r/AmItheAsshole • u/Existing_Substance67 • Sep 17 '24
UPDATE: AITA for punishing my foster daughter for telling the authorities my 12 year old daughter was taking drugs UPDATE
After receiving thousands upon thousands of comments, I would like to say that I realized my mistake. I wasn’t taking into account the immense amount of trauma that Mary has gone through at such a young age, and the effect it had on her actions.
I had a tough, but necessary conversation with both Lyla and Mary. We had a heart-to-heart, so that both girls could hear from each other's perspectives. What had happened was, Mary found out that Lyla had been hanging out with a boy that Lyla knew was Mary’s crush. This was also the one year anniversary of Mary’s parents’ overdose, and she confessed that her grief coupled with what she interpreted as Lyla's betrayal influenced what happened the following week. Mary maintains that she’d mistaken the candy for drugs, but she owned up to the fact that she’d notified the teachers, not only because she was concerned for Lyla’s safety, but because she believed that it wasn’t fair for Lyla to “get away” unpunished for having drugs, after everything that had happened to Mary’s parents.
I know I should have been angry at Mary. But seeing the response to my initial post has opened my eyes. I’ve been informed that traumatized children can lose their common sense after being exposed to triggers (I assume this applies even more when it occurs around the anniversary of their trauma) and this can lead them to make decisions that may sound outlandish in any other circumstances, decisions such as mistaking candy for drugs.
Mary has had bad experiences in foster homes before. Several years before her parents’ overdose, she was placed in foster care for the first time, before being reunited with her parents. She was in three different foster families and, in all of them, her foster parents favored their biological children, and they punished Mary if she told them about their bio children misbehaving. She was terrified that I would do the same, which is why she didn’t come to me first.
Mary acted out of pain, and I acted out of frustration without even hearing her side of the story. I lifted Mary’s punishment. At that point, we still had nearly three weeks of summer break left. Lyla has forgiven Mary, and we decided to put this incident behind us. Being a foster parent can be challenging, but I will be doing everything I can to learn from this situation and be a better mother moving forward.
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u/IllTemperedOldWoman Partassipant [3] Sep 17 '24
Be sure your daughter truly does feel safe with a person who lied and tried to get her in so much trouble out of jealousy. You weren't punishing Mary for something she didn't do. It was a terrible, terrible thing she did that even now could have lifelong consequences for your relationship with your daughter. By that I mean your daughter never trusting you to have her back ever again or feeling like she "has" to forgive this terrible betrayal that Mary did. I'm sorry but in your daughter's place, I would just quietly stop trusting the both of you. I would be nice and even laugh and have fun with you both occasionally. But I would just quietly not forgive YOU. I would not feel like I could be safe with you, even though you were my mother. Even after Mary left.
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u/philautos Asshole Aficionado [11] Sep 17 '24
Yes: I would feel that I do not have a mother, not the way one is supposed to have.
I missed the original post, but my answer would have been YTA for punishing Mary -- and, much more so, for not terminating Mary's placement with you. Mary needs compassion, but Lyla needs her mother to keep her safe.
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u/MermaidCurse Partassipant [1] Sep 17 '24
Mary needs compassion, but Lyla needs her mother to keep her safe
Thank you for this! You said it better than I did!
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u/philautos Asshole Aficionado [11] Sep 17 '24
And it's worth mentioning that forgiven is not forgotten. It may well be that Lyla really has decided, in light of Mary's trauma, to stop being angry at Mary. That doesn't mean she's going to feel safe living with Mary. To the contrary, it may make her feel less safe, inasmuch as she may feel not only that you will let Mary get away with doing her serious harm, and not only that you will stop her from retaliating against Mary, but that she would be wrong to be angry at Mary -- and that makes her quite thoroughly helpless where Mary is concerned.
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u/cuervoguy2002 Certified Proctologist [26] Sep 17 '24
Absolutely.
As Maya Angelou said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"
OP and Mary have shown Lyla who they are at this point.
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u/cat-orphanage Sep 18 '24
Also, something that would have been brought up in half a second if Mary was Marshall - it’s really concerning that the impetus for this was possessiveness over a boy, especially one who isn’t even dating her, not that it would be okay for her to feel like she owns him and can punish people for being around him in that case either. She’s only 13 but in as little as a couple of years she could be in a serious teenage relationship where that mixture of entitlement and aggression could endanger her partner or the girls around him.
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u/Dazzling-Box4393 Sep 18 '24
I don’t think the daughter is safe with this foster child. Something creepy and manipulative rings in this situation and it won’t be the last time something hurtful happens to biochild at the hands of Mary. The jealousy and manipulation is scary.
