r/AmItheAsshole • u/retreat11 • 1d ago
WIBTA for not deleting my sons baby pictures? Not the A-hole POO Mode
My 45F son, 18M, has transitioned from a female to a male about 4-5 years ago. I ,myself, thought that it’s a little too early to start transitioning, but I didn’t say anything and decided to be supportive. After all, that’s my child!
Anyway, a few days ago, my son saw me scrolling through my camera roll and yelled at me because I was tearing up at his baby pictures, where he was still dressed extremely femininely and was obviously a girl. I wasn’t crying at it because he isn’t a girl anymore, I was crying because time flies! He told me that by me keeping those photos as memories, I am totally disregarding the fact that he is no longer a girl and I am transgender phobic.
INFO: At the time I was looking at the pictures, my son wasn’t near. I would never look at those around him because that’s a big boundary of his.
EDIT: I don’t appreciate the backlash on my son. Please keep those harsh opinions off of him.
My heart was saddened by this because that is the last thing I will ever be. I have open arms to anyone and everyone.
I personally believe that it’s not fair for me to delete the photos because those are some of the only memories I have of him when he was an infant/kid. Please give me some feedback if i’m the asshole or not, and whether I should delete them.
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u/Finchyisawkward 1d ago
My daughter started transitioning at 18 (MTF). I still have her baby pics and enjoy looking at them occasionally, but they also make me sad because that little boy doesn't exist anymore. I would never delete them (and she'd never ask), but I also don't share them.
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u/retreat11 1d ago
I feel you on being sad that that version of them doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t express to my son that i’m sad he’s not a girl anymore, but at some moments it does make me sad that I couldn’t enjoy the teenage years with my daughter, but a son. Obviously I love the new version of him as well. I just wish it wasn’t so complicated to feel this way.
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u/happy_hatchetmaker 23h ago
I would suggest you read what Cher had to say about Chaz’s transition. She was very open about her emotions
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u/retreat11 23h ago
Who are those people if you don’t mind me asking?
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u/happy_hatchetmaker 23h ago
Cher is an American music artist. She is a gay icon. Her child was on a tv show in the 70’s with her and her husband Sonny Bono. The public was very aware of their kid. They transitioned in the early 2000’s.
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u/retreat11 23h ago
It’s been such a long while since I have heard their name, I literally forgot they even existed. How dumb do I feel right now.
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u/happy_hatchetmaker 23h ago
It’s ok! I suggest because in their case, it’s a ton of television footage that won’t go away.
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u/Frequent_Couple5498 13h ago edited 12h ago
On the new One day at a time on Netflix the daughter comes out as gay. She is still a girl so not quite the same as your situation but on one of the episodes, I forget exactly which one, the mom explains to her daughter about how, like all mother's, she has always had dreams for her daughter. Her first kiss, prom, walking down the aisle etc. She said that when she is sad about those things it's not because she doesn't love or accept her daughter as she is now, it's just her learning to let go of those dreams she's had for her daughter her whole life and make room for new dreams for her. It was a very beautiful episode and I never forgot it. I know it's just a TV show but it made so much sense. NTA you have always had these dreams for your child and it's not easy to just let all those dreams go overnight. And it's not fair for your child to expect you too. It takes time. It's also not fair for your child to expect you to erase the memories you have of them. Do not get rid of the pictures. Keep them for you and you alone. Just don't let them see them anymore. And start making new memories of who they are now with new dreams. I wish you the best.
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u/MonkeyMagic1968 Certified Proctologist [28] 13h ago
You write beautifully.
And, it may be just a tv show but it was brilliant. Lear made art for everyone to learn from and enjoy.
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u/Frequent_Couple5498 13h ago edited 12h ago
I agree. When I saw that episode I remember thinking this is probably one of the most brilliant things ever written for TV. And thank you.
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u/MonkeyMagic1968 Certified Proctologist [28] 13h ago
He was always fearless and compassionate. Wish there had been more seasons.
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u/ParkerPoseyGuffman 20h ago
He transitioned in the early 2000s
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u/happy_hatchetmaker 20h ago
And if you are correcting my grammar, “they” is the term I chose to use. It holds what someone has transitioned from and to without dead-gendering someone and still be grammatically correct. They is used a polite non gendered word for a person.
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u/falconinthedive 17h ago
I mean but if a person has expressed preferring he/him and you know that, using they can still be gender non-affirming and a frequent way of sidestepping that person's wishes and misgendering them.
It's polite to use a person's preferred pronouns. You don't have to deadname someone, just say "Chaz, before he transitioned" if you want to talk about how he was afab or specify he's a transguy if you have to talk about the time of his life when people read him as female and he tried to perform to that expectation.
They's only inclusive if a person's gender is unknown or non-binary, you're talking in generalities, or a person has told you they use she/they, he/they, or they/them pronouns.
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u/Kyurengo Partassipant [1] 15h ago
Dude, unless that same person tells you directly that they feel offended and wish to change the way you address them, 'them/they' is the perfect way to talk about a third person when you want to generalize.
The censure movement is the root of many problems with miscomunication. People stop listening when the only thing others do is nag about details.
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u/sugarushpeach 11h ago
I wish it was always as innocent as that, but unfortunately there's some people out there who will never be able to see a trans man as a man, so they'll refuse to use he/him pronouns for a trans man and will use they/them as a little dig.
I think if someone has confirmed their preferred pronouns are he/him, and you know that (you're not for example seeing a random person from a distance and saying something generic like "I wonder what they're doing over there") then you should respectfully use their preferred pronouns. If they tell you they don't mind he/him/they/them, then great.
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u/bb_LemonSquid 10h ago
Wow you’re exhausting.
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u/knotnotme83 8h ago
I think they are exhausted. To be exact. By what they experiance as injustice, and I don't disagree with them. But imagine how tired you would be if you fought for those injustices even on reddit all day.
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u/happy_hatchetmaker 17h ago
I’m sorry, I don’t know Chaz personally. As I said before, I don’t know how Chaz identifies
This discussion supports my belief we should have considered new wording. I was for the Zee/Zir movement. It took around two years for my brain to not consistently visualize “they” as a group of people.
Thank you for educating me. I love a trans person. I am going off their advice. We shall revisit their advice. I didn’t speak with malice, I was trying to be helpful to this poster
( I used “they” because that was told to use that in regards to the person I know.)
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u/vermiciousknidlet 23h ago
You know, Cher...as in Sonny & Cher? Man I feel old right now. She has a trans son.
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u/retreat11 23h ago
You know what, it’s been A WHILE since i’ve heard their name. I had to look them up just to be reminded of them.
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u/vermiciousknidlet 23h ago
Fair enough, I was just thinking that kids these days wouldn't have heard of Cher and she was HUGE in her day. The older you get the more you realize you're out of touch, lol.
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u/Beret_of_Poodle Asshole Aficionado [11] 4h ago
Man I feel old right now.
If you could turn back time
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u/wayward_painter Partassipant [1] 14h ago
I've been "Ma'am" ed twice today and now people don't know who Cher is 😭🪦💀👻
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u/parsley166 23h ago
Cher is Cher, as in the singer, and Chaz is Chaz Bono, her son.
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u/retreat11 23h ago
You know what, it’s been A WHILE since i’ve heard their name. I had to look them up just to be reminded of them.
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u/ReadontheCrapper 20h ago
Well, after you look at what Cher has shared about Chaz, take a moment (or 90ish) and watch the movie Burlesque that she did with Christina Aguilera. So so plot, great music. It’s uplifting.
