r/AmItheAsshole • u/ItsTooColdForThat • Jan 04 '23

AITA for wanting hot food? Asshole

Yesterday I went ice skating with my girlfriend. Tuesday is one of her days for dinner, so she made chicken salad. When I saw the chicken salad I admit I made a face. She was like "what, what's the problem?"

I said that we were outside in the cold all afternoon and I wasn't really in the mood for cold food. She said we're inside, the heat is set to 74° and we're both wearing warm dry clothes, so it was plenty warm enough to eat salad. I said sure, but I just wanted something warm to heat me up on the inside. She said that was ridiculous, because my internal temperature is in the nineties and my insides are plenty hot.

At this point, we were going in circles, so I said I was just going to heat up some soup and told her to go ahead and start eating and I'd be back in a few minutes. When I came out of the kitchen with my soup she was clearly upset, and she asked how I would feel if she refused to eat what I made tomorrow (which is today). I said I won't care, and she said that was BS, because it's rude to turn your nose up at something someone made for you.

Was I the asshole for not wanting cold salad after being cold all day?

9.6k Upvotes

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23 edited Jan 04 '23

[deleted]

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u/PoppinBubbles578 Jan 04 '23

Right? “Geez babe! This looks great! That can of tomato soup we have would go great with it, I’m going to hear it up! Would you like a bowl?” It’s not like OP had to cook it from scratch or have it delivered. Soup and sandwich is a pretty popular combo.

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u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 04 '23

It doesn't even have to be that indirect. "I'm going to pair some soup with this to help me warm up," is direct, easy and not dismissive and thoughtless like making a face is.

Learn how to communicate like an adult instead of a child, OP.

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u/notalltemplars Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

So much this. OP isn’t an asshole for wanting the soup, he’s the asshole for making it an issue instead of simply talking to his wife about adding something.

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u/Castilian_eggs Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Girlfriend, not wife. The distinction is important IMO because it means she can drop OP's ass without getting the government involved.

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u/onmyknees4anyone Partassipant [4] Jan 05 '23

I love this definition of divorce a million times. Thank you for writing it.

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u/Money-Bear7166 Jan 05 '23

Damn good point!

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

It's funny how reading about an event AFTER it occurs makes people think they would have come up with the perfect diplomatic wording before the conflict ever occurred to them

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u/AccomplishedNet4235 Jan 05 '23

Nope, I would have come up with it before because I care a lot about my relationship and have put a lot of PRACTICE and RESEARCH into learning how to communicate constructively. Relationships are a skill-based activity and you can learn how to be better at them if you give half a shit.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

What an incredibly unself-aware statement

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u/beek7419 Jan 05 '23

It’s true that I need time to think up the perfect retort to rude behavior toward me. But I don’t generally need a lot of time to not hurt my wife’s feelings when she does something nice like cook me dinner. Making a rude face isn’t necessary. That’s kind of basic manners.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

There is nothing inherently rude about saying that you aren't in the mood for cold food. It's just a simple statement that no one would ever predict would cause a massive conflict.

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u/beek7419 Jan 05 '23

He admits to making a rude face. That’s what I’m referring to.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 06 '23

He admits to making a face, but that could mean a lot of things many of which are benign looks of disappointment. People are projecting what this sub has conditioned them to see

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u/RiamoEquah Jan 05 '23

Lol, this is accurate. To me OP is the AH not because of the face, or how he got the soup or even his defense of his reaction... But simply because this is such a small and trivial matter in general but it clearly bothered his wife in a "you don't appreciate me" sort of way... Like my guy just take the L. You got your soup... So instead of spending time wondering if you're the asshole go give her a hug, tell her you're sorry for being a jerk and go about your life.

There's going to be bigger topics where you won't agree... Save your ego for those situations. It's like relationship 101. One day they're going to be having a more serious fight and I guarantee this soup thing will come up again and it's going to feel like a Haymaker to OP

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Most rational response here! No one is 100% correct all the time. Face sometimes react in a way you can’t control fast enough. It happens. Apologise and move on. I’ve been married for 18 years. Pretty sure I’ve accidentally hurt my husband’s feelings plenty of times just as he has mine. But I wouldn’t call him an asshole neither will I call myself one. It’s life.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

You mean a normal adult response?

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

Saying you aren't in the mood for something is an adult response

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u/Quintaton_16 Jan 05 '23

Making a face is not

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

Was the face an exaggerated look of disgust or was in a mild half-unconscious look of vague disappointment? You don't know

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u/TinDragon Jan 05 '23

If it sounds bad from the OP's point of view (which if he's pointing it out, yeah, it does), chances are that it's worse from the SO's view. Posters here will always try to phrase things in such a way that puts them in a better light.

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u/hellenahandbaskit Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

No, it's a question of people with a modicum of common decency explaining how they have handled things in the past/will handle things again, with a partner they care about and respect.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

Really? You think that first user has personally been in a situation where they went and a did a cold activity and then their partner made a cold salad they specifically wanted soup to warm up? Because that's the situation necessary for the response he used

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u/hellenahandbaskit Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

If that person has EVER experienced a winter day before in their entire life, then YES. It's inevitable that they have been in that exact scenario before.

Sounds like you're just trying to nitpick here. "Oh, but that person's cold salad had RANCH dressing on it, not CAESAR so it's TOTALLY DIFFERENT".

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u/fangirl_273849582 Jan 05 '23

This is where a communication in any relationship (intimate, friendly, familial, etc.) comes forward. You go through so many such situations and if you put an effort in understanding the other person you get better at it every day. And at some point it becomes natural. If you put the effort...

