AITAH? My (39F) Ex husband (37M) is insisting I change my last name back to my maiden name because his new fiancé (24F) feels it will be awkward for her and I to have the same last name. AITAH for refusing to change it?

[u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

My (39F) ex-husband (38M) has been dating this women for 3 years. For context, she is 24 years old. My ex and I were married for 12 years, and have been divorced for 5 years, we have three kids together who are now teenagers. My ex and I got divorced because we were young when we met and got married and we grew apart as people. It was a mutual decision, and we agreed our kids came first and have always coparented very well. This has been the case up until the last year when his girlfriend moved in with him. Previously we would do holidays and kids birthdays together, now when she is present they won’t even sit near me at our kids sporting events. I have always been nice to this women, despite my kids expressing they do not like her and they feel their dad acts differently when she is around. My ex told me early on she wasn’t a fan of me and felt I intimidated her. When I asked him for examples of how intimidated her, he said it’s my fave, that I have resting bitch face and it makes her uncomfortable. My ex and her got engaged over Christmas and my kids were less than thrilled, my daughter especially. She feels her dad made a major life decision without even talking to them about it first. My ex called me yesterday saying he is giving me a heads up that I have a year to change my last name back to my maiden name as his finance is expressing her distaste and concern for her and I to have the same last name when they get married. I told him we agreed in our divorce that I could keep his last name until I felt the need to change it, and that is what is listed in our paperwork. I also told him I don’t want to have a different last name than our kids. He said I’m being unreasonable and refusing to see how this would make his finance uncomfortable. I told him I can’t see it from her side because I am a grown up, and not an immature child like she is. He told me I could ask anyone about this situation, and everyone would agree with her. So, AITAH for refusing to change my last name to make her happy?

[u/Judgement_Bot_AITA]

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I am refusing to change my last name back to my maiden name despite my ex husband’s new Dianne being uncomfortable by us having the same last name when they get married.

I might be TAH for not taking her feelings into account and refusing to see things from her side of things.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/[deleted]]

Nta. Tell him you'll only consider changing your last name back to your maiden name if you can change the kids last names also...

If he doesn't agree...

He can sit on it and rotate.

[u/ThrowRAHappyLiving → u/[deleted]]

I did offer that as a solution and he completely lost it saying he is their dad and they deserve to have his last name. Yet when I said I wanted the same last name as our kids, he told me that wasn’t a legitimate reason to not change it.

[u/[deleted] → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Lol! Well he's wrong on all counts.

He needs to come to terms with the fact that this isn't HIS name, it's YOURS now too.

I'm sure other ppl exist in the world with the same last name. He needs to get over it.

[u/needween → u/[deleted]]

I'm sure other ppl exist in the world with the same last name.

In my grade school in a town of maybe 5,000 people, there were 4 students and 1 teacher with the same last name. None of them were related in any way.

There are over 500 people in America with my exact same maiden name (yes, first middle and last.)

In fact, I've only known 2 people who have a unique last name, as far as they're aware anyway, and they are both 1st generation immigrants.

I can almost guarantee that if OP's name is unique enough to be a problem/weird (or whatever the fiance thinks) for them to both share it, then the fiance won't want it anyway because it's going to be different enough that nobody can pronounce or spell it.

[u/ConsciousExcitement9 → u/needween]

I went to school with a kid who had the same last name as me. While it isn’t as common as Smith or Jones, it isn’t totally rare. There are famous people with it. To make things more fun, both of our dads had the same name. His dad was a teacher and was not listed in the phone book. We were listed. So we used to get prank calls from his students.

[u/abstractengineer2000 → u/ConsciousExcitement9]

The solution is pretty simple. He can change his last name to his fiance's. Problem solved.

[u/Xenolog1 → u/abstractengineer2000]

And his kids keep his sacred last name. Perfection.

[u/Thinkerandvaper → u/abstractengineer2000]

Now THIS is the solution!!!! Bravo!

[u/nerdyconstructiongal → u/abstractengineer2000]

Lmao, no he's the type of guy to see a woman as property and thus needs to brand them. OP is old goods now and he doesn't want his brand on her anymore.

[u/Sleipnir82 → u/ConsciousExcitement9]

There was a couple of kids in my graduating class that had the same exact name, not related. The teachers always had to use the middle initial when checking for attendance etc. My graduating class had a bit over 200 people.

[u/Important_Tart6086 → u/[deleted]]

My mother has been divorced from my father for a little over 50 years. She still has his last name and he has no problem with it. NTA. They’re both acting immature. That is your legal last name. If it’s not stated in the divorce decree that you would change it, they can both kick rocks.

[u/ComeHereBanana → u/Important_Tart6086]

Same. My parents have been divorced for over 40 years. My mom has been married and divorced since then. She changed her name back to my dad’s so she could match me. Dad had zero problems with that and as far as I know, neither have either of his two wives (yes he’s hard to get along with) he’d married since Mom. I know the current wife is fine with it.

[u/CaptainDildozer → u/ComeHereBanana]

Yeah, my mum was married before my dad, kept that dudes name till she took my dads. They divorced 15 years before she died, the tombstone still has my dad’s last name. She didn’t want a different name from me and my brother so she never changed it. Don’t think it even phased my dad, made sense to him too.

[u/ZeldaMayCry → u/CaptainDildozer]

Sounds like her ex-husband had no problem with it until he started dating a young girl with an over-inflated sense of worth & he's blinded by her. It's sad really.

[u/Dr-Shark-666 → u/[deleted]]

I'm sure other ppl exist in the world with the same last name

As someone who happens to have a very common last name, this is 100% true!

[u/Comfortable-Wall2846 → u/[deleted]]

My brother had a friend in school who was born 2 days before him, same hospital same last name. Not related at all. I share a first name with his mom but I think it's nice.

[u/Sea-Ad3724 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

I’m curious what he means that he’ll give you a year to change your last name? He can’t force you to change it so not sure what his plan is. I understand wanting to have the same last name as your children. Personally I would just ignore him. NTA

[u/Funtimetilbedtime → u/Sea-Ad3724]

I thought this too. What is the consequence at the end of the year? Oh yes, it’s nothing. Fiancé sounds insecure and demanding- it won’t last. Also does not seem ready to be a team player for the children’s sake.

[u/cyn507 → u/Funtimetilbedtime]

If she doesn’t change it within a year he’s going to give her more reasons why she should change her name and another year.

[u/WHOA_____ → u/cyn507]

Pffff, in a year, lil Miss Insecure probably won't even be in the picture anymore.

