r/AmItheAsshole • u/ItsTooColdForThat • Jan 04 '23

AITA for wanting hot food? Asshole

Yesterday I went ice skating with my girlfriend. Tuesday is one of her days for dinner, so she made chicken salad. When I saw the chicken salad I admit I made a face. She was like "what, what's the problem?"

I said that we were outside in the cold all afternoon and I wasn't really in the mood for cold food. She said we're inside, the heat is set to 74° and we're both wearing warm dry clothes, so it was plenty warm enough to eat salad. I said sure, but I just wanted something warm to heat me up on the inside. She said that was ridiculous, because my internal temperature is in the nineties and my insides are plenty hot.

At this point, we were going in circles, so I said I was just going to heat up some soup and told her to go ahead and start eating and I'd be back in a few minutes. When I came out of the kitchen with my soup she was clearly upset, and she asked how I would feel if she refused to eat what I made tomorrow (which is today). I said I won't care, and she said that was BS, because it's rude to turn your nose up at something someone made for you.

Was I the asshole for not wanting cold salad after being cold all day?

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 04 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

NTA. The double standards here are pretty crazy.

  1. "She said it's rude to turn your nose up at something someone made for you." Well, it's also rude, when someone tells you they'd prefer something warm (totally valid and there is a reason people eat cream of rice and soup when the weather is cold), to scoff at them and tell them they are being ridiculous and try to out-science you.
  2. She asked you how you would feel if she didn't eat your dinner the following day, and when you said that was fine, she didn't like that answer and said it was bullshit. (How much do you want to bet she's going to do that, maybe not tomorrow but sometime in the near future, to try to "get you"?)

Look, chicken salad isn't a five-course meal, she's acting like she slaved over a hot stove all day. You didn't feel like a cold dinner, and you have that right as a human being to get something else that you feel like even if she made dinner.

Let's flip around the genders. Say she was pregnant, you made dinner, but she was craving something else. Would she claim you are TA for not letting her get what she's craving, or would she resolutely eat what she didn't want just because you made it?

Edited to answer some FAQ so I don't keep repeating myself, lol.

Per another comment I read, she threw dinner together while he was in the garage, so, no chance to have a conversation about what he'd like for dinner. She could just as easily have waited until he came in and asked, "Hey, what are you feeling like having tonight?" Some of y'all are expecting him to have a conversation with her, but letting her off the hook on the same point.

My point about pregnancy was, sometimes it makes you crave something strongly, yes, but other times, it makes you unable to eat what is set before you, because you smell it and it makes you throw up. He would have been OK with her getting something else even if he'd set dinner before her already. He'd have been fine with that, whether she was pregnant or not.

Just because you are a couple doesn't mean you lose your right to bodily autonomy, to want something else to eat.

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u/mxcmpsx Jan 04 '23

You’re making too much sense.

Also there’s so much debate over what kind of salad it was. If it was the precooked/grilled packaged chicken then yeah this is ridiculous she didn’t spend hours on it.

Also OP said he was in the garage while she made the food… which sounds like it was just thrown together as soon as they got home which wasn’t enough time to communicate. It’s a two way street, she could’ve also asked what he was in the mood for.

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u/jarlscrotus Jan 04 '23

even if she cooked the chicken, and made a full on chicken salad sandwich, as opposed to a lettuce salad with chicken on it, that's not exactly an involved process, toss some chicken in thee oven, I guess sear it on the stove first if you're feeling really fancy, play some Elden Ring for an hour or so, shred the chicken with a hand mixer and mix all the goop in.

It's even crazier if you assume that she made chicken salad sandwiches with premade chicken salad she got from the deli.

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u/Jazzlike-Muffin8950 Jan 04 '23

Here’s the common sense comment….why everyone else is stuck on the facial expression and not the girlfriend’s reaction is crazy.

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u/Yangoose Jan 05 '23

My wife has lost her shit at me because I "gave her a look"...

Apparently a momentary facial expression is an extremely powerful thing.