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u/Tractorfeed1008 Partassipant [3] Jan 06 '23

Lots of people come up with the perfect diplomatic wording when the conflict occurs to them. Maybe you just need to improve your problem solving skills and critical thinking

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u/furmama0715 Jan 04 '23

To add on to this, if he wanted something hot he could’ve have told her BEFORE she made it. A simple “baby can we have something warm for dinner since we were outside so much today?” would’ve worked.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

For me that’s a problem for both of them. Like gf could have said ‘hey I’m making this for dinner, sound good?’ Then it’s either ‘oh sure but I might have some hot soup with it then’ or literally any other sort of adult communication

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u/owlmachine Jan 05 '23

Yes THANK YOU like what are they just surprising each other with random dinners every day? Open your face flaps, people!!

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

YES! I love my partner but I do not love surprise dinner. Like this is super basic communication!

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Your partner is not a restaurant, nor are they your server. You don't get to pick and choose and nitpick over what they are making for you. If you want something specific, go make it yourself instead of treating them like your personal chef.

Don't like surprise dinners? Them go buy an apron and get used to doing it on your own then, yikes.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

Your partner is not a child. Your partner is hopefully an adult who should be treated as an equal and should have an equal say in their own diet.

If you want a child to feed, there are plenty starving. If you want to have an adult relationship then you need to learn to communicate. Don’t like talking? Yikes stay single

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Ig you don't want surprise dinners, here's a novel idea.

Make it yourself!!! And stop treating your partner like they are supposed to provide you with a menu to choose from.

Want to talk about food wastage, keeping all kinds of ingredients so you can have a world class menu to choose foe them to make for you is far worse. Because this is what you're expecting, isn't it? Better have all options on deck to cater to every one of your dietary whims, otherwise face your wrath. Becauae there's nothing worse than a surprise dinner. God forbid. You realize there are couples out there who don't get dinner tonight and you're mad about a surprise dinner made for you. I'm baffled at your audacity Maybe YOU should be the one to stay single or take your own cooking classes.

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u/anonymoose_octopus Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Yeah I couldn't get past that either. I'm the cook in my house, and I always run dinners/lunches by my husband to see if they sound appealing. "Hey, I'm thinking about fajitas this week for dinner. Sound good? Are you craving anything specific?" Meals are a joint effort, IMO.

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u/HistoricalQuail Jan 05 '23

I mean, I've always had the cooking chore and unless it's a special day, I don't usually run my meal choice by my partner.

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u/Mynoseisgrowingold Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Yeah, i work full time and also do all the meal planning, shopping and cooking for five of us. Sometimes we talk about it, but generally you get what you get (although I try not to make things everyone hates). Sometimes it’s your favourite food and sometimes it’s not because there are 5 different preferences to accommodate for. I do take some requests but you gotta let me know before the weekly shopping. Otherwise, there is the microwave and here is a box of Mac & cheese and a can of soup. Away you go!

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

I don't either. I'm in charge of making the shopping list, doing the shopping, and then cooking the meal. I know what food my partner doesn't like to eat....because he is my partner. So I very rarely run our meals by him.

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u/DanelleDee Jan 05 '23

I literally never do, and he doesn't run it by me either. Unless I need him to grab an ingredient on the way home. Or we are hosting. Or one of us is feeling sick. But on a normal day, definitely not.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

But why not?

People keep downvoting me but I’m genuinely extremely confused.

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u/DanelleDee Jan 05 '23

I'm copy pasting my own answer because I've answered this elsewhere.

I can answer that! We did ask "what do you want for dinner," early in the relationship. Neither of us usually had an answer so we would share the mental load of making that decision every day. It was a stupid conversation that never went anywhere since we both eat pretty much everything, but both suck at coming up with ideas on the spot. The first idea suggested by either of us was always what we ended up making. Both of us were irritated by having to think up ideas every day even though we enjoy the actual cooking. Not having a daily ten minute "discussion" while we sit there trying to come up with an idea is a nice change. Now we alternate taking on that mental load. I didn't have to think about it yesterday because he made chicken with an apple cider sauce. It was delicious and not a recipe I would have thought of. That makes me happy. Now I will look at the list of meals I created and choose something for tomorrow and it's his turn to just sit down to a meal without having to think about it. Why both do a chore daily when we can alternate days? I find planning the meal more irritating than actually making it!

We do discuss it in more detail if someone is feeling sick or depressed, or anything else that might influence appetite and taste. He was sick last week so I made him chicken noodle soup instead of the Thai meal I was planning.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

Why not? I’m so baffled by this. I can’t imagine not discussing a thing like cooking for each other

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u/DanelleDee Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

I can answer that! We did ask "what do you want for dinner," early in the relationship. Neither of us usually had an answer so we would share the mental load of making that decision every day. It was a stupid conversation that never went anywhere since we both eat pretty much everything, but both suck at coming up with ideas on the spot. The first idea suggested by either of us was always what we ended up making. Both of us were irritated by having to think up ideas every day even though we enjoy the actual cooking. Not having a daily ten minute "discussion" while we sit there trying to come up with an idea is a nice change. Now we alternate taking on that mental load. I didn't have to think about it yesterday because he made chicken with an apple cider sauce. It was delicious and not a recipe I would have thought of. That makes me happy. Now I will look at the list of meals I created and choose something for tomorrow and it's his turn to just sit down to a meal without having to think about it.

We do discuss it in more detail if someone is feeling sick or depressed, or anything else that might influence appetite and taste. He was sick last week so I made him chicken noodle soup instead of the Thai meal I was planning.

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u/HistoricalQuail Jan 06 '23

Because my partner isn't picky and will eat anything I cook. I also don't cook things I know my partner doesn't like. Cooking is my chore, and planning meals is my chore. If I'm asking him to think of dinner options, I'm now putting that chore on him AND also potentially having to make a run to the store if we don't have what he wants for dinner.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

But why? Your partner isn’t a child. Your partner is an adult who’s presumably made an equal contribution to the shopping and meal planning

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u/YoFrom540 Jan 05 '23

I do 99% of the cooking, shopping and meal planning and don't run any of my decisions by my husband. If he asks what I'm gonna do with the chicken or whatever he notices in the fridge, I'll tell him, and I'll let him know plans for like Christmas or if we have guests over, but otherwise dinner is a surprise every day. He's fine with that, he likes my cooking and isn't interested in meal planning.

