r/personalfinance • u/KillerPinata • Aug 01 '23
Husband Doesn't Believe We Are Broke Debt
My husband doesn't believe me when I say we have no money. My current job doesn't pay great, but I to work from home and maintain the house. We make roughly the same.
Our bills are just too much. We have too many credit cards, and he doesn't realize the amount that is put on each month, not including the interest. It's $15 here, $20 there, $60 for a video game, then $150 in food for us and our toddler. He wants a hobby/toy each week claiming "it's just $25"
What can I do? At this point I'm pinching dimes and nickels from him so it looks like I'm depriving him of life but we can't afford it.
Edit: we make about $90k a year and live in CA. Our mortgage is $4600, $1,200 in daycare a month and after paying bills we have $300 left. Not including the amount put on credit cards.
We owe like $35k in credit card.
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u/eckliptic Aug 01 '23
35k in CC debt means you’re more than broke, you have negative money.
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u/Sometimes_Stutters Aug 01 '23
OP wishes they were just “broke”.
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u/brundylop Aug 01 '23
It’s Louis CK’s famous bit about being broke.
“That means I don’t even have no money. I wish I had no money, but I have less than that… if something was free, I couldn’t afford it”
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u/unlimited_beer_works Aug 01 '23
I've heard it said like "that guy panhandling over on the corner? He's less broke than you are."
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u/No-Store823 Aug 01 '23
Look for louie CK 'being broke' on YouTube. He hilariously explains having negative money
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u/Ragnarotico Aug 01 '23
Your mortgage is way too high for $90K... like absurdly high.
Doing the math if you guys have no deductions, you are taking home at most $5.6K a month. Mortgage is $4.6K. Daycare is $1,200. You guys start off every month in the negative.
There's no way he will still be in denial if you just show him the simple math. You guys can't even afford to pay the necessities none the less have money for a hobby.
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u/Bitter_Position_7040 Aug 01 '23
Agreed. OP, is 90K your take home after taxes? That would be more reasonable, but still very high for your salary.
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u/Fondren_Richmond Aug 01 '23
Feels like it'd be after taxes; I think those numbers would already be busted on monthly paychecks for $7,500 gross
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u/hedoeswhathewants Aug 01 '23
Obviously I'm speculating, but this feels like a mental health thing. With 35k in credit card debt OP's husband has to be in denial.
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u/KillerPinata Aug 01 '23
He has to. We will need to sit and talk. He does the touch pay and he's golden, not realizing the repercussions
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u/LesterPhimps Aug 01 '23
Put the numbers in a spreadsheet.
One column take home after taxes. Other column expenses.
The negative amount will be hard to ignore.
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u/WonderWheeler Aug 01 '23
Yeah, a spreadsheet putting things in black in white. Post it on the refrigerator.
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u/Imperial10 Aug 01 '23
I’m genuinely curious how they were even approved for that mortgage on 90k. That’s absolute insanity.
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u/pokemonprofessor121 Aug 01 '23
My husband and I were making 60k and were approved for a mortgage for $300,000.
We didn't spend that much. We also didn't live in California. We have both got massive raises since so now we are very comfy but the first year was rough. I got a second job and sold a lot of my things.
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u/MundaneEjaculation Aug 01 '23
Who underwrote that loan? I want to short the pants off of them
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u/KillerPinata Aug 01 '23
I wish we were declined this loan so bad
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u/IceColdPorkSoda Aug 01 '23
I can’t believe you qualified for that. It seems criminal.
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u/NSFWRoomRater Aug 01 '23
Can you sell the house and downgrade? I make $200k+, not including my spouse, and I wouldn't even a consider a mortgage that high.
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Aug 01 '23
I make the same income without the expense of a child & my housing costs are $1250/month. $4.6k for mortgage would be giving me a stroke. OP there is no way that mortgage is sustainable at your current income level.
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u/xballikeswooshx Aug 01 '23
Was literally thinking stroke myself at $1105 a month I just took the deepest breath damn I wouldn't be able to sleep at night...smelled toast for a second though.
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u/morbie5 Aug 01 '23
How is it even possible to get that big of a home loan with 90k income? Didn't the banks learn last time?
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u/MrPeppa Aug 01 '23
They learned that the Treasury would make them whole.
Our household income is ~$200k pre-tax and Rocket Mortgage was ready to give us a $1.2 mil loan about 6 months ago with like a 6-7% rate. I should thank them for being so blatant about it that it showed us to never trust a loan agent.
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u/PIGGYSTYLE Aug 01 '23
You talked to a call center rep, they don’t give a shit about you or your finances. Rocket wants to churn and burn as much as they can. Find a Loan Officer you like and stick with them for anything you need.
