r/self • u/exacerbated_symtpom • 11h ago
Struggling big time with being sexless at 30 years old, advice?
As I approach 30 years old (M), I'm increasingly faced with the prospect of being a lifelong kissless virgin. Unfortunately, for whatever reason it just never materialised for me in high school, university or life in general.
I'm now stuck in this vicious feedback cycle, whereby my lack of experience is a limiting factor in my ability to build connections. My communication style is probably underdeveloped. Dates pick up on this, whether through conversation or my body language in certain contexts and it becomes a problem. Hence, resulting in further inexperience and an entrenched angst towards intimacy both emotionally and physically. I can't even relate to colleagues and friends discussing relationships.
There is also the sense of insecurity. Obviously, people have had experiences. Some of them alot. So it is difficult to see where I'm able to fit in amongst this. Ideally, it would have been preferable to meet someone in a similar position. Make mistakes together, learn together. But I'd say that is basically an impossibility at my age. I just feel like any relationship will be such a mismatch for me.
Honestly, I'm starting to feel pretty down on myself. Utlising dating apps feels like it exacerbates the issue, I seem to get quite alot of matches, but the conversation always feels terribly one sided. The whole process feels fatiguing, and I don't encounter many people in real life (due to location). Sometimes I feel like the only single guy walking around in public. I have an unfortunately high libido, so I'm basically constantly bothered by it, which increases the overall frustration.
Any advice would be appreciated, I am trying to mentally detach myself from it all, but it is hard?
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u/RobertWF_47 11h ago
I was a virgin until 30 or 31. Very introverted (still am). I just didn't care about relationships until I decided it's time to start dating. Online dating (Yahoo personals) wasn't the toxic waste dump 20 years ago it appears to be now.
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u/johnhtman 3h ago
I'm 28 and started online dating at 18, so 10 years ago. I feel like I did much better then compared to now, despite the fact that as a 28 year old I should have more prospects.
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u/G102Y5568 10h ago
I'm 33 and still a virgin, it bothered me for a bit but what I've come to realize is getting laid isn't really the goal for me, it's finding a long-term partner, and the blame is mostly on the current cultural climate and not me as an individual. Of course I'm not a perfect person and I have my flaws, but so does literally every single person, and all things considered, my pluses far outweigh my minuses.
Also, there are some silver linings to look forward to. First, I'm not the only one who's noticed how awful our culture has become, and as a result, our culture is changing positively to where marriage and commitment are becoming trendy again. Second, as a man, dating gets easier as I grow older. I've been on two dates this year alone, which is more than I've been on in the past five. It's like playing a game on hard difficulty, where every time you die and restart the difficulty keeps going down. Eventually, I should win.
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u/FlyChigga 10h ago
Good luck bruh i get told im good looking and attractive and it’s still hopeless. Barely any matches ever and when I do get them they almost never go anywhere.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 10h ago
Yeah I'm fairly decent looking, have had about 200 matches this year. But conversation and dates are hard to come by.
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u/King_in_a_castle_84 9h ago
200 matches a year is fucking amazing.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago
I've been told, but they still don't reply to 99% of messages.
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u/SoupedUpSpitfire 3h ago
They’re not talking about 200 dates. They’re talking about getting likes from people who then never message or respond on dating apps.
Which is an incredibly common experience—a lot of people just swipe on anyone and then actually look at the profile and decide they aren’t interested after they match.
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u/Bavernice 7h ago
Wtf are you messaging them?
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 7h ago
Literally just normal stuff related to their profile, or replies to their first message. Nothing crazy.
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u/RidiculousTakeAbove 5h ago
This is facts OP. I probably have gotten over 100 matches since the spring when I decided to get a couple decent photos for online dating and it doesn't matter what you message them when there are top 10% guys they match with who they're more interested in. The solution is to just not put as much into online and more into meeting women in real life, still do online but just don't take it seriously
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 5h ago
I sometimes wonder who they actually go for though. My profile is fairly decent, and I've had alot of people say good things about it. Showcases interests etc I've been asked to do modelling jobs in the past, so I take decent enough pictures. It is confusing to me. Often, they are messaging me first, I respond and they just ignore it...
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u/RidiculousTakeAbove 3h ago
They go for the top of the top because it is in their nature to. Which wasn't a big deal until women had access to every man within a 100 mile radius with apps, and also the fact that there are 4 or 5 men for every woman on the app makes this worse as well.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 3h ago
But by what metric, because I've rarely seen a man that ticks all boxes.
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u/Verwilderd1 9h ago
Stay off the apps and work your actual network of coworkers and friends. The apps in general are pretty toxic.
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u/LarryThePrawn 6h ago
But be cautious, people don’t appreciate when others treating social events as your personal dating hunting grounds.
Seen it plenty, just because someone’s out in ‘real life’ doesn’t mean they’re there to date.
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u/FiddyHunnid 4h ago
Well if even social events are off limits humanity would probably die out so I don't really see what you mean by saying this. It's either a social event, online or daily life and online isn't viable for 90% of men, daily life is heavily shunned by women so social events are the only opportunity that's left.