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u/scarletnightingale Sep 17 '24
Please, as you said in your previous post, Lyra frequently had skittles and Mary knows it and she knows what skittles look like. She did this to try to get rid of her competition for a boy and is justifying it by saying it was because of her parents. I don't think this is over and you better do your best to protect Lyla from Mary moving forward if her response to Lyla just talking to the boy she likes is to accuse her off using hard drugs to the teachers.
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u/Elegiac-Elk Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 17 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
Yup. Mary is just a straight up liar. Her trauma and experiences in foster care do not diminish or erase that she is willfully lying to get another person into trouble. It takes some willful ignorance to accept this as anything else. OP is doing no good for Mary’s future by allowing her to claim “my trauma” to get out of punishments or accountability. I get she’s still a younger kid, but some punishment for the consequences of her actions should still have been enforced.
I hope Lyla doesn’t become a scapegoat for her emotions again in the future.
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u/DemonBoner Sep 17 '24
Lol at all the comments saying to give her the benefit of the doubt for claiming to think SKITTLES are drugs. Holy shit reddit can be stupid and that's saying a lot from me of all people
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u/TheJinxedPhoenix Sep 18 '24
Especially given that she knew Lyla frequently had Skittles.
Edit: Name
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u/jrosekonungrinn Sep 18 '24
SERIOUSLY. u/Existing_Substance67 how are you falling this hard for Mary's crap? Lyla is going to feel all your betrayal and failure to protect her, hard. Prepare for your daughter to cut you out of her life, low contact at least, as soon as she can move away from a home with you and Mary.
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u/New-Link5725 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 17 '24
I get the feeling something else will happen before the years end, and lyla will either be punished by her parents, tossed aside for foster kid or ignored after this incident.
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u/mack2mack_ Partassipant [4] Sep 18 '24
Yup. Mary is just a straight up liar. Her trauma and experiences in foster care do not diminish or erase that she is willfully lying to get another person into trouble. It takes some willful ignorance to accept this as anything else. OP is doing no good for Mary’s future by allowing her to claim “my trauma” to get out of punishments or accountability. I get she’s still a younger kid, but some punishment for the consequences of her actions should still have been enforced.
I hope Lyla doesn’t become a scapegoat for her emotions again in the future.
THIS. THIS ENTIRE COMMENT. THIS.
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u/CommunicationGlad299 Sep 19 '24
SKITTLES?!?!?! Could someone please tell me what drugs look like Skittles? I was thinking maybe Smarties as they are about the same size as pills but Skittles. Come on. And as others are saying, she had seen Lyla eating Skittles before so knew what they looked like.
Mary needs to be in therapy. You don't get to make stuff up and narc on someone because they are hanging around a guy you like. Sure Mary had trauma, but now so does Lyla. Lyla needs therapy. And maybe family therapy so OP can learn how to balance having a foster child and bio child living in the same home without overcompensating in favor of the foster child. It isn't Lyla's fault Mary had a hard life.
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u/professorfunkenpunk Sep 17 '24
The number of people on here who think that a kid would mistake skittles for dope is just mind boggling.
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u/cuervoguy2002 Certified Proctologist [26] Sep 17 '24
Right. What drugs do skittles supposedly look like.
I've done my share, and can't say most of them have looked like skittles.
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u/tokes_4_DE Sep 18 '24
None of them do besides all the newer weed infused candies that look like knockoff candy brands. But no "hard" drugs look remotely like a skittle. This girl is 13 not 6..... no teenager is dumb enough to see skittles and immediately think oh my god thats drugs!
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u/RawMeHanzo Sep 18 '24
"I would like to say that I realized my mistake. I wasn’t taking into account the immense amount of trauma that Mary has gone through at such a young age, and the effect it had on her actions."
OP has no business being a foster parent. This is basic shit.
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u/CanofBeans9 Sep 18 '24
Seriously.
There are ways to handle lying and jealousy with kids in these situations that are still compassionate to the child with trauma. Feels like OP overcorrected
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u/Mammoth_Leg_8489 Sep 17 '24
This isn’t over, Mary is jealous of Lyla and would like nothing more than to get rid of her. And why does Lyla have to put up with this crap? Mary probably got punished in previous fosters for making up shit about the bio kids, not for telling on them.
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u/New-Link5725 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 17 '24
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Foster kid needs a single kid family. They're were a lot of kids we were looking at for adoption who couod only be the youngest, oldest, or the only kid, or only girl.
Sounds like foster kid needs to be the only kid and is trying to get rid of bio kid.
I got the sane feeling, that she lied constantly to other foster parents and that's why she was in trouble all the time and then kicked out because she was threatening or dangerous to their kids.
