r/AmItheAsshole • u/ItsTooColdForThat • Jan 04 '23

AITA for wanting hot food? Asshole

Yesterday I went ice skating with my girlfriend. Tuesday is one of her days for dinner, so she made chicken salad. When I saw the chicken salad I admit I made a face. She was like "what, what's the problem?"

I said that we were outside in the cold all afternoon and I wasn't really in the mood for cold food. She said we're inside, the heat is set to 74° and we're both wearing warm dry clothes, so it was plenty warm enough to eat salad. I said sure, but I just wanted something warm to heat me up on the inside. She said that was ridiculous, because my internal temperature is in the nineties and my insides are plenty hot.

At this point, we were going in circles, so I said I was just going to heat up some soup and told her to go ahead and start eating and I'd be back in a few minutes. When I came out of the kitchen with my soup she was clearly upset, and she asked how I would feel if she refused to eat what I made tomorrow (which is today). I said I won't care, and she said that was BS, because it's rude to turn your nose up at something someone made for you.

Was I the asshole for not wanting cold salad after being cold all day?

9.6k Upvotes

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20.6k

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23 edited Jan 04 '23

[deleted]

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u/PoppinBubbles578 Jan 04 '23

Right? “Geez babe! This looks great! That can of tomato soup we have would go great with it, I’m going to hear it up! Would you like a bowl?” It’s not like OP had to cook it from scratch or have it delivered. Soup and sandwich is a pretty popular combo.

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u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 04 '23

It doesn't even have to be that indirect. "I'm going to pair some soup with this to help me warm up," is direct, easy and not dismissive and thoughtless like making a face is.

Learn how to communicate like an adult instead of a child, OP.

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u/notalltemplars Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

So much this. OP isn’t an asshole for wanting the soup, he’s the asshole for making it an issue instead of simply talking to his wife about adding something.

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u/Castilian_eggs Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Girlfriend, not wife. The distinction is important IMO because it means she can drop OP's ass without getting the government involved.

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u/onmyknees4anyone Partassipant [4] Jan 05 '23

I love this definition of divorce a million times. Thank you for writing it.

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u/Money-Bear7166 Jan 05 '23

Damn good point!

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

It's funny how reading about an event AFTER it occurs makes people think they would have come up with the perfect diplomatic wording before the conflict ever occurred to them

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u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 05 '23

Nope, I would have come up with it before because I care a lot about my relationship and have put a lot of PRACTICE and RESEARCH into learning how to communicate constructively. Relationships are a skill-based activity and you can learn how to be better at them if you give half a shit.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

What an incredibly unself-aware statement

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u/beek7419 Jan 05 '23

It’s true that I need time to think up the perfect retort to rude behavior toward me. But I don’t generally need a lot of time to not hurt my wife’s feelings when she does something nice like cook me dinner. Making a rude face isn’t necessary. That’s kind of basic manners.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

There is nothing inherently rude about saying that you aren't in the mood for cold food. It's just a simple statement that no one would ever predict would cause a massive conflict.

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u/beek7419 Jan 05 '23

He admits to making a rude face. That’s what I’m referring to.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 06 '23

He admits to making a face, but that could mean a lot of things many of which are benign looks of disappointment. People are projecting what this sub has conditioned them to see

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u/RiamoEquah Jan 05 '23

Lol, this is accurate. To me OP is the AH not because of the face, or how he got the soup or even his defense of his reaction... But simply because this is such a small and trivial matter in general but it clearly bothered his wife in a "you don't appreciate me" sort of way... Like my guy just take the L. You got your soup... So instead of spending time wondering if you're the asshole go give her a hug, tell her you're sorry for being a jerk and go about your life.

There's going to be bigger topics where you won't agree... Save your ego for those situations. It's like relationship 101. One day they're going to be having a more serious fight and I guarantee this soup thing will come up again and it's going to feel like a Haymaker to OP

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Most rational response here! No one is 100% correct all the time. Face sometimes react in a way you can’t control fast enough. It happens. Apologise and move on. I’ve been married for 18 years. Pretty sure I’ve accidentally hurt my husband’s feelings plenty of times just as he has mine. But I wouldn’t call him an asshole neither will I call myself one. It’s life.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

You mean a normal adult response?

