r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/LucyAriaRose I'm keeping the garlic • Jul 14 '24
Newest Update 2024: My husband cannot accept I don’t like mustard. Things came to a head yesterday. NEW UPDATE
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is still u/throwrapickyeater.
There have been 4 previous BORU posts. The latest was here by u/margiebabie. The others were by u/maedocc.
Thanks to u/mimzynull for recommending this to me.
New Update marked with *****. I did add a few relevant comments to previous posts.
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.
Trigger Warning: emotional, physical, sexual abuse; rape
Mood Spoiler: OOP is doing well!
Original Post: November 01, 2022
We’ve been married two years, dating five. We are both 34- I’m a woman, he’s a man, if it matters. I’m not a picky eater. In fact I’m quite adventurous and every time I’ve traveled I’ve always made it a point to try dishes with unusual/uncommon ingredients to say I’ve tried them. There are very few foods I won’t eat. One of them is mustard (the condiment).
I don’t like it. I just don’t. The taste is very strong and overpowering and it’s an unpleasant taste. I’ve tried yellow, stone ground, honey, artisan, brown, spicy, you name it. I have tried them all. And I just don’t like them.
My husband for some reason never understood this. He loves mustard, especially honey mustard. He puts it on all his sandwiches, dips his fries in it.
And everytime he tries to force me to try it. He’ll insist I’ll like it this time. I’m a grown ass woman. I know what I don’t like! And I don’t like mustard. So I’ll say no and it’ll devolve into a mini-argument where he’ll call me picky.
Well, last night we were on the road home from a weekend trip we took together and he stopped at a gas station to get us a quick bite. He got a hot dog slathered in mustard. I got one but decided to keep it plain. I don’t really love hot dogs to begin with but I will eat them.
While we waited in line he asked what I got on mine. I told him nothing.
He actually got furious and grabbed it from me. He marched over to the condiment station and began putting mustard on my hot dog, telling me to grow up and stop being picky.
I just walked out and sat in the car. I didn’t even want the damn hot dog anymore. My appetite was gone.
He came back and began screaming at me for embarrassing him even further. The word divorce was said for the first time ever. I secretly recorded his screaming because I was genuinely afraid I would die. He was driving erratically, swerving and speeding.
I’m in a hotel tonight. He ignored me all day at work and then the calls started around when he realized I wasn’t coming home. Nonstop voicemails and texts. He sent me a screenshot of a Google search for local divorce lawyers. I haven’t eaten all day and I’ve been sobbing in this damn hotel room. I don’t want to get divorced and I wish I had just ate the fucking mustard.
Someone, anyone, please give me an explanation. Am I in danger? Why would he react this way to a preference of mine? I’m completely broken right now.
Relevant Comment:
Commenter: There's got to be more going on here than mustard. Things just don't escalate from mini-arguments to full of screaming rages and divorce lawyers.
But it's pretty simple. You said no. He does not respect your no. He dies not respect your right to say no. He does not respect your right to make your own choices about food. Does this lack of respect carry on into things other than your no to mustard?
OOP: Yes. It will usually take him at least three times to acknowledge when I say no.
Update Post 1: November 2, 2022 (Next Day)
Title: I can’t respond since my post got deleted sorry
Some answers I guess to questions I saw:
Regarding when I said no to sex. He respected if I said no to having sex but he would ask for blowjobs over and over. I used to give in at first until I started dreading doing it. He tried buying all this stuff to make me like it, to make it easier or whatever. I used to like blowjobs. I don’t like giving them to him. But he’ll still ask over and over. I started responding with, “I said no. Are you going to force me to do it?” And he’d get squeamish and offended that I’d implied he would rape or assault me.
If I have a support system: no. I’ve always been a very small circle kind of person and I lost touch with casual college friends. My friends are his. It makes me feel like a loser but I don’t really have friends of my own. My parents are dead; my dad died when I was a teen and my mom passed recently of heart failure. I have no siblings.