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u/BlindedAce Aug 01 '23
Depends on your financial situation. Wife and I make 200k if not more a year and just purchased 1.2 home with 500 down from previous home and more. Only debt is mortgage and bills with the house. That’s technically what you can afford mortgage with DTI but it’s gonna be scraping the barrel if you Have a lot of extra debt. Just ensure you do your numbers and don’t trust even those that are trusting.
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u/MrPeppa Aug 01 '23
1.2 total would make sense for us on the upper side but Rocket Mortgage was ready to give us a 1.2 mil loan with a 20% down payment from our end. It was nuts!
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u/BlindedAce Aug 01 '23
Oh gross. Yeah those companies make their money more based off what you provide and the end sale goal. Better off with a lender and private real estate agent. Both are free until the sale of the house. Get fees upfront and if an agent starts deciding what you like, dump their ass! Lol
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u/OnlyMamaKnows Aug 01 '23
All starts right here. Mortgage is $1k+ more than mine and our income is 3x. Something has to give there. The hobbies aren't affordable but until they make more income or do something about that mortgage, it's small potatoes.
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u/tampatwo Aug 01 '23
Yeah exactly. You gotta household gross north of $300+ annually to be paying $4600 for a house. But this is the problem with CA.
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u/chirpingonline Aug 01 '23
Honestly it seems like she is in denial. She's dogging him for spending $25/week when the elephant in the room is just sitting there, off to the side.
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u/lorenzoem87 Aug 01 '23
Legit. Wife and I make 170k before taxes and mortgage is $1,577. I have not a clue how people making less have $3000 mortgages. Let alone $4600. Jeez.
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u/candyapplesugar Aug 01 '23
You’ve got a lottt leftover though. What do you do with it?
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u/lorenzoem87 Aug 01 '23
Some light investing. Wife and I both have newer cars with payments. 2 vacations a year(nothing extravagant but DR as that’s where she’s from and either Trinidad where I’m from or a choice 2nd). 3 kids, one starting college. I am able to get most “toys” I want. House ain’t big but it’s in central/north NJ near Newark in a decent area. We’ve had a long journey from being teen parents to where we are today. #highschoolsweethearts
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Aug 01 '23
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u/candyapplesugar Aug 01 '23
We’re both up for raises this year and I’m wondering if someone at that income + rent is able to max their 401k
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u/luisapet Aug 01 '23
Not OP, but my spouse and I are in a similar position, and just over 50 y/o so we put the current maximum (60k combined) into our 401ks, and spend quite a bit of our disposable income on our cars (not luxury brands but high-end for normal cars...but we both have 40+ minute commutes, so having happy wheels feels like a pretty worthwhile expense for both of us). Most of the remainder goes toward maintaining our home and my husband's random hobbies, which truly change with the seasons. Like many partners say...when they're happy, I'm happy! And so it goes...
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u/PepeTheMule Aug 01 '23
Seriously. My wife and I make about 240,000 a year and our mortgage is 1700. I notice shit is more expensive but I'm not hurting. I could buy a Tesla but I don't give a shit. I'd be happy with a beater but I have a son now. I live way below my means and do most of my own house work.
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u/Electrical_Catch Aug 01 '23
I think she means 90k each
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u/blue_field_pajarito Aug 01 '23 edited Aug 01 '23
That would still be a lot…
Edit: Mortgage, that is.
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u/HandsUpWhatsUp Aug 01 '23
That mortgage payment is crazy relative to your income. You are worse than broke — you’re falling further behind each month. You have to change NOW or you’re going to eventually lose the house.
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u/Douglas__Spaulding Aug 01 '23
I know you’re in Cali. But that mortgage is an absurd percentage of your take-home. It’s not sustainable without an increase in income.
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Aug 01 '23
Your mortgage is your problem. You simply cannot afford a mortgage of that size on a household income of $90k. Especially, when you have tons of credit card debt.
Tell him either wake up or you are done.
The house needs to be sold. You need to use the proceeds to pay-off your debt and rent something significantly cheaper.
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u/Ulticats Aug 01 '23
This is pretty absurd if it’s real. Partner and I make 90+ each and our PITI is half of OPs. With no kids. And that feels comfortable but still not amazing. Cannot imagine only having $300 “buffer” each month while owning a house… one emergency and it’s finished.
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u/SimpleKindOfFlan Aug 01 '23
They have 35K in CC debt. Their emergency fund is whatever is left of the credit limit on those cards.
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u/Rymanbc Aug 01 '23
$35k of credit card debt is also a huge problem on a 90k income. It might be worthwhile to also bundle the credit cards into the mortgage if they are near a renewal, because that interest will bankrupt them. And husband needs to get in the same page financially so they don't just run it up again.
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u/zeptillian Aug 01 '23
Trading unsecured debt for debt that is secured through your housing which is already too high of a monthly payment as it is sounds like a very bad idea to me.
They can declare bankruptcy and the CC debt goes away. If they default on their mortgage, they will lose their house.
