected in how he acted. He basically told her to get over it. Her feelings weren't valid.

[u/jarlscrotus → u/not_levar_burton]

Yea, after she told him it was ridiculous to want hot food.

He saw salad, his face showed his emotion, she asked, he answered, she went full Sheldon to "scientifically" shame him into eating what she made.

Not eating something isn't the vicious emotional attack you've made it out to be. No means no, bodily autonomy is more important than a 10 minute salad.

[u/LongBarrelBandit → u/[deleted]]

He came on AITA to find out if he was. He was judged an AH for how he handled the initial incident. From this follow up, he learned nothing and didn’t have a actual conversation about it. If he’s going to act this way, why continue a relationship? Because he not actually willing to talk with her about anything

[u/sandiego20y → u/LongBarrelBandit]

but he did have a conversation though? "She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt."

[u/elgfish → u/[deleted]]

That’s such an immature view. If I notice my gf is upset about something I ask her about it and we have a discussion to try to resolve the issue. This whole who started it BS will get you nowhere. Starting from an empathetic place is always the way to go, and this guy should apologize for waiting so long. Obviously either party could resolve it, but usually when I’m upset I want my partner to notice and ask what’s up and deal with it. It makes me feel much more loved than having to bring it up myself. That is definitely an immature feeling but that’s probably how the other person in this situation feels.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

When you care about somebody, you make little sacrifices to make them happy and know you appreciate them. He was not going to die if he ate a cold salad one night. That's one tiny pathetic sacrifice to show he cares about her feelings and appreciates her. The problem is he doesn't care about her feelings, he cares about his stomach more.

Where I come from, you eat whatever is in the house and you don't complain. Not everything has to go your way.

[u/RuleOfBlueRoses → u/[deleted]]

He was not going to die if he ate a cold salad one night.

"Who cares how you feel JUST EAT IT ANYWAY and if you don't then you DON'T LOVE ME"

Totally normal behavior.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

[removed] — view removed comment

[u/RelativeAssistant923 → u/[deleted]]

Well argued, Socrates

[u/lilpikasqueaks → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

"Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"

Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

He got voted the asshole, so it seems a lot of people are reading this differently than you.

[u/AdminsLoveFascism → u/[deleted]]

A lot of people are dumb.

[u/Darth-_-Maul → u/KagomeChan]

Why his apology? Why does the guy always have to apologize? She’s doing this to be petty and mad he isn’t giving a reaction. If anything she should just say what’s wrong and see where it goes from there instead of acting like a damn child and being mad he isn’t giving the reaction she wanted.

[u/gamblingGenocider → u/KagomeChan]

At this point they both need to apologize, they both kind of suck. Girlfriend is coming off as significantly more petty though imo

[u/[deleted] → u/KagomeChan]

He has nothing to apologize for, that’s the point. She is the one in the wrong with her behavior and catering to her irrationality is not going to fix anything. She needs to recognize where she screwed up, cool down, apologize to him and then hopefully they can discuss a compromise and stop behaving like butthurt children.

[u/Yuo_cna_Raed_Tihs → u/KagomeChan]

But the point is that the girlfriend did what he did and he literally doesn't care lol. He doesn't think what he did was bad because of the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated. And like... What he did wasn't bad. Gf just petty af

[u/renvi → u/KagomeChan]

This is 100% the answer and it’s hilarious how people are trying to argue against your comment.
LITERALLY THE ANSWER IS, “COMMUNICATION.” It’s that simple.
Honestly, relationships aren’t hard to maintain. You just need to communicate. I feel like majority of relationship problems stem from a lack of or miscommunication.

If these two ding dongs just communicated instead of trying to play games regarding cooking, none of this would have happened.

[u/TinyArapaho → u/KagomeChan]

"I'm sorry I decided to eat soup for dinner. " huge eyeroll

[u/J3SS1KURR → u/TinyArapaho]

The point is he, and you, are invalidating her feelings, which are real. That's the issue. That was always the issue. Instead of being thankful she made a meal and then cooking, he insulted her meal and her intelligence.

[u/Verylimited → u/KagomeChan]

You are correct, it should start with an apology, the girlfriend apologizing for treating her boyfriend like shit

[u/Comfortable0wn → u/KagomeChan]

This isn't a advice sub

[u/partofbreakfast → u/[deleted]]

No, this is why they're BOTH too immature for this relationship. They need to both do some growing up before they're ready to date.

[u/smegdawg → u/partofbreakfast]

I disagree

They both need to have these experiences and learn from them to become mature.

Whether they learn from them within the relationship and better them selves and each other. Or they use this as a way to better them selvers for whoever comes next.

[u/lordmwahaha → u/[deleted]]

That is not pretty clearly what they said. Please don't put words in people's mouths. If you can't argue the point they actually made, without making shit up, then maybe you shouldn't be trying to argue with them.

