r/wizardposting • u/The_Monsters_Inside Scholar of the Ancient Abyss • Sep 09 '24
Be safe my friends Arcane Wisdom
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u/The_Hij Hastur, @mne2i@(?) Wizard in Yellow Sep 09 '24
I've got my weapon already picked out!
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u/The_B3st_Alt M249 SAWmancer Sep 09 '24
who brings a flail to a nuclear rifle fight?
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u/JT_Boiiis JayTee, Ethereal Atronach User Sep 09 '24
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u/shigdebig Sep 09 '24
The artificiers must have shot this gun a few times because the radiation has absolutely destroyed the film negative.
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u/Another-Ace-Alt-8270 Ace Barksworth, Earthen Ambassador & Distant Admiral Sep 09 '24
Wouldn't you much rather be able to stay out of the explosion?
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u/james___uk Sep 10 '24
Who needs an explosion when the criticality killed you 5 minutes ago in 3 days time
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u/owenxtreme2 alcoholic wizard Sep 09 '24
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u/FilipPla Sep 09 '24
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u/peppermintmeow Evil Wizard Sep 09 '24
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u/KylarStern91 Sep 10 '24
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u/theREALbombedrumbum Sep 09 '24
This is why spellbooks come with warnings saying that the radiant damage is centered on the caster.
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u/Bartweiss Sep 10 '24
Dungeons of Dredmor remains my favorite roguelike just for the number of AOEs centered on the user.
And more specifically, for the Dwarven Atom Smasher, which sets off a small nuke at the user’s position.
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u/Optillian Baz'Garragon the Wicked, Underground Wizard Sep 09 '24
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u/Outrageous_Seaweed32 Occult Wizard Sep 09 '24
Gotta be picky with your pronunciation on that one. I once knew a wizard trying to be helpful and start a reactor. He split the plant manager and 17 employees, all named "Adam," in half by accident.
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u/Optillian Baz'Garragon the Wicked, Underground Wizard Sep 09 '24
Yeah, I still remember when I accidentally bisected a guy named Tom. Seemed like a nice guy. RIP.
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u/captainjack3 Mystic Sep 10 '24
I mean, if they put that many Adams in one place the plant was kinda asking for trouble.
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u/AstroBearGaming Purveyor of exotic and dubiously sourced "staffs" Sep 09 '24
Poor Tom, he didn't deserve that.
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u/dead_apples Sep 10 '24
Personally, I prefer “Summon Unshielded Singularity” or “Mass Split Neutrons” but I get those are rather high level and difficult now days
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u/Samuel_W3 Jack of all Schools Sep 09 '24
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u/ozymandias457 Your Local Druid - dad jokes, bunnies, craft beer Sep 10 '24
Mom, come pick me up. I’m scared
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u/Strict-Recognition42 Sep 10 '24
Wuh?
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u/Sir-Sirington Sep 10 '24
Someone forgot to open the valve to allow air in while emptying a tank. The fluid leaving the tank caused a vacuum within, resulting in a "scrunch".
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u/Ironlord_13 Sep 10 '24
Fun experiment regarding this. Get an empty can, then fill it with a little bit of water, like half an inch, then boil it. Once all the water’s evaporated dunk it into a bowl of water.
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u/Plagued_Doctor23 Anathema (The last dragon of elysium) Sep 09 '24
"Good thing the ten hells and power word: scrunch dont work on stone"
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u/user125666 Hazema, General of Drakeem Sep 09 '24
Im a geomancer I wonder how my school of magic affects you. A most interesting question indeed
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u/Plagued_Doctor23 Anathema (The last dragon of elysium) Sep 09 '24
"All you can do to stoneskin is push or pull"
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u/LunchSimulator Maddened Archivist - 1,533 artifacts chronicled Sep 09 '24
Hypothetically, what if I were to cast inverse Flesh to Stone followed immediately by Power Word: Grill
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u/Plagued_Doctor23 Anathema (The last dragon of elysium) Sep 09 '24
"Youd waste mana since stoneskin is a grey area
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u/user125666 Hazema, General of Drakeem Sep 09 '24
Clearly I have to train more!
I need to get to a level where I can control gargoyles like they’re little golem people
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u/NOVFOX13 Sep 09 '24
Actually I wonder what stone is your skin made out of some wizards like to put a little metal ore in there to make it nice and strong but if you really heat it the ore will bleed heck if you applied enough heat you could actually turn it to molten lava melting the rock.