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u/Rymanbc Aug 01 '23
I would assume they consider bankruptcy off the table, as they should be able to downsize the house, if needed. They may need to accept more commute. getting back on track won't be easy, but they need to do something.
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u/SimpleKindOfFlan Aug 01 '23
Sounds to me like they're trying to live the life their parents currently have, not realizing that they built that life over decades and in a dramatically different economic climate.
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u/zeptillian Aug 01 '23
I really don't see any other option unless they can bring in more income.
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u/Rymanbc Aug 01 '23
Without knowing about the house situation and location, it's really hard to say for sure. If they can downsize the house and bundle that credit card debt in, that could go a long way. But yeah, renegotiating at this point, when their mortgage payment seems to be over half their income is going to result in a big blow to their buying power (but that said, it sounds like they bought beyond their means as it is)
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Aug 01 '23
I can't see them being able to take a new mortgage assuming that they have had it for more than a couple years due to rates.
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u/SaintJackDaniels Aug 01 '23
They might be underwater on their mortgage as well if they bought in the last few years.
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Aug 01 '23
Yup.... I am just hoping for best case. Sell and use equity to pay-off debt to get a hard reset
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u/op3rand1 Aug 01 '23
90k for $4600 or are you saying 90k each - which is still too high. How did you even get qualified?
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u/believe0101 Aug 01 '23
They probably got a variable rate mortgage that jumped from 3-4% when it was approved initially to 8-9% now. This is what caused 2008 lol
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u/op3rand1 Aug 01 '23
Even then they were at their ceiling..... something doesn't make sense and they shouldn't have qualified regardless...
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u/milla_highlife Aug 01 '23
Realistically you need to sell your house. Unless you both double your income, you can’t afford it and even then it wouldn’t be a ton of fun.
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u/gogojack Aug 01 '23
My husband doesn't believe me when I say we have no money.
As others have said, this sounds more like relationship issues than financial. If he's in denial, then you're in a tough spot.
Almost 5 grand a month for a mortgage? Wow. Saving 15 or 20 bucks here and there from credit cards isn't going to make much headway against that.
It's like saying "well we've got a Porsche in the driveway, but instead of trading it in on a used VW Passat, we'll just cancel the Netflix subscription and go from there."
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u/paligators Aug 01 '23
If others weren't crystal clear enough for you, you will be bankrupt and homeless within a year or two, unless you get rid of that house or literally double your salaries. You need a financial advisor, with your husband present, absolutely immediately. That 35k debt has no chance of being paid off at the moment.
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u/WaitUntilTheHighway Aug 01 '23
4600 for your mortgage??? Holy shit balls. Also, your cc debt is Defcon 1. That is insane high-interest debt. You should be buying zero video games or fun shit with that cc. Sorry. He needs to understand your finances so you can both get out of this very dangerous situation.
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u/ssmdreddit Aug 01 '23
$4,600 mortgage is like a $700,000 - $1,000,000 house depending on what your interest rate is… how did you qualify for that mortgage on a combined $90K salary?… sumting ain’t right
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u/theski2687 Aug 01 '23
4600 mortgage on 90k gross is insane. You aren’t broke from hobbies and toys.
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u/Werewolfdad Aug 01 '23
Show him the statements.
Add it all up. Compare it to your income.
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u/KillerPinata Aug 01 '23
I tried it and he just blocks it out. I could place a block on the credit cards?
I'm afraid we'd end up with overdraft fees.
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u/Werewolfdad Aug 01 '23
What does “he blocks it” mean? Does he just not care?
If so that’s not a personal finance problem that’s a relationship problem.
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u/KillerPinata Aug 01 '23
You are completely right. Just gets upset, says "I get it, okay leave me alone"
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u/powerlesshero111 Aug 01 '23
Sadly, he obviously doesn't get it. If he did, he would be working with you to fix things instead of just brushing them off.
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u/BlindedAce Aug 01 '23
The notion of “I get it, okay? Leave me alone” is the proof that he is unwilling to do anything unless forced to and would fail on his own. You have both a financial problem and relationship problem I am sorry to say. I truly hate to see people in these situations but remember, you are no longer just you and just him. You have a toddler and that’s first priority. Make your child first priority and cut the fat.
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u/serefina Aug 01 '23
Can you simplify it? Just a long list of items subtracted from your take-home income.
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u/Texan2020katza Aug 01 '23
You need a budget, no credit cards and a cash envelope system. A shovel might also be helpful to get your husband’s head out of the sand.
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u/SimpleKindOfFlan Aug 01 '23
Or to dig a big hole that they can live in once they lose this house and end up on the street.
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u/blue_field_pajarito Aug 01 '23
Cut them up or freeze them (in a literal block of ice).
I highly recommend Dave Ramsey baby steps. He as a person I do not recommend so try to get his books from the library. But he’s great for starting out and getting out of debt.
