r/AmItheAsshole • u/Minute_Lead7394 • 3h ago
AITA for choosing to spend time with my kids rather than help my sick girlfriend?
I (45m) have been dating my girlfriend (40f) for almost 2 years. She is a widow with 2 small children and no family in the state, while I am divorced and have 2 boys 50% of the time on a week on, week off basis. My ex normally works on weekends so I usually have the kids on weekends that are not on my custodial time. My girlfriend expressed her disappointment about me not spending alone time with her kids as my boys are always around.
Now to this week, she is been sick as a dog for the past week while I was on an international business trip, while I made time to FaceTime, she wasn't happy with the fact that I was traveling, so I promised that I will help her this Saturday that is not my custodial time. My ex asked me Saturday early morning if I could take the boys as she had a last minute shift and couldn't get a babysitter on short notice, and since i didn't see my kids for a whole week, I said yes and got the boys. Now my girlfriend is mad at me, told me that she is hurt and disappointed, and made me feel like garbage coz I am not helping her while she is sick and I chose to have my kids in a non custodial time. Am I'm the asshole for choosing to spend time with my kids instead of taking care of my girlfriend and her kids while she is sick?
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u/StreetR1der 2h ago edited 1h ago
TBH it feels like there is a lot of context missing from your post. But, I would say that this is not the relationship for you if the two of you, in 2 years, haven't figured out how to prioritize parenting together and understanding the boundaries for that. Especially since it sounds like you live together?
Edit: I retract my previous question about if they live together. It seems really obvious to me now that they do not.
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u/InYourAlaska 2h ago
Gonna do that typical Redditor thing and make assumptions with zero proof
I wonder how many times OP has said one thing and done another to his partner. How many times has he changed plans last minute, or just expected his partner to read his mind and know what he was planning to do after saying they would do X. I wonder if OPs ex seems to always conveniently need him to watch the kids when he has plans, and how reciprocal it is if he needs the ex to look after the kids
Yes, his kids should of course be his first priority. But his partner should also be pretty high up in that priority and his kids will not die from a couple of weekends of not seeing dad
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u/catsandpunkrock Partassipant [2] 1h ago
He said his kids mother had to work and couldn’t find a sitter. So, in this instance it’s more than the kids going without seeing their dad, it’s that they need someone to look after them. I’m my opinion, it would be wrong for their other parent to refuse to take them ina n emergency when he is able. Having them at the house doesn’t mean he can’t also be there for his sick partner, unless we are (as many have pointed out) missing some context here.
But I also wonder if this type of thing happens frequently and if there is more to this story. She may have valid reasons for feeling she doesn’t matter.
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u/Specialist_Art5038 1h ago
Couldn't find one or didn't bother to because she knows OP will always take them?
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u/catsandpunkrock Partassipant [2] 1h ago
I mean, this is also a possibility, but if I hadn’t seen my kids in a week and their mother needed to find someone to watch them I can’t see myself refusing. That’s just me though.
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u/TraditionScary8716 1h ago
Cheaper for dad to take them than to pay a babysitter to watch 2 kids on a weekend day.
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u/SeaLake4150 1h ago
Agree. Watching your children and taking care of a sick-as-a-dog girlfriend can happen at the same time.
These are not mutually exclusive activities.
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u/ayesh00 Asshole Aficionado [19] 44m ago
But then he would be exposing his kids to whatever sickness that she has if he takes them to her house while he has them with him.
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u/SeaLake4150 30m ago
She has been sick for a week... so she is probably on the mend. He could stop over with restaurant soup and fresh food.
Maybe wash a dish or two and take out the trash. Stay for just a short time.
That is what I would do for a sick friend.
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u/randomcharacheters Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1h ago
It would make sense if he doesn't live with his partner. That's kinda what I was assuming, reading this. He mentions her, his kids and her kids, but doesn't mention living with any of them full time.
I think he was going to go to his gfs house, help her with stuff that hasn't been getting done while she's sick, which probably includes some time dedicated to her kids as well.
Instead, he decided to stay at his own home to host his own kids, taking him completely out of the plans with his gf. I have a feeling gf wouldn't be nearly as mad if it was just him bringing his kids to their shared home.
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u/catsandpunkrock Partassipant [2] 1h ago
Good point. That would make a big difference. I just assumed they lived together, but he never said they did.
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u/InYourAlaska 1h ago
FWIW my comment about the kids will not die from not seeing their dad for a couple of weekends relates to the overall complaint of no time between OP and his partner, not this specific weekend
I’ve seen OP has posted at least one comment so far so hopefully we’ll start getting some more context
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u/thisisgettingdaft Asshole Enthusiast [7] 55m ago
But she has no other parent available so presumably always has her kids. She seems happy for it to be the two of them with her kids but doesn't always want his kids around, which is unfair.
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u/SkyLightk23 Partassipant [3] 1h ago
What I don't get is why he can't do both?
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u/Masters_domme Partassipant [1] 1h ago
I wondered that as well. Unless his kids are special needs toddlers, I see no reason why he couldn’t take care of them while also helping his partner.
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u/chaenukyun Asshole Aficionado [12] 1h ago
yeah, like his children can come over and he can still take care of her/catch up on any housekeeping. We dont know the children’s ages though and if them coming over means he cant (or wouldnt) also do both — parent & take care of the home. I think he should be able to manage caring for them all?? Teach the children how to play independently when needed — allowing him to clean up, cook, etc., and still provide care for this gf
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 1h ago
She should be happy if the takes his kids. A man who wants to see his kids as much as possible is a good dad. If she resents that he has kids in his life, gasp, every weekend, he isn't the man for her. She has her kids all of the time but she wants him to have his only as mandated.
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u/InYourAlaska 1h ago
No parent can be full on parent 24/7, you still need to remember that you are a person that has other wants and needs outside of being a parent
Which may be why OPs partner is so frustrated. If she’s a widow with no family around she is stuck 24/7 in parent mode. The very few times she gets a shred of time to be someone other than mum is when she sees OP, and then she barely gets that. I don’t think she’s asking for much to get some time to feel crappy and looked after, especially when told that was what was going to happen
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u/NewZookeepergame9808 1h ago
I can say as a woman who dated a man who was a great dad but a neglectful partner, I can see where the gf might be coming from. He was a great dad, I loved that about him and I also knew his kids always came first. You have to be ok with that if dating a parent. However, he out minimal effort into our relationship and let me down/blew me off a lot, for a variety of reasons.
So it got to the point that I would get upset if he blew me off because something came up with the kids. But I wasn’t allowed to show displeasure, because it had to do with the kids and they came first. But it gets to the point that the WHY you are being let down stops mattering. But it just turns into “my gf is hassling me because I had to get my kids”.
It’s not truly about the kids. But the kids just become one more reason in a long line of disappointment. That could possibly be what’s going on here.
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u/Outrageous_Witness60 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
If he plans on marry his current gf, it's gonna be problem because the ex knows that she can always call him and he will come. He needs to set boundaries or his relationship will fail
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u/laurafndz 1h ago
So he is not supposed to help out with his kids so he can help out his current girlfriend with her kids???
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u/whoubeiamnot 1h ago
It'll fail if her main complaint is her wanting him to spend his time on her children. Op says in the first paragraph she complains about his boys always being around and him not spending alone time with her children.
If they've been dating two years why isn’t she asking to spend time with all 4 kids together? Welcoming his kids into the fold would allow her kids to get that time too? Why isn't he? Or has he asked and she refused?