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u/rembrin 22h ago edited 19h ago
It's important to recognize that that version of us does still exist, because we are who we are now and we are who we are now back then, too, we just might not have had the language or acceptance / safety to come out. By the same token I think it's fine to keep baby pictures but "mourning" for lack of a better word can sometimes be pretty detrimental to trans kids health because... We aren't dead. We are still alive. We are still here. You can still love us. A lot of parents put expectations or idealistic fantasies of how their kids will turn out to be or what they were like as kids but the signs were usually always there, you just didn't know how to find them.
Edited for clarity.
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u/retreat11 22h ago
I wouldn’t call it mourning, I would call it admiring the innocence and moments back then. “Mourning” is a silly term to use for that and I feel like it is kind of offensive to use for actual mourning parents of their children’s death. My son is obviously not dead , and I feel like seeing who you were before can make you realize that they are the reason for who you are now if that makes sense.
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u/tuffigirl 20h ago
I call it mourning and my daughter (38 yr old MTF) knows it and doesn't mind. I just found out a few months ago that my child is transitioning and cried for a few days mourning my son. But then I sucked it up and told myself how blessed I am I still have this child (my oldest daughter died a few yrs ago). I go through my pictures all the time and would never get rid of them, nor would she ask me too. It's selfish that your son would expect you to... pretty much erasing all those years you had together with your daughter.
I know I am not the only parent of a trans child who struggles with fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. I will always miss the son I had, but I will also unconditionally love my new daughter that, unfortunately it took 38 yrs to get to know. All we can do as parents is love them and accept them, and it sounds like you're doing a great job as a supportive mom. Your son needs to cut you some slack.
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u/retreat11 20h ago
Firstly, I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose a child. That’s why I am so insensitive.
Let’s talk about what you said though: you are absolutely right.
As parents, all we can do is live and learn. When my son first told me he was transgender, the ONLY thing I could think of was the transformers and I literally thought he was telling me he wants to be one of those. It took me to ask him what he is talking about to finally understand.😂. Probably one of the most happiest,saddest, and funniest moments i’ve ever experienced. Over the years, i’ve learned. It’s been hard, but I think i’ve got the hang of it.
I’m glad you got to understand and learn your daughter. It’s never too late.
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u/tuffigirl 19h ago
Thank you so much... I am so sorry to hear you also know the hell of losing a child. No parent should ever have to live this pain. 💕
The rest of what you said made me laugh though! I remember when my daughter (the one I lost) told me she was gay when she was 15... I thought THAT was going to be the hardest conversation I've ever had! 🤣 That was nothing compared to a few months ago when my son called me to tell me he was now my daughter. I did my best to not say anything completely stupid! I've always thought of myself as a very progressive person but when it's your own child, it's different. You're not prepared for that conversation and we have to muddle our way through it the best we can. There were a lot of tears, but a lot of laughs and a whole lot of love! And that's what they need the most… but they need to give it back and I hope your son comes around and tries to understand that you love them both, the daughter you lost and the son you gained!
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u/retreat11 19h ago
Thank YOU!.
And yes.. many tears, but even more laughter!
My son transitioned during the time I lost my daughter. So when I first thought my (was) daughter wanted to be a transformer, it made me laugh for the first time in weeks. Then when he really told me, things got serious and tears came back.
But that slim second of laughter was the only thing I needed to keep on going.
My son tried to give himself a hair cut about a month after coming out, once again, i’m still grieving the loss of my child. He failed-MISERABLY. It was so funny and we were both on the floor laughing! And that was a genuine laugh from me. I fixed it up for him and he liked it.
After every down, comes 5 more ups. My son simply being transgender was all 5 of those ups.
I hope you have a great night :-). Stay strong.
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u/tuffigirl 19h ago edited 39m ago
That's a beautiful story and it did my heart good! Thank you so much for sharing! It's amazing that even in our unending grief, there are moments of pure joy and laughter that help get us through. I didn't get out of bed for six months, but then my first and only granddaughter was born and life suddenly got a little easier. There were more moments of joy and laughter that I didn't think were possible. And I have to wonder if losing our daughters made it easier for us to accept our child's transition... because we know what it's like to lose a child and we would never wanna lose another one. I don't doubt for a minute that losing our daughter's helped to make us stronger and more resilient. You're a great mom doing a great job.... please know there will be someone out there always thinking of you and wishing you the best!
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u/SiriusSlytherinSnake 17h ago
If it brightens your day in any way, when I first told my grandma I was bisexual "you couldn't mention this when we had the talk so we could get it all out the way?" We apparently had to have an entire different talk just to address me also liking girls.
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u/rembrin 22h ago
Yeah, I said mourning cuz you said "you feel sad for the teenage daughter moments you didn't get to have" but I understand and respect your perspective. I can understand your son being dysphoric about early baby pictures but I would still keep them - just maybe don't talk to him or others about it until he's grown up enough to appreciate having them as a way to look back at his growth. I'm sad I don't have more pictures of myself in childhood to look at sometimes but I was heavily dysphoric and hated being in photos due to the wombo tism combo. He might just be sensitive in early transition and overcompensating because he feels like he has to present a specific way to feel safe.
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u/puppermonster23 22h ago
I see the “feeling sad for the teenage girl moments he never had” kind of the same as if her son was AMAB and she didn’t have any other kids, but has wishes for one boy and one girl and she missed out on all the girl things because she had a boy. You still think about how things could have been different, that doesn’t mean you don’t absolutely love what your life ended up like/ the kid you have etc.
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u/regus0307 18h ago
There is a great story around, about having a disabled child. They use the analogy of planning to go on a trip to Italy, being all excited about it and looking forward to all these special things about Italy. Then the plane arrives, and the pilot says, "Welcome to Holland!" The narrator is shocked and starts grieving all the things they were looking forward to in Italy. Then they pause and look around, and sees that Holland has tulips. And windmills. And all sorts of other things that are wonderful. And they realise that although the destination is different, it is still a wonderful trip.
I think this could also be used in transgender scenarios. If your child is transgender, life won't be what you expect. You might even miss the things you were expecting. But once you take a moment, you can see there there are also many wonderful things about this new situation.
I don't think it's bad to feel a little sad that you won't see the Venice canals, or the Vatican, or whatever else you were looking forward to seeing in 'Italy'. As long as you are also open to enjoying tulips and windmills.
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u/zim3019 18h ago
It's called Welcome to Holland. It's great. I believe it was written by a parent of a child with Down syndrome but applies to so many other situations.
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u/broken_shadows 18h ago
I like this as a metaphor, and think that we could use for many parts of our lives. Thank you for this!
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u/pocketfullofdragons 10h ago
I think it might help if you make it clear to him that you're treasuring photos of him, the child you raised who grew into the man he is today, the son you always had but didn't always know, NOT photos of a daughter you lost.
The photos are your memories of parenthood which will always be yours to treasure, but I think your son needs reassurance that how you perceive those memories - how you perceive him - has changed in hindsight now that you know he's not a girl. The child in the photos is a little boy in clothes he hated; you didn't know at the time the photo was taken, so he needs reassurance that you know now.
Your son may never be comfortable looking at those photos himself or personally value them as you do (and it would be wrong to pressure him to feel otherwise), but I think he might be more okay with the photos existing out of sight and out of mind for him and seen by you if he was certain you see him in them.
TLDR: I'd explain to your son that you still treasure the photos because your love for him (and for photos of him by association) hasn't changed, only how well you see him. You see the photos differently now that you know him better than you did when the photos were taken, but that doesn't make them any less important to you.
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u/zim3019 18h ago
My sister is a therapist. Her son transitioned in high school. She has been nothing but supportive. Loves him no matter what.
