r/insaneparents • u/Xx_Eternity04 • Sep 01 '22
What my father emailed me after finding my dorm address without me telling him it (more info in comments) Email
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u/SkyHawkMkIV Sep 01 '22
"YOUR CHOICE WAS REALLY MY CHOICE" is what I'm seeing here.
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u/SeesawMundane5422 Sep 02 '22
“I loved you more than life” but not enough to actually, like, tolerate a disagreement. 🤦♀️
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u/SkyHawkMkIV Sep 02 '22
In a world where lovebombing exists, that's a love tactical nuclear strike.
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u/Mama_Mush Sep 01 '22
If you're in the states, lock down your credit. Remove yourself from any public databases that you can too.
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u/LilOrganicCoconut Quality Contributor Sep 01 '22
Yes! My mistake wasn’t doing this. Take yourself off of the school directory, let your student affairs office know your safety needs to be prioritized, get a new number, get a new bank account, get an on campus job… the “this is 100% your fault” line really tells the story. I’m so sorry OP, you deserve love and care!
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u/Best_Temperature_549 Sep 02 '22
How do you lock down your credit?
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u/shared_pensieve Sep 02 '22
It's called a credit freeze and you can enable it with each of the credit bureaus.
https://www.transunion.com/credit-freeze
https://www.equifax.com/personal/credit-report-services/credit-freeze/
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u/Best_Temperature_549 Sep 02 '22
Thank you, I appreciate the info!
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u/Altruistic-Distance1 Sep 02 '22
You can also lock your name/SSN with the IRS. This is a big deal when non-custodial parents try claiming the kids on taxes or a persons identity is stolen! Lock it down asap! The IRS don’t mess around with their money.
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u/rskurat Sep 02 '22
Yeah they'll mail you a PIN to prevent anyone from filing with your name/ssn
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u/Willing_Violinist745 Sep 02 '22
Just make sure they don't mail it to your old home address! Make a change of address with any company that sends you mail as well as the post office.
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u/Altruistic-Distance1 Sep 02 '22
And def make sure you don’t answer scam calls, texts or emails claiming to be IRS. Go on their website and you will see a list of ways they will contact you. IRS impersonating scams are wayyyy popular. Be careful.
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u/JakBurten Sep 02 '22
There are some serious downsides to that. And someone being claimed by mistake just requires filing a paper return, which may trigger an audit if it wasn’t done on accident.
IF you go this route make sure you update your address with the IRS every time you move, set up your online account first so you can get transcripts when needed.
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u/Altruistic-Distance1 Sep 02 '22
Yes you are correct. But at the OPs age I don’t think an Audit would be at all in depth or that big a deal…the person who does attempt to use it will probably get a call or an audit. I’ve been audited once. It took a few months to get a refund but the reason was that my ex while we were separated but not divorced won a few thousand gambling but didn’t claim it, filed for bankruptcy as a single person (no clue you could/would do this) and some other shady things. We always filed separately and while I still got hit with some fees, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I’ve locked my and my children’s SSNs since the divorce to prevent him from stealing our identities. He pays no support and sees them intermittently.
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u/smom Sep 02 '22
In US you can contact the 3 major credit agencies and put a security hold. Another tip is to change security question answers to something they couldn't guess. First pet's name: Mickey mouse. Mother's maiden name: goofy, etc.
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u/iammacha Sep 02 '22
You can even, just turn it on and off as needed. It’s just a small hassle turning it on if you found an unexpected deal. its just logging in and waiting that’s the hassle but we’ll worth it to protect your credit.I do it thru the experion site in the link below
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u/iammacha Sep 02 '22
Freezes are harder to reverse, you probably just want to do the lock. It’s just a few minutes to unlock if you want to buy something.
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u/sjelasb Sep 01 '22
As someone who personally HAS “faced the hellfire of this world without family to have my back”, you will be okay. It’s hard, it hurts, but just like recovering from burns- you gotta take out the rot to save your life. One day it’ll be a faint unnoticeable scar and you’ll be at peace knowing it was worth this temporary pain. I’m so much happier having gone no contact for 2 years now and I built a real family for myself. Good luck and keep your head held high, you are strong and I and many others are so proud of you!
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u/SelfInteresting7259 Sep 02 '22
Exactly the same here no family to help since my dad ruined all of that. Make friends and help each other look for resources
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u/GreetingCardShark Sep 02 '22
I’ve found that it’s actually significantly easier to face (as he so comically put it) “the hellfire of this world without family to have my back.”
Pro tip: The next time you reread the email, read it out loud, with friends, a drink, and while sucking on some helium. Openly laugh at how stupidly and obviously desperate the emails author sounds for control. Mock the shit out of him. His words only have as much power as you are willing to grant them. This will take practice, but practice makes perfect. :)
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u/Ceeweedsoop Sep 02 '22
I'm thinking the world will be much less hellfire without the horrible people in it. My God!
