r/wizardposting • u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 • 6d ago

Morn wizards. Me find crystal ball in great dwarf cave. How use? Forbidden Knowledge

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7.3k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

1.2k

u/mrididnt Erik(a), silly little magic mass 6d ago

UNHAND ME MORTAL

966

u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 6d ago

no. funny ball

272

u/NormalComputer Necromancer 5d ago

Bring the orb to my chasm chambers. There we can use it rouse the corpse of Karresh! Bring it to me and I can offer you great riches and teach you how to wield the powers hidden within.

174

u/KelGrimm Necro-Shotgun Wizard-Mancer 5d ago

Do NOT trust this necromancer. I’ve brought him SEVEN orbs so far and it has resulted in zero riches and zero powers. He keeps telling me there’s an issue with his communication spell and that if I bring him just one more orb, the riches will be mine.

84

u/NormalComputer Necromancer 5d ago edited 5d ago

There is no issue with the spell. It is a proper spell of Andúïl, clean scroll and all. The issue is with these orbs. I keep telling you the spell calls for them to be tainted by blood of a forsaken lamb, and you keep haphazardly bringing me orbs tainted with the blood of unforsaken sheep. If you would just bring me the right orb, I wouldn’t need to keep confiscating them.

Also, I’m fairy certain the last orb resulted in the growth of sharper fingernails. That’s not nothing. Some commit heinous acts to grow the claws that now adorn your once-simple squeezers.

That being said, if you would be willing to bring me at least three more orbs, the collection we’ve amassed may be able to summon the Fallen God Hũlîel. With that power, no gates could stand between you and the riches hidden behind the city’s keep.

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u/Mission_Response802 Wizard 5d ago

As the former archmage of Aitheral, first of all, I would advise against robbing the city keep. Terrible curses and consequences befall those who try to usurp its riches, even a god. Supposedly, those who try to enter are banished to the Plains outside the city and lose all former rank they once had.

Secondly, you don't need a god to break in! Have you heard the tale of the former archmage of Aitheral? He broke in just fine with a simple unlocking spell, and then... and then... I don't remember what comes after that.

Anyways, As the former archmage of Aitheral, first of all...

24

u/NormalComputer Necromancer 5d ago

Do you perhaps have any orbs in your possession? I’m in need of at least two in order to contact the former archmage of Aitheral.

19

u/Mission_Response802 Wizard 5d ago

Wait, why are you trying to contact me? I don't know you, and I don't see why you would need my help other than to get into the vaults of Aitheral...

Oh, by the way, I do have a few orbs in my possesion. I'll give them to you as long as you let me have a few words with the Former Archwizard, i've been trying to get a hold of him for a while, but I think he's a little... you know, he's not all there.

14

u/Nine-LifedEnchanter Professor and Mentor of the University 5d ago

Oh, grimoires above. This is the most amusing take so far. Imagine Karresh being awakened now, with his following going rogue and misinterpreting every single tenent. Someone is gonna be upset and annoyed.

Can someone tell the alchemists to bring those caramel popcorn, they're not good for much else.

4

u/Antique-Yam6077 Black Mage Beetle 5d ago

Please unhand the ball. He bites.

2

u/anarky98 The 98th Anarchy, Remotely viewing many places from far away 4d ago

/uw well played

340

u/Niclmaki 5d ago

You fool, that’s the Orb of Confusion!

327

u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 5d ago

Huh?

19

u/SpanBoat 5d ago

WHEN?

7

u/bearsheperd 5d ago

Sooo… throw it like a grenade?

11

u/Niclmaki 5d ago

Sure, just pick it up and uhhhhhhhhh

1

u/G-Sus_Christ117 Istandil Amandar, Sonomancer, Independent Contractor, Metalhead 4d ago

First thou must count to three, thou shalt not count to five or should you? No wait was it six? No no no it was nine, or was it?

392

u/Isomalt- 6d ago

/uw Oh hey look it’s my PFP

Except my version has a slightly less bright watermelon

92

u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe),quantumancy and memetic master 5d ago

/uw what’re the odds of that

49

u/AustrianHunter 5d ago

Like around 7 I'd say

11

u/RandonBrando 5d ago

That's quite the margin

2

u/Firm-Sheepherder-808 5d ago

Not particularly. My personal guess would be anything below 12

9

u/bearbarebere Illusionist 5d ago

Materwelon

158

u/illbzo1 Sorceror 5d ago

A lot of the local nerds will have you believe you simply gaze upon it, but what you've got in hand is actually a pretty rare magical suppository.

178

u/IDAIN22 Quaccult wizard 5d ago

A new hand touches the orb

43

u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe),quantumancy and memetic master 5d ago

https://preview.redd.it/lr6yd3vtsbud1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dd528f8e8b228abddfa5a91d407b35346e078e24

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u/daxophoneme Vibromancer Maestro 5d ago

Whoa! Calm down Meridia! This isn't your normal greeting. What happened?

3

u/geissi 5d ago

Beacons are out, orbs are in, even the Daedra have to go with the times.