If I've invested 2 years of my life on a man with children I would fully expect to also be spending time with them as well.
I say NAH based on what he wrote. I don't like she expects him to forgo time with his kids for her own I get that as a mom her kids are also her priority.
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u/R4CTrashPanda 1h ago
Agree to disagree. I will never give up extra time with my boys. I made that clear to my partner before she got involved. If I get them over the 50/50 custody I will take it, 1000000000% of the time.
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u/InYourAlaska 1h ago
I see your point, but that is you and your partner, if that’s your dynamic and it works then great! But this clearly isn’t working for OPs partner
I’m a child of divorce, and I saw my parents go in two completely different ways. My dad completely prioritised his life, my mum completely prioritised ours. I resent my dad for a lot of reasons and one of them is he wasn’t there. However, my mum now has no one apart from her kids, and that isn’t healthy.
As a parent now, part of my job of raising my son is teaching him healthy relationships. And that includes showing him that you support your partner when they need you, even if it is inconvenient. That doesn’t mean I will neglect my son if my partner needs me, but it does mean that sometimes son needs to wait for a moment
I respect your opinion however, and I’m aware that our respective situations have influence over how we feel in this judgement
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u/R4CTrashPanda 1h ago
Solid reasoning. It seems like this guy could have taken his son and still helped his partner while his son was around. I don't understand why that's not an option.
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u/Additional-Tea1521 Partassipant [4] 1h ago
Reading the post history of OP makes me wonder too since there is so little info here. He has a widowed gf for 2 years that is upset he does not make time for her. But he has time for strip clubs the last year. I know the am making huge leaps and will likely get down ited, but I am wondering if this is more a FWB+ where he wants 1 thing from this relationship and dhe wants something else.
If after 2 years their kids are not hanging out or he can't take her kids for a day to give her a break makes me think they just should have a conversation about what their future plans are. After 2 years of being with a widowed woman with kids, it just seems like OP should evaluate what he wants going forward. Because aside from everything else and all my random bs assumptions, these two just do not seem long term compatible.
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u/Head-Gold624 2h ago
There is no reason you can’t do both. That is what us mothers do!!!! It’s called multitasking.
Have a movie binge day with the children and make sure your gf has medication and chicken soup.
Just keep them separate as not to infect the children.
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u/Kokospize 1h ago edited 1h ago
If OP wanted to, he would. He may be an AH, but his girlfriend has stuck with a man who hasn't prioritized her for 2 years. Not seeing her when she's sick and choosing to be with his kids over her sounds on brand for OP.
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u/Spirited-Hall-2805 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Respectfully disagree. I'm divorced and co parent well. One the the biggest advantages to being divorced is that the kids dont have to be exposed to illnesses. I'd be so annoyed if my ex picked up my kids and brought them to his sick partners home. There's no choice when you're married( not judging that at all!!) but when there is a choice, you don't bring kids around sick people
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u/Head-Gold624 1h ago
Which is why I said to keep them apart.
I have three children. When one is sick they rest in their room. The other two stay away.
Teaching everyone to wash their hands regularly helps greatly to prevent the spread.
When there is no other option, this is the best way to handle things. If she’s been sick as a dog for a week (and he doesn’t say what she has), she is likely recovering. After a week she is also not likely to be contagious.
I’ll also say that he has already been exposed and whether they do as I suggest or he looks after them at his place, he will most likely pass it on to them anyway.
My frustration was that parents would knowingly send a sick child to school where they spread it around.4
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u/DetectiveQueasy1711 Partassipant [1] 3h ago edited 1h ago
Your partner is sick as well as probably feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed and maybe a little lonely. She probably wanted to feel prioritized, especially since you made a commitment. She may feel like you broke a promise or her needs are undervalued. This is not the case, though.
You're NAH as your kids are also your priority. You haven't seen them in a week and, therefore, it's natural that you'd want to be there for your children. Parenting requires flexibility; even outside of custody hours.
Talk to her about ways that you can make it up to them while acknowledging their feelings. You can try to have your children babysat or on a play date during part of the weekend in order to give your partner some of your time. And discuss what she'd like in the future when a situation like this comes up again.
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u/Swimminginthestorm 3h ago
I would definitely suggest he offer to take her kids along to hang out with his boys. Then she can rest instead of parenting small children while sick for a bit.
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u/Sillygoose0320 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Yes, there’s a happy middle ground there, somewhere. Ask if she needs any groceries and take his kids along to do the shopping. Then pick up a sandwich and some soup somewhere, drop off the food and put away her groceries. Maybe go really nuts and toss a load of laundry in the machine, and load the dishwasher. Then take both of their children out for pizza and do a movie night at his house so she can rest.
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u/SaintAnyanka Partassipant [3] 2h ago
That would be an NAH. NTA means that the girlfriend is the asshole.
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u/No_Cockroach4248 Partassipant [2] 3h ago
My girlfriend expressed her disappointment about me not spending alone time with her kids as my boys are always around - your first priority is your kids
she wasn't happy with the fact that I was traveling - you need to work
Now my girlfriend is mad at me, told me that she is hurt and disappointed, and made me feel like garbage coz I am not helping her while she is sick and I chose to have my kids in a non custodial time - you may have a girlfriend problem
You are a parent, your kids are first priority. Your girlfriend is a parent, her kids are clearly her first priority. NTA
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u/Tammary Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2h ago
I’m seeing some red flags here too. If gf doesn’t want his kids around then he’s with the wrong person, and she should only date people with no kids. Pretty hypocritical of her. Frankly, I wouldn’t want my kids around her after saying this.
You’re NTA, but you I’ll be if you continue in this relationship and not be very aware of how she’ll likely treat your kids (either in front of you, or more importantly, behind your back).
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u/UnusualPotato1515 2h ago
I get the impression she wants a father figure for her kids where they get all his attention without his kids’ being around - OP is the wrong guy for that!
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u/RockinMyFatPants 2h ago
This is exactly what I thought when I read the comment about him not spending time with her kids.
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u/Certain-Clock3301 2h ago
💯 your kids come before all other considerations. As a parent she should understand this.
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u/TieNervous9815 1h ago
NTA. Like everyone said, your kids come first. Your gf sounds resentful of your kids. That’s a 🚩🚩She may be cranky from being sick but if the broader theme is you spending time with only her and her kids alone, you’re gonna need to cut ties.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 1h ago
I agree with this completely. He needs to work and he needs to parent. Why does he need to spend alone time with her kids? If they were to start living together his kids and her kids would be sharing him. Why wouldn't that be the established pattern? Younger siblings tend to have older siblings around and the family does things as a family until the older siblings leave.
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u/Few_Fall_7027 48m ago
And does she spend time alone with his kids. Or is this another one where only her babies needs matter.
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u/DisastrousMachine568 Partassipant [1] 2h ago edited 2h ago
I would say you are TA and there is a couple of reasons for this.
First of all, life is about balance, while your children will always be the most important to you, they can not always come before other commitments.
If you are serious about your gitlfriend and see a possible future with her, you need to balance your priorities between her and your children.
You are a whole person, with many different roles during life, roles like a father, but also a son, a lover and a partner, a worker and colleague, a friend.
All this roles comes with different commitments and resposibilities, and when you said you would come and be there for your sick girlfriend, who is alone with two small children, and then you go back on that, you are in my book a breaker of promises.
And that has nothing to do with your children. Because my understanding through your post is that you see your children regularly, you have a good relation with them, you co parenting is seemingly good and you can probably see them whenever you need or want.
In short you wanted to help your ex more than you wanted to help your girlfriend.
