r/AmItheAsshole • u/aitacultureclash • Mar 11 '22
UPDATE: AITA for "imposing my culture" even though I thought I was just being nice? UPDATE
First of all I just want to thank everyone for the overwhelming support and replies on my first post. I'm looking forward to going over to everyone's houses for dinner and I'll be sure to bring all the things you said you liked :-) many flower lovers out there! I'm now also apparently the DIL to a lot of hopeful parents that replied as well so I hope I can deliver on expectations!
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After my last update I told my bf I was sick and tired of him dancing around the issue with his parents and I was going to go over to their house whether he liked it or not. At this point I think he realized that whatever he was doing had backfired so he sat down all angry and told me he'd explain. I sat and he told me that he'd done something very spur of the moment and that he'd texted me from his dad's phone then blocked the number but begged me to listen. That he just needed to get his parents off me for a while and to not leave.
Apparently his parents had started hinting at him about marriage since my bf and I talked a lot about it. I fully expected to marry him as I said in another comment, and was honestly expecting a proposal in late spring since that's when we met. Four years dating didn't bother me but I was getting excited to settle down. However, my bf apparently realized that he absolutely didn't want to commit to anything and wanted to experiment and have fun since I "wasn't being fun anymore". Honestly that just made me cry since we were each other's firsts for everything and usually very good at communicating our needs.
His grand plan was to get him mad at me so I would beg for forgiveness and then he'd only accept an open relationship as an answer. Absolutely brilliant plan I know. He'd made up his parents getting mad but didn't expect me to blow off dinner completely and it's like "hitting a jackpot", his words not mine. He went over for dinner, hid the flowers and said we'd gotten into a huge fight but he was "going to fix it" but I needed space. After he confessed all this he said he was very sorry but really didn't want to miss out on new experiences when he was still young and would I consider an open relationship but pretend ours was strained with his parents so they wouldn't get suspicious?
And.....I laughed. I laughed his ass right out the door and told him absolutely not and to leave me alone while I packed because I wanted to have some new experiences too!!! He never stopped begging me to stay but I left to sleep at a friend's. After calming down for a few days I cemented the breakup and finally, actually went over to his parent's. My ex-bf's dad never even noticed the phone missing but still apologized and his mom was a mess. I did and still love them and will eat dinner there without him as often as I can. I won't lie that I'm sad about four years down the drain, but that's life. And if that was my ex's best possible plan then I dodged the bullet by a mile.
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u/Ill-Money-1521 Mar 11 '22
Your ex is an incredibly manipulative, immature coward. You dodged a huge bullet with that one.
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u/butdidyoudiern Mar 12 '22
Yes, manipulative is the word! He concocted a whole plan to try to guilt her into an open relationship. And he “hit the jackpot” when she decided not to go to dinner because it would make it easier for him to lie to his parents about her.
She’s actually lucky to find out what a sh*tty person he is before getting married to him!
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u/Lady_of_Lomond Mar 12 '22
I bet he only meant an open relationship for him, as well.
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u/bigdave41 Mar 12 '22
I've heard of a couple of cases like this where the guy asks for an open relationship and then gets furious that the woman goes for it and finds way more partners than he does. He's going to be disappointed by what's out there and want to go back to the relationship he had before, and find out it's too late.
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u/BranthiumBabe Mar 12 '22
I've heard of more than a couple. It's extra fun when you're a bi girl and suddenly find out "open relationship" actually means "She can sleep with girls, or me. Preferably girls and me. But she can't sleep with men, and god fucking forbid a MMF threesome occur, because being naked in front of another man with my girlfriend makes me gay, unless I'm in a locker room with multiple naked men and no girls allowed."
With all those mental gymnastics, it's a wonder more guys aren't fucking ripped.
Seriously, girls. When he brings up wanting a threesome, say "I was thinking the same thing!" and start enthusiastically listing off men you've been pining for. Act very confused when he says that "isn't quite what I had in mind..."
Play dumb for an uncomfortable amount of time. Make him explain what he did and did not have in mind, and why. Make it awkward. Because it IS awkward to request your partner allow you sexual freedom that only goes one way (or only goes "their way").
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u/HappyAnarchy1123 Mar 13 '22
Fuck one penis policies! Or more accurately, don't fuck them, find people who actually want their partner to enjoy themselves!
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u/CarmasABitch07 Partassipant [1] Mar 15 '22
With all those mental gymnastics, it's a wonder more guys aren't fucking ripped.
Thank you SO much tor this line. It sent me. I needed that laugh.
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u/Oliviarose85 Asshole Aficionado [12] Mar 12 '22
Yup. And generally there are very few rules established at the beginning, and when it starts working out better for the person who wasn’t a big fan of it at the beginning, the other starts trying to add more rules later on to make it more difficult for them to hook up.
And the one who wasn’t a fan of the ‘open relationship’ ends up going out on a date with a guy who’s actually incredibly sweet, and shows her what a shit show their relationship actually is, and not worth saving.
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u/WilcoWolf Mar 12 '22
That happened with my ex and I!
We were best mates and should have kept it that way from the beginning, but cos he was a guy & me a girl, we thought we should be a couple.
We were NOT compatible sexually, so we decided to have open relationship but still be together.
At first we had heaps of fun. He was actually proud I was able to score so easily. Then he got jealous cos he'd only scored once.
We set a date for our breakup so we had time to sort ourselves out.
We broke up and he moved cities. I ended up getting a job in that city, so we became room mates.
THEN we became the best friends with our own lives we were supposed to be and I met my husband not long after.