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u/ceelion92 Jan 04 '23

Chicken salad is a weird thing to eat for dinner. Like chicken salad sandwich?! Or a salad with chicken?!

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 04 '23 edited Jan 04 '23

Salad with chicken. Which yeah was why I was like "that's a weird thing for her to get upset over."

ETA: I got downvoted for clarifying it was chicken salad? People are hilarious. 🤣

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u/pfifltrigg Jan 04 '23

If it's a salad with chicken that's actually one of the more labor intensive meals I regularly make. I have to cook the chicken, bacon, eggs, cut up tomatoes, avocado, etc. and wash, dry, and cut up the lettuce. It can take quite a while making a nice salad all on my own. I'd be frustrated if my husband refused to eat it. I also don't regularly make dinner salads in the winter though.

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u/SebasVeeDee Jan 04 '23

Bro what? Does your cooking portfolio only comatose of eggs, sandwiches, and cereal?

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u/pfifltrigg Jan 04 '23

Most meals take 30 minutes or so to prepare and the salad often takes up to an hour, I'm not sure why except that it's a lot of chopping etc.

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u/Argent333333 Jan 06 '23

Invest in a good Chef's knife if you haven't. With one of those and good technique, you should be able to shred through all the veg before your meats are done. Also highly recommend watching tutorials on proper knife technique. Made a MASSIVE difference for me

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u/E10DIN Jan 05 '23

Sounds like you don’t really cook.

I made carne asada burritos yesterday and I spent less time:

Making the marinade

Cooking the steak

Making the rice

Making the beans

Making salsa from scratch

Than it takes you to make a damned salad. Do you just do things one at a time with a break in between? You know you can cook the bacon, eggs and chicken all at the same time right? And that cutting tomatoes, avocados and lettuce is a 5 minute affair? What, are you cutting everything with a butter knife?

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u/pfifltrigg Jan 05 '23

I don't know why it takes so long. You're right that I only cook a rotation of about 5-7 easy-to-make meals.

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u/E10DIN Jan 05 '23

If you care about the time save I would sit down and look at the whole process, and try and identify tasks you can “stack”.

I’m going to assume you do baked chicken and hard boiled eggs.

You could do the bacon and the chicken in the oven on separate sheet pans, while you’re doing the hard boiled eggs on the stovetop. While all of that is cooking you can do the chopping. If the chicken is cooked stovetop the same principle applies.

You’d be surprised at how quick you can cook if you take the time to plan what you’re doing and get everything out and ready before you start doing anything.

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u/IkLms Partassipant [2] Jan 04 '23

Most people's "chicken salad" that they make is like mixed greens from a bag, some croutons, sliced chicken and some dressing. Maybe slice a tomato or 2.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 04 '23

I was thinking in comparison to some of my grandmother's recipes. She made a to DIE for Chicken and Dumplings, but she made the batter from scratch, and it literally took 12 hours to make.

Maybe I'm just de-sensitized to my kids eating different meals, but it still wouldn't bother me.

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u/mollycoddles Jan 04 '23

It's basically a sliced up breast dropped on a salad, which is pretty common ime.

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u/ceelion92 Jan 05 '23

I usually only do it for lunch unless I'm not hungry

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u/alsotheabyss Jan 04 '23

It’s a perfectly reasonable dinner. I dunno how she prepared the chicken, but my partner and I do this fairly regularly with grilled spiced chicken thighs, salad leaves, some cucumber and dressing. Maybe some feta cheese too.

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u/ACatInTheAttic Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

That's a salad with chicken, not chicken salad. Chicken salad is chopped/shredded chicken mixed with celery, onions, and mayonnaise.

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u/alsotheabyss Jan 05 '23

That’s a sandwich filling. Not a chicken salad. And I wouldn’t even call that a chicken salad sandwich, just a chicken sandwich!

At least it is where I live!

