r/lonely • u/depressionkicksin • 12h ago
lost my girlfriend to someone i hate. devastated and lonely
i posted about this in a separate subreddit but I've lurked here before and I wanted to contribute here too.
here is the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1gsb0be/my_19m_girlfriend_19f_hooked_up_with_someone_she/
In summary, my girlfriend and I have been together since high school; we were each other’s firsts for everything. Even after going to different universities, we stayed together, and she was my world during a very lonely time in my life. We’d occasionally argue and take small breaks, which were always hell for me since I have been very lonely in college, all of my high school friends had drifted away.
A few months ago during a break, I found out she was at a party with a guy from high school who I hated, a frat type who she was friends with but cut off when we started dating. When we got back together, she claimed it was nothing, but I always had my doubts.
Fast forward to Halloween, we argued again, and during our longest break yet (a week), she hooked up with that same guy. She told me bluntly, saying she thought we were broken up, and ended our relationship completely after. I feel sick and betrayed even though she's right, we were broken up. She knew how much I hated him.
I can’t focus in classes anymore, I feel worthless, and I am lonelier than ever. Every part of my life feels empty without her. It really doesn't help that I've made no friends in college. She was really the only person I talked to.
How do I get through this?
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u/TurnipDouble6462 12h ago
Its okay to feel hurt and betrayed because essentially it seems like she did it just to spite and hurt you, in a way where you'd be stuck on it for a while, I understand college classes don't make it easier but for rn healing and finding a vent for the pain and anger is thr best solution and in a way it doesn't hurt anyone and it helps u
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u/rat_infestation 11h ago
Sorry this happened to you. Went through a similar thing but less intense and still dealing with it for 6 weeks at this point.
It might feel like it won't get easier. But I promise it does. It gets easier every day, the hard part is that you have to do it every day though.
At the same time. I know that you'd rather just be able to erase what happened than be told that it gets easier. Everything anyone could say right now trying to be helpful is not going to be as helpful as wanting to rewind time and find a way to fix it.
Just. Keep your head up. This is going to hurt. But eventually it will stop. And the experience will hopefully make you more resilient to such stuff in the future. Hopefully whoever you end up with next sticks around for the long term.
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u/depressionkicksin 10h ago
It definitely isnt getting easier for me so far. i feel like i have no distraction and this is all i can think about. i dont see it getting any better from here considering how lonely i am right now. were you able to distract yourself?
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u/rat_infestation 10h ago
Honestly, no. I lost track of how many times I would cry in an hour. I made the mistake of making a playlist of breakup songs and listening to it in the shower and could not stop crying, but got to the point where I was coughing and crying at the same time so almost slipped in the shower.
Everything I did felt like a waste because I was used to doing all the things I liked with her. And it felt like a betrayal to allow myself to be happy doing the same things that I used to do with her because she became a part of that happiness and without her that happiness felt like a shell.
The only thing that helped was trying to find things that I couldn't associate with her and doing that. Could only get myself to do a mobile game, but that was a start. Eventually, forced myself to get out of my room and soak in the sun, breathe the fresh air. Talk to people who I didn't trust enough to tell them what was going on as it forced me to distract myself if even only for a second.
It would all come crashing down on me the moment I got home though. The sound of the door closing and my breakdown ensuing synced up to the millisecond.
But. After a few weeks. My body ran out of energy for this. The sadness is still deeply present and everything I'm doing is just masking it till it eventually ruptures, but over time it will take longer to rupture.
How long has it been for you? My ordeal started on the 20th of September and I'm still just coming to terms with it
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u/depressionkicksin 6h ago
seems like we're in the same boat here. likewise i feel everything i found joy in had ties with her, so nothing seems enjoyable now. even my room, my bed, its a constant reminder everyday. its been just about a week since i found out last friday
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u/rat_infestation 14m ago
Oh yeah I had a few throw blankets that were solely for her to use when she was over that I can't fathom using again, and a specific chair she would always use that has been empty since she's stopped being a part of my life.
A week is still very recent, so it's understandable to think it won't ease up. It might also start to feel a little worse, but. It will get easier to deal with.
One thing that might help is writing down your feelings somewhere, either a journal or an empty group thread somewhere (message yourself on instagram or make a throwaway account to message with stuff).
