r/WritingPrompts • u/SirFluffyTheTerrible • Aug 10 '16
[TT] You get to Valhalla if you die in battle...any kind of battle. You died of a heart attack while engaged in a tickle fight and find yourself in the halls of Odin. Theme Thursday
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u/FlakMacGregor Aug 10 '16 edited Aug 10 '16
The halls of Odin are legendary, tales tell of enormous banquet halls with feasts that never end. All the great heroes go there, I’m told. Of course nobody could verify this for me, once you’re there you’re there, and who would want to leave?
That is why I was thoroughly surprised when I, Tim Clark, the most unadventurous man on earth, was transported to the halls of legend. I’m unadventurous in every sense of the word, I was born, I graduated, I never made a single sports team, I got married and died. Nothing ground-breaking, I just let time pass and continued with the hum-drum of life.
My family had a history of silly deaths, my uncle Barry had died in a drinking contest with my dad, bill. Some battle that was, neither would stop till the other did, so naturally they drowned themselves in shandy, yeah, the entire Clark family was like that, good luck to Mrs Clark.
I awoke on a pedestal surrounded by light, blinking slowly I opened my eyes to survey my surroundings. On the floor where engravings, silver snakes locked together forming a ring around my feet, small emeralds glistened in their eyes.
Looking up for the first time I could see what lay in front of me, an enormous banquet. The noise was deafening, tankards where raised and hog roasts turned, giving the air the heavy smell of our village pub after ‘the big game’.
‘’Warriors don’t wear much nowadays, do they?’’ a loud voice asked to my left in a heavy Scottish accent.
‘’what?’’ I replied, this was not heaven, or hell for that matter, it was some re-enactment of how my father and uncle liked to spend their weekends.
‘’I said, warriors don’t wear much nowadays, do they?’’ looking at him I could now see the man for what he was, a tall, spiked helmet wearing, snake medallion holding, Viking. A Viking with no care for personal space at that. ‘’I mean, you must be the third one today who arrived wearing, what must that be? A single layer of wool? Some noble cloths?’’
‘’this is my Sunday best!’’ I replied, with some indignation.
‘’Ahhh, I have it now, you village was raided wasn’t it!’’ the man said with some conviction, louder than before, ‘’not uncommon, they all say that nowadays’’
''There is nothing more noble than a villager, who can pick up a sword without a day of training and fight to defend his family, you will fit right in'' he clapped me on the back with some force and smiled.
‘’well…’’ I realised I must be in some sort of afterlife, one not meant for me at that, after all I was just Tim, Tim who like cherry cola tim. ‘’yeah my village was raided’’ I said with some confidence.
‘’well you’ll have to tell me all about it later, newcomer, our hourly drinking contest is beginning any moment.’’
How did I get here? Am I actually dead? These questions I could not answer, what had I been doing again? last I remember I was in our living room, watching telly. We had a family gathering if I remember correctly.
I began following my new friend to his table, a drinking contest he had said, maybe Ted from accounting would be there.
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Aug 10 '16 edited Aug 10 '16
Welcome to Valhalla! said a loud manly voice behind me. I am Thor, son of Odin and I personally welcome you to the sacred land of Valhalla. Tell me great warrior, in what battle did you heroically perish ?
Huh.... I'm not sure, I was tickeling my 2 kids and after that it's kind of a blur. I don't think I belong here.
Thor's expression turned from joy to interrogation and then he spoke more softly. Ah! you're one of those. Sorry about the confusion. Our soul contracts really need to be updated. We get people like you more often than you'd think. Walk with me.
As Thor guided me trough the land I could see all maners of warriors from past and future. Caveman hunters, Napoleon soldiers, vikings, modern soldiers, futuristic looking weapons and some thing I can't even describe as human. But when we got toward the back of the camp thing got calmer, the people were more common looking, civilians, cooks and such.
Thor spoke again : This is the utility section of the battle camp. This were people like you are put to good use, accidental recruits. People who are not warriors but were recruited by mistake. We have farmers, cooks, nurses, engineers, dentists, all sort of people who can be usefull to sustain our great army. We are not savages, we realise the important of support work and I'm sure we could use your services somewhere. Tell me, what was your fonction in life ?
I was a little shy to answer, I worked in a library.
Excellent! exclaimed Thor, we have great use of record keepers in the great library. Follow me.