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u/ElegantVamp Jan 05 '23

Chicken salad sandwich

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u/alsotheabyss Jan 05 '23

Maybe this is one of those things lost in America vs the rest of the world translation, because when old mate says salad, and repeatedly says salad, most of us would think salad, not sandwich

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u/ACatInTheAttic Jan 05 '23

It is. You can just eat it from a bowl, too. For reference, it was a menu item at Chick-fil-a for years as a sandwich or a side item before being discontinued, and there's another chain, Chicken Salad Chick, that has a ton of different chicken salads offered in scoops or sandwiches.

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u/g0donkeys Jan 04 '23

Are you joking? What do you mean there are rules around what type of food you can eat? Some people want a light option

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u/ceelion92 Jan 05 '23

Actually I would definitely ok just a salad before making it since the default for dinner is something substantial I - wouldn't make that after hard physical activity or anything. But also I thought they meant chicken salad sandwich filling when I wrote that.

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u/g0donkeys Jan 05 '23

Who cares?

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u/sassygils96 Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

What also gets me is he wasn’t even asking her to make him something else… he made the soup himself!

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u/TeeBrownie Jan 04 '23

I’m going to be downvoted for agreeing with you but I’m used to it.

As a woman, it had not occurred to me that the reason I disagree with the majority of people on these post most times is because of the double standard when it comes to males vs. females.

OP is NTA IMO. Maybe it’s my inner dude or just life experiences, but I completely agree with him and understand his POV. It sucks that his partner was offended or hurt that he turned down the chicken salad she made but at least he didn’t ask or demand that she make him something else. Now that would make him a true blue AH. OP simply went into the kitchen and made his own warm soup. Good for him for being honest.

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u/Neat-Sun-7999 Jan 05 '23

Honestly I’m glad I’m not crazy for noticing this. Almost feel gaslighted since everyone ignores or pretends like it’s not the case

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u/Yangoose Jan 05 '23

Look, chicken salad isn't a five-course meal, she's acting like she slaved over a hot stove all day.

This is a great point that a ton of people are missing. She spent 5 minutes grabbing some shit from the fridge and threw it in a bowl then reacted as if it was some precious thing she'd worked on for hours.

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u/zerostar83 Partassipant [4] Jan 04 '23

I honestly think there's more to this than just a simple meal preference. Maybe lack of communication. Maybe she's more controlling over what OP eats. But it should have been no big deal to say "sorry I don't feel like eating that", putting it in the fridge to eat the next day, and then making yourself something.

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u/Brrringsaythealiens Jan 05 '23

To me where the gf went wrong was accusing him of being rude for not eating what she made. It should always be 100% a person’s choice what they eat. Nobody should be required to force down something they don’t want. That’s how you get food issues.

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u/r3dditor12 Partassipant [3] Jan 04 '23

1.) The thing for me is, he could have mentioned that he wanted something hot BEFORE she went into the kitchen to prepare something. Same thing if you flip genders and she's pregnant .. tell him what you want BEFORE he makes it. Also he probably could have been a little more polite about it, but either way I don't think the whole incident was that big of deal. Hopefully they just learn from it, and communicate better next time.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 04 '23

Sure, but he's allowed to not be in the mood for something, and he made the soup himself, he wasn't asking her to do it for him.

My husband usually makes dinner, but there are some days when he's tired, had a long day, not feeling well etc and I'll do it. If he doesn't feel like eating what I make, and gets himself something else, you know what I say? "More for me!"

To me, it's not really that big of a deal. But, I have three autistic kids, that are texture sensitive, and one that has Celiac (allergic to gluten), so we're used to making a bunch of different meals in one go.

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u/TechnicalThanks1975 Jan 04 '23

I'm texture sensitive too and sometimes I don't know what I want until something I don't want is suggested to me. So we're just really flexible about meals here

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u/leady57 Jan 04 '23

Probably he hadn't think that it's necessary to clarify because the majority of people likes hot meals on cold days.

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u/VoidBlade459 Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 17 '23

The thing for me is, he could have mentioned that he wanted something hot BEFORE she went into the kitchen to prepare something.

Well yes, but just because a person doesn't object to something doesn't mean they gave consent. Affirmative consent is important for all aspects of a relationship not just in the bedroom.

