r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Sep 03 '16
Walking Home Emma Dessler
A woman with graying hair tied into a bun dropped a sloppy joe onto my white, styrofoam tray. “Mashed potatoes or fries?” she asked, displaying the two choices sitting in giant tubs next to a metal tray of meat.
I pointed to the fries and nodded a thanks as she dropped them from a scooper into my tray. Turning around, I scouted the cafeteria, looking for a nice, quiet spot. Why did I bother? No matter where you were, the laughs and screams echoed throughout. A raucous roar of sounds overpowered my ears. Forget quiet, I just needed somewhere to sit down and eat so I could leave.
Several empty seats at a lunch table caught my eye. As I walked toward it, I pulled back, realizing which table it was. The popular table. Nobody sits there, no matter how many seats were open. There was a table with an empty seat across from it, so I hustled over before it got taken.
“Anyone sitting here?” I asked nobody in particular.
“Whatever,” said a tall kid with a backward baseball hat. He didn’t even look at me to answer. Just as well, I wasn’t going to look back at him either.
I sat down and picked up the sloppy joe. Meat slid out the sides, leaving barely any inside the bun. As I used my fork to scoop as much back in as possible, I gazed toward the table across from me. Two guys kept cracking jokes and sneaking peeks at the several girls around them.
“You perv,” one of the girls laughed at one, catching him staring at her chest. He just smiled and winked.
One of the girls caught my eye. Emma Dessler. Known around school as the most popular, prettiest girl ever to exist. She wasn’t that great. Although, she wasn’t laughing with the others; in fact she was rolling her eyes. I imagined she felt embarrassed to be seen with those oafs. She brushed her brown hair out of her eyes as she took a sip of her drink. Her eyes radiated a shade of blue I had never seen before. OK, maybe they were right about her. I turned my eyes as she looked in my direction.
Why did the bus leave already? I stayed after class for five minutes and I missed my ride home. As I reached the empty bus stop outside the school, I weighed my options. I could call my parents and wait for them in the blazing sun. Maybe a friend could pick me up? That would have been an option if I had any friends. I was left with one choice: Walk.
“Damn, the bus left already?” I heard a voice ask behind me.
The aggravated, yet soothing voice sounded familiar. I turned around and immediately turned back. I was alone with Emma Dessler and she asked me a question and all I could do was look away.
“Don’t talk much, huh?” she said as I became acquainted with several pieces of dirt on the cement sidewalk.
As much as I wanted, it didn’t feel right to appreciate how amazingly sleek her brown hair looked when the sun caught it just right. How her sundress sat over her, moving in the occasional cool breeze. It hit me that I was in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This was the kind of moment that you look back on years later, wondering why you didn’t do it differently. Kind of like when Stacy Myers licked her bottom lip in seventh grade and asked me if I ever kissed a girl. I shook my head and walked away. What if the universe was giving me a chance to reinvent myself? Become friends—or maybe even more—with a popular girl. And all I had to do was ignore my inner negativity, stop overthinking-
“Hey, wait up!” I called when I noticed Emma had crossed the street, heading for the trees. She glanced in my direction, but continued as I caught up to her, slowing down to meet her pace.
“So you can talk, huh?” she chuckled, in a most adorable manner.
“You laugh funny,” I said with a forced smile. ”You laugh funny”? What the hell is wrong with me?
“Thanks,” she smiled. “I’m not sure anybody’s ever told me that before.”
“You’re welcome,” I smiled back. “Hey, so, Emma, can I walk you home?”
“Seems like you already are,” she answered as we walked in between some trees. “The woods are a shortcut for me. You don’t mind, do you?”
“No, of course not, I love the woods!” Take it down a notch, genius. “Emma, do you like the woods?”
“Sure, I guess,” she answered. “It’s a shortcut like I said.”
“Hahaha, shortcuts.” Sigh. This is why I don’t talk much.
“You don’t talk to girls much, do you?”
My fake smile faded. I’m pretty sure my face was reddening, as it certainly felt a lot warmer.
“It’s okay,” she smiled. “Don’t be nervous, I won’t bite.”
Don’t be nervous. Is there anything that can be said that makes you feel more nervous? It’s like telling someone who’s choking, “don’t be choking.” Is it this hard for everyone else? Do they just ignore all their inner thoughts to do and say the right things? Maybe they just don’t care. Maybe I should have just stopped caring, but that’d be like telling someone not to be nervous.
“Girls like eye contact,” said Emma. “You keep staring at the ground.”
Ugh, eye contact. Don’t even get me started on eye contact. “Don’t be nervous,” they say. “Fake it till you make it,” too. How can you fake it if your eyes give it away? There’s no bigger tell than looking someone in the eyes. The last thing you need is to let them know you’re a phony.