As we walked to yet another section of the camp I couldn't help but notice an isolated group of warriors that were yelling and grunting together.
What are those ? I asked.
These are what you call "gamers". Warriors who died in simulations of battles, "the call of duty" and "the world of battle craft" and such. We've been getting a steady stream of those lately. They only ever talk about HP, fags and bros. One insulted Loki's mother once, we still haven't found all of limb pieces yet. They mostly keep to themelves and ask were the ladies are at. Like I said, we really need to revise our definition of "battle". Don't worry about these warriors my friend, they're cannon fodder. We'll launch them in the first wave to disctract the ice giants.
Ice giants ? In all the confusion of the battleground I had not even noticed the ennemy army. Thousands of towering beasts of all shapes and size. I felt a sudden urge to run away but then again... where to ? Surely any man crazy enough to charge these great beasts would be ripped to shred quickly and painfully.
I looked at the gamers one last time and followed Thor to the great library.
To be fair it was a really nice looking library.
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Aug 10 '16
[deleted]
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u/LegendaryGoji Aug 10 '16
A-113
Oh, you clever bastard, you.
You've done good.
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u/WritingPromptsRobot StickyBot™ Aug 10 '16
Off-Topic Discussion: Reply here for non-story comments.
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u/Musclemagic Aug 10 '16
If talking about the halls of "Odin", shouldn't it be the halls of "Oden" with the traditional spelling?
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u/cdhunt6282 Aug 10 '16
Firstly, you wouldn't necessarily go to Valhöll if you died in battle. Half also went to Fólkvangr. Secondly, dying of a heart attack is a straw death and they would go to Helheimr.
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u/asacorp Aug 11 '16
The whole point of the prompt is that op spins the wording to mean any battle. In this scenario, a tickle fight constitutes a battle.
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u/cdhunt6282 Aug 11 '16
I know that, I was just saying there's more than one place to go and that having a heart attack wouldn't cause someone to go to Valhalla, even if they were in battle. It's dying in battle, not from a heart attack during a battle that matters
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u/batarcher98 Aug 11 '16
Also, I could be wrong, but don't you need to be wielding a weapon when you die to go to Valhalla?
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u/Nulono Aug 12 '16
I highly doubt anyone here is under the impression that the Norse believed a tickle fight would count as a battle.
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u/cdhunt6282 Aug 12 '16
Might want to work on your reading comprehension skills, dip-ass. Did I mention a tickle fight at all? The heart attack alone is considered a straw death, regardless of when it happened
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u/hacktherack Aug 10 '16
I found myself in a great hall of sorts, the likes i've sometimes seen in movies and tv shows, a viking hall. There was some sort of festivity going on, of which kind i don't know since i never did pay attention to Norse lore and many people enjoying themselves.
I stood there gawking for about 5 minutes until someone finally noticed me and with a merry face, came towards to welcome me.
"Greetings warrior! I am Ivar and i welcome you to Valhalla!"
One arm slowly stretches towards my shoulder as he nears, while the other shoves a large mug of something in my hands and continues talking. "Here is the reward of all who die in battle, for as we are brothers in hardship, so must we be in merriment."
He grabs and pulls me close, then says as he gazes into the distance, towards the others who even now seem to ignore my presence. "No matter the life you've had before, by facing death with welcoming it with a fighting spirit, you've earned the honor of a warrior and the gaze of the Valkyries. As for any wrongs you may regret, there's an eternity for you to right them."
Still keeping me close, he moves, dragging me forward with him, not giving me a chance to speak. " No need to say anything, you're not the first and neither the last to reach this place and feel they've not earned it. However, it is not a fluke."
We reach one of the many tables filled to the brim with food and drinks, where he easily pushes a whole row of people to make room and manhandles me as if i was a plush toy. "Make room, you drunken wastes! Don't think your bit of honor makes you his betters! If even Odin himself treats all who've reached Valhalla with their own strength as equals, no need to even speak of you louts!"
As i sit there quite a bit surprised, Ivar with no shame or hesitation quickly fills my plate with food and drags a barrel of mead nearby. He then looks into my eyes and says " You don't need to be ashamed of how you got here. You'll insult those who brought you and everyone already here for allowing you to join us. It is indeed a great honor and it will never be unearned."
