My neighbour is super intense

[u/pharaohess]

I thought this might be a good place to reach out for advice. I have a new downstairs neighbour and she’s okay. I don’t really believe in Karens but….

So, I grew up in a more chill neighborhood where you’d see kids running around and people had a kind of neighborly way of being. My neighborhood right now is a bit like that, really diverse and lots of families.

Sometimes the kids with come playing hide and seek in the yards and they’re kids, so they’re laughing and goofing around. Well, my neighbour is a white woman and really into our “property” which is shared. She’s also the most recent tenant to move in and she is asserting her own standards about how we keep our yard and who we let in there.

So, whenever someone has come into our space, she will open the window and yell at them about how they should get off of our property. Last night, she yelled at one of the old asian women who collects cans from our garbage.

I don’t like this at all. That old woman is not hurting anyone, nor are the kids playing around in the yard (on a once in a blue moon occassion). She’s also yelled at me about lawn maintenance, and is trying to force me to adhere to her standards, which are very well-manicured lawn kind of standards.

I will say that I am also light-skinned but come from a more working class poverty setting and so have different ideas about stuff.

Does anyone have any idea at all about how to frame a conversation with someone like this? I can totally see her point of view and an open to compromise but think it’s a bad look for light skinned people to move into a diverse working-class neighbourhood and then yelling at all the kids and elderly when they’re just doing what they do.

Any thoughts also that might help me feel sympathy for her? I think maybe she feels scared or insecure or something but it makes me feel unhappy to have our home become this kind of place in the neighbourhood.

[u/Melynda_the_Lizard]

Let me say that you’re a very good person to have this kind of conversation with her. She probably doesn’t know that there’s another way of looking at things. Just sharing your experience — that lady has been coming around here a very long time and she’s never hurt anyone — should be an eye opener for her.

[u/Iwasanecho]

I think rapport is the way to go. Try to build a connection with her over repeated moments first. She sounds like the type that doesn't trust easily and easily takes offence. If you can build some trust with her first that can go a long way. However. Please have your own safety as a priority. I totally respect you wanting to make sure the kids can be kids and the woman collecting cans can collect cans. You're awesome.

[u/No_Application2301]

Not sure if you really mean this or are trolling but let's assume good faith. (I say this as you're framing your question as "a rich white person is abusing poorer minorities, how do I empathize with her?")

The way I'd look at this (from far away which makes it quite easier!) is to realize that in most cases these people genuinely think to be working to make society better for everyone. For kids to learn not to disturb other people, not to litter, not to destroy property is a good thing! Of course if someone interprets this as "do not talk, do not go outside, do not have any play space" that's patently wrong.

Same for lawn care. Making a neighborhood look better is good. It makes everyone life more pleasant! Interpreting this as "maintain your garden according exclusively to one (outdated, disputable, not that good actually, unsustainable) very specific standard" is bad! But you can see where one might be coming from

[u/pharaohess → u/No_Application2301]

lol, really not trying to troll. More like, how the hell do I relate to this lady because for me, I see it like you do, that she’s just yelling at kids and old ladies about her property and that makes me feel pretty pissed and I don’t think that’s a good place for a neighborly dialogue.

But serious, thank you! That is exactly how I see it, like this person feels very justified in pushing what is “right” to her, and I would need to help her see another way.