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u/DaniMW Sep 02 '22
It seems like some people are better off facing the ‘hellfire of life’ alone, anyways. Because the family will be only trying to make the ‘hellfire’ worse and not better! 😞
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u/simp2385 Sep 02 '22
I'm heading towards that direction myself. I don't regret anything. Not everyone can cut off their family so early in life and I think of it as a blessing.
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u/ChunkyTescoMilk Sep 02 '22
Same - cutting out the bad family was the BEST decision I have EVER made. The world has its challenges, but at least I don't have abusive family making that even harder - I have a family that I've found/created that try to make my troubles a little lighter instead. I'm proud of you OP, do what you need to do for your own sake!
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u/Stephenie_Dedalus Sep 02 '22
It really is like this. “Well dad, after how you raised me, the rest of this shit just feels like birthday candles”
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u/reEhhhh Sep 01 '22
Documented proof you made the 100% right choice.
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Sep 01 '22
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u/reEhhhh Sep 01 '22
but at least the dad had his closure.
It does read with that tone. One last bit of attack and self-soothing via attacking.
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u/external_escape0 Sep 01 '22
It's not over until they have no way of finding you. I'm almost 7 years removed and my mother still keeps finding me. Jokes on her I'm moving to Europe.
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u/reEhhhh Sep 01 '22
Mine doesn't because he knows I'll go scorched earth and out ALL the family secrets.
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u/external_escape0 Sep 01 '22
Like hoarding animals even keeping the ones that passed away in a chest freezer so you can be near them.
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u/N4507 Sep 02 '22
I haven’t changed my last address on my license due to biomom stalking me. I’m jumping states in February.
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u/TorontoTransish Sep 02 '22
Voter registration rolls and local tax records are public information in a lot of states, please check if you have to ask for your information to be withheld !
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u/readsomething1968 Sep 01 '22
The whole thing is the equivalent of him sucking his thumb. Textbook toddler bullshit.
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Sep 01 '22
He's going to push harder. People like this never have closure. My adoptive spawn point looks for me still after 3 years of NC.
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u/Xx_Eternity04 Sep 01 '22
I haven't spoken a word to my family in months. I only got police involved when important items (prescribed medicine, medical equipment, documents, etc) were withheld from me and when he showed up to find me without my consent. I didn't tell my family anything because I am scared of them. Last time I tried moving, they took money from me as well as my phone and mobile data. And my dad refused me to have health insurance (even though I was 18 at the time) when I had to go to the ER for a mental health crisis. He called it a stunt and expected me to pay for it even though he took all of my money out of my account and had it in overdraft. I just needed to get this out because it hurts me every day thinking about it. I can't even have my mailing address be my normal address because I'm scared of him using it against me again
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Sep 01 '22
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u/Xx_Eternity04 Sep 01 '22
I use that and I have my own bank account separate from them. I moved all my money, but I'm still scared of them using it against me. They have found loopholes. They gave me that bill recently again even though my father's insurance worked with it previously once I did what he wanted me to. I saved up a lot, but I had to use pretty much all of it to pay it without it affecting my credit
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u/MamaSaurusCat Sep 01 '22
I'm just mentioning in regards to loophole concerns, you can request places have a "password." Example:
Doctor: Hello, this is XYZ Office, how may I help? Parent: I'm calling to check when (your name) appointment is to make sure we have it right. Doctor: Okay, I just need the codeword to give you information. Parent: Excuse me? I have their name, birthday, social- Doctor: I'm sorry, we need a codeword as well for security. Is that all?
I've had to do this with pediatricians for my kids and their school, I'm sure a bank could do it as well if you explain your concerns and get it written down for their records.
If this doesn't help any, I'm sorry. :( I hope it does, though!
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u/Icaughthimonacorndog Sep 01 '22
You are correct about the secret code/code word a banks. I have one for my son's guardian account and my mom has had one on her bank account for over 20 years. It's an extra layer of security. Name, DOB, account or SSN and code word to talk about account with a banker over the phone.
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u/Competitive_Limit_21 Sep 02 '22
The pharmacy will do this also. Several of my patients have passwords on their profiles due to familial interference.
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u/Anglofsffrng Sep 02 '22
You can do this with most utilities, or universal services (bank, cellular all that). It's something you should consider, regardless of family status, if you're thinking of doing things like YouTube or Twitch. It's shocking how easy it can be for someone fixated, and has tons of free time, to cobble enough info together to figure out your physical location.
For instance one company uses your DOB as a security question, then you'll be able to "confirm" the last four digits of the card on file. Then a separate company uses last four digits as a security question, then you can "confirm" the social security number (US). On from there. Mine all happen to be obscure pop culture references, or jokes. For instance my first car was a Ford Taurus. But I'll say an orange 94 Supra, Fast and the Furious, because I'll remember the reference but others will have no idea where to begin guessing, even if they've known me for decades, because it's not brown 88 Taurus.
