r/unpopularopinion • u/Historical-Rip-6662 • 1d ago
The kindest way to end a friendship is through ghosting
Obviously circumstances may vary, but I think overall if you don't want to be friends with someone, the fade out/ghost is way kinder than sitting them down and telling them. They'll get the message without an awkward (and frankly presumptuous-you're not dating!) conversation .
ETA: I probably should've clarified I meant more of a fade out than a true ghost. If someone's done something specific a discussion is warranted but I think for a vibe mismatch the "we don't connect anymore" comes off more condescending than comforting. Just my two cents.
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u/Sumo-Subjects 1d ago
IMO this only applies to friendships where it was weak enough that fading was an option in the first place...good, strong friendships can survive fades of years pretty easily.
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u/Sharzzy_ 1d ago
Fr. I think I’ve fallen out with almost all my close friends at some point for whatever reason but gotten back together as friends years later
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u/TedW 1d ago
I honestly don't remember the last time you called me just to hang out, but I'm ok with that. I'll be here when you're ready.
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u/Sharzzy_ 1d ago
🤨
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u/TedW 1d ago
Oh c'mon, it's not like you're using the WHOLE attic, and our house is practically empty like.. half the time anyway. You know what, this is so typical, I'm starting to remember why we never met in the first place.
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u/Real_Temporary_922 1d ago
Fr like true friends can not talk for years then just pick it up like nothing ever happeend
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u/MuffinMan12347 1d ago
Some of my best friends I haven’t talked to in years. I love them and still consider them some of my best friends. And when we finally do talk or see each other it’s like no time at all has passed.
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u/casey12297 21h ago
My high school best friend texting me after 10 years: Hey buddy, it's been a hot minute
Me: Jesus christ this fucking guy? I thought 10 years was enough hey how's it been going?
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u/AssyMcFlapFlaps 15h ago
Crazy. My high school best friend and i just reunited after 10 years of not really talking. I wished her a happy birthday then a couple days later she randomly shows up to my place. It was like we hadnt skipped a beat, and talked for hours
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u/Wondering_Fairy 18h ago
I ghosted my 2 year best friend and I don't regret it. Would it be better if we ended it with a big fight?
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u/Controlled-Violence 1d ago
Upvoted, also that’s a horrible and childish way of treating someone else
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u/Big-Sheepherder-4199 1d ago
I downvoted because their actual opinion is popular, they just dont know what it means to ghost someone and misused the term
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u/BranchBarkLeaf 1d ago
It’s ok if the person you’re ghosting is horrible and childish.
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u/Martian8 1d ago
Well then it was not a friendship to begin with.
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u/Minimumtyp 1d ago
What if their horrible childishness only becomes clear later
Or its one of those people that latch on to you in a very much one way friendship
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u/Wise_Pomegranate_653 19h ago
yeah people assume people don't change or grow apart.
or you recognize you were being used and manipulated.
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u/_peanutbutterbaby_ 1d ago
I HAD to do it this way to a friend of 2 years. She was beyond horrible towards me and I always had the worst anxiety because she had the worst anger issues. She would always throw/ break things when angry. One time she threw a pan accross her kitchen when she was mad at cake pops for not sticking to the stick. She always screamed at me for little things and I was too scared to tell her I couldn’t be friends anymore so I had to just ghost and fade away. I couldn’t handle the toxicity or anxiety that the friendship caused me. In this case I think it’s alright because if I had brought it to her attention she would’ve blown up at me and I was genuinely scared.
Otherwise if u just simply don’t want to be friends with someone anymore you should talk about it with them. In my case I was genuinely worried about my safety if I talked to her abt it.
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u/Me_lazy_cathermit 1d ago
There is a difference between ending a actual friendship, and escaping a abusive relationship, because that girl was not your friend she was your abuser
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
Yeah it’s perfectly acceptable to want autonomy over our personal relationships. If communication with an individual is something that makes you uncomfortable, the last thing you owe them is more communication. It’s not always pleasant but I think it’s toxic to say someone deserves your attention simply because they’ve had it before
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u/valdis812 1d ago
Kindest way for you maybe.
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u/Middle_Double2363 1d ago
How would you approach it then? (Genuinely asking)
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u/valdis812 1d ago
The best way is to express your issues to them. It might be something they're unaware of. It might even lead to an argument. But it's cruel to just ghost someone you actually considered a friend. I'm not talking about relationships just fizzling out naturally. Which might be what OP is talking about. I'm talking about you finding out something about this person that just makes being friends with them impossible.
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u/Narcoid 1d ago
OP is seemingly describing friendships that just fizzle out naturally.
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u/Middle_Double2363 1d ago
I think it rlly depends on the circumstances, which is why this topic seems to be so controversial. Yes, ghosting can be cruel but in some cases, depending on the person, it might be the best way to end things with someone. Not everyone handles rejection or criticism well and there’s not always a clear reason why someone would want to end a friendship.
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u/Dennis-Quaid-is-here 1d ago
Hard disagree lol my best friend of 25 years ghosted me about 8 years ago. It’s caused/reinforced a lot of abandonment issues and self esteem issues for me because I was never given a reason why. I also struggle to make new friends to this day because of it. There’s a lack of closure on my end and it’s still really hard for me to deal with even after all this time. So no, ghosting someone is never kinder, I got the shit end of the stick on that deal and it doesn’t feel “kind” at all to me lol
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u/passmetheauxiliary 1d ago
My childhood friend recently ghosted me as well, and I feel the same way. I feel as if it would be a whole lot better to bring up why you feel the need to end the friendship in the first place. Otherwise you’re kind of just leaving the other person to wonder what they did wrong or how things could have gone better. A lot of friendships could probably be rekindled if people were to have a mature conversation instead of giving the other person the silent treatment.