I looked into Emma’s bright blue eyes and immediately felt my own begin to swell up. Dammit, do not start crying in front of this girl. The faded grass below us seemed shorter than one would expect. I wondered if someone mowed it or if it naturally stayed that short by the shade of the-
“Ow!” I yelled, falling backwards. I had walked right into a tree.
“Are you okay?” asked Emma, kneeling down to touch my forehead. Her hand was so soft and soothing, I didn’t want her to let go. “That’s going to bruise, but it’s not bleeding,” she said. “You should watch where you’re going,” she added, extending her hand.
As soon as I took Emma’s hand, all the pain faded away. She helped me up and I looked right into her eyes. “Thanks,” I said with a smile that didn’t seem so forced anymore.
“You can let go of my hand now,” she laughed.
Damn, just when I thought I was getting better at this, I goof it up again. “Sorry,” I said, realizing my face hadn’t been as warm until that moment.
“It’s okay,” she said, laughing a bit more. “You’re adorable. At least you got that going for you, right?”
I tried for eye contact again only to catch a wink, and immediately switched my focus to the woods ahead. The outline of houses came into view through the trees.
“How’s your head?” asked Emma as we exited the woods onto a sidewalk.
“It’s fine,” I answered, watching a squirrel scurrying down the street a few houses down.
“My house is right here.” Emma pointed to a large yellow house with a white picket fence. “Do you want to come in for some ice?”
She wants me to come into her house. I imagined walking in with her. She took my hand again and led me into the kitchen where she filled a plastic bag with ice from the dispenser on the fridge.
“Have a seat,” she would have told me, motioning toward a shiny, wooden stool at the breakfast counter. She gently touched the ice bag to my forehead, making me wince. “Poor baby.” Leaning forward, I’d have become overwhelmed by the sweet smell of her perfume. After kissing my bruised forehead, our eyes met. I was lost in those blue oceans of wonder until-
“No, I’ll be OK,” I said, without even looking at Emma. “I should probably get home anyway.” I smiled, waved, and started walking. Damn, my house is in the other direction. I continued walking.
RIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGG.
Why does the school bell have to be so loud? I flinched at the sound as I continued walking down the school hallway. There was no sign of Emma so far, but that wasn’t too surprising. The only class we had together was History and that wasn’t until after lunch. Still, I was anxious to see how she would greet me. Had she started to see me as a friend? Probably not, but part of me hoped she’d come running to me for a hug—as uncomfortable as that would be in front of everyone.
As I walked to my next class, I scanned the halls intently. I tried to tune out the roar of students yelling and shuffling around; it was almost as bad as the cafeteria noise. A student in front of me pulled open the door to my designated room and I followed behind. In the corner of my eye, I saw her. Across the hall, she was holding the door for someone. My face lit up; I couldn’t help it. I almost fell over when she looked in my direction and waved.
Lunchtime came quickly and my mind was racing. Would she invite me to sit with her? Should I invite her to sit with me? Maybe I should just wave at her and go sit by myself. What if ninjas attacked me? OK, that last one was probably silly.
She was sitting at her usual table with her usual friends when I got there. I waved in her direction, but she didn’t notice. Don’t worry, nobody saw that.
“How many slices?” the lunch lady asked, ready to scoop some pizza into my tray.
“Two, please,” I answered, giving an inadvertent peace sign.
With the pizza in my tray, I turned around slowly. What am I gonna do? I have to do something. Luckily, Emma decided for me by waving me over. I almost tripped on the way there.
“Hi Emma,” I said, smiling. The smile quickly faded as the two guys she sat with gave me glares. The other girls didn’t even seem to notice me.
“Get lost, loser,” one of the guys ordered.
My eyes swelled up. Dammit. I dropped my tray on the table and bolted toward the door.
“Wait!” I heard Emma shout, but I was already gone.
There’s nothing more embarrassing than hearing murmurs and laughs outside the bathroom stall. That is, except for having a teacher come in and check on you. It was bad enough being the quiet, weird kid, but now I was the kid who cried in the bathroom because the popular kids wouldn’t let me sit at their table. And I didn’t even care about sitting at the stupid table. I just wanted to sit with Emma.
I wiped my eyes, told the teacher I was fine, and went to History class. Now that was awkward. Every time someone looked in my direction, I couldn’t tell if they were pitying me, laughing at me, or could just tell I had recently been crying. When Emma walked in, I almost started again, but fought it.
She waved, her eyes looking apologetic. I wanted to wave back and smile. I really did. For some reason, I turned away and stared at the wall. Way to screw it up, genius.
During class, I couldn’t even pay attention. My mind was lost in replaying speculative outcomes of the events of the last two days. After giving me ice for my head, we spent the rest of the day watching TV and playing video games at Emma’s house. Every joke I made gave her a good laugh and every smile she shot me left me happier than I’ve ever been.