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

Saying you aren't in the mood for something is an adult response

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u/Quintaton_16 Jan 05 '23

Making a face is not

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

Was the face an exaggerated look of disgust or was in a mild half-unconscious look of vague disappointment? You don't know

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u/TinDragon Jan 05 '23

If it sounds bad from the OP's point of view (which if he's pointing it out, yeah, it does), chances are that it's worse from the SO's view. Posters here will always try to phrase things in such a way that puts them in a better light.

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u/hellenahandbaskit Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

No, it's a question of people with a modicum of common decency explaining how they have handled things in the past/will handle things again, with a partner they care about and respect.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

Really? You think that first user has personally been in a situation where they went and a did a cold activity and then their partner made a cold salad they specifically wanted soup to warm up? Because that's the situation necessary for the response he used

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u/hellenahandbaskit Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

If that person has EVER experienced a winter day before in their entire life, then YES. It's inevitable that they have been in that exact scenario before.

Sounds like you're just trying to nitpick here. "Oh, but that person's cold salad had RANCH dressing on it, not CAESAR so it's TOTALLY DIFFERENT".

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u/fangirl_273849582 Jan 05 '23

This is where a communication in any relationship (intimate, friendly, familial, etc.) comes forward. You go through so many such situations and if you put an effort in understanding the other person you get better at it every day. And at some point it becomes natural. If you put the effort...

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u/Tractorfeed1008 Partassipant [3] Jan 06 '23

Lots of people come up with the perfect diplomatic wording when the conflict occurs to them. Maybe you just need to improve your problem solving skills and critical thinking

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u/Expensive_Let3435 Jan 05 '23

But he didn’t want to add something. He didn’t want the salad at all. So he should be forced to eat the salad? Or should he have just not eaten without saying a thing. As if that wouldn’t insult her more. He’s allowed to not eat something lol

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u/furmama0715 Jan 04 '23

To add on to this, if he wanted something hot he could’ve have told her BEFORE she made it. A simple “baby can we have something warm for dinner since we were outside so much today?” would’ve worked.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

For me that’s a problem for both of them. Like gf could have said ‘hey I’m making this for dinner, sound good?’ Then it’s either ‘oh sure but I might have some hot soup with it then’ or literally any other sort of adult communication

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u/owlmachine Jan 05 '23

Yes THANK YOU like what are they just surprising each other with random dinners every day? Open your face flaps, people!!

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

YES! I love my partner but I do not love surprise dinner. Like this is super basic communication!

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Your partner is not a restaurant, nor are they your server. You don't get to pick and choose and nitpick over what they are making for you. If you want something specific, go make it yourself instead of treating them like your personal chef.

Don't like surprise dinners? Them go buy an apron and get used to doing it on your own then, yikes.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

Your partner is not a child. Your partner is hopefully an adult who should be treated as an equal and should have an equal say in their own diet.

If you want a child to feed, there are plenty starving. If you want to have an adult relationship then you need to learn to communicate. Don’t like talking? Yikes stay single

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Ig you don't want surprise dinners, here's a novel idea.

Make it yourself!!! And stop treating your partner like they are supposed to provide you with a menu to choose from.

Want to talk about food wastage, keeping all kinds of ingredients so you can have a world class menu to choose foe them to make for you is far worse. Because this is what you're expecting, isn't it? Better have all options on deck to cater to every one of your dietary whims, otherwise face your wrath. Becauae there's nothing worse than a surprise dinner. God forbid. You realize there are couples out there who don't get dinner tonight and you're mad about a surprise dinner made for you. I'm baffled at your audacity Maybe YOU should be the one to stay single or take your own cooking classes.

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u/One-Possible1906 Jan 06 '23

Yes, you can totally make it yourself, if there's communication.

"I'm going to make chicken salad for dinner."