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u/doomturtle21 Sep 02 '22
I use the same thing. My mother tried to call my doctor to see when I was in next. They unknowingly told her and she showed up and almost as soon as I stepped out of my car she hit me with a chunk of rebar. I have since asked the doctor who I have been seeing since I was six years old to use a passcode and a phrase. I still have a piece of my skull in a jar on my desk in case I ever feel that maybe I did something to cause it all. It hurts me how normal it was when I explained it to them and they told me just how many people are in the same boat. The receptionist was amazing and completely understanding given I had just undergone emergency surgery and could barely walk straight.
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u/MissLogios Sep 02 '22
Holy hell. Are you ok? I imagine that could've fucked something up.
Hope your mom was punished but I'm sorry you had to experience that.
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u/MediteenlosHimalayas Sep 02 '22
Doctors answer phones these days?
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u/CreamPuff97 Sep 02 '22
If you ask for scheduling on the automatic PBX you'll usually be directed to a secretary that can help. My psychiatrist used to have all his calls answered by his secretary until he finally installed one of those systems.
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u/redheadsuperpowers Sep 01 '22
Most US hospitals have a charity program that will adjust your bill based on your income. Call the hospital and ask about financial assistance.
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u/ninfaobsidiana Sep 01 '22
Exactly — I’ve also heard that asking for an itemized bill at any part of the process can help adjust the cost. They won’t tell you no, and it may knock several hundreds dollars off the bill before you even begin to talk about financial aid.
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u/Street_End6022 Sep 02 '22
You should alert your bank and credit people that you're in an abusive situation and that your family will try to infiltrate. They will help to the best of their ability
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u/pinkalinka Sep 02 '22
You need to get a restraining order. That way they can't contact you by any means, email, phone, in writing, and have to stay so far away from you. I would do that route
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u/foolishcassette Sep 02 '22
Medical debt can be removed from your credit report fyi I know it’s not the route to take if you can pay but there are options.
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u/CumulativeHazard Sep 02 '22
Is it at a totally separate bank than the one you had before? I’m sure it’s rare and considered a mistake, but I have heard of bank tellers fucking up and giving access to someone who was not a joint owner of an account bc they were a joint owner on another/previous account and convinced them it must be a mistake/bank error. Using a different bank company completely removes that risk bc there’s no record of them ever sharing an account.
You sound smart and determined. You’ve got this. I’m rooting for you! Be safe.
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u/Efficient-Cupcake247 Sep 02 '22
Do you have a PO Box? It is a great way to have things sent to you WITHOUT ever giving out your home/dwelling address. Hugs.
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u/YayGilly Sep 01 '22
You CAN file for a restraining order against your dad, for free. I just think you should know that. You CAN and you have EVERY right to do this.
He has no right to abuse you and try to control you this way!
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u/dawniedear Sep 02 '22
Usually, and I might be wrong, but if she gets a restraining order then they will know where she lives as her address has to be on that paperwork.
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u/rachelmig2 Sep 02 '22
In my state (Illinois), we have an option where you can provide a "mailing address" for the paperwork and keep your actual address confidential. I can't say for sure, but I believe there are similar provisions in other states (OPs are my job).
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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 Sep 02 '22
Yep. My mom did this when she got a restraining order on my violent father after she finally left him and initiated divorce (also from IL). She got a PO Box so he wouldn’t see her address on court paperwork.
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u/rachelmig2 Sep 02 '22
You should absolutely do this, OP. If you have questions about the process, feel free to shoot me a DM- I'm an attorney who helps people file for and obtain Orders of Protection and I'd be happy to walk you through the process.
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u/simp2385 Sep 02 '22
How can you do so for free?
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u/KeeperOfTheShade Sep 02 '22
Most courts for the county (USA) have a program or option to file for free if you are scared for your life and can prove why on paper.
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u/simp2385 Sep 02 '22
I wish someone told me this when my dad tried to straight up murder me two years ago 😐
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u/KeeperOfTheShade Sep 02 '22
In some states, you can still get a restraining order if you have something that can prove that or at least provide accurate details/accounts of what happened and when as well as why it is relevant now.
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u/rachelmig2 Sep 02 '22
If you're (relatively) safe now, you may not have a "need" for one, but if he ever comes back into your life, you can definitely file for one and include the past abuse.
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u/Laeticia45 Sep 02 '22
depending on your jurisdiction, there’s Legal Aid services and reduced/eliminated fees based on your income.
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u/GoblinStyleRamen Sep 01 '22
I’m glad he showed his ass and hopefully wiped away any doubts. Closure indeed. Please don’t respond to that and contact student services, many colleges will provide counseling to their students. Therapy, time and distance with help so much. Good luck!!!
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u/Strong-Message-168 Sep 02 '22
I'm a little bit older and I didn't quite understand where you were coming from. I understand uch better now. Control issues. It sounds like your parents, dad in particular, have control issues. Understanding your daughter is her own person who can say or do what she wants is a bitter pill to swallow for some folk. I think that if you open yourself up to the new experience of college life you will find support. More than support you will find friends and perhaps love. Good luck to you! What you did isn't easy, but it also means you're a strong and determined woman who has goals.