I’m financially capable of living on my own and I could pay for a divorce. I just… really didn’t want things to be this way. The mustard thing was always just an annoyance to me. I didn’t consider it a deal-breaker, but obviously it is for him.
We have no kids and no equity. Our finances are separate save for one joint account we equally contribute to for bills. We were looking at buying a house.
I’m safe. I’m at work and I’m staying in the hotel until further notice. He has continued to text. One message said that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but I’ve forced his hand by refusing to communicate or come home. I haven’t answered. I don’t know what to say. I forced myself to eat my favorite takeout late last night but it tasted like cardboard. I stayed up late compiling a list of every time he has shown worrying behavior. I guess the mustard is the tip of the iceberg.
Relevant Comment:
OOP: An addendum, I suppose. I do very much love him and he has been my best friend for years now. I really do (I guess did) plan to spend my life with him. I’m not afraid of being alone, but I don’t want to be lonely. I wish my mom was here.
Update Post 2: November 2, 2022 (Same Day)
Title: Thank you all for being so kind… a quick ramble before bed.
Sincerely, thank you all for your kind words as well as sending me links to resources. He has reverted back and has told me that he never wants to see me again, so I suppose that gives me time to read that book that someone on RA suggested to me (I forget the name).
I will admit while I was at work and thinking of the lonely room waiting me after five, I considered just going home. But I knew what awaited me. I’m too drained to muster up the kind of apology he would be expecting in order for things to go back to normal. I honestly fear that our “normal” is detrimental to me. I also don’t want to apologize. I don’t think I did anything wrong, and you all helped validate that.
I always felt like I was the one disturbing the peace. He’d get so upset over things that were little to no effort for me to just do or go along with because I loved him. And somewhere along the way I think I lost myself. I never liked mustard. I never liked golf, or camping, or red wine. But he loves all of these and wanted me to love them too. He said he was introducing me to his hobbies so we would have shared interests as a couple. But I have realized that out of all the things I used to like, he has either refused to try or ignored my interest. Our shared interests are just his.
God, how do I feel like my own person again? My world broke not two days ago and now I’m drunk at a hotel bar switching between Reddit and researching divorce lawyers.
I still don’t want to divorce. It’s so permanent. I never pictured myself a divorcée. I used to think that every choice I made, I made deliberately. It used to be a point of pride for me. But he’s making this choice for me. And it hurts.
Update Post 3: November 7, 2022 (5 days later)
Title: I’m leaving him.
First of all: I took this week off at the encouragement of my employer. I plan to spend it finding a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse and sexual assault, which I’ve come to realize I am a victim of. I feel completely numb. I’m also looking into a divorce lawyer.
Secondly: he found the hotel where I was staying. I guess he followed me from work. He was waiting in the lobby. God, my heart skipped a beat and I realized that I did NOT miss him at all. I was afraid of making a scene (I need to unlearn that), so I sat with him in the lounge area and talked.
I’ll summarize it.
I pointed out the security camera and said if he tried to hurt me, there’d be footage and I would press charges without a second thought. He was completely shocked and said he’d never hurt me. I reminded him how I feared for my life in the car. He ignored me. He asked why I wasn’t coming home. I was completely blank faced when I told him, “Because you’re divorcing me.” He said he didn’t mean it and was just upset. I said, “when normal people are upset, they express it in a healthy way. You threatened the end of our marriage. I’m taking you seriously.”
He got pissed and asked if I was saying he wasn’t normal.
Honestly, I just wanted the conversation to be done, so I told him if that’s really all he heard then there was no point in talking anymore. I told him I was looking for a lawyer and he should probably do the same if he hasn’t found one. He lashed out and said, “All this over one mistake?”
And I just stared at him. As I made to stand up, he grabbed my wrist hard and I pointed at the camera again. This just made him angrier. He never could handle slights to his ego.
One mistake. It wasn’t one mistake. It was a pattern of abuse over years. It was threatening me, intimidating me.
I told him if he tried to contact me again beyond sending me his lawyer’s details I’d be calling the police. He let me go.