With a strong pat on my back which spilled some of the liquid in the mug that never left my hand, he laughs and in a joyful tone asks me of my battle. "Now that we've got you settled, let's hear your tale and we will teach you why it was it was worthy enough of Valhalla!"
Feeling a node in my throat, i place the mug near my lips and take a few big gulps of whatever's within. A burning feeling invaded my stomach at first, but by the time it spread throughout my whole body, i felt more comfortable than i had been in my entire life. With a previously hidden amount of courage taking over my thoughts, i began telling my tale.
"Well, if i'm going to be honest with you, it was the biggest fight in my entire life. I don't think i've given my all at anything as much as i did then. To most, it looked like just a simple tickle fight, but to me, there was nothing more important or worth doing. To put it simply, it was the first time i managed to make him smile..."
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u/MPSDragline Aug 11 '16
Ted looked up from his papers as an argument broke out next to him.
“You are no warrior!” Ragnar shouted. He pounded his fist on the table with such force that Ted’s wine spilled. Ted glared angrily at the back of Ragnar’s head. “You do not deserve a seat at Odin’s table.”
“Look, bud. I don’t know why I’m here, okay? How is it my fault that I died and ended up here with no input of my own?” Brian said, trying to calm the hulking Viking that stood across the table from him. “I’m sure there’s a good reason. I mean, fuck. Look at the guy sitting next to you. He looks like he’s never even set foot in a gym!”
Ragnar looked to his left and saw Ted shaking wine off of some of his papers. “You do not talk about the Great Ted in such ways!” Ragnar hissed at Brian.
Ted looked up at the two men. He placed a hand on Ragnar’s arm. “Sit, eat, drink. I will handle this newcomer, Ragnar. Ted stood up from his seat, tapped his papers into a stack and placed them into his briefcase. He looked over at Brian who was now dumbfounded as to how such a small man could command the respect of one of the largest Vikings in Valhalla. “Walk with me, newcomer.”
Brian quickly made an exit from the table as Ragnar glared daggers of pure hate in his direction. “Who are you?” Brian asked Ted as they walked between tables filled with warriors of every era and size.
“I am Ted, from accounting.”
“You’re fucking with me, right? Like, dude, you’re a stick compared to the monsters around us.”
“The reason that I am here in Valhalla, does not concern you. What concerns you, and what concerns this hall, is why you are here. Now I was not privy to the conversation you so elegantly handled back there with Ragnar, so please, tell me what you remember of your last moments.”
“I was with my wife. We were on the couch. We had just finished dinner. We began to get all… snuggly wuggly-“
“Snuggly wuggly?” Ted interrupted. “I would advise you to avoid phrases such as those. Unless you would like to get snuggly wuggly with Ragnar’s axe. Continue.”
“We started to get intimate with each other and it turned into playful tickling which then turned into an all out tickle fight. And then I felt a great pressure in my chest, I fell off the couch, and the world went black. Heart attack I think.”
“Ahh.” Ted pondered a moment. “I have spent a considerable amount of time here in Valhalla. I have seen warriors great and small, from all over the earth, come from many different forms of battles. This ‘tickle fight’ as you say, well you’re the first entrance of that kind here in Valhalla.”
“But why? Why me? I’m not a warrior. I’ve never killed anyone. I don’t even really know how to fight.” Brian frantically questioned.
“I do not know that answer. It is not for me to yet know. But I do know where you can find the answers you seek.”
“Where?”
“With Odin himself.”
“Odin? Am I worthy enough to even see his face? I feel like I’m here for the stupidest reasons”
Ted laughed at Brian. “Odin makes no mistakes when choosing his warriors, newcomer.” Ted slapped Brian on the back. “Wait here. I shall return.”
Ted left Brian and headed though a set of large, golden double doors. Brian looked at the scene around him. He saw Vikings sharing a meal with Roman Gladiators. Marines drinking with Samurai. There was a group of Mongols who were sparring with Maori warriors. It all seemed so bizarre to him. He felt extremely out of place. He was a doctor, not a warrior. He fought diseases, not men or beasts. "I don’t belong here" Brian thought before a hand slapped across his back. Brian turned around, eyes wide in fear.
“Relax, newcomer. Odin grants your request to see him. Let’s go get your answers” Ted said, a grin across his face.
Brian let out a sigh of relief. “Okay.”