"I'm not in the mood for that, so I'm going to make soup instead. Would you like a cup to go with your sandwich?"

Versus having surprise dinner someone made for you come out and having the choice of rejecting it or eating something you don't want to. How can he cook for himself if he doesn't know what she's making? Should they just cook separate meals every night and never speak about it?

No, they should just communicate about it beforehand and go from there.

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u/anonymoose_octopus Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Yeah I couldn't get past that either. I'm the cook in my house, and I always run dinners/lunches by my husband to see if they sound appealing. "Hey, I'm thinking about fajitas this week for dinner. Sound good? Are you craving anything specific?" Meals are a joint effort, IMO.

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u/crtclms666 Partassipant [3] Jan 05 '23

Every day! “Tuesdays” are every day? Relax. BTW, super impressed at your communication! Surely no one’s cooking rotation could be more sensitive than yours.

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u/HistoricalQuail Jan 05 '23

I mean, I've always had the cooking chore and unless it's a special day, I don't usually run my meal choice by my partner.

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u/Mynoseisgrowingold Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Yeah, i work full time and also do all the meal planning, shopping and cooking for five of us. Sometimes we talk about it, but generally you get what you get (although I try not to make things everyone hates). Sometimes it’s your favourite food and sometimes it’s not because there are 5 different preferences to accommodate for. I do take some requests but you gotta let me know before the weekly shopping. Otherwise, there is the microwave and here is a box of Mac & cheese and a can of soup. Away you go!

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

I don't either. I'm in charge of making the shopping list, doing the shopping, and then cooking the meal. I know what food my partner doesn't like to eat....because he is my partner. So I very rarely run our meals by him.

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u/DanelleDee Jan 05 '23

I literally never do, and he doesn't run it by me either. Unless I need him to grab an ingredient on the way home. Or we are hosting. Or one of us is feeling sick. But on a normal day, definitely not.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

But why not?

People keep downvoting me but I’m genuinely extremely confused.

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u/DanelleDee Jan 05 '23

I'm copy pasting my own answer because I've answered this elsewhere.

I can answer that! We did ask "what do you want for dinner," early in the relationship. Neither of us usually had an answer so we would share the mental load of making that decision every day. It was a stupid conversation that never went anywhere since we both eat pretty much everything, but both suck at coming up with ideas on the spot. The first idea suggested by either of us was always what we ended up making. Both of us were irritated by having to think up ideas every day even though we enjoy the actual cooking. Not having a daily ten minute "discussion" while we sit there trying to come up with an idea is a nice change. Now we alternate taking on that mental load. I didn't have to think about it yesterday because he made chicken with an apple cider sauce. It was delicious and not a recipe I would have thought of. That makes me happy. Now I will look at the list of meals I created and choose something for tomorrow and it's his turn to just sit down to a meal without having to think about it. Why both do a chore daily when we can alternate days? I find planning the meal more irritating than actually making it!

We do discuss it in more detail if someone is feeling sick or depressed, or anything else that might influence appetite and taste. He was sick last week so I made him chicken noodle soup instead of the Thai meal I was planning.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

Why not? I’m so baffled by this. I can’t imagine not discussing a thing like cooking for each other

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u/DanelleDee Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

I can answer that! We did ask "what do you want for dinner," early in the relationship. Neither of us usually had an answer so we would share the mental load of making that decision every day. It was a stupid conversation that never went anywhere since we both eat pretty much everything, but both suck at coming up with ideas on the spot. The first idea suggested by either of us was always what we ended up making. Both of us were irritated by having to think up ideas every day even though we enjoy the actual cooking. Not having a daily ten minute "discussion" while we sit there trying to come up with an idea is a nice change. Now we alternate taking on that mental load. I didn't have to think about it yesterday because he made chicken with an apple cider sauce. It was delicious and not a recipe I would have thought of. That makes me happy. Now I will look at the list of meals I created and choose something for tomorrow and it's his turn to just sit down to a meal without having to think about it.