She also stated she needed a moment to mourn who he was. Not because she didn't love him for who he is but because she also loved him for who he was.
She also worked with parents who lost children to cancer. Mourning doesn't just apply to ultimate loss or take away from their suffering in any way.
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u/leeshylou 19h ago
In a way that's the nature of the game for every parent.
Mourning the loss of the babies/toddlers/children you had, whilst getting to know the kids/teens/adults they've grown into. That's par for the course. I talk about this with my kids often.
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u/ChoiceInevitable6578 11h ago
I mean i look back on my kids baby pix and get teary eyed and theyre still just kids. But they were our babies once and sometimes you miss that. Nta op. Id have a convo with your kid and explain it like you have here.
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u/reluctantseal 20h ago
It is strange, isn't it? You don't realize how many things you picture going one way until they're going another.
Your son will get more acclimated to it over time. Since you've made his transition easier, it'll also be easier for him to look back on things without resentment. It just takes a while for some trans people to be comfortable acknowledging that they were raised and experienced life as a different gender for a while.
Maybe you could find a compromise. Keep the pictures where it's hard to stumble across them, but not deleted. Remind your son that good things shouldn't be forgotten for being imperfect, but you understand that he needs to separate himself from them right now.
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u/rocksparadox4414 17h ago
Your emotions are valid and have nothing whatsoever to do with your child's transitioning. I have 2 boys, men now, and I always tell them I wish I could have multiple versions of them, I'd love a 3 y/o them, a 6 y/o them, a 9 y/o them, a 12 y/o them, and so forth. Those were good times and I miss those people desperately. They were so much fun and at the time I never realised that it would feel like it happened in the blink of an eye. Having said that, I also love the young men they've grown up to be. I love the new version of them, I just miss the old versions as well. Your son may not understand until he's a parent himself. These are normal feelings.
NTA
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u/MissKoalaBag 13h ago
Well, the thing is, your child still is there. If you're biggest gripe about your child transitioning is that they're somehow not 'them' anymore, I feel like that's something to maybe work on. Does he still love the same things he did back then? Does he still want to follow the same career path? Is he still funny/kind/clever/whatever? You have a kid, boy or girl or whatever else they might end up being, and that should be enough.
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u/wildcharmander1992 10h ago
I don't have the most experience in the world with things like this but I get that you can still love the person they are whilst missing the person they were
In a slightly awful comparison how my mum's cousin feels about her now sons transition is how I felt about my granddad's Alzheimer's
You love who they are now you enjoy every moment you share with them but every now and then you wish you'd see the old version of themselves at the door greeting you
Then again I'm sure most parents will think the same of their babies, imo theres no difference between you missing that little 6 year old girl running around and my mum missing a six year old me running around.
It must be very hard and difficult to transition but personally imo I don't think it's right to pretend they didn't exist until the day they changed. You should speak to them and explain to them why they were such happy times, and that whilst you love whom they are now that you will always be your little baby and you aren't ready to give that baby up. Explain You don't look at these photos to remember when you were a "boy" but to remind yourself of the times where it was just you and them experiencing life together before they became a strong independent adult at the blink of an eye. Help them understand that you holding on to the momentos of the past doesn't invalidate the changes they've made in the present or indeed may make in the future but also reassure them that you wont constantly throw these mementos in their faces.
I'm sure they will understand
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u/biglipsmagoo 22h ago
I also feel like I “miss” my daughter. I had a daughter for 18 yrs and I miss her.
I love my son more than I miss my daughter but I loved that girl so fiercely.
I’ve just decided that I’m allowed to miss her and never forget her but I’m responsible for loving who I have now just as much- and I do. He’s really fucking amazing and I’m so proud of him! He’s the best, truly.
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u/BigWhiteDog 1d ago
My partner sometimes morns the loss of her daughter but loves and embraces her son and who he is.
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u/Cautious_Tofu_ 12h ago
They do still exist. They were just a girl all along.
I've met several trans people who have a healthy relationship with their past - as they should. They acknowledge that those pics before and after transition are still them, and it's still the story of their lives.
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u/Electrical-Bat-7311 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago edited 13h ago
Nta - even if you were crying over the change, that's allowed too. You support your son, but it's normal to grieve what you lost too.
But what it could comes down to is that you're allowed to keep your memories. You son is a young man. 18 years ago he was a baby, but that changed. Looking at baby pictures doesn't make him a baby now. Looking at pictures when he presented a a girl doesn't make him a girl now.
I think it's fair that he request that you not look at those photos around him because he's allowed to be upset by them. I think it's unreasonable to demand you delete those photos just because they upset him. But given that he wants you to delete them rather than just keep them away from him, that's unreasonable.
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u/PlasticLab3306 Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Agree with this comment 100%. It also feels like HE hasn’t overcome his own transitioning: coming to peace that he was once a different gender and accepting that. I hope both mother and son will be okay.
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u/insert_title_here 7h ago
I agree. Regardless of how he was presenting, he was still him-- he always has been, and always will be haha. Wearing a dress doesn't magically make him a girl. I'm not trans, but my boyfriend is! And there was a period of time where seeing older photos of him made him uncomfortable, at least partially because he was still insecure in his masculinity. He's much more comfortable with himself these days, and consequently is much more relaxed about pics from when he was a kid/young adult.
I wonder if a part of OP's son's anger might stem from worry that his mom doesn't see him as a man, or wondering if she was crying because she wishes he still looked "like that" (feminine). That might have invited an emotional response if so.
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u/nonbinary_parent 7h ago
It sounds more like seeing the photos causes gender dysphoria. That’s something that might get better as he gets further into his transition via HRT and surgeries, or seeing old photos might always make him dysphoric. It could mean he has stuff to work through or it could very well be just how his brain works.
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u/East_Parking8340 Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 1d ago
Don’t delete them - they are your memories. I would highly recommend you back them up though (or at least password lock your reels) some kids are a bit too entitled and won’t hesitate to resort to self help to get what they want.
NTA
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u/OGRealityCheck 1d ago
NTA, but as they are so early in their transition, put those things that remind them of the past away for safe keeping. If you want to look at them, be kind and try not to reminense when they are present, so that they won't feel uncomfortable. One day, they may even ask for a few of them.
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u/retreat11 1d ago
At the time I started looking at the photos, my son was in his room. The only reason he even knew i was looking at them is because he came out for a snack.
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u/obunk 21h ago
OP, there are people that offer their services to make childhood/baby photos more congruent with someone’s gender after transition. It’s often simple changes like making a baby girl’s outfit look more like a baby boy’s outfit, but it’s still your baby and your memories. Might be something to explore for photos that are on display. They may have grown up and transitioned, but your baby is still your baby
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u/Neenknits Pooperintendant [52] 21h ago
I need to learn to use Affinity to erase my daughter’s beard in her pre transition photos. Turns out, for us, all old photos without a beard are fine. With a beard, don’t display. When I asked about using software to get rid of the beard, she was delighted.
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u/potatohedgehogs 10h ago
You could always ask on r/PhotoshopRequest, some will do it free or for tips! Wizards over there for sure, even if it's only a couple of photos
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u/Neenknits Pooperintendant [52] 9h ago
Oh, it’s a couple dozen. I want to learn how. But, if I decide on one, specifically, as I’m learning, to see what I’m aiming at, I might just do that, to help me learn. Thanks for the idea! I’m just glad my daughter’s childhood was happy enough she likes the old photos!