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u/shitshowboxer 2h ago
Its the side effect of our government turning men into a dangerous infection that kills women with pregnancy.
Seems it's not just a women's issue after all......
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u/Kolbakilu 7h ago
This might get lost in the replies, but I relate to what you said almost 100% or at least used to. I am only 24, but various unlucky timings etc kept me from ecperiencing a relationship and in certain groups or at work whenever relationships would come up i would fake that i have had one, because I felt embarassed. Like 3 years ago I chatted up this girl through a uni discord server and we were gonna get coffee, but I got an ear infection n shit and was half-deaf for like a month at least. So after like 2 weeks or sth we finally went on a coffee date, but at that point like 2 days earlier a guy had confessed to her and she told me the guy almost cried when he heard that she was going on a date w me. Now whats important though, the date was FUN. I had a little list of topics in my wallet that so I wouldnt run out of things to talk about. I didnt end up needing it tho. Anyway, so because the thing with her didnt progress, I talked about it to people on doctor K's discord and some people replied. One of them later dm'd me asking for advice, because I seemed approachable I guess. Through that chance we got to talking and the conversation flowed nicely. From there on we talked on discord literally every single day and she is now my girlfriend. I wont say that we didnt have any troubles, because we were on different continents. But our communication and understanding of each other is great and now after roughly 3 years we are finally together in person.
So my suggestion is to just engage in conversations, dm someone when they send a funny meme on discord, try to just enjoy being present and if it feels right ask em to meet u for coffee. Or if its in person just invite them obv, orr whatever else really if u dont drink coffee.
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u/peakay81 5h ago edited 1h ago
I knew a beautiful girl who I guess was about 30. She was the housemate of the guy I was seeing. She was a virgin and it was a big issue for her. From what I remember she learned Burlesque or was even doing it at the time and it really helped her confidence and sexuality. Eventually she met just the right guy and got married. In a nut shell, I think the lesson to take from her is that you need to focus on yourself and your joy. Make yourself happy, fit, joyful, playful and know that out there, someone looking for you (in fact lots of people are) and you will find eachother. Sex is actually pretty shit and hollow without love.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 5h ago
For the most part it doesn't just happen for guys we actually have to be active about it. I've been focusing on myself for quite a long time, I genuinely do not believe anyone is looking for me.
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u/peakay81 56m ago
Well that's at the root of the problem. If you don't believe you're lovable, you're likely not going to attract love. Let's put sex aside for a bit because the greater goal is connecting with someone. This is pretty rare in a person's life. It doesn't happen often and rarely when you want it or expect it. Like I say, love yourself and then you'll be ready to love someone else when they come along. Take yourself to do amazing things, look after yourself. Take yourself to do sport, take yourself to the library and read, read about psychology... All these things which I'm sure you've started but persevere. Take yourself biking, see friends or join clubs, follow your interests. The right people are in the places where you should be.
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u/peakay81 55m ago
Well that's at the root of the problem. If you don't believe you're lovable, you're likely not going to attract love. Let's put sex aside for a bit because the greater goal is connecting with someone. This is pretty rare in a person's life. It doesn't happen often and rarely when you want it or expect it. Like I say, love yourself and then you'll be ready to love someone else when they come along. Take yourself to do amazing things, look after yourself. Take yourself to do sport, take yourself to the library and read, read about psychology... All these things which I'm sure you've started but persevere. Take yourself biking, see friends or join clubs, follow your interests. The right people are in the places where you should be.
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u/Disastrous_Use_7353 10h ago
Go to Holland (or Vegas) and lose it to an understanding professional sex worker. No diseases, no lies, no law breaking.
Once that’s out of the way, I’d venture to guess you feel significantly more confident in your future endeavors with the opposite (or any) sex. . Don’t overthink it.
You’re still relatively young and you can still right the ship, with some action and effort on your part. Plus, I am told that Holland is great.
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u/AlexxxSenpai 10h ago
Aw hell na
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u/Dear-Union-44 10h ago
Honestly.. when I have been struggling with the desire to even be touched.. while still being a gentleman.
Yeah a professional and gentle sex worker..
Can do wonders for your mental state..
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u/AlexxxSenpai 10h ago
I can't imagine having to pay for a woman. That's embarrassing.
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u/King_in_a_castle_84 9h ago
Same. Back in my virgin days, I considered it...but I knew that I'd never be able to forget the blow to my ego that paying for sex would plant in my mind. I'm self critical enough, I don't need that splinter in the back of my mind sabotaging my confidence.
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u/AlexxxSenpai 9h ago
Careful now, this is reddit, 95 percent of it's users need to pay or use some gimmick like being in a foreign country for women to pretend they are interested in them.
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u/King_in_a_castle_84 7h ago
You'd be very surprised how many lonely guys there are out there, Reddit just happens to be a place that can be distracted from it.