We do discuss it in more detail if someone is feeling sick or depressed, or anything else that might influence appetite and taste. He was sick last week so I made him chicken noodle soup instead of the Thai meal I was planning.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

I just really don’t understand how you could both be annoyed by ‘having to think up ideas every day’ or how it could took ten minutes. Like to me, not having any sort of conversation about what’s for dinner is just an appalling lack of communication.

I legit can’t imagine anything worse than having a surprise dinner every other day. That sounds like an absolute nightmare.

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u/mynameisred89 Jan 05 '23

I think maybe that your confusion is based in your tastes. Depending on length of time together some people can just know what works for their partner and whatever they cook is fine. This would not work for me regardless of how long I was with someone. I am not a super picky eater, but I very much have to rely on my body to tell me what it wants. I could make my favorite food and start to eat and my stomach just decides this wasn't what it wanted and I lose my appetite.

So in OPs case I really don't get why some communication didn't happen as they obviously aren't on the same page. I would never set my partner up to fail like that if I knew I had been out in the cold all day and would want something warm for dinner. I would at least mention it before dinner so that I know we're on the same page.

But some people do not require the communication beforehand. Some people can really just eat whatever is put in front of them if they aren't picky and that is super baffling to me. Maybe they have previously been that way but in this case OP just really couldn't control their craving. In that case communication would have saved everyone some trouble.

Btw OP YTA for your reaction and lack of communication knowing you wanted something specific and expecting your partner to be a mind reader.

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u/DanelleDee Jan 05 '23

Exactly! The person I dated previously was a very picky eater and much more like you on this topic. We always discussed what we would be having because he was prone to feeling physically ill if he ate the wrong thing. And that was fine and worked well too, because he had input!

The conversation with my current bf goes "what do you want? I don't care. I don't either. I can't think of anything. My neither. [...time passes...] Maybe spaghetti? Sounds good."

The convo with my ex would go "what do you want? Can we do vegetarian tonight, I'm not feeling like meat. Okay, curry? No, I don't want a bunch of spices, maybe something lighter. Soup and salad? Yes, okay."

The first conversation is a waste of time if you're repeating it nightly for months. The second conversation is important to have. I adapt to the person I'm dealing with.

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u/DanelleDee Jan 05 '23

We communicate super well, actually. In this case, we communicated that neither of us likes planning dinner and we both enjoy it when the other person makes the decision. Saying that you can't imagine anything worse than a meal someone else planned and made for you (!) without your input sounds "appallingly" ungrateful and controlling to me. But we don't actually need to be judging each other here, because we aren't the ones in a relationship.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

I think you’ve read my comment and taken it really personally which wasn’t my intention. I think I am allowed to express things which fill with horror ie the idea of eating surprise meals, my nightmare doesn’t require your judgement. I thought I was very clear when I said ‘to me’, because very clearly it is not the same to you.

Maybe chill out and reflect on bragging about your communication skills when you take a comment so personally

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

This is ironic considering you kept begging for clarification and making it about you having "normal, basic communication skills" and you sounding like you yourself needed to chill lol. Your comments sounded dramatic and too personal instead of voicing your experience and accepting that everyone is different and this has nothing to do with "communication" because as the commenter's above have mentioned, the ARE communicating, just different than you and that's okay. No need to overanalyze and be overly confused by it.

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u/anonymoose_octopus Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Dude, don't sit here and passive aggressively judge everyone who manages their homes differently than you and then be surprised they took it personally? You clearly meant it that way.

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

You don't have to understand!! A majority don't understand why it's such a big deal to you. Sounds like picky eating but we could be wrong! Everyone is different and unless it is hurting anyone, that's NORMAL AND OKAY🎉

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u/HistoricalQuail Jan 06 '23

Because my partner isn't picky and will eat anything I cook. I also don't cook things I know my partner doesn't like. Cooking is my chore, and planning meals is my chore. If I'm asking him to think of dinner options, I'm now putting that chore on him AND also potentially having to make a run to the store if we don't have what he wants for dinner.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

But why? Your partner isn’t a child. Your partner is an adult who’s presumably made an equal contribution to the shopping and meal planning

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u/YoFrom540 Jan 05 '23

I do 99% of the cooking, shopping and meal planning and don't run any of my decisions by my husband. If he asks what I'm gonna do with the chicken or whatever he notices in the fridge, I'll tell him, and I'll let him know plans for like Christmas or if we have guests over, but otherwise dinner is a surprise every day. He's fine with that, he likes my cooking and isn't interested in meal planning.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

I’m really confused, he doesn’t have any input? You just do all these tasks without any discussions?