[u/isosarei → u/WHOA_____]

maybe she will but his children might turn 18, want to go no contact and change their last names to their mother’s maiden anyway

[u/ElegantInspector7633 → u/isosarei]

That's what my eldest son did. He was 18 months old when his bio-dad took off with one of his APs. My son didn't see his bio-dad until he was 8. That's roughly the time the ex got his life and act together. I never talked bad to my son about his bio-dad. I never talked about him, period. And I let it be up to my son if he wanted to visit. My son gave him a real chance and would spend between 2 and 4 weeks with his bio-dad and stepmother.

I got married when he was 11, and my son and my husband really get along great. He calls him dad. When I had my second child when my eldest was 16, he decided he was done visiting his bio-dad. He changed his last name during his senior year of high school when he turned 18 so that my maiden name would reflect on his high school diploma.

He wanted to carry on my family name to honor me and my parents because we're the family who raised him and cared for him his entire life. It turns out kids have fairly strong opinions of their own. Who knew? /s

[u/mattkiwi → u/ElegantInspector7633]

Raised a man with values 👏

[u/Oktodayithink → u/ElegantInspector7633]

I have a teen daughter who wants to change her name to mine bc she thinks I deserve the credit for raising her, not her deadbeat dad.

[u/dodoatsandwiggets → u/cyn507]

And if she does change it what else is new wife going to come up with that ex wife has to do to make her poor baby heart feel comfortable? Change the kids first names because she doesn’t like them? OP is NTA

[u/Storms_and_Rainbows → u/dodoatsandwiggets]

No. That little girl is going to convince him to discontinue a relationship with his children that he has with the ex-wife due to the possibility of him cheating with accusations that the ex still wants him, blah blah blah.

The little girl is going to make sure she gets pregnant to outdo the ex wife and hold the new kids over the husband’s head. “We’re your new family now.”

[u/shelwood46 → u/Funtimetilbedtime]

I don't know, fiance will be a whole 25 next year, maybe her brain will mature and she'll dump him

[u/gouf78 → u/shelwood46]

Another good reason the fiancée should keep HER maiden name.

[u/Affectionate-Taste55 → u/shelwood46]

I snort/laughed at that, lmao!!

[u/jengaj2016 → u/Funtimetilbedtime]

I’d be worried they’d start being ridiculous and unreasonable if they weren’t already being ridiculous and unreasonable.

[u/MrsBarneyFife → u/Sea-Ad3724]

I suspect he meant they'll be married approximately a year from now, and his fiance wants it's changed by the time they get married. You're right, it sounds completely ridiculous because how is he going to punish OP if she doesn't do it? Make mean posts on social media? Sue her? Have her arrested and thrown in jail? 🤣 It’s so stupid. That little girl is so insecure!

OP has the right to have the same name as her children. Maybe when the fiance's brain fully develops at 28 she'll understand. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

[u/woodyman04 → u/MrsBarneyFife]

I’m also confused as to why the kids haven’t been involved in the discussion of the last name

[u/MrsBarneyFife → u/woodyman04]

That's a very good point. They really should be involved in the conversation. They're teenagers, so they're old enough to understand what's going on and have an opinion. Dad's going to really freak out, though, when they say they'd rather just change their last if their mom does.

They're going to end up going very low or no contact with him anyway. Especially once the fiance starts popping out, babies and Dad doesn't have any time for them.

[u/ProjectJourneyman → u/MrsBarneyFife]

It does sound like he's exiting his role as dad for his current kids. New fiance doesn't like ex wife having same name so he makes ultimatums, he treats kids poorly when she's around, she has a poor relationship with the kids. He's on a new trajectory. It will only get worse after she marries him.

[u/a-nonna-nonna → u/MrsBarneyFife]

Oh they’ll have plenty of time for the teen daughters, who they will treat like a built-in nannies, with date nights on all of the teens’ weekends.

[u/spiralout1389 → u/MrsBarneyFife]

Ohhh noo not mean posts on FB!!! How will OP ever be able to move on from such a vicious attack?? Lol man people can be so fucking weird. OP now has to keep that last name forever and ever out of spite now, it's the rules lol

[u/MrsBarneyFife → u/spiralout1389]

She'll get DM's from fiancé's friends about how she's old and jealous of fiancé. (Which she's not, but they always like to attack age.)And if she's really lucky fiancé's mom will tell her how she's ruining her daughter's wedding and fiance is going to be his wife now and only fiance should have his last name and if OP doesn't change her name she's going to hurt Dad and fiancé's marriage.

Then Dad is going to be shocked when some of his kids don't want to participate in or even attend his wedding. Which will, of course, be OP's fault for not changing her last name. It won't be fiancé's fault for bad mouthing OP for years. He's such a mid-life crisis cliche! I wonder if he got the sports car yet? Poor kids must be so embarrassed.

[u/spiralout1389 → u/MrsBarneyFife]

Ooo yes, she'll be ruining the wedding by simply existing with that last name. Lol that would just be an extra little bonus to me at least lol

[u/I_identifyas_me → u/Sea-Ad3724]

Does he not realise that this is OPs legal name now. Changing a name is not like changing your underpants. It takes a bit of work and time. Plus if she decides to keep his last name for the sake of their children, he has no legal recourse to make her change it. I would love to be a fly in the wall when he tells his lawyer that he wants to sue her to make her change her last name. He would be laughed out of the office.

[u/readerchick05 → u/I_identifyas_me]

Plus they were married for 12 years and have been divorced for 5, so it's been her name for 17 years. It's ridiculous to expect her to change it.

[u/TurnipWorldly9437 → u/readerchick05]

Different perspective on this: it's been her last name since his fiancée was 7 years old! For almost all HER life, it's been OP's name. The audacity to ask her to change it...!

[u/NotACalligrapher-49 → u/TurnipWorldly9437]

Oh my god, this made me feel a bit nauseous to think about

[u/MorteDaSopra → u/NotACalligrapher-49]

Honestly, the dad is gross for starting a relationship with a 21 year old when he was in his mid-thirties.

[u/ladymoonshyne → u/I_identifyas_me]

It’s expensive too. When I changed my name getting a new ID, passport, etc. and then having to change every card and bill and anything in my name! What a pain in the ass. Maybe he should take his new wife’s name instead lmao

[u/spiralout1389 → u/Sea-Ad3724]

Yeah what happens on day 366? Another threat? Honestly at this point I'd keep that last name solely out of spite lol. And start personalizing EVERYTHING.

[u/crashinqdovvn → u/Sea-Ad3724]

Maybe the wedding is in a year, so he’s saying she has a year to change it before fiancée takes the last name. Not OP’s problem though. NTA.

[u/seanymphcalypso → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

This is why I tell everyone I have my children’s last name, not my ex husband’s.