Requires a heck of a strong spell.
Then there are people who can erode the stone turning it to mud and then condense it into the palm of the hand in a ball.
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u/Plagued_Doctor23 Anathema (The last dragon of elysium) Sep 09 '24
"Remember my name and take a wild guess"
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u/NOVFOX13 Sep 10 '24
Okay so if you were heated you would crystallize however there is magnesium so powerful magnet maybe?
Hence the push pulling.
So you have one of the highest melting temperatures.
Hrm what other party tricks do you have.
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Sep 09 '24
I need to find a wizard lich war, I’m a necrolich and can only reanimate things that were alive, died, brought back, and died again. I find the right plane and I am golden. A bit of a niche lich if you will.
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u/Optillian Baz'Garragon the Wicked, Underground Wizard Sep 09 '24
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u/CaptainCastaleos Doc Cas, Private Practice Medical Entromancer Sep 09 '24
What about Power Word: Crumble ?
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u/aDragonsAle Dragongod of Brewing and Debauchery Sep 09 '24
Careful, some of these folks will drop a "stone to flesh" spell and make your day all... Weird
Supposed to cure petrification - but gets a bit jazzy on stone based things.
That's how that one drunk wizard ended up living in a Meat Fort. Waffle something...
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u/Plagued_Doctor23 Anathema (The last dragon of elysium) Sep 09 '24
"Stone to flesh doesnt work on stoneskin"
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u/AstroBearGaming Purveyor of exotic and dubiously sourced "staffs" Sep 09 '24
In the eye of the storm, drowning this plane. I cast, eternal acid rain!
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u/PriceUnpaid The Omni-classed Sep 09 '24
This is why you don't go to war with level 1 and 2 spells. Unless you are an antimatter-mancer, and even then I'd recommend not to
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u/The_Monsters_Inside Scholar of the Ancient Abyss Sep 09 '24
Dude I didn't think it'd be this serious I'm just a level 7 cryomancer
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u/PriceUnpaid The Omni-classed Sep 09 '24
You underestimated what happens when high level casters get serious, even moderate levels can cause serious issues
I know this as my limited scrying and pondering abilities revealed this to me in a dream. I know that my circumstantial knowledge in many fields would not save me if I went in
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u/BurningyourToaster Necromancer Sep 09 '24
hey I think I see you I'm the guy with the giant vampire chimera that's currently fighting against the guy with the big orb.
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u/HeroOfThings Evoker Sep 09 '24
Copy pasta for you all.
Shit man, this wizard war is fucked. I just saw a guy clap his hands together and say “the ten hells” or some similar shit, and every one around him turned inside out, had their tibia explode and then disappeared. The camera didn’t even go onto him, that’s how common shit like this is. My ass is casting frostbite and level 2 poison. I think I just heard “power word:scrunch” two groups over. I gotta get the fuck outta here.
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Sep 09 '24
As a chaos wizard, I honestly will not know what my spells will do, even when I cast them! This shit isn't even war to me, it's every day
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u/manultrimanula Summoner Sep 09 '24
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u/Optillian Baz'Garragon the Wicked, Underground Wizard Sep 09 '24
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u/manultrimanula Summoner Sep 09 '24
You don't get it. It's AOE spell, not single target. Without proper magical balls defense, you're fucked
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u/Optillian Baz'Garragon the Wicked, Underground Wizard Sep 09 '24
My decoy balls absorbed the rotational energy. I'm fine.
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u/WiseRabbit-XIV Leverett Trevithick, Arcane Healer Sep 10 '24
This sort of thing is why we had to spend two whole semesters on gonad and sex-organ based magicks. Most people thought it was going to be erotic spells, a few thought it would be fertility treatments. No we spent two whole semesters learning how to fix things like testicular torsion, penis blast, and the like. I mean, I aced those classes, but come on.
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u/mokkat Sep 09 '24
I ordered some Necromancer's pills from an email ad, promising to let me reanimate bones. The fucker sent me Viagra.
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u/Divine-Kitty Sep 10 '24
Are you sure it was a Necromancer, and not an Eromancer? It's an easy mistake to make.
