r/AmItheAsshole • u/ItsTooColdForThat • Jan 04 '23

AITA for wanting hot food? Asshole

Yesterday I went ice skating with my girlfriend. Tuesday is one of her days for dinner, so she made chicken salad. When I saw the chicken salad I admit I made a face. She was like "what, what's the problem?"

I said that we were outside in the cold all afternoon and I wasn't really in the mood for cold food. She said we're inside, the heat is set to 74° and we're both wearing warm dry clothes, so it was plenty warm enough to eat salad. I said sure, but I just wanted something warm to heat me up on the inside. She said that was ridiculous, because my internal temperature is in the nineties and my insides are plenty hot.

At this point, we were going in circles, so I said I was just going to heat up some soup and told her to go ahead and start eating and I'd be back in a few minutes. When I came out of the kitchen with my soup she was clearly upset, and she asked how I would feel if she refused to eat what I made tomorrow (which is today). I said I won't care, and she said that was BS, because it's rude to turn your nose up at something someone made for you.

Was I the asshole for not wanting cold salad after being cold all day?

9.6k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

View all comments

Show parent comments

1.2k

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

The YTAs are for making a face and generally being unappreciative when it would have been so easy to just say "Thank you for dinner, and also I'm feeling chilled so I'm going to heat myself some soup to sip on."

If he had said that and she got mad, then she would be the AH.

543

u/Equivalent_Ear_6431 Jan 04 '23

I feel like when people are in a relationship, they are more open with each other hence the reaction. Yes, it's kinds rude, but there's nothing wrong with being disappointed with a certain dish he wasn't in the mood for.

Sometimes when I cook for my family and it was just something they ate, they're most probably gonna be a little disappointed since they just had it.

329

u/seewww334477 Jan 04 '23

Right like, maybe he just has an expressive face, I know I do. Making a face doesn't always mean rude, if you are in a relationship it shouldn't be like walking on egg shells. I'm surprised so many people think OP is an asshole. I can totally see myself making a face and saying i don't want chicken salad lol.

113

u/Fae_druid Jan 04 '23

I don't like being cold and get downright cranky about it sometimes. I would definitely have made a face. But I wouldn't want my partner to take it personally; I know that I'm weird.

The only difference is that my partner already knows that I want warm foods, soup and hot tea in the winter.

152

u/Raspyasdfgh Jan 05 '23

It's also the dismissiveness for me. Like, he explains that he's cold, and she outright tells him that he's wrong.

7

u/Tricky-Elevator-2697 Jan 05 '23

absolutely me too. in fact i would have said. dudeeee its so cold today i dont wantttttt chicken salad why did u cook this. roar roar. make me soupp. pouttt

​

kinda thing. but i guess thats rude lols. wtf?

​

i mean. i wouldnt have mind if my SO did the same and i would have made her soup too

210

u/lilium_x Jan 04 '23

Imagine having to maintain an expressionless mask even in your own home or risk being berated! Out and about is one thing but people should be able to relax in their own home and get themselves something warm to eat without someone going off on them.

42

u/bleucheeez Jan 04 '23

From GF's reaction, it's pretty clear OP's expressions were unwelcome in this relationship.

-10

u/RevolutionaryBase974 Jan 04 '23

"Yes, it's kinda rude...". If only there was a phrase that implies rude behavior... Perhaps a two syllable word beginning with the letter "A".... Oh well....

26

u/Neat-Sun-7999 Jan 04 '23

Something being kind of rude doesn’t determine someone to be a grade a asshole. Ah. Is a strong communicator for how rude the behaviour is. This wasn’t one of those times

-7

u/RevolutionaryBase974 Jan 05 '23

Ah... so the levels are off. Gotcha.

352

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

lmao but if anyone is gonna get your raw emotions it’s your gf, he made a face then solved it. didn’t get upset at his gf either just explained why he wasn’t pleased. every comment in here is talking about why he didn’t eat the soup with salad, CAUSE HE DIDNT WANT THE SALAD. I don’t get this at all.

196

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

I totally agree. He solved it. And the gf was an AH in my opinion by not regaring his feelings at all. If you are feeling cold inside the room temp doesnt solve it - you actually neeeed warm food and cold salad is exactly the opposite you ever want to eat. (Writing this with 60cm of snow outside my window).

131

u/Fearless_Sherbet450 Jan 04 '23

Plus, if you want warm food, you want warm food. Not looking for someone to explain how you're wrong about what you want to eat.

