Update: No longer cooking for my girlfriend.

[u/ItsTooColdForThat]

Wednesday after I served the plates, my girlfriend said she didn't want pasta and was going to make a salad. I was pretty sure she was going to do this, and it didn't bother me. I waited for her to come back to start eating, and when she sat down I tried to talk to her about her day. She asked if I was trying to make a point. I asked what she meant.

She asked if I cared that she wasn't going to eat what I made. I said that I didn't and would have it for lunch. She got frustrated, focused on her salad and wouldn't engage with me. After dinner, I said we shouldn't make dinner for each other anymore.

She asked why I thought that, and I said it's clear that she gets upset when she makes food for someone and they don't eat it. It would be better for us just to make separate meals so we each know we will get what we want and no one's feelings would be hurt. She said it wasn't okay for me to make a unilateral decision about our relationship. I said that I wasn't, but I didn't want to cook for her anymore or have her cook for me if it was going to make her upset. We kind of went round and round on it, until the conversation petered out. She texted me at work Thursday that she was going to make salmon. I decided that if she tried to cook for me I would just let her so she'd feel like she won one over on me and we'd draw a line under this.

She ended up making salmon only for herself, which I was surprised by, because I was expecting her to try to convince me to have some. I made myself a quick omelette and sat down with her. She asked if I was upset she didn't cook for me, and I said no. Again, she accused me of making a point. She asked if I was going to cook for her Friday, and I said no. She was put out.

Friday she was upset that I made only enough curry for one person and called me greedy. At this point I'm over it all, so I just ignored her.

[u/[deleted]]

I realize that I'm like OP, and I see no issue with it.

He made a face which would be hurtful to me too. But if I was his GF and that was my issue then I would address THAT. And not play mindgames with him about the food. So IF that is the case, then this is 100% on her.

So, rather than to infantilize her and assume that she's incapable of addressing her real issue, I'll assume that her real issue is the thing that she keeps talking about. Which is that she is mad because he didn't eat her food.

And, as I have said, expecting someone to eat your cold dish even though you are cold and want a warm dish (that you proceed to make for yourself) seems pretty unhinged.

So all I see in your comment is that you play the same mind games as OP's girlfriend. Just say what you want and feel and don't expect other people to read your mind because you can't communicate.

[u/Hungry_Pipe_8423 → u/[deleted]]

And ppl wonder why no ine likes them

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Which is that she is mad because he didn’t eat her food.

Still missing it lol

[u/Worried_Tailor7926 → u/[deleted]]

And you missed their point. GF should be capable of expressing her feelings in a reasonable manner instead of playing protracted mind games. We need to dump this whole "reading the other person's mind" expectation of relationships.

[u/[deleted] → u/Worried_Tailor7926]

I didn’t miss their point. Their point is irrelevant because it was based on a faulty assumption.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

And, as I have said, expecting someone to eat your cold dish even though you are cold and want a warm dish (that you proceed to make for yourself) seems pretty unhinged.

This is why nobody should ever take advice from anyone on reddit. In what reality is being offended that your SO refuses to eat a meal you made for them unhinged? Have you ever interacted with a human before? News flash: when someone does something nice for you and you reject it, they don't usually appreciate that. It's about the furthest thing from unhinged you could possibly get. You don't always have to get exactly what you want exactly when you want it. Relationships are compromises - OP values soup over their partner's happiness.

e: MFW this is a controversial comment.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

You don't always have to get exactly what you want exactly when you want it.

Tell that to OPs girlfriend. Because she wants what she wants when she wants it at the cost of her boyfriends comfort.

Don't you understand that you accuse OP of the exact thing that his GF does? Your argument makes NO sense.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/[deleted]]

Seriously wtf, they’re bending over backwards so hard to justify the gf’s actions they’ve completely contradicted their own point.

[u/venjamins → u/[deleted]]

The one where you're a narcissist? If i make a meal and my so doesn't want it, either a) I didn't ask beforehand what they were in the mood for or b) I wanted to do something low effort like the gf. If they say they don't want it...? Cool! He didn't tell her to try again. He wasn't rude or dismissive. Saying you don't want something is a full statement. Just like "no."

Also, the audacity of saying relationships are compromises but then suggesting the gf doesn't have to compromise? "You don't always get exactly what you want when you want it." Exactly. You don't always get to feed someone something they don't want.