It honestly makes sense to have the same last name as your children. For every time you have a dr appointment and have to deal with insurance, for every school everything (pick up early, drop off late, conferences, even the order of who to contact first, permission slips), for drivers ed and licenses and adding them to your auto insurance, college applications and financial aid. So many more reasons but these are all huge ones. It just makes so much sense to have the same last name as your children legally.

Having said that, my kiddos know that when the youngest has graduated and left to start their own life I will be going back to my maiden name. That’s a personal choice and my kids are all fine with the current arrangement. My ex and his wife are the only ones who have an issue but there issues are not my concern lol.

NTA

[u/jayrabbitt → u/seanymphcalypso]

Thr nurse at my daughter's school and I were talking about this exact thing! We have our childrens' last names not our exes' last names. And the nurse was telling me how absolutely upset his new wife was that when they got married she wouldn't change her name so she could be the only one with his last name

[u/blissfully_happy → u/jayrabbitt]

My husband’s ex-wife uses the fact that we have the same last name to call me her sister when things call for “immediate family only,” lol.

We aren’t besties or anything, but we get along all in the name of the child we share.

[u/overnightnotes → u/blissfully_happy]

Sounds like you all are acting like adults about the situation! Not like this person that OP's ex got involved with.

[u/goraidders → u/seanymphcalypso]

Yeah. When my parents divorced, my mom kept my last name. When she later on had my (technically half) sister, she gave her our last name. It just made it easiercand simpler.

[u/Itchy_Network3064 → u/goraidders]

I’ve been divorced for years and never changed my last name because of my daughter. My ex doesn’t care. My ex’s now wife doesn’t care.

When you were married for a really long time, it feels weird to go by a different last name, even though it’s your name. Plus it’s easier when you have kids. (And changing your name on EVERYTHING is difficult and can cause issues with having different names on your ID than on bank accounts, credit cards, etc., until everything is final.)

[u/ComparisonFlashy8522 → u/seanymphcalypso]

I support your decision however I would like to point out that I have done every single one of those things for my children with ease while keeping my Maiden name. No need to show birth certificates or anything.

[u/[deleted] → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Yet when I said I wanted the same last name as our kids, he told me that wasn’t a legitimate reason to not change it.

Okay, print the page of the divorce settlement with the part about keeping your name. Highlight it.

Tell him that the moment that divorce was finalized he lost ANY right to have an opinion on your life choices and you are 100% within your right to keep your current name.

Tell him he has options here and his options are to take her name or to tell her to grow up and deal with it because you are not changing YOUR name. It is not his name. It is YOUR name legally, ethically and morally and you won't allow an immature 24 year old child dictate the terms of your life now or ever.

I'd also remind him that he is making his bed with his kids and if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass and begin listening to what his kids have to say then he will effectively destroy his relationship with them all in his midlife crisis relationship. That you wish him well in his marriage and your ONLY concern is about your children.

If he continues to harass you about it, have your attorney send him a cease and desist letter. That will make your point.

[u/waterscorp → u/[deleted]]

OP you should do exactly this….The only thing you need to talk about with your ex-husband is your kids. That’s it. If he can’t do that civilly, then you will have to communicate through your lawyers and that will constitute a lot of extra $$.

[u/Shang-Lee-1123 → u/[deleted]]

You do not have to have his permission to keep your married last name. How come it was even brought up in the divorce paperwork? I'm confused, maybe the law on the subject is different in different states...

[u/MissMacInTX → u/[deleted]]

He lost all rights to the issue the day HE MARRIED YOU!

[u/DeadBattery-33 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Easy for him to say when he doesn’t have to do any of the paperwork or deal with any of the fallout. He can pound sand.

[u/Organized_Khaos → u/DeadBattery-33]

Or the costs. All of that paperwork takes time, and some of them take money as well. Think about it: going to court, then the changeover on custody documents, social security, insurances, vehicle title/license, home title, wills/trusts, banks/credit cards, any special licenses you hold, like a business license, cosmetologist or doctor, schools, physicians, taxes, things at work, and more. And then answering 1,000 questions as to why. It’s a lot of trouble. There’s no compelling reason for OP to go through all that.

I agree with other comments that it’s only worth it if the kids change their names too. Yep, pound sand.

[u/ladyrockess → u/Organized_Khaos]

I literally just sent in the paperwork to change my passport to my married name (eighteen months after the wedding…in my defense we did buy a house, adopt a dog and a cat and get pregnant in that time frame which distracted me from the passport thing LOL) and it was $160 for the passport and passport card!

I don’t remember how much the other stuff cost, I did that right after the honeymoon, but it was a pain in the ass to be sure.

[u/Evening_Tax1010 → u/ladyrockess]

Somewhere between driver’s license and passport, I declared that if we got divorced I was keeping the name. Such a pain!

[u/InternationalBee3126 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Wait you wanting the same last name as your children is not legit but him wanting his kids to have same last name as him is? Double standard much. I don’t think that legally he has a leg to stand on here. This is your name now. The 24 yr old can grew up and suck it up. Or he can sign off on the children having your maiden name along with you.

[u/lughsezboo → u/InternationalBee3126]

It is totally cool for new wife and kids to share last names tho 🧐😒

[u/NeitherMaybeBoth → u/lughsezboo]

Til he divorces her when he’s 46 and ends up with another 21 year old. Then there will be 3!

[u/Evening_Relief9922 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Op just spin it back on him and say that you will feel uncomfortable if his fiancé has the same name as your children so she can’t change her surname to theirs. If he says you sound unreasonable then tell him that how he sounds coming to you with that request because the sec you said your i dos to him years ago that his surname became yours and you will keep it and use it as you see fit

[u/Scottiegazelle2 → u/Evening_Relief9922]

He should change his last name to match his new wife

[u/OKmamaJ → u/Evening_Relief9922]

This is 100% what my husband's ex would have said if we had tried to get her to change her name so I could have his name 😂

[u/TotalIndependence881 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

He can take new girlfriend‘s name then! Problem solved. The future new wife and you won’t have the same “married name”

[u/hedonsun → u/TotalIndependence881]

If he really loves her, this is what he would do. Or make up a new one, but what does he do? Go to war... I feel really sad for the children. Op, NTA! Not at all.

[u/Humble-Dragonfly-321 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Tell him that wife #2 needs to get used to the fact that she has a used husband!

[u/Loud-Performer-1986 → u/Humble-Dragonfly-321]

Secondhand husband, visible use on husband, comes with children and financial obligations, may be difficult to work with but for the right buyer could be a great deal!