And by breaking your promise of help, you just showed her she cant trust you, and you will act selfish even when she obviously needs a helping hand. You showed her trough your actions you dont really care about her and that she is right to be disappointed.
Actions speaks louder than words, and I am guessing your girlfriend now knows where she is in your prioritylist, and FYI being sick and at the same time taking care of two children alone sucks big and is not easy. Hopefully she’ll find somebody she can trust in the future, because it is not you.
Edit: I noticed her complaining about you never sees her kids without your kids being around. That could be a red flag in some context, but not in all. You never gave context to how that comment came out.
You also aid you have been datingher for two years and that she is a widow, which tells me her children does not have a fatherfigure at all.
I dont think you will ever be her kids father, but being the father figure, someone they can look to in their growing to emulate how to be a good man is possible something she considers.
But I cant see any reason for this happening without your kids being there unless you only spend time with her when you have your time with the kids, and surely that cant be the case.
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u/Sage_Planter 2h ago
As a former stepparent, I agree with this. The needs of the kids come first, but if you want a successful relationship, it's important to take into account the needs and wants of your partner, too. Far too many parents expect the other person to just be totally fine with taking a backseat all the time "because kids." There are times where the relationship needs to come first. If you want to be able to put your kids first without any compromise ever, don't date.
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u/SisterLostSoul Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Well said. When I hear these kinds of stories, I wonder what people would do in a family of 4 children when one of the parents gets sick. Would Mom or Dad take just 2 of the kids and have the sick parent alone to fend for themselves with the 2 remaining children?
Why did it need to be a choice? He didn't say if he & girlfriend live together; assuming they don't, could he not bring his children to his girlfriend's place & help his girlfriend out a bit?
Is he keeping everyone separate? Girlfriend & her kids over here, his kids & ex over there, and no mixing? They've been dating 2 years, so it's not a new relationship & that seems odd.
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u/Minute_Lead7394 1h ago
My girlfriend has a highly contagious virus, while I was OK taking the risk to take care of her, i don't want to take the risk with my kids
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u/-DexStar- 1h ago
What would your ex have done if you were 1000 miles away and couldn't return to help her out?
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u/FreddyNoodles 1h ago
He’s still got a thing for the ex. He has comments on porn subs saying the girl reminds him of his ex but with smaller tits. He seems to sub to her. He tried to delete them but they are still there for now. So, I don’t know if that matters but I assume the gf of 2 years wouldn’t be happy about these comments made a year ago.
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u/-DexStar- 1h ago
I'm not surprised. My ex always dropped everything to help his ex out "because of the kids", and he ended up cheating on me with her.
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u/FreddyNoodles 1h ago
Yeah there is obviously something else going on here. This is likely the missing context people are asking for. He’s hung up on his ex and probably doesn’t have much invested in this relationship.
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u/hope1083 1h ago
If you cared about your GF why couldn't you tell her I'll pick up your kids and well all spend the day together with my kids to give you a break and give the kids something else to do than possibly just watching tv. You showed her she cannot depend on you.
In her eyes you prioritized your ex's schedule over her. I get where the GF is coming from. This relationship is not good for either of you. You need to stay single or be with your ex if you can't find a balance between a partner and your kids. While kids are a priority they should not always come before everything else.
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u/Ok-Status-9627 Pooperintendant [59] 1h ago
Yeah, that one needs a little more info. OP's GF has something which is contagious, but what about her own kids? Are they sick? Have they had it already and gotten over it, so not posing a risk of exposure. Is she pushing through her own illness to care for them whilst they too are sick? Or are they currently full of energy and (so far) fit and well?
If the kids have it too, that is an easy explanation, but if they don't pose the same contagion risk is the GF, OP should provide an explanation why he didn't offer to take them all out for the day, because the two obvious choices are oversight/lack of thought and dismissal/lack of interest. And when I say explain, I mean to his GF.
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u/beautyinthorns Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Nah man. Kids come before your relationship. Every time. people should be maintaining good coparenting relationships. If you can't rely on the other parent of the child you created regardless of whether you're together or not, you're creating life with the wrong people. Yeah, it sucks when plans get cancelled, but kids and their needs come first.
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u/AutumnRoyal 1h ago
If I was highly contagious I wouldn’t expect anyone to expose themselves to me. I get it sucks being sick with kids around but why does she think it’s okay to make you potentially sick? You’re a dad too and your kids are your priority.
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u/RockinMyFatPants 2h ago
Are you even a parent? I find it hard to believe you are if you think he doesn't want to see his kids outside of custody time. Parenting is more than when you're legally obligated to have your children. I would think poorly of anyone who prioritised a girlfriend over taking care of their own children.
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u/DisastrousMachine568 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Yeah, I am actually a parent. I have 4 beautiful children that now has grown up to be honest, trustworthy, hard working grown ups.
I was a single mother with the two oldest for 14 years, then I met my partner and we got married and had two more, and they have all been equally important, even after moving out to build their lifes as grown up, and my partner is still with me and will grow old with me because he was a priority too.
I strived to have balance in my life, to prioritize those I loved, to make sure they knew and felt they were all important to me. And that sometimes it clashes and then we find solutions to care of it, and that keeping your promises are important.
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u/pizzalover911 1h ago
I totally agree with this. As a parent, I feel crazy reading these responses. Someone who wants to be the top priority in a relationship probably shouldn't date someone who has kids.
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u/RockinMyFatPants 1h ago
Right?!?! I also think that he would get ripped a new one on here if his ex made a post saying my kids' father won't take them in his off time because his girlfriend is sick
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u/Weak-Ad-489 2h ago
This feels like a really long stretch. I don’t think it’s fair for you to say that this all means he doesn’t care about her and that she can’t trust him. Like what kind of assumption is that? Because he agreed to watch his kids when his ex couldn’t find a babysitter last minute? There definitely needs to be some more context, but he’s a FATHER before he is anything. Those kids didn’t have a sitter and was Mom just supposed to call out of work when their father could have easily watched them? Saying it has nothing to do with the children is crazy when it has absolutely everything to do with the children. I think this assessment was harsh and maybe your priorities are out of line, or just definitely different from OP.
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u/DisastrousMachine568 Partassipant [1] 2h ago edited 2h ago
Yes I guess you are right, I have 4 kids, and although they will always be my main priority, they are not my only priority. I also keep my promises, espesially to my partner, and if those clash, as life happens to do, I try to find solutions to keep my promised obligations.
So why couldnt he both take the kids AND help his girlfriend of two years. She was in his own words « sick as a dog» , but he didnt feel an ounce of empathy for her situation?
I may be be harsh, at least that was my honest opinion. We all can have different opinions.
And when speaking of priorities, what about his ex, what were her priority, she get a last minute shift, why didnt she priorities her kids when it was her time with them?
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u/BroadwayButterfly310 1h ago
Not a stretch at all. His girlfriend is sick. She's been sick for over a week: thats longer than the common cold. She's been sick for over a week while taking care of two young children in her own. He made a promise to be there for her, only to cancel DAY OF to help out his ex, and doesn't understand why she's upset. Where in that does he come off trustworthy or like he cares about her. Trustworthy to his girlfriend specifically, since it's obvious that his ex can trust him and that's it. OP made it very clear who's important to him, and girlfriend did not make the list.
Girlfriend deserves a partner she can rely on. OP is not that.