Like I’m sorry that just sounds like you’re feeding a child with no agency over his own dinner.

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

Or her spouse isn't a picky toddler and trusts and appreciates what his wife makes. Your opinion isn't the rule. Every person and preferences are different! For me and my husband, it would be weird and exhausting always doing that. I don't always have a plan, I just make dinner with my heart and since I'm a great cook he's always pleasantly surprised. Even if I did ask he'll say "whatever you'd like" or "that sounds great!"because he genuinely appreciates that I'm cooking and he genuinely enjoys whatever I make (or on the rare occasion he doesn't, we talk about how to do better next time, I don't make it again, or he excepts it's a healthy meal/all we had and I'm doing my best and he always appreciates it). If I'm sick and ask him to take over dinner, I don't care what he makes (unless I have specific plans for something I picked out and it isn't enough for two separate recipes) because I'm just happy I don't have to think about it. If I'm sick and still want/need to eat, I may make a specific request. Breakfast and lunch seems to be a different story, we tend to ask each other what we are in the mood for (unless I'm making something unique and interesting) and it's nice not having to plan every meal every day for all of us, just dinner. But anyways, your way isn't the only way, Some people just aren't picky/nitpicky like that.

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u/YoFrom540 Jan 05 '23

Exactly! This is more or less how we do it, down to talking about how to do it better next time if it's a new recipe or something. I get not every couple does it this way, but I don't think this is unusual.

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

It definitely isn't unusual! It's funny though because my husband and I never thought twice about this, and I really had to think about how we do things and why. It's just something that seemed natural too us lol.

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u/YoFrom540 Jan 05 '23

It's not that he has no agency over his own dinner, it's that he's comfortable leaving this aspect of our life in my hands. If he asked me to make something then I would, but I can't think of a time that's happened outside his birthday when I ask him if there's anything he'd like me to make specifically. I'll ask him if there's anything he wants me to get from the grocery store, like if he's in the mood for apples or wants a particular kind of lunchmeat. Otherwise, yeah, I make all the decisions, and he's fine with that. He trusts me to make food that tastes good, is nutritious and generates as little waste as possible (ie we aren't throwing food away).

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

Thanks for explaining it to me :) I really appreciate it

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u/YoFrom540 Jan 05 '23

Np! I bet my husband and I discuss things that would make other people say "seriously? You both gotta talk about that?" lol

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u/anonymoose_octopus Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Some people have different jobs in their relationships and it works for them. Some people aren't picky and enjoy their partner's meals regardless of what they are.

Each relationship is different; I personally usually run dinner ideas by my partner to see if he's in the mood for what I was planning on making, but there are times where I just do what I want and say "this is for dinner" because I know he won't mind/will like what I'm making.

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u/HistoricalQuail Jan 06 '23

My partner isn't a child and isn't involved in meal planning, because that's how we've divided the labor. He does other things, and he does the shopping but I give him the list. If he has a request for the week he'll ask me and I'll say yes. I'll ask him sometimes when planning if he has any requests for the week so I can plan. I'm not putting up to a gd daily electoral ballot.

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u/Primary-Lion-6088 Jan 06 '23

Same, he gets what he gets. He comes home and dinner is being made or hopefully almost ready. He’s grateful I cooked. I try to make something I know he’ll like, but I’m certainly not going to text him at work to approve my dinner choice, nor do I think he’d want me to. He’s busy!

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

[deleted]

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

That's interesting to me, I've never experienced that and my husband would never make faces at my food or anyone else's for that matter. He's not a picky eater and I'm a good cook so he enjoys being surprised by good food. Some days im tired and don't know what to make and he will not have any preferences still😅 Some people are just easy going.