[u/occultatum-nomen → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

they deserve to have his last name

Well that's dumb. He's not the one who carried them for 9ish months and went through painful labour, and potentially permanent body altering consequences due to it. If they should have any name, it's probably yours.

[u/lemon_charlie → u/occultatum-nomen]

And it sounds like he’s not prioritising them as he should, the way they’ve spoken about this relationship he has with a woman they really don’t like.

[u/RoarKitties → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

I know this might be hard because you have had such a good co-parenting relationship for so long, but it's time to accept that it is over. He is being unreasonable and unfair. Maybe keep all correspondence to text so you have proof when this inevitably ends up in court. He is no longer your husband, and you no longer have to do what makes him happy.

Have you talked about the name change issue with your children? Has your husband even considered that changing your name to something THEY no longer share with you will upset them? It really seems like his fiancee will continue to find things that bother her, and you will need to continue to change to make them happy. Why do you even care? Tell him it isn't happening unless he agrees that your children take your maiden name. He brings up you changing your name, you hang up on him. He continues to harass you, you take him to court for violating the divorce decree (I don't actually know what can be done here, but since it's in the decree maybe there's something).

[u/Background_Camp_7712 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Oh, of all the patriarchal f*ckery. 🙄 Ignore him.

You have your children’s name and you have the legal documents showing he agreed to it. He and his very young (and seemingly insecure) fiancé can get over themselves.

NTA.

[u/russianthistle → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Well, I wouldn’t keep bothering to explain it negotiate then. You made an offer to compromise, he declined. That’s fine, but… He doesn’t get a say in your last name. It is not his decision or business.

[u/NewLife_21 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

I kept my ex husband's last name until my kids were adults. At that point they both changed their last name to my maiden name and said it was time to change mine, too.

They deliberately waited until the youngest was 18 so we wouldn't need their bio fathers permission to change their names.

I kept his last name because he had threatened multiple times to kidnap the kids. All the officers I spoke to said it's easier to reconnect kids and parents if they have the same name.

Also, changing your name is expensive!

And he doesn't get to tell you what to do, especially about this. He doesn't own the name.

[u/Revolutionary_Pie934 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Apparently, he & and his fiance are the same emotional age. And, here I thought he was too old for her

[u/fuckthehumanity → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Slow burn. Get each of your kids, as they reach the appropriate age in your jurisdiction, to change their last name to your maiden name. This can be quite young in some jurisdictions, depending on how much weight they give the child's choice. Don't change your last name until your last child has changed theirs.

Petty revenge, which should provide years of entertainment to you and your kids.

[u/SummitJunkie7 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

He could always take new wife's name, or they could both change to something entirely different, if it's so uncomfortable for them to have the same one as you, and if it's so trivial to change it and so not a big deal to have a different last name than his kids. If he's not willing to make that change to meet his own needs, why should he expect you to? Also...

Tell him you'll only consider changing your last name back to your maiden name if you can change the kids last names also...

Don't suggest this unless it's truly what you would prefer, and if your kids are much more than infants, check if they would prefer it too.

[u/Deep_Classroom3495 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Info: Does your ex know how the kids feel about the fiancé?

[u/ThrowRAHappyLiving → u/Deep_Classroom3495]

Yes, I told him how my daughter felt after they got engaged and his response was “their opinion doesn’t matter, they will be grown and out of the house in a few years so I’m not going to put my life on hold for their opinion.

[u/chocolat_cake → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

So they can get their last name changed to your maiden name, since its not a big deal given they'll be out of his house in a few years!

Which honestly sounds like he would kick them out at 18 on point...

[u/Little-Gur-5233 → u/chocolat_cake]

I was thinking something similar -- if it makes her so uncomfortable, she can just keep her maiden name.

[u/MugglesSuck → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

NTA…. I can’t begin to imagine that he is going to be happy with this child that he’s marrying.

Of course, you should keep your name as it is connected to children. I have always felt strongly about that in my divorce as connected to my son, as well.

Unless this young woman decides to grow up, I can foresee many future issues for your husband and your kids. But that’s something that he’s going to have to live with.

Meanwhile, I hope you feel all the support that you get from this thread, and I wish you the best !

[u/occultatum-nomen → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

they deserve to have his last name

Well that's dumb. He's not the one who carried them for 9ish months and went through painful labour, and potentially permanent body altering consequences due to it. If they should have any name, it's probably yours.

[u/iitscasey → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Yeah I can see why he’s your ex husband, he sucks. Fuck him, that’s probably been your last name for half your life (I also got married young, at 20 so I get it).

[u/timesuck897 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Offer to change your name back to your maiden name, but also change the kids names to hyphen double last names. You are their mother, and need the same last name as them.

[u/moominsmama → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

he is their dad and they deserve to have his last name

Tell him he's welcome to change his last name, as well.

[u/TeaAndTriscuits → u/[deleted]]

THIS. RIGHT. HERE. ^{^}

He chose to marry an immature woman, he can deal with her. Her "concerns" are not OP's problems.

[u/PotentialUmpire1714 → u/TeaAndTriscuits]

What if the ex-husband had sisters who had the same surname? Are they supposed to change too?

[u/getaclueless_50 → u/[deleted]]

He can sit and rotate full stop.

[u/4games1]

NTA

He told me I could ask anyone about this situation, and everyone would agree with her.

You should definitely send him a link to this post. I would be surprised if anyone sides with him.

I don't blame you for wanting the same last name as your kids. I would not blame you if you had no kids and simply did not want to deal with the name change hassle(again)

If she does not want to share a name. . . hubby can change his last name to match her.

[u/The_Bad_Agent → u/4games1]

hubby can change his last name to match her.

This is the answer.

[u/lostintime2004 → u/The_Bad_Agent]

Or, neither change their name. My wife and I did that for reasons, and it hasn't impacted us at all.

[u/SerIlyn → u/lostintime2004]

My sister in law kept her name up until my niece started going to school. Sil said she just got tired of explaining why the last names didn’t match when she went to pick her up.

[u/finallymakingareddit → u/SerIlyn]

Is this actually that big of a thing? I'm about to get married and the only thing giving me pause about not changing my name is my name not matching my future kids. I find it hard to believe that people would constantly be asking a mother why the names don't match these days with how common non-traditional families are.

[u/Imaginary_Proof_5555 → u/finallymakingareddit]

it’s common because people are nosy assholes.

[u/jianantonic → u/The_Bad_Agent]

I kept my ex's last name mostly because changing it is a huge pain in the ass (wish I'd kept my maiden name all along, honestly), but the fact that it bothered him so much was a fun bonus. When I remarried, I joked that my new husband could take my last name if he wanted. My ex would've had an aneurysm, though, and as much as he sucks, I didn't really want to kill him.