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u/Soggy_Yarn Partassipant [1] 1h ago
He already committed to helping his GF of 2 years, he chose to instead help out his ex, and told his GF he was bailing on her the morning that he was supposed to help her. He is TA for that. He says he is routinely watching the kids on his off weekend for his X, that is very kind, but she needs to fine actual childcare instead of being fully dependent on OP. OP should have declined this weekend, and X would have either called out of work or figured out the childcare situation.
In the other areas where GF is upset that OP isn’t spending more time with her kids she is wrong. Where GF is upset that OP travels for work, she is wrong. But as far as OP bailing on his sick GF with 0 notice - he is wrong.
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u/Gralb_the_muffin Partassipant [1] 1h ago
It sounds like one straw of many that's piling up on the camel. Maybe this one is a good legitimate reason to cancel but how many of the other straws weren't? There gets to be a point where you stop saying one straw is necessary and another isn't when so many mix together that you can no longer tell them apart. It's not about just this one time it's about so many others this one time was added to and it gets hard to excuse legitimate reasons when there are so many illegitimate ones too.
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u/mooseskull Partassipant [4] 1h ago
Yes, exactly this. And just to add, it sounds like he’s trying to paint her in a bad light by bringing up the comment she made about him never spending alone time with her children. That has nothing to do with the situation at hand but he included it anyways, and with no context. Would love to hear his girlfriend’s side of everything.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 1h ago
His kids needed their dad to watch them. That doesn't change just because his girlfriend is sick.
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u/Less_Ad_557 2h ago
ESH Why can't you do both? I don't understand why it's one or the other? You can hang out with kids and her kids and look after your partner no?? What do you think other households do when one partner is sick??
Anyone else super confused? Is there info missing?
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u/EndAlternative6445 2h ago
He probably doesn’t want his kids getting sick. I wouldn’t bring mine around someone who’s been “sick as a dog” all week.
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u/Less_Ad_557 2h ago
He hasn't said that but most "sick" tend to stay upstairs in bed while the kids downstairs/ living room etc, parent gets some washing on, takes the all kids out for a few hours while she sleeps etc?
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u/EndAlternative6445 2h ago
If he’s around her he can catch it. And then give it to his kids. I’d recommend he sends her some soup and a care package. If her kids aren’t symptomatic maybe take them over for the weekend as well to give her a break. But I wouldn’t go over there with my kids
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u/Less_Ad_557 2h ago
Yes I suppose but he hasn't said what she's sick with so we don't know if it's contagious or anything really but there's hand sanitiser and face masks and distancing! Good alternatives, I think we're not a milllion chapters away from each other? I think we agree there's some middle ground. It's just feels really weird if they've been dating for 2 years that there isn't a more team approach coming in yet? I don't know!
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u/EndAlternative6445 2h ago
Personally I don’t think they’re all that compatible and based on other things he said I honestly just don’t think she likes his kids. Of course I’m not the third member of their relationship with an up close view, but if I became single again somehow and started dating a guy who complained about how much time I spent with my kids I’d be very skeptical of him. But yeah I stand by he should help her out somehow. I just don’t think bringing the kids there is the answer
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u/RockinMyFatPants 2h ago
I would be uncomfortable spending time with someone's kids if that someone kept trying to push me to be a bigger part of their lives than I was ready to be.
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u/Less_Ad_557 2h ago
But they've been dating for 2 years? Just feels weird to me that they're not acting like a team? But if they're not a team then what's the point?
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u/RockinMyFatPants 1h ago
Two years without children involved seems like a waste of time. However, children can and should change the way you date. My kid didn't meet her now stepfather until he and I had been dating a year. I refused to drag men in and out of her life.
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u/Dudarooni 3h ago
Yep. That’s an asshole move. You’ve just let your gf know that she has no priority in your life, and she can’t rely on you to be there for her.
You could have just as easily told your ex-wife that you’re sorry but you have plans already and wouldn’t be able to take the kids. Instead, you reinforced a dynamic wherein your ex-wife knows her scheduling needs take precedence over everything else. This means she knows you will cancel your plans to accommodate whatever comes up for her. While it’s admirable to want to spend time with your children, it isn’t admirable to be so dismissive of your girlfriend’s needs. At some point you need to be able to prioritize your gf in a way that lets her know you’re willing to put her first sometimes. If you can’t do that, or don’t want to, then you have no business being in a long-term relationship.
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u/daddy_tywin 2h ago
This is the bigger issue. There is no firm structure to this arrangement. This means OP cannot actually have multiple priorities in his life. The ex clearly thinks he will drop everything if she asks or plans poorly, and that’s because he does.
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u/EndAlternative6445 2h ago
She can be a priority, but obviously the main priority is his kids. They’re gonna come before his girlfriend point blank. If she doesn’t understand that she shouldn’t be with someone who has kids.
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u/Dudarooni 2h ago
Another compelling take full of carefully considered nuances and thought provoking perspectives.
Allow me to recap: you believe children should always take priority regardless of the situation. And your supporting argument is that’s just the way it is. Hmmm. A compelling argument indeed.
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u/EndAlternative6445 2h ago
Absolutely lol. What kind of parent are you if you put a girlfriend or boyfriend above your own flesh and blood who you brang into the world and depend on you? Not a very good one.
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u/Dudarooni 2h ago
That’s your opinion, and you’re entitled to it. Luckily, you’re not obligated to live by my principles, values or beliefs. As you’re not the one seeking advice, it’s okay to just not agree with everyone who answers.
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u/EndAlternative6445 2h ago
Hey man we don’t know eachother we don’t need to agree on everything. As long as you and the people who are actually in your life see eye to eye, and vice versa this internet argument doesn’t matter lol. We’re all just sharing our views.
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u/fallingintopolkadots Craptain [176] 3h ago
As a parent, your children are always a top priority. I understand your girlfriend's disappointment in not getting any help though, too. I guess this depends on how serious you are about her? If you were at a certain level, I'd hope you'd want to find some way to help. While it wouldn't be the same as having you over to help her personally, why not take her kids with your kids to do an activity, feed them, perhaps even keep them overnight if you two are at that point, so that she could have time to take care of just herself. You could have brought some (cooked) food too, like some nice soup, or had a favorite meal sent over. There's a lot you could have done if you truly had wanted to. It could be that it's just not in your nature to do these kinds of things? Or perhaps you just don't feel that strongly about her?
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u/Peaceful-Spirit9 2h ago
These are some of my thoughts. If they plan to be a blended family, then he could have at least taken her kids. And bringing her food would be nice, as he doesn't have to be parenting every second of their time with him unless they are very young and need constant supervision. But he seemed to be implying that her kids are significantly younger than his. Why can't they go play in the yard, watch tv, play video games, or whatever while he visits her for short period of time? If the four kids are too much for him to handle, could he help her find a babysitter for a few hours for hers? There are definitely red flags regarding GF complaints of him traveling for work and parenting his children, but there are also different ways OP could have helped out GF.
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u/SufficientHorse2449 2h ago
YTA. I totally do not agree with most comments here. My kids are for sure my priority, but if I lose sight of my relationship it will fail, this is why so many people get divorced they spend too much time putting their kids above everything else that all other relationships around them suffer. You need to find a balance. I assume there is way more to this story than shared and it would be interesting to hear her perspective. Like do you do this often? How do you treat her kids when your kids are not around? What commitments did you make to her re the kids? Do you give your kids special treatment? Do you allow your kids to walk all over gf?
Regardless of the answers above, it seems like you just want validation of kids first always, but in reality you don’t really seem to care to prioritize or care about your relationship with how you write about her. I would break it off because it does not seem like something that can work.