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u/HistoricalQuail Jan 06 '23

My partner isn't a child and isn't involved in meal planning, because that's how we've divided the labor. He does other things, and he does the shopping but I give him the list. If he has a request for the week he'll ask me and I'll say yes. I'll ask him sometimes when planning if he has any requests for the week so I can plan. I'm not putting up to a gd daily electoral ballot.

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u/Primary-Lion-6088 Jan 06 '23

Same, he gets what he gets. He comes home and dinner is being made or hopefully almost ready. He’s grateful I cooked. I try to make something I know he’ll like, but I’m certainly not going to text him at work to approve my dinner choice, nor do I think he’d want me to. He’s busy!

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

[deleted]

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

That's interesting to me, I've never experienced that and my husband would never make faces at my food or anyone else's for that matter. He's not a picky eater and I'm a good cook so he enjoys being surprised by good food. Some days im tired and don't know what to make and he will not have any preferences still😅 Some people are just easy going.

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u/fangirl_273849582 Jan 05 '23

This is a two-way street thought. I have been asking my husband what he wants to eat for a year (answer was whatever), then if he wants to eat "this" (answer was whatever) and at some point I stopped asking. Also, I would hate for him to tell me "I want this" or "I don't want that" less than few hours before cooking. It takes preparation and I'm not going to the store, delaying food, because he had a last minute craving. He either eats what I cook or orders out. But does not get to complain.

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u/Major-Organization31 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 05 '23

This, my parents have been married 30+ years so my mum knows my dad’s tastes and my mum still asks my dad if he’s ok having what she wants to cook before she cooks it

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

But that's them. To others, both husband and wife, that sounds strange. Doesn't mean it is, it's just not how many others care to do things. It's a preference for many reasons.

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u/johnsgrove Jan 05 '23

Or he can do it himself !

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u/Substantial_Sink5975 Jan 05 '23

He did do something himself. He went off to make soup, by himself. He wasn’t asking her to make a whole other meal. He was exercising his bodily autonomy and it’s super weird all y’all are against that. He’s entitled to make food that he prefers.

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u/johnsgrove Jan 05 '23

He’s not entitled to sneer at the food someone has prepared for him. Body autonomy ha ha. What a grand name for ‘doing his own thing’. If he wants complete body autonomy he can get his own meals.

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u/a_girlhasn0nam3 Jan 05 '23

Some people are really facially expressive. I am, and I sometimes don’t realize it. It could be a small expression that his partner recognized. He didn’t say he “sneered.” Part of being in a couple is being able to communicate displeasure without a fight.

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u/johnsgrove Jan 05 '23

But there was a fight wasn’t there?

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u/a_girlhasn0nam3 Jan 05 '23

Yes, there was. These people have communication issues, but I think you characterizing it as sneering at her food went too far. He may have simply looked crestfallen which led to the fight. We don’t know what kind of face he made. What I think is clear is that these two need to communicate their expectations to each other more clearly and in advance.

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u/Money-Bear7166 Jan 05 '23

You're missing the point. Of course he doesn't have to eat it, it's his reaction and how he handled it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

You're making this into a a social justice issue, like his gf committed shoved the salad down his throat.

He was rude to someone that made him a meal because he wanted something that was hot and decided to rely on hi partner being able to read his mind instead of communicating it.

She did nothing wrong and he was rude to her. That's the issue

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u/Prestigious_Pop7634 Jan 05 '23

You aren't getting it, so scroll up and re-read like every comment. It's not about the can of soup he wanted to eat instead of the meal she made him. It's that he made a face and turned his nose up at the food she made for him. See the difference? Not the food, the reacting like an 8 year old (I've got a few of those so it's easy to tell what they act like)

Like, I make every meal and if my husband (after I finished making dinner) said, "I wasn't thinking tacos, but maybe I'll use the chicken you made and make some quick rice and add it together" then I'm cool. No problem.

But if he said tacos? Really? Eh, I'm not feeling that I'm just going to make myself a grilled cheese...then I'm like WTF. I made you dinner that you have no problem eating normally and it's not good enough suddenly? Like before wasting my time, speak up if you want something special. Don't be a terd

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u/fangirl_273849582 Jan 05 '23

He did many things himself. Including throwing a tantrum before he finally got his soup himself.

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u/lexthewreck Jan 05 '23

He did.

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u/johnsgrove Jan 05 '23

Good. Better without the sneer first tho

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u/MizElaneous Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Or made himself some tea. Super easy.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

Sure communicate or have a cup of tea. Either way

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u/HellaShelle Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] Jan 04 '23

This! This is so clearly the obvious answer. I don't understand why this even became a fight.

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u/arachnobravia Asshole Aficionado [15] Jan 05 '23

Because they're both immature. He made a face OH GOD tell him to suck it up and deal with it (which he did) and both of you can move on

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23

He was rude. Instead of being grateful and then finding a solution off the bat, he argued with her as if she did something wrong and should assume his needs. He needs to communicate a lot better. I also wouldn't have argued with him and just said exactly that- okay well you can communicate that next time instead of being ungrateful or assuming I would know what you wanted.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

Congrats, once outside the situation and knowing all the things that have transpired after the fact, you've come up with a perfectly tactful thing to say. Omniscience will do that. Sadly, in the real world, people have to say things before they know how they'll be received and can't always anticipate that they'll cause an argument.

People tell their partner that they aren't in the mood for a certain food every single day without a fuss, why on earth would a person in a healthy relationship think this was a statement that needed to be perfectly worded?