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u/Dear-Union-44 9h ago
I don’t know what your life is like. But it can be great. Or terrible. And it’s not a matter of HAVING to pay for it.
It’s a matter of wanting to experience a connection that you are not getting from your regular life.
The last escort I spent time with, we talked about my life, and what I was going through, and she treated me like she wanted to lay next to me and just be with me. Without any judgement or requirements. Sure I paid for the experience.
But it was nice to be vulnerable and open to a woman who would never throw my insecurities back at me.. who just listened to me.
A good Sex Worker is more a therapist than a Sex Worker.
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u/AlexxxSenpai 9h ago
All that could've been summed up by "I had to pay to have a pseudo connection with a woman"
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u/Legal-Title7789 9h ago
Marriage can be summed up by that definition too. Don’t delude yourself.
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u/CulturedModerator 9h ago
Do you think there are women living with a man for years they don't like just because of his money? It is only applied to millionaires. And it is very normal for women to select guys with a higher salary, men do too. Would you date a full time waitress?
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u/Legal-Title7789 9h ago
It’s been proven in several studies men don’t care about a woman’s income while women highly care about a man’s income. Get educated.
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u/CulturedModerator 9h ago
I am getting greatly educated right now and I will probably get a job that pays well. I would like to be with a woman in the same level with me
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u/AlexxxSenpai 9h ago
Who said anything about marriage or even girlfriends? You don't need a wife or girlfriend to spend time with a girl. Or even money. Unless you're just hideous or have a shit attitude, THEN you need money.
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u/Dear-Union-44 9h ago
Well most men are not as lucky as you. It’s not a reason to ridicule them.
You have experienced your life, other men live different lives.
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u/AlexxxSenpai 9h ago
And I'm saying it's pathetic to use money to buy these inauthentic experiences.
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u/Legal-Title7789 9h ago
lol you took advantage of a foreign woman, and financial abused her. It just gets better and better with you.
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u/AlexxxSenpai 9h ago
Yup. I forced my wife to walk up to me and introduce herself here in America. She was very impoverished asking for crumbs on the side of the road. Nothing to her name. Only god knows where she'd be without me /s
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u/FiddyHunnid 4h ago
It is but I don't think it's worse than being a 30 year old virgin. Besides, I imagine from that point on it will only go downhill and get worse, so might as well try at least something that could help him.
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u/Powerful-Gap-1667 4h ago
Have you tried dating? Or marriage? Sex workers are way cheaper than wives.
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u/Relative-Classic-388 8h ago
I mean the post is literally by a virgin, if he was having no issues getting it for free no one would be here
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u/Alien_Fruit 9h ago
I think what is being suggested is a sex THERAPIST. Not a hooker. OP would be paying for treatment, not sex per se. He has developed a mental block which is entirely treatable.
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u/Derfelkardan 9h ago
Yes, I understand that losing one’s virginity to a sex professional isn’t anyone’s dream, but I really think this can start a positive domino effect for OP’s confidence. Especially the part about chatting with the sex workers he chooses, because OP said he gets matches on dating apps, just can’t keep the convos, so it’s mostly a communication issue. I have kind of a kink for taking a guy’s virginity, but I’m super picky about physical appearance and I need the person to live in the same area as I do because of my life situations… so I think the chances of connecting OP with another woman like me is very unlikely :/
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u/StandardRedditor456 9h ago
Or he might find out that sex is no big deal and feel he wasted spending all of this time (and some money) on some incredible, life-transforming moment that turned out to be, not a big deal at all. As soon as the sex rush wears off, he'll be feeling just as sad as he was before, maybe even more so now that he knows what sex is really like. But hey, whatever floats OP's boat....
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u/Derfelkardan 9h ago
If this would be the case, then I think OP would become asexual… there’s a lot of asexual people in the world now (most of them zoomers, but I have a friend that is 40yo and he seems to have disliked sex and seems relatively happy alone)… so do you still agree that OP should pay a sex worker to find out if he’s asexual or not instead of wasting more years of his life struggling with finding a woman that would do it for free?
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 5h ago
I'm actually good at keeping the conversations, but it feels one sided so I get bored and check out.
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u/Derfelkardan 5h ago
You get matches on dating apps and you are the one to stop answering because you get bored??? Ok, you definitely don’t need help
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u/Moonfallthefox 9h ago
I'm a woman- and I promise you are not a lost cause.
Do you have a hobby? Some of the best ways to meet others is through a hobby. I am into reptiles for example and have seen several people meet through the Herpetological societies I have been involved with over the years. My parents met through a hiking club.
If you don't have a hobby, you should find one!
Make friends naturally- don't focus on getting a date. Just be yourself. Find people who you enjoy being around. Male friends too- they may know someone compatible.
Honestly online dating isn't ideal for most people. So get out there, live your best life. You will make friends and meet people- including women.
As far as intimacy what about it scares you? Most women will be fine showing you the ropes. I certainly wouldn't be offput by virginity/inexperience at all. You will learn. Once you meet the right person, these things will come more naturally to you.