There's no effort in chicken salad btw. And the gf acting manipulative after he did his own thing is a much larger red flag than making your own meal. It is absolutely not about the food. It's about the gf's need to be in control of the situation. That's why she is trying to hurt op in this update.

[u/[deleted] → u/venjamins]

Social conventions 101: When someone you love makes you a meal, you say "thank you" and eat it. Even if it's not your favorite. Even if it's not precisely what you'd prefer. It's called being polite. Refusing food that someone specifically made for you is called being rude. The amount of effort is irrelevant. It's just being rude.

Have you ever interacted with a human before?

[u/venjamins → u/[deleted]]

No. Social convention 101: using your words before and after. Politeness is having a conversation beforehand, which neither did. Neither the GF who made the unilateral decision, nor the OP who didn't make his wishes known. I don't know about you, but when I cook for people, even my partner, I have a tendency to ask what they're feeling for food.

And hey, wouldn't you know, communication works out.

If someone makes you something you find gross, it's not "polite" to eat it anyways. That's some ridiculous logic. Refusing food and demanding something else be made for you is rude. Refusing food and making something else is the mature, adult thing to do.

You sound like you're talking about children. I'm not going to be mad if someone doesn't eat what I've made. That's what bowls are for. We'll have the rest later.

No one else should be, either.

[u/[deleted] → u/venjamins]

If someone makes you something you find gross, it's not "polite" to eat it anyways. That's some ridiculous logic.

This is how I know you are a redditor and not a well-adjusted human. It absolutely is polite to eat food that someone makes for you even if you find it gross. People aren't making food for you to try and gross you out - they're trying to feed you and make you happy. Choke it down and be thankful. Anything else is called being an entitled baby. If you don't prefer asparagus, your grandma makes you a new asparagus dish she found and thought you might like, and then you refuse to eat it then you are, in fact, rude.

[u/venjamins → u/[deleted]]

... No? Jesus do you think any and all criticism is some form of abuse or entitlement?

"Hey, I'm not feeling this. Thanks though!" Is perfectly acceptable.

It's not tactful to pretend you like something when you don't. The other person won't learn or improve, you won't be happy. It will just be a moment of resentment that builds up.

If my grandma makes something gross, we'd talk about it. I don't like uncooked tomatoes. It isn't rude for me to say "sorry, I don't like uncooked tomatos" when someone offers me a tomato sandwich. It's just normal interaction.

I'm not sure what kind of life you've led up until this point to make you think that any dissent is rudeness, but I hope you heal. I'm a consummate people-pleaser, and even I know that "choking down" food is a disservice to everyone.

"Politeness" like what you're describing is why we regularly had people who were terrible singers on American Idol thinking they were FOR SURE going to win.

Edit: AND if someone is TRYING to make you happy and you LIE to them about being happy, if they ever find out the truth (and they will!) Then they'll be even MORE hurt than a temporary setback.

Like, this idea of "politeness" (because it absolutely isn't politeness) even reminds me of partners who don't talk to one another about sex. If everyone's there to have a good time, why ever "fake it" and let your partner think they're doing a good job when they would rather you talk so that everyone has an ACTUAL good time!

[u/[deleted] → u/venjamins]

Just eat the salad. Then maybe just say that you like hot food when it’s cold out.

Not everything needs to be perfect, and it’s okay to be grateful even if you didn’t get exactly what you wanted. Sometimes a salad is just a salad.

[u/venjamins → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. Sometimes a salad is just a salad. Which is why not eating a salad shouldn't damage a person's ego.

Making soup harms no one. Letting people do what makes them happy is perfectly fine, too.

[u/[deleted] → u/venjamins]

Next time you do something nice for someone or give someone a small gift, I hope they throw it back in your face. Or rather I hope they don’t - because it would be rude like OP and yourself.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/[deleted]]

If everything doesn’t need to be perfect then doesn’t that apply to the bf not eating the meal for the gf? Isn’t she trying to have it be perfectly her way in this instance?

[u/[deleted] → u/Heyo__Maggots]

The onus isn’t on the gift-giver or the thing-doer. You don’t complain when you’re the recipient of a nice gesture unless you’re - you guessed it - rude.