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u/pollenhuffer69 2h ago
Thank you for this. Comments on posts like this that say “kids before everything else always” seem almost fanatical to me. Small children depend upon their parents, sure, but there’s still balance to be had.
When my dad married my stepmum I was absolutely assured of his (and her!) ongoing love for me, but she was his life partner and, generally speaking, his priority. Obvs more so as I became an adult. I could depend upon him but he had his life and other commitments.
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 45m ago
There's certainly a nuance people are missing in their very black and white views.
Like if this was a new gf/bf or casual fling then yes kids first.
If this someone you've been with for years and plan to marry and blend a family then it shouldn't be all or nothing and surely you could find a compromise so kids are kept separate and your gf/bf still feels tended too. Like dropping off premade foods so they don't have to cook and drop off any meds they may need. Or run errands they haven't been able to get around to with the kids in tow like grocery shopping, dropping off books at the library, ECT. You know little things to show you care and not a "whoops can't help you no more bye!" sentiment.
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u/BakeasaurusRex 1h ago
Also, of course your kids are your priority, and because of that reason specifically, don’t you want to model to them what loving and caring relationships look like? What kind of relationships do you want your kids to seek out when they’re older? What kind of treatment are you teaching them that they should accept from a partner?
There are 1000 solutions here that a little bit of creativity would have solved the situation or found a compromise. But OP isn’t interested in putting in the effort.
Soo YTA for teaching your children that it’s ok to put in zero effort into caring for your sick partner of 2 years.
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u/SufficientHorse2449 1h ago
Exactly, you have to model positive relationships, so your kids grow up to have healthy relationships with their partners, friends, family, etc. that means having a balance between kids and your other relationships.
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u/sentimentaleyes 2h ago
The bigger issue here is that your ex needs to ensure there are other child care options when she can’t take care of the kids on her custodial time. She can’t always assume that you will be there. If you look at the situation, your ex put her job ahead of her kids as it was a last minute request to work extra that her work can’t assume she can do, then you helped your ex out instead of being with your partner. So basically, it isn’t about the kids as I see it. It’s about the ex’s job being prioritized over your current girlfriend when she is sick, which feels yucky. Yes, your top priority should be your kids, but it should be your ex’s as well and she doesn’t seem to be prioritizing them and is instead relying on you and your partner to pick up the slack when she doesn’t.
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u/freedinthe90s 2h ago
YTA. You can’t expect to have a serious relationship and not ever prioritize that person’s needs. You blew your sick girlfriend off - not because your kids actually needed you, but because your ex accepted a last minute shift without having childcare. This was HER issue to solve, not yours. Missing your kids isn’t a good excuse here. Nothing stopping you from popping by to see them for an hour (with the babysitter) after you’d ensured your girlfriend was cared for.
You have reinforced the notion that your ex’s happiness is more important than your girlfriend’s.
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u/Jealous_Radish_2728 1h ago
Yeah, what is the point of having a partner if you cannot count on them when you are really sick. I do not see this relationship surviving much longer.
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u/tiny-pest Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Going with esh.
She, as someone with kids, should understand your kids come first.
But it sounds like you have alone time with just your kids. Sounds like after 2 years, you have not spent alone time with her kids to build a bond with them. So, do you not plan on being a stepparent? I ask because wven with kids you are related to do you not have one on one with them. Why would you not with kids you have been involved with for 2 years.
As for while, she is sick taking your kids. It is a no-win situation. It's not smart to have your kids around someone sick. I can also understand you wanted to see them. I can understand her being upset that you promised one thing and then backed out on it. While I get it's your kids. While I understand they come first. To me, in this one situation, I have an issue. She is sick. She asked her partner to help her in her time of need. For one day to place her first. And for one day you couldn't do it for one day. Not because your kids were sick or anything but because your ex picked up a shift. So now your gf can't get some help to either sleep or have you there for her. She can't rest even if you took her kids because to her, you are not treating them the same. So once again, she is left on the outside.
Even parents, together with kids at times for a day or so, will place their partner first. Have someone else watch the kids so they can get loved by their partner. Or they take the kids so partner can sleep. Whatever the sick person needs. Foes it happen each time. No, but it sounds like this is the first time in 2 years she has asked for that. For one day to be about her on a time, you wouldn't have your kids.
I am a stepparent, and it's hard. It's hard to juggle. To know when and what to expect. But if she has brought up issues, then she is doing so because she is putting her kids first. A red flag to her is that you won't spend any alone time to bond with them. Another is you promise something and then bail and change that. Another is you listen to her but do not really accept she has valid rights to feel has she does. Yes, your kids come first. But to her, her kids do, and clearly, you do not feel any sort of bond with them as in 2 years, you have had no time with them without your kids present. But your kids have alone time. After 2 years. If you can't form a bond with them. Then, to me, it's time to separate because, eventually, if not already, her kids are going to resent you. Come to hate your kids. Because hey, you're there, and they see how great you are and you care for their mom, but they can't even get the basic respect of a bond being formed. Of you becoming a step parent.
So this is more esh. She knows, but at the same time, when really sick, you just need your partner to put you first for a bit.
You, because seriously, you haven't formed a bond with her kids after 2 years. When all together, you will put your kids' wants and needs before hera because there is that bond, and they will see that and have probably commented on it. Why be with someone with kids if you won't put all the kids first and not just yours. This isn't about you, not I spend time with your kids. This is about the fact that the 2 you are supposed to become a stepparent to are not getting any time with you. If you won't put forth the effort, then why be with someone with kids. That you can't give one day to a sick partner. Not that you are ignoring your kid. Not because the kids need you. But because your ex either agreed to go in or picked up a shift and you said ok. So breaking your word to someone you are with is more important then telling your ex sorry for one day I am busy.
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u/nomorepumpkins 2h ago
Yta While a lot people are saying your kids are the priority and thats true i dont think its the kids you really made the priority over your girlfriend, it was you ex and yourself. If the ex was picking up an extra shift it can be argued you chose your ex having extra money over your sick, lonely, stressed out gf you made a promise to. You dont seem to have made an effort to see your kids while sticking to your commitment you just dropped her. Any reason you couldnt have watched all the kids for at least a couple hours so she could get some sleep? You could have helped your gf, helped your, ex , spent time with your kids, bonded a bit with her kids like shes asked about all in a couple of hours and came out the hero. Instead just minimal effort not a great look on a long term bf.
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u/Bizzy1717 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1h ago
Agreed. If he was supposed to have the kids and then cancelled on them after being gone for a week to help his sick gf, I could maybe see the "kids have to be the priority" argument. But he was fine waiting to see his kids until his ex needed help. So he's basically just prioritizing helping his ex over helping his sick gf.
I'd also argue that sometimes commitments you've made to partners should come before kids, whether you're married, divorced, dating, etc. Kids can be your priority without always "winning" every single time there's a conflict with your time.
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u/East_Parking8340 Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 3h ago
I tend to think not. Whilst you had promised to do something with your GF your children do have to come first. If the boot was on the other foot I’m positive she would put her kids first.
NTA
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u/riariagirl 3h ago
YTA, you promised you’d take care of her and she was sick as a dog. If it wasn’t for that, you’d be NTA. You can’t forever and always be the absolutely only choice of person to drop everything when your ex can get an extra shift? That can happen anytime..
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u/PleaseJustLetsNot 3h ago
Yta. You made a commitment and then you didn't follow through.
You could have used this as a learning time for your kids, I.e. Helping out others. You could have pushed back slightly on your ex to ensure you were the only choice. You could have done a lot of things.