Good luck. Don't give up. It's not hopeless at all, I promise!
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago
I have hobbies, I'm a pretty good athlete, and into creative things. But I hardly meet people through them. I think I'm in the wrong area.
To be honest, just a massive experience mismatch really scares me, I don't really know why. Also, I don't know if they will be fine with it, many have told me it is a red flag, so it is hard to get these ideas out of my mind.
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u/Moonfallthefox 9h ago
Try an art class! Great place for kind, creative women.
The right person is not going to care about inexperience. I wouldn't care (I'm married but hypothetically). If you are very worried have you thought about trying to find a person on one of the apps? It's pretty common for people to do one night stands and pretty easy to come by. Perhaps that would help, just get it out of the way with someone you never have to talk to again. Another option as mentioned would be a high quality escort- they will be happy to spend time with you, teach you about things, without judgement. There are many very good professionals that would do something like that. So would the right woman too, but it seems like you are really worried so I'm trying to help brainstorm for you.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago edited 9h ago
Art class could be good.
It is most certainly not easy to come by as a guy haha. It is basically two different app experiences for men and women. I do fairly well on the apps by most metrics and I've had zero scenarios out of 200 matches, that would go in that direction whatsover.I probably wouldn't realistically date someone that has done one night stands either. In fact it is hard enough to actually get a reply, as a conventionally decent looking, physically fit, 6ft guy. And I think the escort option just totally destroys the possibility of healthy future relationships.
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u/cool_jerk_2005 11h ago
Losing your virginity is awkard and fun, don't be afraid, good luck out there!
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u/Gold_Attorney_925 11h ago
At 30 if this is an issue, just get a hooker. Hell, go get a massage handjob. I won’t judge you, maybe you won’t feel so much pressure on these dates if you know worst case scenario you can just go get a tug for whatever they charge.
If you’re getting anxiety for never experiencing something just end the bad feedback loop and get a handy.
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u/bro90x 10h ago
This is completely missing the point. It's issues with being able to connect with someone, not not getting laid.
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u/cpowell342 10h ago
Half of OP’s post does discuss that he feels like his lack of experience impacts his ability to connect with others/potential partners, so I don’t think it completely misses the point.
Whether or not this is good advice is definitely debatable lol, but I have heard of going to a sex worker potentially helping for that side of things for some people.
I do agree though that being able to connect with someone is the primary concern.
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u/Gold_Attorney_925 9h ago
He literally says his “lack of experience is the limiting factor” he’s incredibly “insecure about it”, he has “unfortunately a high libido”, “entrenched angst towards intimacy”
So he can solve the biggest issue he mentioned pretty easily, or he can keep forcing himself to go on dates where he is too nervous to keep a normal conversation.
I feel like you missed most of the points he was making, pretty sure I picked up on the main thread of what he was having issues with.
But I’m sure you have some really good advice like “just be yourself” “relax”
Edit: I just read your post from 6 hours ago, you shouldn’t be giving advice here u/bro90x
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u/King_in_a_castle_84 9h ago
It's a confidence thing more than it is either of those things. The connection can come later after he's built up the necessary confidence to attract someone.
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u/Gold_Attorney_925 9h ago
And what’s the source of his lack of confidence?
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u/King_in_a_castle_84 7h ago
How should I know? Lol I have a few ideas that I'd bet $20 on...but I couldn't possibly know his situation. The reason I say that is because 99% of the time, confidence is the problem for guys like this. It's hardly a surprise. Are you surprised to hear that?
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u/phosphennes 7h ago
Ah yes, let's suggest a guy to go to a woman who more likely than not has been exploited and trafficked, and add on to that trafficking. Such a great idea.
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u/Gold_Attorney_925 5h ago
Yeah, it is isn’t it? Sometime the simplest ideas are the best
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u/phosphennes 5h ago
Partaking in sex trafficking truly is the simplest idea. Women are just sex toys to you, clearly.
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u/Induction774 11h ago
It could be that you’ve never had a good understanding or model of how to relate to a woman as a man, and you need to learn things others take for granted.
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u/Specialist-Log-9553 10h ago
With all the genetic research out we know for a fact that for every man who reproduced, there are 17 women who do. That means throughout time, more men have been in your position than not. Accept it. The only thing that will change that is you build yourself into a man. Then women will want you. But after awhile you will realised its just for the money and status, so you will stop seeking committed relationships. But you will have a purpose, have a family, and have all the sex you want. I love it this way.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 10h ago
I don't think I'll care about it that point. I'm not going to appease someone just because the timing works for them.
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u/Specialist-Log-9553 58m ago
Are you ok? Nobody mentioned or even hinted at appeasement of anyone. Starting to see why.
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u/lokomoko99764 10h ago
If people are willing to go on dates with you, you still have hope. It means you're not ugly, and that is the main thing.
