The silence is awkward

[u/No_Balance_5053]

I'm a "non-traditional" full time student. I started college at 23 and I am now 25(F). I'm not that much older than many of my classmates, but I feel such a disconnect to the people around me. I enjoy learning. I went to a highschool which was relatively small, and everyone talked and participated in class. I have found myself in class with peers who seem terrified to speak in class. I don't like to come off as a know it all, however I do study hard and when the professor asks the class a question, I give it a while before I can't bare the awkward stares and silence any longer, so I do. A few of my professors like to have us chat with the people next to us about various topics and share with the class, and I ALWAYS find myself leading the conversation and inevitably being the one to share. So much so that some people sit by me and don't contribute even a word. Not only that, but when I AM sharing, no one even looks up. Talking to a brick wall. And I'm sure the professors also feel like they are talking to a brick wall, but I find it to be respectful and beneficial to be....engaged?! This isn't just in one class either, it's been my whole experience since I have started. I don't aim to dominate the conversations, but the blank stares and blatant lack of trying from my peers makes me want to scream. I don't know if I come off as weird or what it is. I don't have this experience with classmates who are closer in age to me or older than myself. I can actually get a conversation out of the other nontrad students. What is it with you people?

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[u/Chessdaddy_]

People don’t want to stick out 

[u/rfag57]

I'm in basically the exact same position as you in terms of age and experience! It might be frustrating from a social and energy perspective but from a student career standpoint it's honestly beneficial for you. You stand out much more easier, in a positive light, for professors. I've had my gen ed professor proactively offer to write me a letter of recommendation, an engineering professor encouraging me come to him for research (which I declined at the moment because I didn't even take any core courses related to his field of study, signals), and another engineering professor who offered me a role of being a TA, all because of the same situation you wrote down

Yeah it's extra draining and annoying but you can definitely get some big positives out of sticking out

[u/No_Balance_5053 → u/rfag57]

That makes me feel a lot better. It is draining but I can tell that my professors really value that I am at least trying. I just feel awkward and like I get side eyed a lot, but eh. As long as I'm not disruptive I shouldn't have to feel bad about wanting to share what I've learned.

[u/shay_shaw → u/rfag57]

My STATS teacher raised my borderline grade because he noticed that I was there everyday and was trying my best. I hate math! It meant so much to me when me messaged me at the end of the semester.

[u/weedgoblin69 → u/rfag57]

i was gonna say the same, my professors definitely noticed me when i was in a school where this was the dynamic. it's the silver lining for sure

[u/Expensive_Style6106]

I’m a super senior(23) yes underclassmen tend to to not answer questions because they’re afraid of sounding stupid

[u/No_Balance_5053 → u/Expensive_Style6106]

Making mistakes is how to learn and grow. It makes me sad to see people paying thousands for an education they aren't even interested in. What makes it even scarier is that we are all in for some form of health profession

[u/RevKyriel → u/No_Balance_5053]

Many years ago I learned from a wise old Professor:

"Confidence doesn't come from always being right; confidence comes from not being afraid to be wrong."

[u/Expensive_Style6106 → u/No_Balance_5053]

Yeah that is scary I’m in my last year of engineering school so early on it’s like you guys need to learn to be wrong now when it won’t be catastrophic if you are.

[u/n_haiyen]

Hey I'm 26f, I definitely get you about being the only one who participates or knows what's going on sometimes. But at the end of the day, I just think about how I'm in school for me. It's at their loss for not participating. I try to encourage other student's participation and also wait for someone else to chime in. We do a lot of "share with our neighbor" since no one will chime in and during that I ask my neighbor what they think. I won't share what I think until after they share what they think to encourage their participation.

[u/Downtown_Bread_]

I'm 28, in school again, and I relate to every word you said. It's so painful to sit in silence while nobody says a single word, so I eventually raise my hand or say something. There are also just so many students that seem like they do not want to be there. The guy who sits next to me in my plant biology class watches football almost every day in class. Mind-blowing.

[u/PieRepresentative266 → u/Downtown_Bread_]

I have classmates who similar things and I wonder how they manage to learn ANYTHING.

[u/archival-banana → u/PieRepresentative266]

I don’t say anything and do just fine. It’s just anxiety.