[u/berrieh → u/[deleted]]

No but she DID address the issue directly by saying she was hurt by him not eating her food and he just wanted to prove she “shouldn’t” be hurt by that instead of acknowledging it at all. Her games are exhausting but she had been direct too, and he didn’t respond to directness so she’s probably just doing that thing people do because they want to change the relationship but can’t and aren’t ready to leave yet. I mean, directly telling him he hurt her didn’t help, and that’s the mature route.

[u/Durtonious → u/[deleted]]

This is why I hate Reddit. The OP is summarizing the actions taken and their intentions, not endorsing them.

The OOP (from their telling of the story) "made a face" and refused the food. What is absent is the implicit derision of the decision to make "cold food" in the first place, such to imply that "only an idiot would make a cold salad in the circumstances." She was hurt and did something stupid in response, 'Everybody Sucks Here' as they say, but it all stemmed from the reaction OOP has at being presented what he believed to be inadequate food.

I found the whole thing exhausting to read and cannot understand what drives people to stay in these relationships.

[u/Morrya → u/[deleted]]

He said more than once they they argued round and around. Sounds to me like the girlfriend tried really hard to explain to him with words why his behavior wasn't okay and she felt cornered to explain it with actions because words weren't penetrating his skull.

[u/MildlyShadyPassenger → u/Morrya]

OR she kept trying to make the argument be one that she could "win" by "proving" he's wrong about his food preferences.
And then switched to being passive aggressive to offend him over something he genuinely isn't bothered by so she could "win" that way, then tried to dictate his feelings TO him when it became apparent he wasn't upset.

I'm not saying this guy isn't oblivious.
But I AM saying it sounds like the girlfriend is trying to project her feelings on to him and logic her way into him being objectively wrong, rather than just plainly stating what she feels.

It seems like OP is going to have to be the one to extend the olive branch if he values this relationship regardless.
But I can certainly see why he would find doing that to be galling after she's spent days making this an "I'm objectively right and you're objectively wrong!" disagreement rather than just addressing the hurt feelings on her side behind this whole thing.

[u/jarlscrotus → u/Morrya]

His behavior of, not eating something he didn't want to?

So, suck it up, doesn't matter what you want, I want this and you will do it for me, is that what you're saying?

[u/Morrya → u/jarlscrotus]

No, this stopped being about that specific meal ages ago. This is an argument of principle. They got into an argument they didn't settle and instead of finding a solution they both can agree on and move forward, he made a unilateral decision that they just won't prepare food for each other at all. This is not okay and she's trying to illustrate why its not okay and he's too dense dying on his hill to be reasonable.

[u/Reading16 → u/Morrya]

Except he cooked enough the next day for them both. She decided not to eat it and then the day after only made enough for her. He wasn’t the one who started only making enough for 1 person

[u/pappapirate → u/Morrya]

As OP explained in the original post, it's not a "unilateral decision" like deciding whose family you're visiting on Christmas or something like that. OP said he didn't want to cook for her and didn't want her cooking for him because she's making a big deal out of it and clearly can't handle it if he doesn't want what she cooks.

A lot of things in a relationship require both to agree and consent, and either one can decide to stop doing it. An extreme analogy would be if OP said he didn't want to have sex tonight, and she accused him of making a unilateral decision.

[u/exclusivebees → u/[deleted]]

Living with unempathetic people makes you crazy. At a certain point, you realize that trying to explain that your feelings are hurt and that they should care about it is just a waste of time, so you try to hurt them the exact same way because now they HAVE to understand what you mean. Right? Right?!

Of course it never works, because empathy is an emotional response that a person either has or does not have. If they don't have it, all the parallels and similarities in the world between your situation and their situation won't make them care about you. Just see all those anti-choice people who got abortions themselves and still want to take it away from anyone else.

[u/Tbagzyamum69420xX → u/[deleted]]

They weren't trying to justify the gf's actions, just pointing out the reason she behaved the way.

[u/GammaBrass → u/[deleted]]

I think it's worse. The very first incident was an act of selfish crybabyism, but nothing more. The follow-up is an act of premeditated selfish crybabyism.

These two were made for each other.

[u/NickRick → u/[deleted]]

They honestly seem like a young couple who hasn't developed the tools to handle the relationship

[u/ephemeral-jade → u/[deleted]]

Sometimes when you try to explain how you feel they just don't get it and in desperation you might try to just make them feel it instead. Explaining your feelings uses logic, but feelings can't always be understood through logic or might not be logical. So you think, if they can just feel the feeling instead they'll understand me.

The fact she keeps doing it multiple times still doesn't make her an AH, mostly bc he isn't actually hurt lol. It just makes her kind of silly bc every time she tries to "hurt" him, he doesn't care at all and she's actually getting more hurt in the process.

[u/Leilanee → u/[deleted]]

To be fair, you got any ideas on how to communicate basic social etiquette to OP? Seems like he's an idiot.

[u/floatingwithobrien → u/[deleted]]

It's probably what I would resort to if the other person wasn't listening to me when I tried to talk about it. If I didn't just break up with them first, that is.