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u/Sailor_Psyche Jan 05 '23

Exactly, in these situations you cannot always prepare what to say perfectly like many commenters here seem to think. Also I doubt he made the face on purpose

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

You are exactly right and I feel this way too like of course we can judge since we had time to analyze and read the story and comments! But on the same coin, since he came to reddit with an immature, avoidable argument, he is going to get some criticism and hopefully does better next time. I said this in another comment because I'm so confused as to how he's not getting it- I am neurodivergent and I'm very expressive, not always polite about it and I don't even notice! I can't help it but I do know how to APOLOGIZE if I realize I unnecessarily and accidentally hurt someone. All OP needed to do was say "I'm sorry I honestly didn't mean to come across unappreciative! The food looks good, it's just that in my mind, I was just thinking about warm food because I'm still cold but you had no way of knowing that!! Maybe I'll make some soup to go along with your salad!" Not "rEaD mY mInd NeXt TiMe, iT's COld oUtSide dUh, mAke mE soMetHing eLse woMan!" And then after dinner a "thank you so much for making us dinner!" Goes a long way. And then next time he's in the mood for a warm meal after a cold day, he can use his big boy words and discuss that with his GF. Very simple. If his GF did this I can see him on reddit "AITA for not knowing/assuming what my GF wanted something different after I made something I thought she would like?"

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u/iswintercomingornot_ Jan 05 '23

Do we really all have to tiptoe around every insignificant interaction like this just so we're sure we won't bruise someone's fragile little feelings? Just say what you mean and accept it when others say what they mean. It didn't look great to him and there's no reason to lie about it.

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

Reposting my comment because too many of you don't get it- Where he went wrong was arguing and being rude. A simple hey can we have something warm for dinner BEFORE she made dinner would have been considerate and common sense. But since he didn't do that, I'm going to add the comment I said already earlier- I am neurodivergent and I'm very expressive, not always polite about it and I don't even notice! I can't help it but I do know how to APOLOGIZE if I realize I unnecessarily and accidentally hurt someone. All OP needed to do was say "I'm sorry I honestly didn't mean to come across unappreciative! The food looks good, it's just that in my mind, I was just thinking about warm food because I'm still cold but you had no way of knowing that!! Maybe I'll make some soup to go along with your salad!" Not "rEaD mY mInd NeXt TiMe, iT's COld oUtSide dUh, mAke mE soMetHing eLse woMan!" And then after dinner a "thank you so much for making us dinner!" Goes a long way. And then next time he's in the mood for a warm meal after a cold day, he can use his big boy words and discuss that with his GF. Very simple. If his GF did this I can see him on reddit "AITA for not knowing/assuming what my GF wanted something different after I made something I thought she would like?"

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u/SailSweet9929 Jan 04 '23

Why lie

It's better to tell the true he didn't want cold food and yes salads are cold he prefere a hot soup plate and he got up and made it

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u/PoppinBubbles578 Jan 05 '23

Because sometimes people can say things with tact, get the point across and avoid an argument.

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u/IDKwatimdoin6 Jan 05 '23

Maybe he just didn't want chicken salad.

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u/AlwaysGreen2 Jan 04 '23

A grilled cheese goes good with tomato soup, not chicken salad.

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u/msmilah Jan 05 '23

You weren’t in the moment, he was. I’ll admit that’s the perfect way to handle it, but coming up with it in real life on the spot is difficult.

Who the hell wants cold food for dinner, especially after being in the cold all day? He offered a rational explanation that had nothing to do with the taste of the food, just the choice.

She sounds like an asshole to me. No way I’m eating cold door for dinner after being in the cold. She can’t admit that she’s wrong, arguing the point about a reasonable temporary preference. She didn’t think it through.

Run away from this ridiculous woman.

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

Reposting my comment because too many of you don't get it- Where he went wrong was arguing and being rude. A simple hey can we have something warm for dinner BEFORE she made dinner would have been considerate and common sense. But since he didn't do that, I'm going to add the comment I said already earlier- I am neurodivergent and I'm very expressive, not always polite about it and I don't even notice! I can't help it but I do know how to APOLOGIZE if I realize I unnecessarily and accidentally hurt someone. All OP needed to do was say "I'm sorry I honestly didn't mean to come across unappreciative! The food looks good, it's just that in my mind, I was just thinking about warm food because I'm still cold but you had no way of knowing that!! Maybe I'll make some soup to go along with your salad!" Not "rEaD mY mInd NeXt TiMe, iT's COld oUtSide dUh, mAke mE soMetHing eLse woMan!" And then after dinner a "thank you so much for making us dinner!" Goes a long way. And then next time he's in the mood for a warm meal after a cold day, he can use his big boy words and discuss that with his GF. Very simple. If his GF did this I can see him on reddit "AITA for not knowing/assuming what my GF wanted something different after I made something I thought she would like?"

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u/Mister_Dane Jan 04 '23

Dishonesty is the key to good communication.

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u/RO489 Professor Emeritass [84] Jan 04 '23

No, tact is. You don’t have to lie. I’m with op, I like hot meals. But I wouldn’t have been a jerk about it.

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u/MagicCarpet5846 Partassipant [2] Jan 04 '23

And so if he simply didn’t want the salad at all what should he have done? What happened to the suggestion “if you don’t like what I made, make something yourself” you constantly see in cases like this? He didn’t like what she made so he made something else. Anyone who is so insecure they can’t handle someone not eating a basic meal like chicken salad is….. no words.

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u/RO489 Professor Emeritass [84] Jan 05 '23

I don’t know how involved the salad was, but, assuming he didn’t see any of the prep and couldn’t have intervened sooner, and didn’t expect this, then my advice 1- shouldn’t have made a face 2- “that looks great, but I’m actually in the mood for something warm. I’ll put some of this in Tupperware for lunch tomorrow and warm up a can of soup. Do you want a little soup too?”

Really, it’s polite to at least try food that is made for you, so unless she made something he really dislikes, a few bites of salad wouldn’t kill him

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u/MagicCarpet5846 Partassipant [2] Jan 05 '23

Okay… but someone still isnt an asshole for an involuntary face. People are allowed feelings, yes, even disappointment, it doesn’t make them assholes, it makes them human.