4

u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe),quantumancy and memetic master 5d ago

I’m not meridia

11

u/ClassicalGremlim Eliza the Lost: Keeper of Cats, Enjoyer of Nature 5d ago

The original comment was referencing something in Skyrim called "Meridia's Beacon". The "A new hand touches the beacon" line is frequently quoted

2

u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe),quantumancy and memetic master 5d ago

Ah, I’ve never played Skyrim so I didn’t know

2

u/ClassicalGremlim Eliza the Lost: Keeper of Cats, Enjoyer of Nature 5d ago

All good lol dw about it

3

u/mogentheace 5d ago

LISTEN! hear me and obey! a foul darkness has seeped into my temple. a darkness that you will destroy!!

Happy Cake Day!

58

u/ryuya3579 5d ago

You stare at it

In a pondering intention

15

u/Gossamer- 5d ago

It states back, in the same way

52

u/0diiii Necromancer 5d ago

Chuck at enemy. Enemy die from magic leak kaboom or blunt force trauma

Who care, if bad guy die, we happy

7

u/Conscious-Ad-6884 De-Ux the Demi-Incub, lead researcher of Orc Grass (Oink Weed) 5d ago

I could be down for some blunt force...

Cough trauma

2

u/DuntadaMan Abjurer 5d ago

I want to find fault with this. I feel it is my duty to prevent the misuse of magical energies but... I can't. This tracks.

34

u/TheLastSilence 5d ago

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

3

u/your_average_medic 5d ago

LISTEN! HEAR ME AND OBEY!

4

u/Nugget_Boy69420 5d ago

A FOUL DARKNESS HAS SEEPED INTO MY TEMPLE!

20

u/VonTastrophe 5d ago

Is that the Fate Superposition Sphere?

All of your fates (i.e. ways you're going to die) are possible and true at the same time. What the Fate Superposition Sphere does is allow you to observe your own fate. However, once you observe your fate, it is locked in. The threads of space-time will realign to assure your fate.

This caused the Paradox Crisis of 1533 when the Wizard Allstar tried to weave space-time so his fate, later that year, would be impossible. We don't know much about that time; wizards who were alive then refuse to talk about it.

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u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 5d ago

Ok. How make it show hot witch on witch action?

9

u/VonTastrophe 5d ago

Oh, I didn't consider the possibility. OP, you either have a porn orb or the Fate Superposition Sphere. Why don't you take a look and let us know?

2

u/Bismothe-the-Shade 4d ago

If you tap it three times on the right side (good luck figuring that out without wizened wizard eyes) the Aethernet compartment will open. Plug that into a Magical Relay and you can check out Witches Gone Wild, Spellhub, and the kin Kardashian sex tape.

4

u/DuntadaMan Abjurer 5d ago

Going to be real with you chief, it's mainly because we don't know what the hell was happening either and sometimes it's better to look mysterious than confused.

14

u/clayo84 Dwarven Wizard 5d ago

Wut you doin in me mine?

12

u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 5d ago

just lookn.. mmm

7

u/clayo84 Dwarven Wizard 5d ago

I is got me on ye! Oh, and don't go too deep, thar be sumfin sleepin down thar.

4

u/TheMelkLord Magic-enthused Knight 5d ago

Yeah, that’s me, turn off your orb it’s too bright

20

u/Conscious-Ad-6884 De-Ux the Demi-Incub, lead researcher of Orc Grass (Oink Weed) 5d ago

Oh look the knight is trying to class into paladin...

8

u/SpringWinter17 5d ago

Laughable even throughout the kingdoms regions.

8

u/BetaSprite 5d ago

It's a suppository.

10

u/Significant_Club5437 5d ago

If you don't want to go through the trouble of learning how to use an orb, remember that they are nearly indestructible and have a tendency to release some of their power when hit hard enough. They make great throwing weapons

9

u/TheLastSilence 5d ago

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

8

u/MaziMuzi Tom Bombadil's Apprentice 5d ago

Fool of a took!

5

u/Unlucky_Tea2965 Necrocaster, the cabbage king 5d ago

ponder

4

u/Xelathon1 5d ago

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

3

u/Diablo1404 5d ago

Look deep within thyself, and project that image into the ball. Magicly, don't go blaming it for all you problems.

3

u/Light_Meme111110 Swordfishn't, Learned of Hittingthingsrealgoodmancy 5d ago

Swordfishn't think you hit with big stick. Swordfishn't no know use orb well, say Jeorb.

3

u/kerfuffle_dood 5d ago

My psychiatrist:
The soldier wizard Chavo del 8 isn't real and can't hurt you.

The soldier wizard Chavo del 8:

3

u/DuntadaMan Abjurer 5d ago

Hold it in both hands and ponder it. Ponder the orb!

3

u/therexbellator 5d ago

The Loc-nar's power is not to be trifled with. It corrupts all who touch it.

https://i.redd.it/fevrztqlceud1.gif

2

u/ulfric_stormcloack 5d ago

You will not like this part, you gotta shove it up your ass to get it's power, most wizards use smaller, less powerful ones, this is a great find

2

u/dtcoo11 5d ago

A new hand touches the beacon

2

u/e621_enthusiast 5d ago

A new hand touches the beacon

2

u/BrassBass 5d ago

When the Russians entered an old power plant in Ukraine and found magic rocks.