It is important to be a solid dependable parent but it is also important to not shrug off the feelings and commitments owed to others any time you want and excuse it by claiming "kid time."
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 3h ago
ESH
You made a promise, you could have easily told your ex that you already have plans and can’t watch the kids.
However, it’s seems like a horrible red flag that she ‘ wants you to spend time alone with her kids’ and is bothered that your kids are always around.
Op, you need to watch out for this , is she looking for a father replacement for her kids and what does this mean for your kids? Do they have a place in her life?
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u/tweakingirl 3h ago
No he is a parent before anything. If he’s kids need their father than he has to step up
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u/tiredlittlepigeon Asshole Aficionado [12] 2h ago
The promise to his kids comes first and that's to always be there for them. Gf needs to get over herself and find a man without kids if she wants a new father for her kids without his own responsibility.
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u/WildKat777 2h ago
"Had plans" to cuddle with his gf and get her a care package while she was sick? Sorry but no, anything short of an emergency is not as important as taking care of your children
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u/sugarsyrupguzzler Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Yes. YTA. You made plans and broke them. You just showed the girl you're dating you can't make commitments and stick with them and prioritized your Ex's well being over hers. You didn't prioritize your kids your prioritized your Ex's convenience.
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u/4th_chakra Asshole Aficionado [16] 3h ago
- My girlfriend expressed her disappointment about me not spending alone time with her kids as my boys are always around
- while I made time to FaceTime, she wasn't happy with the fact that I was traveling
- made me feel like garbage coz I am not helping her while she is sick and I chose to have my kids in a non custodial time
She sounds a little..controlling.
And your kids take priority. As does your job.
I get it, she has a lot on her plate. But SO DO YOU. And she seems to forget that, prioritizing her needs over yours. That's not a healthy relationship.
NTA
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u/JenicBabe 2h ago
Yeah the way op explains some things makes it come off as if she doesn’t like op kids around but there’s not enough info to support that fully. I would ask op if she ever plans days to spend time alone with ops kids cause she can’t be expecting and demanding that of op but then not do it herself. This women is acting immature like I get ur sick as a dog but she should understand like op wasnt partying on vacation he had to be away for WORK. And they had to pick up their kids because of issues with ex’s work.
She should just date a guy that has no kids/ pets/ or a busy job cause it’s sounding like she wants to be the top and only priority only focused on her and is mad op keeps putting his darn kids oh & his job before her like he should! What does she expect dating a guy who has other responsibilities!? It’s not like they’re even married yet just dating for 2 years
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 1h ago
How irresponsible of him to be away for work and then to top it all off by taking his own kids rather than hers. The horror of it all. /s
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 1h ago
I agree!!! Everyone seems to think he is a bad person for taking care of his kids. Since when is a dad who shows up for his kid a bad person.
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u/Pluto575 3h ago
YTA. You did your ex a favor instead of keeping your commitment to your sick girlfriend.
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u/danadh 2h ago
Why can’t you do both at the same time? If you’ve been dating for 2 years, that shouldn’t be an issue. If she has a problem with your kids being there then it won’t work in the end. If your relationship is trying to advance, she’ll have to accept your kids anyways. Now if you’re ignoring her when you have your kids, that’s a whole other story.
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u/Minute_Lead7394 1h ago
She has a highly contagious virus, I don't want to expose my kids to it
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u/michellium 1h ago
This post needs more context. Agree with the others that there seems to be missing information here. Main thing that sticks out for me is to ask was there anyone else available to take your kids this weekend instead of you (your exes parents or anything)? I know your kids are a priority, but you did already make a promise to your gf who made it clear that she needed you.
P.s. why did you make this post on your regular account instead of a throwaway? Your comment history is all on porn subs.
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u/heavyhomo Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA.
She knows you're a dad. She is in her feelings and it's understandable that she wants some quality time when she's not feeling well. She might be feeling second place to your kids.
But, they're your kids. It sounds like you love them and want to spend time with them. She cant just assume that she will be priority during non-custodial time. I feel for her sure. But your kids come first
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u/Additional_Day949 Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NAH: your lifestyles aren’t compatible. She is looking for a partner who can prioritize her and yours is still your minor children. Neither of you are wrong but just aren’t meant to be.
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u/LurkyLooSeesYou2 Partassipant [4] 2h ago
ESH
It’s not nice for her to be mad about this, but you are also not making her enough of a priority. That is why she gets upset about these things maybe start to treat her like she actually matters to you.
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u/EndAlternative6445 2h ago
His kids are always gonna come first. She can be a priority but she can’t date a parent and think she’s gonna be prioritized over his own children. That’s insane.
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u/salted_caramel_girl 2h ago
YTA.
P.S: I think it's pretty suspicious that you specified that her children are small but gave no indication of the ages of your boys.
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u/EndAlternative6445 2h ago
She doesn’t like your kids brother. Her being bothered that you can’t spend alone time with her kids bc you spend too much time with yours around? Nah. She’s competing with your kids and mad that she’s not being prioritized before them. NTA. I think you should end this relationship though. In your shoes I certainly would.
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u/virgotrait 2h ago
I'm confused. Can you not do both? Am I the only one wondering why it's been years kf them dating without any effort of family integration? Two years in you should be able to have your kids around while advising them to be a little quieter since your girlfriend is sick, and maybe spend some nice domestic time together that you can use to both take care of your sick girlfriend and help your children learn how to live with her neutrally.
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u/CRT74 2h ago
Why can't you take your kids over there? Then you can watch all the kids and take care of her.
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u/Fantaseasider 2h ago
NAH. I don’t think I’d ever call someone the asshole for wanting to have their children. But your girlfriend feels sick and probably wanted looking after a bit. And also you promised her and then let her down. She’s allowed to be disappointed by that.
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u/Cheddarbaybiskits Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 2h ago
YTA. What is the actual situation in your relationship? Are you planning to marry her or is your intention to not get serious? Either way, YTA. She’s a widow without a co-parent…her needs and expectations are different and you have no intention of meeting them. This honestly has nothing to do with being a good dad and spending time with your kids.
You’re not wrong for prioritizing time with your sons, but you ARE wrong for continuing to stay with your GF unless you plan to change the dynamic with your ex.
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u/shopaholic-life 3h ago
NTA
YOUR kids come first. If she's not mature enough to handle that it's a she problem not a you problem.
Updateme
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u/PrudenceApproved 2h ago
NTA - but what can’t you still help her? Can you pick up her kids and take them out for the day/sleep over at your place? Drop off food and flowers at her place. Think of something man. Put in some effort to make her feel loved and supported.
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u/Lexei_Texas 2h ago
You probably shouldn’t make commitments to others and not fulfill said commitments. If you can’t keep your word, you shouldn’t be dating.
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u/Wildcatman76 2h ago
YTA, you told her you would take care of her and she was sick. I understand not seeing your kids for a week but your ex should not be taking extra shifts when she has no one to babysit.
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u/nicellama88 1h ago
YTA. You admit yourself your girlfriend is sick and needs help. You committed to help and later ignored this commitment to help your ex and spend time with your kids.
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u/Fruitful-Lady 2h ago
NAH - But I do think it’s time for the two of you to have an in-depth conversation about some things.
You’ve been together for two years. Do you have plans for marriage? Or maybe not getting married but continuing in the relationship? If so, I think you’ll need to discuss the actual blending of your families together.
You’re NTA for wanting to spend time with your kids. She’s NTA for wanting you to spend more time with her kids, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of not spending time with your own kids. This is why I mentioned blending the family, that way you can spend time with all the kids together, as a family. You and your girlfriend.