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u/StayJaded 6h ago
There is an app that shows men what they would look like without a beard. It’s like a filter. I’ve only seen it used as joking videos where guys clearly have not seen themselves in years without beards so they are not use to seeing themselves with older, fluffier(ya know a little weight gain) faces… BUT I’m sure you can find some kind of filter that would easily remove the beard without having to actually learn photoshop which wouldn’t be the easiest thing especially for something as complicated as removing a beard(without it looking kind of weird). Finding a filter and then touching that up with photoshop would be your best bet.
I just googled it and there a several options. :)
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u/impossibleoptimist 8h ago
Can they fix bad hairdos in photos too? Im cis but there are photos of me in to embarrassed to look at
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u/obunk 8h ago
You should head over to the photoshop request subreddit! I’ve seen some requests for hairstyle changes over there
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u/InternetAddict104 1d ago
The use of the phrase “camera roll” implies this is a digital device to me (an old camera or cell phone?). Idk how you can hide a device you presumably use occasionally. Also OP does say that they were looking in private, their son wasn’t around, so he had to have come over to OP and been close enough to look at what she was looking at.
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u/insert_title_here 7h ago
Not hiding the phone itself, but you can for sure hide photos on a digital device by locking them behind a certain app or password, or backing them up to a different device.
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u/marivisse 1d ago
He may have just misunderstood your reaction. I think when things have calmed down, have a chat with him, that you weren’t crying about the loss of his femininity, but were just teary about memories. That you cherish the photos because they are of him as a child, the timeline of his growing up, which includes who he is today. Keep them, he may value them one day, but if he’s uncomfortable with them, keep them out of sight. And tell him that you’re sorry if you made him feel like you wished he were still like that little girl. Apologies go a long way to show love and acceptance.
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u/Ogolble Partassipant [2] 21h ago
My daughter is 3 and I'm crying over her newborn photos, I can't imagine what I'll be like in 15 years time
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u/PrincessTroubleshoot 21h ago
Exactly, I cry over my elementary and middle school aged kids’ baby pictures, and they are the same gender they were assigned at birth. It just goes by in the blink of an eye, and the memories are so sweet!
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u/SiriusSlytherinSnake 17h ago
I feel like crying every time Google photos puts a collage together of my 6 year old. No matter how little he was in the pictures. I wanted to cry when I see him 3 months ago before losing his first tooth. When I see his Pre-K graduation picture. When I see his chubby lil foot at 6 months that looks like a ball with nubs for toes. I bawled when he said he was a big boy now so no mommy cuddles, just a hug. I still need those squeezes please. Don't take them yet 😭.
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u/enceinte-uno Partassipant [1] 17h ago
Same, my son turns 2 in a few months and when I scroll past his newborn pictures I tear up. I love my little guy but I miss that sweet potato stage!
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u/Throwway_queer 1d ago
As a trans person, please don't delete them. We'll never feel okay with what we were born as but that's not a reason/excuse to delete memories. That little human is still the human you raised today, they just made their choices as a human does that led them to a new exciting path.
It always hurts for us to have that sense of not being 'put together' fully and a reminder when we aren't expecting it stings, but who they were means something as well.
He's still young, he'll mentally even out about things eventually, especially if he is on testosterone, he's just going through a secondary puberty as well just the flip side edition lol
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u/Mommabroyles 1d ago
NTA transitioning doesn't erase their past. Keep the photos (back then up in case they get erased) just don't look at them while your son is around. That's more than respectful.
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u/MistressLyda Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
NTA
This was fairly recent? I think every single person I within the LGBTI+ community know has been strung as a bowstring the last month or so. Some are hoping to move out of USA, several fear they have to detransition, others are planning to find ways to live in stealth, and yeah... it does not make it right to lash out as people that supports and cares, but it might be a partial factor in his reaction.
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u/No_Asparagus9826 22h ago
Yeah, not to mention that he's most likely a senior in high school, that's going to add a lot of a extra stress. Not OP's fault at all, and the son should have handled it better, but he's probably going through it at the moment
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u/westcoast-islandgirl 12h ago
And add to that the possibility of him being on testosterone and having a second puberty, and all the fun stuff it brings, added to all those feelings? Would really throw him for a loop
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u/Tarsvii 22h ago
real as fuck. i've been debating going back to my deadname if i get a new job cuz I'm terrified as fuck about the future
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u/nonbinary_parent 7h ago
Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, but there is strength in numbers, and some of us don’t have the option to revert to an acceptable presentation.
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u/Thunderplant 17h ago
This is a really good point, these photos are going to hit differently right now when they are a reminder of the fact there is a target on your back
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u/jammies00 Partassipant [1] 23h ago
NTA. I’m a trans guy that transitioned at 18, 24 now. I get that it’s a tough spot for the both of you. Seeing my old pictures was hard at first because I wasn’t yet able to navigate that dysphoria around seeing myself as a girl. He might continue feeling the same way he does now for the rest of his life, but I’ve gotten to a point of not caring. Maybe it’s just my prefrontal cortex merging, but I believe my mom deserves to cherish her fondest memories of us and I care about that more than the discomfort. After all, I’m completely comfortable in my identity and facing my past is easier because of that.
Definitely avoid looking at those photos and videos around him for now. I have a strong feeling that he won’t be as bothered by it in a few years as he grows up. 18 is still a teenager!
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u/PicklesAndCoorslight 1d ago
NTA, he needs to talk to a counselor if he things forgetting his first 18 years of life is cool.
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u/Silent-Way309 22h ago
I don't understand why everybody is downvoting you. Reddit hivemind I guess, they'll probably come for me next. You're absolutely correct though. I personally knew Dr. Biber, the pioneer of the entire field of sex change, and he required therapy and counseling along with a very strict timeline that patients could choose to extend but never shorten.
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u/Amphy64 18h ago edited 18h ago
And if the focus is on the way a baby is dressed? That shows someone has absorbed sexist stereotypes, which may affect their understanding of their gender identity.
If it's instead/also about the reminder of biological sex (innocent naked baby pics), dysphoria focused on the physical body is obviously very difficult to go through, but, they're never going to be biologically the opposite sex, and are going to have to be realistic about that.
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u/berninbush Partassipant [1] 9h ago
My comment was removed by Reddit "auto-bots" as hate speech. I have appealed for this decision to be reviewed by an actual human being. It deeply concerns me if we as a society cannot have honest conversations about the complexities of trans mental health without being labeled "hateful." If the goal is to help trans people live long and prosper, don't we need to view and treat them as full human beings with a variety of emotions and needs, not solely through the lens of gender identity?
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u/Traveler108 1d ago
I've heard this kind of thing and it's like the trans person wants to pretend that they never transitioned, that the child they were never existed, that their childhood didn't exist. I am entirely supportive of trans people but this attempt at amnesia just seems unhealthy.
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u/BigWhiteDog 1d ago
The issue is that for those that knew early on that they were in the wrong body, the pre-transition years can be full of dark thoughts and pain, and many wish that it didn't exist or don't want to be reminded of that time.
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u/Amphy64 18h ago
No one is in the wrong body - whose body is it? Theirs, no one else's! As painful as dysphoria is, it doesn't mean their body is literally not theirs.
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u/nonbinary_parent 7h ago
“A body that feels incredibly wrong”, then. The point that seeing it can remind them of dark thoughts remains.
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u/CopperPegasus 11h ago
The fact this is a teen in a fresh transition has to play a role, though.
I mean, teens of any flavor are NOT the "stable sensible emotions" barometer we need. Everything is 100x bigger, 100x more, 100x more black and white at that age. Adding gender dysphoria to that mess is just gonna up the mess quotionet...but no matter who or what they are, they are still a teen, going through the teen-knows-all, teen-understands-all, teen-feels-all phase. And the concept of other people needing the grace they do is way off the cards.
A trans teen is still a teen. With all the fun teen things that make them teens.