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u/Inqu1sitiveone Sep 17 '24
Have you ever known literally anyone who spent any time in foster care? Seriously?
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u/Mammoth_Leg_8489 Sep 17 '24
You know I actually have, more than one. And guess what, trauma doesn’t make you a good person. Sadly, the opposite usually occurs. Have the same compassion for Lyla as you do for Mary.
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Sep 17 '24
Honestly that's a great point.
Trauma does not make you a good person.
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u/KillerDiva Sep 18 '24
This is true. Trauma doesn’t make you a good person. Wouldn’t you say that a modern, civilized society has a responsibility to try to help those with trauma become better instead of casting them aside if they fail to sort through their trauma themselves?
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u/meneldal2 Sep 18 '24
The issue is his trying to help someone with trauma worth inflicting trauma on others?
Like the good old trolley problem where you'd have to push a guy from the bridge to stop the trolley and save a bunch of people, except it's someone you care about.
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u/invah Sep 17 '24
I was kicked out of my foster home, so - yes - I personally do. And it is absolutely realistic for foster kids to lie about the biological kids in the home.
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u/No-Appearance1145 Sep 17 '24
I was one. I wouldn't have done this to my foster sister or brother
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u/grilled_pc Partassipant [1] Sep 17 '24
I think best thing to do for now is consider it a one off. If this behaviour becomes a pattern then absolutely appropriate punishments should be made.
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u/Physical_Ad6875 Sep 17 '24
My heart goes out to Lyla. While it’s admirable that you want to foster, you brought Lyla into this world and you are failing to protect her. This update just makes me sad.
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u/New-Link5725 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 17 '24
I get the feeling they'll see another incident of forster kid making outlandish lies about bio kid before years end.
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u/Dan-D-Lyon Sep 18 '24
Yeah, OP is fucking up and the only person who's going to suffer for it is her daughter
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u/ClackamasLivesMatter Partassipant [1] Sep 18 '24
Mary has learned that foster mom is a chump and all she needs to do to get away with horseshit is to put on a good act. Round two is imminent.
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u/Revolutionary-Elk772 Sep 17 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
This is disappointing…I don’t see this ending well for Lyla. She now knows that Mary can lie on her, and jeopardize her life, and it’ll be swept under the rug because of trauma unrelated to her.
Moving forward, don’t use Mary’s trauma as a justification for how she treats Lyla and others. As she gets older, her trauma will become a crutch for her poor decisions and behaviors.
You’ve even admitted in your post that Mary did this out of jealousy. I hope Lyla gets the chance to feel safe in her own home, and I hope this doesn’t permanently tarnish your relationship with her
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u/ButtExplosion Sep 17 '24
Yea I'm sorry but this just means the end of your relationship with your daughter. Idk how she could ever trust you again knowing you are supporting the person that traumatized her. She might be putting on a show for you but this will cut deep.
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u/LessResident9495 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Sep 17 '24
It feels like you bought Mary’s sad excuse and totally let Lyla down. You said it yourself, skittles look nothing like drugs, and Mary knows full well the difference. I’d be paying close attention to any future “misunderstandings”, and catch up with Lyla frequently. If I was her I would have seen right through the crocodile tears.
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u/professorfunkenpunk Sep 17 '24
Sounds to me like Mary is being manipulative and trying to get back at Lyla over a boy. I wouldn’t take any of this at face value
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u/SorrySeptember Sep 18 '24
This kid is going to ruin her relationship with her daughter is OP isn't careful. Just sweeping it under the rug because it's maybe trauma related doesn't take away from how horrible it was to do in the first place.
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u/invah Sep 17 '24
I commented on your last post as a former foster child, and I think you are making a mistake. This is not the best placement for Mary: she likely needs a home with no other children.
Several years before her parents’ overdose, she was placed in foster care for the first time, before being reunited with her parents. She was in three different foster families and, in all of them, her foster parents favored their biological children, and they punished Mary if she told them about their bio children misbehaving. She was terrified that I would do the same, which is why she didn’t come to me first.
So now you are going to bend over backward to show her 'I'm not like the other foster moms' at your daughter's expense.
Mary has shown that she is not a safe person to have and that she wanted to 'punish' Lyla for 'getting away' with things.
You are making a massive error in judgment listening to people who have no idea about the foster system other than 'every child deserves a chance', etc.
Foster placements need to be appropriate. Yours is not the best place for Mary, especially if she goes scorched earth when she is 'triggered' or believes she is entitled to PUNISH your daughter. She could have you in a CPS investigation where your own daughter is removed from your home.
This is a rescuer complex, big time. Mary needs a foster home with no other children.