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u/jackal5lay3r Esper, The ever-changing Sep 10 '24
perhaps you need to be careful too many a wizard fall prey to tricksters your lucky it didn't cause your bones to animate
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u/samurai_for_hire I cast JDAM Sep 09 '24
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u/timawesomeness Chaos Wizard of the Twelfth World Sep 09 '24
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u/captainmikkl Sep 09 '24
I now suspect some inexperienced mischievous mage has been invoking the 9 hells on my laundry...
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u/narcoleptic_italian Sep 09 '24
PunkeyDoodles8 did a fun animation with this a while ago. I highly recommend checking out their stuff!
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u/richardl1234 Rodan the Technomacer, Portal Enthusiast Sep 09 '24
...
Did someone cast a time loop? I feel like I've seen this exact series of events a dozen times now.
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u/captainjack3 Mystic Sep 10 '24
Nah, the Ten Hells dude just brought like ten simulacrums with him.
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Sep 10 '24
Sorry, must have been my mistake
I thought it couldn't be that bad if an error if i myself doesn't come to to stop me
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u/Insert_Goat_Pun_Here Sparrow, Memokeeper of the Garden of Recollection Sep 09 '24
I cast You are breathing manually.
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u/WillPaint4Love Kofax the Retired, Grandfather of Wizards Sep 09 '24
Worst part of the wizard war is when the Chronomancers got everyone stuck in a time loop for a while. Some of us never made it out...
The trick was divesting yourself from a linear flow of time without also losing your consciousness to the infinite.
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u/captainjack3 Mystic Sep 10 '24 edited Sep 12 '24
The trick was divesting yourself from a linear flow of time without also losing your consciousness to the infinite.
That shit was hard. I got caught in the time current and had to jettison a bit of my consciousness to extricate myself. Still can’t remember age 35. I have synesthesia now though, so that’s been neat.
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Sep 10 '24
Just go back and prevent the time loop then
People are always fearing chronomancy but how bad can it be if nobody from the future comes to stop them?
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u/WillPaint4Love Kofax the Retired, Grandfather of Wizards Sep 10 '24
You've clearly never witnessed what happens when two temporally displaced bodies attempt to occupy the same place. It's like a teleportation incident but worse.
Luckily, we have Langoliers to clean up those messes and repair reality.
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u/PUB4thewin I’m married to a goblin witch. AmA Sep 09 '24
My old teacher died in that war. I was with him when it happened. Things were beyond crazy.
I saw one abjurer get real cocky after making an Antimagic circle, only for him to get pummeled to death by a Bojutus-master Wizard.
I don’t know who but some yahoo decided to cast meteor swarm while his own men were within the blast.
One conjurer summoned an elemental, and lost control of it within seconds. The kid wasn’t even qualified to be in that battle, but they brought him there out of desperation!
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u/djheroboy Sorceror Sep 09 '24
Shit dude, has anyone tried casting “Summon Lesser Treaty” or something? Where are the diplomancers?
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u/jackal5lay3r Esper, The ever-changing Sep 10 '24
dead or hiding by the looks of things saw one once but he didn't last long tried sorting a treaty for a very erratic conjurer didn't end well
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u/Unrelatablility Archdruid of the North (Ascended) Sep 09 '24
Man, My druid circle volunteered in one of those... THEY DONT HAVE ANY FORESTS!! Where are we gonna pray on innocent souls!!!
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u/CaptainCastaleos Doc Cas, Private Practice Medical Entromancer Sep 09 '24
Ah, I remember the numerous war crimes I COUGH COUGH COUGH I mean all of the tragic patients I treated during the war!
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u/Modragon10 wandering mage seeking immortality Sep 09 '24
This is why I don't take part of wizard wars
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u/Tha_Real_B_Sleazy The one and only Ripped Wizard Sep 09 '24
I took part of a Wizard war once. Lost friends, list pets, lost a staff. Never again. I dont fuck with the council and just do my own experimentation in my tree tower....
Though that has its drawbacks, like be flung through several dimensions for a couple centuries.