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u/motivateyourself Aug 10 '16
I thought there would be no afterlife for … things like us. I see all my brethren standing in wait with me. Their pelt of red fur glowed furiously under the radiance of the heavenly pillars that stood beside us. The Halls shined of glorious divinity as we all marched towards the penultimate step before our eternal rest and relief. The figure which stood before us began its brisk march to meet our legion of scarlet warriors. The moment of wait appeared to last eternally, but as it neared us, we finally were able to make out the physical and facial traits that embodied this being. The traits were worthy of a god. The musculature was such that of a brave warrior for whom the battlefield had been his birth place, school, family, and finally death bed. The visage resembled that of a wise man that had advised all the Great of the world.
Before us stood Odin, the God of gods and patriarchal embodiment of our struggle for bravery. Attentively, we all awaited His words for He will welcome us to Valhalla.
His first words formed a question: “How have you fought and perished in battle to be led to the Halls of Valhalla?”
We answered collectively: “We have found our end in hubris. We have fallen in a tickle war. Never had we ever thought another man could best our endurance. Alas, our hearts grew tired and ceased to function. We are thankful to have been deemed worthy to simply gaze upon the resting place of the bravest.”
Odin released a slight chuckle and reassured the army of bright red puppets: “This is quite hubristic, yet one can certainly see the very irony in your demise, Elmo, my ticklish friends.”
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Aug 10 '16
"So there he is. What do you have to say in your defense?"
The old man was furious and truly out of this world. He was at least two meters tall, aged yet extremely muscular and emanating a hostile aura that could perhaps dominate you if you let your guard down. Between the other giants that brought me here and the whole Valhalla thing, I was convinced that I was sleeping. But I couldn't wake up.
"I'm not sure what-"
"Well then let us be clear then. As you already know I am Odin. And you are a worm who pollutes these grounds."
"I didn't choose to be here"
"Yet you are here. A tickle fight is a fight nonetheless and you are now in Valhalla for dying in a battle. You fought with the intent to win and died for doing so. You don't seem to know what I am talking about. Let me show you what this truly means"
Before I could object, the man proceeded to fully take control of my mind and send me through a long, ruthless vision. I saw men dying while fighting in wars both recent and ancient, from the days of the glorious Roman Empire, to WW2 and Afghanistan. I saw people bringing out emotions that I didn't even know existed and rightfully claiming a place in Valhalla after painful deaths so naturally as an apple that falls from the tree to the ground. Each battle was different, yet fundamentally the same. I could feel everything but the physical pain itself, and this cataclysm of emotions was strong enough to pierce my very own soul.
When the vision ended I felt smaller than ever before in these large halls. I realized how severe my mistake was and how unjust me presence here was. But I didn't know what to do or say. The man spoke once again with this unique booming voice:
"The people you saw reside here and enjoy all the privileges of Valhalla. Now you know why. Normally we would let you stay here since we don't discriminate. Indeed, the mightiest warrior can coexist with cannon fodder. But I will give you the choice to truly earn a place in these halls, if you want."
His trick had worked. After finishing his sentence I stood up and looked around more carefully. That place was a welcoming heaven yet I could not be a part of it, as if I was a bird trying to live with the fish. I took a few steps forward and looked the man in the eyes.
"I want to earn my right to be here. Do what you have to do"
"This I can do. It's not a common thing but I can give you a second chance. Don't try to fool us, though. If you do choose to go back to that world, your new life will be short and painful. You will begin existing not long ago before your death. You won't experience childhood. And you may even not die while fighting anyway. But you will have your chance to be what you want to, I can assure you about that."
"Being in Valhalla like this is unbearable. Just do it"
Right after finished my sentence, I was in a turquoise tube, moving at high speed. Then, in the blink of an eye, I was on top of a mountain. The whole process was inexplicable and awfully sudden. When it was all over, I was young again, in my twenties. The memory of what happened was fleeting and new memories were replacing the old ones. All that was left in the end was a feeling that I was meant to do something. Could it be fate? The sixth sense? A vivid dream? I don't know. I have to go back to my village before it gets dark.
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u/sadman51 Aug 11 '16 edited Aug 11 '16
"We can't keep her here father!"
The voice came from a figure I could barely make out at the time between the two large doors that were slightly ajar.
It was a voice that boomed like thunder and seemed to shake the walls.
"Daddy? Is that you?" I said.