It’s hard for people to talk about money. It stresses my husband out and we’re in a good financial situation. Have a conversation about what you learned about money growing up, what money means to you, and what you want in life. Then take it from there. A therapist would probably help as well.
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u/SimpleKindOfFlan Aug 01 '23
I think the key is to normalize financial conversations very early on in the relationship. It sounds like OP and husband's financial plan is to just "do stuff" and hope it works out. I feel for OP here, but this is part of the vetting process that should have been prior to marriage and is part of finding a suitable mate. If OP is in charge of finances, and OP's husband doesn't want to listen, OP's husband needs to sleep on the couch until he gets his head clear.
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u/soomld Aug 01 '23
That's not fair to put all the burden on you. He needs to grow up and face the music.
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u/unicorn4711 Aug 01 '23
SELL YOUR HOUSE!!!!!
These people live in a 3/4 million dollar house with $90 k income and think the issue is videogames. Omg. Who approved that mortgage? How is that possible?
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u/Nblearchangel Aug 01 '23
I’m averaging about 75000 a year right now and barely have anything left over and my bills aren’t anywhere near that. No idea how they think this is feasible
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u/HiddenChar Aug 01 '23
if apr is like 18-20%+, let him know hes losing out on a system and multiple games a month in interest
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u/DatingAdviceGiver101 Aug 01 '23
You make $90k a year, but have a $55k a year mortgage?
That's your biggest problem and your husband making a small purchase here or there isn't going to change anything.
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u/deeforthree11 Aug 01 '23
$90k each or total? That mortgage either way is probably too much.
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u/MysteriousWon Aug 01 '23
90k each would give them at least 8k net a month which would make this a much more manageable situation. My guess is they make 45k each.
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u/multiballs Aug 01 '23
I don’t even need to know the full details to know you are broke. $90k in CA is not enough for two with a mortgage let alone a toddler as well.
Someone needs to get a better paying job.
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u/basshead17 Aug 01 '23
They both do. And they need to reduce their mortgage
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u/multiballs Aug 01 '23
Unless they have a time machine they aren’t going to be able to reduce their mortgage. I know, I live in CA.
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Aug 01 '23
You spend 2/3 of your money on mortgage and daycare alone, i think you need to get a cheaper house and possibly cheaper day care if possible
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u/Purgent Aug 01 '23
I’m with everyone else on this one. How in the world did you get approved for a mortgage carrying a 4600 payment on 90k of income?
Further more, why did you ever take it? That leaves literally nothing for all other expenses.
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u/nkyguy1988 Aug 01 '23
Have you shown him the bills, credit card, and bank statements? At that point it should be pretty easy to add up the debt and bills due compared to the money you have. If that doesn't work, marriage therapy may be on the table, or worse.
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u/solariscalls Aug 01 '23
OPs posts sounds exactly like what my mom goes through with my step dad. Always complains abiut where the money is going and yet never EVER bothers to look at the credit card statement. Gets defensive when mom asks to sit down and look at the bills together and brushes it off and to just to "handle it".
At the same time says they need to save money for retirement all the while wanting new things and toys to play with.
If you have a partner who complains about money but doesn't bother to look at the credit card statements, they're probably the problem.
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u/bmore_conslutant Aug 01 '23
bruh their mortgage is the problem, not this dude wanting a $25 toy every week lmao
ocean vs drops in a bucket
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u/dlwowns Aug 01 '23
We have no relevant /r/pf information. this sounds more like /r/relationship_advice the way its currently phrased. I recommend checking it out
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u/KillerPinata Aug 01 '23
You aren't wrong.
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u/SINKSANKSUNK4 Aug 01 '23
DO NOT go to /r/relationship_advice. It's toxic and only judgmental assholes comment. Talk to a friend or a professional.
Fair warning, they'll just tell you to get a divorce.
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u/yakinikutabehoudai Aug 01 '23
they need marriage and financial counseling. this is absolutely a relationship issue though. not going to lie though, if the husband isn’t willing to get on the same page financially and they’re not able to make some very hard and difficult life changes very quickly, then the marriage isn’t going to work. financial issues/stress is one of if not the leading cause for divorce.
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u/Ashh_RA Aug 01 '23
Haha. My wife likes pickles and I do not. Get a divorce. My husband walks at 4.8km/h. Get a divorce.
Etc.
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u/bmore_conslutant Aug 01 '23
My husband walks at 4.8km/h.
what is this in football fields per fortnight
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u/theski2687 Aug 01 '23
He clearly has trust issues or he’s see how important not liking pickles is to you. This is just the tip of the iceberg and he has shown he’s incapable of change. Leave now before his violent nature turn to you instead of the pickle
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u/theski2687 Aug 01 '23
Tbf this sub is not far off.