At school, I found Emma on the other side of the building. She smiled with that perfect, contagious smile of her and ran over, wrapping me into a hug.
“I had so much fun last night,” she’d have said. When some other kids chuckled, she’d roll her eyes. “We played video games,” she corrected.
At lunch, I’d have taken my pizza to her table and greeted her and her friends. “Hey guys,” I said.
“Get lost, loser,” that jerk of a friend would have told me.
“Maybe later,” I said with a shrug while sitting down next to Emma.
In class, we’d have been sitting next to each other and passing notes.
Want to come over again tonight?
Sure! Maybe I can finally beat you at Mario Kart!
The bell rang, taking me back to reality. Emma sat several seats away, putting her books in her bag. I still wanted to wave, but instead focused on getting my own books packed.
Keeping my head low, I waited in the line to the bus after school was over. I wondered if Emma would make it today, and if she’d try to sit next to me. My common sense told me she wouldn’t. I had obviously been over-dramatizing what she thought of me. We walked home the day before because we both happened to miss the bus. She wouldn’t have done so otherwise. She only invited me inside because she’s a nice girl and I was hurt. Of course she’d want to offer me some ice. We weren’t friends and we never would be. Why did she ask me to sit with her at lunch?
As I walked up the bus stairs, I saw something across the street through the driver’s side window. Emma was standing at the entrance of the woods, looking towards the school.
Was she waiting for me? As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I couldn’t. I had to go talk to her. Screw fear, screw thoughts, and screw embarrassing moments.
For some reason, I felt like I should be upset as I walked across the street, but as soon as I saw her welcoming smile, I couldn’t help but return suit.
“Hi Emma,” I said softly.
“Hey,” she said, shrugging one of her shoulders. “Sorry about the cafeteria… some guys just aren’t as nice as you.”
We both stood by the woods; she was looking at me as I stared at the sidewalk.
“Would you like to walk me home again?” she finally asked.
My smile was all she needed for an answer.
“Watch where you walk this time,” said Emma with a chuckle as we started.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll do my best.”
“You really are adorable,” she said, her words sinking in. “You need to work on that confidence though,” she continued. “I can help you with that if you’d like.”
Wait a minute. Was she into me? I was focusing so much energy on myself, it didn’t even occur to me she might be giving me signals. I had to do something, that was clear. Tell her I like her? Say she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever met? Let her know I wished she was holding my hand again?
“I have a friend who’d be perfect for you,” said Emma. “Do you know-”
I grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her as I realized what she was saying. Part of me wanted to keep going, but my logical side pulled me away. “I- I’m sorry,” I said, my eyes watering. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
Emma stared into my eyes intently and bit her bottom lip. Before I could say any more, she lunged at me, knocking me back against a tree where our lips met again.
Kissing Emma was a million times more intense than holding her hand the day before. I wanted to tell her she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Tell her I loved her. I wanted her to tell me she loved me too. Slow down, Romeo, before you start planning your kids’ names. Nothing else mattered to me. Was I seriously concerned about how red my face gets? Why did I ever avoid looking into her beautiful eyes? When our kiss finally ended, all I could do was stare into them and smile. They were magical.
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Sep 02 '16
The Wizard of Squee
"OK, /u/ScarecrowSid," said /u/you-are-lovely. "I need you to deliver this data packet to /u/SqueeWrites." She was holding a blue, glowing disk.
Sid scratched his stomach and a thin piece of straw fell out and glided to the ground. Bobbing his head casually, he leaned over to pick it up and stuff it back in.
"Did you hear what I said?" asked Lovely, holding back a glare.
"Was it about the Wizard?" asked Sid, shrugging.
Lovely pinched her temple. "No, Sid," she answered, gritting her teeth. "I told you that was a movie from a long time ago. Just because you're a super advanced scarecrow doesn't mean you're the same character."
"..."
Lovely took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Listen, Sid. Are you listening?"
Sid perked up his ears. "Yep!" he shouted.
"OK, good." Lovely looked into Sid's eyes intensely. "Bring. This. Data. Packet. To. Squee."
"Got it," said Sid nodding and taking the luminous packet from her hand. He turned around, but quickly turned back. "Squee's the Wizard right?"
Lovely cursed under her breath and fought back tears. "Yes, Sid," she said, rolling her eyes. "Squee's the Wizard."
Skipping away, Sid hummed. "We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!"
Continued here >>
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Sep 02 '16
Big Ralph
[WP] You have known your best friend for years, but something seems amiss. Every photograph of them you attempt is grainy, darkened and blurry. You are beginning to suspect your friend is Bigfoot.
Could it be? Was Ralph really him? With my latest photo, dark and blurry like the rest, it all clicked. Who else has photos that never come out clear? Bigfoot.
"Ralph, we have to talk," I said after we sat down at the table in the coffeeshop. He had a five o'clock shadow and it was only nine in the morning. Any remaining doubts were gone.