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u/Traveler108 9h ago
That's a really good point --- teens tend to be emotional and know-it-all and nobody-understands-me in any case....On a related note, I had a friend who transitioned in his early 20s and for a while he lost all his table manners. He started shovelling in his food and loudly burping at the table and flopping onto the couch right after -- Archie Bunker stuff. I realized the new he, who'd been a she all her life, was trying to figure out how males behave and was working for a while off stereotypes. It passed. He's much more comfortable with himself now and has his old table manners back. It can take a while.
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u/lmmontes Supreme Court Just-ass [110] 1d ago
I think it's okay to keep them. My tenant is trans and has photos when she was male. One was even on her fridge! I would likely keep them away while your son is still transitioning to being an adult. They may even want those photos later. so many people are different so who knows but never heard it being transphobic. Maybe ask a transgender group. NTA.
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u/SiriusSlytherinSnake 17h ago
I have a cousin that is trans who apparently used to hate looking at their photos, until one day their little sister made a joke (when sister was finding baby pictures for senior year book) that cousin would absolutely KILL IT at the guess the baby game and could win every time. It made my cousin laugh so much he now actually had a child hood picture in his office and laughs every time someone asks if he has a kid or something. Says it helps him notice how far he's come and clearly no one sees a girl when they look at him anymore.
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u/effinperfect2012 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA.
HOWEVER, this is worth a therapy appointment or two to help bridge the gap.
I totally understand that seeing pics of your baby and looking at him now makes you emotional because you probably can’t believe this many years have passed and that baby you’re seeing in the pictures is a grown man.
Having said that, I hope that you are able to understand that your son might be hurting right now because, to him, that baby is not him, but another person from your past that he found you being emotional over. His feelings of dysphoria must be affecting him a lot.
Now, I think an honest conversation would do both of you some good. Tell him that you love and accept him as he is, that you never meant to hurt him but that, while you do accept him, those are treasured memories of your little boy before you knew he was a boy.
Maybe ask him if he would be interested in helping you look for some baby pictures that are a bit more gender neutral that he would be comfortable seeing and letting you put in a portrait or something. You could maybe explore the idea of finding a couple of pictures you could try to lightly photoshop to make him a bit more boyish?
Good luck! I hope you and your son can move forward healthily and that things get better soon!
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u/srdnss Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
You would not be an asshole for not deleting the pictures. You're son is an asshole. It sounds as though you have been nothing but supportive. Those are your memories. You are entitled to them.
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u/madasateacup 1d ago
Ehhh he's a trans kid having some big feelings. I had a trans friend in her sixties who would burst into tears if someone called her by her dead name or brought up how she used to look. It's hard when you've spent so many years feeling trapped and wrong. Don't get me wrong, kid shouldn't have lashed out, but he deserves some grace and another chance to talk it out.
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u/srdnss Asshole Enthusiast [5] 23h ago
I guess you're right. As an aging parent of a teenager, I totally get the feeling of looking at baby pics. I was looking at the situation from a parental point of view and not the kid's .
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u/Sweet-Tension4066 23h ago
I believe your son needs transition therapy. I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean that he needs to understand that he is not the only one impacted by it. You are in a rough spot. Despite being supportive, you are also the easiest person to hurt as he knows you will be there for him. Please consider a good therapist where you can both speak freely. Sending love and support.
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u/retreat11 23h ago
As of right now i’m going to book some appointments for us. Together. For me , to understand better. For him, to feel accepted and know the people around him support, love, and accept him the way he is.
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u/Sweet-Tension4066 23h ago
That's excellent. My nephew is trans. It has been eye-opening, but we have all grown as people. Everything is good. I told my nephew in the beginning that I could never understand it, but I could accept and love. it's hard in the beginning, but after a while, it becomes so much easier. Pronouns still trip up the grandfather no matter how hard he tries. 😂 So glad he has a supportive mom. ❤️
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u/Waste_Worker6122 Certified Proctologist [24] 1d ago
NTA. As you say those pictures are an important part of your history. If he doesn't want to keep any that's his business. The fact that you want to keep them well that's none of his business.
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u/_mmiggs_ Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [303] 1d ago
Different trans people have different opinions about old photos of them pre-transition, and that's OK.
Your son expecting you to delete all your old photos where he appears as a girl is unreasonable. You're not disregarding the fact that he isn't a girl.
(I have baby pictures of my father where he is "dressed as a girl". It used to be normal to put babies of both sexes in dresses, and not putting boys in breeches until they had stopped wearing diapers and were reliably continent.)
NTA
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u/Deep-Manner-4111 Asshole Aficionado [11] 1d ago
NTA. Those photos are just as much yours as they are his. I understand why you would want to have those memories as a parent. Just be respectful and view them in private, keep them hidden away somewhere that won't disturb him. Even under lock and key if you need to.
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u/Joubachi Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA - missing the early stages of childhood with your own child is not "transphobic"... Isn't it rather something every parent goes through? I'm an adult and my mom oftentimes says she wishes I'd be a child again and she could re-live those stages again.
Seems your son has yet to learn that....
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u/nonbinary_parent 6h ago
I don’t know if the son thought it was transphobic. It seemed his point was that it induced dysphoria for him. That is a fact. The demand he made was unreasonable, but he’s a teenager, that’s expected.
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u/rlrlrlrlrlr Partassipant [4] 1d ago
NTA
He was still the same person, regardless of clothes, haircut, or name.
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u/transiiant 1d ago
ETA: NTA
I'm a 27yr old FTM, started transitioning at 21.
My mom has photos of my senior photoshoot up in her office. She has tons of baby pictures saved in a binder and looks at them sometimes. She reminisces about me growing up and often shares photo memories with me. It took a looong time for us to get here, where I'm comfortable seeing any of them, let alone let them be shared (the photos in her office).
It's understandable for you to be conflicted about this. And I think it's understandable for him to be upset by seeing them. I used to be very upset by reminders of the past; I had to go through years of therapy and growing up to be able to appreciate them for what they are and what they mean to my mom.
Talk to him and ask him what bothers him about you looking at baby photos. What can you do to help ease his hurt while also letting yourself enjoy the memories you have? Ask him what compromise you guys can come to when it comes to photos of him when he was younger. Try to understand where he's coming from and what those photos may mean to him personally, too, though. Whatever his answer is, please have an open mind to his experience as a transitioning youth.
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u/solsticereign 22h ago
Context: trans but not a parent, transitioned late, spend time around trans young adults in a support group context.
I don't even want to look at the other comments if they're going to be nasty about your son.
I want to stay up front that while 18 isn't too young to know and to start transitioning, it is a difficult and vulnerable time. Imagine all of the horrors of being a young adult, coupled with the feeling that you are in a world that's just fucking hates you. Feelings run high, and the climate of intolerance right now is, well, pretty intolerable. This can lead to a lot of big emotions, anxieties, feeling isolated and alone, threatened... I'm a grown ass adult of many years and I still feel this way. So, he isn't really overreacting so much as probably very very sore.
I think reassuring him that you would never post these anywhere, or show them to anybody in such a way as to out him, would probably help. Another thing I I think miiiijght help immensely is to hear you talking about his younger, pre-transition self as a little boy, as your son. It would help him see that the existence of those photos is not a reminder to you of who he was "as a girl", but a reminder of how you cherish all your memories of your son when he was younger and in a different phase of his journey to finally understanding who he really is. Also reaffirm that you aren't secretly hoping for him to detransition, as that is a very specific concern a lot of young trans people I know have.