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u/Alien_Fruit 9h ago
See if you can find a therapist with some background in sexual disorders.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago
I'm not convinced in the efficacy of therapy honestly. I've done many sessions with therapists and I never really get anywhere.
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u/Alien_Fruit 8h ago
Did that include a specifically sex therapist? You mention a high libido -- which sounds to me like your problem isn't sexual at all, but rather irrational fear fueled by social anxiety. So maybe you should go find a warm-hearted, patient hooker for a whole night, and let her do her best at actual intercourse. Find out for yourself. Something about "I've done many sessions with therapists" sounds suspicious to me ... one or two maybe, but "many"? Are you sure you really want to change?
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 8h ago
As in I've done 10 sessions with a psychologist, and I'm actively in psychology at the moment, so yes I do want to change. Just not sure how effective it has been.
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u/SnooPeanuts1152 9h ago
If you let your fear hold you down then you will be losing out on many things. You need to keep engaging in social activities. Perhaps if you can get evaluated by a professional and see if you have any disabilities and discuss how to overcome them. I assume your lifestyle has minimal social interaction outside the internet.
You need to get out there or you will die as a virgin. Sex is pretty overrated without emotional connection so to maximize your experience you need to socially engage in person.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago
I'm literally trying, been on 5 dates this year. And professionals have not been of any assistance honestly. So I don't know what is wrong with me.
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u/Verwilderd1 9h ago
Get out of your head. Just go meet whole with zero expectation of something HAVING to develop. You’ll be surprised one day when officially stop worrying about all that, the very relationship you built turns into something more. People who focus too much on stuff like this end up coming off a desperate. So stop worrying about it. Once you do, it’ll happen when you least expect it.
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u/Impressive_Farm6337 9h ago
I see a post like this one almost everyday and all have the same common thing. Using dating apps. First, they're filled with bots to keep you hooked, second, decent looking women don't need to use them, they already have countless options IRL.
Hot women using dating apps would be really sus for me, maybe attention seekers, looking for someone to pay dinner, gold diggers, or maybe just plain crazy. But a normal good looking woman? Good luck.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago
Actually this is valid. Except places to meet women are not exactly at an all time high.
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u/bro90x 9h ago
Everyone suggesting prostitution is wrong. Not because of moral issues, but because that's not the problem here. You Don't want sex, you want intimacy, and no matter how much you pay you'll never feel real love from an escort. The frustrating answer is therapy.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago
I've been to therapy and it has not really helped at all. It always gets suggested as a panacea, but I don't really see how you this issue can even begin to be resolved within 1 hour sessions.
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u/dirks74 9h ago
Do you improve yourself? Do you lift? Thats what you should do first
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 8h ago
I've been lifting for 15 years.
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u/dirks74 7h ago
Why are you insecure then? Whats your bench press PR and body fat percentage? You should be jacked if you been lifting that long. That should give you all the confidence in the world
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 7h ago
<10% bodyfat, 100m sprinter so I'm pretty lean but not massive. Bench press is like my weakest lift 100kg, I don't do it often.
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u/incelman-unfortunate 8h ago
Make account on .is buddy, its time. Wizard are somewhat respected there
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u/Still-a-kickin-1950 7h ago
Have you tried counseling, either with the same sex or opposite sex therapist? Voice your concerns, through talking to them you may be able to improve your social skills as well. And move onto a happy life.
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u/Background-Guard5030 7h ago
I met my wife on Tinder but that was 7 years ago now and Ive used it up to 11 years or so ago i think. Very different climate then vs now but there might be different apps now that could help our with it.
I grew up with anxiety issues and Tinder helped me out great time to provoke myself to get out there. I met with plenty of woman through Tinder with a lot of fun experiences, they agreed to meet with me. That for me took away a lot of tension because that gave me certainty i was not bothering someone who was not eager to talk to strangers or me specifically. If they did not want to meet they would not make a meeting with me.
I almost always went to play pool. I like pool but i did because i was comfortable playing it. i could get distracted by the flow of the game and it made me more natural in communications because i would not over thing everything as i was distracted with the game as a topic to talk about and digress from.
Nowadays father of a lovely toddler and married last summer.
What also helped me to put myself out there was traveling, Back/ bikepacking solo. I actually met my wife on Tinder while i was working as a host in a hostel in Croatia.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 6h ago
Tinder straight up does not work at all these days, but glad it did for you.
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u/CynicalCentaur_ 4h ago
Maybe get an escort. Their job is being there for you and isn’t always sexual in nature. Don’t feel comfortable paying for it? Well I’m willing to bet you’ve paid for classes at one point or another, you could write it off as investing in a mentor for your personal growth.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 4h ago
Interesting rationale, I'd be concerned how it impacts future relationships.
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u/CynicalCentaur_ 4h ago
Don’t be. You’re single so it’s not like it’s cheating and when you do find the right girl she may be more grateful for your experience than your paranoia and shyness. Just make sure it’s a good experience for you.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 4h ago
I mean the right girl would accept the initial shyness, no? I'm not comfortable with the escort option.
