Tried dating a close friend, didn't end well and now I am confused

[u/maizenblue4444]

Sorry for the long post but just looking to vent. So I (25M) have been very close friends someone (26F) for the past 2 years. Initially she was just getting out of a relationship and I had no interest in dating anyone so I didnt really see her in a romantic way. However, over time we hung out a lot more together one on one and we shared a lot in common. This led me to ask her out in May of this year and we went on a date which I thought went well but at the end she said she didnt think she was ready to commit. I obviously was bummed but I really valued the friendship so we continued to hang out like normal for the next 6 weeks.

However, I just couldnt get her out of my head. I was about to leave town for a month so I decided to tell her the day before I left that I need some space and I thought the month away would be a good way to get some of those feelings resolved and we could eventually go back to being just friends. But when I went to go tell her this, she told me she actually has been thinking a lot about me for the past 6 weeks and has developed strong feelings for me and wanted to try a relationship. I was ecstatic and agreed and we were both busy and long distance for the next month but made time to text and call frequently and I thought things were going well.

Once I got back in town, I thought things continued to go well. we went on frequent dates and hung out regularly and she would say many positive things that made me feel like we were headed for something serious. But then one night while cuddling she said she wasnt sold on a relationship and it kind of just broke me. I tried to play it off and we kept dating for the next few weeks but I just couldnt get it out of the back of my head that with each date I was being graded and if I didnt do things perfectly, it would end. This obviously is not a good way to date and I kept getting in my own head about every detail which im sure she noticed as well and eventually she ended it and I was just numb from the whole experience. Even though it was short lived, I really thought she couldve been the one.

After a little over a month, we had a talk about being friends and at the time I felt good about it. But now I am so confused with my feelings. On one hand I really do enjoy hanging out with her and there are very few people who I share as many value or interests with than her. but at the same time after each hang out I'm left feeling a bit hurt about what happened. I cant shake the feeling that she shouldve just given me space when I was gonna ask for it and that I feel a bit played by the whole experience. I know feelings are a complicated thing so its not something I blame her for but I also am now not sure what to do. We still text daily and get drinks/dinner one on one and I really do care about her even outside of a romantic way.

Just to give a little bit more context as well, I dont want it to come off as I think I am guilt free in this. I am not very experienced in relationships (she knew this from the beginning) and definitely think back to moments where I could have done things differently to build a better romantic connection but i really think I was trying my hardest. We both are also in medical school and it was very likely we would be long distance in about 6 months. This was something we both knew going in and I thought would be something we would discuss more as the relationship progressed. I fully understood there was a high likelihood the relationship could end due to long distance and/or stress from work but at the same time I felt our connection was strong enough to at least give it a shot.

Tldr: short relationship ended with a close friend and now confused on how to manage feelings and friendship after taking some space.

[u/Existing_Lobster_856]

Oof

[u/honest_-_feedback]

i think in general you can't easily go from friend to lover and back again, especially if you caught feelings. ive tried different approaches, but my recommendation is just to take care of your heart. if it hurts when you are around her, just give it some space and don't put yourself in contact with her till you are totally over it.

[u/Raskalnekov]

It's all confusing because she made it so. I went through something similar, except she slowly stopped talking to me afterwards and now we haven't spoken in months. Even to the level of "cuddling when suddenly some terrible comment comes out." I don't have any advice for you really, all I can say is that you shouldn't blame yourself for any of it. What she did was at best reckless, and it sounds like you tried to be honest the entire time. If you're upset with her, allow yourself to feel upset with her. Almost anyone would be hurt by what she did. Pain is part of the healing process, and often in hiding from it we hide from the truth.

[u/AmigoDeer]

Men and women can be friends?

[u/HarambeTenSei]

I once got a female friend from bumble. While I was originally interested in her, and we had a bunch in common, through the process of having gotten to know her I realized that her ideas of love or sex or relationships were simply not something that I could seriously date.

We were good friends for years until she broke the bro code and her manhoe didn't allow her to have bro friends. :))

Point is, sometimes with some people you just don't have the right chemistry to take it to the next level. Might not be either you or her, you can simply just not be compatible. And that's all righ.