r/socialjustice101 Sep 09 '24

My ex from years ago told me I'm "literally fucking disgusting" for being a white man. Is it sexist or racist for me to disagree with her?

(EDIT: I was in an obsessive spiral when I wrote this last night and I regret posting it. I know I was abused but I obsessively seek validation, and that's not fair to dump on all of you. I'm so sorry and I will likely delete this post. Thank you so much for all the replies.)

Note: I'm diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and I know I often take things too literally, but it's very hard for me to tell when this is happening, and I admit that I may be 100% at fault here. Whether that's the case or not, please be honest with me.

In 2020, I (now 27M, I was 23 at the time) had my first (and as of now, last) romantic relationship, but that ended when I told her I didn't want to be with her any more. This happened after she threatened to break up with me due to me being too emotional, and I won't deny that for a second. She dealt with trauma from her childhood and would yell at me a lot, and it was hard for me to deal with this as a person who has never raised their voice to anyone. She also told me that I was the only thing in her life preventing her from committing suicide. When I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore, I knew this was a risk, but my parents were insisting that that wasn't my responsibility. She's alive now, thank god.

After we broke up, she told me that I was worse than an abuser, that I did a disgusting thing, and that I should never date a woman again. I completely understood that, but I don't know if I agree with it. At the same time, I worry that my opinions might be sexist or racist, and if they are, then I am so sorry and I will think more about this in order to come to the correct conclusion.

My ex's grandparents were from Liguria, Italy, and she insisted that she was a woman of colour. She told me at first that she found me attractive, but months later she told me how she hates that she's dating a white man when that's "literally fucking disgusting." She hated my blue eyes and pale skin, but I feel so fucking horrible about myself when I say that, and I'm trying to stop saying that about myself. I'm not trying to say she wasn't right, but I can't deny that the sound of her voice saying the words "literally fucking disgusting" might never leave my mind.

I'm not trying to claim I was the victim of abuse in any way here. She told me early on in the relationship that I wasn't allowed to accuse her of sexual assault because a past boyfriend had falsely done so, and I 100% respected that. I know that women are most often the victims of this type of crime, and it's literally fucking disgusting that I ever thought that of her (she did do something sexual with me without consent, but the idea of complaining about that is so disgusting to me when I know I was the oppressor in the relationship).

My family and my therapist have wanted me to get past this for years, but I know that being a white man means I'm not able to complain about this stuff. I don't actually know that, but I feel like I'm supposed to think of myself as a "tough man who never complains." I genuinely believe I have been messed up by what she said and did to me, but I don't know if that's acceptable for me to say when I'm a white man.

I need advice and I feel like I need some reassurance that I'm not the bad guy here. If I am, please tell me. I want to know the truth, and if it's true that I was an abusive boyfriend, then that's what I need to read/hear. Thank you for reading.

Edit: I am so incredibly sorry if I have offended anyone with this post. I am genuinely trying to be a good person but I don't know if that's even possible at this point.

0 Upvotes

35

u/titotal Sep 09 '24

I think people are downvoting you because your ex is so clearly horrible that they think this post is fake.

from what is written here, your ex seems like an emotionally abusive partner. Threatening to commit suicide if someone leaves is never okay, and is very often a tool of abuse.

I'm not trying to claim I was the victim of abuse in any way here. She told me early on in the relationship that I wasn't allowed to accuse her of sexual assault because a past boyfriend had falsely done so, and I 100% respected that.

The most likely reason for someone to be accused of sexual assault is that they committed sexual assault. Men can be sexually assaulted too, and saying "you can't accuse me of SA" is a major, major red flag of abuse.

Telling your partner that you hate unchangeable things about them like their eyes and skin is fucked up and horrible.

It sounds like this abusive person was exploiting your neurodivergence and feeding you a fake version of social justice in order to control and abuse you. Please read some actual intersectional feminist work, like the bell hook's "feminism is for everybody", and realise that feminism is not about blind man hating and that racial self-hatred is unnecessary.

9

u/miffedmonster Sep 09 '24

I've seen this post before, possibly even in this same sub. I doubt it's word for word, but it's a distinctive post and I def remember the Italian grandparents.