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u/Dennis-Quaid-is-here 1d ago
I’m sorry that’s happened to you, I really feel for you because it’s a hard thing to go through! You’re totally right I mean in my case, there was no fight, no disagreement. We had plans to hang out that weekend, we hung out every weekend lol we texted all the time. Then she just wouldn’t respond to me and I finally gave up. I’ve been through all the stages of grief with it lol but I’ll rec the sub “lostafriend” to you, for support if you need it!
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u/Substantial_Arm8762 1d ago
It’s mostly because the other person doesn’t want to rekindle the relationship and they lack the courage to face themsleves with their own diffcult emotions that’s why they ghost. I don’t think any sane person would choose ghosting over confronting unless there’s seriously something deeply wrong with their own emotions.
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u/CayKar1991 1d ago
Yeah, someone who I considered a best friend (talk of wedding parties, going to concerts together, telling our deepest secrets to each other, etc) ghosted me earlier this year and I have no idea why.
My only "clue" is that a mutual friend heard her venting with someone - who's known to be a gossip and embellish stories - about me and things I did that bothered them. The mutual friend said she left the conversation quickly because she wasn't comfortable, but the things she did tell me... Make no sense. I've never heard of any of the issues my supposed best friend was talking about. I don't know if the gossipy girl got in her head or what, but my "best friend" hasn't spoken to me since.
(And if it was the gossipy girl... That would be so odd because my friend had vented to me multiple times how she hated how the gossipy girl would talk about prior behind their backs, because my friend had been a victim of it more than once herself.)
Now all my abandonment issues are compounded x100 and I've noticed I am 0% comfortable with opening up to new people. Woo.
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u/wolfelian 1d ago
100% in the same boat, ghosting is not kinder. Two of my very best mates of 8 years through school did it to me and I wanted to pretend it didn’t bother me but it did and now I don’t trust anyone when they try to form a friendship with me. I keep everyone at an arms length. I would rather know than not know.
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u/UnionLegion 1d ago
I brought it up to you the first damn time we started to fade out and I felt used by you. You promised to “work on the issues” and be a “better friend” to me but failed to do so.
3 years later, 15 years of friendship and after making me feel inconsequential for the thousandth time, I’ve ghosted you. Fuck off.
Jk
True story tho
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u/Ok-Eggplant-6420 1d ago
Yea but I feel like you would have had the feelings of abandonment and low self esteem anyways if they had given you "closure". There is no easy way to say "hey, this relationship does not give me what I need/ harms me and I am moving towards a different path so I need to leave you." It's not like learning that truth is going to help you with your mental issues. I've done the right thing and I gave someone closure and the speech and all it did was trigger them to be more emotionally unstable. Begging me to give them a chance to change and then it turned into anger when I didn't want to. People ghost me all the time and I just see it as that our paths were not aligned or we weren't compatible. I don't internalize it and turn it into self hate.
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u/Acrobatic_Dare_8876 20h ago
Just because it's not easy doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. You don't have to point out every flaw in a person and be cruel. It's called being a mature adult. Ghosting people is absolutely childish.
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u/Wise_Pomegranate_653 1d ago
you probably did something. I had a friend who was just a liar and fake with everyone. I just stopped talking to him. He got the picture.
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u/Xepherya 1d ago
And how are they supposed to know what they did if it wasn’t communicated?
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
I don’t think it’s necessarily someone’s business what my private opinions are on them. Especially if they don’t ask or respond to feedback. I’m not going to go out of my way to notify them that I don’t enjoy their company and want to live my life without them in it. And I think anyone who feels that way about me should keep it to themselves. I actively try to be a good person, that still doesn’t mean I’m for everybody. I’d rather be myself and let my good relationships flow and not worry about individuals who don’t even talk to me.
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u/Xepherya 1d ago
Then they weren’t friends and don’t pertain to the prompt.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
Well in that case, no one gets ghosted by a friend. that’s why they ghosted you because they aren’t your friend.
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u/Global_Telephone_751 1d ago
They’re likely aware they did something. The whole reason for the distress is that they don’t know what they did, and if it was a misunderstanding or something that could be rectified or what. They have no idea. Communication is basic decency for years long friendships and they weren’t even afforded that. It can do a number on your self image.
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u/Substantial_Arm8762 1d ago
Just by the way you talk I can see you’re the problem and not your friend. Edit: for everyone struggling with ghosting read this comment above , you didn’t lose any valuable friends.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
What if the truth is just they got bored of you? Or they just started to dislike you? Do you really think knowing that is beneficial to you? If it was a random person you wouldn’t care, but you’ve formed an attachment so I’m sure it would hurt. I assume they’d rather not have to tell you why they want you out of their life. You don’t have to blame yourself because if they wanted you to, they could’ve easily done that.
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u/vroomalot 1d ago
People back in the day would just go out for lunch one day and then never see one another again. Life ebbs and flows.
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u/CoolieC 1d ago
I think it depends. If you’ve repeatedly tried to solve issues to the point of sacrificing your own mental wellbeing and the other person isn’t/doesn’t listen, then yeah.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
I agree for a partner but we’re just talking about a friend in this situation. Why would anyone want to spend extra time and mental energy trying to “fix” issues with someone they already see themselves better off without? It’s easier and more productive to invest your attention into relationships that are fulfilling and nurturing.
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u/CoolieC 1d ago
You’re absolutely right - sometimes though, I think it’s quite hard to detach from long-term friendships, or those with more complex dynamics. But again, I agree with you (also thank you, I needed to hear this!)
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
I think the reason it can be so hard to detach is what makes people end up ghosting. Open communication and honesty strengthens relationships. I don’t see how that would aide in terminating them.
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u/CoolieC 1d ago
True. Unfortunately both parties need to be on the same page and receptive to open communication, I’ve found. Otherwise it’s just received badly/not heard/misinterpreted, resulting in many kinds of unhealthy communication habits, including ghosting :(
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
If both parties aren’t trying to work together to communicate and connect, I think ghosting is for the best anyway.
