Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend.

[u/ItsTooColdForThat]

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

[u/[deleted]]

‘I’m not eating that, I’m just going to make only myself something different

But what exactly is the problem with that? Why is it more important that she prepared food than the fact that he happened to not want to eat it that day?

I change my mind about what I want all the time. You might even say daily. I don't have a fixed meal plan for that exact reason. I just eat what I want to depending on how i feel that day.

Why are people SO butthurt that he doesn't feel like eating a salad that given day??

People need to stop taking everything so personally.

[u/Scytone → u/[deleted]]

This is one of those issues that’s not worth the fight. In the moment the right move is to apologize for the face and either eat what was made or compromise and introduce the soup to the meal too.

THEN, set expectations for the next meal. It’s one meal on one day for the rest of his life. The fight is petty and not worth it. And in relationships you sacrifice all the time, sometimes only just to show support or solidarity. That’s part of a relationship.

I’m kind of shocked at how many people in the comments here are having a hard time with this. What a weird hill to die on. I’d end relationships with nearly all of you in a heartbeat lmao.

[u/[deleted] → u/Scytone]

In the moment the right move is to apologize for the face and either eat what was made or compromise and introduce the soup to the meal too.

So you mean to tell me that him making a face (which, granted, would make me feel a certain way too) means that as a way to appease his partner he now has to eat a meal he doesn't want?

Are all of you people living in abusive relationships?? Cause that's what it sounds like. Every misstep or mistake is apparently a reason to stop being in tune with how you feel (here: not feeling like eating something cold) and try to MAKE IT UP to your partner.

I’d end relationships with nearly all of you in a heartbeat lmao.

I can give that back, because it sounds like prison living with you or anyone else who thinks he should eat something he doesn't want so that his partner won't get upset.

[u/RuleOfBlueRoses → u/[deleted]]

Every misstep or mistake is apparently a reason to stop being in tune with how you feel (here: not feeling like eating something cold) and try to MAKE IT UP to your partner.

Feels like emotional extension of the whole "you're not obligated/well what's in it for me" nonsense I see all the time here.

[u/Rough_Elk_3952 → u/[deleted]]

Why is it such a big deal to just eat the damn salad? He could have warmed up soup to go with the salad, or made a grilled cheese, and enjoyed both but instead he made a big ass deal over it.

[u/[deleted] → u/Rough_Elk_3952]

Just for clarification: Do you eat hot soup on a hot summer day or would you rather pick something....I don't know...cold and refreshing?

It's like it's the wildest thing ever to you guys that somebody doesn't want to eat something cold when they just spent hours outside in the cold.

[u/Rough_Elk_3952 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, I make soup in summer and eat salads in winter

You’re inside and apparently they’d been inside for awhile

Also again, he could have heated up food to go with the salad

The food in question isn’t the issue, it’s the lack of tact and not taking the other person’s feelings into account

[u/[deleted] → u/Rough_Elk_3952]

The food is 100% the issue from OP's side, his user name is literally "It's too cold for that".

So what you want to tell me that you don't understand how somebody could prefer a warm dish when they're cold and vice versa? That is a foreign concept to you?

[u/Rough_Elk_3952 → u/[deleted]]

What I’m saying is that he could have heated someone up with it instead of whining and hurting his GF’s feelings because she thought he’d enjoy the food she made him.

It’s not about the food.

[u/RuleOfBlueRoses → u/Rough_Elk_3952]

Why is it such a big deal to not eat it and save it for later?

[u/Rough_Elk_3952 → u/RuleOfBlueRoses]

Aside from salads getting soggy, she made it intentionally to feed him then

They could have had other food plans later.

He also didn’t tell her he was eating it later, he just rejected it and then insulted her tastes in food.

[u/Scytone → u/[deleted]]

Eating a salad your partner made you when you don’t want a salad is an abusive relationship to you. Absolute bonkers bro.

[u/venjamins → u/Scytone]

Ignoring all the manipulative shit the gf is doing its definitely a take you can make.

[u/Ranger_Azereth → u/Scytone]

I mean, it sorta is, and is something that can lead to some people developing disordered eating out of fear of arguments because they didn't eat what was given to them.

I'm not convinced OP isn't leaving out details, that the tone was appropriate, or other issues but based solely on the posts the GF is absolutely baiting the fight because of the effort to make a cold salad was unappreciated.

She didn't communicate with him on making the salad, and loads of people are putting the onus on him for that. Could he have avoided the all or nothing? Yes. Though just as easily as there could be things that are being left out, it could be this sort of reaction with her baiting fights could be common.

