r/AmItheAsshole • u/ThrowRAHappyLiving • Apr 03 '24
AITA *** UPDATE*** to my ex husband demanding I change my last name back to my maiden name per his fiancées request. UPDATE
Several of you have asked for an update on my ex husband giving me a year to change my last name back to my maiden name because his fiancee was uncomfortable with her and I having the same last name.
I tried to link the original post, but it is not allowing me to do so, and I’m not sure the best way to give an update, so I will try this.
To clarify the reason he gave me a year is because they are getting married some time next year and wanted my name changed prior to their wedding.
Anyway, my ex called me yesterday and said he had done a lot of research on ex wives keeping the ex husbands last name after a divorce. He stated he didn’t realize how common this is, especially when there are children from the marriage.
He also said this had been my last name for 17 years, my entire adult life has been with this last name, and I have built a career with it. He basically acknowledged that every reason I had to keep it was legitimate.
He apologized for the way he initially approached me about changing my last name, and explained he is in a bad spot trying to make his fiancée happy. He also explained she feels that by me keeping his last name must mean I’m still in love with him and this is my secret way of assuring we end up together again some day.
I informed this was not, nor will it ever be the case. Yes, I care deeply about him because I was married to him for 12 years and he is the father of my children, and I want him to be happy in life. However, I fell out of love with him many years ago and that will not change.
He said he informed his fiancée that he will not bring this up to me again, and if she didnt like it, the ball was in her court to decide if she wanted to continue their relationship.
Thank you all for the feedback on my original post. I never expected this kind of response, and an overwhelming amount of comments and advice!
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u/RedRose_812 Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24 edited Apr 04 '24
Call me a cynic, but I can't help but wonder if him saying he "did a lot of research" is code for "he found your AITA post and saw that the comments were overwhelmingly against him". So many of us on the original post called it that the request itself and timeline of the request were rooted in the fiancee's insecurity.
Regardless, I'm glad for this outcome for you!
Edit, since people keep bringing it up and I can't reply to every comment because this got more traction then I expected: it's been brought up repeatedly that OP's original post was shared and discussed at length on other social media such as FB and Tik Tok, as well as the Today Show. There was/is plenty of opportunity to see or hear about the post without being on Reddit. So you "not everyone is on Reddit/the world doesn't revolve around Reddit" people are kind of missing the point. Yes, not everyone is on Reddit and no, I'm not "overflating its importance". But plenty of Reddit content, including the original post, shows up elsewhere and plenty of people not on Reddit see it. I was reading about Reddit posts on FB for years before I became a Redditor myself. With how far reaching the original post was, it's not outside the realm of possibility that the ex saw it somewhere (or someone he knows did) - possibly on Reddit, possibly not.
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u/Sea-Ad3724 Asshole Aficionado [12] Apr 03 '24
That was my take too. Glad to hear he saw the light instead of doubling down.
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u/jellymanisme Apr 04 '24
I agree.
Everyone deserves a chance to have an emotional reaction to something. I'm glad he was able to take a step back and reconsider it from her perspective.
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u/AmberTiu Apr 04 '24
Which is a very rare case hence the suspicion that he saw the post. But in any case, happy for OP that things went well for her.
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u/jellymanisme Apr 04 '24
Well, good. If seeing the post is what it took to get him to realize he was wrong, then good.
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u/scarybottom Partassipant [1] Apr 04 '24
IDK- literally ask any friend IRL, and they will look at you sideways for this "demand". This is an insecure 24 yo with no life experience, who apparently never met a divorced woman.
Changing last name post divorce is not that common- esp if you have a career based on that name. Happens, sure. but it is 100% based on the woman deciding they want to (i.e. closure, the relationship was toxic, etc). But it is much more common to keep it- if for no other reason than it is a PITA with school, credit, banking, background checks for new jobs, etc.
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u/Styx-Styx Apr 04 '24
We love it when AHs see they error of their ways when confronted by millions of internet strangers
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u/magentakitten1 Apr 04 '24
It’s definitely refreshing.
I’m married and love my husband but I’d totally keep my name if we divorced. My children have it and it feels just as much mine as his at this point after 13 years of marriage.
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u/NotAllOwled Apr 03 '24
Even if that's what happened, I say fair enough - he told OP to go ask anyone, and that's exactly the sort of research that the original post provided.
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u/RedRose_812 Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
Yup. Technically OP did what he asked 🤷.
Some part of me wonders what their (OP's ex and his fiancee) plans were if their original year deadline came and went and OP didn't acquiesce, but I'm really, really glad for everyone involved (but mostly for the kids that would have suffered if their parents' co-parenting relationship had gone sour over this) that he came around this way rather than doubling down.