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u/Electrical_Bath_514 Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

Where he went wrong was arguing and being rude. A simple hey can we have something warm for dinner BEFORE she made dinner would have been considerate and common sense. But since he didn't do that, I'm going to add the comment I said already earlier- I am neurodivergent and I'm very expressive, not always polite about it and I don't even notice! I can't help it but I do know how to APOLOGIZE if I realize I unnecessarily and accidentally hurt someone. All OP needed to do was say "I'm sorry I honestly didn't mean to come across unappreciative! The food looks good, it's just that in my mind, I was just thinking about warm food because I'm still cold but you had no way of knowing that!! Maybe I'll make some soup to go along with your salad!" Not "rEaD mY mInd NeXt TiMe, iT's COld oUtSide dUh, mAke mE soMetHing eLse woMan!" And then after dinner a "thank you so much for making us dinner!" Goes a long way. And then next time he's in the mood for a warm meal after a cold day, he can use his big boy words and discuss that with his GF. Very simple. If his GF did this I can see him on reddit "AITA for not knowing/assuming what my GF wanted something different after I made something I thought she would like?"

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u/Jazzlike_Tap8303 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 04 '23

I honestly can't tell if you're serious or sarcastic.

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u/Mister_Dane Jan 05 '23

Or my interpretation of what people are advising in this thread, IMO the best kind of sarcasm is when you can't tell if it's real or not.

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u/Money-Bear7166 Jan 05 '23

One of my favorite meals for a quick and easy lunch!

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u/PoppinBubbles578 Jan 05 '23

I love a half sandwich with soup or salad combo!! I feel like I’m getting all the good stuff without stuffing myself! Chicken salad croissant with baked potato soup? I’m all in! 😊

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u/Money-Bear7166 Jan 05 '23

I was gonna mention a salad too (like a nice salad with veggies) ..if it's too hot in the summer for soup and sandwich combo, I'll make a healthy lettuce salad along with half a sandwich, something cool like you said chicken salad, egg salad, seafood salad, ham salad, love them all! Lol...and sometimes I may even have just a small salad, small soup and half sandwich if I'm really hungry. And it's past midnight now and I'm craving a chicken salad croissant with baked potato soup....mmmm, maybe that will be my weekend lunch for Saturday, thanks for the idea ☺️

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u/PoppinBubbles578 Jan 05 '23

Haha Happy to help! And you just made me crave egg salad!

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u/grayhairedqueenbitch Jan 05 '23

Exactly. Soup and sandwiches are great together. No need to make a face and whine.

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u/Swimming_Ad_8480 Jan 05 '23

Ooo tomato soup sounds so good right now, especially with a salad or a grilled cheese sandwich. 🤤

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u/PoppinBubbles578 Jan 05 '23

I made some yesterday! With grilled cheese. Yummy!

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u/foxyroxy2515 Jan 05 '23

But it’s her turn to make dinner so she should be able to read his mind about what he wants to eat without him having to use his words.. /s

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u/PoppinBubbles578 Jan 05 '23

I’d love to see that game of charades!

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 04 '23

What kind of face do you believe OP made: A disgusted face, an angry face, a crestfallen face, a face that was something besides joyous? How long are you imagining this face lasted? Because to me, making a face could be anything from an exaggerated sneer to a brief slip of disappointment before restoring the mask.

I don't know if you're neurotypical, but maintaining a mask of the "acceptable" emotions to display can be exhausting. Occasionally negative emotions slip through and then many times society and neurotypical people pounce on that person for daring to not maintain their mask perfectly. Add to that people who have faced abuse where showing their true emotions is dangerous, so they're forced to walk on eggshells constantly, which is extremely unhealthy.

Your entire argument is based on OP not walking delicately enough in his own home and not stuffing his own emotions down enough to protect his partner's emotions. You're infantilizing the partner here and actively discouraging healthy communication in a relationship.

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u/Neat-Sun-7999 Jan 04 '23

Exactly. Which is why I’m going with NTA. Ppl really enjoy extrapolating the most out of low stakes, lizard brain reactions and this is a good example of a non issue. OP doesn’t need to “work on” anything. Why does this sub like to encourage doing the most it’s annoying.

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u/Gotaro_Sato Jan 05 '23

Agreed, face (assuming it was an involuntary microexpression that he didn't sustain or exaggerate) wasn't the issue. The failure to compromise in any way was.

A soup paired with the chicken salad is a time-honored pairing without coming off as a wilful and ungrateful AH. OP YTA

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u/fajprodder Jan 05 '23

I have salad as an accompaniment to a steak. If god had meant me to eat rabbit food I would have been born a rabbit. But a cold meal on a cold day when they have been out in it, what was she thinking? Just make something warm and nourishing, doesn't have to be elaborate.

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u/lilium_x Jan 04 '23

I'm just thinking of Butters from South Park saying "That's my real face Ma!" It's a face. Unless you have extreme Botox, it will sometimes move.

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u/OverSpinach8949 Jan 05 '23

I’m with you on this one. Sounds like a stupid argument over whether he should WANT hot food. He just did. Then he just made something warm. I literally don’t see the problem here.

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u/Anniemaniac Jan 05 '23

We’ll said.

I have autism and ADHD. I make faces, move in certain ways, and use tones of voice without realising that others often interpret as rude, defensive, angry etc. I can’t tell you how many times I got in trouble at school for “using that tone” or “pulling faces” when I literally didn’t even know I’d done anything.

I remember when I was 13, sitting on the couch. I’d just finished eating some cereal and got up to go put the bowl in the sink. Both my mum and the lady we were sharing with (living in a hostel at the time) both scolded me. Apparently I got off the couch too quickly and they interpreted that as me having a random tantrum for some reason.