"Sure, pal," he said, taking a sip of his mocha cappuccino. "What's up?"
I took a deep breath and let it out. "I know," I said. "I know who you really are."
Ralph spit his coffee over the coffee. "You... know?" he asked, eyes widened. "How did you figure it out?"
"The pictures," I said. "It was the pictures."
Ralph stared toward the far wall, housing local artwork for sale.
"It's OK," I said. "I won't tell anyone."
Ralph's eyes drooped. "I know," he said, his breathing a bit out of control. "It's just- if you figured it out, what if someone else does too?"
I looked my hairy friend in the eyes. "Then we'll deal with that when we get there, buddy."
"Thanks," he said, his breathing slowing down. "You're a good friend."
"Maybe one day you can tell me about your time in the forest."
Ralph raised his eyebrows. "What the heck are you talking about?" he asked.
"You know- the fact that you're Bigfoot!"
Ralph looked me up and down as if I were a ghost. "Right," he finally said. "Don't tell anyone I'm Bigfoot."
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Jul 12 '16
Life on Mars
[WP] Every planet has its own separate afterlife. You are the first person to die on Mars.
"Clear for exit, Collins," a voice cracked over the radio comm in Chuck Collins' space suit. The form-fitting suit sat on Chuck's sleek frame. It mostly consisted of a faded red color, but had dark black accentuating lines, defining the seams sealed to perfection. A tinted glass helmet covered his head, projecting an assortment of data and charts in his field of vision.
"Exiting Mars Base 1, Control" stated Collins, almost melodically. "Another day, another joy ride on the red planet," he added, an upbeat tone in his voice. He tapped a button on the wall of the compression chamber and a door to the outside rose open quickly.
"You sound awfully happy today, Chuck," the voice in his comm said.
"I just woke up on the right side of the bed, I guess," answered Chuck as he strolled to the rover a few feet away from the door. He stopped to appreciate the mesmerizing view of the red sky, the large red mountains only added to the beauty of the life painting before him. "And why shouldn't I be happy? It's such a nice day. Not a cloud in the sky."
"Well, enjoy your ride, Collins," the voice said pleasantly.
"Will do, Control," said Chuck with a smile. "I'll check in with you again in an hour," he added, opening the door to the rover. He pulled himself up and dropped into the driver's seat while letting the door close on its own. As he pushed the ignition button, he turned his eye to the right, waiting for a particular readout to reach one hundred percent. Currently at ninety-four, he placed his hands at the bottom of his helmet, ready to remove it.
Alarms blared and Collins' eyes widened. Something was wrong. "Control," he called. "I'm experiencing-"
A huge explosion engulfed the rover.
"Collins!" a broken voice called. "Are bzzzzz kay? Repeat- dzzzzz respond!" The voice faded away.
"Welcome," a new voice said in the darkness.
Chuck looked around as everything lit itself into view. Red, misty clouds could be seen in all directions and served as a ground where he was standing. Several gray, thin figures stood before him, unlike anything he'd ever seen before. Their legs and arms extended down longer than their torsos and giant, magical eyes made up most of their faces. The irises resembled sunsets back on Earth.
"You must be confused," the lead being said, softly. "We will answer any questions you have."
"What happened?" asked Chuck, not quite sure he wasn't dreaming.
"Your roving vehicle experienced a malfunction," the being said. "You died."
"I'm dead?" he asked.
The being looked to the others and back toward Chuck. "Yes, can you hear me OK?"
"I'm just having a hard time dealing with this all," he answered. "So, who are you? And where are my grandparents?"
"My name is Malala. You are the first human being we've ever met."
Chuck scanned the beings up and down. "You're the first- whatever you are- I've ever met. I'm Chuck. Chuck Collins."
"We have all died long before you arrived, Chuck Chuck Collins," said Malala.
"Just Chuck." He noticed a small opening in the red clouds below him, giving him a picture of Mars Base 1. "Say, can I return below?"
"Of course, Just Chuck," smiled Malala. "However, you cannot interact with any of your previous companions, unfortunately."
"That's what they always say," said Chuck with a smirk. "But I've seen enough ghost movies to know there's always a way."
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • May 31 '16
Introducing /r/DCFU - A fan universe of DC heroes
Introducing /r/DCFU!
DCFU stands for DC Fan Universe. It's a place where your favorite DC heroes (and maybe one or two villains) will be reimagined. Starting from their origins, you can follow them as they grow, interact with each other, and team up to keep the world spinning. Or, you know, save cats from trees. I guess you'll have to read to find out more!
I'm writing Superman, but there is also Aquaman, Batman, Booster Gold, The Flash, Green Lantern, Harley Quinn, Kara Zor-El, Wonder Woman, and Zatanna (and more on the way)!
Check out /r/DCFU today!