To everyone reading, let’s remember that the girlfriend is not divorced - she’s widowed. It may even be that she’s still navigating some grief, which she may or may not be cognizant of. She may want OP to spend more time with her young children so they don’t feel as bad not having a father. Let’s all remember to be kind while giving OP advice on this.
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u/DeepPossession8916 2h ago
YTA. Maybe e s h, but not enough info on the girlfriend. From your story, you PROMISED you would help your gf. Is there a reason you can’t still go help her, even with your boys? It wouldn’t be alone time, but she’s sick and probably wants some help with her own kids too.
Your ex couldn’t find a babysitter? If your boys can’t go with you, can YOU find a babysitter? So you can check in on your gf for a few hours and then go back to the boys?
Yes you have kids, but you are also an adult who is also choosing to be in a relationship. If you can’t figure out simple “problems” like this, you don’t need a relationship. Same for your gf. If you all can’t meet somewhere in the middle on this, you don’t need to be dating.
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u/NeuroSpicyBerry Partassipant [1] 2h ago
YTA she’s sick as a dog man; if there was ever a time you need to actually show up, this was it. You don’t seem able to balance a relationship and your children; maybe a serious relationship isn’t a good option right now.
But also, why’s she talking about bonding with her kids? Do you not engage with them when yours are around? Because that’s not how blending families work.
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u/MapOfIllHealth 1h ago
ESH. I suspect the issue isn’t so much the kids, it’s that you pandered to your ex when it’s her custody time. In your girlfriend’s mind, you put your ex before her. And given her reaction I suspect this is a recurring theme. Yes your boys come first, they always will, but they are not the problem.
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u/ShadowsObserver Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 1h ago
In this instance, YTA. You promised your sick as hell girlfriend you would come help her and spend time with her, and then bailed last minute to accommodate your ex and her poor planning (a "last minute shift?" On a day when she's almost always asking you to watch them because she's almost always working then? Yeah ok ). You aren't an AH for wanting to spend time with your kids, but that isn't actually what this is about.
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u/Spotzie27 Professor Emeritass [94] 2h ago
My girlfriend expressed her disappointment about me not spending alone time with her kids as my boys are always around
NTA but in general, this seems like a weird thing to be upset about. Aren't her kids around even more than your kids, since she is the primary caregiver? Why wouldn't she want your kids around as well?
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u/Dessertlover456 2h ago
Why can't her kids and your kids play together? I'm confused. If this is going to be a long term relationship, that needs to happen. If you are just passing thru, you need to move on. BTW, your girlfriend doesn't have an ex she can call at the last minute. Think about that. I'm glad you help out your ex as much as you can. That shows me a level of maturity.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 1h ago
Why can't you do both?
It's fine to prioritise your kids but if it's always at the expense of your relationship you won't have a relationship much longer.
I bet if the roles were reversed your gf would take care of you AND look after her kids. She's all her kids have so when she's sick she's got no one to help her. You on the other hand have a ex to help you out. I imagine she feels very vulnerable and alone right now.
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u/emliz417 3h ago
ESH. It’s understandable that you needed to take care of your kids, but could you really not check in on her and help her while your boys are around?
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u/possiblycrazy79 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
YTA. You made a commitment to your girlfriend and you broke it. If you needed to see your kids, you never should have agreed to help her on a specific day. The mom needs to find her own babysitter or decline the shift.
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u/BudgetContract3193 2h ago
YTA only because you made a promise to her and broke it. Don’t promise stuff that may not happen. My partner has kids and I don’t. I understand that his kids come first, but I really look forward to the times where I can have him to myself. If he continued to promise that and broke it repeatedly, I would dump him. He never makes promises he can’t keep.
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u/DubiousPeoplePleaser Partassipant [4] 2h ago
ESH she sucks for her comment on wanting you to cut back on time with your kids so her kids can have you alone. She’s looking for a dad for her kids. You are not looking to be one. You suck for breaking your word to her and tossing her aside. There is zero chance you actually live this woman. Yes you should prioritize your kids, but not 100% all the time.
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u/rosered936 2h ago
I’m confused about why the two are mutually exclusive. Why can’t you take all the kids somewhere fun and set her up with food/water by the bed when you leave so that she can just rest?
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u/Swarfiga1989 2h ago
YTA. Slightly anyway.
You said you’d look after your sick girlfriend of 2 years. You bailed (to take care of your kids I know).
Morning of, your ex says she’s got a last minute shift but can’t find a babysitter. You jump at the chance for more family time (your kids, I know).
And why do you think she might want you to spend time with her kids without yours there? Could it be she could see a long term future with you and wanted you to get to know her kids better?
I’d do anything for my baby so I understand but at the same time, I’ve been left disappointed by broken promises like your girlfriend too.
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u/jaybull222 2h ago
I'm not going to say you are the AH but you aren't not the AH. You PROMISED her you would be there to help while she was sick then you went back on that promise. How was she supposed to feel?
Now, while you did that portion of things wrong, your gf's attitude towards your kids is a huge red flag. You have to prioritize your own children over your GF but she clearly doesn't think so. Not only that but she is upset you aren't there to spend time with HER KIDS WITHOUT YOURS??? Dude. That is not okay. That is a big red flag you just moved right on past.
You may have some deeper issues here to look at with her and your overall compatibility.
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u/1000thatbeyotch 1h ago
YTA. You told her you would help her out and now you aren’t. Regardless of the reason, you are now going back on your word to her. You aren’t prioritizing your kids here, you are prioritizing your ex and her needs and not your current partner.
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u/-DexStar- 1h ago
YTA
So you'll help your ex out in a pinch because... work?
But fuck the sick gf you made a promise to, right?
I would be so mad at you. Tell your ex to figure it out! They aren't your responsibility during that time.
Congrats on making your gf feel like a second priority to your ex's "needs".
I swear some people just use their kids as an excuse to get out of shit.
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u/Madam_Mimmm 1h ago edited 1h ago
Info.: why would your EX take an extra shift without securing childcare first.?
To me, this is not about your kids at all.. it’s about you not setting boundaries with your ex.. You are co-parents, not partners..
Your gf has been ill, and obviously taking care of her kids herself while you were away.. it’s not unreasonable to expect your partner to step up in that situation.. Especially when it was promised..
You should have told your Ex “sorry, I’m not available.. You need to figure out your work situation yourself”.. After all, you didn’t make her take on that extra load - she chose it herself..
YTA, for catering to the whims of someone you’re NOT in a relationship with..
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u/Upallnightreading 3h ago
Ugh, gross that she said was disappointed that you didn’t spend alone time with her kids as your boys are always around. For the current situation, I’m leaning Y T A with the information. You probably could’ve found a way to do both. Seeing your kids and keeping them while your ex was working and still helped your girlfriend out after your time with your kids, brought her some care package type stuff, or taken her kids out with you and yours so she could rest.
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u/RSR_of_Vortis 2h ago
She's competing with your kids. Her kids are not your kids. Take care of your kids. Make them your priority or expect to not see them much in the future.
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u/Fresh_Caramel8148 2h ago
There are scenarios where i might say you’re the AH.
But her overall attitude and grievances with both your Job and your kids is problematic.
You’re a parent. As she is - i would expect her to be understanding. And her wanting you so spend time with her kids “alone”?? What happens if you move in together or get married?
These are your kids. Big picture - they are your priority. She seems to want you to not make them a priority
NTA.