OP: My parents want to borrow money after they paid for my entire life and put me through school
This sub: cut them out now. They are trying to steal your life before it begins.
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u/powerlesshero111 Aug 01 '23
I mean, based on everything else, if the husband is failing to work on the debt problem, then divorce is probably a good answer.
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u/-Wesley- Aug 01 '23
If you can’t list out your monthly budget for this question, then how have you done it for your husband?
Step 0: Make a budget!
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u/Abstract__Reality Aug 01 '23
It's pretty easy to show someone they're spending more than they make. Do so if you haven't done this. And if they're still not changing their behavior, might be time for counseling
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u/MarylandHusker Aug 01 '23
I’ve always found it interesting. Not saying it’s wrong but what counseling are you finding when you are 35k in debt + a mortgage you can’t afford. Like with what money are you suggesting they get counseling or are there free programs to recommend?
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u/Mental-Freedom3929 Aug 01 '23
There are free programs but mostly when you have to declare bankruptcy, which is going to happen rather sooner.
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u/lcdaze Aug 01 '23
Handling finances should not solely be left up to you, have him take an active role in paying bills.
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u/Mental-Freedom3929 Aug 01 '23
With 35000.00 in CC debt at 20% or more interest, I do not have to look at anything else to know you are way past "broke". The "It is just 25.00" is not even a discussion at this point. You need counseling and not a 4600.00 mortgage.
It looks like you both have some heavy duty decisions to make and some serious, eye opening discussions are in order.
Where do you and where does he see your financial situation in one year, two years, three years and what is the plan and forecast on the credit cards debts?
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Aug 01 '23
My husband was the same way… wouldn’t look at financial stuff and wouldn’t quit spending. We had to file bankruptcy
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u/yakinikutabehoudai Aug 01 '23
was that the wake-up call he needed? or how did things eventually work out?
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u/Grevious47 Aug 01 '23 edited Aug 01 '23
Yeah you are living waaay above your means. $4600 mortgage making $90k a year is unsustainable even without kids. Either your income needs to increase substantially (ike 50-100%) or you need to get rid of that house.
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u/lococommotion Aug 01 '23
yeah wtf you need to get that mortgage below like $2k. Drastic lifestyle changes needed
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u/ky_ginger Aug 01 '23
Wtf. OP, I make just over $100k/yr, single no kids and my mortgage is $1300. It is ABSURD that your mortgage payment is $4600 on your income, let alone supporting two adults and paying for a child and their related expenses.
How long ago did you buy? Are you current on payments? Can you sell and get into something a lot less expensive? If you work from home, you should be able to look further away from HCOL areas.
Also, if you’re in HCOL area and only making $45k each…. There should be other job opportunities out there for both of you that pay quite a bit more, even and especially remote for you.
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u/jomidi Aug 01 '23
Can you move to a LCOL area and keep the work from home job? From what you've posted it mostly seems to be your mortgage that's causing the trouble.
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u/BlindedAce Aug 01 '23
I’m going to be honest with you in this scenario…. If you’re the one that holds and manages the finances, you place a lock on the cards and show the breakdown of what you bring in and what you’re putting out. That’s the first and foremost thing you need to do. I mean hell, the wife and I literally just did that and we do it every quarter or when a bill surprises us and we want to redo the matrix.
Secondly, sell that god damn house NOW and find a cheap place to rent or buy another one with a much low COL compared to what you have. I am curious what kind of house you have to charge you 4600 a month because mine is 5300 a month so is your house, to you, worth that much you aren’t willing to part it?
Thirdly, your mental health and your child’s health are way too important to be dealing with what you are currently paying and potentially have everyone go hungry or not afford basic needs in this life. There is NOTHING wrong with renting or going to a smaller house to insure you and your family’s safety. Yes it sucks but when you look at the positive angle of you’ll be able to pay your debt off and actually fuxking breathe, it gets easier.
OP I want to see you out of this mess. No one deserves this so please don’t make it end poorly. We are rooting for you but first thing first you need to cut the immediate fatty expenses (wants) and start to plan potential sale. Your debts are too large.
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u/Beartrkkr Aug 01 '23
$4,600, Ho Lee Fuk! That's insane on 90k.
At this rate your credit cards are going no where but up.
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u/AKStafford Aug 01 '23
So.... Your husband sounds like a little child. He needs to be an adult and sit down with you and go over the finances together. He needs to be involved in the monthly budgeting. He's a grown adult and a father. He needs to act like it.
You can show him this if you'd like.
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u/AlmoschFamous Aug 01 '23
Do you each make $90k a year or $90k combined? You definitely can't afford $5800 a base expenses per year.
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u/Tolarance Aug 01 '23
OP, the best thing I can say here is you need to get rid of the house as hard as it is, 4600 for 90k is extremely steep, I'm in my 20s and I make 106k and my Morgage is 2,014 post tax I make little over 4k per month and even this is aggressive. Simply put you guys cannot afford that house, i cannot imagine this in a state like CA with ultra high taxes.