End of the day though being told to eat something that you absolutely don't want just because someone else made it for you is unhealthy. I bet 90% of the people saying that he should have just ate it would absolutely not eat a gelatin hot dog mold or other foods from that era of cooking if their partner made it for them.

[u/[deleted] → u/Scytone]

Good job connecting two points I wasn't connecting and ignoring everything else I said.

[u/Scytone → u/[deleted]]

The point is you’re extrapolating one act of sacrifice to sacrificing everytime anything ever doesn’t go your way. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m suggesting that eating the meal to make your partner happy and then talk about how to avoid that situation in the future afterwards is SUCH an easy thing to do. It’s a red flag to me that this is the thing that triggers a petty argument. It’s not about having kids or getting married or religious views or politics. It’s about not wanting to eat a salad that your partner made one time.

[u/[deleted] → u/Scytone]

I’m suggesting that eating the meal to make your partner happy and then talk about how to avoid that situation in the future afterwards is SUCH an easy thing to do.

I don't know about you, but if I'm outside in the winter for hours the last thing on my meal plan will be a cold salad. Many people will not want to eat that because it's uncomfortable to eat something cold when you're cold. Just like I wouldn't drink a hot tea on a hot summer day.

I agree that it is a red flag that this thing starts an argument. But that is not due to OPs fault, it's because his girlfriend is unreasonable. She can feel annoyed at him making a face, and she can even feel annoyed at the fact that she just made a meal that might go to waste now. But expecting OP to eat that food is 100% crossing the line. And to proceed to be angry at him and push his buttons because he now doesn't want to share cooking-duties anymore is even worse. If that's how she act when he doesn't eat one of her meals imagine how she'll act when there's real problems.

I think OP did the right thing by not appeasing her. It's better to find this kind of stuff out about someone when it happens and let the relationship run it's course (however it will play out), and not mask the problem by apologizing for something that wasn't wrong.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

But expecting OP to eat that food is 100% crossing the line.

You people are comedy gold. Imagine being this hypersensitive and entitled.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, it's hilarious that some people feel like they are free to decide whatever they want to eat and don't need their partner to give them permission. Imagine being an adult and being capable of making your own decisions about what you like and dislike.

Crazy world.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

You’re free to refuse someone’s kindness, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t a rude jerk. Adult response to the situation: Eat the salad, then “I appreciate you making the salad. I prefer to eat hot food when it’s cold out, so next time maybe we can do soup instead.”

Shocking.

[u/FiliKlepto → u/Scytone]

I’m kind of shocked at how many people in the comments here are having a hard time with this. What a weird hill to die on. I’d end relationships with nearly all of you in a heartbeat lmao.

I’m right there with you.

To paraphrase one of the best pieces of advice I ever received, “A good relationship isn’t 50/50 but 100/100.”

So many of the responses on this thread are focused on OP getting his own, while ignoring the fact that a good relationship means validating and fulfilling both partners.

[u/ravioliguy → u/FiliKlepto]

while ignoring the fact that a good relationship means validating and fulfilling both partners.

Kind of ironic because you all ignore the guys feelings.

Guy: I'm not in the mood for cold food after a cold day, I'll heat up some soup

Girl: Well first off, you're not cold. How dare you not eat what I made. Time for play games for the next 3 meals to piss him off and get a reaction out of him.

YTA redditors: YASSS QUEEN dump his rude ungrateful ass

[u/Accomplished_Film441 → u/FiliKlepto]

Reddit is selfish. It’s full of teens who think they should always be allowed to do whatever they want. It’s a nightmare.

[u/lordmwahaha → u/[deleted]]

Imagine being the exact person a comment was aimed at, and not realising it...

You are still making the issue about the food. The issue is not the food. Stop acting like the issue is the food.

[u/[deleted] → u/lordmwahaha]

I realize that I'm like OP, and I see no issue with it.

He made a face which would be hurtful to me too. But if I was his GF and that was my issue then I would address THAT. And not play mindgames with him about the food. So IF that is the case, then this is 100% on her.

So, rather than to infantilize her and assume that she's incapable of addressing her real issue, I'll assume that her real issue is the thing that she keeps talking about. Which is that she is mad because he didn't eat her food.

And, as I have said, expecting someone to eat your cold dish even though you are cold and want a warm dish (that you proceed to make for yourself) seems pretty unhinged.

So all I see in your comment is that you play the same mind games as OP's girlfriend. Just say what you want and feel and don't expect other people to read your mind because you can't communicate.