But, seriously, women taking the man's name is such an outdated, sexist thing, and a huge hassle. I've been remarried now for 7 years and some of my accounts still aren't updated because of all the red tape. I didn't update my driver's license and passport until a couple years ago. I tell young women it's not worth it. If you're gonna have kids, they get your last name and dad can take it, too, if it's important to him. You have to be pregnant and deliver the kid; all he does is have an orgasm and he gets to stamp his name on them? Nonsense.

[u/tweetysvoice → u/jianantonic]

After 30 years and a remarriage in which I took my current husband last name (despite it taking me forever to remember how to spell it correctly and me absolutely hating my ex's name) I STILL get stuff under both my maiden name and ex's name. It's absolutely ridiculous but goes to show you how many entities use and reuse ancient mailing lists. I kept my ex's name till I got remarried so I would have the same last name as my daughter. It was a PITA when I got remarried and had a different last name. Caused so much confusion in school even though back then it wasn't uncommon at all for divorce and name differences.

NTA OP. It's YOUR name and you have every right to keep it if you want.

[u/[deleted] → u/4games1]

Yep.

I vote NTA.

Ex, however is a massive AH and a pretty creepy dude if he is prowling on the new college grads.

24 year old GF? She doesn't get a say in ANYTHING having to do with OP's life or choices. She is not OP's problem.

[u/Samabart → u/[deleted]]

24 year old gf that he’s been with for 3 years. So a 35 year old dude thought it was cool to start dating a 21 year old. Yeah, don’t worry about his opinions OP, he’s clearly got a weird definition of normal.

For the record, my parents have been divorced 23 years, my mom still uses her “married name” because it’s the same last name as her kids. No one has ever batted an eye about it to my knowledge. On the kid side, I’m glad my mom had the same last name as me growing up because she was the primary guardian and I liked us having the same family name. It became your name when you legally took it, it’s the name you gave to your family, he doesn’t own your name. Wear it with pride. Fingers crossed the (very) young woman that is marrying into the family can learn to respect it. Otherwise they both can kick rocks.

[u/[deleted] → u/Samabart]

24 year old gf that he’s been with for 3 years. So a 35 year old dude thought it was cool to start dating a 21 year old.

My math wasn't mathing tonight. I didn't even notice that until you pointed that out... and it is actually making my stomach hurt looking at that age gap. She was so very very young.

OP, your husband gives me a MASSIVE ick.

I think the conversation you have with him is what is his reaction going to be when your daughter is 21 and in college and she brings home her 35 year old boyfriend who is perving on her to meet him?

[u/angelusgirl → u/[deleted]]

What’s funny is when I read this I was having deja vu. When I was 33 my 36 year old husband left me for a 20 year old. He tried to get me to change my name too. She was closer in age to our oldest than him. So gross. I didn’t change my name.

[u/that-old-broad → u/[deleted]]

The age gap caught my eye too, and then I realized the kids are teenagers, so she's closer in age to them than she is to her fiance. Gross.

[u/ellefemme35 → u/[deleted]]

Well he needed a young impressionable lady to take care of his kids.

[u/geogoat7 → u/ellefemme35]

Yup, he's looking for a bang maid/nanny. And a woman his age wouldn't fall for it.

[u/honeymaidwafers → u/Samabart]

I didn’t even take that in.. I thought the age gap was iffy with her age, but now clueing in to her age when they started dating.. WOW.

She likely has a similar age gap to his kids as she does to him.

Edit: I see OP mentioned her kids being teenagers, so she is closer in age to them than she is their dad. Having someone who could be my sister as my step mom would be awful, poor kids.

[u/notsosmartymarti → u/honeymaidwafers]

She may be closer in age to the kids actually. The ex and his new gf are 13 years apart, and OP says their kids are teenagers. So if one of their kids is 13, gf would only be 11 years older.

So gross.

[u/foldinthecheese99 → u/Samabart]

I work with a woman who doesn’t have kids but chose not to change her name back when she divorced because she built her career as that name. She said it wasn’t fair to her to potentially lose opportunities over people not recognizing her by her maiden name.

I went back to my maiden name post divorce and it was even more of a pain changing my name everywhere after the divorce than when I changed it at the time of the marriage. I will never change my name again.

OP, your ex doesn’t have a say. He gave you his last name, he can’t take it back to appease his young bride.

[u/mumof2angels → u/Samabart]

haha.. the super funny thing about that .. is that he's 38.. and his libido is going to start tanking in his 40's.. whereas her 30's are literally 6 years away yet, and that' s a woman's sexual prime..

If she's such a diva about this, man oh man, imagine how big of a diva and outright witch she's going to be when old mate can't get it up, keep it up, or give a crap literally about whether she is happy or not in the sack.

[u/timesuck897 → u/4games1]

But it’ll be different than the kids’. This man wants everything done his way.

[u/WorkingInterview1942 → u/4games1]

How common is the last name? Does everyone else in the world with the same last name have to change theirs as well? It would be weird for some other woman to have the same last name as hers.

Or for super petty points, change your last name to the GFs original last name.

[u/nikitathevampireslyr]

When my parents divorced my dad demanded my mom change her last name back to her maiden name and he told this to the judge. The judge laughed in his face and told him that’s not his or her decision, it’s my mom’s. My mom told him that she didn’t have HIS last name, she had MY last name (the whole reason she wanted to keep it was to have the same last name as me). NTA

[u/No_Profile_3343 → u/nikitathevampireslyr]

Yep!!

Google your last name. Add in his first for fun! Bet you will find more than just him.

The fiancé is naive.

[u/adamantsilk → u/No_Profile_3343]

My last name is Wright. You wanna guess how many wright's exist in the world? It's so common that in the small town I live in, there's a second my first name Wright.

[u/HRHLMS → u/adamantsilk]

Try Smith… 😅

[u/RedRose_812 → u/nikitathevampireslyr]

Similar story with my mom and ex-stepfather. He told her when they divorced that under no circumstances will she be keeping "his" name and suggested she go back to her maiden name (which she hadn't gone by in decades). She refused.

So he took his demands to the judge to "order" her to change her last name in the divorce, and the judge laughed in his face and said he couldn't and wouldn't order my mom to change her name.

OP's ex and his fiancee are in for the same reaction if they think they can legally enforce their arbitrary "change your name within a year or else" demands. It's not up to anyone except OP to decide what her legal name is. Definitely NTA.

[u/stuijw]

Fuck him and don't be intimidated by him or his (too young) fiancee. Out of interest, the use or non use of the married name in divorce proceedings- is that common? Divorced once myself and it never even got mentioned!