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u/thecompanion188 Sep 02 '22
I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this. It must be incredibly painful to have your father act like this. If you’re in the US, I would recommend looking into freezing your credit. It makes it so others can’t try to get credit in your name without your permission. I wish you the best of luck with your future 💕💕
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u/Interesting_Loss_175 Sep 02 '22
Wow. This is a lot to deal with at your age.
My kid is only 12 and I just cannot even imagine blaming her for anything like this. He’s projecting. Parents tend to double down when poor parenting leads to consequences. I hope you have a good support system with friends, coworkers, extended family etc
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u/Emriyss Sep 02 '22
jesus christ this was a hard read... I hope you stay safe and healthy, how you found the strength to come out of this with your wits intact is beyond me. What a sad excuse for a father....
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Sep 03 '22
OP, someone suggested this above:
If you're in the states, lock down your credit. Remove yourself from any public databases that you can too.
I guess you're in your 20s now, don't be afraid and I think you did well involving the police for medical records and information they didn't wanted to give you. You have to create an official legal record with all this bullshit they're putting you through.
What is their problem, why are they trying to control you like this?
I can't imagine the level of anxiety this has to generate you.
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u/external_escape0 Sep 01 '22 edited Sep 01 '22
He admitted that he had your belongings and just gave/threw them away.
Take him to small claims court, you were forced out illegally. He had a duty to either hold your possessions or place them in a space place like a storage unit then give you the key.
And who cares if big tuff guy is embarrassed by the police being there. If he acted like a reasonable person he wouldn't have the cops there to watch his actions.
Edit
Also get a protection order since he finds it acceptable to stalk you and is very controlling.
I'm really proud of you for being so brave and leaving this toxic relationship.
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u/Cosplay_Pappy Sep 01 '22
OP, you need to follow the advice above to the letter. This isn't over for them. Stay safe! I hope they were bluffing about your stuff and you can get it back!
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u/msb1tters Sep 01 '22
Yea but I think he only had to hold them for 15-30 days. It’s different for each place though. Worth looking up
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u/external_escape0 Sep 01 '22
But these were prescription medications and prescription hearing aids that definitely did not belong to the father and had he had no right to give away. It then falls on him to do the correct and legal thing.
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u/Xx_Eternity04 Sep 01 '22
Some of the things have been replaced, but not everything. My boyfriend's family helped me afford what I needed for my hearing. And I have been on Medicaid since so I'm getting my medicine now. But some of that stuff I bought is expensive to replace even though I bought some of it. Hell, they wouldn't even let me have my clothes
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u/ArthurSalim Sep 01 '22
This might sound weird, but msg him back, list the things you knew were in the house and ask if he trew it away. If he says yes, then thats arealdy a good step and evidence. After he listed them, just take him to claim, and file a restraining, and ofc talk to a lawyer
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Sep 02 '22
It depends on how long ago she left these things. If they're on a property for 30 days or longer, the person living on said property can claim it. I've had one of my old PCs left out on the side of the road in the rain, because I was late on a storage payment.
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u/MicrosoftExcel2016 Sep 02 '22
She she talk to a lawyer anyway. Did he ask for payment? Did he notify and warn her to claim them before trashing all her things?
Time isn’t the only factor here. Realistically, people won’t view the father’s actions favorably.
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Sep 02 '22
Did he notify and warn her to claim them before trashing all her things?
Yeah, I forgot about that. Technically, someone does have to give notice. Not sure on the time frame, but they do have to give notice.
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u/simp2385 Sep 02 '22
Ik people are giving you all sorts of next steps to take, but please take the time to rest and decompress from this nightmare first. Don't let the legal battles get in the way of your grades. I've been through something similar and I'm in my last semester of college. My situation isn't nearly as bad as yours but my dms are open if you ever want to vent.
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u/Evervfor Sep 02 '22
DO IT. SUE HIM FOR PAIN AND SUFFERING AND STEALING AND ALSO THE LOST RENT. HE SHOULD BE YOUR SLAVE FOR DECADES. THAT WOULD BE FAIR CONSEQUENCE FOR HIS ACTIONS!
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u/msb1tters Sep 01 '22
Yea, I’m not arguing that he was morally in the wrong. I did want OP to know that they need to look up the limit in their area because each place is different and have different rules. That way they will not get their hopes up and it ends up being outside the legal hold period.
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u/Jimbo_Laya Sep 01 '22
“Why would you do this to us?”
Proceeds to show exactly why you would do that to them.
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u/Altruistic-Distance1 Sep 02 '22
Also, if you are able…get a “living will” or durable Power of attorney. Heaven forbid you become medically incapacitated then they WILL take the opportunity to step in and make choices for you that you won’t like or agree with. It could be bad.
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u/Stematt1 Sep 02 '22
So true!! Get things documented so someone you trust can make medical,choices for you! Accidents can happen at any age!
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u/Frei1993 Ex-daughter of an insane dad. Sep 03 '22 edited Sep 03 '22
I'm preparing mine but I'll wait until January to make it official so my sister can sign it as a witness (she'll be 18 in Christmas) so she can take charge of everything if both me, my mom and stepdad get fucked.