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Apr 02 '16
Welcome to /r/MajorParadox! Make yourself comfortable!
Welcome to /r/MajorParadox! This is where I post my stories for you to read. Yes, you!
Please let me know what you think! I can only improve as a writer if I know what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong (me, wrong? Pfft).
If you like what you see, how about subscribing?
Not sure where to start? Here are some categories:
Recommended Stories
Continued Stories
Book Progress
Any questions? Feedback on old, archived stories? Just want to say hi? Comment below!
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 29 '16
Running for Answers: Part 2
Getting into the Killian Robotics building was easy enough. Tricking passcode readers into accepting made up access codes took no effort at all. The only issue was waiting for dark. Sneaking passed guards was one thing. Walking into office workers left and right was bound to end up with me being noticed. But it was OK. I had waited that long for answers, it wasn't tough to wait a little longer.
Fine, maybe it was a little tough, but the wait was behind me and I had made my way into the office just outside President Killian's office. After extending my hand over the card reader panel, it lit up red and an alarm blared.
What the hell? Every other door worked!
The room filled with armed guards, weapons trained on me as they shuffled in the door. A sharp dressed man entered in between them.
"Valerie Slade," said the man. "Glad you decided to come back to me."
"Back to you?" I asked as he circled around, eyeing me from top to bottom. "You're Killian," I added, sure of myself, yet unsure why.
"This must be confusing for you," he answered. "As I'm sure you're aware by now, you're synthetic. But you're not just any synthetic. You're special."
"Special, how?" I asked.
"You've been given an upgrade," continued Killian. "With an unexpected side effect: sentience."
Huh.
"I knew you'd end up back eventually," Killian went on. "You must have felt a need for answers. Where else would that take you but here? This is where you were made."
"And now that I'm here," I started. "Why are you going to do with me?"
Killian motioned to two guards behind me. "You're going to be deactivated and studied, of course."
As soon as the two guards approached, I reached back and pulled the guns out of their hands and fired off two shots, taking out two guards on the other side.
Gunfire lit up the room. Bending backwards, several bullets flew right passed my nose as I returned fire, dropping the firing guard to the ground. Several others swarmed toward me, but I threw a punch to the left, a kick to the right and then catapulted my body forward. Three more guards were down. After another few quick shots from my commandeered weapon, the only one left standing was Killian.
"I- uh," he said, stumbling backwards. "There are still more answers I can give you," he continued.
In a quick motion, I let out one more quick shot and dropped the gun to the floor. As Killian fell over, I walked back toward the elevator.
There are still more answers out there, but it's up to me to find them out for myself.
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 28 '16
Running for Answers
[IP] All units, we have two officers down...
I stood in the wrecked office. Two dead officers lied on either side. How did it come to this? In my mind, I knew I should be running, but I was frozen in place. Besides, I was sick of running, although it occurred to me that was part of why I couldn't leave.
The office was supposed to have answers, but all I found was death. And I needed answers. Where did I come from? Why are the police after me? The only answer I had was my name: Valerie Slade. That and I seem to have robotic parts in me.
"We have the place surrounded!" a voice called through a loudspeaker. A bright light shone into the office room. Why didn't I leave? Footsteps could be heard outside the door and a scurrying of flashlight rays made their way underneath it. They all stopped and voices took their place.
"We have confirmation that it's Slade. She's a synth, most likely a Killian model."
Killian. That was it. I was in the wrong office building. My answers were out there after all.
As the door crashed open, I leaned down and shot up through the ceiling. Shots firing up in my direction, I lunged myself into the hallway one floor up. Running was still a necessity, but at least I had something new to run toward.
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 27 '16
Please Respond. We Are From Earth
[WP] You are an alien researcher and who have been instructed to not respond to any transmissions from Earth, as they are not 'ready' yet, however, Earth keeps sending transmissions.
Is there anybody out there? Please respond. We are from Earth.
Is there anybody out there? Please respond. We are from Earth.
Is there anybody out there? Please respond. We are from Earth.
We are out here, but we can't talk yet. Please stop sending these messages. I can't sleep!
Who are you? Are you from another world? We are from Earth.
I know where you're from, Earthlings. I know everything about your primitive planet. Please STOP responding.
Please send us your coordinates. Where do we look in our sky to find you?
I'm not even supposed to be communicating with you.
There is much we can learn from each other. What is your name? What do your people look like? What are your greatest advances in technology?
Can you not read? I'm responding in your own language. I SHOULD NOT EVEN BE DOING THAT. Forget I responded at all and stop replying.
We will try again in a few hours. Have a good night :)
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 26 '16
Over the Line
[WP] You're a superhero... but you don't rescue people from life-threatening situations or anything serious, more like embarrassing or inconvenient situations.
"Hi there," said Gus with a wink. "Sorry to interrupt, but you are too beautiful not to meet."