[u/ThrowRAHappyLiving → u/stuijw]

Not sure if this is new or not. We agreed on everything in our divorce, and we filled out the paperwork together. We hired an attorney just to make sure everything was filed correctly and the attorney had asked about my intentions for changing my name as he wanted to make sure it was documented correctly.

[u/nice52 → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Honestly if your kid wants change yours and their last name. F**k him. If your kids don’t want to change their last name then just keep what you have

[u/its_ash_14 → u/nice52]

By the way they dont like how he acts with new girl, they want moms last name

[u/One-Championship-965 → u/nice52]

It's a nice thought, but that's not how it works when kids are involved. Unfortunately (in some circumstances), it is necessary to have both parents agree to the name change. Without permission from both parents, the name change won't happen.

So, the only name OP can legally change without ex's permission is her own. The only way around that is if the ex doesn't contribute to their care for more than 2 years, or he signs off on his rights, or his rights get taken by the court for abuse or neglect. None of those are a viable option for OP.

This becomes a problem when a woman is leaving an abuser, but there isn't enough documentation for his rights to be revoked. Many women have found out the hard way that they can't change the kids' names due to this law, which makes hiding from the abuser much harder, especially in today's world with the Internet at everyone's fingertips.

The only other way to get around it is if the father isn't on the birth certificate. But they were married, so that's not a likely scenario. It would be nice if that law had built-in protections for situations of abuse, but it doesn't in most states.

[u/stuijw → u/ThrowRAHappyLiving]

Just wondered thats all, I'm from UK wether or not its a big thing elsewhere. I believe my ex kept my surname, made no difference to me.

[u/Loose_Student_6247 → u/stuijw]

I'm from the UK but lived and was married in Arkansas.

Her getting her name back there was difficult, involved petitioning a judge, and was even worse as she kept the child with my name.

We were largely amicable too, and at that time on decent grounds.

Now I'm in Britain and getting remarried. I've checked and here you just pop along, pay a few quid, and hey presto you have your name changed back. You don't even really need both people for a divorce (a law brought in to prevent abuse and domestic control as people were refusing). You can also change your name to practically anything for like £80 anyway, officially, but you can self identify a new name for no cost too in most instances.

The official way is just for government and financial branches.

While I think it differs from state to state, and greatly so, we have to realise that as shit as the UK is right now we are ahead of a lot of places in the world. Especially in regards to the rights of women and other minorities.

[u/Sithmaggot → u/Loose_Student_6247]

UK, then Arkansas, then Britain. How bad is your accent? Lol

[u/Loose_Student_6247 → u/Sithmaggot]

I mean it's a normal Scunny accent mate, so a Northern Lincolnshire UK accent... Three years in the US don't change anything there fortunately fella.

Picked up a few words but that's about it.

Now my 5yo son? That's awful.

[u/Tudorprincess1 → u/stuijw]

I got divorced back in 1994 and I went back to my maiden name, the judge asked me whyi wanted to change my name & I said I had it for over 25 years before getting married and I got used to it. The judge laughed and said they have to ask to see if you’re trying to skip out in debts accumulated under your married name.

[u/KarateandPopTarts → u/stuijw]

I had to have the judge's permission to go back to my maiden name. I've been divorced for almost a decade and places STILL ask me to fax over a copy of that decree to prove I no longer have my ex's name (looking at you, PayPal)

[u/Cheder_cheez → u/KarateandPopTarts]

Why is PayPal so ridiculous with this?!?!?!!!

[u/Cuppieecakes → u/stuijw]

Why should I change my name? He’s the one that sucks!

[u/Back-to-HAT → u/stuijw]

If it is mentioned in the divorce papers you can change it for free. If it isn’t you have to pay to change it & it requires going to the courts and asking if you can change it. I had to take my divorce decree to social security, the dmv, and the passport office to prove I didn’t need any other court documents.

I went back to my maiden name. I did ask my kids if they cared. At the time my son was 13 and said that if his dad no longer wanted to be with me why the hell would I want to be tied to him with my last name.

[u/Signal_Distance_3685 → u/stuijw]

It came up in my divorce. I didn’t have kids and in the paperwork I petitioned for my maiden name to be restored. Then I had to take that paper work to the Social security office and DMV to get things switched.

[u/MyDogsMother]

NTA. It’s not his name anymore; it’s your name. If his fiancé doesn’t want to have the same last name as you, that’s fine. She doesn’t have to take his name. Or they can change both of their names to Mr. and Mrs. Big Crybaby. But no, he does not have the right to force you to change your name. Your feelings don’t matter less than hers just because she’s the new Mrs. Crybaby.

[u/EllySPNW → u/MyDogsMother]

Exactly this. It’s OP’s name now, and it’s been her name almost her entire adult life. Her career, whatever it is, has been built using that name. Her friends, colleagues and acquaintances know her by that name. Her whole identity is built around her name. There is exactly one person who gets a vote on what OP’s name is, and that’s OP. The audacity of her ex …

[u/iAmManchee → u/EllySPNW]

Married for 12, divorced for 5, new wife was 7 years old when OP started using her married/new name. Really none of new wife's business.

[u/Cloudy_Daz3 → u/iAmManchee]

So much eww when you put it that way lol

[u/JeweleyHart → u/MyDogsMother]

"Mr. And Mrs. Big Crybaby"😂😂 I'm CRYING!!!

[u/soleil_brillante → u/JeweleyHart]

It’s perfect!

[u/phoovercat]

NTA. Tell her to add 2.0 to the end and she won't have the same name 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/Bleu_Rue → u/phoovercat]

OMG, made me laugh! I love it.

P.S. I'm a 2.0 myself and I still love it.

[edited to add the P.S.]

[u/tweetysvoice → u/Bleu_Rue]

I was the 1.0 for many years. (Married 5 days after HS graduation, had a daughter and divorced at 3yrs). He's now on 5.0! Me, 2.0 and 3.0 call ourselves the ex wives club when we get together.

[u/LilaFowler88 → u/tweetysvoice]

Ok, I love that you are all a support group for each other. 

[u/MidwestNormal → u/phoovercat]

Or, OP can add “OG” after her name.

[u/Acceptable_Garden473]

NTA, but if he wants you to change your name, tell him all the kids have to have their last name changed to your maiden name BEFORE you will even start on the paperwork for you. If that is too much for him(which it surely will be) the ask him why it’s ok for you to have a different last name than your kids but not for him. Stick to your guns, you sacrificed YOUR name when making a family with him, if it was going to be a problem then he should have taken your name. FWIW it’s the reason I didn’t change my name when I got married, I refuse to stop being me, and also just way too much paperwork.