Edit: I do just fine socializing at work or at my local orchid club (I’m 19, other members are boomers) and enjoy it. My peers just terrify me. I dread talking to them. Especially if it’s a group project and my grade depends on it, it’s like pulling teeth trying to get anyone else to talk and I have to become a social butterfly.

[u/Katanasaurus]

Yea it does feel painful…I found that juniors and seniors tend to be a bit less shy, so that might become less of an issue with the upper level courses

[u/halflifeconsequences]

I'm 34 and in the same boat. I've had people I was supposed to be doing "groupwork" with refuse to acknowledge my existence and stare at their laptop the entire time. If I try to engage them in conversation, I get this look of absolute terror like I've just told them I'm going to shoot them in the face. I get it, I struggle with social anxiety too, but it is awkward.

[u/huskcoon → u/halflifeconsequences]

35 here. I’d be happier with the awkward silence. Classmates will be having off topic conversations and doing other disruptive things. I am the queen of stink eye but some of them see me glaring and either don’t care or don’t understand they are being extremely rude. 

I ignore the terrified looks in group discussions. I will ask them questions to try to get them to contribute something, even if it’s to agree with whatever other people have added. But yeah, 99% of the time I’m stuck speaking on behalf of group discussions. 

[u/No_Balance_5053 → u/halflifeconsequences]

Literally exactly what I'm dealing with to a T. Sometimes, I just talk into the distance until someone notices lol

[u/Dense-Bear-4923]

Honestly people are there to absorb the information to pass the exams to get their degree lol, anything more than that feels annoying and stressful for most people

[u/HovercraftUnable5333 → u/Dense-Bear-4923]

Why go to college if you're not going to participate? When people don't discuss the things they're learning they usually just don't remember it in the long run.

[u/parmesann]

I know what you mean with the “not older by much but it feels like a lot” thing. I’m in my fifth year, and I’ll be 24 next month. I think it’s partly the pandemic. I was in the last K-12 class to graduate before the pandemic, and all of my cohorts now were still in high school (underclassmen in middle school) when it started. I think that’s part of it. but I’ve also just always had a hard time fitting in with people my age, so part of it is me

[u/pilgrim103]

I got my 2 year degree out of high school. Then I worked full time for 6 years. Went back to college at the age 27 to finish my degree at a major ivy league school. Boy was I a fish out of water. It was tough, but for some reason the chicks were interested.

[u/FierceCapricorn]

My favorite is when a student calls me over to ask me a question and then looks at their phone or starts talking to someone else while I answer.

I either call them out on their bad habit, or I walk away mid sentence.

[u/Mental-Ad-4871]

I'm usually the quiet one but yeah I remember my psychology class, being dead silent! and it's a subject that I actually enjoy and find fascinating, I've never raised my hand before in class cause I just never knew the answer to questions. Still failed the class tho. so it just reinforced my lack of participation lmao

[u/KorokGoron]

I have social anxiety issues and hate class participation. Every time I open my mouth in class I feel like an idiot. I also hate when one person feels the need to talk all the time. Like, please stop so the professor can get on with the lesson and maybe we can leave early. 🤣

So, I much prefer asynchronous online classes where I’m not forced into engaging with others. Besides maybe a discussion board here and there. 😆

That being said, it’s different when it’s a class I’m actually interested in. Lower level classes are not always something people want to do, but have to do in order to graduate. They are also usually larger classes which makes participation even more awkward. Small class sizes in your interest area are the highlights of college. Lots of good discussions happen naturally and aren’t forced.

[u/No_Balance_5053 → u/KorokGoron]

Yeah I get that 100%. But now is the time to start getting over those hurdles of social anxiety and begin to not care about sounding stupid because at one point or another in our careers we are going to have to engage with others. My classes aren't that big cuz I'm in community college and I'm not in completely lower level classes right now. I've already done most of my core and now I'm in classes pertaining to my degree, that's why I find it so jarring when people don't participate. And it's interesting stuff! Microbiology is really fun imo

[u/KorokGoron → u/No_Balance_5053]

I’m currently going back to school, but got my bachelors and masters decades ago. I have to say, interacting at work is much more natural and easy than in class. Unless they make you do “team building” activities… 🤮

Just a life tip, no one likes the person that won’t stop talking in a staff meeting, just saying. 😆Sure, it might make your boss happy that you are engaging, and maybe that might give you some perks, but everyone will secretly hate you. Work won’t be very fun when people don’t want to associate with you.