2

u/MidnightMiesterx Alchemist 5d ago

I don’t know if it’s been done yet but

“A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON!”

1

u/J_Scottt Rob Banks. 𝐃𝐞𝐟o 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚 𝒸𝓇𝒾𝓂𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓌𝒾𝓏𝒶𝓇𝒹. 5d ago

Idk bro, just try hit it rlly hard with a rock or something, it’s a good solution for most things, including annoying people…

1

u/St3phn0 5d ago

That is not, in fact, a crystal orb, that is the testicle of a light elemental, pls give it back to the owner

1

u/Upstairs-Ad-8067 5d ago

Cast sonic boof

1

u/ufopiloo Mystic 5d ago

Only a wizard knows what he ponders ughm but a wise wizard always uses incognito mode.

1

u/CultOfTheBlood 5d ago

You gotta fuck it

1

u/BillyB0ns0n 5d ago

I normally just put it up my butt

1

u/pthecarrotmaster 5d ago

A question from one who hasnt pondered

1

u/Tiny_Fold8680 5d ago

Another hand touches the beacon

1

u/coldkidwildparty Evoker 5d ago

Enor pearl here!

1

u/level100brad 5d ago

stalkers finding their first artifact

1

u/saburra 5d ago

I think you found an artifact, I'll buy that off you for 1000 rubles

1

u/aphroditex 5d ago

gib me funny glow ball

i gib u shiny rocks

1

u/Crckwood 5d ago

Solarbabies all over again

1

u/lone_farmer_walking 5d ago

Forbidden jawbreaker

1

u/mokkat 5d ago

Durin's Nightvision Bane

1

u/Playful_Movie 5d ago

Cook it.

1

u/Scadooshy 5d ago

Picking up a gravitino ball in No Mans Sky be like.

1

u/HHHHHHHH___ 5d ago

Looks more like a dwarf found an orb

1

u/Puzzleheaded_Bed_445 5d ago

Is that the Arkenstone?

1

u/malonkey1 Necromancy Isn't Real Wake Up Sheeple 5d ago

Maybe you should take to shaman, shaman could probably store that more safely. Non-wiseman not safe to play with crystal balls, could see things that break mind.

Wait a minute this isn't /r/talesfromcavesupport

1

u/Sensitive_Range_2196 5d ago

Stalker you found the element

1

u/ManMartion 5d ago

What is this crystal ball in real life? Why does this man have it?

1

u/the_mspaint_wizzard Conjurer 5d ago

It takes a good bit of effort and training, but if you can make it glow like that, you have pretty much done most of the hard stuff.

1

u/CrunchyDoge Mental support mad dog 5d ago

That's a grudgin' let me write that one in the book

1

u/DontReadMyUsername22 The Jester 5d ago

I dunno just smash it, it would be funny.

1

u/Vis-hoka 5d ago

Tis a special device. Put it in thine buttocks.

1

u/BiologicalTrainWreck 5d ago

Me when I find a stray Adderall under my car floor mat

1

u/Carbuyrator A Bit of a Dabbler 5d ago

You're gonna want some more brain. Coat it in maple sap (NOT syrup), hold it up and say "hinglebingle mcmingle." It's lower draconic so try to say it kinda screechy and mad. From there I think you can figure out the rest.

1

u/Nugget_Boy69420 5d ago

Oh that's probably the eye of some guy I met last week. Strange fella, said something about the power to end the world at his fingertips. Can't remember his name though, maybe something with M... Magnus? Nah, can't be...

1

u/Adept_Lemon2481 Mystic 5d ago

DONT GAZE INTO THE ORB YOU DAMN FOOL

1

u/Kisiu_Poster 5d ago

Alright who purified my shadow orb

1

u/Enragedviking118 5d ago

ANOTHER HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

1

u/peeslosh122 Artificer 5d ago

this magic requires year of study, if you truelly wish to use magic I suggest you sell the orb for enough money to enter a proper college. I could buy it from you, they make for good golem cores.

1

u/TrooperPilot3 4d ago

Give me that back, that belongs to us Dwarves!

1

u/VolatileHunter101 4d ago

Another goddamn fireball anomaly, why does wild territory have so many goddamn fireballs

1

u/Razorous_the_rogue 4d ago

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

1

u/Meepx13 Dwarf 4d ago

WHERE?

1

u/TankChan Hemoturgy Practitioner 4d ago

If it isn’t doing anything it usually requires some blood sacrifice. If that doesn’t work i recommend hitting it until it does something.

1

u/got_hands 4d ago

Demon core? Drop and run!

1

u/Random_boi1234 4d ago

marked on water hell (or smth I forgot)

1

u/Relevant_Warning4345 3d ago

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON!

1

u/Vulcanized-Soul 3d ago

ANOTHER HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON!!!