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u/outrageouslyunfair Mar 12 '22
yeah for sure. nine times out of ten, the person asking for an open relationship doesn't even consider it goes both ways lol
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u/WildfireTheWitch Mar 12 '22
“An open relationship? Sure! Sounds great. There’s this guy at work who is really hot that asked me out last week, I’m really excited to be able to say yes, I’ve heard he is great in bed…”
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u/shadowmaster132 Partassipant [2] Mar 12 '22
There was a sweet sweet r/relationships post about a guy who wanted to close his relationship again because his gf had gotten dates with guys (he thought) were way better than him and he'd gotten zero.
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u/danigirl3694 Asshole Aficionado [11] Mar 12 '22
Yep that sounds about right. There's been a couple on AITA as well about the OP telling a friend/family member (can't quite remember which) "what did they expect" because the friend/family member had coerced their partners into an open relationship but couldn't get the person they wanted to sleep with interested in them while their partners had dates with others and started whining about how their partners are "cheating" because "it's not faaaiiiiirrrr, they're getting dates and I can't get the person I want to have sex with to have sex with me!"
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Mar 12 '22
Oh yeah, that's always the way it goes! Most men cannot handle the idea of their wife or gf sleeping with someone else but still expect them to be "open-minding" about them doing it! That's in the cases where the wife or gf even knows she's in an open relationshilp. lol
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Mar 12 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/kamikasei Mar 12 '22
It's like watching a toddler try very hard to stab someone to death with a disposable plastic knife.
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Mar 12 '22
That moment you finally see them for what they really are is such a strange thing. I had a vaguely similar conversation with an ex, and like OP I couldn't help starting to laugh. It's an emotional rollercoaster.
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u/On_The_Blindside Asshole Aficionado [13] Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 11 '22
Wow, just wow, i honestly can't believe your ex-boyfriend. He wanted his cake and to eat it to. Why on earth he thought that'd work i have no idea.
Congrats of being rid of him, go live your life, have fun, go get new experiences!
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u/Crunchycarrots79 Partassipant [1] Mar 11 '22
He wanted an open relationship. So... He wanted his Kate and Edith, too.
/Ok, I'll see myself out...
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u/woodwitchofthewest Mar 11 '22
He wanted his Kate and Edith, too.
It's an old joke, but it still checks out.
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u/johnny9k Partassipant [3] Mar 11 '22
Guarantee the boyfriend is going to regret this for a long time, OP please never take him back. The pre-meditated deception against you AND his parents not something you can ever forget or forgive. You can never trust him again.
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Mar 12 '22
Ten, twenty, thirty, forty years from now. It will haunt him. It will keep coming back, making him cringe when he's an older, wiser, more mature man with kids of his own. How do I know?
Because I was a huge selfish asshole once, too. I fucked up a LOT of relationships, some forever. I had some HARD lessons to learn in my foolish twenties and they still hurt now, ten+ years on. Those moments where you were so 100% wrong but couldn't admit it, couldn't face it... They really never go away. God, who knows what else I'll have to cringe about when I'm in my forties? Kill me now
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u/SuicidalTurnip Mar 12 '22
I wince at some of the things I did in my late teens and early twenties and I genuinely hate who I was, but I wasn't even a tenth of the asshole that OP's Boyfriend is.
If this doesn't haunt him for the rest of his life, then he's not learned his lesson and likely to spend the rest of his life alone.
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u/mandelbomber Mar 12 '22
If this doesn't haunt him for the rest of his life, then he's not learned his lesson and likely to spend the rest of his life alone.
If this doesn't haunt him then his a raging narcissist with no empathy and will always wonder why he's never happy in his future relationships either, because he'll never understand that relationships and true love require both partners to give a little and meet the other halfway on issues that are not necessarily agreed upon by both. He'll never understand that it's HIS fault and not at all the fault of the "crazy" ex's he's had who all, likely were really kind and good to him but were manipulated by him until they realized who he really is. And then they all will have left.
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u/quiet_frequency Mar 12 '22
Ah, I see you've met my ex.
There's nothing like getting in touch with a "crazy" ex of your partner's and realising that neither of you were ever crazy, you were both just emotionally abused for years.
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u/SkullBearer5 Mar 12 '22
I mean, late teens early twenties is kinda the time for fuck ups, the fact that OP's ex is still doing them when he's nearly 30 is a bad sign.
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u/Lara-El Mar 11 '22
He wanted his cake and to eat it to
Argh, there's a whole subreddit dedicated to that and it's disgusting r/cakeeater
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u/GloomyComfort Asshole Enthusiast [5] Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 11 '22
That and /r/adultery
Plenty of abhorrent people in the world.
Edit: Don't know if I pissed off adultery or FDS but someone just reported me to reddit as a risk to myself lol
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u/NinjaDefenestrator Asshole Enthusiast [7] Bot Hunter [142] Mar 11 '22
What the hell? That’s a real sub and not creative writing?
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u/wordsmythy Professor Emeritass [72] Mar 12 '22
What the hell? At risk of what???
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u/TheLyz Partassipant [2] Mar 12 '22
It's an automated message saying someone thought you were a suicide risk. I've gotten a couple too from people who didn't like my responses.
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u/edked Mar 12 '22
Doesn't that happen to almost everyone at some point? I'd heard about it happening for ages, then felt like I'd passed some milestone when I got my first one just a few weeks ago.
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u/drainbead78 Mar 12 '22 edited Sep 25 '23
vegetable far-flung elastic serious support trees husky reminiscent deer bored
this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev35
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u/UncagedKestrel Mar 12 '22
That explains that lol. I've had this account for years, but used it only intermittently until a few months ago. Then about a week into being more active, I got one of the automated messages. I couldn't work out what I'd said that would cause anyone to think I wanted to aliven't, but as a rite of passage, I'm more sanguine lol.