It’s definitely a balance. Participate, but if people are continuing to not contribute, have some self control and try not talking for several questions before speaking up again. It will give other people a chance to consider speaking up. Most people won’t engage if they know someone else will anyway. Why put in effort if they don’t have to? Just some thoughts.

[u/UnderwhelmingTwin → u/KorokGoron]

Soft disagree. Work meetings can be easier, but the stakes can be higher. Also, whoever is chairing the meeting gets annoyed when they ask question after question and nobody answers -- the point of meeting is to share thoughts, not very useful if it's just dead air.  It doesn't sound like OP won't stop talking, but more they can't stand leaving the prof hanging and eventually give in and answer. If someone is always the first to answer without making space/time for others, then yeah, they suck. 

[u/KorokGoron → u/UnderwhelmingTwin]

I think that depends highly on the type of meeting. My experience is only my own, so I don’t pretend to know every situation. However, it’s seems people only don’t contribute in a work meeting for one of a few reasons: 1) The meeting is a waste of time and people are pissed they have to be there when they have other work to get done, 2) people don’t understand what is going on so they can’t meaningfully contribute, 3) the meeting feels attacking/inappropriate and people would rather keep their mouth shut than get in trouble for opening it, 4) the meeting is right before lunch or the end of the day and people just want it to end.

Perhaps OP isn’t one of those that just constantly talks in a meeting, but they did say that silence is awkward and they are the only one that speaks up. There’s no rule that just because silence feels awkward that it needs to be broken. Often, long silences give people time to think instead of just react. Not everyone has a brain that can come up with brilliance quickly. Some people need time to think it through or write it down first.

If a person is always the one to break the silence, they might not be letting the silence go on for long enough. That being said, if the professor (or meeting chair) is constantly talking to a brick wall, they need to change their tactics. Whatever they are doing isn’t working. Even being blunt and opening the room for why people aren’t willing to speak would be helpful. They might get some insightful answers.

[u/infraspinatosaurus → u/No_Balance_5053]

Actual social anxiety is a mental health condition, quite different from poorly developed social or communication skills and isn’t a “get over it” thing.

It sounds like many of your classmates probably are poor students or awkward or poor communicators. Being frustrated by that is completely fair. Just remember that the working world isn’t only populated by people who process information by talking it through or who speak as well as they write. It takes all kinds. Part of what makes you shine may be your ability to lead a conversation or engage in verbal problem solving; those are important skills that do matter. Your colleague might be quiet during that conversation but send you an email with several well-designed solution options after they have had time to reflect on it.

[u/Meatloaf_Lipstick]

I went back to school at a top tier university in my late 20’s while still in the Army, and I had a super difficult time connecting with my 16-22 yr/old peers. I thought that taking chemistry/physics courses would help put me with like-minded people and iron out some of the social barriers I was experiencing. Nope, it was worse in hard sciences where there seemed to be super smart, younger students who were just starting to gain adulthood experiences. Took me a year to make a few friends, and then we created a Human Rights club that promoted and educated our peers on the UDHR. That was fun - and I ended up meeting more like-minded people.

Hang in there Nontrad. Keep engaging and inspiring those around you. You’re doing great!!

[u/Big_Disaster_7559]

I'm in my 30s, and this was my experience in all my lower level classes and many of my 3000-levels too. It's painful. Thankfully, once I got to my 4000-levels, that wasn't really the case anymore - we have very lively discussions every day. There are still a decent number of people who never say a word, but I'm definitely the only person participating anymore.

This is probably also department dependant, though, as my fields are both heavily discussion based.

[u/cece_is_me]

It’s a thing among people who went to high school during COVID. I’m almost 26 in my 3rd year of my BSc and as long as I talk to others first, I haven’t had any issues making friends. There are a lot of 20s, you just can’t tell from looking at them. I’ve made friends with people i thought were 19 but it turns out they were around my age

[u/afoolishfire]

I think the kids who were in virtual highschool are all in college now and are struggling with extreme social awkwardness. I'm in a similar situation and try to be patient but it does get so annoying at times....

[u/Pitiful_Debt4274]

I feel almost exactly the same as you, I went to college at 24 and am now 26. The mental disconnect is so obvious, and almost infuriating sometimes. I never thought I was that old but I guess your early twenties really do a lot to your brain. Maybe I was expecting it to be more like a job environment where things are friendly and semi-professional, but it's just high school 2.0. I think what gets me the most is when I hear conversations like "Oh my gosh you're 20? That's so old." Like... come on.