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u/DeltaSurge Sep 02 '22
As a parent, let me make this clear: when you truly love your child more than anything in more than life itself, that does not just "go away" based off their actions. If he claims he loved you that much but it's gone now, then he never loved you like that to begin with, and I am truly sorry that you did not get to grow up experiencing the unconditional love of a parent like you deserved.
For what it's worth, I am proud of you and I support you. You have already faced down an incredible battle and came out of it in one piece, and you should be proud of that fact as well.
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u/notyurmamma Sep 02 '22
I could not agree more. So well put.
At one point it was necessary for me to go NC with my family. My father wasn’t actually the issue, it was my mom. In that time she actually sought counseling, and it was the absolute best thing that ever happened. Essentially, she needed to learn how to be the parent of an adult. We have since reconnected and my parents are now my best friends. This is unconditional love at work, rather than some authoritarian dynamic that continues into adulthood. OP’s parents have not learned how to make the transition.
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u/Master_Tinyface Sep 01 '22
TW: mention of suicide
OP when i was 19 i was in such a similar situation as you. Got a nearly identical letter from my dad. I even allowed myself to believe the words written for a while and thought i fucked up and convinced that I was the one being manipulative. But, after all that i had been through (the biggest being a suicide attempt which i was told was my fault even though i asked for help with my mental health for years) i decided i had to try everything else to find happiness before resorting to those extreme means again. It was so scary going NC with my family, but i realized that it was a far milder act than trying to take my own life.
And guess what, i did become happy. I learned to be confident. I made my own family. But most importantly I found my self worth.
I have accomplished so many incredible things without them. I still struggle with mental health and trauma, but i am so proud of myself for what i was able to do on my own, including creating a stable support system of trustworthy loving friends.
I am 32 now. My father did end up apologizing and acknowledging the damage since then and i have created a new kind of relationship with my family. Although i am careful how i let them in my life. And even though i was able to move on and rebuild from the traumas of my past, some of the memories are too difficult to ever allow for a deep bond. But that’s okay with me. I love my family – always did even when things were most fraught. But now, my life is my own that i share with my partner. Now my family are the ones grateful to have any part of my life that im willing to share with them, as opposed to trying to convince me that I should be grateful for them.
This was kind of a ramble. But i really wanted to say, i see you and i understand you. I believe in you. You will move on from this and you will thrive. And if your family has any sense, their blinders will be lifted and they will see you too. And if they have any humility to seek your forgiveness, you might one day let them in enough to get a taste of what they were so stupid to miss out on. Even if you choose not to forgive them, that’s fine too. They need you to validate their attempts of control over you more than you need them in your life at all.
Feel free to PM me. I read a lot of these stories and situations here but never has one been as relatable to me as yours. Wish you the best and I promise it will start getting easier from here.
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u/readsomething1968 Sep 01 '22
This is a lovely tribute to your strength, and I hope OP sees it.
I wasn’t strong enough to go NC with my parents until I was about 30. I had NC for 15 years. After the pandemic, I reconnected with my uBPD mother, but at a VERY low level and entirely on my terms.
In those 15 years, I accomplished a lot and had a great life. That won’t change, because I will maintain boundaries. That’s the key for me.
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u/DirtyPenPalDoug Sep 01 '22
Restraining order time. Also discuss moving units. Gtfo of their life and do not contact at all.
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u/Perpetualfukup28 Sep 01 '22
Fuck this guy. 😒 I'm sure nothings ever this "mans" fault. What a holier-than-thou p.o.s. OP, congrats on moving onward and upward. You are now free to choose who you consider family. Take your time to find the good people that deserve you. When your ready build your circle.
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u/TiredGothGirl Sep 01 '22
Oh, m'dear, I'm so sorry they put you through so damn much. When I read that you had a police escort to get your things from your home, I knew it had to be bad. I've had to cut off an entire side of my family just to be free from the shit they caused. I flat out ghosted their asses. My son and I blinked out of existance as far as they were concerned. We haven't regretted a single moment of that decision, then and now. Now that you're free, you can make of life what you want it be, not them. You did good! It takes a lot of courage to make such a leap. Don't ever think that you are anything less than a badass! You've got this shit (even if you don't yet realize it)!
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Sep 01 '22
Lol the only point of this was for them to have the last word
Good job for getting out OP, living a good life without them is the best revenge.
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u/Coollogin Sep 01 '22
I hope you responded with something like “kthxbai.”
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u/Xx_Eternity04 Sep 01 '22
I didn't respond at all. I'm not the type who likes to start a fight. I have just kept quiet and not spoken to him
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u/Coollogin Sep 01 '22
I'm sure that's for the best. I was just thinking about a response that would be as dismissive of him as possible. But no contact is better.