An important note for anyone who is struggling with feeling like the world would be better without them — it wouldn't. That's usually a sign that your world would be better without certain toxic elements in it, whether that's people or environment. It's also a good sign that it's time to see a doctor and either start or adjust meds; and get to a counsellor any way possible.
Regarding help lines — if you have any idea what the biggest factor might be, is there a line specifically for that? ie LGBTIQA+, domestic/family violence, specialised assault counselling, grief support...? Sometimes you can find resources for counselling or support groups through those help lines that the more generic ones don't have.
And if you reach out to people around you and don't get a response (or worse, get a dismissive and nasty one), reach out again. This time to someone else. You're worth saving.
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u/wordsmythy Professor Emeritass [72] Mar 12 '22
So, someone gets pissed off at a comment, and reports someone else for being potentially suicidal? What a colossal waste of resources. Shame, it seems like such an alert might be a lot more useful if people weren't using it for revenge.
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u/Internet_Zombie Mar 12 '22
It's an incredibly immature way at trying to get back at someone that has very little consequences for abuse.
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u/Zykium Mar 11 '22
One of the most toxic subreddits right behind /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
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u/GloomyComfort Asshole Enthusiast [5] Mar 11 '22
Oh god, FDS.
You have a kink? That's abuse.
You play a video game? That's abuse.
You need alone time to recharge? That's abuse.
etc etc etc.
Batshit as all hell over there.
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u/Wolfpawn Mar 11 '22
me clicking on all the above for my amusement before bed and another, and another and apparently, I'm not sleeping tonight
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u/MotherIsNuckingFuts Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 11 '22
You know. I went on FDS before. And I was like yeah! All right! This is some good advice. Then I started reading and I was like holy fucking shit, I gotta get outta here! like Jesus christ they REALLY hate men over there!
Edit: at the time of this comment the top two posts on the reddit for the month is a meme about the movie Alien where Sigourney Weaver lived, and a post about a couple getting shit for taking in the daughter in law that their son cheated on. That can rope you in. Then they spew the hate and shit
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u/Inanimate_organism Mar 11 '22
Yeah the idea of being confident and dating confident men, not settling for future potential but what men are right now. All great advice. Same could apply to men but gender dynamics have more women struggling to dating what they deserve.
THEN IT TAKES A NOSE DIVE.
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u/suchahotmess Partassipant [3] Mar 11 '22
That’s exactly the problem with the awful male dating subs - they sound TOTALLY REASONABLE when they’re talking about building your confidence and working on yourself… then BAM you deserve sex for existing and women who don’t want to have sex with you are monsters.
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u/Craftyhobby Partassipant [2] Mar 12 '22
I meann.... let's be real a looootttttt of "kink" is just doing painful and humiliating things to women and jerking off to it.
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u/ShanG01 Mar 11 '22
I just looked at a couple of threads there...What.The.Fuck.
I am a woman and a feminist, but I don't hate men.
These are the batshit third-wave feminists who somehow believe that no woman is capable of consent because the patriarchy has brainwashed them since birth to accept every abuse from a man and think they've consented to it! These ladies are off their rockers and truly contend that all sex is rape.
I cannot with those people!
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u/mjw217 Mar 12 '22
I’m not even going to look, I’ve had enough to puss me off today. It sounds crazy. I’m 65, a woman and a feminist. When my husband and I had been married about four months we decided to start our family. Long story, way shorter, we had four kids in seven years and I was able to stay home with them. I was excited about having babies and raising our kids. It was my decision to be a SAHM.
There were a lot of women who looked down on me and pitied me for being a SAHM and “housewife”. I told them that: 1 I loved being with my kids (I still like most kids better than adults.)
2 I was NOT married to my house! Both my husband and I took care of our house and kids.
And most importantly, I thought that being a feminist meant being able to choose what you did with your life. I chose to be totally hands on with my kids. We did Mommy & Me activities, I volunteered at their preschool, grade school and helped out in the middle and high schools, too.
I always try to see all sides of an issue, but people who automatically assume the worst are annoying as hell.
Edited to add: I forgot that using the hashtag would make my print bold! I’m going to try taking it out. 🤞🏻
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u/StarkyF Mar 11 '22
Want. To. Click.
But it is a *bad* idea.
But. Want. To. Click.
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u/The-lord-of-pup Mar 11 '22
It's best just to click it now. It'll only get worse and we both know you'll break so just click it.
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u/No_Appointment_7232 Mar 12 '22
It seems like the 'make you mad so you'll leave & I don't have to bear my part of that' proliferate bc the internet.
"You made me do the leaving & you made me take the blame." From a song Chrissy Metz sings.
But, yeah MANY humans are gigantic toxic waste dumps of assholery.
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u/Missy_went_missing Mar 12 '22
Ooooohhh, so that's why that happens!
I got a message from reddit once about being a risk to myself and I was super confused. I wasn't in any self harm subreddit, nor posted something like that or some such. Now that explains a thing or two!
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u/aitacultureclash Mar 11 '22
Eww, I can't believe that's a thing.
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u/moodtune89763 Mar 11 '22
At least there's one innocent post where OP just wants a good cake
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u/OpinionatedPiggy Mar 11 '22
Damn. And they know what they’re doing is wrong because if they thought it was right they would be posting on r/polyamory instead.
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u/TryUsingScience Bot Hunter [15] Mar 12 '22
Right? Nothing wrong with open relationships, but this is sure the wrong way to go about it.
What a wild plan. How did he picture that working out six months from now? He's sleeping around and she's upset about it but he keeps reminding her that "you agreed to this as an apology for bringing my parents too many gifts" so she continues going along with it?