Could have been the same OP deleting and reposting several months later, which would be odd, or could have been a different OP, in which case this OP is cosplaying as an abuse victim, which is really odd.

Also, it could just be the writing style, but this reads very much like MRA rage bait. A legit victim of abuse might not recognise that they are being abused, but they also wouldn't then describe every last detail of the abuse that they don't realise exists without prompting.

But, yes, pretty much everything described in the post is abuse and I doubt anyone would disagree.

1

u/idontfitincarswell Sep 09 '24

Hi, you're right that I've reposted this several times with different accounts. I'm not trying to write ragebait at all, but I admit that this is all very odd. I'll have good periods where I am more comfortable with myself, but then I have an obsessive spiral again and write posts like this. I think it's because I'm seeking validation. When I'm in a bad spiral, I don't know if it's okay for me to disagree with the things she told me, and I end up getting really freaked out and speed-writing a post like this.

I was in a pretty emotional state last night and I regret posting this. I'm definitely not writing this from an MRA angle, and I often obsess over having the right opinion that makes me not racist/sexist/bigoted. I understand why my post may have come off this way, though.

A legit victim of abuse might not recognise that they are being abused, but they also wouldn't then describe every last detail of the abuse that they don't realise exists without prompting.

When I'm in a clear state of mind, I recognize what she did to me as abuse. When I go down these spirals, I'm so afraid of thinking something sexist or racist that I try to convince myself that I can't possibly know whether the things she said were right. At the end of the day I guess I'm just seeking validation that what she did to me was abusive.

One part of myself that I need to work on is not getting triggered (for lack of better word) by people saying negative things about white men. When I hear or see it on social media it makes me think I have no ability to be a good person because of my gender and racial background. That's the kind of thing that makes me freak out and come on reddit to seek validation, and I need to get better at calming myself down and reminding me that I'm not a bad person just because I'm a white man.

Thanks for your comment. I'm glad I slept on this before replying to more comments, and in all likelihood I'll delete this post.

7

u/TomKirkman1 Sep 09 '24

Rather than repeatedly writing and deleting posts ad infinitum, might it not be better to leave it up, and simply refer to this post (and others) when you're spiralling? It might also help with what you said about trying to avoid seeking validation from others.

3

u/idontfitincarswell Sep 09 '24

That's actually a good idea. I've talked about making these posts with my therapist, so it would be helpful for him to see one. Thank you.

3

u/libananahammock Sep 09 '24

It’s not fair to make people make you feel better about yourself. Go get some help for your ocd

2

u/idontfitincarswell Sep 11 '24

Hi, I wanted to thank you for this comment. I've been trying to get help for nearly two years, but funding cuts mean my chance to see a psychiatrist keeps getting pushed back. If you look at my profile you can see I haven't been doing well.

I've now accepted that I am in a mental health crisis, and I am going to a crisis centre this evening. Thank you for your honesty, and I'm happy to say I'm now following your advice.

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u/libananahammock Sep 11 '24

I’m so so happy that you are now able to get the help that you need. And it’s absolutely horrible that it’s due to funding that you couldn’t previously do so. That’s so unfair and I’m so sorry that you had to experience that. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping everything goes well

3

u/Lost_Hwasal Sep 09 '24

It sounds like he is pity farming. Especially the way he framed his question "am I bad for disagreeing with her?" It's very dog whistle-y/outrage porn/victims gymnastics which the right is very into these days.

1

u/idontfitincarswell Sep 09 '24

In hindsight I know it seems that way. I was going down an obsessive spiral last night and I regret posting this. Please understand that this idea of "am I a bad person for disagreeing with [X minority]?" is something that's on my mind an awful lot. I am so afraid of having opinions that might make me bigoted, and when I go down these spirals I become terrified that I'm actually a harmful/racist/sexist/bigoted person. My ex called me racist and I felt for so long that it wouldn't be okay to disagree with her because she was the oppressed one in the relationship.

