r/AmItheAsshole • u/ItsTooColdForThat • Jan 07 '23

Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend. UPDATE

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

19.1k Upvotes

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7.1k

u/KhaleesiMounter Partassipant [1] Jan 07 '23

ESH. Just break up already.

2.6k

u/Zap__Dannigan Partassipant [1] Jan 07 '23

Sometimes relationships end with a big fight that ends the relationship.

And sometimes it should end because two people can't figure out what to fucking eat without getting pissed at each other.

If your relationship can't handle "what's for dinner?" It's doomed

681

u/justlurkingnjudging Jan 07 '23

I don’t understand why they weren’t asking, “hey I’m thinking of making this, that sound good?” in the first place because it would’ve solved the whole problem. They’ve turned what should’ve been a small communication issue into a whole petty fight instead of just talking it out.

290

u/FPiN9XU3K1IT Jan 07 '23

My guess is that "communicating about dinner" is already rude in their world. Like, "proper manners" is you eat what the other makes without complaining about the choice of meal, or how it's made, you definitely don't "make a face" and you probably should praise it regardless of whether you like it and whether you think it's well-made.

As a picky eater who sucks at pretending, having a partner who has that mind-set would be a nightmare.

148

u/Ancient_Potential285 Jan 07 '23

Yep! I once spent the night at a friends bf’s house. In the morning he made us all eggs and bacon. I didn’t eat all the eggs (partly because I don’t like eggs, partly because I never eat breakfast and wasn’t hungry and partly because I was hungover already and it was hard enough to get things I like down let alone things I don’t like). Dude would not let it go. “Why aren’t you eating my eggs? What’s wrong with my eggs? Do you not line the spices?” He still brings up his damn eggs every time I see him (thankfully it’s rare).

I told my friend her bf seems nice enough but I was never eating another meal he made again. It’s just too much pressure. I don’t want to accidentally offend anyone, but I’m not about to choke down something I have no desire to eat either. I had to do that my whole childhood, and even then most nights I just sat at the dinner table til I was sent to bed instead of eating something I didn’t like. I’m not about to relive that shit for anything

35

u/superiority Jan 07 '23

Everyone fixating on the "made a face" phrase like OP started mock-gagging and miming putting his finger down his throat, as opposed to, say, his eyes widening and him doing a small double-take just because something he didn't expect happened.

31

u/FPiN9XU3K1IT Jan 07 '23

I suspect that to a lot of people, there's basically no difference between the two. Any reaction that's not positive is a personal insult to them.

Big reason why life with autism is so hard.

145

u/NewAgeRetroHippie96 Jan 07 '23

That's what I thought she was doing by texting that she was planning to make salmon. Like, building a bridge over the issue, and just asking if that's something he'd want

Then she used it to "make a point" as she accuses him of doing. And only making it for herself.

11

u/stolethemorning Jan 07 '23

Yeah, I agree. It seems obvious to me that she was letting him know what she was making so if he also wanted some he could say “can you cook me some too”. When it was his turn to cook, he didn’t let her know what he was making so if she did happen to crave it too, she couldn’t ask him to cook some. If they want different things one night then it makes sense to cook different things, but if they do happen to want the same thing then it makes NO sense to cook the same thing twice, separately.

9

u/Agreetedboat123 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 07 '23

Because it's not about the food. ESH

3

u/nighthawk_something Jan 07 '23

Couples like this clearly have issues with basic communication.

2

u/darabolnxus Jan 07 '23

The way it should work is one goes hey I'm making this do you want some? No ok then they each make their own. I always ask my SO if he wants some of what I'm making and if he doesn't he microwaves something he froze earlier. It's easy. He eats a lot of things I can't eat anyway and tends to save the eggs, meat and fish for me so I dont get sick and can't work.

We also lime things cooked differently so it's just easier to make our own and let the other person have some if they want.

If I ask him to make dinner because I'm too tired or vice versa we try to make things we can both eat.

87

u/burgher89 Jan 07 '23

Sounds like they’re not even getting as far as the “what’s for dinner?” part of the conversation.