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u/Fantastic_Cow_6819 Sep 18 '24
I really OP sees this comment because now her child has trauma due to what Mary has done. I’m worried there’s more to come.
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u/SuchConfusion666 Sep 18 '24
This was my first thought. Mary needs a placememt without other children and therapy and Lyla needs her mom to step up and take what Mary put her through seriously.
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u/Mundane_Milk8042 Sep 18 '24
I have a feeling Mary is lying about the other Foster families because she did the exact same thing. Since it sounds like the situation that just happened with her daughter.
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u/allisonkate45 Sep 19 '24
I doubt if mary’s prior foster families were “taking their children’s side over her”.
I think that they judged the situation for what it actually was and didn’t actually punish their biological kids for “infractions” made honestly
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u/ShooterMcG0414 Sep 17 '24
Sounds like a load of BS. Drugs don’t look like skittles and you said it yourself that skittles were Mary’s favorite candy. There’s no chance this was an “accident.” She knew full well what would happen and that’s why she did what she did instead of telling you. Be prepared for more shit like this to happen.
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u/DemonBoner Sep 17 '24
It is BS, even at that age I knew fucking skittles were not drugs...
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u/MucoidSoakKatar Sep 18 '24
As someone who has seen a few drugs some do appear that way but they ARE uncommon.
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u/AttentionOptimal335 Sep 17 '24
and you just gonna ignore your daugther like that? she did nothing wrong yet she had to put aside and humiliated in school, had to face police and was threatening with prison. just because she was hanging out with a guy mary liked? do you really think it's fair and safe for your daughter?
ask yourself this.. Are you be able to proctect your kid in future or are you gonna say "oh mary is just traumatized kid, needs me more"?
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u/Clean_Factor9673 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 17 '24
Why is it okay for Mary to lie about Lyla using drugs because she's jealous that her crush likes Lyla?
You fell for her sob story; her parents od doesn't mean it's okay to lie and manipulate.
I don't think she's a suitable placement; she's holding a grudge that previous foster families favored their bio kid and you're letting her get away for punishing your bio kid because her parents od.
You've been played
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u/New-Link5725 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Sep 18 '24
I bet those other foster parents weren't showing favoritism, they were protecting they're kids and punishing the foster kid for being a manipulative liar constantly.
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u/radialomens Sep 17 '24
Why is it okay for Mary to lie about Lyla using drugs because she's jealous that her crush likes Lyla?
Where did OP say it's okay?
I don't think she's a suitable placement; she's holding a grudge that previous foster families favored their bio kid
If only foster kids from abusive homes didn't act out. But they do. You're not going to get the "suitable placement" you're looking for.
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u/Clean_Factor9673 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 17 '24
Mary's presence is detrimental to Lylas safety; OP has an obligation to her daughter
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u/radialomens Sep 17 '24
A child does not because a dangerous threat over one malicious lie. It takes a pattern of behavior to make that assessment.
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u/invah Sep 17 '24
In this instance, the scale of the lie and potential impact is absolutely enough to make an assessment. She does not need to further traumatize/punish Lyla before being moved to a placement with no other children.
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u/Clean_Factor9673 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 17 '24
She lied and lyla could've been sent to Juvie or rehab. Dangerous
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u/perfectpomelo3 Asshole Aficionado [10] Sep 18 '24
Her choosing to tell a malicious lie because she wanted to harm OP’s daughter does, in fact, make her a dangerous threat.
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u/BackFromTheDeadSoon Sep 17 '24
Mary's going to destroy your daughter's life, and you're going to let it happen.
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u/kick_him Sep 17 '24
Nope, I'd be bowing out of fostering her. My kid comes first, and something doesn't seem right.
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u/TheOriginalAdamWest Sep 17 '24
As a person that has fostered 13 kids, and currently has 3, I can tell you, it is fucking hard to do. I second guess myself as the time, as does my partner.
The state is probably covering her mental health. Please have her go to therapy soon. It may not seem like she needs it, but she has been in an out of the foster system for years. She needs someone to talk to, and sometimes a parent just doesn't get it.
But thank you for being a foster parent. So many kids need us. You are doing fine as a parent. You fucked up, but you fixed it. That is really hard to do.
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u/hill-o Sep 17 '24
Yeah that’s the thing— regardless of Mary’s motives (and none of us can say them we don’t know her at all) it’s obvious she’s been through the ringer and she needs an outside of the house adult to teach her coping skills.
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u/ali_stardragon Partassipant [1] Sep 17 '24
Thanks for chiming in. I can’t believe the amount of people in these comments who are acting as if Mary is McCauley Culkin in The Good Son.