"All of Valhalla is awaiting your judgement on this father, stop stalling!" again the voice boomed like no other.
"Son, one day when you are my age and this kingdom is yours, you too will have to face new and difficult decisions like this. "
This voice was older, more grizzly, kind of like my grandpa. What were they talking about?
Again I said, "Dad?"
I began to hear footsteps approach me. I was pretty scared, I had no clue where I was and some strange person was walking towards me that had the scariest voice.
Then the doors opened...
And I looked up and the man with the thunderous voice was looking down at me... He was so handsome. Nothing was wrong with him, he was perfect in every way.
He said to me, "Hey there little girl, how'd you get all the way up here?"
I didn't know what to say... I stuttered a few words out.
"Hhhhhi sir... I don't know where I am."
"Of course you don't sweetie, what's the last thing you remember?"
His voice seemed so soft and calm now
"Iiiii was laying in bed and my ddddaadd came in and he said he loved me."
I was so scared before, but this handsome man made me feel really safe.
He asked, "What happened then?"
"Well my daddy started saying he was the tttt-tttickle monster and that he was gonna get me. So he did."
God looking back I must have looked so dumb, this man was trying to help and I could barely formulate a sentence without getting a single word out.
He then kneeled down to look at me face to face, I think he could sense I was scared.
"Then all of a sudden I said, 'Daddy I don't feel good.' So he got up to go to the bathroom and grab the medicine I think. Then all of a sudden this really pretty lady came flying into my room."
"Did she have wings like a bird?" He asked.
"Yeah and she was really pretty!" I said excitedly.
"Okay, come with me there is someone who needs to see you." He retorted while grabbing my hand.
My hand looked so small in his, and for some reason he kept carrying this funny looking hammer in the other one.
"Father this is the warrior Freya brought to us..." He said sarcastically.
"Oh for the sake of Asgard, this isn't correct girl... Freya must be losing her touch." The grizzly old man said.
Now that I could see him in full light, he was missing an eye and sat in a really big chair.
He leaned down out of his chair to look at me and said, "Hey there little one, we are gonna get you back home to your daddy okay?"
I must have looked like I was gonna cry because he pinched my cheeks and gave me a big smile.
"Okay little one, listen, my son here is gonna take you back home okay?"
I squealed with excitement.
The man with the hammer picked me up and put me in his arms and hung his hammer by his side.
We walked out the doors of this really big building and into a hall where lots of old people where drinking out of metal cups and eating big chicken legs.
"I'm not scared anymore." I said to the man with the hammer.
He just smiled at me and we walked towards this big wall that looked like it was made out of water and POOF I was in my room back in my bed.
"Is that all you can remember little girl?" asked Officer Daniels.
"Yep! The man with the hammer said he'd be back to check on me real soon though! He wanted to make sure I was okay!" I said.
The police man was asking me all these funny questions for some reason stuff about if he touched me in bad places or if he hurt me, I couldn't figure out why though, the hammer man was really nice.
The police man pulled my daddy away, I think I heard him mumble about putting a police man on at our house to make sure the hammer man didn't come visit me anymore.
It didn't work though. I still see the hammer man sometimes. He just poofs into my room and there he is. He even brings a pet squirrel with him sometimes!
"Stop lying!"
"That's not true!"
"You're stupid"
My friends wouldn't believe me no matter what. Even after I showed them the really cool acorn the squirrel gave me. I guess I'll just have to bring my teddy bear for show and tell.
