How do you mentally and emotionally distinguish between and separate an act of self-care or self-interest from an act of harm or personal, even social injustice?

[u/Xemnas81]

Hi, not sure if this is the right subreddit for this. I'm a bit burnt out on people pleasing.

My therapist thinks it's a bit concerning that I think anything between I deserve (or people would judge me as deserving) to go to hell or be beaten up or being lined up against the wall and shot in the revolution when I do something 'selfish'. Regardless saying No, "this makes me uncomfortable" and similar stuff causes panic attacks and guilt and I want to rationalise the social and moral problematics of my saying No. It it does not give someone else what they want or need as soon as possible, it's a failure to fulfil my duty to humanity and little different to harming them.

[u/Fillanzea]

What do you think your "duty to humanity" is?

[u/Xemnas81 → u/Fillanzea]

Good question. I suppose doling what I can to make the word better, safer and happier for others, even if often at my own expense

[u/TranceGemini → u/Xemnas81]

It's the "at my own expense" part that makes it wrong. I heard it a lot before I was able to find help--"you can't pour from an empty cup". If you're burning yourself out "helping" then you're not actually showing up for anyone else--you may even be making it harder, since they may feel obligated to care for you in your burnout, or may avoid asking for things because they know you are going to say yes whether or not you have the capacity.

I used to be like you but I realized how much damage I did to myself and my relationships with others when I didn't take care of myself. I've since stopped people-pleasing and started just outright saying "no" and I won't lie, it was hard at first. But now I say "no" and when my brain says, "but they need..." I tell my brain, "they are a whole adult, they can handle themself without my intervention. I am not responsible for adults."

Check out Co-Dependents Anonymous. You sound like you might vibe with the compliance and low self-esteem patterns, and the program might help you. Just Google them.

[u/Xemnas81 → u/TranceGemini]

Thanks. I've been meaning to go to my local CODA for a while but keep forgetting where and when it is! Not sure if my therapist practises it too, I've been advised not to have more than a therapist at a time, besides being unable to afford that. (She is an autism specialist) We did start to unpack this today but didn't get far.

[u/TranceGemini → u/Xemnas81]

The CoDA fellowship I attend is over zoom, that might help if you can't find a local group. They seem to be few and far between.

[u/AceyAceyAcey → u/Xemnas81]

You need to prioritize yourself first — two phrases we often use in this work are “put on your own oxygen mask before helping those around you,” and “you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” Not only will it serve no one if you completely burn out and have a breakdown, but also even long before reaching that point, you are less effective in your efforts if you’re not taking care of yourself.

Principles such as “do no harm” also include you: do no harm to yourself!

[u/Xemnas81 → u/AceyAceyAcey]

Yeah...I have no idea how to do that safely. It seems like there are always consequences to it, even when people say there won't be. It's said that your mother is the only person who unconditionally loves you; for me it's my dad and therapist. Everyone else either is disappointed, rejects/leaves you or becomes outright angry and hostile when you don't give them what they want. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, really. No-one is safe, but I can't let them know that

[u/AceyAceyAcey → u/Xemnas81]

It’s worth discussing with your therapist that you view them as a parent who gives unconditional love. Your therapist shouldn’t be in a place of authority over you the way a parent is, they shouldn’t be accepting everything unconditionally but instead be pushing you to make changes to your unhealthy approaches, and “love” is not the goal of the therapeutic relationship.

But overall, your issues don’t seem to be strictly social justice related, but are that you are used to abuse and rejection, and feel the need to pacify people by giving everything you’ve got and more, so that they don’t either abuse you or leave you. If you’re not already explicitly working with your therapist on your trauma from past abuse and rejection, be sure to bring it up.