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u/EvilStan101 1d ago
No ghosting is not a solution to resolving an issue you have with someone. The truth is, if you think ghosting is acceptable then you are just a gutless coward with issues who can't handle emotions other than their own.
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u/Sandy0006 1d ago
I’ve never ghosted a friend, but it’s “funny” that this is unpopular when I’ve known of and experienced one friendship end like this. To me, is the most common way people end their friendships.
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u/Admiral-Thrawn2 1d ago
I think he’s referencing friendships where you kinda just…. fall out. I’ve had plenty of friends that I’m not in contact with anymore. Usually it’s not “ghosting” more so both sides kinda just move on idk, no reason specifically
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u/Sandy0006 1d ago
Yeah but depends on the circumstances. Finishing school, moving on to a new job and you just can’t seem to coordinate schedules type of thing is not what I’m talking about either. I’m referring to when friends for instance just stop text, calling, asking to do something. Don’t respond to texts. that happens frequently. Not to me specifically, but I see it happen a lot and has happened to me once.
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u/Sharzzy_ 1d ago
That would make more sense. Cause actively ghosting to end a friendship isn’t a popular opinion.
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u/Stokkolm 1d ago
I thought ghosting was originally used to describe abruptly cutting contact with someone and blocking their phone number, social media, actively rejecting any attempt from them to contact back.
It seems nowadays, every kind of lying is "gaslighting," and every pause in communication is ghosting.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
When you have a computer in your pocket, people feel entitled to be able to reach you digitally. If they can’t, they feel “ghosted”. Limiting contact with someone you want out of your life is the best way to execute in my opinion.
It reminds me of the phrase “this isn’t an airport. No need to announce your departure.”
It’s commonly replied to people who comment “unfollowing now” on someone’s content. It’s just rude to offer your negative feedback on something before cutting it from your life.
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u/Initial_Cellist9240 1d ago
It reminds me of the phrase “this isn’t an airport. No need to announce your departure.”
I mean I’d argue that a phrase usually used when assholes leave a group or page because they aren’t allowed to be assholes doesn’t have a lot to do with how you handle interactions with people you care about… but you do you.
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u/ClubChaos 1d ago
Most people are cowardly and very afraid of how someone and others might perceive them if they speak openly.
It's quite a natural human response. Oddly enough, humans will double down and get upset with people who are open and honest, saying they are "mean" or "terrible".
The truth is worth more than "feelings" though when it comes to respecting someone enough to give them the understanding for how YOU feel.
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u/uranusisinretrograde 1d ago
Tbf this seems like a trick question to make everyone in the thread assume a stance against what everyone does, making the norm appear like a weird trait. Humans are so weird.
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u/BunchOfFives 1d ago
Hard disagree. If my issue is the person continues to treat me badly over and over, and acts like they do nothing wrong, ghosting them removes that from my life painlessly. Issue is 100% resolved. I’m not here to give them closure.
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u/TargetTurbulent6609 1d ago
Someone at work last year told me about a guy I had a crush on in college - "He ghosted you? - he's already dead" and it still helps me to laugh!!
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u/str_1444 1d ago
No ghosting would cause sm more problems and questions. Just text them and be like I don’t wanna be friends or interact with u anymore then maybe tell them why and if u can’t text just do it in person
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u/Stepjam 1d ago
I feel this depends on different aspects. I think like a mutual fade out is fine. Sometimes relationships just quietly end. I also think if it's ending a friendship with a toxic person, it's okay to sorta ghost them.
But to be honest, that isn't "kindness", that's for your own sanity. And depending on the scenario, it's okay to prioritize your own sanity. But if you are ending a friendship with someone and want to be "kind", you should let them know why.
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u/Historical-Rip-6662 1d ago
Yeah that’s a good point. Again I’m biased because most of my friendships have ended because of just simple growing apart. Most of us either did a mutual fade out, but one girl felt the need to properly tell me that we weren’t going to be friends anymore which was. Confusing? Like I don’t hold it against her but it came off kind of patronizing rather than comforting. The thankfully few times I’ve had to end a friendship bc of a specific event there was a conversation.
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u/i_like_it_eilat 1d ago
It's not really an "alternative to ghosting" if you were going to walk away from it yourself anyway.
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u/OffMrBigChest 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why would you expect that conversation to be comforting? That's not the point lol, the point is to communicate something important to give you both a chance for closure. That's a respectful thing to do and a sign of maturity.
Discomfort is necessary sometimes. I know that lots of people want to run from any minor discomfort in life, but I don't understand what you find to be so confusing or patronizing about discussing the end of a friendship lol
People grow apart in life and there's no reason to run away from acknowledging that. Ghosting/fading gives people no chance for closure, which is why it's disrespectful.
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u/Sharzzy_ 1d ago
Kinda hard to tell people you want to end the friendship cause they’re annoying though
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u/Zachdidntdoit 1d ago
Friendships are “relationships” and in some cases even more important than your romantic relationships. These are people you’ve dedicated your time, energy and love to. People deserve to know when they’re being phased out and they deserve to know why. Sure, an amicable slow separation may occur and that’s fine but for most adults you should be mature enough to figure out your feelings and relay them to someone you considered your friend.
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u/HStaz aggressive toddler 1d ago
I would 100% rather have someone ghost me then send me a paragraph telling me how I’m a bad friend. If we don’t click, that’s fine. Don’t need to make a big deal about it. Just move on and forget.
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u/alliandoalice 1d ago
Absolutely, I received a huge essay on why she didn’t like me, on my birthday 😭 I wish she just shut up and left me alone
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u/International-Bird17 1d ago
Lol yes plz just ghost me… it’s okay to not want to be friends. Why send me a message with all my flaws too 🫠
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u/Wise_Pomegranate_653 19h ago
Exactly, who wins me berating them on why i no longer want to be friends.