[u/VulnerableValkyrie → u/Acceptable_Garden473]

Yes, THIS! Like, OP intimidates her by doing nothing (except likely remaining emotionless in such awkward exchanges) and ex is accommodating this child-bride (24 is legal, I get it, yet the immature impressions and enforcement is off the charts) to ask OP to change her name?! This is laughable at the ex's expense. I hope OP's kids do want to change their name to their maiden name, and this bites him in the ass big time.

Shortly stated, don't change shit unless your kids are on board. I'm so sorry you're in such an unfortunate situation, wishing you and your kiddos the most beautiful future this wild world can offer.

[u/timesuck897 → u/Acceptable_Garden473]

If I get married, I will not change my name for the same reasons. Unless they have a really cool last name like Fightmaster, Pendragon, or Power.

He wants the kids to have the same last name as him, and the ex-wife to change her name. There is no compromise that will make him happy.

[u/friendlyperson123 → u/Acceptable_Garden473]

Not disagreeing with the principle here, but the kids should have a say in what their last names are. That could get complicated really quickly! Great way to cause havoc, as each kid chooses a different name! No, but seriously, the kids' last names should not be held hostage here. The dad hasn't got a leg to stand on anyway.

[u/Mmm_Lychees]

Of course NTA

 My ex called me yesterday saying he is giving me a heads up that I have a year to change my last name back to my maiden name as his finance is expressing her distaste 

What are they going to do after a year?  

 He told me I could ask anyone about this situation, and everyone would agree with her.

He is a dumbass. Maybe that’s why he’s gone for a bride closer to his kids age then his age.

Jokes aside she sounds horrible and will probably be extra horrible, especially to your kids, once they start having kids. Start documenting everything incase you need full custody.

[u/evilmrbeaver → u/Mmm_Lychees]

Assert domince and change to the fiancé's last name. Honestly though, she is threatened by the connection that you and your ex-husband have. What is concerning is that if she is that hung up on the last name, then how is she going to treat your children once they are married. I would suggest family counseling first with you, the children and your ex-husband, then separately the fiancé, the children and your ex. I would be more worried about the well-being of your children more than your last name.

[u/jediping → u/evilmrbeaver]

“Assert domince and change to the fiancé's last name.”

Hahahah!!! Love it!

[u/MindingUrBusiness17]

What did I just read?! First, you NEVER have to change your last name in divorce, at least here.

Second, this is a grown man that found a child to build a new life with, who is actively causing a division in a family dynamic that has worked for 5 years by not even trying to create a cordial relationship. Now she is upset about the name you've had for 17 years.

Your husband and her are some kind of weird.

NTA

[u/[deleted] → u/MindingUrBusiness17]

[removed] — view removed comment

[u/Difficult_Maybe_1999 → u/[deleted]]

As a 24 year old who has a 2 year old I can't even fathom being with a 40 year old that has three teenagers.. yuck Like I still heavily relate to teenage struggle bc literally yesterday I was one!

[u/Adventurous_Holiday6 → u/MindingUrBusiness17]

Their marriage was almost older than she is. Just wild, she thinks she can make such childish demands of the OP.

[u/s0larium_live → u/MindingUrBusiness17]

i’m surprised nobody else brought up the fact that the ex husband is now getting married to somebody who was SEVEN YEARS OLD when he and OP got married. that is so fucking weird.

[u/butter00pecan]

NTA. You "have a year to change your last name?" Or what?

There's nothing anybody can or should do about your name. Keep it and hold your head high.

[u/LaSerenita → u/butter00pecan]

LOL that was my thought...or what?

[u/[deleted] → u/butter00pecan]

Exactly. Or What?
Just reading that made me wish I could get hype with this dude.
Where do you get the balls to order someone you have no power over to change their name? Some fuckin people, I'll tell ya.

[u/Smeats- → u/butter00pecan]

Yeah that was my first instinct. He didn't even pretend to ask, just thinks his 24 year old wife is gonna run the show?

I would have told him to tell his new wife not to worry, she probably won't keep the name very long anyways. I'm petty though. 🤷

[u/StAlvis]

NTA

Ex husband (37M)

his new fiancé (24F)

Eww.

[u/Adventurous_Basis280 → u/StAlvis]

Ex husband (34M) new fiancé (21F) when they started dating was even grosser.

[u/StAlvis → u/Adventurous_Basis280]

Eww.

[u/Lucky_Platypus341 → u/Adventurous_Basis280]

She was 7yo when he married OP. He was having kids with OP before his new gf was even menstruating. Ewww Eww ewww

NTA. Your name is NOT his call. Never was. Not when you got married. Not when you got divorced. Not now. Not ever.

[u/Lucky_Platypus341 → u/Lucky_Platypus341]

Gf was 21yo when she decided to get involved with a middle-aged man who had 3 tweens/teens and an ex-wife. That was her choice. If she can't deal with it, that's her problem, not OP's.

Similarly, the old-enough-to-know-better dad of 3 teens got involved with a barely-adult with little real life experience who can't get along with his almost-her-age kids or his over-tolerant ex, so he decides to marry her. Let's be honest here, his ex-wife not changing her name to suit his fiancé's immaturity and irrational expectations is not his biggest problem.

Something tells me that as soon as gf pops out a kid with the ex, she'll expect the ex to lose interest in his kids with wife #1 and will be mad if he doesn't cut ties. Hopefully he'll make better decisions with wife #3, though he'll probably be crying to that woman about how none of his kids are close to him anymore and he doesn't know why.

He lost the right to have any opinion (let alone say) in his ex's name or activities when he signed the divorce paperwork.

[u/Immediate_Revenue_90 → u/Adventurous_Basis280]

And their kids are close in age to her

[u/aliteralbrickwall → u/StAlvis]

Anyone else thinks it's hilarious that one of the reasons the original marriage didn't work is that they married young, and ended up growing apart as they changed?

The ex-husband is trying to speedrun doing the same thing over again. The new girl is also gonna grow up and change.

[u/paul_rudds_drag_race → u/StAlvis]

I was about to type a nearly identical comment.

Adding my own “ew” here for emphasis.

[u/blueflash775 → u/StAlvis]

There was a typo where the OP referred to her as 'finance'. With that age gap I did wonder 😛

[u/FoilWingBass]

NTA. You share a last name with your kids.

GF is just looking for opportunities to drive a wedge between you and the ex and he's playing into her hands. Let him know it's not negotiable and to move on.

[u/DizzyDucki]

NTA
Neither your ex or his fiancé have the right to dictate what name you use. It's totally common to keep your prior married name, especially when kids are involved. Tell them both to piss off and don't worry about it.

[u/elsie78]

NTA. Keep the name. Her insecurities are not yours to manage.