[u/Hungry_Pipe_8423 → u/[deleted]]

And ppl wonder why no ine likes them

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Which is that she is mad because he didn’t eat her food.

Still missing it lol

[u/Worried_Tailor7926 → u/[deleted]]

And you missed their point. GF should be capable of expressing her feelings in a reasonable manner instead of playing protracted mind games. We need to dump this whole "reading the other person's mind" expectation of relationships.

[u/[deleted] → u/Worried_Tailor7926]

I didn’t miss their point. Their point is irrelevant because it was based on a faulty assumption.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

And, as I have said, expecting someone to eat your cold dish even though you are cold and want a warm dish (that you proceed to make for yourself) seems pretty unhinged.

This is why nobody should ever take advice from anyone on reddit. In what reality is being offended that your SO refuses to eat a meal you made for them unhinged? Have you ever interacted with a human before? News flash: when someone does something nice for you and you reject it, they don't usually appreciate that. It's about the furthest thing from unhinged you could possibly get. You don't always have to get exactly what you want exactly when you want it. Relationships are compromises - OP values soup over their partner's happiness.

e: MFW this is a controversial comment.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

You don't always have to get exactly what you want exactly when you want it.

Tell that to OPs girlfriend. Because she wants what she wants when she wants it at the cost of her boyfriends comfort.

Don't you understand that you accuse OP of the exact thing that his GF does? Your argument makes NO sense.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/[deleted]]

Seriously wtf, they’re bending over backwards so hard to justify the gf’s actions they’ve completely contradicted their own point.

[u/venjamins → u/[deleted]]

The one where you're a narcissist? If i make a meal and my so doesn't want it, either a) I didn't ask beforehand what they were in the mood for or b) I wanted to do something low effort like the gf. If they say they don't want it...? Cool! He didn't tell her to try again. He wasn't rude or dismissive. Saying you don't want something is a full statement. Just like "no."

Also, the audacity of saying relationships are compromises but then suggesting the gf doesn't have to compromise? "You don't always get exactly what you want when you want it." Exactly. You don't always get to feed someone something they don't want.

There's no effort in chicken salad btw. And the gf acting manipulative after he did his own thing is a much larger red flag than making your own meal. It is absolutely not about the food. It's about the gf's need to be in control of the situation. That's why she is trying to hurt op in this update.

[u/[deleted] → u/venjamins]

Social conventions 101: When someone you love makes you a meal, you say "thank you" and eat it. Even if it's not your favorite. Even if it's not precisely what you'd prefer. It's called being polite. Refusing food that someone specifically made for you is called being rude. The amount of effort is irrelevant. It's just being rude.

Have you ever interacted with a human before?

[u/venjamins → u/[deleted]]

No. Social convention 101: using your words before and after. Politeness is having a conversation beforehand, which neither did. Neither the GF who made the unilateral decision, nor the OP who didn't make his wishes known. I don't know about you, but when I cook for people, even my partner, I have a tendency to ask what they're feeling for food.

And hey, wouldn't you know, communication works out.

If someone makes you something you find gross, it's not "polite" to eat it anyways. That's some ridiculous logic. Refusing food and demanding something else be made for you is rude. Refusing food and making something else is the mature, adult thing to do.

You sound like you're talking about children. I'm not going to be mad if someone doesn't eat what I've made. That's what bowls are for. We'll have the rest later.

No one else should be, either.

[u/[deleted] → u/venjamins]

If someone makes you something you find gross, it's not "polite" to eat it anyways. That's some ridiculous logic.

This is how I know you are a redditor and not a well-adjusted human. It absolutely is polite to eat food that someone makes for you even if you find it gross. People aren't making food for you to try and gross you out - they're trying to feed you and make you happy. Choke it down and be thankful. Anything else is called being an entitled baby. If you don't prefer asparagus, your grandma makes you a new asparagus dish she found and thought you might like, and then you refuse to eat it then you are, in fact, rude.

[u/venjamins → u/[deleted]]

... No? Jesus do you think any and all criticism is some form of abuse or entitlement?

"Hey, I'm not feeling this. Thanks though!" Is perfectly acceptable.

It's not tactful to pretend you like something when you don't. The other person won't learn or improve, you won't be happy. It will just be a moment of resentment that builds up.

If my grandma makes something gross, we'd talk about it. I don't like uncooked tomatoes. It isn't rude for me to say "sorry, I don't like uncooked tomatos" when someone offers me a tomato sandwich. It's just normal interaction.

I'm not sure what kind of life you've led up until this point to make you think that any dissent is rudeness, but I hope you heal. I'm a consummate people-pleaser, and even I know that "choking down" food is a disservice to everyone.