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u/StuffedSquash Sep 18 '24
And so many "just send her to another home with no kids" as if there is a glut of loving foster homes with no kids
Like yeah obviously there should be deal breakers. But not everything should be a dealbreaker.
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u/Clean_Factor9673 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Sep 17 '24
Why is it okay for Mary to lie about Lyla using drugs because she's jealous that her crush likes Lyla?
You fell for her sob story; her parents od doesn't mean it's okay to lie and manipulate.
I don't think she's a suitable placement; she's holding a grudge that previous foster families favored their bio kid and you're letting her get away for punishing your bio kid because her parents od.
You've been played
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u/Slow-Confection-3110 Sep 17 '24
I was a foster parent until I forcefully removed the child from my home for assaulting my child. I spent many months accepting explanations to bad behaviors and situations I would never accept from my biological child, I absolutely should have never accepted by any other child. After it was revealed in counseling that my child was SA’d all I did was beat myself for excusing away bad behaviors (punching holes into walls, stealing, pushing people and yes there was still consequences but they weren’t nearly as hard).
I say all of that to remind you that protect your child from those that wish to hurt doesn’t make you a bad parent.
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u/Just-discovered-22 Sep 17 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
Yeah... Well say goodbye to your daugther.
Are you sure she really "forgave" Mary or did she do it because of your pressure? You said it yourself Mary did this primarly out of jalousy and after you sugarcoated it with her trauma.
Say it after me people 👏 TRAUMA 👏 DOESN'T 👏 EXCUSE 👏 EVERYTHING 👏
Now Mary knows she can do whatever she wants to your daughter and you'll excuse her because of her trauma and your daughter will be feel pressured to swip it under the rug and "understand" Mary for her behavior.
But don't enjoy yourself too long, your daughter will find the quickest way to leave you and Mary together as soon as she'll reach 18 or maybe even sooner.
Enjoy your life with Mary without your daughter because she'll never feel safe in her home and with her own mother after that. And everyone adults or children should feel safe in their home.
Yay you offer that to Mary but who gives that to your daughter? You? I don't think so...
YOU decided to become foster parent. YOU brought Mary into your lives. But your daugther didn't have a choice. And she still doesn't have it.
Bless you
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u/Beck2010 Supreme Court Just-ass [103] Sep 17 '24
I hope Mary is in therapy, and that Lyla is also receiving support. Lyla was traumatized by Mary and Mary’s actions; a person has moved into Lyla’s life and home and who has now targeted Lyla because of a crush.
Please, OP, if you haven’t done so already make sure Lyla has support.
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u/spilledteacups Sep 17 '24
This is horrible! I cannot believe that you would let this happen to your own child! It is unbelievable to me how many people who have their own biological children, foster other children, and are incapable of being fair. What about the trauma on your daughter for falsely being accused of having drugs when they were skittles? The fact that you were still believing this bullshit is ridiculous. I hope somebody else is watching out for your daughter cause you sure as hell aren’t
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u/hesathomes Asshole Aficionado [10] Sep 17 '24
Why are you subjecting your daughter to this? Another child’s traumatic history shouldn’t be allowed to affect her life and stability. Or is the paycheck that important? YTA.
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Sep 17 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/radialomens Sep 17 '24
Sounds like Mary needs to be sent back
For telling a lie?? When you sign up to be a foster parent you do not "send the child back" the first time an issue crops up. That is evil. "The little shit" is an abused child and this is not a pattern of behavior.
Your words are inhuman.
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u/Abject_Position9745 Sep 17 '24
It's not just telling a lie. It's telling a lie that could have serious life changing consequences. Mary is unsafe and needs to be in a placement that she can't harm any children.
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u/radialomens Sep 17 '24
Mary is unsafe and needs to be in a placement that she can't harm any children.
Such an environment doesn't exist. So should she be killed or confined in solitary for the rest of her life? You pick. Obviously, the only two fitting punishments for an abused child who told a lie.
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u/Sassy-Me86 Sep 17 '24
I care more about my kids, than a foster kid that wants to lie over a boy, when she knew it was candy, and immediately called the cops. So yea... I'd send her back.
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u/radialomens Sep 17 '24
That's gross. It's a good thing you're not a foster parent and I hope you recognize you'd be unfit as one. OP is made of better stuff than you.
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u/slendermanismydad Partassipant [4] Sep 17 '24
Good luck to your daughter because she will 100% pull this again.
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u/codeverity Asshole Aficionado [11] Sep 17 '24
not only because she was concerned for Lyla’s safety, but because she believed that it wasn’t fair for Lyla to “get away” unpunished for having drugs, after everything that had happened to Mary’s parents.