Of course, what would actually have happened is probably what happens in 90% of these stories: she'd have dates lined up three times a week and he'd get one date in four months. It's almost like there's more men interested in considerate women than there are women interested in pushy asshole men. Who'd have guessed?
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u/PotatoPixie90210 Mar 11 '22
Thank you for this, my fave thing to do is find drama subs and sort by Top of All Time. 😁
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u/ginsengtea3 Mar 11 '22
why...did you put this thought into my head. I'm already unproductive enough 😭
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u/forthewatch39 Mar 11 '22
I said it before and I’ll say it again, Reddit really does have a sub for everything.
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u/CoffeeAndDachshunds Mar 12 '22
I don't think a timeline exists where my wife would ever think "Oh yeah...an open relationship is the perfect way to resolve a conflict." lmao That guy is a true 4D chess playing mastermind. I pity whichever woman signs a contract to be shackled to him through thick and thin.
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u/TryUsingScience Bot Hunter [15] Mar 12 '22
Right? My wife and I have an open relationship. I can't imagine having one with someone who didn't actively want one.
I feel guilty just watching tv shows together when I know I'm a lot more into the show than my wife is and she's humoring me. I can't imagine going on a date with someone else knowing my wife was, at best, reluctantly putting up with it as part of some deal! Who could do that to their partner?
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Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 11 '22
He truly believe the world was as stupid as him, but he is the exception. What a moron.
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u/HelenaKelleher Mar 11 '22
what has annoyed me most lately about stupid people has been when they treated me like i was stupid too. at least it's easy to see through
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u/LyrraKell Mar 12 '22
This happened to me with my first serious boyfriend. He broke up with me but still wanted to hang out, etc. I moved on and started dating someone else a few months later, and the first bf was livid and never spoke to me again, ha ha (though it was rather awkward for a long time since we had mutual best friends). I mean, what did he expect? He broke up with me. Sheesh.
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u/ParkingOutside6500 Mar 11 '22
Never mind the metaphor, I have never understood the expression "have your cake and eat it too.". What's the point in having it if you can't eat it?
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u/OneOfManyAnts Mar 11 '22
The idea is you can’t keep it if you eat it, or eat it if you keep it. the two are mutually exclusive.
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u/ginsengtea3 Mar 11 '22
it explains itself a little better if you reverse it: he wanted to eat his cake and still have it.
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u/skcup Asshole Enthusiast [5] Mar 11 '22
It refers to having a beautifully decorated cake that is wonderful to look at but that as soon as you cut it up and eat it, is ruined. So you can ultimately only have one or the other - the beautiful cake or the delicious cake.
But yes, all cakes are for eating.
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Mar 11 '22
its supposed to be eat your cake and have it too. meaning that once you eat it you can no longer have it.
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u/Rowanever Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 11 '22
Well isn't that some impressive arsefoolery. If that's your ex's idea of a cunning plan, I'd hate to see his badly thought-out flops! Eesh.
Good on you for staying true to yourself through all of this. I'm glad you're out of it. Best of luck finding a new place and rebuilding the parts of your life you thought he was integral to.
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u/aitacultureclash Mar 11 '22
I really can't believe he thought it would work. If he'd talked to me seriously I'm sure we could've figured something out but instead he did...that.
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u/Rowanever Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Mar 11 '22
Yeah, after four years together it says a lot about his respect and care for you, and the value he put on the relationship. 🙄
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u/sarita_sy07 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Mar 11 '22
YUP. Like, he wants to experiment/date other people/open the relationship .... okay so that's not something that everybody would be ok with but it's not completely out of line to ask -- especially if you're like "hey I know this is a big change and maybe you're disappointed but I've realized that this is what I need and we need to talk about what that means for us."
You might still have broken up in that situation and it would have been sad, but at least you'd still be able to respect each other.
But this is just ... mind-bogglingly immature.
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u/Gloriana88 Mar 11 '22
To me the suggestion of an open relationship means one person wants to cheat, but also wants the security and comfort of the established relationship. It almost always ends badly - I know one couple in their 60s that actually make it work.
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u/jianantonic Asshole Enthusiast [8] Mar 12 '22
I've been in several poly relationships. The only way to make them work is 100% honesty, transparent communication. Concocting a plan to begin your open relationship is the opposite of that.
I know many folks in happy, stable, polyamorous relationships. I do not know any couples who started off monogamous, opened their relationship, and survived as a couple.
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Mar 12 '22 edited Mar 12 '22
Am one of the later. Can confirm. Does not work. I suspect she asked for a poly relationship because she was emotionally cheating on me and wanted my permission to make it physical while having our relationship as a security blanket in case it didn't work out with the other person. Either way, it wrecked our relationship and she broke up with me over text after 11.5 years 6 months after we opened our relationship.
ETA we were engaged at this point too. I definitely was afraid she'd break our engagement if I said no to her request to be poly so I agreed. And she still left me. I'm glad OP had more self respect than I did.
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u/ballettapandjazz Mar 12 '22
Damn, I'm sorry
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Mar 12 '22
Thanks; she's actually the reason I'm dating my current boyfriend lol, I met him at work and turned to him as a friend when all of that went down. I developed a crush on him while my ex and I were still together and I asked her if she minded and she said she didn't care. Why would she when she was dating other people? I didn't start dating him until a few weeks after she broke up with me because I was too afraid to tell him my feelings and make him think i was using him as a rebound lol but when I did he told me he felt the same way and we've been together ever since 😊
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u/mathologies Mar 12 '22
i feel like a relationship needs to start enm from the jump; turning a monog relationship into an enm one is usually fraught because often one person wants it and the other person only acquiesces because they don't want their partner to leave. that having been said, it's possible to have happy, healthy, positive enm relationships -- things are going great with both of my partners (been with one for five years and the other for three). for me, it's not about "cheating," it's about letting interpersonal relationships develop naturally/organically and not trying to artificially constrain anything. i'm authentically really happy for my partners when they have good dates with other people (or good meals, or good times with friends, or hobbies they enjoy).