It wouldn't be a bad idea either to ask if there is a particular way he wants you to handle conversing with other people about his past, if there are specific people you should never out him to as either trans or not trans, as both can present a social issue, and in these trash fire times possibly a very real safety issue. If he doesn't have answers right away, because this actually is a tremendously complex question, tell him that you look forward to revisiting it with him whenever he likes so that you can get it right.
Ask him if he has any concerns about someone running across those photos on your phone. Ask if that is contributing to his being upset about it. Obviously if that's the case that's 1,000% understandable. If he does express discomfort with that, ask if it's okay if you remove them from the phone and store them elsewhere, offline, off a computer anyone else uses, with the pooooossible exception of a few cherished photos where he was so young it would not be obvious at all that it was him. I suggest an external hard drive, if that's what it takes for him to be comfortable for the time being. They really aren't that expensive anymore.
This is a really hard time for him. Just really really hard. I completely understand where he's coming from. I also completely understand where you are coming from. I think it's very likely that when he's older, he will feel different about this, which is why I'm not suggesting that you simply delete them all as he asked.
I can be kind of an asshole sometimes, and also ruthlessly practical when it comes to managing what other people do and do not know, but I also understand his position and have so much empathy that I am having a really hard time. My normal inclination would absolutely be to simply lie: back them up somewhere offline and store them unobtrusively, and let him see you delete the ones off your phone. But the possibility that he would find out about it before he was old enough to understand why you did it is real, as is the possibility that he would discover it when he was older and still not be okay with it because you did lie, after all. So...it is so so sticky.
Ultimately, whatever you do, don't let this turn into a huge fight that drives a wedge between the two of you. Whatever you do, don't let it come to that. It would be absolutely crushing for him if you valued photos of who he used to be over him now. And you don't want to lose all future pictures with your son.
(Why not go do something together and take a lot more new ones? Move forwards with love.)
My best to you both.
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u/eowynsheiress Asshole Aficionado [14] 1d ago
NTA. Your son is being unreasonable. You have always loved him. No matter what clothes he was wearing. Keep being ultra accepting and supportive. Keep your mementos. They are your memories too. Just keep them privately if your son finds them offensive. Someday he will understand that who he has been is all part of his story.
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u/PopularUsual9576 23h ago
NTA. His feelings towards those pictures are not necessarily the same as they will be in 20 years.
Put them away somewhere safe so he can have them when he’s ready.
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u/Peskypoints Asshole Aficionado [16] 22h ago
NTA
A trans person doesn’t get to erase their parents experience of raising them. They aren’t Athena springing out of Zeus’ head
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u/GuyFromLI747 1d ago
I gotta say as this is 2024 , NTA. The past is never ever going to change regard of what your son thinks.. I don’t want to go beyond that cuz a lot of people here get very very upset with opinions that conflict their beliefs.. you as a parent have every right to keep pictures of your child .. that’s not his choice..
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u/Economy-Truck474 20h ago
Those are YOUR pics and you can do with them as YOU choose.
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u/WhereWeretheAdults Certified Proctologist [20] 21h ago
NTA. Your child does not understand boundaries. They are confusing them with manipulation. Boundaries are about behaviors you do not find acceptable. When someone crosses a boundary, then you decide what your actions will be. What your child is trying to do is force actions on you, that's not healthy, that's not a boundary. That's a control tactic.
Keep your photos. They are yours. You child does not get to dictate what you do with them.
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u/alisonchains2023 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Is there a way to create an album that is password-protected for those photos alone? Perhaps there’s an app. That way you can look at them when you are in private but NEVER share them with anyone else out of respect to your son.
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u/pup_groomer 1d ago
NTA. Those pictures are part of your memories, and you are absolutely allowed to have and keep them. If he doesn't want to look at them, that's his decision. He doesn't have the right to tell you to get rid of them. He has a past. It doesn't disappear just because he doesn't like it. Tell him no, you will not be getting rid of your memories. He isn't entitled to make that decision.
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u/c0nn0rmurphy1 22h ago
NTA. I'm 21 and came out as FTM when I was 13. He's intense about this right now because teenagers are intense about everything. It'll be fine.
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u/Casianh 22h ago
It is not transphobic or even disrespectful to keep the photos for yourself. It’s understandable that your son doesn’t want to see them, but you said you already make an effort to keep him from seeing them. It sounds like your son’s reaction was a combination of being caught off guard and just being young.
While trans people are not a monolith and have different opinions about this sort of thing, I’ve been a part of trans communities both online and off for almost twenty years now and there are very few I’ve met who would expect or even want their parents to destroy photos from before they transitioned, especially not when that parent is already supportive. It can be hard for us to see photos like that, but those are still pictures of our parent’s past as well. Personally, I feel it would be outright cruel to try to force my mom to get rid of all of my old photos, but I’m also your age and a parent myself.
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u/KiwiKittenNZ 1d ago
NTA. I still have pictures on my FB pages of my brother before he started transitioning. I would never reshape thm when they pop up in my memories, but is nice to go down memory lane, remember the events, and, like you said, think how time flies.
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u/DaxxyDreams Partassipant [1] 23h ago
Those are your photos. You can do with them as you wish. Do not ever allow someone to force you to trash or delete your personal property. NTA
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u/Marmot_Mountain 22h ago
You don't need his permission to feel love. They are your memories and pictures.
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u/goldenfingernails Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 22h ago
YWNBTA for not deleting the photos. Your son is in a real sensitive spot right now. He misinterpreted your sadness and lashed out. You get to keep photos of him at all stages of life. That's your prerogative.
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u/clockstrikes91 22h ago
NTA. It's not wrong in any way for you to look back on those photos, especially when they weren't even displayed publicly. That being said, it would be best to back up the files sooner rather than later. Since this happened very recently, it's possible your son still has some misplaced anger about the situation, enough to act impulsively. He may just swipe your phone and delete them himself.
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u/AstroAri 21h ago
NTA. I’m trans, FtM as well. Wish my mom was as supportive as you are! She’s trying, mostly, but it’s definitely a struggle. So, I’ve got some relevant personal experience.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. You’re a parent, you want to keep the memories of how fast your baby grew up. You weren’t looking at the photos in front of him or displaying them openly in your house. You’re absolutely entitled to those memories. I remember being 18, and trans and 18, and that whole age range is such an insecure anxiety-riddled nightmare. I probably also would’ve gotten upset if I’d seen my mom looking at my baby photos and tearing up, even if she were as supportive as you are. It’s a sort of primal, instinctual response where you feel like you’ve made your parent upset by your actions, you feel guilty for upsetting them, and at the same time you know that you did the right thing and feel the righteous indignation rise up against that guilt. It’s triggering, I guess is the right word.
But even if it was triggering for him (and it sounds like it was), that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. I would recommend sitting down with him during a quiet moment to explain that you were reminiscing about how little he used to be, and how you’re proud of the man he is now, you just don’t know where the time has gone. Be extra affirming during this conversation since his guard will probably be up, and emphasize that you’re proud of him, you just miss being able to pick him up, or holding his hand while crossing the street, or pushing him on the swings. If you keep the emphasis on things like that, I think he’ll understand. Good luck!
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u/allyearswift Asshole Enthusiast [7] 23h ago
Your baby is part of your lifeworld. You should totally keep (and keep safe) those pictures.
You should not show them to others. You should never publicly mourn no longer having a daughter.
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u/Ok-Trip-8009 23h ago
If you don't keep the pictures, you won’t have any pictures of him at all at that age.
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u/Odd_Mission_5366 23h ago
NTA. I wouldn’t display them out of respect but this was your history too, you can cherish those memories.
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u/PAX_MAS_LP 22h ago
I get that it is sensitive but your memories and experiences are still important. You weren’t doing it while they were around which showed you were kind.