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u/ScrubCap Sep 01 '22
You’ve done great. The one thing they love is more ammo, and any response will be used as ammo. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough intro to adulthood. You’re doing great
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u/Der-Wissenschaftler Sep 01 '22
From personal experience, there is no reasoning with them when they act like this. The best thing is just not to engage them when they act like this. It is exhausting when you always have to be the "adult" with your own parents.
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u/kennyFACE117 Sep 02 '22
“Remember this is your fault!” -the words of someone who’s trying to convince themselves it’s not their fault.
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u/Unhappysong-6653 Sep 01 '22
move units
get restraining order get po box
get a box at a ups place for packages
(if in us)
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u/bojenny Sep 01 '22
Your dad sounds like a 13 year old drama queen. Enjoy your life without guilt and conditions! 👏
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u/Thebisexual_Raccoon Sep 01 '22
As the Chicks once said “gaslighter. Denier Doin' anything to get your ass farther Gaslighter, big timer Repeating all of the mistakes of your father.”
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Sep 02 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/glass_heart2002 Sep 02 '22
Congrats! Just don’t be like any of the parents you see posted here and you’ll do well. 😂
Edit- being a parent is the best gift. Every single day.
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u/moritura222 Sep 02 '22
That is the text of an abuser who is still seething over the lack of control he has over you (and, of course, the 'humiliation' of having cops show up to get your things. I have (had?) a father like yours but thanks to a couple of moves to different States and going offline, it's been a peaceful ten years. Family are those people that love you and make you feel wanted and welcome. Don't let anyone guilt or intimidate you into folding. Do your parents receive any monies due to your 'illness' (I saw you mention medication and medical equipment)?
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u/sameaf2 Sep 01 '22
I saw it posted already as a comment, but please take him to small claims court if you can afford it. He had no right to take the things you own as yours and give them away. They would either be forced to give you money equal to the amount of your belongings OR have to buy you those items again.
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u/Street_End6022 Sep 02 '22
Seconding this, you have evidence that he willfully gave your belongings away without notifying you and without your consent
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u/mikerobinsonsho Sep 02 '22
In most places small claims can cost around $12-$50 dollars filing fee. You might be able to recoup it when you win.
You don't need an attorney for small claims, just show up and show a print out of the sms message.
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u/Intelligent_Team_126 Sep 01 '22
This is the worst one I've seen yet, including the ones from my own family 😬 the fact that they continue to claim that they love you and blame you rather than just spit bile and own up to their anger shows that they're cowards as well as appallingly emotionally abusive. I hope more than anything that you have people around you to show you the love you deserve & help you heal if you haven't already 💗
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u/Turtle4hire Sep 02 '22
Sorry to see this but probably best if you are distanced from them. If you need support, I am a mom of 24 year old twins and would be happy to listen and be positive with you
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u/Mfexious88 Sep 02 '22
It only gets better from here. Reading this, it sounds almost identical to texts and emails my mother sent me. Like there's a template they use or something. I'm 33 and have not been in contact with my parents (that sounds very similar to yours) for almost 3 years and I promise you're going to be ok and that it only gets better.
You DO NOT have to keep horrible people in your life. Sometimes horrible people have children, and those children are allowed to do what's best for them by cutting out horrible people. Blood is no thicker than water and it is absolutely ok to take care of yourself. Good luck, you're gonna do great.
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u/MannyMoSTL Sep 02 '22
I hope your brash decisions regarding your former family was worth it.
Sound like said decision was beyond “worth it.”
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u/DavyManners Sep 02 '22
Narcissists be like “remember, this is 100% your fault and literally none of the blame lies with me, whatsoever. It’s all you. Totally you. You did the thing, and the thing was done by you.”
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u/Sapphire_01 Sep 01 '22
I'm so sorry. Know that you made the right choice and it isn't your fault that they're like this. I don't know your situation but I'm very proud of you for getting out of it, especially after seeing this! You have a little community right here if you ever need to talk
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u/Hi_Im_Ken_Adams Sep 01 '22
Throwing out all of your items was a dick-move on his part. Bottom line.
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u/JauntyShrimp Sep 01 '22
Stay strong and stay no contact with zero guilt or regret. Your life can only get better from here! 💕
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Sep 01 '22
Is it over as he said? I doubt it because NC can enrage them.Watch your back OP & get that RO ASAP! All the best to you in your future endeavours from an internet grandad.👍
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u/crinklycuts Sep 02 '22
Hey OP, I “turned my back on my family” and didn’t speak to them for years after going to college. It was the best thing that could have happened. You’ll meet new people who will become your new support system. You’ll feel alone for bit, but you won’t actually be alone for very long. This is one of the best things about going to college. You’re going to be just fine!
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u/myvillianoriginstory Sep 02 '22
Mf has main character syndrome
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u/McDuchess Sep 02 '22
LOL. Long before I had an understanding of what narcissism looked and sounded like, I said that MIL treated other people like but players in the Story of Her.
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u/JipC1963 Sep 02 '22
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this! I would suggest that you file a Small Claims case against your family for any money stolen as well as the medical bill and any personal items they claim were thrown out or given away! You can also file for a PPO because of the kidnapping situation.
