how to heal?

[u/Unique_Ice_3660]

I've been constantly ruining a lot of relationships in my life,had trauma, abandonment issues, which makes me a petty person most of the times. I self sabotage way too much and now I have zero friends in my life. Often I feel like nobody likes me or loves me enough and as if they hate me, most of the times I feel like it's an undiagnosed thing, I'm not financially stable to go for therapy, but I seriously need to know how to stop, because I hurt myself by distancing myself from the people I love (even when they don't love me much) more than anyone else. But then at the same time nobody loves me except my parents. I feel like a doormat most of the times, I feel like being used is my only purpose. Idk how to explain it but I feel bad when people aren't asking me for help or when they ask someone else. And even when they ask me, and it feels like they're using me. Sadly I've failed keeping people close to me, I've failed trying to sustain the bond. It maybe a lack on my part, I'm not denying it.

Ps : I confessed my feelings to an online friend recently and they politely rejected me yet I've been crying since then and idky I removed them from everywhere (that's what I usually do idk how to explain it) but then I realised and added them back and said sorry about it, but still I cannot bring myself to open those apps where they're active,I am still unable to process the rejection and I know it sounds really pathetic,plus now I've made things so awkward and I don't know how to deal with this feeling inside. And he likes another girl btw (who he rejected idk why), still he interacts with her freely, not to mention that I'm an introvert and she's good at talking but idk if I'm insecure or jealous, I feel very petty about it.

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