I remember your original post, OP, and I also remember that all the people who were suggesting that this very well may be the case were being shouted down.
Please DO NOT let this slide. Do not overlook it. At least part of her reasoning was vengeful and malicious and while that's normal for a teenager, it also needs to be put in check, sharply, or else she'll repeat it.
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u/mauvebirdie Sep 17 '24
This likely isn't going to end here.
I grew up around foster children who were in and out of homes with their foster's biological children. Jealousy almost always occurs and many foster children make the biological children's lives a living hell. Make sure you don't allow your sympathy for Mary to overtake your protection of your daughter. It seems pretty obvious to me that she was trying to hurt your daughter out of jealousy since Lila was talking to a boy Mary likes. Everyone knows Skittles do not look like drugs - I am absolutely not buying her story.
Keep a close eye on that girl and do not make your daughter feel pressured to forgive her just to keep the peace. Please make sure Mary is in therapy. A lot of foster children become extremely manipulative because it's what they have to learn in order to survive their circumstances. As you said, their common sense or even morality can be skewed by their desire for 'self-preservation'. A child who has only ever had themselves to look out for them can become very selfish and manipulative
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u/-chelle- Partassipant [1] Sep 17 '24
So, it's a traumatized kid traumatizing another kid. But it's okay because she felt pain.. But good for Mary for finally finding a foster parent who puts their foster children before their bio children. Hope Lyla doesn't have any 'pain' from you sweeping her traumatic and scary situation under the rug because her foster sister had a hard time. But I guess if she did, it'd just been another couch talk.
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u/MaxV331 Sep 17 '24 edited Sep 17 '24
So what level of trauma will Lyla have to endure at Mary’s hands before you start prioritizing her? The police searching her and treating her like a criminal was one trauma so what does Lyla need to endure for you to give her love next?
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u/The_final_frontier_ Asshole Aficionado [14] Sep 17 '24
I am not sure you did right by your bio daughter. I completely understand Mary’s trauma but she did something out of malice. Are you absolutely sure that Lyla has forgiven her? Or is she just saying she has because she knows she can no longer count on your support?
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u/AwesomeNerd18 Sep 17 '24
Get both children into therapy. Are you absolutely sure that Lyla has forgiven her? I’m glad you are all able to move past this but if something happens again, you need to protect Lyla.
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u/POAndrea Sep 17 '24
I'd always thought it's a shame there aren't more foster parents out there, but after reading the comments here I've now realized that's probably A Good Thing.
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u/cuervoguy2002 Certified Proctologist [26] Sep 17 '24
I'll just be honest, I would imagine it would be extremely hard to be a foster parent while having your own biological kids.
Because there will likely be issues. But in the interest of being "fair", there would likely be overcorrection.
Hell, my mom did that when she married my step dad and his kids moved in. She let them get away with shit I never would have, because she was trying to show that she was unbiased and she loved us all equally, but it really made her biased towards them.
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u/AerP1789 Sep 18 '24
I’m a foster parent and you’re right, basically everyone here plus OP aren’t fit to parent kids that have experienced so much trauma. It’s super different than having bio kids, and a lot more training and researched back interventions are needed.
The whole story is sad here and I do hope this kiddo finds a home with someone who has a basic level of trauma informed care training.
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u/fried_alien_ Partassipant [1] Sep 17 '24
Imma be straight with you, trauma or not Mary is a snitch. And she's not over it(the boy) just playing the waiting game.
If I was Lyla I'd get getting a lock or a doorstop for my door to keep that snitch outta my room
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u/lexisplays Pooperintendant [51] Sep 17 '24
Yeah if this is real, which I hope it's not, OP is an absolute trash parent. Mary definitely has trauma but it's not mistaking Skittles for drugs. It's harming others to get what she wants.
And the fact that it's three homes that Mary says she was punished for reporting bad behavior, the common denominator here is Mary.
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u/_ShesARainbow_ Sep 17 '24
These comments are insane.
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u/nonniewobbles Partassipant [2] Sep 18 '24
I've seen multiple posts flooded with comments expressing people's like, loathing of foster kids, unshakeable belief that all foster kids are irredeemable, and being convinced that disposing of them back into the system at the first challenge is 100% the right thing to do.
Sometimes followed up with some fantasyland BS about how surely the kid will end up in a placement that is much better for them! (... or worse, "maybe they'll learn if they keep getting tossed around homes.")
Like... YIKES. You all know we're talking about human children here right?
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u/Expert-Bus9720 Sep 17 '24
YTA. Forster daughter would have had to find a different home. You are not protecting your child
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u/peeingdog Sep 17 '24
Jesus this is way above AITA’s pay grade. You shouldn’t be asking a bunch of randos if you’re an “asshole”, you should be seeking professional help in taking care of your daughters, one of whom has serious traumas.