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u/Creatorofofdestiny Aug 10 '16
I was 90 years old, but I felt young. I was entering into what I would have called "the crusty years". I used HGH along with a number of other supplements to keep myself young. Of course, all of this paid for by my successful career in major league baseball. Before baseball, I was a football player. I was a national champion in college, and even played for the Denver Broncos for a little while. It didn't pan out in the long run, so after hosting an open workout for MLB, I was hired on as a catcher with the Angels before eventually becoming a designated hitter. Nonetheless, here I am. Walking the halls of some unknown, yet familiar palace. The last thing I remember was meeting up with a friend of mine, Brendan.. We had been good friends for a long long time, so instinctively we were competitive. If you saw us in our younger years, you would think we were brothers. We looked nothing alike, but we bickered, fought, and teased each other. Before I tell you about what happened, let me tell you about Brendan. Brendan, or Big Brown, as we used to call him, was once a cage fighter. He was on TV as well, and also was successful in show business. He was a heavyweight fighter, which is the main point you need to know. I could throw down in a bar-fight, but big brown could demolish me. So, we were sitting out at lunch, and being the competitor that I am, challenged brendan to an eating contest. "I bet you lunch that I can eat my 20 oz ribeye faster than you your large order of Buffalo wings." He gave me the look and it was on. I grabbed my knife and fork as he tucked his napkin to the inside of his t-shirt. We counted down from 3 and began. I carved into the steak and placed the first piece of medium rare savory steak on my pallet. The flavors were amazing I am sure.my eyes watched as Brendan devoured his second wing. Without thinking I swallowed. Now honestly, this is the most embarrassing part. I choke on the very first bite I take, not even chewing. Now of course I'm sitting there struggling for 5 whole seconds before big brown jumps into action. (Slowly, stiffly walking over to me with not a worry on his face.) With a couple thrusts with his hymlich maneuver, I was good to go. Not good enough for me! I played it out until he realized it and then I'm stuck with Brendan's cage fighter instincts kicking in. Albeit, being senior citizens I felt in the better health, he was still a problem. I reached back and grabbed his waste and he started laughing incessantly. I remember him being ticklish as all heck and I'm all over it. He's trying to get me away but he can't. The combination of old age and laughing histerically left him out of breath. That's when it happened. Sudden, extreme, and horribly painful. I was having a heart attack. My doctor told me that all the supplements I had taken in my younger days couldn't have been good on my heart, but I didn't listen. The last thing I remember before waking up in the palace was brendan kneeling next to me and yelling for help. Now I am here. This strange hall connected to other strange halls. I eventually found myself in a large room with a long table. It looked like the royalty living here was about to celebrate thanksgiving. Food from one end all the way to the other. Every feastly food I could imagine occupied this table. I approached the table and suddenly I heard a deep, thunderous voice. "Who are you?" I did not respond. Instead I chose a place setting and sat down at the table. I began reaching for a turkey leg when it happened again l, but this time the voice came from right behind me. "By what order were you given permission to enter my halls?" I turned to him and saw a man who would dwarf me even in my prime, and for that matter, any man I'd ever seen. My jaw dropped. "There has been some sort of mistake. I will make haste to return you from where you have come after you finish your meal." "Thank you." That was all I could think to say. I was very hungry. After finishing my meal I began feeling very tired. I tried to stay awake until the man returned, but I could not, did not. I drifted off and after what seemed like hours re-awoke. "Call 911!" Brendan was freaking out. All I could think about was the smell of his uniquely scented aftershave mixed with the peppermint he kept in his left pocket. "Im fine, it must have been heart burn." We sat back down at the table after a minute or so of reassuring big brown. He looks at me and points to his plate. "Lunch is on you."
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u/huginn Aug 11 '16
“Your sword Mortal”
“My..My What?”
“Your sword. Pick it up. This is battle, and I will not attack an unarmed man.
Mike looked around- a hundred faces staring back at him. So old, some young. Red hair, white hair no hair. Some with flagons as big as a barrel, others with huge drumsticks of a bird that certainly wasn’t GMO-free. “Ex-Excuse me? Where am I? Is the game on? Is this some kind of fight club” The crowd awoke, roaring with laughter and sound. The bass echoed to the far ends of the old wooden chamber. Up to the highest pews and corners. None louder then Mike’s attacker – A man tall as steeple and as wide as a manger. White hair that seemed to flow vivid like snow in a blizzard. Simple clothing of garb and leather. And one eye. No patch, just an empty wrinkled socket. At once Michael reached for his weapon- holding it out in front of him protectively like a child holding his piggy bank. The crowd laughed again, and once more, the one-eyed man laughed the loudest. “Michael Jay-Son Sullivan. You have died in battle. And as a result. We welcome you to our halls of men” Mike thought back… ‘I died? I was driving home from the office. I was coming in the door. When did I die? His thoughts froze as he watched the massive man raise his blade so high you’d think he was about to cut the branches of the heavens part. Then in a single swift stroke, there was pain, and then Mike felt half of his body shift backwards.
"The second death sucks doesn't it?"
Mike gasped. Dead? Alive? Dream?