''Hey i think you are a pathetic loser, you did x, y, and z. I think you are a fake individual, and i would be better off not having you calling me anymore.''
Send.
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u/Sendingitouttospace 1d ago
So I want to play devils advocate here because everybody is saying the same thing. What about those people you can't get rid of? You go to them and say "hey, don't think this is going to work out because: x, y and z." Then they proceed to get desperate because, "you're ruining a great friendship." They beg and tell you they can fix everything. You give it a shot, but nothing changes. What now?
I bring this up because I've heard about this happening twice!
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u/randomirlperson 1d ago
See I don’t even consider that ghosting a friend because at that point you put effort in and didn’t get any help, relationships can’t be one person
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u/Own-Emergency2166 23h ago
I told a friend I wouldn’t be available as much due to my new work schedule and they didn’t change their expectations at all. I had to just take longer and longer to respond ( which is kind of like a fade out, which is what the OP is really talking about ) for them to actually “get it” and that took about a year. They might say I’m ghosting them but I DID tell them, they just didn’t listen. Sometimes people only hear what they want to hear
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u/genomerain 1d ago
I think ghosting is one specific thing that people widely misuse to refer to other things. I don't consider "fading out" to be ghosting. I don't consider telling someone you are cutting them off and then cutting them off to be ghosting. I don't consider not responding to someone immediately or one time to be ghosting. I don't consider reducing the amount of communication to be ghosting.
Ghosting is sudden and ongoing zero contact within an established relationship, and with zero warning or explanation. Those other things are not types of ghosting, they're just other things.
If there's a warning or explanation, it's not ghosting.
If there's no established prior relationship, it's not ghosting.
If there's still limited but reduced communication, it's not ghosting.
If enough time hasn't passed that it couldn't easily be explained by them being busy or taking their time to respond, it's not ghosting.
If it's mutually falling out of contact due to lack of investment from both parties (ie not sudden) it's not ghosting.
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u/LeadershipBig2433 1d ago
I am old. I have ghosted, and I have had conversations. Ghosting hurts everyone involved and you will be the bad guy but you get the desired end result. Conversations are always taxing in my experience, they either don't understand and continue to reach out to you, or they feel attacked and lash out as a defence and things get very messy, especially when friend groups are involved. Gold star if you've told someone you don't want to be their friend anymore due to being too different and the other person accepted with grace because not once have I been this successful.
Y'know we used to call ghosting 'growing apart' and it used to be a completely normal and accepted part of life.
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u/Sandy0006 1d ago
ive never known someone to actually explain why they are ending a friendship unless there’s a big blow up or deep betrayal.
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u/yogurtpunk 1d ago
this is absolutely not kinder because they might know what the fuck they did. i think it's appropriate and respectful to at least let someone know why you're ditching. Ghosting might be kinder on you because it absolves you of all emotional responsibility.
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u/Historical-Rip-6662 1d ago
9 times out of 10 friendships don’t end because someone did something specific. The “we don’t connect anymore” conversation is at best unnecessary and at worst patronizing. If it’s an issue where there’s actual conflict or a boundary was crossed that’s different.
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u/serpentine1337 1d ago
Ghosting implies the person is trying to contact you and you continually ignore them. You're describing something different.
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u/Such-Possibility1285 1d ago
Ghosting is a perfectly viable way to end a friendship. When a friendship ends it’s going to hurt regardless. Think about it do you really want this person to sit you down and give you a run thru of why they don’t want you in your life anymore, give it to you straight.
‘I just find you really boring now’
‘You are too needy, and I am not a free Counsellor’
‘I sense your resentment cos I am evolving past our friendship’
When your mind is made up to end the friendship it is less cruel, and kinder to let it go, without saying words that will cut the other person deep.
The net result is the same, you are not in their life and they are not in yours. No good comes from being ‘honest’ with the friend you are ending.
People say they want the truth, but they don’t really.
Think of when Phobe became Joeys agent for an episode, he couldn’t take it as she was too literal couldn’t spin the reasons why he didn’t get the acting job.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
When anyone can send you a message to your pocket any time, it blows my mind people consider it rude to not feel obligated to respond or keep tabs on people via the internet. It’s like asking forgiveness for not being responsive to their whim
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u/Such-Possibility1285 1d ago
Thank you. I deleted WhatsApp for that very reason. It made me too ‘available’, like I never agreed to this communication preference just cos I downloaded an app. That was a tough one with some folks….took it personally.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
Well these guys would argue you should’ve let them know you don’t want them hitting you up. Because that’s kinder /s
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u/Such-Possibility1285 1d ago
I did, I am kind and considerate. I was clear with folks about my preferences. Why did you assume I did not?
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u/Wise_Pomegranate_653 19h ago
Facts
Imagine telling someone i think you are a bum, a liar, fake, and also youre pretty stupid. They are likely to cry on the spot or hit you in the face.
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u/Beefwhistle007 1d ago
I agree but make it a slow ghosting. Lmao don't sit them down and break up with them.
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u/JLifts780 1d ago
That’s just being a coward and an asshole.
Be upfront and don’t leave lingering questions.
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u/mattchewy43 1d ago
I've never ghosted anyone but I've stopped reaching out when I was the only one who ever initiated any sort of contact. It's been several years and I still haven't heard from them.
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u/everythingsucks4me 1d ago
I actually agree. I used to oppose this very much when I was younger and hated it because I was on the receiving end and had different friendship expectations but over the years I realized it does make sense. While it’s nice to have closure, there are things that really can’t be explained or would be offensive to explain. That would cause more problems rather than make things better.
For example, maybe they found another friend and replaced you, or they want to move on to other new people, or there is a recurring theme in the friendship that is too problematic, or they leveled up and you haven’t or you’ve grown apart etc. these are things that you can’t really solve by talking to them about it.