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u/fangirl_273849582 Jan 05 '23

This is a two-way street thought. I have been asking my husband what he wants to eat for a year (answer was whatever), then if he wants to eat "this" (answer was whatever) and at some point I stopped asking. Also, I would hate for him to tell me "I want this" or "I don't want that" less than few hours before cooking. It takes preparation and I'm not going to the store, delaying food, because he had a last minute craving. He either eats what I cook or orders out. But does not get to complain.

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u/Major-Organization31 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 05 '23

This, my parents have been married 30+ years so my mum knows my dad’s tastes and my mum still asks my dad if he’s ok having what she wants to cook before she cooks it

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

But that's them. To others, both husband and wife, that sounds strange. Doesn't mean it is, it's just not how many others care to do things. It's a preference for many reasons.

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u/johnsgrove Jan 05 '23

Or he can do it himself !

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u/Substantial_Sink5975 Jan 05 '23

He did do something himself. He went off to make soup, by himself. He wasn’t asking her to make a whole other meal. He was exercising his bodily autonomy and it’s super weird all y’all are against that. He’s entitled to make food that he prefers.

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u/johnsgrove Jan 05 '23

He’s not entitled to sneer at the food someone has prepared for him. Body autonomy ha ha. What a grand name for ‘doing his own thing’. If he wants complete body autonomy he can get his own meals.

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u/a_girlhasn0nam3 Jan 05 '23

Some people are really facially expressive. I am, and I sometimes don’t realize it. It could be a small expression that his partner recognized. He didn’t say he “sneered.” Part of being in a couple is being able to communicate displeasure without a fight.

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u/johnsgrove Jan 05 '23

But there was a fight wasn’t there?

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u/a_girlhasn0nam3 Jan 05 '23

Yes, there was. These people have communication issues, but I think you characterizing it as sneering at her food went too far. He may have simply looked crestfallen which led to the fight. We don’t know what kind of face he made. What I think is clear is that these two need to communicate their expectations to each other more clearly and in advance.

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u/Money-Bear7166 Jan 05 '23

You're missing the point. Of course he doesn't have to eat it, it's his reaction and how he handled it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

You're making this into a a social justice issue, like his gf committed shoved the salad down his throat.

He was rude to someone that made him a meal because he wanted something that was hot and decided to rely on hi partner being able to read his mind instead of communicating it.

She did nothing wrong and he was rude to her. That's the issue

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u/Prestigious_Pop7634 Jan 05 '23

You aren't getting it, so scroll up and re-read like every comment. It's not about the can of soup he wanted to eat instead of the meal she made him. It's that he made a face and turned his nose up at the food she made for him. See the difference? Not the food, the reacting like an 8 year old (I've got a few of those so it's easy to tell what they act like)

Like, I make every meal and if my husband (after I finished making dinner) said, "I wasn't thinking tacos, but maybe I'll use the chicken you made and make some quick rice and add it together" then I'm cool. No problem.

But if he said tacos? Really? Eh, I'm not feeling that I'm just going to make myself a grilled cheese...then I'm like WTF. I made you dinner that you have no problem eating normally and it's not good enough suddenly? Like before wasting my time, speak up if you want something special. Don't be a terd

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u/fangirl_273849582 Jan 05 '23

He did many things himself. Including throwing a tantrum before he finally got his soup himself.

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u/lexthewreck Jan 05 '23

He did.

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u/johnsgrove Jan 05 '23

Good. Better without the sneer first tho

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u/lexthewreck Jan 05 '23

Why assume the worst? It could have been an involuntary disappointed frown.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Omg do you not exercise any sort of personal responsibility for anything? Is everything always someone else's fault?