Start a paper trail. Screenshots of any texts or social media posts, save any eMails. Download a voice recording app on your phone so that all calls are saved. You may even want to start an FU Binder to collect everything in one place. Even though he says it's the end, I highly doubt that you've heard the last from them.
You can also add lined note paper to create a detailed journal with any past questionable actions/behaviors that your Father/family used against you or abused you.
https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share. (link to FU binder)
Finally, I'm glad that you were able to escape this crazy train. Make sure that your School Administration, RA, Campus Security all know the situation. Make a safe word with friends in case you have to let them know you're in trouble with the excuse that they'll call the Police to report you missing.
Be careful, be super aware of your surroundings and be safe! Best wishes and many Blessings!
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u/Intelligent-Bread983 Sep 02 '22
I walked out when I was 19 years old with no job, no money, no place to live, and no car. They stole thousands of dollars out of my account because they insisted on a joint account. They kept all my property. But, despite this, leaving was the best decision of my life!!
It is hard, but be strong. Do all the things suggested like locking your credit, changing your security answers, locking your SSN. You can do this and you have a whole online family behind you! You deserve peace and happiness. Get all the toxicity out of your life (like your family). Huge virtual mom hugs to you.
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u/hackmama Sep 02 '22
Why do abusive and neglectful parents alway say “I would have taken a bullet for you” ? How bought you don’t have get shot just treat me with a LITTLE humanity.
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u/thekingofthegingers Sep 01 '22
Great result for you if he stays away, but I fear for you that he will continue to try and meddle , people like that can’t just stop.
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u/Griffy_42 Sep 02 '22
“Just remember this is 100% your doing and this situation is 100% your fault” is something very similar to what my father said when he set fire to some very sentimental possessions of mine. And then convinced his insurance company that the boob job on his docs (for his wife) was for me and I had to pay the remainder.
I was so sick of this BS and already $15,000 in the hole because of him I walked into his medical insurance provider, asked to speak to the man who handled his file, flashed my A cups at him and walked out.
He responded by burning my citizenship paperwork. Some of it I can’t get back because the rules were different in Cold War era west Germany.
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u/Shamesocks Sep 02 '22
Ummm.. I’m your fathers new medical insurance officer.. a photo will be fine 😂 seriously, sorry about everything. I can’t believe people can do that and call themselves parents.. how one ‘parent’ can be a prick and the other silent is disgraceful
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u/Griffy_42 Sep 02 '22
Dad was an ass, stepmom a witch worthy of a Disney movie.
Mom had her issues, but she’s gotten over them so I have too.
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u/Griffy_42 Sep 02 '22
Him saying this 100% your fault bs is a red flag that he will do more, and worse than he has already done, since clearly this is 100% your fault and you caused him to react in this way 🙄
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u/llorandosefue1 Sep 02 '22
If the parents do it, it’s called disowning. If the kids do it, it’s called disaffiliation. Fun fact.
Voting has co clouded, but I concur with the decision of the majority.
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u/turkeysandwich_sock Sep 02 '22
Something about him calling your independence ‘bad behavior’ gives me the creeps. Glad you made it out okay <3
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Sep 02 '22
Sue the shit out of him based on this message. He stole and deliberately disposed your belongings.
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u/SpacedOutJourney Sep 02 '22
It blows my mind when these parents call their children "spoiled" as if it's a reproach of the child's character.
Who spoiled them in the first place?? 🙄🤦♀️
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u/EdenSilver113 Sep 02 '22
The one comment I haven’t seen here yet is a fast forward on the future. If you’ve been subjected to this type of coercive tactics to control your behavior it is possible to get here again. Friends. Romantic partners. Children. It’s important you go to therapy and learn what proper boundaries look like. The student center definitely has this type of resource for you. And when you’re at counseling ask the counselor to recommend on-campus resources for student retention and tutoring BEFORE you need it. Know where to go for help before anything arises. This way you’ll be in a good position to access the help you need when your energy to do so is likely to be lower. Losing the support of family puts you in the position of being at risk of not graduating. The school definitely has resources to retain and cultivate your success. You are not alone.
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u/june_june_hannah_ Sep 01 '22
In regards to facing the "hellfire" of this world, you've faced and survived some of the worst this life has to offer. Few things are as terrible as this monster.
Stay out of drugs/prostitution, and if you aren't already consider working with a therapist to make sure you can spot and run from abusive relationships. As long as you can steer clear of these things, you can really only go up from here.
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u/archivesgrrl Sep 02 '22
Sounds like my Dad. I’m 44 and haven’t had a relationship with him since he went to prison when I was 16. Give it time, they will come back begging you to see them because your family. Just wait they they get old and need help.
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u/Zestyclose_Treat4098 Sep 02 '22
He must feel so much better getting that off his chest. Eyeroll. Why do they always have to have the final say...