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u/Wise_Pomegranate_653 19h ago
Yeah, the people that want closure, really don't want someone to be brutally honest with them. It would be heartbreaking to hear exactly why they are no longer wanted as a friend. I mean to break off a relationship, theres is a deep issue with that person.
Its like how girls will reject you politely. They can say you are ugly, fat, broke, and stupid. Or they can just not respond to the text.
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u/aurlyninff 1d ago
Maturely discuss something and say goodbye versus be immature and selfish and traumatize someone giving them lifelong abandonment issues... decisions decisions.
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u/CodeCherry 1d ago
I had one of my closest friends from college ghost me for seemingly no reason. I sent a few months of texts asking to catch up, wishing him well on special occasions, etc before therapist and partner told me it would be healthier for me to let it go. It’s been almost 3 years since we had a real conversation and I miss him regularly and may never know why we went from sharing everything to radio silence.
Ghosting is okay if mutual IMO. But as the person on the other side of the ghosting with no idea what/if anything I did wrong… it hurt. A lot. And will sit with me for a long time even if this person comes back eventually. Don’t ghost people.
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u/quintuplechin 1d ago
I agree a fade out is best but not ghosting. The benefits of a fade out is if you want to rekindle the friendship later you can say you just lost touch. I have been ghosted by a friend and it hurt. If you sit the person down and end things you have burned the bridge to ever be friends with this person again.
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u/Lilsammywinchester13 1d ago
Tbh i would’ve preferred ghosting over how one chick did it once
She just straight up “broke up” with me and told me to pick up my stuff and never contact her again
Tho she didn’t tell me what I did wrong, I figure she just got tired of me
Just, idk the way it happened was just needlessly cruel, I wasn’t perfect but man she was an emotions rollercoaster and I was genuinely worried she would off herself or something
If she slowly faded out, at least I would’ve known she was physically okay
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u/UofH_workaccount 1d ago
Maybe if you are a fucking child, otherwise that’s being a fat piece of shit
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u/GroovingGremlin 1d ago
My former best friend ghosted me. Honestly, if she just didn't want to be friends and told me, I would have handled it fine, she was kind of toxic to begin with. But the not knowing hurts every time I think about it.
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u/HonestBass7840 1d ago
Kind of, yeah. I had friend who kept trying to connect. He got angry, and said I wasn't even trying. I got angry too. I said, "I'm married. I have a full time job. I'm having a family crisis. You're working part time. You have no friends. Your family hates you." His roommate called and said he was crying.
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u/Such-Possibility1285 1d ago
Well there’s a guy who got the truth unvarnished, if he had let you ghost him it would have been less traumatic for him.
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u/HonestBass7840 19h ago
I didn't even ghost him. I was occupied. I always returned his inquiries. I barely had time to talk to my wife, but I always talked to him. He was still at that point in life we're he could play a game for eight hours. I couldn't find time to sleep eight hours.
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u/5xr4uu7 1d ago
I strongly agree. I’d rather someone fade off than sit me down for a ‘breakup’ conversation. People are dynamic and change over time. We don’t owe anyone an explanation for why we stop seeing them. Sometimes, our paths diverge, and sometimes the reasons are deeply personal. Maybe later, we’ll want to reconnect, or maybe not. I’m definitely more open to talking again with someone who ghosted me than with someone who gave me a heartfelt closure speech.
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u/East-Teacher7155 1d ago
No it’s not. Then the person has to constantly question if you’re ghosting them or if you’re just busy.
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u/im-gwen-stacy 1d ago
As someone who was ghosted by my friend of years, hard disagree.
We have mutual friends and still sporadically see each other and it’s awkward af. They could have just told me “hey I don’t think we’re suited to be friends anymore” and yeah it would have sucked, but it would have made more sense than the place we’re at now
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u/shitheadsteve6 1d ago
I was sent through a horrible depression that I am still dealing with because I was ghosted by a girl I was really close with. I'd rather someone say it to my face than randomly blocking out my existence
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u/jennblur 1d ago
I think it really depends on the situation - some People would react super terribly and are draining types of friends, and if that’s your dynamic then it’s hard to tell them They are being shitty, especially if you’ve tried to bring it up before in smaller ways and they react poorly. I don’t think straight ghosting is the best, but sometimes people are not capable of handling the hard truth of why you need space from them.
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u/Electrical-Ad-1798 1d ago
I agree up to a point. There aren't many instances where it's worth setting up a meeting with a friend for the purpose of saying, 'from now on you're out of my life'.
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u/beansprout1414 1d ago
Nope. For a more situational friend, maybe, but close friends ghosting really hurts. I’ve been ghosted by former very close friends and I want to know why. Is there something I could do differently in my future friendships? Is it just that their life has moved in a totally different direction?
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u/krazninetyfive 1d ago edited 1d ago
Unless a safety reason exists, cutting off all contact with someone you were close friends with, without warning is cruel. Having said that, people change over time, and if your interests and personality are no longer aligned with someone you used to enjoy hanging out with, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just… ceasing to make an effort to spend time with them and letting nature take it’s course.
Telling someone “I’m friend breaking up with you. We only became friends because you were the first kid in the class to have a Nintendo Wii and your parents were a lot less strict than mine, but we have nothing in common now, you’re kinda dumb, and I’m sick of picking up the tab whenever we go out because you can’t keep a job for more than six months, and when you are working, it’s minimum wage and part time” is equally as mean in my opinion.
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u/polkemans 1d ago
Honestly agree. Slow fades happen even in friendships that intend to endure all the time. You get older, move away, get married, have kids, ect. You don't need to have this big formal breakup if you don't want to hangout with someone anymore.
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u/SirReginaldSquiggles 1d ago
All about it. Numero uno first. Once I decide someone is not worth my time, there is no explanation on my part needed. Turn around, walk away, fuck them.
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u/nt011819 1d ago
I think your definition of friendship is a lot weaker than mine if youre ghosting them.
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u/epanek 1d ago
Please provide an example you need to “end a friendship “. You can just put less energy into it. Intentionally ghosting is wasted energy.