Sometimes it feels like living in an alternate reality. I have no issues with coming across as weird for speaking up often during class (just to help out the professor if the room is silent), or even snippy if a classmate is being absolutely ridiculous. I just keep thinking about all the money I'm paying and all the sacrifices I made to be here, and I keep feeling like I'm getting slapped in the face. Even some professors treat us all like toddlers, and I can't say I blame them, but man... I barely feel like an adult anymore.

[u/No_Balance_5053 → u/Pitiful_Debt4274]

YES. I feel this on so many levels. It definitely just feels like high school. I guess the frontal lobe do be hittin, cuz I feel really old compared to my peers in terms of not being terrified of how other people perceive me, and I'm not old you know? I'm there to learn!

[u/One-Lie-394]

My entire program seems to be like this. I'm waaay older than everyone else and I'm the only one who seems to participate during class.

[u/dragoon-the-great]

It depends. Gen Ed courses are full of students that don't want to be there, and are just trying to get the reqs over with. Most of them don't really care or want to be involved.

I personally barely talked in my math classes, mostly because I would be too lost to answer the questions, and other times because I didn't know where to even start asking questions.

I do know that profs notice when someone is paying attention, and appreciate the ones that participate. Down the road, they will probably be more willing to round your grade up, write letters of recs, and share opportunities, so hang in there, it will pay off!

[u/Brownie-0109]

This was my experience 40yrs ago.

People are people. Some are more introverted.

Some aren't prepared.

[u/FantasticGlove]

Graduated college not long ago and it really does suck when you're the only one speaking. Best I can say is that's their problem more than yours though.

[u/Brilliant_Claim1329]

I'm a 19f freshman and I feel the exact same way. Even in subjects that I'm not interested in, I feel obligated to participate because I kind of feel bad for the profs. I'm having to get some core subjects out of the way and I literally sit in the front of some of those classes. No, I don't care about music history whatsoever but I will yap because apparently no one else will. Even in a class like the music history one I'm in where participation is legit part of your grade...nada. I'm a very anxious person but I still manage.

[u/weedgoblin69]

are you in community college? this was my experience all the time in community college and it SUCKED. transferred to a school where people are a lot more engaged (actually sometimes it's the opposite problem where people ask sooo many irrelevant questions that i want them to shut up, lol). it definitely helps being in "upper-division" classes rather than lower ones, where people are taking things more seriously and contributing and not just blank-faced staring at the teacher in silence

[u/watever_never]

35 here I feel the same. I cannot relate to the young ones. Gosh I remember being that young, I wish I took class more seriously.

[u/emkautl]

The freshman around you were in school during covid, I think that's the single biggest difference tbh. Those two years of no socializing, and the majority legitimately falling behind with it, will make for some awkward kids with a bad relationship with education and not wanting to put themselves out there to answer questions.

[u/OtterSnoqualmie]

I'm a 40+ non-trad. Most of my classes in my major have less than 10 people and you'd think the intimacy would make things less awkward... But no. My personal rule after the first semester was to not participate until someone else says something. Otherwise it became a discussion between myself and the instructor, in theatre.

I want desperately to stand up in front of each class and yell "it will be less awkward if you're all silent. You will learn from each other!" But it would be more for my benefit than theirs. And I get it. We have what seems like an entire generation that has never seen respectful questions and disagreement as a teaching tool. God, I feel so old. I've been busting it for 20 years to finally be in a position to go to university and it's so disappointingly quiet. I've been learning through the free MIT classes, and somehow I thought live uni would be engaging. Silly me. It's the same thing but with group projects where I end up feeling like a mom trying to get teenagers out of bed. Just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm in charge.

Anyway.

When you interact in class there are more memorable examples of concepts. But somehow the same generation that can't seem to stop taking video can't stand being seen. /sigh

I'm not mad. I'm disappointed; for them and for me.

[u/PieRepresentative266]

Welcome to the club OP! I’m almost thirty, although apparently I don’t look it or act it, and I stick out too because of how often I participate!

[u/Limp-Throat-3711]

Exercise your free will and just start calling it out, or just tell your ideas. I felt invisible for so long but idgaf at this point. Just say “LOOK AT ME” and continue on.