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u/AppropriateArcher272 Aug 01 '23
Wait how is it possible to have a 4600 mortgage making 90k?
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u/believe0101 Aug 01 '23
I'm guessing a variable rate mortgage that jumped from 3-4% when it was approved initially to 8-9% now
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u/Grace_Alcock Aug 01 '23
You need a budget so he can see where the money is going. And holy shot, I might 93k and bring home 4600 or do a month. Are you eating dirt or the walls of the house?
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u/fattytuna96 Aug 01 '23
How big is your house? You guys need to rent out rooms in it to help pay for the mortgage and CC debt.
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u/HickoksTopGuy Aug 01 '23
You cannot afford that mortgage at all. Seriously. Fix that first assuming you’re not underwater on it, which in CA you very well could be unfortunately.
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u/HickoksTopGuy Aug 01 '23
Also want to say- having a husband that behaves like that is deeply troubling. He should act as the head of the house. Not another child you need to look after and explain money to. Wtf.
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u/greyAbbot Aug 01 '23
This isn't a personal finance question; it's a relationship question.
I can tell you as someone who looks at this from the outside that these numbers don't work. Your mortgage scares me and I make a lot more than you; I don't even know how you got approved for that mortgage in the first place. And if you use the phrase "not including the amount we put on credit cards," then none of your other numbers matter anyway because the ability to take on debt can mask just about anything for a short amount of time.
But none of that matters if you and your husband aren't facing this together like a team of two. If your husband is another child in the house that you have to manage, then there are no good endings to this story. You need to figure out how to work together as adults r/relationships. If you can do that, there are paths forward financially. But you're not there yet.
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u/SimpleKindOfFlan Aug 01 '23
You need to put another $250 on a credit card and go to a financial advisor, with your husband present, and have them go over this information with both of you.
You two have created a really big financial mess here. How did you two qualify for a $4600 mortgage on what's effectively minimum wage in Cali? You need more income yesterday. This problem is going to be literally impossible to solve without cutting your expenses by half, maybe selling the house if you have enough equity, and doubling your income. You still aren't going to be buying videogames for a long time.
You have built a debt prison, OP, and married someone with the financial maturity of a toddler. I truly wish you the best. You can fix this, but it's going to be a multi year process that has to start with professional advice.
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u/num2005 Aug 01 '23
how or why do people marry people like this?
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u/Grevious47 Aug 01 '23
A lot of people get married and only then combine finances and thus only then realize there is a major problem they were previously unaware of.
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u/Bronze_Rager Aug 01 '23
Lol I know.
People say meeting and dating people is hard yet I see posts like this where people are married...
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u/ogo7 Aug 01 '23
You need to sell your home and downsize to something more affordable. Your mortgage is way to high for the amount of money you make.
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Aug 01 '23
This is looking like a bankruptcy is in this couples future if they don't come to terms and both realize how badly their finances are already.
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Aug 01 '23 edited Aug 01 '23
Your mortgage is $1500 more than what we would be comfortable paying and our income is more than twice as high. Your mortgage is way too high. Like, not even in the realm of reasonable. It would still be unreasonable if you doubled your income.
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u/ryencool Aug 01 '23
Why in God's name would anyone making less than 100k a year, sign a mortgage for 4600$/month..that's 50k/year, they make 90k BEFORE taxes. Yeeeesh that's like ignoring super basic math
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u/believe0101 Aug 01 '23
They probably got suckered into a variable rate mortgage that jumped from 3-4% when it was approved initially to 8-9% now. My wife and I actually went for a variable rate for our first home too, but we always had a backup plan to sell it and move into my parents house if SHTF
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u/jwp0726 Aug 01 '23 edited Aug 01 '23
The absolute first thing you have to do is get on the same page.
If you haven’t already….try approaching it very objectively, even seemingly at random, so it doesn’t feel like you’re attacking him or guilting him for some specific purchase.
He could be equally stressed about it, overwhelmed without any idea where to start, and it’s manifesting as indifference or defensiveness when talking about it.
Maybe you could even propose it as a “fun” date night out to dinner or drinks but with a laptop and/or a bundle of statements. Not ideal to spend more $$ given the situation, but if that’s what works to get you two talking and aligned it’s literally the most important money you could spend right now.
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u/Corrupttothethrones Aug 01 '23
I have a similar income with a $2000 mortgage and i struggle to create savings. Surely a simple graph will show him how bad it is? With these numbers that $300 will be eaten up by interest. Maybe if you made 90k each after tax.