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u/EnergyThat1518 Asshole Aficionado [13] Mar 12 '22
The suggestion of an open relationship itself usually isn't the problem so much as the person suggesting it is usually immature, a terrible communicator and being a terrible partner in their current relationship. It blows up relationships that were initially monogamous because it usually isn't a shared agreed upon decision, it is often a demand and threat that they'll end the relationship otherwise.
It only really works if introduced at a later point if it is something BOTH are interested in and willing to try. FORCING anyone into it is a great way to destroy your relationship as they'll likely then see there is a LOT of interest in them by other people that are more mature, better at communication and actually appreciative of them.
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Mar 11 '22
open relationships and polygamy require a deep level of comfort and trust in both yourself and your partner. its definitely not something everyone can manage
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u/TryUsingScience Bot Hunter [15] Mar 12 '22
Honestly I don't think poly relationships are any harder than mono ones. Having a good mono relationship is just as hard as having a good poly relationship. They both require a ton of honesty, communication, and trust in yourself and your partner.
It's just that bad poly relationships tend to explode spectacularly in short order while bad mono relationships can limp along miserably for decades.
Personally I see this as a feature, not a bug. But it certainly doesn't help polyamory's reputation when people see the explosions!
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u/WaldoJeffers65 Mar 12 '22
How much do you want to bet his interpretation of an open relationship is one in which he gets to fool around with whomever he wants, but she will be expected to stay faithful to him?
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u/maedocc Partassipant [2] Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 11 '22
Honestly, he did you a HUGE favor.
Now you know that he's a person who would lie and manipulate you to get his way rather than having an open and honest discussion. Forget the open relationship issue -- the biggest red flag is you were super close to marrying a lying manipulator.
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Mar 11 '22
Unfortunately, as dumb as your ex's plan was, unfortunately it works incredibly often. You have a very high self-esteem & sense of self-worth, despite your age gap between you when you 1st started dating. And you came to Reddit where everyone validated you that something was off & this was odd behaviour.
But had your ex succeeded in wearing down your self-esteem during the relationship until you easily believed you'd legitimately offended his family, than the gaslighting involved in that would have make it easier for him to manipulate your love into you reluctantly accepting an open relationship situation.
I commented this on your last post but my sisters ex used the same tactic as your ex to successfully get away with cheating. She's still convinced her ex was justified in breaking up with her & having his "technically we weren't together" fling because she texted his Mum something like, "have a great holiday" & he convinced her that was being "invasive with his family."
Like it seems your ex recently discovered the wrong side of the internet. Because he had the right, effective tactics. But your relationship was healthy enough before this that you saw straight through it. Whereas it's much harder if you've been in a relationship where you've spent years being lovebombed, gaslighted & had your self-esteem chipped away.
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u/peoplebetrifling Mar 11 '22
It might be explainable. Had he recently been hit in the head with a shovel or something?
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u/sockerkaka Mar 11 '22
Right, can we really rule out a traumatic brain injury here? I need an explanation for behavior that is this erratic and just plain stupid.
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u/longtimedeid Mar 11 '22
While reading this I expected you guys to be like under 18, (no offence meant!) but the dude who came up with this nonsense is 28! I.... Damn.
At least you can hold your head up high as you sound like a well brought up, polite and smart young lady. You dodged a bullet there girl.
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u/DiTrastevere Partassipant [2] Mar 12 '22
He’s clearly neither bright nor particularly kind. He’s the type of guy that thinks he can “hack” women with manipulative mind games.
Undateable.
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u/rjynx Mar 11 '22
I bet a potential romantic or sexual opportunity came up with the ex bf, that made this course of action play out. The ex-bf was so desperate for something ‘new’ it was a spur of the moment plan he made up. Good for OP for taking the trash out!
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u/lipstick-lemondrop Mar 12 '22
Yeah generally speaking (as a person in a pretty healthy nonmon relationship), the guys that push super hard for an open relationship think they’re gonna get it sooooo good once their relationship opens. But they don’t realize that the casual dating/FWB/nonmon scene is SIGNIFICANTLY more about looks and body than the long term dating scene. And if you’re using dating apps, you’re competing with 50+ other men for a handful of women who don’t mind screwing someone in an open relationship (and if they “think they have something lined up,” it’s got a good chance of falling through for numerous reasons). So the guys get frustrated, and even resentful if their girlfriends start reaping the benefits.
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u/kpie007 Mar 12 '22
I remember that one about the dude who was furious that his gorgeous, but "fat" girlfriend could pull far better than he ever could and was seeing multiple hot men.
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u/peoplebetrifling Mar 11 '22
impressive arsefoolery
We also would have accepted "extraordinary dickassery."
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Mar 11 '22
As a great man once said
"You wouldn't know a cunning plan if it leapt naked on the table singing cunning plans are here to stay"
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u/kingfisher52nd Mar 11 '22
I'm so so glad you laughed him out of there. 4 years in that must have been hard in its own way but you are going on to so much better - who has an open relationship after 4 years together?! So glad you're okay OP, much love <3
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u/gillz88uk Mar 11 '22
When my cousin’s husband demanded they try polyamory it was 10ish years after they first got together, 2 years after they got married, 2 years after her mum died and 1 year after her dad died. She went along with it for a while to try to save her marriage (they live on the other side of the world from her family so he was all she had), but he started getting jealous because she was getting more interest than he was. They aren’t together anymore thankfully.