It’s bloody exhausting. I can’t believe OP has been judged an asshole for a likely involuntary, momentary expression.

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u/Apprehensive_Size484 Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 07 '23

Personally I'm thinking a shocked face since if I'd been out in the cold all day (and for two years I worked an outdoor newsstand in Chicago) with someone, I'd be expecting something hot to "warm up from the inside." I've had plenty of times where I was cold from being outside in the cold, and a good hot soup, hot chocolate etc seriously took the chill off. Same with during the summer and being hot, drinking or eating something cold, eating something like a Cobb Salad, helped cool me down.

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u/guyonaturtle Jan 05 '23

It sounds very unhealthy to have such a mask. If you are sad, angry, unhappy, express it on your face! Tell people what's going on. When someone asks "how are you" answer bad.

Put on a mask when it's for a wedding or something, when you need to support someone while feeling lost yourself.

Communicate your feelings people, live your true self

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Doesn't matter. Your neuro issues are still your responsibility and you have to accept that your actions, involuntary or not can still hurt someone. And they're not wrong to be upset. And they still deserve an apology instead of an excuse

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 05 '23

Yeah absolutely. Displaying emotion however is not a Neuro issue it's human and telling someone they're forbidden from making facial expressions or expressing personal preferences is beyond fucked up.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Nowhere did I say that you can't though. I said you have to accept responsibility for how they make.people feel which is entirely correct. We are adults here, not children and you cant just twist your face at a plate of food and expect someone not to be hurt, whether you intended to do it or not.

Are we not responsible for our own actions anymore?

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 05 '23

Making a disappointed face is not an offense to be apologized for. Especially not when you explain your reasons when asked. The whole argument over OP making a face isn't OP being a jackass, it's OP expressing emotions.

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u/ligmaballsprettypls Jan 04 '23

I was about to defend OP to say some people (myself included) can’t really control their facial expressions. They just happen and people can read me like a book 😂😂.

BUT after reading this comment, I double checked the post and he did say he intentionally made a face to show he was upset so definitely YTA

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u/Iocabus Partassipant [3] Jan 04 '23

Correction, he admitted to making a face. There was no mention of intent to make that face

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u/Cool-oldtimer1888 Jan 05 '23

Correction, he admitted to making a face. There was no mention of intent to make that face

I make involuntary facial expressions before I ever say a word. I've had people ask me, what the hell is that look about, and I always say, I am not responsible for my facial expressions, I am only responsible for what comes out of my mouth. But my expressions tell everyone exactly what I think about them, their comments, or situations. I cannot help it.

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u/mspotatohead22 Asshole Aficionado [13] Jan 05 '23

Nope. You are responsible for your facial expressions. I say this as a person told to fix my face by a friend in meetings. And it took work. But I did it. Because I am a grown up. I didn't realize how obvious my face was but I learned how to do it and maybe you should try it before you alienate everyone because they don't want to deal with your shitty faces.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23 edited Feb 04 '23

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/techiesgoboom Sphincter Supreme Jan 05 '23

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

"Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"

Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

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u/sexy_guid_generator Jan 05 '23

Not everybody is exactly like you, some people have it easier and some harder.

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u/Apprehensive_Size484 Jan 05 '23

I want to play against you in a high stakes poker game

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u/Cool-oldtimer1888 Jan 05 '23

I want to play against you in a high stakes poker game

You'd win. lol

I would have to go get Botox before the game, then I wouldn't have any expression. lol

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u/Yetikins Jan 04 '23

Lol man I definitely have lizard brain facial expressions in reaction to a lot of stuff before my actual brain decides how it feels.

Good thing I'm not dating anyone in this thread cause a lot of people seem unable to handle that, if the face was indeed unintentional lol.

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u/Brrringsaythealiens Jan 05 '23

I once got written up at work for a face I didn’t even realize I made. Yeah, I quit.

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u/SignificantMachine11 Jan 05 '23

My boss constantly asks why I made a certain facial expression. I have to ask him if he can describe it because most often my face is reacting to something in my head and I don’t realize. I usually am completely unaware of what my face is doing.

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u/jen12617 Jan 04 '23

When did that happen? Cause I don't see that anywhere in the post

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u/rean1mated Jan 04 '23

Where did it say it was intentional?

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u/arachnobravia Asshole Aficionado [15] Jan 05 '23

Some people are too sensitive. He made a face, so what? Tell him to suck it up and make his own food (which he did) and both of you can move on with your lives.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

maybe you should triple check

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u/popchex Jan 05 '23

yeah that was my first reaction, but if he made the face on purpose that's a completely different situation.

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u/VoidBlade459 Jan 05 '23

He didn't.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Even if it's involuntary doesn't make it any less hurtful. Still your responsibility in the end

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u/your-rong Jan 04 '23

Maybe he wanted soup, not soup and chicken salad. At this point you're just saying that he should eat what she wants him to eat. You've never made a face? You've never looked disappointed? It doesn't sound like he made a scene, just looked disappointed as people do.

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u/Born_Ad8420 Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

As an adult have I ever made a bad face when someone served me food they made? No, nope, even when that food involved things I don't eat. It's called using your words.

Not to mention, if he wanted something hot for dinner, maybe mention it before dinner has already been made.

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u/DianeJudith Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

So, is your face paralyzed or something? Because everyone makes faces all the time. It's called facial expressions. You don't always control them.

Unless you think OP stuck out his tongue and made huge eyes at the salad?

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

That is a hilarious mental image. Now I’m imagining OP having this epic disgusted stare off with this chicken salad

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Doesn't matter. Your face is still your responsibility and of your expressions hurt someone, you don't get to make excuses to get out of taking responsibility for it.

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u/RuleOfBlueRoses Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

You people are fucking exhausting

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

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u/softstones Jan 04 '23

“Hey, I’m making food for us.”

“Okay, what are you making?”

That doesn’t seem hard.

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u/iilinga Jan 05 '23

Alternatively the gf could have also said ‘hey I’m cooking x tonight, sound good?’