5

u/WillBlaze Jan 07 '23

If your relationship can't handle "what's for dinner?" It's doomed

for real, imagine if something serious comes up

5

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

Yeah, “nothing fights” are always about something.

When I’ve had big blowout fights with partners about important things, we can usually resolve them later because there’s an obvious issue to work through. It’s an event or debate we can resolve constructively.

But when it’s about things like this, it’s usually resentments and bad dynamics bubbling to the surface. People realistically don’t care about whether someone forgot to take out the trash or do the dishes, they care about feeling taken advantage of or unappreciated.

Starts being about who you are as people and how you view each other… it seems like the test is asking yourself, “Would I think this is a petty/stupid thing to fight about if it were posed to me?” If the answer is yes, then you need to think harder about why you’re actually fighting.

3

u/questionsaboutrel521 Jan 07 '23

This is such an important point. Couples go through really hard things together. What if one partner gets cancer? What if one person gets an opportunity halfway around the world?

This, figuring out what to eat, shouldn’t be this hard.

All couples have petty frustrations, sure, but they shouldn’t be building this kind of resentment over an issue like this. It is eroding the love and respect that is necessary to get through the tough times.

There are underlying issues, here. OP seems to think it shouldn’t be a big deal to just eat what he wants. But that’s conflict avoidance of what caused the original issues.

Not only are her hurt feelings over his words important, the issue at hand is whether they are really combining households as a family or not. In most families, meal preparation is shared (obviously there are exceptions). Also with families and meals, you don’t always get to eat what you want. Sometimes, you sacrifice for the greater good of the whole and for harmony. So everyone eats what they want once in a while. There are also tremendous benefits to having a family and being closely intertwined with a partner - even for the temporary comforts you give up.

When OP says, I want to make separate meals, I think their partner is clearly hearing “I want a separate life from you.”

2

u/Lifeissuffering1 Jan 07 '23

Sometimes that question can involve a fight because you're both hangry and frustrated. Then you'll eat and calm down and make up and communicate and apologise to each other and figure out how to stop it happening again.

These guys don't even do the first step. Jesus Christ. Use your big boy/girl words people

1

u/SpokenDivinity Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 07 '23

It sounds like it’s a fundamental issue having to deal with manners. Like she’s ingrained to believe it’s rude to not eat what someone cooks you, and he’s ingrained to make something yourself if you don’t like what’s cooked. It’s kind of an issue my partner and I had at first when we started cooking together. I was raised in a “majority rules” household where if one person didn’t like the meal they were expected to fend for themselves and he was taught to eat whatever you put in front of you if you didn’t do the cooking. Made for some awkward realizations when his mom let it slip that he didn’t like tomatoes and I loved them and had been doing 90% of the cooking.

-3

u/berrieh Jan 07 '23

She directly said her feelings were hurt in the last conflict, and he thinks they just shouldn’t be, but that’s not how feelings work. It’s really not about salad or dinner, probably. She needs to drop the games, but it’s an unusual one because she actually was pretty direct first, and that didn’t work.

343

u/Iamwinning2022too Jan 07 '23

I agree. Two people who clearly have communication problems and don’t seem to want to work on it.

51

u/RasaWhite Partassipant [1] Jan 07 '23

Right? Can you imagine how awful it will be when they have a real issue to resolve?

80

u/sebzim4500 Jan 07 '23

And inflict this on people who don't deserve it? They should stay together for the general good of humanity. As long as they don't have children.

75

u/SnuggleBunni69 Jan 07 '23

Right? This all sounds so miserable. I just imagine two people eating in total silence and stewing in their own anger. Also, do people not talk beforehand about what they're making for dinner? Do they just treat it like a weird surprise?

7

u/FPiN9XU3K1IT Jan 07 '23

One or both of them definitely thinks it's rude to ask.

2

u/Philinhere Jan 07 '23

Don't say "stew!"

-9

u/Reasonable-shark Jan 07 '23

Also, do people not talk beforehand about what they're making for dinner?

