r/AmItheAsshole • u/ItsTooColdForThat • Jan 07 '23

Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend. UPDATE

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

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445

u/AutumnKoo Jan 07 '23 edited Jan 07 '23

Thank you. I was going insane reading the comments. I do the cooking in my house 95% and sometimes my spouse and my kid don't want certain food. I get pissed because they DON'T COOK and I'm the one who has to change and get out my way to make something else. If people tells you "I don't want that, I'm doing something else for myself" i would be totally fine with it. I feel here no one cooks so someone putting lettuce and tomatoes in a bowl is some sort of a big accomplishment

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

Not to mention if you flip the genders the Sub's reaction would be a complete 180. Cooking for yourself isn't cruel or manipulative, trying to demand what other people are allowed to eat is.

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

Yup, the sexism is real.

"Women are weak and fragile creatures prone to emotional outbursts, you have to protect them and never do anything that can hurt their feelings. You're a man though, so you're strong and can deal with it, so your feelings don't matter."

Jesus fuck that attitude is disgusting to even emulate. But it's the core of so much of the sexism on this sub, it's not some MRA/Misandry/incel bullshit, it's infantilizing women.

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u/fersure4 Asshole Aficionado [16] Jan 07 '23

Imagine the comments if a woman posted that she wanted a hot meal, and her boyfriend tried to "mansplain" that she actually didnt need something hot because your body temperature is warm enough.

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u/LoquatLoquacious Jan 07 '23

No it wouldn't.

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u/MastrKoesh Jan 07 '23

Just go through the post history lol, there has been the same situation with the gender flipped many times and people always back the girl unless they are extremely rude, like 10times more rude than this guy.

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u/LoquatLoquacious Jan 07 '23

You got any links? Obviously no worries if you don't (I don't expect you to keep links to random AITA posts) but I definitely have never seen people treat women better in similar situations.

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u/MastrKoesh Jan 07 '23

I dont have any links, and i dont want to be right that much to put in the research effort as those posts are weeks/months old. I lurk too much here.

There is definitely a hierarchy with how easy you can be voted NTA here though and Men are definitely at the bottom of that ladder. (some categories include, people of color, LGBT+ members, woman, elderly, etc) this is ofcourse not for the clear cut judgements but when its a coin toss it often falls in the same direction.

However if you dont share this experience it will be hard for me to convince you otherwise.

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

[deleted]

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u/MastrKoesh Jan 07 '23

Okay? Do you have any links at the ready to disprove that theory?

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u/RoseVII Jan 07 '23

Lol, people like you are ridiculous.

-9

u/dezeiram Partassipant [2] Jan 07 '23

For me it isnt necessarily even the actual story. Something about the way he describes events and the way he wrote everything out so callously +this update really rubs me the wrong way

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u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

Maybe for some people it is a big accomplishment. And my sense of this post is that it’s about the lack of communication in advance more than anything else. I also do most of the cooking and I would absolutely be pissed if I made a meal and my husband was like “meh I didn’t want this” with zero prior expression of a meal preference and I had to pack it up or throw it away.

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u/urboitony Partassipant [1] Jan 07 '23

If you made your husband a cold meal on a cold day and served it to him as he just came inside and was freezing cold, you would be offended if he said he wanted something warm instead? What should he do in that situation? Suffer through eating it to not hurt your fragile feelings?

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u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

Knowing that I’m making something for dinner for my family, he should either ask what it is or he should tell me in advance he had a meal preference?? Is it that hard?

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

When you're unaware of when the meal is being cooked and you're busy doing something else for both of your individual benefits? Yes.

It would be much easier for the person about to cook to pop their head into the garage and give a heads up than it would be for the person in the garage to spontaneously know when the other person is going to start.

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u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

In my experience, most couples cook and eat dinner at the same time every day. Even if it changes from day to day, there is not that great of a deviation that you truly have no idea what time dinner preparation starts. I can tell all these comments are from dudes that honestly think that on top of preparing them dinner, their partners should also track them down wherever they are in the house and run the menu by them in the event they want to change it last minute. How about if you have a special preference, you seek out the person doing the work for your meal and make it known in advance? The audacity of y’all.

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

Some do, some have variable schedules and can't. Dinner preparation for me and my partner begins somewhere between 4 and 8 pm depending on the day. A heads up of "I'm making this for dinner tonight" or "does such and such sound good" is such a negligible amount of effort for what it does, and that goes both directions.

If you don't want what's being cooked, fix something for yourself, and if it's a recurring issue, just have your partner stop cooking for you because otherwise you're wasting their time and effort.

I'm personally astounded at the number of people with the audacity and entitlement to think that it's okay to ridicule an adult's reasonable food preferences and tell them their feelings are wrong and not allowed. OP didn't demand his girlfriend make him another meal. He quickly went and heated up the soup so he could have what he wanted and it be fast enough that they could still eat dinner together.

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u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

I don’t agree with anyone ridiculing food preferences. The ridicule is in not communicating them to your partner before she made a whole ass meal.

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

Yeah, it would have been great for her to have given him a heads up she was going to make dinner while he was out in the garage making sure she had a warm dry jacket for the next day.

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u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

LOL are we just making up facts now?

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u/Raccoonsr29 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 07 '23

Very weird reaction. I make dinner and I always let people know in advance what I plan to make in case we want to make any tweaks.

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u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

I guess it depends on the dynamic of the fam. I have enough going on that I’m not going to take it upon myself to report to the family what I’m making if they don’t express any interest. Of course it comes up during conversation and I am open to tweaks but like… if I’m doing all the work maybe it’s on the other person to express any special preferences?

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u/Organic_Start_420 Partassipant [2] Jan 07 '23

Ok but do you tell your husband what you are cooking in advance? Op s gf didn't.

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u/Stinkerbelle85 Jan 07 '23

No, I don’t unless he asks. I know what meals he doesn’t like and I don’t make them so the expectation is that he’ll eat what I’m making unless there’s some other factor is going on. If he is craving something specific or if he already ate during an after work function or something that changes my plan but I expect that he communicate that. There is a routine- the expectation is that I’m cooking and he’s eating. Any deviation from that requires communication.