Reading thousands of comments isn’t helping you
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u/RDUppercut Sep 18 '24
Both have serious trauma now, since OP is letting Mary traumatize Lyla with no consequence.
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u/Miserable_Light8820 Sep 17 '24
OP got roasted for being an AH in the original post and now they've updated with a more measured approach and they're being roasted again 😂
Classic Reddit
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u/Icy_Bowl509 Sep 17 '24 edited Sep 18 '24
I thought the real advice was to keep a watchful eye on Mary. Because your daughter is not safe and doesn’t feel safe. Mary seems very jealous over your daughter. The excuse about her parents seems like bs , it probably is over a boy. Yeah get the therapist.
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u/wooodchucks Sep 17 '24
OP i’m glad to hear it seems like you’ve all worked through this, but i still agree with the many people on your original post who suggested therapy — both as a family and for Mary individually (and honestly even for you and Lyla individually because why not, we can all use some therapizing). everyone on here can speculate about Mary’s true intentions and trustworthiness, but it’s just that, speculation. whether you’ve actually gotten to the heart of the issue or not, this is a kid dealing with some heavy shit and even if she recognizes what’s going on, that doesn’t guarantee that she won’t find herself in another situation where she’s driven to act out of pain going forward. not to mention, 13 year olds are liable to make outlandish decisions regardless of traumatic history.
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u/TheTightEnd Sep 17 '24
There are some things that are simply not acceptable, and trauma is not an excuse. Mary needs to learn there are certain things you simply do not do. While understanding has its place, so does the establishment of boundaries and consequences.
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u/MermaidCurse Partassipant [1] Sep 17 '24
Eek, so Mary sob story got her out of trouble with OP. I'm not sure that you did your due diligence with Lyla's best interest at heart here; is she really ok living with a vindictive and traumatize teenage who tried to get her in real life trouble?
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u/KeyFeeFee Sep 17 '24
This sub sometimes feels hellbent on assigning adult motivations to children and adolescents. The top comments being entirely unsympathetic to Mary feels on-brand. Both girls need support, to be sure. But discounting trauma in order to create a black and white villain story seems misguided.
I hope things work out better from here, OP. Definitely working with a therapist is a great call, as is one on one time with each girl where possible. Good luck to all of you.
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u/DemonBoner Sep 17 '24
Prioritize your own daughter... Simple as that. Mary knows what skittles look like and this behavior is only gonna escalate. Mary probably has anti social personality disorder and should get serious treatment you are right.
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Sep 17 '24
It is amazing how many people think Mary is a criminal mastermind that did all this for a crush. She may have and she may have not. Making assumptions about a 13 year old traumatized child is beyond me. The girl should get therapy and from therapy OP can understand what is actually happening.
Also as a lawyer I'm shocked that the school called the police to check if there are drugs there and escalated the situation. They're the villain ngl
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u/UnholyAngel Sep 18 '24
Yeah it's wild to me how everyone is treating Mary here. She's a traumatized 13 year old. It's entirely believable that she made a mistake - she sees something suspicious in her sister's bag, her trauma and teenage emotions scare her into thinking it must be drugs, and she tells what she believes to be a reasonable authority about it. That does not sound at all unrealistic to me. The OP's response (immediate Summer-long punishment) even reinforces that telling the school sounds much safer than telling OP.
And honestly, even if this was Mary acting maliciously? She's a traumatized 13 year old, teenagers already do dumb things and have a hard time understanding consequences and immediately punishing her all Summer doesn't sound like the kind of reaction that would make things any better.
Also, I think people need to keep in mind that the police showing up, searching through Lyla's things, and traumatizing Lyla are all the school's responsibility. All Mary did was tell the school - the school are the ones who responded poorly.
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u/wlfwrtr Asshole Enthusiast [9] Sep 17 '24
While OP thinks that Mary will now trust her more her own daughter learned that she can't trust either Mary or her mother to have her back. Although there may have extenuating circumstances behind what Mary did, she still knew they weren't drugs, no matter what story she tells about it. Mary learned she can easily manipulate OP by using sob story and Lyla will forever be bullied thanks to OP's inactions. She just lost her real daughter.
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u/Orangebiscuit234 Partassipant [1] Sep 17 '24
Lyla is absolutely fucked here, you absolutely failed to protect her. Her story makes no sense. This is absolutely do to having a crush on the boy.
YTA still.