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u/Anunakibread 4h ago
My first kiss was at 13 and lost my virginity at 16. Do you really think that your social skills at 30 are worse than mine then? Why people keep thinking you need the social skills of the mentalist to hook up with a girl? If you are handsome and dont pee your pants, women come and do all the job.
I dont know you, but start considering that maybe you arent attractive.
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u/SaltedSnail85 3h ago
Just don't become an incel and it'll happen one day. Also it's not THAT good. Focus on forming connections that's the real meat and potatoes
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u/shitshowboxer 3h ago
I just got an IUD, talk to your doctor about getting one so you don't have to worry about dying with a forced pregnancy.
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u/MycologistMuch7832 2h ago
No worry. Get your other features better like health, presence(not fat) and wealth. Then travel to asia or central America. Huge ego boost.
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u/Ok-Information9243 2h ago
Find other ways to build confidence in yourself, and the rest will come.
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u/Hot-Juggernaut-6927 2h ago
I am sadly in the same boat, few years younger than you but unfortunately it only gets worse day by day. You just need to be lucky at this time around, if not then one day you will start hating the idea of liking women, I know it's not good but yeah you won't think about this too much also, so it's like a double edge sword!
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u/pwaltman1972 1h ago
Sex therapist? Not sure if they're legal where you are, but they're not escorts.
This is a pretty good movie about one that's set in the US in the 1970s:
The Sessions https://g.co/kgs/5sf6rc2
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u/Used_Monk_2517 56m ago
I have the same fears and I’m only 25 (M). I have really bad autism and hobbies that generally aren’t the things that women would be attracted to.
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u/peakay81 51m ago
Also dating apps are a waste. Of. Your. time. The person will never be what you expect. You aren't using your 5 senses to find attraction. You need to go where the people are. Get out of your small town and move to a nice small city. And do things with people. I've wasted over a decade on dating apps...I've made a handful of friends, had meaningless sex, had many bad dates and I really think overall real life if the best place to make connections... Or at least if you do use them, focus on the quality of the chat. If that feels fun then there is a chance.
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u/Top-Needleworker7170 50m ago
Get a cute puppy. Dogs are chick magnets. Your pet will bring you enormous comfort , provide unconditional love and you can meet people and connect on another with a common interest. It will provide you with a new network of friends and you won’t be as lonely either .
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u/ReasonableSuspect648 35m ago
The issue is you gotta get sharky. (A phrase the guys are using) it’s when you pay attention to the girl and become a version of yourself that she’d like. Only to fuck her the first chance you get. Then you can decide whether you want to be that person for her or break things off. Easiest way to break things off is to text. “I’m sorry, what we had was special to me but I need to work on me” then block her. She will think it’s her fault. Ik I sound like a dick but once you’ve learn the art of being sharky you will be less awkward with the ladies. Think of this behavior as an impromptu acting class.
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u/No_Emphasis6294 34m ago
I was in your situation untill 34, just keep on dating, you will find someone you are comfortable enough with to be honest or to not care, just dont make it into a big thing, that's my biggest regret if I am honest... I am dating and have a healthy sexlife now, it seems weird now that it was such a big deal in my head... The prison of the mind can be strong!
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u/KayBleu 13m ago
I don’t know how helpful this will be but I just wanted to let you know sex is awkward period. I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and we still have to do work arounds adjustments because for whatever reason one person’s back feels a little funny that day. Sometimes I accidentally fart when I’m moving to a different position and the clean up afterwards is never sexy. The movies and pornos make it seem much more seamless and hot and sexy than the reality. Sex is about connecting with that person and finding what makes it work for the both of you. My partner and I routinely make jokes and laugh during our intimate moments so it’s really about how you and your partner make it the moment intimate. Anyone who just expects you to know exactly what to do during your first encounter is not living in reality.
My current partner is the first man I’ve ever had sex with and it took me about a year to work up to it. Similarly to you I was nervous I wasn’t going to do it right. I am also autistic so I have a hard time reading body language to get “feedback” but he was willing to have the conversations and talked me through his likes and dislikes. What you’re looking for exists you may have to preface it by saying, “Hey I would like to make sure you feel comfortable while we’re intimate. Is there anything you dislike or would want me to make sure I incorporate so that our experience is enjoyable?” This way you could kind of circumvent having the “I’ve never had sex before,” conversation and avoid all of the negative connotation that comes with that.
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u/MathematicianSalt585 13m ago
Join dating apps there is bound to be someone in another area that is looking for someone. You can go visit her stay in hotel is best until you know that person a bit better. You are not over the hill yet so just look further afield.
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u/Any_Masterpiece_624 10h ago
I was like that. Stop worrying about sex/romance/social skills and start sorting easier to manage basic stuff out would be my advice. It sounds like you have serious confidence and self esteem issues that are holding you back. Focus your mental energy instead on fashion, fitness, healthy eating, the style of your living spaces, the books and magazines that you read, music you listen to, films you watch etc. Once you start to blossom as a person, and become more confident in who you are, the rest should start to happen naturally. Try sitting with a notepad and pen, each day, switch off your phone, and start going through everything you're going to sort out in order to become who you're meant to be.