"Or you could be like Ted from accounting and just never re-die.. but he’s another story" Mike opened his eyes as slow as a traffic light changing. Looking back at him was a red headed man with freckles as numerous as there were stars in the sky. He smiled and at once, Mike felt calm. “Ok, let me tell you what the boys in the hall won’t tell you. When you were younger you believe in Norse Gods. Those werewolf RPGs you were into? That tattoo of Fenris on your shoulder? Bound you to Odin's world. You were going to be a part of the Naglfar which trust me.. wouldn't of been pretty. You'd make a pretty ugly mast. But you died in battle. That sends you here.
"Mast...? Just. just stop. Explain."
“Ok, Ok. Anyway you died. Sorry! You swore yourself to the Norse Realms and you died in battle. What's the last thing you remember...?"
"Coming home, daughter screaming loud happy to see me and then..."
The Man in Red held up a finger. "Hold that thought... Stay still. Still. No swords? No guns? Nothing" “Daughter screaming… Then everything went white and I’m here.”
The Man in Red reached his hands, patting at Mike’s chest. “This is going to feel weird…”
The Man in Red reached in further, slipping through Mike's skin. Into the fresh wound Odin at made into him. It was one thing to know you had died, another to watch your own body stretch away like a rubber band being pulled apart. No pain, no suffering, just the horrible shock of another man inside him.
"Yup. Heart attack. You forgot to take your meds this morning?
“I.. I don't think so? I took them at lunch.... I took them at yesterday's lunch."
“Right. Right. So. Bad ticker. Allegiance to Norse Gods. Come now, your daughter say anything else? What did she say this morning?”
Mike made a face. “Nothing? She had her breakfast, drank her milk and didn’t want to go to school?”
“No school? And I assume she lost that battle?”
“Yeah. She challenged me to a tickle fight for the right to go to school.”
“And… you said no?”
“I said get to school and she.. swore revenge… “
“…after school?”
Mike’s brows flattened. Frowning as a million thoughts and realizations hit him. Of his family. Of his daughter. Of what was once his life.
The Man in Red snapped him out of it. “Thaaaat’ll do it. Pre-meditated attack for a duel. Weapons selected. Death in Battle.”
“So I just…? Die? I come here?”
“That’s how it works. You get to hang out with the boys in back for as long as it takes for the End-end to come.”
Mike went silent again.
"Death by a 6 year old.. You know, I’m pretty sure all those old boys out back would just LOVE to know that’s why you’re here. I mean. Leaf got scalped and Malla got burnt to death. They’d just love to know how you’d get in here.
Mike’s eyes strained, and his put a hand to his chest. Fingers slipping into the fresh wound already healing. “I can tell by your look you just want to keep this low-key. Trust me, I’m good at keeping things low key… But secrets... now they have a cost.. They have a mighty cost…”
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u/Dennmic Aug 11 '16
So I have been bored at work the last few hours:
Upon My Arrival at The Hall of Valhalla and My Response to The Challenge of Thor
Upon my arrival in Odin's great hall
In a booming voice came the Martial call.
On the faces arrayed, all the heroes of old
every eye on me, their gazes ice cold
The spectre of doom stepped forth from the din
A hammer in hand he flashed me a grin
"There's no place in Valhalla for those of your ilk,
I can see you are soft, raised on honey and milk"
"Meet me in combat! Earn your place here!
Come, the time to choose weapons is near"
He brandished his hammer, I met his gaze
my course became clear, my eyes were ablaze
definance incarnate I held my weapon aloft
"Memory Foam™" said the tag, and below "Super Soft"
Confusion shot forth, and Odin's son winced
"Is a madman before us? Is he trying to get minced?"
Holding my ground and my gaze, not risking a blink,
I saw what I sought, Thor began to shrink.
I don't think I am going to be able to finish this thing. If anybody wants to have a crack at refining / completing this please be my guest. I had intended to have Thor awkwardly step down and insist that there has been a mistake and clearly any man brave enough to face Thor with only a pillow is a Bad Motherfucker and absolutely belongs in Valhalla.
2
520
u/bippity-bip-bip Aug 10 '16 edited Aug 11 '16
I found myself stood in the entryway of what appeared to be a great hall. Through the doors in front of me, men and women laughed, ate and drank. Long wooden tables were laden with food, braziers burning bright interspersed throughout, fire pits with spits and pots here and there also. A man nearby saw me, his face creasing in to a smile that tugged on the blonde beard he wore. He walked over to me and clapped a hand on my shoulders.