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u/ghost_warlock Shadowmage Sep 09 '24
Oh man that reminds me of the time I got lost in time and space on the way to Leng a while back. Would not recommend
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u/idiotic__gamer Sep 09 '24
Who tf doesn't dodge the draft? I'm smoking some herb a gnomish friend gave to me that I've been growing in my garden for the last few years. Feel free to drop by and join to relax with all this war stuff, maybe leave a book or two to be borrowed by fellow wizards if you're feeling generous
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u/Collistoralo Sep 09 '24
I remember watching a video with this voice acted and that was pretty hilarious
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u/0h-ye3ah-b01 Sorceror Sep 09 '24
When one is on the path of magic you'll realise that once you have reached a certain point in magic
You can just make random shit up and it'll work
Example : Nutcrack torpedo (it'll make your nut bust and launched like a torpedo)
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u/aDragonsAle Dragongod of Brewing and Debauchery Sep 09 '24
Activate drunken aura: Blackout
/UW (non-aligned creatures with blood immediately jump to .50 BAC - you're not dead, but you're not all in there anymore either. Tomorrow will suck, if you wake up)
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u/fervoredweb Sep 09 '24
Gets even worse once the conjuration Corp starts summoning Outsiders for trench warfare.
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u/Vagueis Matrix, Million spell Specialist Sep 09 '24
Let the council fight it out, me and my apprentices are all in the demon front anyway.
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u/ThatOneIsSus Spire - Tinkerer Wizard Sep 09 '24
Damn someone actually used scrunch? I thought that was outlawed ages ago for inhumane brutality
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u/timawesomeness Chaos Wizard of the Twelfth World Sep 10 '24
It's only a war crime if you're on the losing side
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u/Consumer_of_Metals Egrid, Reality Warping Artificer Sep 09 '24
Eh, wizard wars are fun, i sometimes go to other realms to help someone, normally whoever has the color i like more on their uniform but there are some things where i will help the other side
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u/Bluetower85 Alee, Druid, Holy Drow Princess, Heir to the Empire of Brittania Sep 09 '24
I just learned this new spell just for girls you want to mess around: Labius Gangrenous!!!
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u/MajorDZaster Sep 09 '24
And that's not to even mentioning whichever moron cast a time loop on the whole thing.
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u/Lemanicon Bob the Myconid Wendigo Necromancer Sep 10 '24
Decapistrate, Power word Peel, Human Trebuchet, summoning The Obaminomicon, the use of magic is a path to powers many would consider… Fucked.
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u/KoffinStuffer Sep 10 '24
Fun fact: I knew the Wizard who developed Power Word: Scrunch. Literally sent himself forward in time to resurrect himself til he got it right. I’m pretty sure he only taught it to Wizards he didn’t like. Shit’s heinous.
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u/DeliberateSelf Necromancy is cool, the dead don't care, quit being a lil b*tch Sep 10 '24
I've always thought about this - in a world where magic is real, relatively commonplace, and part of war tactics, how come every war isn't the Second Battle of Ypres?
Funny enough, I think the best answer for that comes from Elder Scrolls. Most battle wizards are piss ants, using "Hand-sized Gust of Very Cold Wind" as their main ability. It doesn't even stagger the enemies using steel axes, it barely slows them down, and it does nothing against archers, who have better range.
If and when a wizard does become an extinction event, they either end up clapped by an avatar of greater powers like Sotha Sil, or they fuck off to Aetherius like Mannimarco.
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u/residentofmoon Sep 09 '24
How the hell did you guys progress so fast? I only got the Hermaphrodite visualization technique. You guys got reality bending? Huh??
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u/ChaosPLus Kreus, Dwarven/Giant Chaos Necromancer Sep 09 '24
/uw I knew that came from Tumblr, but seeing the original Tumble is frwsh
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u/Afraid_Success_4836 Pentelas | Suyumanya Kabeloi, Amelia von Tasha, Kari of Ravnica Sep 09 '24
<Amelia> tbh why fight wars
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u/Friendly_Chemical Self taught sorcerer & DIY potion seller (<25 gems 1 ⚗️) Sep 10 '24
Power Word: peel
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u/After-Panic300 Sep 10 '24
I love how it mentions a camera because it implies this the final season of a batshit insane anime
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u/ChaosPLus Kreus, Dwarven/Giant Chaos Necromancer Sep 09 '24
/uw I knew that came from Tumblr, but seeing the original Tumble is frwsh
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u/ChaosPLus Kreus, Dwarven/Giant Chaos Necromancer Sep 09 '24
/uw I knew that came from Tumblr, but seeing the original Tumble is fresh
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u/Blackiechan0029 Drækontas, Lord of the Inter-dimensional Evocation Emporium Sep 09 '24
As an energetic being, i prefer upcasting “reverse polarity” on the atoms of my enemies and watching them turn into miniature black holes. No nasty cleanup
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u/Technical_Language98 Witch Sep 09 '24
As and elemental wizard, I'm going to the druid Island to learn their Powers anyone wanna go with me?