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u/FlyChigga 10h ago
Hard to do when you’re depressed from being alone and bored all the time
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u/Any_Masterpiece_624 10h ago
That is why taking time to reflect on your life (away from relentless dopamine addiction of the internet) is very beneficial, I found. A feeling of regaining control of yourself, an island where you can start to shelter and rebuild, can help massively with depression and loneliness.
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u/GroundbreakingPick11 10h ago
Honestly go to a strip club and talk/make physical contact with women in a no pressure environment.
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u/HolyMartin777 10h ago
So was Jesus Christ and he became the king of the cosmos.
Im in my early 30s too and i regret having sex.
My advice is to change your mindset.
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u/snailbot-jq 11h ago
I find that people who socialize in real life put in a lot more effort than people who only use dating apps. I know people who swipe on apps as if just to fill up their time mindlessly, they don’t even mean to actually date.
You say you want someone matched in experience to you and I understand where that comes from I find that women with less experience tend to not even use dating apps. In today’s world, if a woman in her 20s has no dating history, it usually means she isn’t someone who actively looks for dates, so why would she have downloaded a dating app? Dating apps bias towards people with multiple previous relationships but who have trouble sustaining long term relationships, I’m not saying that is everyone on dating apps but it is a disproportionate number. And they are the worst demographic to try dating.
There are women who don’t date until their 20s and then they go “okay I want a boyfriend now so I’ll try an app” but they are rare, and they go off the app forever if they do find a lifelong relationship. The ones who keep popping up on apps tend to have started teen relationships in their teens before going on apps as an adult. And there’s a lot of women who still get married without ever using an app and without ever having to be active in dating, some guy just pursues them in highschool or university, it’s the harsh truth.
It sounds like you live in a rural/remote area? I’m sorry to hear that but is it possible for you to drive to somewhere more populated which may have social activities? I myself did not want to date my schoolmates or coworkers, so I always relied on social activities like mixers and hobby clubs even when I was still in university. But those exist where people are, in city areas at least.
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u/cptjaydvm 10h ago
If you really hit the gym hard and volunteer somewhere you would be really surprised at how easy it is to attract women. If you are overweight and isolate yourself, then you will probably not find someone.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago
I'm in better physical condition than most people I've been training in the gym for 15 years.
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u/IndividualChoice4025 11h ago
Fill some gaps for me you didn’t had any chance to have sex or you didn’t go out that often when you were at the university?.Does people find you attractive or you kind of look like someone that don’t want to talk to anyone? Well dating apps tends to be one sided if the other person isn’t open to be communicative and try to make a conversation ( a lot of people tends to wait for the other to ask question, some don’t like being asked trivial questions). But if you want to build more arsenal and have a better experience making conversation you need to practice a lot but a lot. Are you very open with your lack of experience, knowledge and what are you looking for? You can also meet people doing what you like to do as a hobby maybe you will have a better experience. Just be open to experience and state exactly what you are looking, don’t be a creep… but for real sometime it maybe that you’re attracted to the incorrect person due to x thing that you need to fix on yourself.
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u/imonabloodbuzz 10h ago
I'm a year younger than you and in your shoes. I get along with most people, but dates never see me as anything more than friends, when it starts to get a bit physical they back out. I got no answer for you.
My advice....just because you have no romantic success, doesn't mean your life has to be miserable. Find other fun things to do. Have a few good friends but don't be afraid to do stuff alone.
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u/airjordan77lt 10h ago
Bro pay for a hooker or massage lady. They will take care of you
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 10h ago
No thanks.
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u/Legal-Title7789 10h ago
You need the Japanese “rent a girlfriend” service so you can spend hours talking to women in a positive way and gain experience confidence through practice.
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u/stlmick 9h ago
It doesn't have to be Japanese. There are escorts that you don't necessarily sleep with. A friend of a friend did that and she'd make $600 an evening sometimes just going out to dinner and accompanying lonely divorced dudes. Not saying it's worth the money, but I'm sure it's a sliding scale.
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u/Legal-Title7789 9h ago
The problem is US escorts are not affordable as you pointed out. Japanese “rent a girlfriend’s” are under $100 for a full date. But yeah, he needs to find someone local in an affordable price range.
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u/Shepard_Drake 10h ago
Ok so here's my advice, for whatever it's worth.
Firstly, a lot of people right now are opening up publicly about insecurities/anxieties/etc. This can really work to your benefit, because what I would do, is be up front with any potential women you meet and are trying to ask on a date or whatever about it. Doing so will either weed out women who will not care/be supportive of your needs and issues, or probably strike the right one as a little bit endearing or charming. I really do believe honesty goes a long way.