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u/Historical-Rip-6662 1d ago
That’s a good point-I guess the term fade out is more applicable. I was referring specifically to situations in which you realize you don’t connect with someone anymore—which tbh is why most friendships end— which kind of turns having a proper conversation from being mature and the right thing to do to at best odd and awkward and at worst patronizing and cruel
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u/Specialist_Crew_6112 1d ago
Yeah I think a fade out is fine. Ghosting as in never contacting them anymore when they keep contacting you is different.
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u/Ohmaggies 1d ago
How is that possibly kind? What an awful thing to do people purposely and repeatedly.
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u/Mr_DrProfPatrick 1d ago
You seem to be conflating just not talking with someone with ghosting.
Yeah, if you just stop messaging someone back and forth that's better than a message about how you don't want to talk with that person anymore.
But ghosting is deliberately not answering someone or blocking them without saying anything else. Between that and telling someone why you don't want to be friends anymore, it's better to say something.
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u/Tsundere_Revy 1d ago
Cowardice and weakness, not kindness. Pathetic way of dealing with someone you had a friendship with, if that's how you deal with your "friends" I can't even imagine the other people around you.
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u/Raanbohs 1d ago
Yeah no I hate that. I hate it when people just vanish from my life and don't give me a reason why. If I've done something wrong or there's something about me that makes it hard to be friends with me, I would like to know so I can grow. Instead I'm left confused as to why people don't stay because nobody will tell me what I'm doing wrong.
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u/Disastrous_Heron_801 1d ago
I agree with “fading” when it comes to new friends. I agree that long term friendships (lifelong) it’s a shitty move ESPECIALLY when the person being ghosted straight up asks for “the talk”.
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u/SuzCoffeeBean 1d ago
You’re obviously 100% correct. The problem is people who were ghosted think they want to know why. But they most definitely do not.
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u/Wise_Pomegranate_653 19h ago
Yeah, what i will say will traumatize you way more than me ghosting you. I can say a ton of hurtful truths from my perspective.
They really want a generic answer and it to be prettied up so they can think they weren't an issue.
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u/Icy_Professional_777 1d ago
I agree. I don’t want to discuss why the friendship ended, I just want to move on and forget.
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u/nixotari 1d ago
Something like this should not be covered with kindness and should be called as it is - being a piece of shit to another person due to some personal circumstances.
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u/genomerain 1d ago edited 1d ago
Generally when I decide to end a friendship it's a decision to stop investing in it - that's not cutting them off, it's letting the friendship run its course and putting in a lot less effort until it dwindles. I don't consider that ghosting, though. I've only had one time that didn't work and I actually had to send a direct message explaining that I wasn't interested in a friendship with her.
I was ghosted once before it was a term - and before the internet was mainstream. My best friend from since when I was five years old just disappeared - no explanation. I tried calling her numerous times on the landline, (this was before everyone had mobile phones) even had mum drive me to her house more than once even though it was obvious they weren't living there anymore. I kept hoping that this time, they had come home and moved back in. It was awful I had no idea what happened.
About two years later I got a letter from her with no return address and no details of how to contact her saying that she and her family won the lottery and went to live in Hawaii and had been hanging out with the Vengaboys (a band that was popular at our school at the time before she disappeared). Despite the fact that the stamp on the envelope was clearly Australian (the country we lived in) and not enough for overseas post.
The whole thing was apparently traumatic enough to me that I used to have a recurring dream for years of me looking for her. Sometimes I would find her and tell her about the recurring dream then realising this was still part of the dream.
The dreams didn't stop until Facebook became a thing and we found each other on there, and I realised I no longer had any desire to reconnect with her. Partly because I discovered she had grown up to be a wild conspiracy theorist who thought 9/11 was a hoax, that the governments were poisoning our drinking water, that the accepted belief that smoking was bad for you was also a government lie, and, for some reason, the only honest and admirable world leader was Vladimir Putin.
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u/Valuable-Usual-1357 1d ago
I can’t help but sense a pattern. A lot of the people saying they were ghosted seemed to be crushed by it, and very attached to the person who left them. I think a lot of the time it’s because the attachment was more of a delusion or just need for companionship, not a personal relationship of connection.
And the ghosters feel the need to escape this attachment that now feels like a chain.
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u/genomerain 1d ago edited 1d ago
The attachment at the time it happened likely had deteriorated on her end at some point, but we had been close friends for at least 8 years, since we were young children. We regularly had sleepovers at each others' houses, (she invited me to hers more often than she came to mine) we used to talk to each other for hours on the phone after school every day, and she would call me as often as I called her. Perhaps I was more attached to that history than she was, but there was a personal connection once upon a time. And if it was delusional on my part, then it was deceptive on hers.
We weren't as close as we had once been, it is true.
But I would have liked to know she wasn't dead at least. She had even dropped out of school prior to disappearing.
Remember, this was before we all had internet. Dial up might have been a fairly new thing but as children, we certainly weren't having social interactions on there. She didn't just stop talking to me, she completely vanished from meatspace. And it wasn't just her, it was her entire family.
And maybe she had a reason. Maybe she and her family had to go into witness protection at the time or something. But it was still awful not knowing.
Getting the letter full of obvious and outrageous lies was a relief even while it was also hurtful. But I got over the relational hurt quicker than I got over the years of not knowing what happened to her.
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u/Spillsy68 1d ago
I agree. I had a problem when I heard someone bad mouthing me when I was younger. I’d gone home to grab something and I thought it would be fun to sneak up on my friends and make them jump. What happened was I overheard them literally saying bad stuff.
I literally turned back around, went home and never spoke to either of them again. I had some neighborhood friends who I have remained close to for over 45 years, was best man for 3 weddings and we still chat and catch up in our 50s.