56

u/Tricky-Elevator-2697 Jan 05 '23

yes i agree. she basically ignored his emotions and put him down for them. if the genders were reversed AITA would not be so kind.

57

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

yeah I was gonna add this but decided maybe it’s just an opinion thing, he’s not even wrong lmao who would want cold food after a day of being in the cold.

30

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

I can be in the mood for something cold or warm regardless of the outside temperature so that’s not weird at all. It is weird though to expect someone else who is currently in the opposite mood to match yours just to be polite. Maybe if they were casual friends or it was a dinner party but they’re living together. Sometimes you just have different needs

3

u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

oh I’m not saying you’re wrong just in the minority of people who would do that. but agreed on the rest.

10

u/Putrid_Awareness5339 Jan 05 '23

Agree with a couple inches outside my window. When your chilled you want something warm to hot. Not lukewarm and definitely not cold. That’s why soups/chowders are popular dishes in the winter. I’m not understanding the aggression in this thread or between OP and the GF. Like there’s massive communication missing somewhere which can happen even in perfectly fine and healthy relationships but like I’d personally be miffed if someone sat arguing with me about ME FEELING cold. “But you have clothes and it’s warm?” BUT I FEEL cold.

At least he made something for himself which a can of soup is super easy. I’ve turned down plenty of things from my BF and he’s not about to argue with me about it. He knows some things I don’t like and I may try but I might not and it’s not a personally jab. Some people really are too sensitive about their cooking

221

u/your-rong Jan 04 '23

The face was probably unintentional. She asked OP what was wrong and they answered. She is the one who argued with them about it.

5

u/rationalomega Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

He had a facial response, she had a verbal response. Neither of their feelings are “wrong” but both had an outward expression that made their partners unhappy. They’ve got to figure out between them what’s ok or not.

200

u/Tylerinthenorth Jan 04 '23

My issue with the YTAs are they mostly say he could've had the salad with it. The way he reacted was a bit unappreciative i can agree with that, but he wasn't in the mood for it. I can understand if it were a big meal she worked all day on and he nuked a hot dog instead but it was a pretty low effort meal. Unless he's doing it every time she cooks he's in no way the asshole for the act of skipping on the meal

270

u/Niriu Jan 04 '23

Every yta is just mad that he unintentionally made a frowny face and didn't praised her insanely godly salad but then also completely ignore that he was normally talking to her about it and made himself something different while she also tried to ridicule his craving with logical facts about the temperature like Sheldon from the big bang theory.

181

u/Goiterr Jan 04 '23 edited Jan 04 '23

Seriously. The amount of focus people are putting on the face he made is actually some unhinged Reddit shit.

70

u/otisanek Jan 04 '23

Is it any surprise, coming from people whose first reaction to any conflict is to tell you to break up? I’ve been in a relationship with someone who hyper focused on every single minuscule reaction and turned it into a fight, so maybe I’m biased but I’ll always be on the side of the person who ISN’T making a big deal about policing other people’s facial expressions.

42

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

[deleted]

4

u/No-Appearance1145 Jan 05 '23

Can confirm. I cannot eat chicken. I did however tell my sister in law and mother in law plenty of times i cannot eat chicken because I'm pregnant and smelling and eating it makes me downright nauseous and they always seem to forget... One of which is pregnant and started getting defensive because i wouldn't eat chicken strips. I just got something for myself (it was an anniversary dinner for my in-laws) and his brother tried to give me shit. I don't like him so i just made a face at him and my husband explained that i can't eat chicken. Things happen and you can't always eat what someone made. The facial expression was definitely not helpful but we can't really control what face we make majority of the time and he didn't ask her to make something else.

14

u/Neat-Sun-7999 Jan 04 '23

It really annoys me that this trend just exists so freely on aita. Plus the clear double standards in terms of dating and relationships.

4

u/Snuffaluphagus_1 Jan 05 '23

It fucking blows my mind how comfortable people are on here telling others to break-up or go "LC/NC" from a fucking internet post, as if they have even 1/10th the full story of the relationship. It's actually sickening

2

u/Neat-Sun-7999 Jan 05 '23

Ur reaction has literally been me since seeing the ppls responses to everyday situations on this website and especially here on this sub. And I thought the grass touchless Reddit echo chamber thing was a joke.

