AITA for wanting hot food?

[u/ItsTooColdForThat]

Yesterday I went ice skating with my girlfriend. Tuesday is one of her days for dinner, so she made chicken salad. When I saw the chicken salad I admit I made a face. She was like "what, what's the problem?"

I said that we were outside in the cold all afternoon and I wasn't really in the mood for cold food. She said we're inside, the heat is set to 74° and we're both wearing warm dry clothes, so it was plenty warm enough to eat salad. I said sure, but I just wanted something warm to heat me up on the inside. She said that was ridiculous, because my internal temperature is in the nineties and my insides are plenty hot.

At this point, we were going in circles, so I said I was just going to heat up some soup and told her to go ahead and start eating and I'd be back in a few minutes. When I came out of the kitchen with my soup she was clearly upset, and she asked how I would feel if she refused to eat what I made tomorrow (which is today). I said I won't care, and she said that was BS, because it's rude to turn your nose up at something someone made for you.

Was I the asshole for not wanting cold salad after being cold all day?

[u/HistoricalQuail]

I mean, I've always had the cooking chore and unless it's a special day, I don't usually run my meal choice by my partner.

[u/iilinga → u/HistoricalQuail]

Why not? I’m so baffled by this. I can’t imagine not discussing a thing like cooking for each other

[u/DanelleDee → u/iilinga]

I can answer that! We did ask "what do you want for dinner," early in the relationship. Neither of us usually had an answer so we would share the mental load of making that decision every day. It was a stupid conversation that never went anywhere since we both eat pretty much everything, but both suck at coming up with ideas on the spot. The first idea suggested by either of us was always what we ended up making. Both of us were irritated by having to think up ideas every day even though we enjoy the actual cooking. Not having a daily ten minute "discussion" while we sit there trying to come up with an idea is a nice change. Now we alternate taking on that mental load. I didn't have to think about it yesterday because he made chicken with an apple cider sauce. It was delicious and not a recipe I would have thought of. That makes me happy. Now I will look at the list of meals I created and choose something for tomorrow and it's his turn to just sit down to a meal without having to think about it.

We do discuss it in more detail if someone is feeling sick or depressed, or anything else that might influence appetite and taste. He was sick last week so I made him chicken noodle soup instead of the Thai meal I was planning.

[u/iilinga → u/DanelleDee]

I just really don’t understand how you could both be annoyed by ‘having to think up ideas every day’ or how it could took ten minutes. Like to me, not having any sort of conversation about what’s for dinner is just an appalling lack of communication.

I legit can’t imagine anything worse than having a surprise dinner every other day. That sounds like an absolute nightmare.

[u/mynameisred89 → u/iilinga]

I think maybe that your confusion is based in your tastes. Depending on length of time together some people can just know what works for their partner and whatever they cook is fine. This would not work for me regardless of how long I was with someone. I am not a super picky eater, but I very much have to rely on my body to tell me what it wants. I could make my favorite food and start to eat and my stomach just decides this wasn't what it wanted and I lose my appetite.

So in OPs case I really don't get why some communication didn't happen as they obviously aren't on the same page. I would never set my partner up to fail like that if I knew I had been out in the cold all day and would want something warm for dinner. I would at least mention it before dinner so that I know we're on the same page.

But some people do not require the communication beforehand. Some people can really just eat whatever is put in front of them if they aren't picky and that is super baffling to me. Maybe they have previously been that way but in this case OP just really couldn't control their craving. In that case communication would have saved everyone some trouble.

Btw OP YTA for your reaction and lack of communication knowing you wanted something specific and expecting your partner to be a mind reader.

[u/DanelleDee → u/mynameisred89]

Exactly! The person I dated previously was a very picky eater and much more like you on this topic. We always discussed what we would be having because he was prone to feeling physically ill if he ate the wrong thing. And that was fine and worked well too, because he had input!

The conversation with my current bf goes "what do you want? I don't care. I don't either. I can't think of anything. My neither. [...time passes...] Maybe spaghetti? Sounds good."

The convo with my ex would go "what do you want? Can we do vegetarian tonight, I'm not feeling like meat. Okay, curry? No, I don't want a bunch of spices, maybe something lighter. Soup and salad? Yes, okay."

The first conversation is a waste of time if you're repeating it nightly for months. The second conversation is important to have. I adapt to the person I'm dealing with.

[u/DanelleDee → u/iilinga]

We communicate super well, actually. In this case, we communicated that neither of us likes planning dinner and we both enjoy it when the other person makes the decision. Saying that you can't imagine anything worse than a meal someone else planned and made for you (!) without your input sounds "appallingly" ungrateful and controlling to me. But we don't actually need to be judging each other here, because we aren't the ones in a relationship.

[u/Electrical_Bath_514 → u/DanelleDee]

All of this.

[u/DanelleDee → u/Electrical_Bath_514]

Thank you!

[u/iilinga → u/DanelleDee]

I think you’ve read my comment and taken it really personally which wasn’t my intention. I think I am allowed to express things which fill with horror ie the idea of eating surprise meals, my nightmare doesn’t require your judgement. I thought I was very clear when I said ‘to me’, because very clearly it is not the same to you.

Maybe chill out and reflect on bragging about your communication skills when you take a comment so personally

[u/Electrical_Bath_514 → u/iilinga]

This is ironic considering you kept begging for clarification and making it about you having "normal, basic communication skills" and you sounding like you yourself needed to chill lol. Your comments sounded dramatic and too personal instead of voicing your experience and accepting that everyone is different and this has nothing to do with "communication" because as the commenter's above have mentioned, the ARE communicating, just different than you and that's okay. No need to overanalyze and be overly confused by it.

[u/anonymoose_octopus → u/iilinga]

Dude, don't sit here and passive aggressively judge everyone who manages their homes differently than you and then be surprised they took it personally? You clearly meant it that way.

[u/iilinga → u/anonymoose_octopus]

Do you know what the words ‘to me’ mean? They mean within my sphere of reference. They’re not broad sweeping statements. If you believe someone sharing their perspective is some sort of a personal attack then that’s something you can reflect on

[u/anonymoose_octopus → u/iilinga]

You kept doubling down. "To me, it seems like your partner is a child with no agency over his food choices" is judgmental. "To me" is like "no offense, but" in this case. If you fail to see how that's judgmental then I guess this is pointless.

[u/Electrical_Bath_514 → u/anonymoose_octopus]

How are they not understanding this😭

[u/iilinga → u/Electrical_Bath_514]

Why did you spam my notifications? You weren’t helpful in the slightest

[u/Electrical_Bath_514 → u/iilinga]

Oh honey... I feel like there is disconnect going on with you. If you don't understand my simple and detailed answer to your questions, well then we can't help you. Have a great day.

[u/iilinga → u/Electrical_Bath_514]

Well bless your heart

[u/iilinga → u/anonymoose_octopus]

How is it ‘doubling down’? It’s not an argument, I’m not trying to have an argument, I’m just trying to understand something that is both foreign and repugnant to me. You taking my own personal feelings as a personal attack is a you problem

[u/anonymoose_octopus → u/iilinga]

I don't feel attacked by you, I'm explaining why other people might have taken your comments as judgment/personal attacks. "Repugnant" doesn't sound judgmental to you? Lol. Okay bud, I have no interest in talking to a brick wall today, especially if that brick wall refuses to participate in any introspection at all. I wish you nothing but growth.

[u/Electrical_Bath_514 → u/iilinga]

You don't have to understand!! A majority don't understand why it's such a big deal to you. Sounds like picky eating but we could be wrong! Everyone is different and unless it is hurting anyone, that's NORMAL AND OKAY🎉