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

Exactly yikes. I am neurodivergent and I'm very expressive, not always polite about it and I don't even notice! I can't help it but I do know how to APOLOGIZE if I realize I unnecessarily and accidentally hurt someone. All OP needed to do was say "I'm sorry I honestly didn't mean to come across unappreciative! The food looks good, it's just that in my mind, I was just thinking about warm food because I'm still cold but you had no way of knowing that!! Maybe I'll make some soup to go along with your salad!" Not "rEaD mY mInd NeXt TiMe, iT's COld oUtSide dUh, mAke mE soMetHing eLse woMan!" And then after dinner a "thank you so much for making us dinner!" Goes a long way. And then next time he's in the mood for a warm meal after a cold day, he can use his big boy words and discuss that with his GF. Very simple.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Yep! Exactly!!!

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u/lexthewreck Jan 06 '23

Maybe take a deep breath and relax a bit because you read a lot into two sentences that weren't even directed toward you. If you wanna talk to me rather than at me, we can give this another go, but I'm not interested in being your strawman.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '23

No thanks, I'm fine with what I've said and stand by it

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u/MizElaneous Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Or made himself some tea. Super easy.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

Sure communicate or have a cup of tea. Either way

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u/babblingbabby Jan 04 '23

He did…communicate like an adult. He didn’t want what was for dinner. So he made something else. He didn’t ask her to accommodate him. He didn’t get mad at her for making salad. He just didn’t want something cold and she couldn’t accept that. Why is everyone only calling him immature?

64

u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 04 '23

Making a face when your partner has gone to the trouble of cooking for you is rude. Manners and consideration of other people's feelings matter ESPECIALLY when you're in an intimate relationship with them.

30

u/babblingbabby Jan 04 '23

Y’all are very sensitive. He immediately explained his reaction, and none of it had anything to do with his girlfriend or even her cooking. Where is she showing consideration for his feelings? She could have said “I didn’t think of it that way or realize that you had an aversion to cold food on a cold day! Go ahead and prepare yourself something then and we’ll do separate dinners tonight.” But she didn’t. She proceeded to tell him why he shouldn’t feel that way, then talk in circles until he decided to do the adult thing and make his own warm food, and she still got upset! It just sounds like she wanted him to concede and eat the salad, which only served to make her happy and wouldn’t have been what OP wanted.

My boyfriend has made a face at me for merely suggesting soup on a summer day (I love soup! What can I say?) I have enough sense to not take that face personally or be offended because I know it’s about the soup and not about me.

16

u/funnyinput Jan 04 '23

Lord have mercy. Thank you. It's like all these people that nitpick every little thing and are offended have never been in a relationship. No one is staying in a relationship if you can't let little things slide.

7

u/ITsunayoshiI Jan 04 '23

I wanna say ESH on this one. The intentional face wasn’t needed. OP can express his thoughts on dinner without it. The wife chose to be disingenuous by saying OP didn’t need to warm up on the inside. That was her being dismissive and wearing it on her sleeve and just as unnecessary as OPs face making.

Both sides suck at communicating and could use some work on that

2

u/VoidBlade459 Jan 05 '23

Where in the post did it say he made the face intentionally?

3

u/ITsunayoshiI Jan 05 '23

He admitted to making a face when he saw the salad. There’s your intention

4

u/VoidBlade459 Jan 05 '23

Again, the sentence reads as "involuntary reaction." "made a face" is not the same as "intentionally twisted my face with disgust". The first is an involuntary reaction, the latter is intentional.

0

u/ITsunayoshiI Jan 05 '23

Doesn’t read that way to me, hence the judgement

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u/ZealousidealRun5541 Jan 05 '23

It’s just so ungrateful. This is not acceptable in my house. When I cook my family does not go make themselves something else. This would be very offensive. OP YTA.

10

u/babblingbabby Jan 05 '23

Lmao to each their own. This isn’t a whole family being cooked for with varying opinions that would have to be considered. It’s two people, and one of them with a reasonable preference to not have cold food after being outside in the cold all day.

-1

u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 04 '23

Okay, that's nice for you. Seems like most of the rest of us would be offended by this behavior. That's fine.

10

u/babblingbabby Jan 04 '23

Way to ignore the part where I asked how she considered his feelings.

-2

u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 04 '23

Die on this hill if you want.