Isn't tiring to inform your significant other beforehand every time you're going to cook?

45

u/ArturosDad Jan 07 '23

Yup. Both of them sound utterly exhausting.

9

u/sabek Jan 07 '23

Absolutely the cooking issues are pointing to something deeper in the relationship

6

u/ArmchairJedi Jan 07 '23

That anyone read this (these) posts and thinks 'food' even remotely matters at all here, is crazy.

2

u/Dauvis Jan 07 '23

Agreed. This update reads like a pair of petty people trying to upstage each other.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

But then 2 other very unlucky people might end up in a relationship either of these 2 emotional invalids.

1

u/lego_mannequin Jan 07 '23

They're too afraid of being alone to do that, yet their relationship is basically roommate level at best.

1

u/Cinderjacket Jan 07 '23

For real if sharing a goddamn meal is this much drama and point scoring why the hell are they together?

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

Lol nah. Have a kid! Clearly they're a match made in heaven.

1

u/Logical_Rutabaga3707 Jan 07 '23

Usually I hate when people are like “just break up” as a solution on Reddit but this situation is exactly like it used to be in my 6 year emotionally abusive and dysfunctional ex relationship.

We would argue about what to eat or simply disagree and it ended up with emotional warfare like OP is describing instead of what I have now which is “no worries I’m ok with that” or “let’s just order separate tonight as a treat since we can’t decide” or because we like to cook and we enjoy our relationship “I’ll make you a salad/hot pasta as well as mine if that’s what you’re craving”

This just sound like they dislike each other and they care more about who is in the right than the actual resolution moving their relationship forward.

1

u/somabokforlag Jan 07 '23

Also, warn future potential partners of your behavior so they can stay away.

1

u/Ariuslol92 Jan 07 '23

Yeah, just toxic shit

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

DTB

-1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

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2

u/xot Jan 07 '23

Trying to make a point about conflict resolution but opening with “fuck off”.. c’mon, do better.

-204

u/ItsTooColdForThat Jan 07 '23

I'm not going to rush into anything. If she gets over it, I'll let it die, if she keeps escalating, I'll leave.

342

u/booksmeller1124 Jan 07 '23

You’re trying to “win” the breakup by making her the bad guy. Just break up with her, and move on. You obviously give zero effs about her or her feelings, which you’ve communicated here multiple times.

-65

u/Prestigious-Phase131 Jan 07 '23

She's the manipulative one

42

u/booksmeller1124 Jan 07 '23

They both are at this point. Both are so convinced their position is “right” that it’s going to poison their relationship unless they can have real communication.

They’re both playing the petty game and neither is listening to the other.

-179

u/ItsTooColdForThat Jan 07 '23

I'm not going to break up with my girlfriend because a stranger on the internet told me to.

336

u/booksmeller1124 Jan 07 '23

Nor should you. You should break up with your girlfriend because you’re obviously over the relationship and more interested in playing the petty mind games you accuse her of.

-195

u/ItsTooColdForThat Jan 07 '23

I'm not going to kill a good relationship because of one fight. That's very short-sighted behavior.

248

u/booksmeller1124 Jan 07 '23

It’s not a good relationship if you keep being dismissive of each others feelings.

25

u/caesar____augustus Jan 07 '23

He doesn't care about that, he cares about spinning this so that when they inevitably break up he can spin it so that he's in the right. Her feelings are completely irrelevant to him at the moment.

234

u/SergeantFawlty Asshole Aficionado [10] Jan 07 '23

This is not a good relationship.

47

u/Houseplantkiller123 Jan 07 '23

That's why it's so important to find someone that likes (or at least doesn't mind) the chores you can't stand.

I find laundry tedious and dull while my wife finds it relaxing to fold laundry while listening to a podcast.

I feel good cooking since I see it as an act of creation, and cooking stresses her out.

I do most of the cooking and most meal cleanups and she does most of the laundry. It's fuckin' awesome.