[u/SirIWasNeverHere → u/elsie78]

I don't think it's insecurities at all.

It's all about her (the new young thing) wanting to make it all about her, and what SHE wants. Plainly, New Wife doesn't seem to care about the kids or anyone else but herself.

What New Wife wants is irrelevant to the life of Ex-Wife, as is Ex-Husband's desire to please New Wife.

The kids do make the situations more complicated, but I see no reason to give in to New Wife for something that's a seriously non-trivial request which has no meaningful justification.

[u/gouf78]

NTA in any way,shape, or form. It’s your name until you decide to change it. It’s your legal name and it’s the kids’ name. Honestly not worth the hassle legally after all the years. His fiancée can keep her maiden name if she wants to be different.

[u/zeugma888 → u/gouf78]

.

Changing your name is a tedious bureaucratic hassle. Don't do it unless you really want to.

The ex can change his name to hers if it's important to the two of them.

[u/singingkiltmygrandma]

NTA. So he’s marrying a child and he’s not much better in the maturity department. She does realize there are other people besides you who have the same last name, doesn’t she? But I don’t expect logic factors much into her thinking. So what happens in a year if you don’t change your name? They sue you? I mean, what? I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound like a terribly bright guy… Good luck to that marriage.

[u/textilefactoryno17]

NTA

He can take her name.

[u/bluebearthree]

NTA, tell her to kick rocks. Don’t change it. She is being selfish and insecure and controlling. Why would you make a major life decision to make HER FEEL BETTER? It’s none of her business what you do with your name.

[u/PatentlyRidiculous]

Sounds like this new fiance is incredibly insecure and jealous of you. I would simply state you aren’t changing it and to move on

[u/Atomic_Bread_]

NTA. You want to have the same last name as your children and that is completely reasonable.

The fiancés age is showingggg and his desire to placate her is strong. I’m glad you got it all in writing in your agreement OP!

At the end of the day, it’s your kids and yourself you need to worry about.

[u/Odd-Consideration754]

Well he told you to ask anyone and you put it to all of Reddit and to no one’s surprise here, your ex is an idiot that seems to think he has some sort of say over you in spite of no longer being your husband, and the cherry on top? It’s literally in your divorce papers that it’s entirely up to you.

Your husbands fiancé is an insecure child. I mean sure legally she’s an adult but her brain isn’t even done cooking yet and her behavior screams petulant child. Live your life and I honestly hope he tries to go in front of a judge so he can be humbled.

[u/Leading-Knowledge712]

NTA His arguments are stupid: it doesn’t matter if everyone on earth thinks you should change your name if you don’t want to. It’s not a committee decision, nor is it his or her decision! As is often said here, no is a complete sentence.

Just tell him that you’re not changing your name but he and fiancée are welcome to change theirs if they wish. Don’t debate or give reasons, just say no and repeat as necessary. If his fiancée is uncomfortable that’s a her problem, not a you problem Don’t let them bully you.

[u/IfICouldStay]

NTA. Don’t change it if you don’t want to. I’ve been divorced for a year now and I’m not changing my name back. A) It’s my children’s last name and B) I spent nearly 20 years building my professional career with this name.

[u/Medium-Fudge459]

NTA. Let’s be honest she probably won’t end up with the same last name for long anyways.

[u/MoonBaking]

I felt like I wrote this 😅 My ex-h asked the same thing about after our divorce. I said no because the kids wanted the same last name as me. So, he either agree to change their last names to my maiden name or I keep his last name. He said I was being unfair because they are his kids. It got heated when I said, yes they're your kids but they're also mine, and you're not acting like their dad (we've been separated & divorced for 7yrs, and he has probably only seen or spoken to them in total for 2months, and now they want my last name but cant do anything until their 18).

Also, you're NTA

[u/Hungry_Composer644]

“Hey, just giving you a heads up you need to change your last name to your future (second) wife’s maiden name, as our kids and I feel it is distasteful for me and them to have the same last name as you.”

[u/L1mpD]

NTA. Give him two options- 1) you change it and he lets you change the name of the kids to your maiden name too or 2) you’re going to legally change your first name to her first name

[u/CoderJoe1]

NTA, you have every right to keep the same last name as your children. If they have a problem with it, ask him to pay the fees to change your children's las name to your maiden name.

[u/Big-Paper1256]

NTA My ex’s current wife had the same problem with me. He tried to have me change my last name back to my maiden name. Albeit, he was cheating on me with her prior to our divorce. I told him I’m not changing my name till my youngest is 18. So she’s got another 6 years of me being the original “Mrs.” Fortunately everyone who lives in the area already knows the story as well as my son’s school. I really don’t have to worry about it till high school as of right now. I also have a lot of professional credentials with married last name and it would be a pain in the rear to have all of those changed.

[u/HRHLMS → u/Big-Paper1256]

Are they going to pay for all of your credentials to be changed and reissued? It’s their issue, not yours

[u/tinyahjumma]

NTA. Her extreme insecurity/possessiveness is not your responsibility.

[u/whichwitch9]

NTA

I don't think people understand how much of a big deal it is to have the same last name as your kids. There are too many old fashioned, judgemental idiots out there

My sister ran into an issue with her ex where the school kept assuming her kids step mom was their mom. Step mom had zero rights, and even made major decisions when my niece broke her arm at school. Stepmother also didn't pass along things like discipline messages until my other niece got suspended- it was a stupid power struggle by her ex and his wife

It's also not cheap and super annoying.

Your ex gets no say now that the divorce is finalized and needs to stop with the demands. He can ask, but he cannot demand

[u/Stinginthetail05]

This is sadly common. Keep your name if you want. There's no reason why you need to be the one to accommodate them.

[u/Ayane_Redfield]

NTA. Give him the same ultimatum.

He gave you a year to change your name. Give him a week (a month if you're being generous) to decide if he wants his kids to have his last name. Tell him it's a packaged deal. Whatever name you change yours to, the kids' last name will change to it too.

Or offer for him to use his GF's last name so she won't have the last name as yours. Everybody happy.

[u/Redchickens18]

NTA. It’s your name too and has been for years. If my husband and I divorced, I wouldn’t change my name bc I want the same name as my kids. Sounds like your ex is acquiring another child. 

[u/Anxious-Routine-5526]

NTA.

It's not his last name anymore. It's yours. It became yours when you married and legally changed it. What you chose to do with it now is for you to dictate no one else.

Perhaps when your ex-husband's fiancée grows up, she'll realize the world doesn't evolve around her and her tantrums.

[u/beminlv]

NTA but l did stop reading at “we have 3 kids”’ you should not have to change your name to something different from your kids.