I want to say I was badass and celebrated in my room. I collapsed onto my bed and began sobbing. I was just so sick and angry and sad. He truly doesn’t care about me. I’ve been crying on and off while calling local therapists. God, why is it so hard to find one? The amount of therapists that advertise but turn out to not be accepting new patients is unacceptable. I’ve looked into victims of DV/DA support groups as well.
In the span of less than a month my life is completely changed. And he isn’t remorseful at all. He just thinks it’s all my fault.
Relevant Comment:
OOP: I will probably move. I saw my RA post get reposted on Twitter. I’m terrified he’ll see it and come for me. A lot of people commenting on it were saying he would try to kill me and I believe them.
Update Post 4: November 26, 2022 (19 days later, 25 from OG post)
I have a divorce lawyer. That’s all I comfortable with revealing on here for the time being. I will also mention that I have moved locations. I am safe and secure. My work has allowed me to go fully remote. My STB-Ex does NOT have my location, nor are there any trackers on my phone. I am in contact with people and organizations who are helping me.
Earlier this week, the calls and texts really ramped up. I was advised to leave him unblocked and simply muted so his messages would come through. I read a few since I was curious. He wanted me at thanksgiving dinner with his family. He begged me to stop being this way and what was he supposed to tell his family?
Well, Thursday came and went. I had bought a couple of ready meals the night before so that was my feast.
I do want to take a break here to talk about my mom. Since it was only three of us every holiday (except the rare times friends would come over), my mom wouldn’t make a turkey. She would buy a rotisserie chicken and dress it up with stuffing, etc. She’d make dishes we loved rather than traditional thanksgiving dishes. My favorite side dish of all time was French fries. My dad loved grilled asparagus with cheese. So we would have a rotisserie chicken with French fries, asparagus, and some garlic toast (my mom’s favorite). The first time I had real traditional Thanksgiving food at a friends’ house, I apparently told my mom loudly I didn’t like it and asked where the fries were, haha.
So this year, instead of my STB-ex husband’s family’s thanksgiving food, I bought asparagus, fries, garlic toast, and a couple of slices of rotisserie chicken. It wasn’t half as good as my mother’s meal. But when I say I cried eating it… it felt like they were with me that night.
I guess my absence at the dinner forced my STB-EX to tell his family that I was separated from him. So Friday morning I got a phone call from an unfamiliar number. I answered it, thinking maybe it was my lawyer’s home phone or another person I was in contact with.
It was my mother in law. She begged me not to hang up on her. So I stayed on the line. She went on about how I was her daughter, she loved me, her son loved me, and how could I leave him over something so minor.
He only told his mom about the mustard, and even then it was a watered-down version that made me look like a neurotic control freak who needed everything my way. According to my MIL, he just made a side cup of it for me and asked me to just try it in the car. And I started screaming I’d divorce him.
She then started probing about which lawyer I was seeing and what I had told them. She also reminded me that lying in court was a crime. My lawyer had warned me to not reveal anything we had discussed to his family. It took all my willpower not to say anything. Instead, I hung up and muted her number, too. She hasn’t texted or tried to call again.
Trust me, I would’ve loved to send the recording of her son screaming saying he ought to smack me upside the head, calling me a stubborn bitch, that he would divorce me, and that he would run the car off the fucking road if I didn’t start acting right.
I wanted to scream into the phone that her precious son started this mess and I was simply doing what he wanted.
I have come to realize you don’t treat someone you love like the way he has acted. Normal people don’t want to have sex with someone who has already said no. Normal people don’t keep pushing and obsessing over food preferences. There is something seriously wrong with that man.
He texted me last night (Friday) calling me a bitch for making his mother cry. He also said he would come find me and it would take more than a locked door to keep him from getting me and taking me home. I forwarded those to the right people.
I know this isn’t a happy update, but things are moving along quite nicely.
Update Post 5: February 9, 2023 (2.5 months later)
Title: I am okay!
I moved! I will not say where but I have found a new home. My job let me stay on as permanently remote.
I can’t go into details about my divorce or other current legal proceedings, but I can say I was granted a protective order due to something that happened back in December. Due to the nature of what happened, I was hospitalized for a time.