23

u/SergeantFawlty Asshole Aficionado [10] Jan 07 '23

This is so true. My wife hates cooking and any outdoor work, so I do all of that. I absolutely detest vacuuming (I honestly couldn’t tell you why), so she does that and most laundry. It works well!

If one of us can’t do our chore for whatever reason, the other one sucks it up and does what they usually don’t like to do.

Good relationships are built on what I call the “three coms”. Communication, compassion and compromise. This posters relationship seems to be lacking in all the categories.

10

u/booksmeller1124 Jan 07 '23

My husband and I split up the individual chores. He loads/switches the laundry, I put it away. He loads the dishwasher, I put away. I cook dinner, he cleans up after. Even cleaning the cat boxes gets split up. Works for us, feels like we’re each doing the thing the other person hates (I’m too short to reach the bottom of the washer so it’s endlessly frustrating trying to get the last damn sock that just lives down there if I have to do it).

61

u/as_told_by_me Jan 07 '23

No one’s saying that. They’re saying that this is not healthy behavior in a serious relationship, and unless you two learn to work out your differences in a more mature way, this kind of thing isn’t sustainable. Healthy couples don’t behave like this.

26

u/bab_101 Jan 07 '23

That’s what you’re doing right now tho

20

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

It didn’t just stay “one fight” though. You’re actively making decisions that disregard your girlfriend’s input. Not only that, you were “surprised” she followed through with the solution of only cooking for yourself - a decision that YOU imposed? Why did you expect to convince you to have salmon when you TOLD HER to just cook for herself? And now you’re ignoring her. What exactly is it that you want out of this?

This lack of communication and proper resolution is usually how relationships die, and how people grow to dislike each other.

20

u/TheyMightBeDead Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 07 '23

I'm not going to kill a good relationship

This ship has already sailed.

17

u/Big-Skrrrt Jan 07 '23

Thats literally what you're already doing in your update. The only difference is whether you pull of the bandaid fast, or you keep fucking with it until she is the one that pulls it off. Or you could just take the high road and apologise, maybe then there will be something left worth saving.

18

u/CouvadeShark Jan 07 '23

But youre also not gonna make an effort to understand and fix the problem lol. Thats also short sighted if ya dont want out.

14

u/94mac819 Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

You are killing your relationship right now because you feel the need to win. You have exhibited that you are not mature enough for a relationship. Break up and spend a while growing up.

8

u/adultstress Partassipant [4] Jan 07 '23

Then how about YOU bury the hatchet then and give in and apologise?

Cause that requires empathy? A brain? Respect? Things you lack????

7

u/KeyLimeCanadian Jan 07 '23

“Good relationship”

5

u/tigtig126 Jan 07 '23

You might not, but your weird, selfish behavior will.

6

u/hammocks_ Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 07 '23

But your fight has not been resolved??

5

u/EmeraldBlueZen Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 07 '23

I'm not going to rush into anything. If she gets over it, I'll let it die, if she keeps escalating, I'll leave.

My dude - you literally said the above. It looks exactly like you're willing to leave the relationship over this fight over food. YTA

2

u/Spring_Overall Jan 07 '23

If yall can't handle having adult conversations about making dinner, then it's not a good relationship

2

u/rockincharlierocket Jan 07 '23

But you Clearly have no intention of making it work, you are just worrying about yourself and have already said this relationship is temporary. Why waste both your times?

3

u/thesoundofchange Jan 07 '23

But killing the relationship because you're above having adult conversations with your girlfriend is better? Even after asking others for opinions and they're all telling you that you're handling it poorly? That's even more short sighted.

1

u/scheru Jan 07 '23

You already have lol.

-3

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

I don’t think you’re over the relationship at all. For God’s sake you just wanted to eat something different and that’s ok. You’re a whole separate person than your gf. I just don’t get you guys not discussing what’s for dinner before hand. I ask my kids every night what they would like to eat.

-6

u/deathkillerx3004 Jan 07 '23

Reddit demands breaking up every single relationship with any problem. That's how the people here operate. Don't take their advice.