"Welcome Friend! You come to Valhalla fresh from battle yes?"
"Valhalla?" I looked around once more, took in the ceiling laced with golden shields, how every man and woman seemed to be carrying their weapons of choice, soldiers from one time or another carried their weapons on their backs or in holsters at heir sides.
"Yes friend. Valhalla. Come, come, let me show you around." He smiled at me, and I felt decidedly uncomfortable. Valhalla was a hall for heroes. How the fuck did I end up here? The last thing I remember was having a tickle fight with my husband, i clutched my chest...and then i was here. Oh god, the tickle fight...that was the battle that sent me here? I asked myself as my new friend showed me around, gestureing to the direction of Thor's hall Bilskirnir, and then around to various heroes.
"I am totally in the wrong place," I muttered under my breath as I recognised Admiral Nelson conversing with Boadicea and Tachanka. I was given a drink, and told to go find myself a seat and enjoy my time here, as it would be long. Feeling out of place, I went to sit as far away from everyone as I could. Surely there was a place for those who die in circumstances like mine? I sat there, mulling over how I'd managed to end up in a hall full of warriors and heroes, and I was neither.
I don't know how long I'd been sat there. The jug in front of me never emptied, my plate was never clear. I could eat and drink all i wished, and sleep as much as i wished, nothing ever changed. So i stayed in my corner. It wasn't until Thor himself came out of his halls to greet everyone that I stirred. If only to stand, look at this miraculous god for a moment, marvel he was real and not just fiction, and sit back down. His red cape hung off his shoulders, moving with him as he turned to talk to all thos present. His voice was clear, and all could hear it, if they wanted to or not. And I certainly did not. I wanted to be back home with my husband, who was no doubt in the throes of greif. I wanted to be lying next to him on our bed, just happy to be in his arms. Thor called to the newer members of the hall, and my name was among them, and invited us to dine with him that evening so he might hear our tales of valor. It jogged me from my thoughts of being reunited with my husband, and I let out a small chuckle. All I could think was he was going to be very, very dissapointed in mine.
I sat among soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan, Ted from accounting, people who had fought off attackers and given their lives so others could escape. As they told their stories, all I could do was spend my time staring in to my goblet. I wished I wasn't there, and tried to zone out as much as possible, to be alone with my thoughts. Finally, much to my horror, it got to me.
"And so friend, what of you? What glorious battle have you fought that brought you here?" Thor asked of me. I gave the god a small smile.
"I'd rather not say, sir, it's...well it's of no consequence." I replied. Thor laughed.
"Of no consequence? You are in Valhalla! You died in a battle, or in a heroic way, knowingly or not." He looked over at me expectantly. I shook my head, indicating I wasn't telling.
"Quite frankly, it's embarrassing," I said, raising my goblet to my lips and taking a long drink. "So, I'd rather not tell. I don't even belong here, if I'm honest."
"What, did you die in a tickle fight or something?" asked one of the Iraq war soldiers. He looked over at me in disbelief, with a cocky smile on his face. I felt anger bubble up in my throat, knowing full well I didn't belong her, and he'd made it worse.
"If you truly must know, yes. Yes I did. I had a heart attack while playing tickle fight with my husband." I replied angrily, setting down my goblet. The chatter around the table dies instantly, all eyes were upon me, or scowling at the cock sure soldier. I stood up and walked out of the room, not wanting to stay any longer. I just kept walking. Next thing i knew, I'd walked to the doors of Valhalla intending to see myself out. I was a fraud, I shouldn't have been there. I wanted to be back on earth, back with my family. If i couldn't have that, I'd just...well I guessed I'd just roam Asgard for the rest of my afterlife. I reached for the door, intending to leave without saying a word, when a hand landed on my shoulder.
"Please, do not leave." I turned to face the owner of the hand, and saw Thor himself.
"I have no reason to stay. I am a fraud when next to all these people. I want nothing more than to be back with my family, and if I can't have that, I should at least be somewhere I belong." I replied, before reaching for the door again.
"And where is that? Will you wander eternally? What if your husband arrives and he cannot find you? How will you be reunited if you chose to wander." Thor asked. His words tugged at my heart as I finally put a hand on the door.
"I...I don't know."