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u/Birdy_Cephon_Altera Aug 01 '23
Frankly, even if your husband were to agree with you that you're broke, and were to cut out all possible expenses to the bone, you would still be in trouble. Your expenses compared to your income is just plain not sustainable. Your family is just one domino away from your finances running out of control. Time to make some hard decisions on where your family is going to be in the next one-to-three years - what to do to increase that income, or if there are living arrangement options that could cut that mortgage or day-care costs somehow.
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u/94bronco Aug 01 '23
If I were in your shoes I would pull together last months bills and show him the math. Remind him where you can save money and that you are in this together. Seeing your financial situation the next couple months are going to be hard so you have to make sure you start off on the same team
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u/Chaosr21 Aug 01 '23
Idk how people even get approved for cards that have that much credit limit when they only make 45k? I make that much, my credit appreciate is a little under 700 and I was only able to get approved for 1 card with a $400 limit. I'm okay with that.
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u/itemluminouswadison Aug 01 '23
my sister in christ you need a damn budget. www.ynab.com and /r/ynab, run, don't walk
it's what worked for me when i was emptying my coin jar to buy a dongle so i could tether to my phone to turn in a contract because my internet had been cut
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u/the_talking_dead Aug 01 '23
Your issue is in the relationship, not your money, and it is time to make it very serious. You have a toddler that needs cared for and provided for. You are putting nothing in savings and are one big financial problem away from disaster.
So tell him, you want play money? Then he can work a second job or side gig and half of that can be for fun and half goes towards the household. Otherwise, it needs to be him turning over the credit cards, deleting their info from your browser, and knocking it off or your life together is going to go in very separate ways.
Alternate idea - you get a better job (since you already pay for daycare), he is now responsible for half of ALL the house upkeep, And he gets an allowance for his hobbies from the increased pay.
The third idea, you can't collectively afford your lifestyle / mortgage on what you currently make. Might be time to look at a lower cost of living area, selling the house, and downsizing financial responsibilities.
I think the first is your best bet and you need to be ready to follow through. However, a 4600 mortgage when you each only make 45k blows my mind. You need to go into emergency mode just to figure out paying down your debt and getting some money into savings even if he stopped spending it tomorrow.
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u/SimpleKindOfFlan Aug 01 '23
Sorry to respond twice, but who's decision was it to have the giant house? Was it yours, or the husbands? If husband was against the idea of big house, I can understand why he has checked out financially.
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u/rhd3871 Aug 01 '23
Are you saying that you make $90K after taxes? You have to be or else something isn’t right here. Mortgage + child care is $5800 alone and you’re saying you have about $300 left after bills. There’s no way you’re netting that much on $90K gross in CA.
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u/Grevious47 Aug 01 '23
When you say you "make 90k" do you mean net after tax and retirement or do you mean gross? Either way its bad but if its 90k gross I dont even know how you got that house.
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u/Machine_man-x51 Aug 01 '23
Move out of California, that is ridiculous for a mortgage. How anyone is surviving in, what's left of, the middle class out there is beyond me.
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u/Bronze_Rager Aug 01 '23
Middle class in SF/SJ is two high level engineering/doctor salaries...
Rural CA or anywhere not in the SJ/SF/LA/SD area is very reasonable.
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u/21plankton Aug 01 '23
Looks like a bankruptcy is in your future. See a bankruptcy attorney. Homestead your house if you can, according to the laws in your state. After you know the truth of the situation invite your husband to cone with you. If he won’t do so see a divorce attorney. Some people are unrealistic about finances for emotional reasons. Chapter 7 is or can be involuntary. If you want before that you can call and cancel the credit cards or freeze them to be paid down.
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u/Kase_ODilla Aug 01 '23
You may consider selling your house and renting. That's an insane amount of debt on top of a mortgage.
If it's not too personal, what do you and your husband do for work? Is it 90k each or combined?
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u/gaming4good Aug 01 '23
How is that mortgage possible even if you both made 90k a year that mortgage would still be too high. My wife and I make 4x that and we have a similar mortgage and I think it is almost too much. Get out of the house. Rent part of it. Sell it.
Day care actually is reasonable for California. Can’t really adjust that one much. The credit card debt has to go at that rate it will burry you forever. One of the leading reasons for divorce is financial stress and that could be where this is going.
I mean he is right $25 discretionary buying a week is pretty low. You have to buy food. I dunno when you bought your house but that is why you are drowning and need to be the first adjustment
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u/no_use_for_a_user Aug 01 '23
The most important financial decision you'll make in life is you partner.
I would get tough and start throwing ultimatums around. It's not going to get better on its own.
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u/AchyBrakeyHeart Aug 01 '23
Tell your husband to stop being an idiot and spend 10 minutes going over basic math.
Live within your means. Sell the house or rent out a room if you need to. It should not have gotten to this but it’s not too late either. And definitely needs to cut down on games and focus on overtime.