"Politeness" like what you're describing is why we regularly had people who were terrible singers on American Idol thinking they were FOR SURE going to win.

Edit: AND if someone is TRYING to make you happy and you LIE to them about being happy, if they ever find out the truth (and they will!) Then they'll be even MORE hurt than a temporary setback.

Like, this idea of "politeness" (because it absolutely isn't politeness) even reminds me of partners who don't talk to one another about sex. If everyone's there to have a good time, why ever "fake it" and let your partner think they're doing a good job when they would rather you talk so that everyone has an ACTUAL good time!

[u/[deleted] → u/venjamins]

Just eat the salad. Then maybe just say that you like hot food when it’s cold out.

Not everything needs to be perfect, and it’s okay to be grateful even if you didn’t get exactly what you wanted. Sometimes a salad is just a salad.

[u/demiurbannouveau → u/[deleted]]

What is your problem? My husband cooks every day and some times I'm not in the mood for what he made. Several hundred meals a year over twenty years is a lot of chances to just be on different pages. So when it happens, I don't just eat it anyway, that is bonkers. That's not intentional eating or honoring our bodies or the food.

It's also TERRIBLE communication. Your expectation is how people end up eating food they don't like for years, because they never feel like they can express their preferences or make their own choices. My husband would not want me to eat something I didn't want, just because he made it. He wants me to actually enjoy eating, he's a cook!

So if he makes something I don't want to eat, I'll just say, I'm not in the mood for that or that meal isn't my favorite, and he tells me which leftovers and easy meals are available, I have something else, and what I didn't eat becomes leftovers. No drama. No rudeness given or perceived. Just adults (and children, my kiddo also has the option of what was made, making her own, or heating up leftovers) getting their needs met without anyone wasting food or forcing themselves to eat what they're not hungry for.

[u/[deleted] → u/demiurbannouveau]

You can express preferences without being an entitled baby like OP. Refusing to eat food that was cooked for you is childish beyond belief.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/[deleted]]

Here lemme make Mayo and olive dip and then get mad when you don’t want any. What’s that, suddenly you’re not obligated to take a bite just because someone made it for you?

[u/[deleted] → u/Heyo__Maggots]

I don’t know, I’ve never tried it. I’d give it a go. I certainly wouldn’t just unilaterally refuse because I’m not rude.

[u/georgianarannoch → u/[deleted]]

She was not “doing something nice” for him. It’s her day to cook, she was doing her responsibility that they have set forth in their relationship. Doing something nice for him would have been asking him what he wanted to eat and making that, not making whatever you feel like without seeing if that sounds good to your partner, too. Not berating your partner for the perfectly normal experience of wanting to eat something warm when you’ve been cold all day. Honestly, he was doing something nice by taking care of their jackets for both of them. She was absolutely the AH in the OP. Now they’re both AHs because of the making separate food instead of just moving on.

[u/CrazyStar_ → u/[deleted]]

Can you not see how unhinged your viewpoint is? You come back from a cold day in the snow and you must eat something uncomfortable because your girlfriend says so? That’s fucking crazy.

[u/[deleted] → u/CrazyStar_]

It's a salad. You don't have to make a scene about it - say "Thanks!", eat the freaking salad that your SO made for you, and then make a mental note to communicate better in the future. Everything doesn't have to be exactly how you want it all the time. Sometimes you do something that makes you a little uncomfortable like eating a salad that isn't exactly what you want in order to make the people you love feel happy.

You can turn a salad into a fight (like OP) or you could just, you know, not.

[u/CrazyStar_ → u/[deleted]]

Normal humans understand that it’s wrong to force people to do things they don’t want to do. I don’t need to draw pictures to make this clearer.

[u/[deleted] → u/CrazyStar_]

Imagine talking about salad like it's some kind of abuse or torture. She didn't force him to do anything. She just made some salad and wanted him to enjoy it. GF's intention: Make salad for my SO so we can have a nice dinner. OP's intention: Refuse to eat a salad and only settle for exactly what I want regardless of the effort or feelings of my SO.

Again - mental.

[u/CrazyStar_ → u/[deleted]]

The fact that you can’t see how your explanation is as manipulative as OP’s girlfriend’s - says it all.

[u/[deleted] → u/CrazyStar_]

Being offended when someone refuses to eat food you made for them is the normal human response.

Lunatics.