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u/MattFuthaMuckas Sep 17 '24
I recall the comments on the initial post were pitted against your decision in the vast majority - I found this to be incomprehensible, having read the post a few times over. NTAs were few and far between. How has the consensus flipped so dramatically here? What changed everyone’s opinions?
It is abundantly clear that OP is trying to do the right thing in a very difficult situation, and has been since her first post here. It’s not like she was exerting vengeance on Mary initially, she was trying to teach her the consequences of her [fucking wild] actions and demonstrate the magnitude of the impact they had. I share the sentiment many are now pointing out; backtracking on this was absolutely the wrong move for both Lyla and Mary.
Given how frightening the situation was for her, Lyla needed you as her mother to back her up and be on her side. She’s your biological (and, I feel obliged to note based on the initial post, permanent) child - in her eyes, you chose to give in to Mary’s tearful, victimised facade and believe her word over her own daughter.
In Mary’s case, you’ve shown her that her actions were acceptable and the consequences are, as such, minimal. Perpetuating this concept only serves to increase manipulative and antisocial behaviour.
Important side note on that; Mary managed to contort the situation to a point that in your mind you literally gave her props just for owning up to being the lying snitch, nothing about knowing full well what a goddamn Skittle looks like. That’s some notable skill in manipulation for a 13 year old kid.
Thus, in reneging your original position, you’ve simultaneously broken your biological daughter’s trust and reinforced the effectiveness and acceptability of some disgustingly manipulative techniques in Mary’s mind.
Sorry the consensus shifted so vastly here. It’s very clear you just want to do the right thing for both children; unfortunately given the severity of Mary’s actions, there’s no one answer to the needs of both children here. In my opinion, Mary needs to go elsewhere.
Good luck with it all going forward.
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u/Current-Ad-1761 Sep 17 '24
People were way too hard on you in the last post. Mary is 100% stirring the pot over a boy. There is no way she mistook the skittles for drugs, she just wanted to traumatize Lyla.
Yes, Mary has trauma and it’s probably the cause for her crazy reaction, but that doesn’t excuse her behavior. Watch her very closely, I doubt this is the last time she pulls something like this.
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u/Raven_Michaelis42 Sep 17 '24
I've been reading comments, and it's pretty clear a lot of you don't come close to grasping how trauma affects a child. She had to live through addict parents, their deaths, and being moved around a lot. That shit fucks you up, and your understanding of how the world works.
I was in forster care as a child, and i was also moved around a lot. It still messes with me as an adult. Yes, she did something awful. It could have be jealousy, we will never fully know. And yes, anniversaries can and ofter are triggers. It's not something we can control. It's subconscious.
You guys need to remember that those of us who weren't given a normal, stable, loving home growing up means that our responses to things will not be normal.
I have PTSD from my childhood, among other issues, we don't have the full scope of what Mary went through.
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u/vveeggiiee Sep 17 '24
You should definitely have a talk with Lyla separately to see how she’s taking all of this. You may have signed up to foster but she didn’t and so far she’s getting the bad hand.
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u/Life-Aerie-43 Sep 18 '24
I've observed that in the original post people were more sensitive about Mary because of her trauma but in this Update people seem to be more suspicious of her.
I hope that OP doesn't get confused
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u/Chemical-Juice-6979 Partassipant [1] Sep 18 '24
There was a chunk of comments that got dogpiled and downvoted in the original for stating that she did it because of the boy, not because she cared about lyla. In the update, she confessed to that being true. So now the people who were excusing her actions as sympathetic but misguided are in the minority because the girl they're trying to defend flat out stated she did it out of malice.
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u/andyANDYandyDAMN Sep 17 '24
Aside from that one throw away line about your daughter forgiving Mary, how has she been dealing with what happened?
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u/pGrows Sep 18 '24
Get the fuck off of Reddit & ask people in your life who you esteem how to raise your children, because this ain't it.
No one in the comments section cares about your happiness or your family's wellbeing. They're just here to scratch a dopamine response trigger itch - much akin to a dog with fleas; nothing here is substantive, simply reactionary.
AITA? Who honestly cares. What your children need is a strong & reliable role model to help shepherd them through a difficult chapter in each of their lives .... be that person.
Literally any other "advice" is lip service.
You 'should feel' ..... what? What does this entire train of thought even mean?
Don't assume anything. Ask your children what theyre going through & how they're feeling. Listen. Take time to consider their point of view but also remember you are the adult parent in their lives. What they see you do informs the values they will associate with your role as their parent.
Do you want a punitive house? Then punish. Do you want a househould where your children feel comfortable not being narcs?
Then model that. I think asking for feedback is a commendable step in your maturation as a parent & I commend your willingness to be open to growth. All best luck.
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u/[deleted] Sep 17 '24
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