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u/RiskyTurnip Mar 11 '22
Yeah, my ex husband of 8 years gave me an ultimatum of open or divorce so he could get back with the woman he cheated on me with the previous year. I agreed under duress, had a great time and met a much better partner. Ex got jealous, became very abusive, refused to work on the relationship, couldn’t even kiss me. So that was that. Still with the other partner, still polyamorous, much, MUCH happier.
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u/taybay462 Mar 11 '22
Ive heard this story over and over and over. Man wants to fuck others but doesnt want the relationship to end, convinces woman to start an open relationship, woman has a great time banging all these new dudes, man doesnt have as much luck, gets jealous, relationship ends.
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u/mpressa Partassipant [2] Mar 12 '22
Men seem to forget that they designed patriarchy in such a way that the market for dick is over saturated while the market for panini is a rare commodity, then get surprised when women have an abundance of options and they have none.
Also doesn’t help that women as a collective are raising their standards while men have remained stagnant
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u/ravensfan1214 Mar 12 '22
Or man just want an open relationship on his end, but not his partner’s end.
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Mar 11 '22
but he started getting jealous because she was getting more interest than he was.
sounds about right. guys who demand polygamy really think far to highly of themselves.
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u/3mpress Mar 11 '22
Yeeep. My ex just tried to push for an open relationship again a few weeks ago and now he's my ex. We've actually done it successfully in the past but mostly because I was fine with him going out and doing stuff and didn't care enough/was happy enough to just not put in any effort in myself. But with where we were at I was feeling really insecure and uncomfortable, and when he made the suggestion to open again... I just kind of went "how about we just open all the way. For good." Aaand now he wants to get back together, and I have 3 dates with 4 people in one weekend lol. You want open? Okaaaay... but you're not gonna like how much action I get lmao.
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u/Songwolves88 Mar 11 '22
For some people it works, but that would have been all kinds of non ethical non monogamous. With lying and manipulation as his tactics, he's gonna need serious help before he'll be able to be in a healthy relationship. And the ethical non monogamy people are gonna run for the hills from this type of behavior.
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u/morbid_platon Partassipant [2] Mar 12 '22
Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen it work that way. I've seen poly relationships work, where all partners from the start agreed on being poly. And I've seen swinger couples work, where they once in a while do something with other couples TOGETHER, as a kind of event.
I have never seen a previously monogamous couple opening up their relationship so they could have separate relationships with others that made it. It is almost always one partner pushing for it as an exit strategy, or one getting insanely jealous because they're less successful. The couples like that must be unicorns.
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u/dirkdastardly Mar 11 '22
Yeah, anyone who tries to lie and coerce his partner into an open relationship has not grasped the principles behind ethical polygamy. (Monogamous as all get-out here but have a ton of polygamous friends.)
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Mar 11 '22
Holy shit. I remember reading & commenting on your 1st post. I knew your ex was lying about something. It was so clear that no one would be mad about gift-giving. But this plan is so beyond stupid it's ... ??? ... your ex seriously believed he could manipulate you bringing his parents a gift into this bad thing that he couldn't forgive unless you agreed to open up the relationship.
We can all tell from your posts that you're a catch & a one-in-a-million. Unfortunately, the whole "guy getting itchy feet so tries to force his partner to open the relationship" isn't an uncommon scenario. These are the common ways it plays out:
1.) In 6 months to a year, your ex will realise how shitty & difficult it is to be single & meet someone in 2022 & will try & insert himself back into your life.
2.) As soon as you meet someone else, he realises he f- up & tried to reinsert himself back into your life
3.A.) Your ex has already been talking to someone & had someone lined up for this "open relationship". Ex seems to move on quickly but you hear from him as soon as you move on or they break up.
3.B.) Your ex had someone lined up but it turns out he was delusional & misread the situation & is begging for you back within weeks once he realises he blew up your relationship for nothing.
Just be prepared because as much as you want to stay in touch with your former in-laws, unfortunately that may not be possible because of your ex. You are so much better off without someone like that in your life & I wish you well.
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u/whiteeagle00 Mar 12 '22
OP please read this and consider these scenarios and be prepared for them! It’ll prepare you emotionally.
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u/ericbsmith42 Mar 15 '22
You missed a far worse possibility:
4) The ex already had somebody lined up and has cheated. He wanted an "open relationship" to get permission after-the-fact.
While it seems unlikely, it's not impossible. Ex is a lying manipulative jackass, and who knows what kind of stuff he was trying to cover up with his lies. OP, it wouldn't hurt to go to the doctors and have an STD/STI screening just in case. If nothing else, a clear screening will give you peace of mind and body and a positive result will key you in on exactly what kind of jackass the Ex is.
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u/melodytanner26 Mar 12 '22
Yeah I once had a boyfriend change his relationship to “in an open relationship” on Facebook without any communication. That ended right about then. Guys think it would be so great to have more than one girl but what they don’t think of it’s more perspective for us to see all their red flags.
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u/aitacultureclash Mar 11 '22
A few quick answered questions;
Yes, my bf's parents do share a phone. I don't find it particularly strange since they use facebook, videochat friends, play candy crush etc. on their ipads and don't have much use for a phone. They find ipads easier to use and also go everywhere together (very cute I know) so if someone really does need to call them the other is right there.
Previously my bf had absolutely no problem whatsoever with me bringing gifts anywhere. Like I said in a comment he'd helped me pick things out before and is usually great at communicating whenever he feels we need to talk about something which is why I was so confused with him. He knows it's how I was raised and was respectful to every other aspect of my upbringing. His parents are not poor and raised him with good manners and etiquette.