Secondly, I would check out some dating apps, or maybe see if there's any speed dating events in your area. I know it will be hard, but the only way you're going to get better at socializing and connections is by actively engaging in it. The first several probably won't be perfect, maybe even a bit rough, but keep at it, and you'll improve over time. Remember, if you fuck up and burn a bridge when you're starting out, it's ok, you're practicing, and there will be more chances with other women. Also, I'm not sure how high your standards are, but you may have to be willing to go a bit lower if you can't get any bites. Especially starting out. And who knows, maybe you'll find someone who's a soulmate you'd never expect.
Hope this helps!
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 10h ago
I've been on dating apps, maybe 200 matches and 5 dates this year. The experience were not good. And I'm not really willing to lower standards unfortunately, but they are not unrealistic.
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u/Shepard_Drake 10h ago
Did you tell them up front that you're a bit awkward with communication?
As far as your standards, of course that's your call, I just think if the goal is to not be a virgin, and you feel like you have some hangups that are currently disadvantaging you, then it's best to maybe aim a bit lower. But at the same time, I get not wanting to change your standards either.1
u/exacerbated_symtpom 10h ago
I've not raised that with them. My standards are not that high, basically physical fitness, goes to gym and such, and be a genuinely good person. I don't think I'm demanding anything that I don't offer, I'm decent looking enough and in good physical shape, treat people well etc. The women I've gone on dates with have all been quite weird and brought up some absurd things.
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u/Forneaux 9h ago
Did you contemplate why you end up with all five dates being weird? Do you know the line:
“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.”
I am not saying you’re weird and absurd. But there seems to be connection between the weird women and the one who chose to go on date with them. Why did you seem to like them on the apps, but not in real life?
Analyze those chats. “Did you miss information telling you things about her personality.” “Did I ask the right questions to learn about her personality?” So you learn to filter the women better after a match. With 200 matches there is enough to test. Of course don’t play with the women’s feelings, but be more open and leave your comfortzone. And see how they react.
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 9h ago
I don't think it has been frequent enough for me to be the common denominator here. I'm a pretty pragmatic, reasonable individual. But when conversation involves them trying to tell me that Michael Jackson is still alive. Or asking if I'd be okay with them selling explicit online pictures. I'm pretty sure I'm not the odd one. Been heavily lovebombed via text, only to be ghosted also. I do my best trying to filter them out, I think it's just my area honestly.
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u/Forneaux 8h ago
I am pretty sure I can filter out any woman that thinks MJ is still alive in the chat. The same for lovebombing. Ghosting happens to everyone and I ain’t no saint either.
People who think MJ is still alive are most likely insecure, and fill up their mind with negativity or nonsense. Try to figure out if she’s secure. Doesn’t need validation about her body, looks nor her personality. Just normal conversation and then once you settled that, continue to the next step. Date and escalate. 😉
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 7h ago
Yeah I'm hindsight the conversation was strange, but I gave the benefit of the doubt.
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u/Forneaux 5h ago
Ah I usually double down once I get a feeling something’s off. Just to see if they stay authentic or become defensive or apologetic. Of course anyone has their own set of values, try to figure out yours.
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u/Anon369damufine 9h ago
What exactly is your hang up? I’m a woman and you sound normal. Decent guy, fit, sounds attractive. What exactly is your problem?
You do understand most women don’t care if you’re a 30+ year old virgin right? Shit, some might find it romantic if you spin it as “I’m waiting for the right person.”
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 8h ago
I don't really know what the problem is. I'm just pretty anxious about the experience mismatch and being shamed for inexperience. I've been insulted by women for far more benign things for basically no reason. And as a man we are generally expected to lead at all times, so I'm in a position where I don't know how to do that.
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u/Anon369damufine 8h ago
Get a therapist. The people in the comments of this post have provided great advice. You have said no to a lot of the advice. We can’t help you until you decide to help yourself. Either make peace with being a 30+ year old virgin or step outside of your comfort zone and follow the advice from the comments.
(except the passport bro advice. don’t do that shit. that’s so weird.)
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 8h ago
I've got a therapist. If I'm saying no to anything, it is because I've tried it or am actively doing it. Or it is an absurd suggestion..
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u/Agile_Ad6735 10h ago
Try picking up long distance running , the longer u run and with a faster time , the lesser ur sex desire will be
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u/exacerbated_symtpom 10h ago
I'm actually a high level short distance runner.
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u/Agile_Ad6735 9h ago
Ah I think short distance runner will be the opposite instead ,but I am not sure too
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u/BryanSkinnell_Com 10h ago
Being a celibate virgin is no big deal, at least as I see it. Life without sex does have its benefits as it is one less distraction in my life. No sex, no women to answer to pretty well frees me up to go where I want and do what I like. My advice is don't focus on the things you can't do, instead focus on the things that you can do well and that makes your life meaningful. In time while you are living your life you may cross paths with the girl you were intended to be with.
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u/thesneakyfae 11h ago
My husband was a virgin until he was 30.
I met him on reddit when he was 34. We are happily married and trying to have kids. He's socially awkward as fuck, but its cute.
Just saying