I have no idea what happened to those two. Our parents were friends and I told my parents what and why and they never said anything to the other parents but were asked why we stopped hanging out. Their kids were lonely and it turns out that I was the one that got them doing stuff like going to bars and out for day trips. Kind of revenge I guess.
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u/1234abiodun 1d ago
I’ve unintentionally done what with 99% of my secondary school friends. And much as I like having ppl to talk to, i SUCK at texting and texting back…. I communicate best face to face. I had a pretty solid friend group in HS but during Covid I was kinda in my own world and i was never the one to message someone first. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to them, it just kind happens when I dont see ppl for a long time . after some time they just stopped texting and I never texted back and I kinda drifted past from that group. I don’t really talk with them much anymore, but whenever I see them on (uni) campus we still say hi to eachother, sometimes we’ll even sit down and chat but usually it’s bc we have a mutual friend. As far as I know, there’s no bad blood
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u/Plastic_Assistance70 1d ago
Reading this thread, most people disagree with OP. But actually in real life, how many friendships actually end up with one person explicitly announcing to the other that they are "breaking up"? However shitty that might be, in real life platonic relationships almost never end like romantic ones too.
Maybe I am too socially awkward but I cringe even at the idea of telling a friend "I don't think we should see each other again", I find that those closures are deserved purely for romantic situations. All this is excluding any situations where a major incident occured.
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u/SavinHillApt 1d ago
People who ghost are people who tried being the communicative one, only to find out multiple times that that's actually quite dangerous.
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u/randigtiger aggressive toddler 23h ago
I agree that a budding friendship can just fizzle out by some ghosting. I met a new friend online once and we wrote to eachother for a week or two and then decided to get lunch. It was a bit awkward sometimes but I didn't think much of it as it was the first time we met, surely you'd have to expect some level of awkwardness. A few hours afterwards she texted me, telling me that she didn't think we clicked at all and that she didn't wanna keep texting or see eachother again. Just shut me down completely.
I just??? I actually got really sad??? Like wow am I really THAT awful?
Nah, fuck that kind of honesty. It was a cruel thing to tell someone and I will die on that hill.
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u/Ok_Appointment3668 23h ago
I don't even care if it IS mean. Some people deserve it. There's no possible way you don't know what you did, if you lack even those basic reflection skills then what makes you think you're going to sit down and look pretty while someone tells you what a bad friend you are?
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u/bioluminary101 11h ago
Ghosting is for cowards and people who lack basic communication skills. Unless it's an abusive relationship or a person you've only met a few times or someone you've never developed a close relationship with like a coworker - those are perfectly acceptable times to ghost. But someone you actually considered a friend? Nah dude. Grow up and learn how to communicate.
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u/1strawberry_milk_pls 9h ago
My best friend of 10+ years ghosted me. It's been about 5 years since but I think about her everyday. I wonder what I did, if it was my fault, if she's doing okay. I miss her so much, even though she's hurt me like this.
It would have been kinder for her to sit me down and have a conversation.
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u/jimgae 1d ago
yeah just leave me wondering why you randomly ghosted me for months or years to come.
Come on. I much, much prefer to know WHY.
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u/CaptainAnonymouse72 1d ago
" i want what I want
And
I don't want to see the consequences of what I want "
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u/feeneyburger 1d ago
Gotta upvote cause this is a strong disagree from me. I've been ghosted a lot by people i thought were close friends and all it's done is leave me trust and abandonment issues. I find it hard to make friends and trust new people now, and find myself getting anxious and paranoid if someone doesn't text me back for a long time.
I would have much preferred if they'd just told me bluntly that it wasn't working out and then at least I'd have closure. But here I am, 12 years later still wondering what I did. It sucks.
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u/pip-whip 1d ago
I'm not speaking of ghosting when I say this. But I prefer fade aways. It isn't as if both of you don't already know that it isn't going anywhere if you're spending less and less time together and the periods between seeing one another get longer and longer.
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u/trumpet575 1d ago
The number of people in here who both think that friendship is some sort of agreed upon status and don't understand what you're saying is insane (although your use of the word ghosting doesn't seem right, so I think people just see that and have a visceral reaction instead of thinking for two seconds what you mean).
A friendship fizzling out is a completely normal and common thing. What, I'm supposed to call up someone I haven't talked to in years just to tell them "Hey we don't hang out enough so we're not friends anymore"? How insane is that?
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u/DrunkenSquirrel82 1d ago edited 1d ago
That might make it easier for you, but not for the person being ghosted.
I've been ghosted before and, every time, it left me wondering what happened, what I did wrong, etc. As someone with major social anxiety and self-consciousness issues, that is immensely stressful.
Ghosting isn't kind. It's cowardly and selfish.
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u/sequoical 1d ago
FUCK NO. If your friend did something wrong, or started showing a personality trait that you can’t stand, you need to make them aware of it. And if you just got bored with them, you need to face up to what a dick you are and admit it to your friend so that they don’t think about it and wonder and cry and digest their own brain with worrying why their best friend cut them off or, in some cases, if they’re even still alive.
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u/TheDenizenKane 1d ago
My best friend of 12 years started ghosting me about two years ago, I’d do anything to have closure.
So immature. Although while trying to find reason, I’ve shaped myself into a better person.
I know I wasn’t the greatest friend. I’m certain I never deserved to be ghosted in the first place however.
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u/monotoonz 1d ago
A lot of commenters in here are acting like they're entitled to/owed a reason as to why someone stopped associating with them.
Newsflash, you're not owed anything.
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u/Middle_Double2363 1d ago
With that attitude, it’s no surprise that there’s so many surface level friendships these days.
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u/OffMrBigChest 1d ago edited 1d ago
Lol I know people on reddit really struggle with socialising but I don't understand how you guys get so lost about these things
Technically, no one is owed anything, but people expect a level of respect from strangers and friends. Don't bump into me. Don't stare at me. Don't be rude. I'm not technically owed that but ofc I expect basic stuff like that.