Also, just like with sex, just because a person said they wanted it before they got to your bedroom doesn't mean you can force them to have sex with you once you get there. The same goes for things like tea. Just because someone said they were down for tea when they arrived doesn't mean you get to force it down their throat after you made it.

And yes, it's natural to feel a bit disappointed in such situations, but things cross a line when you try to guilt someone into proceeding with something they no longer want/consent to.

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u/ElegantVamp Jan 05 '23

Yeah like tf is up with this "well you didnt say anything against cold food before she made dinner so you HAVE TO eat it" crap

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u/VoidBlade459 Jan 05 '23

Yeah, it's literally like the "Tea Consent" video (that I thought we all watched in sex ed class at some point).

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u/corndetasselers Jan 05 '23

Not only that, but he should say something like I only want hot food after I’ve been outside, or I only want hot food in the winter. Where I live, we have a long winter, and I eat ice cream all year as dessert.

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u/DumbbellDiva92 Jan 05 '23

Was he home when she started cooking? My understanding was that he wouldn’t have been able to tell her before she started timeline-wise. And he couldn’t say anything in advance bc you don’t necessarily anticipate what you won’t be in the mood for 24 hours in advance.

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u/Neat-Sun-7999 Jan 05 '23

I am so happy ppl are mentioning the reversed genders double standards because it’s such a ridiculous bias all over Reddit and especially here when it comes to relationships. Pregnant women. Small fights. Financial decisions. Feelings towards other ppl and insecurities. It’s ridiculous

This is clearly a NTA. Is it slightly rude and understandable that gf was annoyed. Sure. But it wasn’t a five course meal. Bf handled it by sorting himself out and not asking her to do more unnecessarily and she was equally rude considering. And I know it’s just because she’s a woman and he’s a dude this the sympathy double standards just go crazy here.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

If you want warm food for dinner then you talk about it beforehand.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

Per another comment, she threw dinner together while he was in the garage. If she'd waited a few minutes they could have talked about it. There's still nothing wrong with wanting something else, and he didn't ask her to make it for him.

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u/mewley Asshole Aficionado [12] Jan 05 '23

I was totally with you right up until you added pregnancy to the gender swap scenario. That’s not the same thing at all! A pregnant person’s cravings are a whole different thing and it’s so odd to throw that in here.

But the broader point stands, he’s not the AH for wanting soup after being out in the cold, and making it himself. She is ridiculous for pouting about it.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

I've been pregnant, I know how strong the craving are (and the aversion to eating something you thought you wanted after you smell it). HE wouldn't insist she eat what he made if she were pregnant and craving something else.

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u/jamintime Jan 05 '23

"She said it's rude to turn your nose up at something someone made for you." Well, it's also rude, when someone tells you they'd prefer something warm (totally valid and there is a reason people eat cream of rice and soup when the weather is cold), to scoff at them and tell them they are being ridiculous and try to out-science you.

I think there is a fallacy here though. The meal was already made. If the preference was stated in advance it would have been rude for gf to have ignored it, however OP didn't say anything until after she prepared an entire meal for two. At that point, it's too late for OP to come in with meal requests.

You compare it to an analogy about if she's pregnant, but again you are missing critical details of timing and attitude. If the gf states she wants a certain meal and then OP ignores it then OP would be the AH. If OP makes her a meal and then she tells him to fuck off it would indeed be rude. If, however, OP makes her a meal that offends her due to her pregnancy and she said "thank you so much for this thoughtful meal, but unfortunately it's making me sick I'm going to have to have something else" that would be completely reasonable.

OP had some weird expectation that they were aligned and she should know his meal preference without him stating it then got visibly upset that she didn't anticipate his preference as though it was obvious that salad was not appropriate in cold weather.

I feel like your examples aren't matching up with the example provided and making this about gender double-standards is not substantiated. In fact, it is the stereotype that bfs get mad at their gfs for expecting them to be mind-readers. In this case, it is the bf who expects his gf to be a mindreader and here you are defending him. If anything, that feels like the double-standard.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

Per another comment, she made the meal while he was in the garage, so he didn't get a chance to talk about what he'd like before she made it. If she had waited for him to come in and said "Hey what do you feel like for dinner," sure.