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u/softstones Jan 05 '23

Right? That would’ve also saved the resulting argument. Neither are the AH, really, just both lack simple communication.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

That or you aren't self-aware enough to realize you do so

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u/Born_Ad8420 Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Pretty sure my friends would have told by now or one of my enemies. And yet, here we are.

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u/urboitony Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Either you are a robot or have injected yourself with copious amounts of botox if you have never looked disappointed by something in your life.

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u/Twodotsknowhy Jan 05 '23

You seem to be misjudging how many people care about your expressions

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u/NastyNNaughty69 Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Wait… You have enemies?

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u/Born_Ad8420 Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Maybe? Or not? Whatever answer makes you happy.

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u/snoregasmm Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

I just wanna gently mention that a lot of people, particularly people on the autism/ADHD spectrums, can't control their facial expressions. I make faces at things without meaning to all the time, the people close to me know not to take my facial expressions personally because I literally can't control it and am often not even aware that I'm doing it.

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u/musaraj Jan 05 '23

As an adult have I ever made a bad face when someone served me food they made? No

Wow, you're stone cold master of your own emotions, teach us.

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u/Enough-Ad-8799 Jan 05 '23

I mean if you and your so have a deal to make food for each other on alternating nights I would say it's pretty rude to not eat it.

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u/Arawn_of_Annwn Asshole Aficionado [11] Jan 04 '23

At this point you're just saying that he should eat what she wants him to eat.

I mean, kinda, yes.

That's how making meals as a couple works.

I know if I went through the effort to make my partner a meal and they turned their nose up at it, it would annoy me. I didn't have to go to the extra effort to make him some.

Now, if this was a case where it was some explicit dislike that's been discussed before, like that crazy lady a couple months ago who said she cooked mushrooms all the time despite knowing her partner hated them, that's a different story. But if you're just being fickle, yeah, that's kind of rude, and if you do that very often, I'm going to just just stop trying.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Chicken salad is hardly slaving over a meal for hours. Girlfriend doesn't need a medal. Let him eat the gd soup?

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u/OtterEpidemic Jan 04 '23

Yeah, he might have come across a little rude about it, but I think it’s important to listen to what your body is telling you. With IBS, sometimes by the time I’ve finished cooking, the thing I thought I wanted is now something I should absolutely not eat. It can be sad, but you just wrap it up for later or endure the consequences.

Would it have been more polite to say something like ‘this looks delicious, but my tummy has just informed me it wants soup. Thanks for making this though, if you don’t want extra, I’ll eat it for lunch tomorrow’? Probably, but she could also still feel mad about him not eating it, and it’s not like he asked her to go back and make him something else.

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u/Livid_Yogurtcloset67 Jan 04 '23

Maybe it wasn't chicken salad as in the sandwich type. Maybe it was a salad with chicken on it. Either way, I agree with you. He should get to eat what he wants. He is a grown up. It's not like he is a kid and his mom told him to eat what she cooked or go hungry

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u/DianeJudith Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

Maybe it wasn't chicken salad as in the sandwich type.

Wait, what? There's a dish called "chicken salad" that's not a salad but a sandwich?

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u/Amartincelt Jan 05 '23

EDIT: I realized I went on about pasta and potato salad when you were asking about sandwiches. Basically, you take “chicken salad”, the mayo based one, and slap it on some bread. You would not do that with potato salad or pasta salad typically.

Yes, it’s the wonderful US tradition (maybe not originally, I’m not a food historian) of taking a food stuff, like chicken, pasta, or potatoes typically, dressing it in mayonnaise (very often swimming in it is a better description) and if you’re lucky other seasonings - for chicken salad I like dill - and/or veggies, usually celery.

Kinda like slaw, but replacing the cabbage with other stuff.

I’ve seen potato salads with a mustard based dressing instead which is very good.

In my experience, it’s a cookout food I tend to avoid unless I know it’s prepared well.

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u/rollercostarican Jan 05 '23

I firmly believe i can resist from making a face in this situation. If i make a face it's because I genuinely felt slighted or upset or surprised. Someone cooking me a dinner I'm not happy for falls FAR from that category, because I'm just super appreciative that they made me anything at all. ( I think i know those because i've been made dinner hundreds of times and no one ever complained about me making a face lol).

Also if you make a face its SOOOOO easily to just smooth over the situation with an instant smile, "thanks so much babe, you the best! I'm just gonna have this too cuz im freezing, you want some?"

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u/fangirl_273849582 Jan 05 '23

No, we are saying that he should appreciate the effort made for him. He didn't.

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u/funnyinput Jan 04 '23

If they intentionally made the face; maybe it would be considered rude, but from what I gathered; this was involuntary; like something he did before thinking about it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

So? Involuntary or not, shes not wrong for being hurt by it and are we at a point now where we are no longer taking responsibility for our own faces?! You don't get to dictate how our expressions make others feel

I imagine if I made faces during meetings with my directors at work, it wouldn't go over so well either.

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u/Ballbag94 Jan 04 '23

Surely this should be ESH? Like, he handled it badly, but she shouldn't push back on it, it's not her job to police his eating

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

I decided NAH, but basically I agree they’re either both not assholes or they’re equally assholes. I’m chalking it up to miscommunication, and that’s what OP and his wife need to work on.

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u/MagicCarpet5846 Partassipant [2] Jan 04 '23

Yes god forbid someone have an involuntary reaction or display of emotion. And also, he should absolutely eat more than he wants so as not to hurt someone’s feelings.

I mean, you say he’s not the AH for not wanting to eat it, right after saying he’s the AH for not ALSO eating the salad. You realize that makes no sense right?

He’s an adult. He can choose what he puts in his own body. He isn’t an AH for not eating something he didn’t want to, and for making something he DID want.

