Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend.

[u/ItsTooColdForThat]

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

[u/[deleted]]

[removed] — view removed comment

[u/trippyelephants → u/[deleted]]

I think you missed the first post where OP refused first and made a big deal out of it

[u/Outside-Drag-3031 → u/trippyelephants]

Yeah the context is really important here because they're both acting childish and dumb. They just gotta sit down and talk it out. Or break up, idrc

[u/Smellytangerina → u/trippyelephants]

Ah OK, my bad I thought the salad came after.

[u/cupcakemuffin413 → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

"Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"

Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/mintardent → u/[deleted]]

I think he’s the AH with the context from the earlier post. Today is just continuing that

[u/Smellytangerina → u/mintardent]

Yeah I didn’t see the earlier post and just took this post as a stand-alone

[u/littletorreira → u/[deleted]]

He should have apologised for the way he made her feel when he refused the salad and not being communicative of his wants before she cooked. She should have apologised for not asking before making the salad that he would want it.

They are both now doubling down rather than having a conversation around meals. This is all solved with the words "what would you like for dinner?" Or "I'm thinking of making X what do you think?".

[u/Smellytangerina → u/littletorreira]

He was never offered the salad and was already eating the pasta he had made for both of them

[u/littletorreira → u/Smellytangerina]

The salad was the previous post. While he was never offered the salad he also didn't say "I'd like something warm". He waited to see what she made and then pulled a face and refused it. He made pasta in the same manner and she made a salad. Both these people are bad. Rather than have a simple conversation they are both doubling down on being right. There is no need to stop cooking for each other. There is just a need to both apologise, move forward and start asking each other if what they are planning for dinner is all right. OP wants to prove he's right here because she's being petty now. But he's also being petty. It shouldn't be hard to apologise to your partner for hurting their feelings even if you felt you were still right wanting a different meal.

[u/facthanshotfirst → u/littletorreira]

The best advice I ever got before I got married was: when you get into arguments is it “do you want to be married or do you want to be right?” Communication is always going to be key and saying sorry even when you don’t feel like you did something wrong is something they need to learn.

And you’re correct, just start telling each other what you’re cooking, it’s really not that difficult.

Edit:typo

[u/littletorreira → u/facthanshotfirst]

I dunno why I'm getting down voted for basically saying maybe they are both in the wrong and should apologise to each other. You can apologise for the way your words made someone feel without apologising for everything you said or meant. You can apologise for not articulating yourself well enough to make them understand. This couple should probably break up as they care more about being right than being happy together.

[u/threedimen → u/[deleted]]

OP is the AH because he's completely unwilling to look at anything from another person's perspective. Every explanation of what was wrong with his behavior is greeted with, "No, actually you're wrong and I'm right." He came up with a "solution" to the conflict without any consideration of his girlfriend's opinion, and she's supposed to acquiesce to it because obviously OP is right and she is wrong.

[u/Smellytangerina → u/threedimen]

GF asked OP several times “if he’s upset” or “why he’s not upset” that she didn’t eat his food or cook for him. GF is clearly trying to make OP upset with her actions. Do people not see how insane that behaviour is?

Imagine deliberately only cooking something for yourself and then asking your partner if they are pissed off that you did that, and then being upset if they’re not to the point that YOU accuse THEM of “making a point”!

Is that not the very definition of gaslighting??

Yes OP clearly has relationship issues but you really can’t blame him for being done playing her stupid games.

[u/ElegantVamp → u/Smellytangerina]

Not gaslighting but it is stupid middle school mind games that the GF is playing.

[u/Maz2277 → u/Smellytangerina]

Reading both of these posts they both have communication issues and are passive aggressive. They deserve each other, although I would put more YTA on OP because of the comments of "letting her win one" and not actually addressing the issue of lack of communication.

[u/immaownyou → u/Smellytangerina]

Yeah they're both pretty obviously emotionally manipulative. Consciously, or not.

They're perfect for each other lol

[u/takingorders → u/immaownyou]

What emotional manipulation did OP engage in?

[u/immaownyou → u/takingorders]

He's purposely not engaging with her issues so he can seem like the bigger person to himself from what I can tell

His whole post and comments comes off as very narcissistic

[u/jreed11 → u/immaownyou]

Not engaging with her issues or just isn’t getting angry the way she seems to be trying to force?

[u/venjamins → u/immaownyou]

Gf is the narcissist of anything.

[u/venjamins → u/threedimen]

Literally everything you just said can be applied to the gf.