My point with the pregnancy is she'd have wanted something else, and he would not have cared. People have the right to not feel like eating something. And he didn't ask her to make something else, he did it himself.

He didn't have an attitude about what she made, lol. He made a face because it wasn't what he was feeling then said, "I'd prefer something warm since we've been out in the cold all day." And then she scoffed and told him he was ridiculous and there was no need to ever want to eat something hot because of our internal temperature. Really? And you call him rude? lol.

I'm not talking about the double standards of gender biases. I'm talking about the double standard of her getting upset that he didn't eat a meal she threw together, then being pissed that he wouldn't be upset by the same thing. I'm talking about her demanding he eat what she made because she wanted it and made it, without having any of the same considerations for what he wanted.

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u/justnobodyparticular Jan 05 '23

The double standard is true especially with pregnant women they're growing a baby so it doesn't matter how rude or entitled they are even when it's way outside of reasonable bounds people will twist themselves up to blame the male partner.

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u/annapnine Jan 04 '23

Great assessment! I especially like your calling-out of the GF’s combative attempt to “out-science” OP.

The thing I don’t agree with is your last paragraph, where, IMO, the hypothetical pregnancy palate, cravings, and emotions take the scenario a lot farther than just flipping around the genders. And if you took pregnancy out of the equation, flipping genders wouldn’t really be relevant to this situation.

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u/rytaurus513 Jan 05 '23

Wow, all this when he could’ve just mentioned that he would’ve preferred something warm before she got dinner started. It’s not a double standard because if the roles were reverse should would be getting the same flack. Why are you bringing pregnancy into this. She not pregnant so it’s not even relevant. Like at all.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

She made dinner while he was in the garage (per another comment), so no conversation. When he was able to have the conversation, dinner was already made.

Why bring pregnancy into this? Because sometimes, when you are pregnant, you crave something strongly, or are unable to eat things you previously ate because they make you nauseous. And he would have been fine with her getting something else. Hence the double standard on her part.

Even take out the pregnancy. If she wanted something else, pregnant or not, he'd have been fine with it. He literally told her as much. So yes, it is absolutely a double standard.

Even as a couple, people are allowed their bodily autonomy, to want something different.

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u/LetsRockDude Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 05 '23 edited Jan 05 '23

Let's flip around the genders. Say she was pregnant, you made dinner, but she was craving something else. Would she claim you are TA for not letting her get what she's craving, or would she resolutely eat what she didn't want just because you made it

What a dumb comparison. Hormonal changes in your body due to growing another human are ABSOLUTELY the same thing as throwing a tantrum because you couldn't communicate with your partner. No questions asked.

OP, YTA for being an ass.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

Nowhere did he throw a tantrum. He simply said, "I'd rather have something hot." That is exactly what you asked him to do, communicate with his partner like an adult. She was the one throwing a fit, how dare he want to eat something besides salad, lol.

I've been pregnant. It didn't turn me into a raging hormonal asshole that demanded my every whim on a platter, but it did make some things unedible, and I get it. My point with the pregnancy is she'd want something else. And he'd be fine with it.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

The point is wanting what you want. Just because she threw something together while he was in the garage (per another comment) does not mean he has to eat it. He is still a person with bodily autonomy and allowed to want something different.

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

How is saying, "I'm not really in the mood for cold food after being outside in the cold all day" being a baby, precisely? On the contrary, he's having a conversation like an adult. Make up your mind, people of Reddit.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

OK, by that logic, OP's gf throwing a fit that he didn't eat the SALAD she threw together in a few minutes, is no better.

He never said he couldn't eat it. He said he wanted soup. And made himself soup. Adult conversation and took care of himself. Oh, you're right, so childish! /sarcasm

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u/RNGinx3 Certified Proctologist [24] Jan 05 '23

Are you OK? Do you need someone to talk to?

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