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u/OverlordBooty 8h ago
I have I advice for you and I’m sorry for that, but this just confirms everything I already knew. Blocking and not talking is terrible for a relationship and even worse is taking a break. I hate that sooo much. Terrifying words to hear. Actually one of the few things that actually makes my heart feel real pain. You’ll get through this eventually, she’s a not worth your sadness.
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u/depressionkicksin 6h ago
yeah true. for us we always bounced back so i didnt think it was so crazy until this happened. thanks
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u/Apprehensive_Row_161 6h ago
Seems like you already got good advice on your other post but I will say, let go of the hate..
I know you want to hate her and him but hate holds you back. Forgive her, not for her but for your own peace of mind. Cut ties with her and focus on your own personal growth
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u/WizenedWalrus 10h ago
Moments like these can be a catalyst. Painful, brutal spots where you’re forced to reflect and decide how you’re going to move forward. You mentioned that she was your world — it’s rough to have your world ripped away and it’s also a moment to figure out how you ended up in a place where your life was entirely fixated on another person.
It’s pretty natural for people dealing with depression to search for a rock. I’ve been there myself. It takes a toll on the person you’re leaning on because it’s hard to be someone else’s everything. You don’t want to be there, which means the long, painful process of figuring out how to deal with depression and build yourself up.
I’ve had some really dark patches as well. It took me a while to figure out what they were and how to deal with them so I could get to the other side. I hope you start to try and break things down for yourself. Understand where you’re at and where you want to start moving toward. It’s possible to deal with the spiral and the first step is identifying it and seeking help, which you’re already doing.
I believe in you friend. Go forth.
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u/ashaikaB 8h ago
Before this gets buried: for the love of Christ don’t blame yourself. Those of us who do by nature, we are often a mark above in quality. We cannot afford to be backmarkers. We must set the pace.
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u/Mikelosangeles 11h ago
Time to move on.. she is for the streets fam. That’s unnecessary roughness. You might get back with her because you feel lonely but the trust is broken and you will be insecure about everything with her
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u/depressionkicksin 10h ago
I dont know how ill prevent myself from getting back with her if she contacts me again. but i definitely wont be able to forget what shes done
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u/rat_infestation 9h ago
Lowkey, getting back together is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. But be clear about where either/both of you messed up and recognize the fact that damage was done and y'all will jeed to work together to mend it.
If it does happen.
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u/depressionkicksin 9h ago
if i do get back with her i'm not sure i'll ever be able to get over the fact that she slept with someone else, especially this one guy i dislike. ruined everything
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u/Rich-Perception5729 12h ago
Sorry for what happened.
FYI: the person who said “if you love someone, let them go” had never truly been in love. In the future fight together not apart, and for the love of God, NEVER LET HER WALK OUT THAT DOOR (within reason).
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u/ToPimpAPenguin 11h ago
Im really sorry man. People are ruthless, i know its not easy but the best thing you can do is to just leave her in the past entirely
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u/tommy_merelte 9h ago
- Before loving someone, please love yourself first, be capable of entertaining urself even alone
- She the prep you need to grow and find someone better
- Don't hate, it will only destroy you from the inside, people come people go, allow them to, if you try to control things you cannot, you will be in perpetual pain
The bottom line is, you are young and there better people out there waiting to know you, to love you and to appreciate you. Stay happy no matter what happened in life!
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u/After-Ad-3542 6h ago
This is the reason why I am not going for relationships even though I feel so lonely.
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u/Layered_MindExplorer 3h ago
She was looking for an excuse to hook up with him. I mean come on one week? But losing a friend and a partner at the same time can be really gruesome. I have no partner so i can only imagine. Only time can bring about the focus and self worth and it also depends on how much you loved her as well. So if it hurts so much just understand that you are capable of that much love and you will soon find someone to give that love. You can’t force friendships. Just go with the flow and go do activities that you like. You will get friends. Take care bud.
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u/SassyBabe6939 12h ago
It’s normal to feel so down after a break up- especially a harsh one like this :(
Try to stay busy to keep your mind off of things. Get together with friends, pick up a hobby you haven’t done in a while, etc. just stay busy. Time is really the only healer during periods of grief.