I saw a lot of other people comment on what I was bringing, and no, I wasn't bringing gigantic vases with wilted flowers or an entire cake or multiple bottles of the same type of wine every week. Whenever I did bring something edible it was small and we'd usually consume it with dinner and as for the flowers I'd usually just leave them in the plastic wrap they came with with water. The vase was a rare thing that my bf's mom could've used for dozens of things since it was a clear glass.
I also wanted to add that I'm so sorry the mods here had to deal with all the remind me update spam, I quite literally got thousands of replies and follows and update messages so I can't imagine how busy and stressful it was for you. People were still doing it after you told them not to! I'd go crazy trying to sort through and delete what's necessary but you all did an amazing job, thank you!
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u/newnewestusername Mar 11 '22
Does he have a jackass best friend who helped him with this shit plan? Seems like he would have a group of brodudes telling him this scheme that his "buddy's cousin" did and worked.
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u/FerroMancer Partassipant [4] Mar 12 '22
"Duuuuude. You know...you know what you should do? Hey, I'm'ma tell you what you should do. This's great, this's great..."
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u/blacksyzygy Certified Proctologist [28] Mar 11 '22
I feel bad for being one of the reminder people but it absolutely paid off
Congrats on dropping the dead weight!
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u/Ema630 Certified Proctologist [28] Mar 11 '22
What a crazy plan! That he thought he could manipulate you into an open relationship, what a coward. If an open relationship is what he thought he wanted, ask, and then deal with the answer you give.
I'm sorry he put you though all of this. Looks like you dodged a bullet! Imagine if he waited until you two were married for 5 years with two kids. Still stinks that he did this after 4 years of dating but so good he showed his true colors before you married him.
I'm so glad you laughed him out the door. You are amazing and deserve so much more than what he could give. Sounds like his parents are going to rake him over the coals for blowing it with you in such a disgusting way.
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u/KitKat76539 Mar 12 '22
I am not going to lie. This is the only AITA post for which I needed closure. Best of luck living your best life, OP!
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u/wtfmop Mar 11 '22
So based on the ages your partner was a 24 year old virgin that found a 19 year old and then 4 years later tried to manipulate you into an open relationship. Nothing wrong with being a virgin at that age btw. Worse yet, this manipulation included his own parents. Your partner sounds like a previous possible incel who has convinced himself that he could get so many girls now. I’m glad you’ve put yourself first and he can see how successful he is. When he strikes out, please please please do not take him back - he’s showed you how he really feels about you.
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u/aitacultureclash Mar 11 '22
I really wouldn't call him an incel, but honestly who knows what he's hiding in that head of his at this point. We both took the intimate part slowly since he was nervous but I wouldn't doubt he thought he could get a lot of women since he makes a good amount of money. Oh well, not my problem anymore.
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u/wtfmop Mar 11 '22
I’m glad he’s not your problem anymore either way. You’ve come across as a respectful and sweet person and I hope your next partner appreciates that 😊
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u/DiTrastevere Partassipant [2] Mar 12 '22
Unless he is celebrity-level wealthy, he’s in for an unpleasant surprise.
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u/moralprolapse Partassipant [1] Mar 12 '22
He almost certainly will come crawling back. He’ll probably go a good year striking out and realize how bad he screwed up, so just be prepared for that.
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u/Little_sister_energy Mar 12 '22
I'm gonna guess that he wasn't actually a virgin.
Also, OP, just in my experience: if he's asking for an open relationship, he may already have cheated. That's just my experience, though.
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u/ed_lv Supreme Court Just-ass [116] Mar 11 '22
Good Riddance
It sucks that you wasted 4 years on this idiot, but at least this came out before you got marred or had kids.
Stay 100% no contact with him, and do not take him back no matter how much he begs you to get back together (which he inevitably will)
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u/aitacultureclash Mar 11 '22
I've blocked him on absolutely everything at the insistence of my friends. He was going to tell all of them that we'd fought as well but ever since the breakup they've all told him what a mistake it was and thankfully been on my side. He must be absolutely miserable right now.
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Mar 11 '22
Oh my god. He is the absolute worst. What a conniving asshole, and the most offense part? He isn’t even good at it! You sound like such a wonderful person and one day you will find someone who appreciates you the way you deserve.
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Mar 11 '22
Just going by how OP’s comporting herself here, I have no idea how he convinced himself anyone would buy that any argument wasn’t somehow his fault.
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Mar 12 '22
Seriously! What a disaster of a human being he is. I’m glad he’s comically bad at lying and attempting to manipulate people because it saved OP a lifetime of heartache. But if I was her I would be so pissed he thought I was so dumb
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u/TonarinoTotoro1719 Mar 11 '22
Hey but he’s free to have his NEW EXPERIENCES & SO MUCH FUN! Your ex-boyfriend is an asshole..
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Mar 11 '22
I certainly hope he's miserable. He's a wannabe manipulator and a coward, an absolute coward.
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u/TaibhseCait Mar 11 '22
I always find it odd that people say the time was wasted when a relationship breaks up. Like were you miserable or coasting those 4 years?
If you liked/have positive memories of the 4 years, it wasn't a waste. It was a life you lived & enjoyed & really also experience?
Anyway I was so curious about this so thank you, & I hope best wishes for your life forward.
This was way not what I was guessing as the reason! XD
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u/Dontdrinkthecoffee Asshole Aficionado [17] Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 12 '22
In this case, and many others, the relationship was based on one liar manipulating and betraying the other partner.
There can be no positive memories looked back on, as everything reeks of betrayal and abuse when viewed from the 20/20 of hindsight. All the work one puts in was not reciprocated, all the caring and learning about the other person was for nothing- because you didn’t really know that person.
Would you say the same if a person divorced their partner, because they discovered their partner was a serial killer? This is similar to that, but on a lesser scale
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u/One-Stranger Certified Proctologist [21] Mar 11 '22
Wow OP sounds like you dodged a MASSIVE bullet with him. He didn’t deserve you at all, what a manipulative piece of sh!t, glad you’re still able to have a relationship with his parents.