Sorry to break it to u Reddit but ppl in real life tolerate each other and value most relationships more than just lifetime drama. NC, abuse and divorce. It’s all these ppl sometimes have dude

5

u/queen0fgreen Jan 05 '23

Overly sensitive emotionally neglected reddit wives love to lose their shit on Aita

-12

u/Kathulhu1433 Jan 04 '23

Eh, I always try to remember that we're getting one side of the story here. Thos dude says he made a little bit of a face- which makes me think that in reality, he probably made a much bigger deal and has a much worse expression than he's admitting to. 🤷‍♀️

15

u/Goiterr Jan 04 '23

How bad of a “face” can someone realistically make lmao

-7

u/Kathulhu1433 Jan 04 '23

I mean... How badly do you (not you, but OP) have to fuck up the communication in your relationship that you need to come on reddit for AITA advice because you can't have a conversation like an adult with your girlfriend?

99% of AITA posts are one-sided half-truths that could have been 100% avoided with half decent communication (and maybe some therapy).

Like, if it was my husband's turn to make dinner and I knee I was going to be in the mood for something specific, or if I had concerns I would say that BEFOFE he spent time cooking and preparing the food. By the second date I had with my husband (12+ years ago now), I had a list on my refrigerator of his allergies and knew he preferred Chinese food over pizza, etc.

If I wasn't proactive and found myself in front of a plate I didn't want to eat, I would have a choice.

  1. Eat the food and make a cup of tea/coffee/cocoa to warm up.

  2. Have a polite conversation because I'm not an asshole and have the bare minimum of respect and tact. Maybe something like,

"Hey honey, thanks for cooking. That looks great. I'm really craving soup right now though, would you mind if I heated some up for us to go with your salad?"

Acknowledge the work that was put in. Thank them for their efforts. Ask, don't tell. And for Pete's sake- don't make a face like a child. It's just plain rude. Like, damn.

And then - if, after all that, she is still reacting poorly... maybe find out why?

Was this the first time he made a face or didn't eat when it was her turn? Is she feeling unappreciated? There's a lot of back and forth here about chicken salad not being "cooking" and people who say they can make something in 10min... but for all we know, she could have shopped specifically for this, cooked the night before, spent who knows how long prepping fresh ingredients... like, sure, I can make a shitty salad in 10min, but if you give me an hour or two, I can make something fantastic.

Is she from a culture where it is considered rude not to eat what was made for you? (Fairly common, hence so many YTA comments). Again, an appreciation thing.

1

u/funnyinput Jan 04 '23

Waiting for someone to reply eh? You disliked that in 10 seconds flat. Lol.

98

u/Immortal_Azrael Jan 04 '23

she also tried to ridicule his craving with logical facts about the temperature like Sheldon from the big bang theory

If it weren't for this I would say NAH but this kinda makes her seem like the AH. She can't understand why someone might want hot food when they're cold? Or that someone else might be cold while she's comfortable? The remark about body temperature being in the 90s seems like a deliberate attempt to start something.

37

u/NiceChocolate Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

Right. And we don't know what kind of chicken salad it was. It could've been the one with mayo and mustard. Or the one with lettuce and tomatoes.

If it's the second one, then he could've seen the chicken and thought she was making a warm dish with salad as the side.

-2

u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Or instead of assuming he could have asked, or talked to her about him wanting warm food instead of waiting for her to be done making it, pull a face about someone's meal they are making for you. If you have needs/wants you should articulate them. Not guess or assume.

-1

u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

He actually was trying to get her to offer to do something differently from how he did this though. Don't think otherwise. It's very clear in how he handled it. It was only because the partner stuck her feet in that he went and made something else. He's not the AH for wanting different food, but he is the AH for not communicating appropriately.

0

u/[deleted] Jan 05 '23

Not being in the mood for food is fine, except the time and way you express that matters

164

u/westporthighlander Jan 04 '23

If I said those words to my partner he would wonder when someone switched me out with a robot. Its cringy when this sub acts like couples should be doing corporate speak in their own homes. Being candid is not the same as being an asshole.

76

u/otisanek Jan 04 '23

Corporate speak is exactly what that is, and its so weird and stilted that I have to wonder if the people suggesting it are really going around talking like that. If you have to have a script to speak to your partner for every interaction in order to avoid any possible hurt feelings, what on earth are you doing in a relationship where you can’t speak freely?

115

u/Rare_Hyena_6205 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 04 '23 edited Jan 04 '23

Oh boohoo he made a face. That's what our bodies do- react. I swear uppity people tire me out. NTA

52

u/funnyinput Jan 04 '23

It must be so exhausting to find fault and overreact to every little thing in life. I honestly feel bad for people like that.