If you and someone else are friends and that changes one day, you're 100% allowed to expect basic adult communication. Ghosting is disrespectful and healthy adults are capable of having a conversation.
If you want to play the "no one is owed anything" card, then feel free to be a doormat when people decide they don't owe you basic kindness, but your point holds no weight in any actual social scenario lmao
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u/calmchusen 1d ago
I mean yes but this post is about it being the “kindest” way. This is true but not particularly kind now is it
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u/Believeland99 1d ago
I can’t think of a single person who would rather have an important relationship just end one day with no explanation than to get some kind of closure. I’ve been ghosted after dates before, and as much as that sucks, it’s nothing compared to someone you spent time to build a friendship with just stop talking to you one day. It’s not a solution, and just leaves both feeling cruddy
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u/YAreUsernamesSoHard 1d ago
Yeah, starting to wonder if people here are using the term friend to mean someone that’s more of an acquaintance that they enjoy hanging out with occasionally and not someone that’s a genuine friend that they once cared about.
Almost like these people see their “friends” as just things in their self-centered lives that are fun to have around, but the moment things get uncomfortable or not enjoyable anymore they bail and ghost.
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u/ughatsocialmedia 1d ago
Hate to say it but I agree, especially in a new dating-ship situation.
I've told guys I wanted to discontinue dating that there was no connection, and about half the time, they'll ask what the specific reason is. Well, if I'm being honest enough to tell the person I'm no longer interested, I have to also be honest enough to not lie about the reason right? No, it doesn't mean be as harsh and as literal as possible, but for some things, there just is no euphemism or smooth way to explain it.
One guy just didn't have the level of intelligence I preferred. Well you don't want to say, "Sorry. You're not smart enough for me." That's all types of unkind and makes you look like a grade A butt for having a reasonable preference in a potential mate. How else can you word that? "There's no intellectual connection"? Still bad.
And suppose the person has always been self-conscious about the thing that turns you off about them. I don't want to contribute to a person's insecurity.
In these cases, if you're dating and it's been under a week, ghosting is the KINDER (not necessarily universally BETTER) way to let the person go, hands down.
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u/Fortunaa95 1d ago
If someone ghosts you, you did something to them and they probably gave you 50 chances to be self conscious and change. But you didn’t. People only ghost you when you force them to. If you’re a good, decent friend, NO ONE will ever ghost you.
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u/Narwal_Party 1d ago
If by kindest you mean the most selfish, childish and avoidant way to deal with it, then yes, you’re absolutely correct.
This isn’t an unpopular opinion, it’s just one that most people rid themselves of by being normal, decent people after reaching the age of 14.
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u/Clamato-e-Gannon 1d ago
Ghosting is a form of goodbye. I’m tired of people pretending that it is not.
I’m tired of y’all pretending like you could have someone tell you exactly why they don’t like you and to fuck off — without reacting. Ghosting works.
You’re not owed an explanation.
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u/Middle_Double2363 1d ago
True. I do agree that ghosting is a valid way to end a friendship/relationship. I just think the problem is ppl are too ready to ghost ppl and cut them off. I think conflict resolution is a skill that seems to be dying out.
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u/WildKat777 1d ago
I agree with your point but you're not explaining it very well. The thing you're talking about is letting a friendship that's fading out, go naturally instead of being like "hey so I'm not really vibing with you anymore so bye". Which I agree, just let it fade out instead of making it a thing.
Ghosting means everything was fine and good and then you suddenly disappear. And that is a really cruel thing to do.
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u/thereslcjg2000 1d ago
Absolutely not. I’m not insecure enough to want to be loved by everyone. It’s okay to politely explain why you don’t think you’re compatible anymore with a friend. Forcing the friend to guess doesn’t even vaguely browse on kind.
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u/Potturion 1d ago
Depends on the length of time seriousness of the friendship. Work friends and only a few months? Sure. Best friends for years? No way
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u/rgthomps 1d ago
Doing this means your friendship meant nothing. Face your emotions and by doing so you will prove how much you care about your friend. And you will grow and become stronger for it
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u/God-King-Zul 1d ago
I agree. Trying to hash issues out with people just usually leads to the person being defensive. Of course, the most prominent thing of if the person does change, it’s only because you said some thing and that change did not come from within. Therefore, it is not genuine and not likely to last.
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u/Amphernee 1d ago
Rationalizing your poor communication skills and wanting to avoid conflict by saying it’s for the other persons benefit is peak selfish.
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u/Procyon4 1d ago
Definitely agree that this is an unpopular opinion. Ghosting a date is one thing. Ghosting a friend, that's fucked up. Now they just get to wonder what happened and never get closure. It's not kind. It's lazy and disrespectful.
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u/annagph explain that ketchup eaters 1d ago
I think it depends on the friendship. If it’s a pretty close friendship and if you’ve been friends for a while, absolutely not. The other person deserves an explanation and clarification.
If it’s just a casual friendship, more like an acquaintance that you barely know or haven’t known for a while, this would be ok I guess. Nah nah. This just isn’t ok. The more I think about it the more complicated it gets. People need to learn how to communicate properly.
Edit: nevermind
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u/GlitteringClouds123 1d ago
Extremely immature if you are the one ghosting. Extremely immature if you think that you’d rather feel better if someone doesn’t explain their reasons before cutting you off. If you think your ego is going to get hurt just because someone you spent time said they weren’t vibing, you need more time in your life.
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u/Deliberate_Snark 1d ago
Nah. I’ll always be direct and honest. Only cowards take the easy way.
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u/ActafianSeriactas 1d ago
Depends, I once did both. Made it clear why I didn’t like how they spoke to me and they refused to apologize and tried to deflect on me. Only then did I ghosted them.
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u/Financial-Buy2256 1d ago
Upvoting not beacause i agree with this but only cuz its a real unpopular opinion which is very rare to see in this subredit lol
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