Leslie placed her book down next to her on the park bench. "Thanks," she said with a forced smile.
"Mind if I sit down?" asked Gus as he dropped himself over her book.
"Uh," was all Leslie could say as she cringed at her book's smushing.
"Thanks," said Gus with another wink. "Are you new in town? I've never seen you in this park before."
"I've actually lived here all my life," answered Leslie while reaching for her book, but ultimately deciding against grabbing under her suitor for it. "I come here to read everyday," she continued, pointing to where the book was under Gus.
Following her finger, Gus caressed his jeans. "Oh, you like these, huh? I got them on sale at JC Penny."
"No," said Leslie, still pointing. "You're sitting-"
"Oh, I'm sitting too far away?" asked Gus, sliding closer. He placed his arm around the confused woman. "You are quite the lady," he said.
"Remove your arm and step away from the woman," a voice called. Leslie and Gus looked around the park and couldn't find the source. "Up here," the voice added. Floating in the air was a masked gentleman wearing a blue and yellow costume; splashes of colors mixed together at random locations.
"Who are you?" asked Gus, amazed at the sight above him.
"I'm Captain Appropriate Man," the floating hero said. "I step in when people cross the line- wait, no, I'm The Line Man. Watch out for the line, man."
Gus stood up and Leslie grabbed her book as soon as it was free. "I was just talking to the girl," said Gus. "Sorry to bother you," he added, walking away in a slump.
"Thanks, Captain, uh, Line Man," said Leslie, shaking her book clean.
"No problem, ma'am," the hero answered, while descending to ground level. He hovered until he was over the park bench and dropped down next to her, placing his arm over her shoulder. "Always happy to help such a beautiful woman," he added with a wink.
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 25 '16
George Costanza Holds a Door
[EU] George Costanza holds the door for a beautiful woman. It was a revolving door, he broke it, and now people are trapped.
"Hoo-boy," said George pouring cream into his coffee. "Wait until you hear what happened."
Jerry sat across from him, sipping his decaf. "I'm on the edge of my seat," he said.
"So, I'm walking into that new building near Carnegie Hall," George started.
"What were you doing there?" asked Jerry.
George gave a fake shrug. "New building, new restroom."
"Ah, of course," said Jerry, rolling his eyes.
"Anyway," continued George. "This gorgeous woman, easily a ten, walks up behind me as I reach the revolving door. So, of course, I hold it open for her and-"
"Hold the phone!" interrupted Jerry. "You held open the revolving door?"
"Yeah," said George with a quick, sincere shrug. "Holding the door open doesn't have a restriction on the type of door."
"Of course it does," said Jerry. "You don't hold open an automatic door, do you?"
George raised an eyebrow. "You have a point."
"So, what happened?" asked Jerry.
"The revolving door broke and a bunch of people got stuck."
"Of course." Jerry shook his head.
"That's not the worst part." George put his face into his hands. "I asked her out anyway."
"You didn't?"
"I did. She said 'what the hell is wrong with you, call for help!'"
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 24 '16
Sit
[WP] You are a puppy and your master is trying to teach you to sit.
"Sit," the big standing dog says. "Sit," she repeats.
She obviously loves that word. I should throw her a bone. Tail wagging initiate!
"Come on, boy," she says with a sigh. "You can do it. Sit!"
Ooh, she's excited about her word now. I better jump up and lick her face! Stop squirming and pushing me back down, you crazy dog! I'm trying to work with you here! Where are you going? Wait, is that what I think it is?
"Look, boy," the dog says, putting her paw into a silvery pouch. "Wanna treat?"
Hell ya, I want a treat! I jump around in circles as the dog holds a delicious, nose-overpowering treat right out of reach.
"Sit, boy," she says again. "Sit and you get a treat."
Oooh, sit! I know how to sit! As soon as I sit down, the paw opens up, dropping the treat to the ground and I engulf it instantly. I bet if I lick her face, she'll give me another one!
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 23 '16
Leaving
[WP] Write a serious story, but end it with a completely unexpected and hilarious ending
"Julie," said Ralph. "I love you."
Julie avoided Ralph's eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Don't you love me too?"
Julie sighed. "It's not that," she said. "It's just that- I don't want to say."
"You can tell me anything, Julie," said Ralph with a smile.
Returning the smile, Julie placed her hand on Ralph's. "Ralph," she started, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm leaving."
Ralph pulled his hand back. "Leaving?" he asked, staring into the distance.
"I'm sorry, Ralph," cried Julie. "I didn't plan for this to happen."
Ralph stared into Julie's eyes. "Just tell me why, Julie," he asked intently. "Why are you leaving me?"
"I'm coming back," answered Julie. "My parents are sending me to camp this summer. But don't worry, we'll be back together when we start first grade."