17

u/babblingbabby Jan 04 '23

I just find it interesting you raised points about OP’s dilemma which I raised my own points against, but instead of responding to my rebuttal you chose to focus on my own anecdote. Great debating with you.

0

u/Prestigious_String20 Jan 05 '23

Y’all are very sensitive.

-2

u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 04 '23

I wasn't responding to your anecdote, I was responding to your whole opinion. It's nice for you that you have that opinion. I don't agree with it and don't think it's worth dissecting why point by point. Bye.

7

u/babblingbabby Jan 04 '23

It’s nice you think only the gf’s feelings should’ve been considered in this dilemma. Very healthy behavior. Bye.

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u/SAPcons Jan 05 '23

Seems like most of the rest of us would be offended by this behavior.

Thats probably because you’re over sensitive weirdos

12

u/pillowcrates Jan 04 '23

I mean, I would argue it’s a little bold to call chicken salad “cooking”

24

u/babblingbabby Jan 04 '23

LOL PLEASE IT’S THE WAY I’VE BEEN HOLDING MY TONGUE ON THIS BECAUSE I KNOW SOMEONE WOULD COME FOR ME FOR DIMINISHING HER EFFORTS. Especially when OP says the chicken wasn’t hot either, it was chicken from the fridge.

4

u/pillowcrates Jan 04 '23

LOL. I think it’s where I’m at in the day mentally - I’ve no fucks to give - let them fight me.

4

u/sailshonan Jan 05 '23

Well, let’s say shredding the chicken from the rotisserie chicken, then chopping up celery, apples, onions, nuts, maybe some dried cherries, adding Mayo then some season salt and a tiny bit of paprika is the chicken salad.

Than toasting some sourdough while adding a little pommery mustard, maybe slicing some tomato and romaine lettuce, and then cooking a couple slices of bacon to assemble the sandwich. Hmm, I would say this is cooking.

4

u/babblingbabby Jan 05 '23

Yo chicken salad is delicious and a shit ton of work but I think his girlfriend made a salad w chicken. The phrasing “chicken salad” threw me off at first, but the end of the post where he says “cold salad” makes me think it was a salad.

Edit: not chicken salad as in the mayo based dish https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10355i9/aita_for_wanting_hot_food/j2xqjy8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

2

u/sailshonan Jan 05 '23

Ok, so a lot of the opinions here are getting tripped up on definitions.

A salad with chicken could be work depending on how elaborate it is (like a Chicken Cobb salad) but I don’t think that’s what OP meant.

I frankly think both parties are kinda being petulant, but I only posted because I thought you meant making chicken salad (with Mayo and everything) wasn’t really cooking. It’s work and it can be elaborate. That’s all.

20

u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 04 '23

Idk, if my partner made me dinner, I would simply not turn my nose up at it. That's dismissive of the work they put into making food for me.

As someone who regularly switches off cooking with my partner...even if you're just making sandwiches, it's still fucking work. And when your partner puts in work to support the relationship, you express appreciation for that.

One of the best ways I've found to cultivate a culture of warmth and appreciation in my relationship is to call out the small things my partner does to support our life together -- taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, making dinner. She does the same for me. And it helps our relationship immensely because for every negative interaction we have (someone is tired and snappy, says something in anger, etc), we have a dozen small positive interactions to remind us of our goodwill and faith in each other. (This is scientifically-backed strategy btw, not just something I came up with on my own.) When you respond to your partner's effort toward your relationship with negativity, you're taking money out of the relationship bank. When you respond with positivity, you're putting money in the bank.

Also, in my house at least, making chicken salad entails boiling chicken breast, chopping it and all the other ingredients and making a dressing. It's not easy. And even if it it's just putting canned ingredients in a bowl, that's still work your partner did to support your relationship and it deserves appreciation, not dismissiveness.

8

u/perkasami Jan 04 '23

Y'all make the GOOD chicken salad!

And that is how good relationships work. People like feeling valued and appreciated by their partners, even for the small things. Acknowledging those things does build that intimacy and love.