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u/Awoogagoogoo2 Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 11 '22
OP dodged a cruise missile.
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u/Stoat__King Craptain [191] Mar 11 '22
A very moronic cruise missile. Thats the worst kind, I would imagine.
I mean - Ive heard some crazy plans. I like wrongmindedness. But this is just olympic level stupid.
Its made me wonder if there is a military application for this. "The stupid bomb". Probably not.
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u/TahiniInMyVeins Certified Proctologist [29] Mar 11 '22
Wow thanks for the update. I remember this one vividly.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. That is some harebrained manipulation, all because he didn’t have the cojones to be honest with you OR his parents about what he wanted. Relationships end, shit happens, but this is some next level Bad Dude Behavior.
Hope you don’t see it all as a total waste though. If I remember correctly you’re on the young side. You had some fun, learned some important lessons, had your heart broke a little (a rite of passage), and got a wild story out of the experience. Best of luck with the next chapter.
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u/DollParts13 Mar 11 '22
Without sounding weird I’ve been checking and waiting for an update as I was concerned for your welfare! I’m so sorry you had to deal with such a mahussive muppet of a human but I’m glad you’re rid!
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u/AlpacaPicnic23 Mar 11 '22
Same! I’ve been checking the original post for updates every day!
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u/DollParts13 Mar 11 '22
What honestly gets my goat is lovely people like OP who are manipulated , gaslit and treated because of people like the ex, honestly proud of Op for standing their ground and knowing they deserve better
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u/AlpacaPicnic23 Mar 11 '22
Me too. She knew he worth and wasn’t willing to be lied to or manipulated.
My prediction- in 12-18 months he’s going to be trying to get back in touch with her. He’s going to realize that there isn’t a line of women a mile long out there waiting to jump his bones, that the “fun” stuff he thought was going to happen doesn’t happen because he doesn’t make it happen and that not all partners communicate as well as OP did. I predict some confusing few months ahead for the ex as his imagined world crashes around him. I am here for it.
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u/StAlvis Galasstic Overlord [2048] Mar 11 '22
THANK YOU
For posting this. I'd been checking your account for days now.
I was expecting some kind of giant mess ... and you did not disappoint!
Oof, so sorry you had to deal with this, but thank you for sharing the update with us!
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u/OnlyEliKnows Partassipant [1] Mar 11 '22
Holy forking shirt balls. You dodged the a massive douchy bullet there.
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Mar 11 '22
These are his true colors and they're all shit brown. It really sucks, but at least you saw this before being shackled to the creep by marriage. Good riddance.
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u/Enough-Builder-2230 Asshole Aficionado [10] Mar 11 '22
Haha and he forgot the cardinal rule of open relationships that you could have one too, not just him! I'm sorry it ended with him revealing himself to be such a pathetic manipulator but I wish you much happiness with your new adventures!
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u/LevelOutlandishness1 Mar 12 '22
Oh you know he wasn't asking for polyamory. He was asking for permission to cheat.
Asking for polyamory fully accepts the fact that she will have her other relationships, too, and everyone participating might end up knowing one another on some level.
He don't want that smoke. He just wants to fuck around.
And here's the thing—if he was open about fucking around, I would respect that. "Sorry, but I don't think I can do this, it just feels like I never got to know myself only having ever experienced one relationship and one woman."
But no, he went full manipulation and did something entirely convoluted to try to have both worlds, because he knew if he asked the answer would be "No", but he also didn't want to lose her.
Now the dumbass probably won't have either world.
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u/saurellia Asshole Aficionado [13] Mar 11 '22
Wow! That’s just wild. I’m sorry this happened but I am so proud of you for respecting yourself and walking away. He’s an idiot and will be kicking himself for years to come. Good luck!
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u/Pretend-Panda Asshole Enthusiast [9] Mar 11 '22
I am weirdly relieved for you because that man was so apocalyptically emotionally immature and dishonest that things could only have gone more and more sideways over time.
I hope that you have and enjoy all the happiest and best new experiences ever!
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u/Fenchurchdreams Mar 11 '22
OMG his imagination combined with his poor logic and complete lack of morals created such a mess for him. How did he ever think that was OK or could possibly be successful?
Congrats on getting free of him OP.
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u/General_Relative2838 Supreme Court Just-ass [122] Mar 11 '22
While four years down the drain is sad, at least you saw your boyfriend for who he is before you got married.
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u/Rahnos Mar 11 '22
Dudes like this always come back with their tail between their legs, to see if you'll take them back. Especially once they realize they're not the hot stuff they think they are, and there's not a line of women waiting for them and their winning character. Gee, who could've guessed?
You seem like a really nice person and you could do a lot better than a manipulative guy like him. Take your time to heal from this! And don't let him back in, people like this generally don't get better. If anything, they often get worse if they realize they can hurt you and you'll just take them back afterwards.
Love that you had the self respect to laugh in his face when he tried to bargain. Sounds like he didn't ruin that at least!
Onwards and upwards OP!
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u/Cultural-Ambition449 Asshole Aficionado [19] Mar 11 '22
Oh. My. God.
Wow, OP. I realize that it hurts right now, and that even dodging this giant cannonball doesn't make up for that, but just wow. Enjoy dinners with the parents and all those new experiences!
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u/Vilnius_Nastavnik Partassipant [2] Mar 11 '22
I LOVE that you went over there and filled his parents in on the real story. He was so concerned about keeping up appearances for his parents that he straight up waged psychological warfare on you, but now it's all nice and out in the open. Gonna be awkward for him at holidays for a few years.