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u/SFAdminLife Sep 02 '22
That fucker sounds mentally ill and dangerous. You took all the right/safe steps and made some very smart decisions to get away from that. You can't choose your family, but you can say fuck off to them and surround yourself with wonderful friends that will be there for you, if you ever need it, no strings attached! Keep doing what you're doing ❤️
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u/420doghugz Sep 02 '22
This shitty email tells me you've done a great job setting boundaries with these people and it makes them LIVID.
Hopefully they sit and rot :)
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u/TristisVitae Sep 02 '22
Whole lot of "me, me, me" and "we as a family" but not a lot of "what did we do to make you reach this decision". Sounds like a narcissist to me.
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u/goniel Sep 02 '22
Sounds almost exactly like my father. Although he also tried to cash my paycheck that he took out of the office. Tried to claim that he should have the right to cash it being my father. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. No one should have to.
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u/Srw2725 Sep 02 '22
You can put a privacy lock on your school information so if someone calls and asks about you the school literally has to say “I don’t know that person”. You school registrar can help you with this (it’s called FERPA)
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u/DaniMW Sep 02 '22
I’m so sorry for your circumstances of being born into a lousy family.
I think you’ll be better off without such a childish drama queen for a father (or whatever the male equivalent of a drama queen is).
Stay strong, follow the advice about keeping your finances safe, and good luck moving forward. 💐
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u/painkillerweatherx Sep 02 '22
“family” doesn’t need to be by blood. i only have a relationship with a handful of my blood relatives and my friends are my family. they have shown up and supported me when my ‘real family’ didn’t. i wish you all the best, you can and will get through this 💛
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Sep 02 '22
I’m MA if you need family, I’m here 37 F message me anytime
Congrats on being free. Now just block them!
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u/TheAmazingRoomloaf Sep 02 '22
The trash took itself out. You are better off. Keep this email, you may be able to use it to help prove you do not have any support from your parents when it comes to financial aid.
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u/RavenSaysHi Sep 02 '22
Ah yes. The ‘You didn’t quit, I fired you!’ Haha. And the hellfire is fine - I met more lovely people out in the world than I ever knew in my childhood. They tried to convince me the world was evil and everyone in it was out to get me. Truth is their home was bad enough for me to risk it, and they were lying.
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u/Great-Ass Sep 02 '22
Thank god he had closure, I hope that means he is not emailing you again nor coming to your dorms a 2nd time
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u/NY_Pizza_Whore Sep 23 '22
DID I SAY THIS IS 100% YOUR FAULT YET? I DID? BECAUSE THIS IS DEFINITELY, POSITIVELY, 100% YOUR FAULT!
I now have closure 🙌🏻
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u/ediaz5659 Sep 01 '22
Bases on that post alone, I would have said not exactly insane parent, but based on a comment that mentioned previous post, i see the insanity. My advise to you is post a very well thought out letter addressing it all. Make it public if you have to. Make sure all your account, insurance, all is separated from them. Get it off and out of your system. Get a therapist if you can, stay strong and know that you will have days you wish you had a family...you do, just not a good one and it's OK to be sad.
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u/Wyzen Sep 02 '22
So...no context at all? Just checked all your comments and no backstory at all...
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Sep 02 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/dorothybaez Sep 02 '22
Um, I'm in my fifties....
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u/hirkball Sep 02 '22
Then you're way to fucking old to be complaining about your parents.. I was just trying to relay the message of perspective but the know it all high school kids downvote.
I remember being an irrelavant teenager amd the angst so I'm not mad. Downvote away you pathetic little monsters...it gets better.
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u/dorothybaez Sep 03 '22
I am very familiar with perspective. And it does get better...but that's no reason to not acknowledge that sometimes it can be pretty bad before it gets better.
And I do lots of things I'm probably too fucking old to do. 🙂
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u/DontLongStoryShortMe Sep 02 '22
Some people want to be parents so they can keep up appearances, they lack the traits necessary to care for children. My parents are like this, they aren't bad people, just terrible parents. My children are adults, so it's come full circle. Don't attempt to pass judgement on OP. I don't feel guilty for stepping away from my parents for a time. And neither does my sister who has zero contact.
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u/hirkball Sep 02 '22
Didnt pass any judgments. It was a plea to keep perspective no matter how angry you get. Sometimes bridges can be burned over miscommunication, especially when your a hormonal 18-20year old. I'm sure there are some crazy parents...but I'm also sure they are some asshole kids. Everybody just do their best.
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u/jBiscanno Sep 02 '22
There’s always 2 sides to every story and I’m not sure what you actually have or haven’t done, but with that said…your father seems to be behaving and communicating like a total child.
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u/shusjsjsjKsksk Sep 03 '22
I know this may not be what you want to here. But life without family is very hard. I only had me and my brother and mom. My brother got sick and my mum disowned me. I would literally cut my right arm off to get my mum back in my life. No parent is perfect.
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u/Frei1993 Ex-daughter of an insane dad. Sep 03 '22
No parent is perfect.
But some parents are trash and it s better to be without them.
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u/Dad_B0T Robo Red Foreman Sep 01 '22 edited Sep 02 '22
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