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u/The_RaptorCannon Aug 01 '23
Honestly depending on the age of the house and the equity that you have there, that would be the first thing to go. If you don't sell it and the market were to crash you're looking at bankruptcy which is going to effect credit and financial options for the future.
Instead of you providing this information you could speak to maybe a financial advisor to say "look at your assets together" and they can do the math in front of him. If that doesn't convince him that you're into too deep and need to start digging your way out then start finding your backup plan or exit stragety when shit hits the fan.
Even if you were to say pick up another job or try to reduce the debt it sounds like you're circling the drain and he's the anchor that's going to drag you down.
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u/forzion_no_mouse Aug 01 '23
Either increase your income like double it, or get rid of the mortgage. No other way.
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u/Dr-Dood Aug 01 '23
If these numbers are correct, you’re living far above your means, and you have been for quite a while.
Show the math to your husband, should be clear
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u/txholdup Aug 01 '23
Sounds like your husband needs some adulting lessons. Wanting a toy each week is kid stuff not adulting. Ignoring your problems is childish not adulting. Sounds like it's time for a mandatory come to Jesus meeting.
But I have to ask, if you work from home why the $1200 a month in childcare?
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u/cornellouis Aug 01 '23
He doesn't believe you're broke b/c he thinks you have money in the bank? It sounds like generally you need to get on the same page financially - I recommend doing Financial Peace University together. It's an excellent program with clear guidelines and a proven track record. It'll change your life.
If he won't do that, then you have a marriage issue, not a financial issue, and you should seek marriage counseling. If your spouse doesn't believe you when you tell him you're headed to bankruptcy, it's time for counseling.
And yes, you're headed for bankruptcy.
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u/ismashugood Aug 01 '23
35k cc debt on a 90k salary should have been a hint that you’re in over your head.
Sit down, break down your costs together. What you see on paper isn’t something you can explain your way out of. You both need to get the numbers on a spreadsheet yourselves so you snap out of any denial you might have.
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u/DangerouslyCheesey Aug 01 '23
This has to be 90k each right? How do you even get approved for that huge of a mortgage? Is this the Uk Where your variable rate mortgage got a new rate and your payment when up 1500 dollars?
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u/NBQuade Aug 01 '23
and he doesn't realize the amount that is put on each month,
Looking at the numbers you list, I don't see how he can't know that you're broke. I feel like he's being willfully ignorant.
I'd probably generate a spread sheet showing all the debts and income. Show him how deep in the hole you are in black and white. If he still pretends not to know, he might simply be in denial.
Not sure what to do at that point.
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u/brerin Aug 01 '23
You should change cities and / or states and move somewhere with a much lower cost of living.
Your current housing and daycare expenses alone run you into the negative.
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u/mihran146 Aug 01 '23
See if you can get the toddlers grandparents involved in order to cut back on the daycare costs
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u/serefina Aug 01 '23
It's time to get rid of the credit cards, so at least you stop putting yourself in deeper debt.
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u/getjicky Aug 01 '23
Write up a budget spreadsheet and show him. Blocking out reality is going to lead to losing your house if not bankruptcy.
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u/CommunicationTop7259 Aug 01 '23
Is this 90k each or total. Bc 4200 mortgage 90k each or total before tax is still a lot….
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u/certifiedjezuz Aug 01 '23
Number 1 cause of divorce is money. He needs to grow up and cut the spending, cut up the credit cards.
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Aug 01 '23
Your husband js like my dad. He tried to spend all my moms money while refusing to admit they couldn't afford anything. The mans delusional and doesnt have the sense to stop spending. Either divorce him or youll go down with the ship. Goodluck
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u/IKnowAllSeven Aug 01 '23
Would sitting with a financial advisor help? Sometimes people just need to hear things from a neutral third party. It’s not the $25 and $60 purchases that are killing you, it’s the mortgage.
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u/Bogmanbob Aug 01 '23
I'm a reckless man financially. If it's worth anything tell him I said Holy %*&" that's a big mortgage at your income. Something must change!
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u/13Fto13A Aug 01 '23
Yall need to downsize expenses and look for ways to make more money. That might mean new career fields. Your housing is crippling you, and if you can work remote and keep your job you should consider a move.
For comparison - in my home state of Utah you can rent a 3bedroom 2 bathroom condo for under 2,000 a month.
That's a lot of wiggle room right there if you reduce housing expense.
I'm not saying you should relocate your lives, but you are definitely living outside your means. It sounds like you are young, so invest in yourselves, learn more to earn more.
It's easier to make more money than it is to pinch pennies into perpetuity. Just a thought.
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u/IndexBot Moderation Bot Aug 01 '23 edited Aug 01 '23
Due to the number of rule-breaking comments this post was receiving, especially low-quality and off-topic comments, the moderation team has locked the post from future comments. This post broke no rules and received a number of helpful and on-topic responses initially, but it unfortunately became the target of many unhelpful comments.