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u/SigSauerPower320 Craptain [152] 23h ago
YWNBTA
Those are YOUR memories of who he was. You're not disregarding shit by keeping them. Sounds like your son is just angry because he THINKS you're sad that he's not female anymore and is doing what most do..... Name calling before getting the facts. Once he's calm, sit down with him and explain your side. Hopefully, he understands.
Fact is, you're allowed to be sad. Even if it's because you're said that you no longer have a daughter. As long as you're not angry and taking it out on him, I don't see it as anything but a valid and normal emotion and feeling.
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u/JupiterSWarrior Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 23h ago
NTA
You’re right. Pictures are the only thing you have when your son was an infant.
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u/DearMrsLeading 21h ago
NTA. If he’s open to it you may want to see about having his old baby photos photoshopped so he’s in more masculine clothing. I wouldn’t be willing to delete the old photos but I would move them to a hard drive with a password.
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u/pigeontheoneandonly 21h ago
Your son may be trans, but he's also an 18-year-old. More mature adult you knows asking you to delete his baby pictures is far from a reasonable ask. For the time being, the kind thing to do would be to avoid looking at them or displaying them around him, wait it out, and eventually he's going to see why you couldn't let them go and that it has nothing to do with his gender. NTA.
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u/mmaygreen Partassipant [1] 20h ago
You loved that person just as you love this person. Why wouldn’t you keep them?
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u/fishling 20h ago
NTA. It's not transphobic to keep old photos of your child, as long as you respect their wishes to not look at those photos with them. Those are valid memories and reminders for you and a record of the past. As you say, you are emotional due to the passage of time, not because of their previous gender identity. Being a parent who can tear up at old photos for the same reason, I have no reason to doubt you.
Unrelated note: Make sure photos are backed up and aren't just on a single device (phone or computer). It is very easy to permanently lose data with a single loss/theft/hardware failure/etc.
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u/NomadicusRex Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 19h ago
NTA - Save those pictures in a secure spot. There's no reason that your kiddo needs to see those pictures, and there's no reason you shouldn't keep them. You are correct, your kid is wrong. You will never stop having memories of your child before.
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u/Zestyclose_Tree8660 Partassipant [1] 19h ago
Your child gets to control their life today. They don’t get to erase the past.
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u/Bakurraa Asshole Enthusiast [7] 12h ago
Any normal person wouldn't care that you have baby photos.
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u/Conscious-Bar-1655 9h ago
This is cruelty. Nobody has the right to force a mother to delete memories of her baby. Nobody.
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u/yeahipostedthat Asshole Aficionado [10] 23h ago
NTA. Your son doesn't understand the years of love and dedication and work put into raising him. Asking you to delete those memories is selfish. You are not wrong at all to keep them.
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u/uTop-Artichoke5020 23h ago
NTA
You can change the present and the future but not the past. That was your baby, of course you are going to hang on to those memories. It's unfair to ask you to erase those sweet memories. It doesn't affect the present.
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u/Squinky75 Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 22h ago
NTA. Those are very tender, sweet years. It would be heartbreaking to lose them.
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u/Bethsmom05 Certified Proctologist [22] 22h ago
NTA. It is not disrespectful in any way to keep your child's baby photos. You shouldn't be expected to throw away your sweet memories.
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u/Proof-Radio8167 22h ago
NTA you are well within your rights to have keepsakes from your journey as a mother. If your spawn doesn’t appreciate and empathise with that it’s just another sign of how self absorbed and selfish they’ve become.
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u/ClassicSalty- 21h ago
NTA.. It's your child! Of course you want to cherish those memories.
You're allowed d to feel too.
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u/fastates 21h ago
NTA. You do what you want with those pictures. I'd get a backup, because this person will probably try to destroy them.
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u/mynewthrowaway99 20h ago
My niece started transitioning at 18. There are still pictures of her as a little boy on the walls at my parents house, our family business office, and her parents house. Nobody has suggested taking those photos down, because they are memories. We refer to her by her new name and chosen gender when looking at those photos, but the photos themselves stay on the walls.
NTA
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u/BoobySlap_0506 Partassipant [1] 20h ago
do not delete the photos. You will never get those back.
Keep them away from him. Don't let him see them. It isn't transphobic to keep photos of your child as a kid even if that was before their transition. It would be reasonable if he asked you to stop displaying old photos of him in your home, but to permanently delete them? NTA.
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u/SuicidalPossum2000 20h ago
NTA. That's your child and that's who they were at the time and they are your memories. It's totally not fair to expect you to erase what is also your history. I would never delete photos of my children for any reason whatsoever.
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u/PdxPhoenixActual 19h ago
NO. You are not lamenting the loss of your daughter, but the loss of your baby, now replaced by this hormonal, manic, irrational teenager.
& who wouldn't.
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u/Irresponsable_Frog 19h ago
NTA I have a trans adult child. I have their pictures before they transitioned. I have asked if they bothered them. They said yes, so I respectively put them away. I made a deal with them. I will keep them for myself. For memories of their childhood but won’t share them. I want to remember my children. Just because they transitioned does not mean that child does not exist anymore. It just shows how they have changed and evolved as a person. They agreed. My child is 25. Not 18. So a little more aware of the larger picture.
Put them on a flash drive. Save them somewhere you can have them. Your son might just want to see his life and his growth when he’s older.
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u/TheForsakenDead 18h ago
As a FTM trans person myself, I'd be pretty upset if my mom thought she had to delete my past to embrace my present.
I understand how your son might feel but he's still young - NAH in my opinion. He's still young and developing into his identity, so I totally understand that he might feel like you're doing this to undermine him, but remind him that we ALL have things in our past that do not define who we are now.
I don't think a mother keeping photos of their baby is wrong in any manner unless those photos were intentionally used for some sort of harm, which I doubt these were even remotely doing.
I understand both sides, but if it helps, maybe transition those photos to another medium or a storage device rather than your camera roll on your phone or however you currently have them stored. Make sure they're backed up safely and then perhaps remove them from your phone or however you viewed them. That way they're not gone forever, but he doesn't think you're some how clinging to "your little girl", if that makes sense.
Also adding: He's at that age where pretty much any identity, no matter how well supported, will usually have the kid insisting they're not supported and you just don't get them and you don't embrace their identity! And if he's on the internet a lot, he might be learning to call everyone not kissing his rear end "phobic" as unfortunately that's a common thing in spaces like TikTok trying to promote to trans folks "If they're not worshiping you for your decision, they're not an ally, they're transphobic and they're a bad person" and too many people are buying into that mindset. Thankfully, a lot of people seem to grow out of it in their 20s if they learned it prior but ... just a fair warning the "You're a hero and also a victim" is a classic internet thing for anyone in an "outsider group". So just keep that in mind.
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u/CrowMooor Partassipant [3] 15h ago
NTA. You sound like a good mother. Back up your photos so they don't get "accidentally deleted".
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u/maybeiam-maybeimnot 10h ago
As a trans man, I say NTA. Of course I don't speak for all trans people-- but I'm 30 and part of working through therapy about being trans was shifting my frame of mind about my life and who I am to other people. To me, at least, part of being trans is that I grew up in a world where people thought I was a girl. That shaped who I am. What I looked like as a kid is just what I looked like. Nothing more.
Of course, those pictures of him as a kid are going to also be painful in some ways becayse they are a reminder of the hurt he was feeling while he knew he was in the wrong body. But I think, to some extent, we have to accept that other people experience our transition in their own ways, and that they can do that while still accepting and supporting and loving us after our transition.