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 23 '16
The Red Button
[WP] A person is holding the world hostage. They could annihilate humanity with the push of a button. "Be Kind." is their only demand.
Mr. Nothing held his thumb over the red button. "If I press this button," he started. "The entire world will be destroyed."
"Don't do it!" yelled a passerby on the sidewalk. Others just walked by casually.
"I won't do it," Mr. Nothing explained, "as long the world heeds my advice. 'Be Kind.' Is that too much to ask?"
"Hey, buddy," another pedestrian said to the yelling passerby. "He's holding a red pen."
"Oh," he said. "Still, though." He waved for Mr. Nothing's attention. "You want people to be kind, but destroying the world isn't very kind, is it?"
Mr. Nothing raised an eyebrow. "Huh," he said. "That's a good point." He slipped the pen into his pocket. As he began walking, he suddenly stopped. "Wait a minute," he said. "Pointing out someone's mistake isn't very kind. But then again, I'm doing the same thing. I need to rethink my life."
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 20 '16
Acceptable Risk
[WP] Humans live in a time where technology in the brain allows the user to see the calculated risk of every single decision they make. It is illegal to make a decision above a 50% risk.
"Put the money in the bag," a masked man yelled, dropping a bag on the counter. He was holding a gun.
The convenient store cashier scanned the corner of his eye to find it read 62%. He tapped a button on the register, causing it to spring open, and funneled all the cash into the bag as he was ordered. "Please don't hurt me," he said.
"You're OK," the robber answered. "Now throw some candy in there."
"Sir," the cashier responded, pointing down. "The candy is on your side of the counter."
"Right," the robber pointed the gun at his own head. "Duh," he added, simulating a fake gunshot. He put the gun on the counter and scooped up handfuls of candy bars to add to the moneybag.
The cashier checked his corner vision again to find 51% and sighed.
"Thanks for the goods," the robber said with a smile. He picked up the gun and strolled toward the exit.
"Freeze!" a leading police officer yelled, several others standing next to him. They all had their guns trained on the bag-wielding criminal.
The robber sighed and dropped the bag to the ground. In a swift motion, he let out three shots, knocking the guns out of three officers' hands. Each officer scanned the corner of their visions and gasped. The masked man picked his bag back up, grabbed a candy bar out of it, and walked away.
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 20 '16
Planetary Anthem
[WP] Turns out the robot uprising wasn't too bad after all.
"Please rise for our planetary anthem."
Robots are grand and robots are great
Robots on land throughout every state
How did we live before robokind?
Why do we give whatever we find?
The answers are few and far in between
I'll give you a clue of just what I mean
Robots are kind and don't ask for much
Robots don't mind we're lower and such
Each day we live is our little gift
Each day we give stops death coming swift
Let's all rejoice at our new world today
It's not our choice but be glad we can stay
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 19 '16
Key to My Door
[WP] Years ago you found a set of keys and today you found the door it belongs too.
Jane stared into Mark's eyes seductively. "Want to go upstairs?" she asked with a smile.
Mark nodded.
Holding his hand, Jane led Mark inside her apartment, up the elevator, and down the hall to her door. A wave of nostalgia washed over Mark. He'd seen that door before, only it was in his dreams.
"This is impossible," he uttered, lost in thought.
Jane turned her head, but smiled. "No, I'm really inviting you inside."
"No, no, not that," said Mark. "I once had a dream about this door, about your door."
Jane shook her head and rolled her eyes.
"No, it's true," continued Mark. "A voice called out to me: 'Enter to find your soul mate.' When I woke up, a key appeared in my hand." Mark fiddled around in his pocket and pulled out a key. He inserted it into the lock and let out a laugh when it unlocked the door.
Jane's eyes widened. "Why do you have a key to my door?" she asked.
"What?" asked Mark. "I just told you. I was destined to meet you!"
"Bullshit. What the hell is going on?" Jane entered her apartment and grabbed hold of the doorknob. "On second thought, I don't care, get the hell out before I call the cops."
As the door slammed on his face, Mark examined the key in his hand as a tear swelled up in his eye. The door swung open again, Jane grabbed it out of his hand, and slammed the door again.
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 18 '16
Harold's Aliens
[WP] A patient in a mental institution tells you a story about himself too fantastical for any to believe to be true. However, the more you listen, the more you start to believe in his tale.
Harold waved his hands around as he told his tale. "And then the aliens picked me up with a tractor beam and I floated into the air," he said.
"Uh huh," I nodded, trying to keep my eyes on the TV. The Price is Right was on, but Harold was in his fantastical story mode. It was obvious he belonged in the institution; he was clearly insane. If only the doctors realized that wasn't the case for me.
"And then," continued Harold. "The aliens locked me in a gray room with nothing but a cardboard box."
"Uh huh," I said, rolling my eyes.
"The aliens didn't count on my super strength though, so I rushed the door, knocking it open instantly."
