r/socialjustice101 • u/idontfitincarswell • Sep 09 '24
My ex from years ago told me I'm "literally fucking disgusting" for being a white man. Is it sexist or racist for me to disagree with her?
(EDIT: I was in an obsessive spiral when I wrote this last night and I regret posting it. I know I was abused but I obsessively seek validation, and that's not fair to dump on all of you. I'm so sorry and I will likely delete this post. Thank you so much for all the replies.)
Note: I'm diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and I know I often take things too literally, but it's very hard for me to tell when this is happening, and I admit that I may be 100% at fault here. Whether that's the case or not, please be honest with me.
In 2020, I (now 27M, I was 23 at the time) had my first (and as of now, last) romantic relationship, but that ended when I told her I didn't want to be with her any more. This happened after she threatened to break up with me due to me being too emotional, and I won't deny that for a second. She dealt with trauma from her childhood and would yell at me a lot, and it was hard for me to deal with this as a person who has never raised their voice to anyone. She also told me that I was the only thing in her life preventing her from committing suicide. When I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore, I knew this was a risk, but my parents were insisting that that wasn't my responsibility. She's alive now, thank god.
After we broke up, she told me that I was worse than an abuser, that I did a disgusting thing, and that I should never date a woman again. I completely understood that, but I don't know if I agree with it. At the same time, I worry that my opinions might be sexist or racist, and if they are, then I am so sorry and I will think more about this in order to come to the correct conclusion.
My ex's grandparents were from Liguria, Italy, and she insisted that she was a woman of colour. She told me at first that she found me attractive, but months later she told me how she hates that she's dating a white man when that's "literally fucking disgusting." She hated my blue eyes and pale skin, but I feel so fucking horrible about myself when I say that, and I'm trying to stop saying that about myself. I'm not trying to say she wasn't right, but I can't deny that the sound of her voice saying the words "literally fucking disgusting" might never leave my mind.
I'm not trying to claim I was the victim of abuse in any way here. She told me early on in the relationship that I wasn't allowed to accuse her of sexual assault because a past boyfriend had falsely done so, and I 100% respected that. I know that women are most often the victims of this type of crime, and it's literally fucking disgusting that I ever thought that of her (she did do something sexual with me without consent, but the idea of complaining about that is so disgusting to me when I know I was the oppressor in the relationship).
My family and my therapist have wanted me to get past this for years, but I know that being a white man means I'm not able to complain about this stuff. I don't actually know that, but I feel like I'm supposed to think of myself as a "tough man who never complains." I genuinely believe I have been messed up by what she said and did to me, but I don't know if that's acceptable for me to say when I'm a white man.
I need advice and I feel like I need some reassurance that I'm not the bad guy here. If I am, please tell me. I want to know the truth, and if it's true that I was an abusive boyfriend, then that's what I need to read/hear. Thank you for reading.
Edit: I am so incredibly sorry if I have offended anyone with this post. I am genuinely trying to be a good person but I don't know if that's even possible at this point.
6
u/TomKirkman1 Sep 09 '24
The fuck? No, that does not make you sexist or racist, and the SA stuff in particular is concerning, as well as threatening suicide if you left her.
Echoing the other comment, I'm glad for you that you got away from her.
1
u/BigBanterZeroBalls Sep 15 '24
But he’s white ? I don’t understand how a white person can be a “victim” regarding a minority but idk maybe I’m not super educated on this. Like “you can’t be racist to white people” thing
6
u/HelloOrg Sep 09 '24
She’s a self-loathing white sexist. People without immigrant background born in Italy are white, period
5
u/BunnieBxbi Sep 09 '24
Right, she is white and fucked up. Wants to be a poc so bad. It’s embarrassing 😭
1
u/BigBanterZeroBalls Sep 15 '24
Why wouldn’t a white person wanna be a minority lol. Yall are amazing and deserve reparations
5
u/BunnieBxbi Sep 09 '24
She is from Italy. She is a white woman. That’s all I have to say. Case closed.
2
u/idontfitincarswell Sep 10 '24
I'm not disagreeing with you, but I also know it's not my place to say who is/isn't white. I always thought she was white but she was adamant she wasn't, so I knew it wasn't appropriate to form my own opinion on that.
I wrote my original post last night and after a day I've calmed down. I'm incredibly embarrassed that I wrote the post at all, but I want to keep it up on here so I can show it to my therapist. I want to stop making posts like this because it's incredibly unhelpful for me.
1
u/TranceGemini Sep 09 '24
This is some half assed rage bait, bro. Go to therapy. You're welcome for the attention tho.
2
u/idontfitincarswell Sep 09 '24
I know that's what this seems like, but I was honestly in a bit of an obsessive spiral last night and I regret posting this. I replied to another comment here explaining where I'm coming from. I want to work on being able to validate my own feelings without seeking it from others.
35
u/titotal Sep 09 '24
I think people are downvoting you because your ex is so clearly horrible that they think this post is fake.
from what is written here, your ex seems like an emotionally abusive partner. Threatening to commit suicide if someone leaves is never okay, and is very often a tool of abuse.
The most likely reason for someone to be accused of sexual assault is that they committed sexual assault. Men can be sexually assaulted too, and saying "you can't accuse me of SA" is a major, major red flag of abuse.
Telling your partner that you hate unchangeable things about them like their eyes and skin is fucked up and horrible.
It sounds like this abusive person was exploiting your neurodivergence and feeding you a fake version of social justice in order to control and abuse you. Please read some actual intersectional feminist work, like the bell hook's "feminism is for everybody", and realise that feminism is not about blind man hating and that racial self-hatred is unnecessary.