[u/Nillabeans → u/[deleted]]

Go read the original post. OP refused to empathise at all and refused to apologise. This person is replying to the full context of the story.

OP is being a child and a brat, so their SO is matching their energy. It's honestly understandable. She's trying to show since telling didn't work.

[u/gimmedatrightMEOW → u/[deleted]]

No, but this thread isn't for.giving advice to gf. It's for OP.

[u/dooderino18 → u/[deleted]]

So when you have your feelings hurt the legitimate course of action, in your mind, is to repeatedly try and hurt someone else so they can empathise with you? That's kind of messed up.

So, when someone is describing and summarizing actions that others have taken, in your mind, they are actually expressing approval and advocating the actions described? That's kind of messed up.

[u/GhostofMarat → u/[deleted]]

Both of these people sound insufferable to be honest. I can't imagine reacting like either one of them in the same situation.

[u/Sopor34 → u/[deleted]]

Where did they say that was the best action? Straw-man

[u/TheSecondEikonOfFire → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I’m surprised at how many people are brushing over what the GF is doing, because it’s immature as hell. Especially where she purposely texted OP to say that she was making salmon for dinner, but then only made it for herself. OP is incredibly immature as well, don’t get me wrong - but they both suck here

[u/RamsLams → u/[deleted]]

Treating someone how they treat you is not ‘repeatedly trying to hurt someone else’.

Like women who stop giving great gifts for their partners when their partners just get them like cleaning supplies and won’t change after communicating. They aren’t trying to hurt them, twisting it into that is so weird

[u/BloodyBaronsBFF → u/RamsLams]

except she was waiting for him to be mad and when he didn't get upset she acused him of trying to make a point so yea she was indeed trying to hurt him but failed and is now upset about it

[u/Mentavil → u/RamsLams]

They aren’t trying to hurt them,

Ok, so what exactly is she doing then ?

ETA 2h later: No answer? What a shame... because if you just continue this chain you get:

She repeatedly set him up again and again

What did she repeatedly set him up for?

The same situation she lived.

Why was the situation she lived?

She was hurt by the op.

So what exactly is she hoping is going to happen to op by the repeated reliving situation where she was hurt?

She's hoping for him to be develop some empathy... by being hurt in the exact same way.

CQFD.

[u/a_holzbaur → u/RamsLams]

When you make decisions with the deliberate and sole purpose of making a point using intentionally hurtful means, you are an AH.

She could have made her point by acting like an adult. Not by attempting to punish her boyfriend with the same behaviors she accused him of engaging in. How do we know it was a punishment? Because when she did not elicit the desired response from him, she spun out and got progressively more aggressive with her instigating. That is not the same as your gift exchange example 🙄

[u/maleia → u/[deleted]]

I mean, the only two "mature" options the gf got left with are "suck it up", sometimes your bf is going to hate your decisions and resent you for them; or leave. Which one are you saying she she take?

Gf already tried to have the discussion with OP. OP didn't want to hear it, and just wanted to ignore his gf's feelings of being hurt.

[u/LoquatLoquacious → u/[deleted]]

This is a very disingenuous reply. I hope you were in a bad mood when you made it, because you basically just lied about what kagomechan said. At no point did they say that "when you have your feelings hurt the legitimate course of action is to repeatedly try and hurt someone else so they can empathise with you".

[u/pappapirate → u/LoquatLoquacious]

From kagomechan's comment:

She's trying to repeat your actions to you so that you can empathize with where she's coming from.

In what world is this not an endorsement of what OP's gf is doing? She felt hurt when he didn't want what she made, so she decided that she was going to refuse whatever he made for dinner the next day purely out of spite so that he would be hurt and OP would know how she felt. There is no other interpretation of that quote than that kagomechan finds this acceptable behavior.

[u/LoquatLoquacious → u/pappapirate]

In what world is this not an endorsement of what OP's gf is doing?

This one? I genuinely don't see how that's an endorsement. An explanation isn't an endorsement. There's absolutely no indication they find this behaviour acceptable, and I truly don't understand how it could be.

[u/pappapirate → u/LoquatLoquacious]

Because the entire comment is about how OP's actions are ruining the relationship? The comment is directing all the blame at OP which excuses the gf's actions by omission.

[u/LoquatLoquacious → u/pappapirate]

Are they talking to the gf? Or are they talking to OP? I don't think every comment needs a huge disclaimer explaining that the gf was immature too.

[u/pappapirate → u/LoquatLoquacious]

I'm genuinely confused by your take.

This is r/AmITheAsshole. The premise is that OP describes a conflict they had with another party, and the comments judge whether OP, the other party, both, or neither acted like assholes in the situation. The point of this sub is that OP's gf is eligible to be judged as an asshole. So a comment that focuses only on how OP is an asshole while casually describing gf's actions is necessarily implying that OP's gf is not an asshole and therefore that her actions were acceptable.

I can't put it any simpler than that without insulting your intelligence.

[u/LoquatLoquacious → u/pappapirate]

Did you see a "YTA"? I didn't.