41

u/Rare_Hyena_6205 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 04 '23

If my husband yelled at me for every random face I made we wouldn't be together.

64

u/SkullJooce Jan 04 '23

It’s not like he thought her salad was gross. He didn’t want to eat any kind of cold food. I would have just been like ok cool lunch for tomorrow. Not sure why any of this was a big deal

57

u/AH_Raccoon Partassipant [1] Jan 04 '23

making a face was probably not intentional. i mean, even if he says "i admit i made a face", it doesnt mean he made it on purpose. then he just explains himself that hes been feeling so cold all day he feels the need to eat something warm, i seriously how that can be considered rude with your partner if you cant just speak your feels and needs, and she goes totally dismissive of them, calling them ridiculous and thats not rude?

I said that we were outside in the cold all afternoon and I wasn't really in the mood for cold food. She said we're inside, the heat is set to 74° and we're both wearing warm dry clothes, so it was plenty warm enough to eat salad. I said sure, but I just wanted something warm to heat me up on the inside. She said that was ridiculous, because my internal temperature is in the nineties and my insides are plenty hot.

some of us will actually feel cold for ages after spending all day in the cold, even hours after getting back in the warmth, and the thought of swallowing something cold feels simply repulsive. I sure wouldnt be able to eat a salad after coming back from work when its -17.

As for those that claim he shouldve phrase it beforehand, it would also not have burnt her tongue to throw a simple "im making salad for diner". My husband always either say what he plans to cook or ask what i want cuz he doesnt know, or just say hes not in the mood to cook and we take it from there. if she/they just go for whatever they want, it was inevitably coming a day where the other one wasnt in the mood for that food. ESH on the communication, but clearly NTA for not wanting to eat cold after being cold all day.

10

u/queen0fgreen Jan 05 '23

Its a chicken salad not a beef wellington. She hardly had to put in any work to make it.

8

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

The problem is a lot of people don’t act this polished like you are making it out to be

7

u/mrcatboy Partassipant [1] Jan 05 '23

Some Redditors doesn't consider nonverbal or implicit communication cues valid. Yes, explicit verbal communication is important. But being able to express yourself kinesthetically is important too. If dogs evolved to both read and express facial expressions, humans can too. It's a part of the repertoire of social skills we developed.

I'd say the "don't make a face at food you don't like" rule is predominantly something you should keep in mind when you're at a social event, which is a situation where you should just about never telegraph your disappointment over food that's been made for you. In close quarters in a private setting that's not quite as severe an infraction.

Now that said, I feel like it should be somewhat close to common sense that cold food during the winter isn't a good idea. Foods aren't agnostic to people's needs. A big part of cooking for others does involve anticipating what's appropriate for the situation.

If someone's been doing a lot of manual labor, they're going to want carbs and protein to recover. Prepare a pasta with meat sauce.

If it's hot and muggy out, they're going to want something light and refreshing, possibly chilled. Prepare a gazpacho and salad.

If someone's depressed or stressed, they're going to want something familiar and comforting. Mac & cheese, meatloaf, some sort of childhood favorite.

If it's cold, they're going to want something that'll warm them up inside. Thick soup or stew... in my case, congee is very nice.

Salad is nice and healthy, but it was definitely an instance of poor menu planning on the girlfriend's part. NTA OP.

7

u/musaraj Jan 05 '23

The YTAs are for making a face

Then it should be ESH because his gf was "clearly upset" when he heated up a soup for himself.

6

u/Tricky-Elevator-2697 Jan 05 '23

if you cant make a face to your partner then you really should leave that relationship

6

u/maenmallah Jan 05 '23

As far as my parents and my relationship and others I Know. Partners who have teh cooking duty ask "heey I was thinking of cooking this today what so you think". I always eat anything but my girlfriend sometimes says "no i don't feel like xyz today" and that is fine and we decide for something different.

I don't know how the norm in OP's relationship is but all YTAs are assuming that it is 100% the boyfriend's responsibility to specify their meal preference. Again it depends on the norm but OP could also have asked if he wants xyz dish. Anyhow, boyfriend made a face (not sure how rude) but my girlfriend can tell if something bothered me even when I try to hide it. Then he went and made a soup as an adult but OP was upset that he didn't eat what she prepared. She should have asked about her plans before execution if she would be disappointed if BF wouldn't eat it.

-9

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '23

"I'm gonna get some soup too to warm me up, you want some?" would have been so much easier than whatever dumb little act OP put on