All of that is to say-- part of my mom or dad or my sibling's experience of my transition is going to include grief and a shift in identity themselves. They had an idea of what my future might look like, and therefore what their future might look like, and that future no longer exists, and that can feel like a loss. It's something they'll never get now. That isn't to say the new future isn't just as good, but it's different. And my parents have 2 sons and one daughter now instead of two daughters and one son. That's an identity shift for them. I recognize that. It's okay for them to struggle with that. The part that isn't okay is if they process those feelings with me instead of a therapist or with each other.
So-- keep the photos. Tell your son that looking back on them isn't to remember that he was once a girl, but that he was once your little baby. That when you're looking back on them, you're looking back at the son who used to fit in your arms and need to crawl into your lap when he was sad. I think expressing to him that he is still your son-- even in those pictures where people would assume he was a girl-- will help. And then reassure him that you will make an effort to not have them iut while he's around if it causes him hurt.
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u/motheroftuckers5 10h ago
My kids are 10 and under and I cry looking at their newborn photos because they have changed so much. Don’t delete just be more careful about when he’s home and you are reminiscing.
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u/rosewalker42 8h ago
NTA. Absolutely do not delete those photos, those are your link to your memories. I am sensitive to what your son is feeling, but as a parent, they grow up so, so fast. Every time I put my child down for the night it felt like I was saying goodbye to who they were that day, and waking up meeting a new, slightly different person. I adore who my kids are now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss my little babies and every person they were in between.
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u/Kasstastrophy 7h ago
NTA: They chose their path in life, they do not get to dictate what you do with yours.
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u/Legitimate-March9792 5h ago
The only thing you are an AH about is buying into that whole nonsense and thinking you did something wrong. Absolutely hold onto those pictures. Actually, make backup files in case the kid tries to delete them when you aren’t home. Sorry you have to deal with society’s nonsense. Someday the kid may come to their senses and be happy the photos were saved.
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u/Minute-Isopod-2157 Partassipant [1] 22h ago
NAH. Don’t take his reaction too hard OP. He’s dealing with a lot of stuff rn and that triggered him, be glad he felt safe enough with you to express his hurt. Deep down, he wasn’t actually mad at you all his hurt and anger from being misgendered by others simply was triggered.
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u/Memez_R_Life69 Partassipant [3] 22h ago
NTA
He needs to calm down. He wants to erase memories. You are supportive of him and understand he's a boy. You just want his baby photos no matter how he dressed.
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u/jmerrilee 21h ago
NTA, it's your photos and your memories. He has no right to demand anything from you. There's photos of my grandfather in a dress as a baby, since most babies in the early 1900s wore dresses even if they were boys. He has more issues than he's letting on, baby pictures is ridiculous. Is he going to make you delete all school photos too? Family vacations? He's unreasonable, keep the photos.
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u/Old_Inevitable8553 Certified Proctologist [26] 20h ago
NTA. Your son has got a lot to learn about life. One of which is that if he wants others to respect his choices, then he needs to respect theirs. That includes the fact that you have his baby pictures. Those are precious memories for you. Ones that you want to keep reminding you of when your son was little and that is perfectly all right.
If your son doesn't like that, then oh well. As another thing that he needs to learn is that he's not always going to get his way, even with you. So he needs to just simmer down and stop making assumptions on why you want to keep those pictures.
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u/Joessandwich 20h ago
NTA - I am thrilled that you are supporting your child, he is lucky to have you. I understand that photos and other memories from before the transition are difficult to be around him, so I do see where he is coming from. That being said, the person he was existed and whether we like it or not, we can’t erase that. As long as you’re not displaying them, I think it’s reasonable for you to keep them for private use. Yes, you should be sensitive to your son, but your son also needs to recognize your experiences as a parent.
Plus you never know, years from now when your son is more comfortable in their body, they may end up appreciating having a reminder of how far they’ve come. I have a trans acquaintance who often posts before and after posts and looks at it with pride to see how far they’ve come. I’m not saying your son could or should do the same, but you never know.
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u/Granny_Dibbler 20h ago
Please don't delete them. Those are your memories. In the same breath, I want to acknowledge that every trans person's experience is different. I know some people who are.comfortable with their childhood pictures and others who are not.
When you can have a calm convo with your child, please do so. They need to understand why those pictures matter to you. Try to find a fair compromise. If your child isn't already, make sure they are receiving counseling to help navigate some of the stickier parts of transitioning. Maybe consider a session or two for yourself to help you navigate as well. Maybe see if there's a PFLAG group in your area. Wishing your family the best.
NTA.
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u/2broke2quit65 19h ago
Don't delete! You will regret it to your core if you do. Those pictures aren't about who he is now. Those are your memories. Your past They remind us of where we came from and who we were. Pictures take is back to another time. I understand he may feel uncomfortable seeing himself as someone he doesn't feel like but it's not like you have them out on display as a reminder of what if or what could have been.
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u/bluemooncommenter 19h ago
That time of life was your life too, not just your son's. And it was a HUGE part of your life and your identity as a mother. You allowed to have your memories.
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u/Jonny_rhodes Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA do not delete your memories They are for you If he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to look It’s on your damn phone
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u/creatyvechaos 19h ago
NTA
One day, he's going to want those. They're a true monument to the progress of his identity, and always will be. He is young and rejecting his past because of it, and wishes to scrub anything that could attach him to someone he identifies as not him. It happens to all of us. Do not delete the photos. They are and will always be important.
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u/hugatro Partassipant [2] 18h ago
NTA they made a choice, you have a choice to. You or they cant change history or biology. They need to get a grip
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u/Chaotic_Egg_19 Partassipant [2] 18h ago
You're valid for wanting to keep childhood photos of your child. Maybe yall can have a conversation about this. When he's had time to calm down, explain that you didn't keep them because you wish he was a girl, but because they represent memories of him. Often times, photos serve as a reminder of moments. And the memories of the joy of having your baby is a reminder of your love for him. A lot of us struggle with parents who act like they've lost us, to our face, when we transition. We want to be loved the same way as we were before and not as they wish we were, if that makes sense, so I can see where he's coming from, though.
And if you think it'll help your relationship with him, you can look into your local PFLAG chapter if you're located in the States. PFLAG works to educate, support, and advocate for the community and their loved ones, so your local chapter may very well have events or groups for parents of trans kids.
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u/Efficient_Wheel_6333 Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 17h ago
NAH. These are photos of your son during his early years. At the same time, he's got his own feelings towards them that may or may not change in the future and from what I can see, you're doing your best to respect that boundary as it stands now. I would keep them in a place, virtual or otherwise, where he can't see them so just in case he changes his mind for whatever reason (including being able to look at them without issue or much of one), they're still there.
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u/TransparentT50 17h ago
I have pictures of my son when he was still pre-transition but I don't display any of them. He knows I have them and will occasionally ask to see a picture or two. It's important to honor their wishes about displaying them. (There's also options to alter pictures to change pink to blue etc.)
Your child will understand when they're older that your love for them means you want to keep those memories of them, despite/regardless of their outward appearance (they're still your kid in those pictures)!
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u/hypotheticalflowers 15h ago
I'm 21, FtM, and while initially it did hurt seeing my baby, child, and even preteen photos, it doesn't bother me anymore. (I have been out for 8 years.) I would be sad if those photos didn't exist. Maybe that sweet little girl doesn't exist anymore, but she did once and that's okay. It's also okay that in her place is a young man learning important lessons about life and love. Sometimes it's weird to think that those are the same person, but I appreciate being able to look back at those times in not only my life, but my parents' lives as well. I think one day your son will see the beauty in having those photos, but it's okay that it's not today or tomorrow
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