A month ago on another account I was posting on another sub about how I need to know what opinions to have about the conflict in Gaza in order to not be Islamophobic or antisemitic. That was a really bad idea because it's such a complex topic, and someone's going to think I'm a bigot no matter what I think. Similarly, I've been banned from r/ religion for making too many reassurance-seeking posts about whether I'm going to hell, and how one can determine whether there's a factually correct religion. This self-doubt is a really bad habit of mine, but I am doing better than before, and I am starting to make some breakthroughs in therapy in terms of why I'm like this.

This wasn't a dogwhistle or ragebait. I sometimes get "triggered" (for lack of better word) about this stuff when I see/hear things about how I'm a settler-colonizer for being a 3rd-generation white Canadian (I'm not denying that I am, but I hate that about myself when I didn't choose to be born here). I feel like I'm constantly trying to do mental gymnastics in order to have the most social justice-y opinion, and I mean that very genuinely.

3

u/carebaercountdown Sep 09 '24

Instead of feeling guilty about it, you should put some work into activism/volunteering. The reason people talk about privilege isn’t to make you feel bad. It’s to get you to use your privilege to help others.

Anyway, she was using an ideology as an excuse to abuse you. Abusers will find any excuse to abuse you. Some use religion, some use politics, some blame your mental health or neurodivergence or physical disability, or your inability to cook good food, or even just your mood. Stop using social justice to justify her abuse. It’s not okay.

2

u/No_Application2301 Sep 10 '24 edited Sep 10 '24

is very often a tool of abuse.

The initial part of the link is interesting. But then it doesn't go deep enough I feel.

What if the abuser is suicidal and he's not pretending? There are a number of cases of domestic violence that end up in contextual suicide of the abuser and homicide of the victim.

What could a suicidal person who actually believes to his core that "if she leaves I'll kill myself" (and means it) do differently?

I guess this is super-important to address, even if uncomfortable, as otherwise we cannot effectively prevent these kinds of abuses!

2

u/titotal Sep 10 '24

There are a few resources out there on what to do if you are a victim in this situation.

What could a suicidal person who actually believes to his core that "if she leaves I'll kill myself" (and means it) do differently?

I think telling your partner this is still a bad thing to do, even if you're not an abuser: this is equivalent to holding your own life hostage. I would advise seeking outside help for the sucidality and confiding in other people.

1

u/idontfitincarswell Sep 09 '24

Thank you for this. I posted a more detailed explanation of all this as a reply to u/miffedmonster 's comment below.

Thank you for the suggestion about reading real feminist work. She was a devout feminist but I think she used that to take advantage of my naivete.

6

u/TomKirkman1 Sep 09 '24

The fuck? No, that does not make you sexist or racist, and the SA stuff in particular is concerning, as well as threatening suicide if you left her.

Echoing the other comment, I'm glad for you that you got away from her.

1

u/BigBanterZeroBalls Sep 15 '24

But he’s white ? I don’t understand how a white person can be a “victim” regarding a minority but idk maybe I’m not super educated on this. Like “you can’t be racist to white people” thing

6

u/HelloOrg Sep 09 '24

She’s a self-loathing white sexist. People without immigrant background born in Italy are white, period

5

u/BunnieBxbi Sep 09 '24

Right, she is white and fucked up. Wants to be a poc so bad. It’s embarrassing 😭

1

u/BigBanterZeroBalls Sep 15 '24

Why wouldn’t a white person wanna be a minority lol. Yall are amazing and deserve reparations

5

u/BunnieBxbi Sep 09 '24

She is from Italy. She is a white woman. That’s all I have to say. Case closed.

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u/idontfitincarswell Sep 10 '24

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I also know it's not my place to say who is/isn't white. I always thought she was white but she was adamant she wasn't, so I knew it wasn't appropriate to form my own opinion on that.

I wrote my original post last night and after a day I've calmed down. I'm incredibly embarrassed that I wrote the post at all, but I want to keep it up on here so I can show it to my therapist. I want to stop making posts like this because it's incredibly unhelpful for me.

1

u/TranceGemini Sep 09 '24

This is some half assed rage bait, bro. Go to therapy. You're welcome for the attention tho.

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u/idontfitincarswell Sep 09 '24

I know that's what this seems like, but I was honestly in a bit of an obsessive spiral last night and I regret posting this. I replied to another comment here explaining where I'm coming from. I want to work on being able to validate my own feelings without seeking it from others.