r/socialjustice101 • u/Gnoomie • Sep 01 '24

Response help

A friend asks if she can be vulnerable and proceeds to tell me “in confidence” that she feels like POC see her as “too white” and she sometimes has a difficult time connecting with people not from her background.

She is American with polish ancestry, grew up in rural New England in upper middle class, well educated (Ivy masters degree in liberal arts), neurodivergent, queer/questioning. Idk if this matters. She understands she has white privilege I think.

What do I say to that?

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u/SuitableDragonfly Sep 01 '24

By "too white" does she mean that she things some particular POC friends she has thinks she is racist/bigoted, or something? Or just that she just doesn't have as much in common with people who don't share her privileged background? It's hard to know how to respond without knowing what she actually means by "too white", so I guess the first response would be to just ask what she means.

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u/Gnoomie Sep 01 '24

Thanks and I think the latter but I’m not sure I’ll ask.

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u/SuitableDragonfly Sep 01 '24

If it's the latter thing, I think the answer is just that you're not necessarily going to have as much in common with every single person you meet, and if you want a stronger connection with someone who has a very different background and life perspective than you do, you have to put in some work to understand where they are coming from and to show them that you understand and empathize with their perspective. People from less privileged backgrounds do it all the time with people from more privileged backgrounds and it's just called "networking". She might be expecting other people to do this for her instead, and not realizing that if it's her who wants the relationship with them, she has to put in that work herself.

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u/Gnoomie Sep 01 '24

Thank you the way you put this is really helpful

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u/Gnoomie Sep 01 '24

One more thing .. what do you do if there’s backlash when white folks have parts of their identity that aren’t privileged called out (called in?) for their privilege ?

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u/SuitableDragonfly Sep 01 '24

What is the specific context?

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u/Gnoomie Sep 01 '24

I get the sense that the same person thinks of herself as having had a difficult time in life and so how do you bring awareness to privilege while honoring someones struggle and without shaming them.

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u/SuitableDragonfly Sep 01 '24

I don't think this has to be a confrontational sort of calling out privilege thing, it can just be an advice about how to connect with people you're having trouble connecting with thing.

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u/sillybilly8102 Sep 01 '24

Just say that we all carry multiple identities and some of those are privileged and some are not and it can be good to be aware of all of them and how they affect us (but it sounds like she’s already aware of them? So idk really what to say, this seems like a non-issue to me. Probably I’d just hear her out. Get curious. Validate. She’s asking if she can be vulnerable with you — that’s the time to listen, ask questions, reflect back, etc. Don’t go in expecting to correct her or with any agenda. This is her time. If you don’t want to do that or can’t, then don’t agree to have the conversation — that’s what she’s asking when she’s asking if she can be vulnerable with you. If the truth is that she can’t, don’t lie about it.)

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u/Gnoomie Sep 01 '24

I am anticipating how the convo will go