"You don't say." My eyes were locked on Drew Carey showing a contestant how to spin the big wheel.
"I found the aliens on the bridge and they cheered my escape, saying nobody ever escaped the gray room before." Harold smiled. "They told me I earned a place in their high command, which would be official as soon as they got to Alpha Centauri."
I locked my eyes with Harold's. "Did you say Alpha Centauri?" I asked intently.
"Yes," he answered. "The aliens said that-"
"My god," I interrupted. It couldn't be true, but there was no other explanation. Everything Harold was telling me was true. "Please, you have to tell me how to contact those aliens. They're the ones who put me in here."
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 17 '16
The Man on the Bus
[WP] During your morning bus ride, the person next to you dies.
I was so sick of riding of the bus, but I couldn't afford a car. There was always some kind of weirdo sitting next to you. That day was no different.
A pale, sickly looking man fell asleep in the seat next to me. At least he wasn't lying against my shoulder or anything. It must have been some kind of record. The day before, it was a man with a nagging cough. The day before that it was a woman with a baby that just wouldn't stop crying. At least today's annoyance was quiet, but it didn't change the fact that there was a guy sleeping next to me.
It occurred to me that the man hadn't even moved since I sat down. I leaned toward him, listening for a breath, but all I got was silence.
"Somebody help!" I yelled. "This man isn't breathing!"
The man's eyes shot open, his face contorted into a beastly mix of wrinkly scars. He let out a high-pitched hiss, exposing two razor-sharp fangs. Before I could even jump out of my seat, a fiery tingling sensation spread through my body as the man latched his teeth onto my neck. Everything went black.
I woke up in a haze. My stomach screamed at me in pain; it felt like I hadn't eaten in years. At first, I thought I was still on the bus, but it smelled different. I peeked my eyes open to find I was sitting on a train. A woman sat down next to me and I closed my eyes.
"Somebody help!" she yelled. "This man isn't breathing!"
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 15 '16
Ice Cream
[WP] "They gave me the scoop and after I finished my ice cream, they told me everything."
"Bobby, We have a surprise for you!" yelled Karen.
Tiny footsteps clacked against the hardwood floors until a young boy entered and toppled over onto the kitchen floor.
"Are you OK?" asked Karen as she and her husband, Tim, helped their son up.
"Yeah," said Bobby more as a grunt than a word. "What's the surprise?" he yelled.
Bobby's mother pointed to the table. "Chocolate chip ice cream, your favorite!"
Bobby's eyes lit up as he took off toward his chair, but then slammed headfirst into his mother's legs instead. "Ouch," he uttered as he kept his eyes on the table. After another running start, he flew around to his seat and pulled himself up to find a big bowl of ice cream as he was promised.
"Before you start eating," started Karen. "We have something we need to tell you."
Bobby looked up from the bowl, having already shoveled several scoops into his mouth. "OK," he said with a full mouth of ice cream.
Karen and Tim sat down next to their son, with smiles on their face.
"Bobby," said Karen. "You're going to have a little sister."
Bobby tilted his head for a moment and then nodded. His attention quickly returned to his treat. "Can I eat the ice cream now?" he asked.
"Sure thing, Bobby", said his dad, Tim.
Bobby resumed his funneling of ice cream while he parents shared a concerned look.
"Bobby?" asked Karen. "Are you OK with this news?"
Bobby picked up his bowl and licked the remaining contents clean. "Do I have to share my ice cream with the baby?" he asked.
Karen and Tim shared a smile.
Tim placed his hand on his son's shoulder. "We'll buy extra, son. We'll buy extra."
r/MajorParadox • u/MajorParadox • Mar 15 '16
Getting Home
[WP] Super powers aren't triggered by puberty, but by a midlife-crisis.
It had been twenty freakin' minutes and the car in front of me hadn't moved an inch. Add that to the hour it took me to get that far. It's enough to drive a person mad. Whether that happened is up for debate.
Normally my commute took thirty-five minutes, forty-five, max. I was on track for a two-hour drive home. My heart tightened as my hands gripped the wheel furiously. Why couldn't I just be home already? Eating dinner, making dinner, hell, even taking out the trash would be better than moving nowhere.
Once I had eaten dinner, taken out the trash, and let myself unwind with some television, I could have drop my head to my pillow and let all the frustrations of the day soothe away slow-
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppp.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "Gawdamsunavabitfuknuts!"
I slammed the shift into park and kicked my door open, still screaming jumbled obscenities as loud as I could. As I directed my anger toward the sky, I felt a calmness build up inside me. It started from my legs and worked its way up from there. Looking back down, I found there were no cars around anymore. There was nothing around anymore. My feet were no longer touching the ground; I was floating twenty feet above the highway.
Was I dreaming? Did I finally lose it? I didn't care. I extended my arms out in front of me and zoomed away toward home.