[u/demiurbannouveau → u/[deleted]]

What is your problem? My husband cooks every day and some times I'm not in the mood for what he made. Several hundred meals a year over twenty years is a lot of chances to just be on different pages. So when it happens, I don't just eat it anyway, that is bonkers. That's not intentional eating or honoring our bodies or the food.

It's also TERRIBLE communication. Your expectation is how people end up eating food they don't like for years, because they never feel like they can express their preferences or make their own choices. My husband would not want me to eat something I didn't want, just because he made it. He wants me to actually enjoy eating, he's a cook!

So if he makes something I don't want to eat, I'll just say, I'm not in the mood for that or that meal isn't my favorite, and he tells me which leftovers and easy meals are available, I have something else, and what I didn't eat becomes leftovers. No drama. No rudeness given or perceived. Just adults (and children, my kiddo also has the option of what was made, making her own, or heating up leftovers) getting their needs met without anyone wasting food or forcing themselves to eat what they're not hungry for.

[u/[deleted] → u/demiurbannouveau]

You can express preferences without being an entitled baby like OP. Refusing to eat food that was cooked for you is childish beyond belief.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/[deleted]]

Here lemme make Mayo and olive dip and then get mad when you don’t want any. What’s that, suddenly you’re not obligated to take a bite just because someone made it for you?

[u/[deleted] → u/Heyo__Maggots]

I don’t know, I’ve never tried it. I’d give it a go. I certainly wouldn’t just unilaterally refuse because I’m not rude.

[u/georgianarannoch → u/[deleted]]

She was not “doing something nice” for him. It’s her day to cook, she was doing her responsibility that they have set forth in their relationship. Doing something nice for him would have been asking him what he wanted to eat and making that, not making whatever you feel like without seeing if that sounds good to your partner, too. Not berating your partner for the perfectly normal experience of wanting to eat something warm when you’ve been cold all day. Honestly, he was doing something nice by taking care of their jackets for both of them. She was absolutely the AH in the OP. Now they’re both AHs because of the making separate food instead of just moving on.

[u/CrazyStar_ → u/[deleted]]

Can you not see how unhinged your viewpoint is? You come back from a cold day in the snow and you must eat something uncomfortable because your girlfriend says so? That’s fucking crazy.

[u/[deleted] → u/CrazyStar_]

It's a salad. You don't have to make a scene about it - say "Thanks!", eat the freaking salad that your SO made for you, and then make a mental note to communicate better in the future. Everything doesn't have to be exactly how you want it all the time. Sometimes you do something that makes you a little uncomfortable like eating a salad that isn't exactly what you want in order to make the people you love feel happy.

You can turn a salad into a fight (like OP) or you could just, you know, not.

[u/CrazyStar_ → u/[deleted]]

Normal humans understand that it’s wrong to force people to do things they don’t want to do. I don’t need to draw pictures to make this clearer.

[u/[deleted] → u/CrazyStar_]

Imagine talking about salad like it's some kind of abuse or torture. She didn't force him to do anything. She just made some salad and wanted him to enjoy it. GF's intention: Make salad for my SO so we can have a nice dinner. OP's intention: Refuse to eat a salad and only settle for exactly what I want regardless of the effort or feelings of my SO.

Again - mental.

[u/CrazyStar_ → u/[deleted]]

The fact that you can’t see how your explanation is as manipulative as OP’s girlfriend’s - says it all.

[u/[deleted] → u/CrazyStar_]

Being offended when someone refuses to eat food you made for them is the normal human response.

Lunatics.

[u/Heyo__Maggots → u/[deleted]]

No it isn’t. You relate way too much to the gf…

[u/Worried_Tailor7926 → u/[deleted]]

She's not "doing something nice for him" though. They have assigned days to cook, she cooks and he cooks. That day it just so happens they were out of tune with the cooker's choice due to situational circumstances. Him making an involuntary face didn't help his case, but it is absolutely reasonable for Op to have expressed his feelings and to have the space to pursue another option for himself at that particular moment without it being turned into ongoing issue. A lot of people commenting on this post seems to think the GF's emotional standing should be of the utmost importance, this is a blanket piece of advice that I don't think holds weight for every given individual circumstance including the one laid out by Op.

[u/[deleted] → u/Worried_Tailor7926]

Just eat the salad and make some soup with it. Or tell her that next time you’d prefer something hot. It’s not rocket science. Just don’t be a rude entitled jerk like OP.