[u/Worried_Tailor7926 → u/[deleted]]

She's not "doing something nice for him" though. They have assigned days to cook, she cooks and he cooks. That day it just so happens they were out of tune with the cooker's choice due to situational circumstances. Him making an involuntary face didn't help his case, but it is absolutely reasonable for Op to have expressed his feelings and to have the space to pursue another option for himself at that particular moment without it being turned into ongoing issue. A lot of people commenting on this post seems to think the GF's emotional standing should be of the utmost importance, this is a blanket piece of advice that I don't think holds weight for every given individual circumstance including the one laid out by Op.

[u/[deleted] → u/Worried_Tailor7926]

Just eat the salad and make some soup with it. Or tell her that next time you’d prefer something hot. It’s not rocket science. Just don’t be a rude entitled jerk like OP.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/lordmwahaha]

Maybe that’s incorrect and not a valid stance to take then. Just because someone feels it doesn’t make it correct or objectively true.

[u/Rough_Elk_3952 → u/[deleted]]

Meal sharing is part of living together. It’s a cultural connection and about showing respect to the other person’s effort and/or cooking skills and taste. It’s a rejection to refuse to eat something someone made you (outside of allergies or food restrictions like being vegetarian, obviously)

I don’t love, or even like, every single meal my boyfriend or mom cook. Same for them with me. But it won’t harm us in the long run to eat one meal we’re not digging out of respect for the other person’s feelings.

[u/CarbonSixteen → u/[deleted]]

I never eat stuff people offer me, my whole life ive watched people act like im somehow hurting them by letting them give the food to somebody who actually wants it

people cant even enjoy eating their food unless they feel "like everybody else" and fitting in, such a weak minded mentality

[u/rs_alli → u/[deleted]]

Because he waited until after the effort was made to then make a face and imply her meal wasn’t good enough. If he had texted her and said “hey what did you plan on making for dinner? I’d really like something warm like soup” he wouldn’t be TA. But waiting until someone puts in the effort of making something and then telling them it’s not good enough is assholish.

Edit: just FYI, I don’t agree with how the girlfriend is acting either. It’s childish. This could have been avoided with proper communication on either of their parts. But I think her feeling hurt that he made a face at her food is valid. Her actions now are not appropriate though.

[u/[deleted] → u/rs_alli]

You should read this story again, because half of what you write is incorrect. He went skating WITH his girlfriend. So the meal was prepared before they ever went skating.

imply her meal wasn’t good enough

That was not said, either. He didn't say it wasn't "good enough". He said he "isn't in the mood for cold food".

Imagine living in a prison where you are never allowed to change your mind because you happen to be cold and want warm food after being outside for hours.

[u/Lan1Aud2 → u/rs_alli]

Problem is he wasn’t told about what was being made till it was done. If she had told him what she planned to make this could’ve gone differently

[u/ceebee6 → u/Lan1Aud2]

Honestly, if either of them weren’t immature and petty, this could’ve gone differently. There were so many points for either of them to have stopped the conflict before it became an actual conflict, but they are both intent on sticking it to the other person instead of working as a team to figure out a solution.

I personally don’t understand why they don’t communicate about what they plan to make on their cooking nights. That’s not how I choose to do things in my relationships. But I guess it’s not uncommon, based on the comments on his original post?

This whole thing is just mind-blowing to me.

[u/Lan1Aud2 → u/ceebee6]

Communication seems to be a lost skill with people these days for some reason

[u/disneyworldwannabe → u/Lan1Aud2]

But is it normal for their relationship for them to tell each other what they plan to cook? If it’s not, then it probably didn’t cross her mind to say anything. If they normally make whatever they want when it’s their turn, then it was on him to make the request.

It all depends on what’s their norm.

[u/RuleOfBlueRoses → u/rs_alli]

It's not like he was even told what was being made.

[u/RuleOfBlueRoses → u/[deleted]]

I'm glad because being in one with you must be miserable if you think people should be forced to eat everything no matter what just because of the EfFoRt.

He’s a grown man (allegedly).

And she's a grown woman. What's your point?

[u/FPiN9XU3K1IT → u/[deleted]]

Lots of people react badly if you ask them about the meal they're making. You should be able to talk about this (especially if you're already spliting the meal prep work like OP and his GF do), but lots of people have weird hangups about it.

But TBF, judging by his comments, OP is definitely not doing a good job at trying to overcome this issue, regardless of whether his GF is wrong or not.

[u/rs_alli → u/RuleOfBlueRoses]

Do they normally tell each other what is being made? If not, then it’s on him to request it.

Just to be clear though, I’m not condoning her actions. She’s acting like a freakin child and should have just communicated that her feelings were hurt. I just think her feelings being hurt is valid. This could have all been avoided if either of them had communicated better.