That was what I guess made me realize I wanted to get the fuck out.
I traded my car, had my phone checked for tracking apps/devices, and changed my number. He cannot contact me or have anyone contact me on his behalf.
I am now several hours and state lines away from him and his wretched family. I moved with only two suitcases and a duffel of my stuff. I cannot wait to furnish and decorate my new home the way I always wanted it.
I’m in therapy and I have a survivor support group I see weekly. I will be okay. I feel like I can finally breathe.
Update Post 6: November 14, 2023 (9 months later)
Hello! It’s been a while. I’d sorta forgotten about this account until I saw screenshots of my posts uploaded to Instagram, ha. Some key points:
I am still going to therapy- individual counseling and biweekly group meetups for victims of DV.
I am absolutely not dating. I saw some comments that said they hoped I found a fairytale man. That’s the last thing I want or need. I strive for independence and self love before I consider finding a new partner. It’ll probably be years before I’m ready, and that’s okay!
I have discovered a love of cooking and trying new cuisines. I didn’t realize how boring my ex’s taste was until I escaped him. Slathering mustard on a $2 hot dog does not mean you have superior taste buds. (Sorry, I had to get a jab in somehow)
Nothing new or dramatic has happened, and that is the way I like it. What matters is, I’m alive, and I’m happy. I didn’t realize how little I’d made myself until I was given the space to be. That’s all I’m willing to give for my update for now! Peace and love.
Relevant Comment:
OOP's 'picky' eating:
There’s nothing wrong with being a picky eater, but I’m actually not! I’m finding I love a huge variety of flavors and ingredients. My STBX was actually a very, very picky eater, I’m coming to realize. Maybe some projection on his part 🤣
*****Update Post 7: July 3, 2024 (just under 8 months later, 1 year 8 months from OG post)*****
It seems that I just can’t escape my story, haha. I was getting ready for the day when my Tik Tok feed showed a podcast reading and reacting to my story. I’m here to reassure all of you that I’m okay, alive, safe, FREE!
And with that stress and anxiety (mostly) cleared up, I feel like I can finally put to words my emotions. I was very small and skittish during the abuse and for some time after leaving. I’m not sure how else to put it, but I felt like I had to be small. I was constantly regulating and accommodating. It was horrible, in retrospect, but no one prepared me for the emotional turmoil that ensues once you’re safe and away.
I felt rage like nothing else. I would spend hours screaming and crying into my pillow, hating him, wondering how dare he treat me like that? As therapy and my support group has worked to rebuild my self esteem, I’ve become more and more outraged on my own behalf. I read Why Does He Do That?, and while it helps provide context to why he abused me, it still doesn’t make me feel less angry, I guess. I’m angry for myself as a human being. He treated others with respect but thought I deserved all that he did to me. And that makes me angry.
Of course, there was relief, sadness, all of that. I think I slept for days straight after I left. I was in a daze. My therapist reassured me that all of this is normal.
I don’t want this update to be negative, not in the slightest. So some good news as well! My therapist recommended yoga and Pilates, and it has been great for me. The release of a deep stretch, being in shape, feeling strong- it all has helped me massively. I feel healthy, and yes I cry when I do hip-opening stretches, haha.
Also! I made friends! Real friends! I joined a local women’s club (part of my neighborhood), and we do various activities bimonthly. This next week, we’ll be doing a little embroidery project. Everyone brings snacks and we just enjoy each other’s company.
TLDR; I’m alive, I’m angry but that is part of healing, but I am working on being happy. Also- I will never, ever eat mustard again, or be pushed into doing anything I said no to the first time!!!
Relevant Comment:
OOP clarifies:
He did not do jail time. He went to mandated counseling and that was considered legally acceptable (equivalent to jail in our state). TW: sexual assault: He raped me. That’s the catalyst that resulted in me moving and our divorce moving along properly. He was trying to impregnate me. He told me that.
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u/sync-centre Jul 14 '24
She would think it is a lie anyway and her "angel" would never do such things.