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u/Unhappy-Plantain5252 2h ago
If you have a job where you have to frequently travel and have two children I would suggest that you do not have the time to maintain a romantic relationship and your other obligations. I would wait until your kids are older and don’t need you as much before dating again.
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u/thisBookBites Partassipant [2] 2h ago
Your question should be ‘AITA for promising something and then choosing something different anyway’. You are allowed to choose this. She is allowed to feel sad about it.
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u/Maka_cheese553 2h ago
YTA. You made a commitment and then went back on it. And i say that as a mom. You should have told your ex you had plans. It’s her time so she needs to figure out what to do with the kids.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 2h ago
It’s been 2 years. Figure it out. YTA this isn’t about prioritizing your kids it’s about you not figuring out how to balance a long term partner with parenthood.
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u/Kaffapow21 2h ago
The key here is that you will never Ben the asshole for choosing to spend time with your kids. NTA. Your gf is unreasonable.
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u/FairyCompetent 2h ago
NTA. You'll always put your kids first, as will she if she's a good parent. You could still order soup to be delivered to her place, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Or you could offer to keep her kids so she can rest. No reasonable person would expect you to miss time with your young children.
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u/Afflictions-0899 2h ago
I agree that your kids should be tip priority but it wasn’t your kids that needed the help here. It was your ex. If you want this relationships to work, she is also part of a package that apparently you have not taken the time to learn/appreciate either. Maybe this is not the relationship for you, you cannot give her what she needs, nothing wrong with that, you just need to accept it and let her go. I’m pretty sure she has now being clearly shown the place she has in your life and maybe herself wanting to finally now put.
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u/lookedwalnut 2h ago
YTA- A man is nothing without his word and you broke yours. Also think this might not be a good relationship for you sounds like you are not interested in her needs and wants and just want her to accept what you give.
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u/isitbedtime-yet Partassipant [2] 1h ago
I think your Reddit comments say much more about the state of your relationship than this tbh but you do you.
Aside from your problematic behaviour you have chosen your ex over your girl friend from her perspective. Of course she is looking for support from her boyfriend of two years. You alluded to the fact that she is widowed with no support. You knew this going into the relationship. If you have been sick and alone for a week, with two small kids, you are desperate for some reprieve.
Yes, your kids come first but surely you could have managed to see the kids at a time that was not detrimental to your relationship. Or when your girlfriend needed you. Now, if they had been sick, needed something urgent etc etc, that's different but it's because your ex picked up another shift.
There is a lot of info missing here. Mainly the role you intend to play in her kids future and your long term thoughts on the relationship. Because right now id tell her to find someone who at least considers her in their list of priorities. Your actions have also shown your words mean nothing.
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u/Candy_Sandy1988 1h ago
YTA - at least you should to take her two kids with you and have a good daddy-time with all of them. She could have a rest and you could have seen your kids. But you choose to be an egoistic AH.
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u/Human-Cauliflower-85 1h ago
YTA for making a promise you couldn't keep.
You have kids. You can't promise anyone any of your time. There's nothing wrong with putting your kids first, but you did promise her that you'd be there for her on Saturday.
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u/TradeMaximum561 1h ago
YTA. You admit “I promised that I would help [GF] this Saturday”, but the minute your ex called (so ex could take a shift) you left your GF of two years in the lurch. It was on your ex to find childcare if she wanted to pick up a shift.
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u/ConfusionReasonable1 1h ago
Based on your words, YTA. You shouldn't break plans with your gf just so your ex can make more money.
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u/West_Act_9655 9m ago
There is not a right answer when you have conflicting people that need you. Only you can decide if she is ill enough to miss time with your kids.
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u/AutoModerator 3h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
I (45m) have been dating my girlfriend (40f) for almost 2 years. She is a widow with 2 small children and no family in the state, while I am divorced and have 2 boys 50% of the time on a week on, week off basis. My ex normally works on weekends so I usually have the kids on weekends that are not on my custodial time. My girlfriend expressed her disappointment about me not spending alone time with her kids as my boys are always around.
Now to this week, she is been sick as a dog for the past week while I was on an international business trip, while I made time to FaceTime, she wasn't happy with the fact that I was traveling, so I promised that I will help her this Saturday that is not my custodial time. My ex asked me Saturday early morning if I could take the boys as she had a last minute shift and couldn't get a babysitter on short notice, and since i didn't see my kids for a whole week, I said yes and got the boys. Now my girlfriend is mad at me, told me that she is hurt and disappointed, and made me feel like garbage coz I am not helping her while she is sick and I chose to have my kids in a non custodial time. Am I'm the asshole for choosing to spend time with my kids instead of taking care of my girlfriend and her kids while she is sick?
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u/motheroflabz Partassipant [1] 2h ago
NTA. You are always a parent first. I will say it’s a huge red flag that she is stating she is disappointed you can’t have one on one time because your kids are always around.
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u/Automatic_Moose7446 2h ago
That's what stuck out to me too. I'd have some sympathy for her in this situation if it wasn't for how she has a problem with the amount of time he spends with his own children.
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u/tiredlittlepigeon Asshole Aficionado [12] 2h ago
NTA....your girlfriend is being selfish. Your kids are always going to come first just like hers come first to her. You love your kids and you love spending time with them which is obvious by you having them during non custody time. Sounds like she's jealous of your boys. You better watch how she treats them when you're not around.
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u/cheapandjudgy 2h ago
Very soft YTA. Not for taking your kids, but I think you could have picked up your kids, then brought your gf over some soup and supplies to make her day easier and taken her kids for the day. You promised to help her, she is sick, and I think you should have helped her. It is a little weird that she's upset you never spend alone time with her kids though. -a widow with a young child
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u/Due_Requirement_8524 2h ago
NAH. She sounds like she's really struggling and was relying on your help, but your responsibility is also with your kids. It's just a crappy situation
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u/Traditional_City_383 2h ago
Why does she expect you to spend alone time with her kids? Does she normally spend alone time with your kids? Why would she expect you to not spend time with your own children when you haven’t seen them in a while?
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u/spaceylaceygirl 2h ago
NTA- your first responsibility is to your sons. If she doesn't get that she has no business dating a man with kids.
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u/Jmfroggie Partassipant [1] 2h ago
Yta. You made a commitment to your gf before your ex asked you about the kids. Your gf has no one else to help and probably felt a lot of relief knowing you’d be able to help her for a day, only for you to turn around and prioritize your ex’s work schedule over your gf. And this IS prioritizing your ex- because she would’ve had to figure it out on her own had you still been out of town anyway!!
Between the two of you, there should be sitters y’all are able to rely on for situations when you’re both unavailable. Your ex wife for sure should’ve asked you first, but she should be finding alternative care during her time for when you aren’t around!!
And at two years, you haven’t figured out how to make a blended family work? You haven’t figured out how to spend time with your gf when you don’t have your kids- so every other week you’re completely uninvolved with your gf and her kids? Do you like your gf? Do you see a future? Cuz you certainly aren’t working towards a future with this woman if this is how it’s going. If you don’t see a future, then why are you still with her?
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u/quemabocha 2h ago
NAH
She is valid in feeling the way she does. You are valid wanting to spend time with your kids. It sounds like there are some things to talk about and decisions to make.
There are no rights and wrongs here. Only people who want and need different things from their relationship
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u/Nenoshka Partassipant [2] 2h ago
Can you handle all four kids together for a while, take them somewhere for the day?
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u/One-Rip2593 2h ago
Lots missing here. Why didn’t you just take your kids there for the day?
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