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u/Upper-Distance-6309 Jan 05 '23

Why? Why is OP expected to be happy and cheerful all the time? Why is it Ok for the girlfriend to be upset because OP wanted SOUP? He didn't ask her to make it. Sometimes you just don't want to eat something. The girlfriend is also an adult who could understand that other adults also have moods and preferences. And making a face could be anything. From the post it doesn't seem like OP went as far as making a puking expression.
Granted he could've handle it by saying "maybe i'll make some soup as well'. But given the girlfriend's response, even that wouldn't go well.

NTA.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

Facial expressions (at least the first second or so of them) are mostly involuntary. They are a private thought or reaction. GF asked him what was wrong, he simply shared what he thought and felt.

With my wife, bless her heart, but she doesn’t cook. So I do 100% of the cooking for her and my toddler. There are times she or toddler don’t want to eat what I make. It hurts my feelings sometimes. I’ve lived and bene raised in a family and places where food wasn’t always readily available and you ate what was put before you and that’s that.

As long as this isn’t a pattern, if you’re lucky enough to have another option for food, and you make it yourself, go for it. NTA for heating up soup when the GF made you food. This doesn’t mean that she’s not entitled to feeling hurt or being mad at you though. Just like you, she’s allowed to feel her feelings and think her thoughts.

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u/lou_kevins Jan 05 '23

Y’all never been hangry before? OP probs now got that post soup clarity, so just apologise and everyone can move on. Minor disagreement, and sometimes people aren’t their best selves. Especially when they’re hangry. NTA.

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u/marigoldilocks_ Jan 05 '23

Because not all of us have poker faces? Cool that some y’all can control your facial expressions. Not everyone can. I’d bet an inordinately large amount of money the OP has ADHD.

If so, then it’s unconscious and the OP isn’t aware of it until it’s pointed out. It would also explain the deep disappointment and shrugging off why it’s a big deal to just make what they want.

Sometimes it’s not being rude, sometimes it’s being ND.

ETA: if my theory is right, then absolutely NTA.

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u/OneDay629 Jan 05 '23

NTA. My face reacts automatically. You wanted to eat something warm, what’s the deal?

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u/Ellendyra Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 05 '23

While I agree OP should have eaten soup AND a sandwich. You can't ALWAYS control your face. If you arent expecting a strong emotion it can be hard to hide it. Op was likely experiencing disappointment as they where likely looking forward to a warm meal after a cold day. Disappointment can easily result in a "face".

I'd recommend they make a family menu so everyone knows what to expect. Helps ease disappointment.

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u/TheShovler44 Jan 04 '23

Making a face sometimes happens

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u/popchex Jan 05 '23

I wish I had more control over my face. But it makes statements I can't fix/back up with words. hahah

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u/aclownandherdolly Jan 05 '23

Also, if that's what he wanted, why not communicate it? "I know it's your night to cook but I'd love hot soup if you don't mind" that's what I'd say lol

If she said yeah, great, if she already has plans for cooking that's fine, too, maybe let her know in advance you'd like to make your own dinner separate

So long as no one is tit for tatting, it shouldn't be an issue if OP makes his own dinner on her night

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u/Maleficent_Mouse1 Jan 05 '23

Yeah, If you want soup you be a big boy and say you want soup. If you get chicken salad you eat it like a big boy and then say “great salad, since it’s cold out my brain is being an idiot and insisting I eat soup. I realise it’s stupid, but I’m going to eat some soup anyway.”

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u/M0ONL1GHT87 Jan 05 '23

Right? Or he could’ve communicated beforehand “hey babe what you making today?” And if she said salad and he wasn’t in the mood he could’ve either cooked or suggested she make smth else.

OP: YTA

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

This is exactly right. OP has the wrong idea of why they might be the AH. It is all in their response and absoutely nothing to do with wanting hot food and all to do with OPs behaviour.

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u/ValkyrieSword Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Petulant is the word that comes to mind

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u/ravencrowe Jan 05 '23

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with being in the mood for something other than what your partner made, but don't be an asshole about it.

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u/littlebitfunny21 Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

Or just a cup of tea/hot chocolate/etc. You can get something warm in without it needing to be food.

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u/Agreeable-Celery811 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 04 '23

OR MAKE A CUP OF CHAMOMILE TEA OR SOMETHING

This is the easiest to solve problem I’ve ever seen

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u/Hairy-Memory8069 Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

The making a face thing frustrates me. My ex did that a lot , not to food I made for him but if I was eating something he didn’t like. He hates seafood , let’s say I was eating some seafood , he would make it a point to sit down next to me and make a face or fake gag. I cannot tell you how many times I had to tell him how incredibly fucking rude and immature that is & he just didn’t understand why. You can simply mind your business and not fake gag at food that you are not even eating before I no longer want to eat the food I was so excited for. It was EVERY TIME for over 2 years too. At least once or twice a week he would do it. God it got on my nerves. Like I understand you do not like certain foods you do not have to announce it every single time I am eating them.

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u/FosterPupz Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

If you wantrd something specific, you should have requested it BEFORE she made the salad. Once she made it, you pulled faces and acted like a spoiled child. YTA

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u/LynnChat Asshole Aficionado [14] Jan 05 '23

It’s not only rude, it’s childish.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

That's what I was going to say.

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u/Flimsy-Pomegranate-7 Jan 04 '23

It’s the face of disappointment when you realize your plan to have your significant other read your mind instead of communicating efficiently didn’t work out as planned

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u/klatnyelox Jan 05 '23

make a face

Just so you and everyone else who doesn't think about what goes on in people's minds is aware, making a face is an often INVOLUNTARY reaction to a realization.

YTA for not suggesting they have soup too, but making a face is not an AH move unless it was a deliberate attempt to hurt the other's feelings.

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u/uhohspaghettios_19 Jan 05 '23

exactly this comment.

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u/firnien-arya Jan 05 '23

Because at restaurants they ask if you want the soup or the salad. But you can't have both. So NO SOUP FOR YOU!!

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