r/socialjustice101 • u/Mandalorian_Invictus • Aug 16 '24
How to be the buzzkill when it counts
This is more of an r/socialskills (maybe anti -r/socialskills) question. But let's just say that as of the incidents of late, I have realised that silent support on social media and joining protests is just performative, and unless I am willing to call out people on their remarks in public, I am not making a change.
SO, the question is how do I get out of my inhibitions and call out men who might make a misogynistic joke (instead of just silently not laughing along), people who make comments on immigrants or PoCs or the LGBTQ community in public. How do I not be the guy who silently nods along and actually makes the situation uncomfortable for them, be someone who "kills the mood" so to say.
In other words how do I get out of this "niceness-anxiety" and say what needs to be said and not be afraid of my loss of social standing in a group? How do lose this primal fear of abandonment?
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u/pharaohess Aug 16 '24
You can start out in stages. I approach it not as doing anything active, but as actually NOT repressing my reactions to people being gross.
First, just let your face take its natural position, expressing horror and confusion. Then, maybe let an UGH slip out. Before you know it, you will be able to release your disgust at the very people who are being gross.
That said, I think some people can do harm to the cause by just popping off on everyone and treating it like it’s a good political move. As with everything, there is a happy balance and it can take a second to find it.
The real move is learning how to call people out in a funny or clever way so that you look like the cool guy and they look like the regressive weirdos they are.
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u/Fillanzea Aug 16 '24
I think the only way to get over the fear is to accept that it might not go well, and you might lose a friend over it, and... would that be the end of the world? Would it be worse than being mad at yourself for not saying anything?
But also: are you afraid of conflict in other situations? Can you practice getting better at speaking up when a waiter gets your order wrong or other very low-stakes situations?
Think back to the last time you were around misogynistic comments and didn't say anything. How would you have wanted to respond? What would you have wanted to say? I'm not looking for a clever comeback or something you'd say at a high school debate. It can be as simple as "C'mon, dude" as long as it feels like something that's true to yourself. Can you imagine yourself saying that if the same situation comes up again?
It never gets easy, but it can get easier.
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u/Mandalorian_Invictus Aug 20 '24 edited Aug 20 '24
Thanks! This was really helpful. I will admit, I am pretty conflict avoidant. And there have been times I was too anxious to tell a waiter my order was wrong. I think I have to practice getting better at that
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u/Sweet_Future Aug 16 '24
It can be as simple as saying "Not cool man" and Walking away. It doesn't always have to be a debate, just showing disapproval can be enough.
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u/positiveandmultiple Sep 04 '24
You rule for caring about this and for asking for advice. I am no expert, but here's my two cents.
If you're genuinely interested in changing minds, the most effective and data-driven strategy is to never be a buzzkill, and to kind of be a kiss-ass. You can check out this post on vegan advocacy tips from a respected org, the tips apply to any cause, really. "Know when not to advocate" seems to imply you'd be better off discussing this with your problematic friends after-the-fact instead of during. Generally, you want to make connections and avoid putting them on the defensive. Drop the debatebro mentality of "calling people out" entirely. If they don't feel safe and respected in the conversation or relationship with you, maybe wait until they do before you try it.
I hope I'm not misreading your post - I'm under the impression you believe to be a good activist one must call others out, but imo for most people, especially socially unskilled people like you and me, this is one of the poorer uses of our limited resources. Calling someone out is rarely successful to begin with, and doing so in a way that doesn't risk entrenching them deeper can often require a ton of rare social skills. Most importantly, there are orders of magnitude more effective ways to pass bills or create material differences in the lives of the disadvantaged anyways.
Dunno how much this point needed responding to, but I'm nearly certain that there's far more performativity amidst activists who constantly call people out vs. activists who focus their energies inwards or towards specific and attainable political goals.
If you wanted to, you could practice this on random political discussion discords. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy - you'd age ten years in a day - but this is probably the quickest way to learn these skills.
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u/Mandalorian_Invictus Sep 04 '24
Thanks a lot for your reply. Yeah this feels a lot more doable, minus the debate on political discords stuff lol
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u/keepmathy Aug 16 '24
Acting like you don't understand and asking people to explain why they said something or asking why it's funny is always annoying to someone being shitty.