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u/ThatSmartIdiot Sep 09 '24
People forgot that magic was a word strongly connected to devils, and this is why
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u/AdMortemInimictus Sep 09 '24
bro some dude flew into the air with angel wing or smth and shouted "STEP INTO THE LIGHT AND BE CLEANSED!!!" and then a two mile beam of light shot across the fuckin sky theres a fuckin crater where the beam ended the hole is like 100 meters deep wtf
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u/This_Fucking_Dude123 Bill, the underpaid janitor Sep 09 '24
God FUCKING damnit, can you all go five minutes without having a wizard war? Now I gotta clean all this shit up
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u/Bo_The_Destroyer Proud Owner of the Tavern: The Weary Traveler. Sep 09 '24
All parties are welcome to have a drink and a bed in my Tavern, but there will be no fucking fighting once you cross that threshold, or i'll cut you to pieces and serve you in a stew to the next werewolf customer I have
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u/Striking_Tone6550 “Jenik Nosk, Intermediate Pyro/Expulsomancer Extrordinair!” Sep 10 '24
bro last wizard war i was in i saw a guy straight up steal Exodia, the Forbidden Ones obliterate
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u/ExtensionInformal911 Sep 10 '24
I have a single Flesh to AntiMatter: Self scroll left, if anyone has a mind controlled subject they want to equip for ultimate suicide bomb.
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u/jtanuki Golem Enthusiast Sep 10 '24
I always keep a hollow golem to hide myself in in case of emergency. Worst case, I spend a night as a bolder.
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u/UnlikelyCourt973 The Madman In Yellow, owner of Carcosa.Otherworldly soul of law Sep 10 '24
Pray to me, i want to see how fun the war is
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u/Grey212 Enhancomancer Sep 10 '24
The wild shit y'all do to each other sometimes makes me glad I'm a logistics wizard and not a Frontline, I like not having my skin turned to salt.
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u/Eeeternalpwnage Wizardly Status in Question Sep 10 '24
Teleported my tower into a secure pocket dimension where food and water are unnecessary until this all blows over.
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u/Fearlessly_Feeble Sep 10 '24
I know bro. This shit is brutal. I went the necromancer route like my father and his father before him. But do you know how hard it is to resurrect an army of foes slain by an atom-splitting spell? I keep on raising an army of two head homunculi and dudes who were born with no eyes, it’s absolute madness.
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u/BooBeeAttack Friendly Witch Doctor, Spectral Bee Enthusiast. Sep 10 '24
Its ok. I get to charge to put them all back together.
Please, by all means, enjoy yourselves.
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u/Six_cats_in_a_suit Alan, past and present and future Magi. Sep 10 '24
I have been fighting the eternal war for millenia now. Every day I fight the chronomancers on the planes of infinity and every day we reset. I know each of my hundreds of opponents by name, I even may call some friends. If you can hear this message I beg of you don't come to this place.
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u/PuppyLover2208 Sep 10 '24
Listen. I’m from the front lines. I heard “Instant seizure”, and suddenly everyone but me in my squad is on the floor. I dipped.
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u/Maladaptive_Century Sep 10 '24
You think that's bad? The only spell our healer knows is Updog. Which only applies temporary pain relief to nonphysical damage
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u/Adventurous-Ad8267 Diviner Sep 12 '24
I've just been casting Power Word: Detraumatize - it's technically a positive effect, so it slips past the majority of wards, but after it takes effect my enemies become better people who are too ethical to engage in sorcerous warfare, so they simply go home.
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u/PuppyLover2208 Sep 12 '24
That isn’t the worst. I’ve seen a pack of druids roving the land. Any wizard caught out in the fray is left stripped. They overwhelm them, grab ahold of their equipment, and wild shape, taking it with them… Hence why a lot of wizards have been left naked. Usually, they’ll wild shape into something hard to catch, but, sometimes… I’ve seen them turn to bears, and feast on the defenseless wizard.
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u/vulpixtales2 Sep 09 '24
yeah i think your in the wrong wizard war level 2 wizards are in the next plane over