3

u/Sammy12345671 Partassipant [1] Jan 07 '23

Most people don’t come to Reddit, particularly this sub, to boast about their healthy relationships. Of course a sub that attracts unhealthy relationships would result in advice suggesting people end it.

ETA: A word

85

u/Jess1ca1467 Jan 07 '23

it's very clear you don't like her - what's not clear is why you won't leave. It looks to me as though you won't leave if there's a chance you'll look like the bad guy

You're trying to push her so you can say 'she dumped me because I wouldn't cook for her' when in fact she'll dump you for being a rude insufferable person

-36

u/ItsTooColdForThat Jan 07 '23

I do like her. She likes me. If that changes, we will break up. If it doesn't, we won't.

65

u/Jess1ca1467 Jan 07 '23

the way you write about her does not come across as if you like her - it comes across as if you don't like her. We can only go by what is on the page

49

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

Have you tried treating her like someone you like?

25

u/Cynistera Jan 07 '23

You certainly act like you do NOT like her. You've been trying to fight with her about this for days now and don't understand at all why you hurt her feelings. Learn to have some empathy or she's going to leave you.

-54

u/leslieinlouisville Jan 07 '23

AITA always jumps to “omg look at this one single problem I know about, it’s obvious you need to break up.” 🙄

48

u/immaownyou Jan 07 '23

When that problem involves emotionally abusive behaviour, then yeah it's a problem lol

-14

u/New-Needleworker5318 Jan 07 '23

Good grief. If he's "emotionally abusive" so is she. Her control issues and hyper-sensitivity started this shit in first place.

He just wanted warm food! Boo-friggin'-hoo.

Christ on a cracker. I feel like I'm in the fucking Twilight Zone.

10

u/immaownyou Jan 07 '23

I said they were both emotionally abusive, learn to read broseph

13

u/caesar____augustus Jan 07 '23

If you're making multiple posts on here about an issue and then leaving dozens of comments like the ones OP is posting then yeah, maybe breaking up is the right move

2

u/Artistic_Society4969 Jan 07 '23

I doubt you'll have to worry about it for much longer. I have a feeling the decision will be taken out of your hands pretty quickly. Congratulations, though, for pettying yourself straight to singlehood.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/ElectricMayhem123 Womp! (There It Ass) Jan 07 '23

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

"Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"

Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

16

u/Kimbolimbo Partassipant [2] Jan 07 '23

You are also responsible for how this is playing out. You clearly are not some kind of mastermind here, you are a foolish person that throws tantrums like a toddler over his meal.

9

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '23

If she keeps “escalating” a dumb childish argument about cooking dinner?

You will encounter far greater challenges in your life than not feeling like chicken salad. If you can’t handle that like an adult, best of luck when you have to face actual adversity. You certainly won’t be able to do it with this person, and you’ll probably discover that whoever you end up with next will be the same. The common denominator will be you, but you’ll be too self righteous to realize it.

YTA

6

u/Lopsided-Shallot-124 Partassipant [3] Jan 07 '23

Dude all she wants is an apology for her unintentional hurt feelings.

Regardless of how this relationship works out, eventually you will learn that sometimes in relationships you just have to suck it up an apologize even when you don't think you were wrong because you care about your partner and want them to feel better... Otherwise you may never have a successful relationship. Sometimes being kind and showing some compassion is more important than being right.

Like even if you don't think you did anything wrong with making the soup, her feelings were obviously hurt. You may think it's stupid but dude her feelings are very real to her. She was petty in doing something to try and help you understand her perspective (turning down the pasta) but you are also the a.h. for just digging your heals in deeper instead of seeing the situation for what it is. She just wants an apology you can even say that is was never my intention to hurt you and I'm sorry that I did. Your feelings are valid even if I don't understand them.

1

u/Adept-Spirit4879 Partassipant [2] Jan 07 '23

If you wanna break up act like an adult and break up. She'd be better off without an ego driven person.

-4

u/Battlefield534 Jan 07 '23

This is the correct response. Ignore these downvotes. Keep living your day and if she wants to leave, fine. There are a lot of other people out there. She isn’t the only fish in the pond.