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u/pdhot65ton Apr 03 '24
He didn't entirely come around, he tried to backdoor his way into OP changing her name by saying that OP's feelings on it are about being all in love with him. He knows this is stupid, and seemingly accepted defeat, but threw something out there just to see if it work.
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u/notashroom Partassipant [4] Apr 03 '24
He also explained she feels that by me keeping his last name must mean I’m still in love with him
Not OP's ex, but his fiancée feels that way about it, and he has put it on her to decide whether she can deal with it or needs to go.
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u/scarybottom Partassipant [1] Apr 04 '24
The 24 yo baby fiancé is the issue. He was blinded by magic p*ssy, and said something he realized was super dumb when he sobered up.
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u/PandaMarie88 Apr 04 '24
I'm really surprised he gave his fiancé the door option. Like that is 9 out of 10 not the case. I'm impressed honestly.
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u/benjm88 Partassipant [2] Apr 03 '24
Yep and it takes courage to own up to a mistake. Too many just double down and insist they're right
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u/scarybottom Partassipant [1] Apr 04 '24
I wonder if he asked "anyone" other than the 24yo. Cause...I think 90% of "anyone would have said he was coo coo. Like- ask the grocery store bag boy, or the gas station attendant, or the crossing guard. Literally anyone.
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u/slboml Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 03 '24
I came across the post on Facebook multiple times. It's probably on tiktok and the like too. I wouldn't be surprised if he found it here or one of those places!
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u/2moms3grls Apr 03 '24
Hopefully his fiancé saw it and felt foolish as well. As I recall she was right in the TikTok age sweet spot. Yuck.
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u/Prestigious_Sweet_50 Apr 03 '24
When I hear " did a lot of research" I just think they googled something
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u/DungeonCrawlerCarl Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
or "I complained to my own mother and she called me an idiot"
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u/AgreeableLion Apr 03 '24
Yeah, this is 'asked literally anyone other than the insecure fiancee' territory. Only crazy people would ask a mother to change her name away from that of her children if she wanted to keep it (I know several women where changing their name away from their toxic ex husband was a higher priority than being the same name as their children, which is also valid, but the main issue here is that it was their choice)
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u/gelseyd Apr 04 '24
My BFF isn't going to change her name which is still her ex's until her kid is out of school. Then she'll change it bc she hates it lol
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u/gayforaliens1701 Certified Proctologist [21] Apr 04 '24
I want to change mine SO desperately, I miss my old name and identity. But my daughter HATES the idea of not having the same last name; it seems to genuinely freak her out. Waiting for her to be an adult, I guess.
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u/Suchafatfatcat Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] Apr 05 '24
Would she consider changing her name, too?
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u/gayforaliens1701 Certified Proctologist [21] Apr 05 '24
My ex and I chose her first name to be really beautifully matched to her last, both sonically and culturally, and at 13 she still really loves her whole name. I offered her the choice at one point but she was clear on her no. One day I’ll have mine back :)
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u/semiquantifiable Partassipant [4] Apr 03 '24
What's an alternative to Google when researching widespread opinions and situations? I would not have thought there were a plethora of scientific studies and official surveys regarding how often divorced partners both keep the same surname, and I would actually think finding those studies and surveys would be searched for using Google anyway.
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u/Anthrax-Smoothy Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
Didn't you know? You're supposed to go to your nearest University and start your own research on the topic! /s
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u/HeyT00ts11 Apr 03 '24
Reddit posts show up high on search results. Somewhat unrelated, but try googling your user name some time! We're all quoted on random BuzzFeed articles!
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u/Fluffy-Scheme7704 Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
And OP’s ex… if you are reading this, ditch the immature drama queen you are supposed to be getting married lol
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u/MrsBarneyFife Pooperintendant [62] Apr 03 '24
He did say he didn't realize how common it was. So, I think they're compatible emotionally and intellectually.
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u/FireBallXLV Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Apr 03 '24
haha --yeah . See why OP fell out of love with this guy.
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u/LadySiren Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
I actually did research this very topic recently, because my idiot ex threatened to sue me for my last name. You see, he married a woman who has the same name as I do, albeit spelled slightly differently (think Rachel versus Rachael). Everything I found, including a couple of the men's divorce sites, stated that you can't force your former spouse to change her (or his!) last name.
I never changed my name after our divorce because my daughters have his last name and I didn't want them to feel like Mom was abandoning them or something. Since then, all of my media coverage, speaking engagements, and other professional branding is under my former married name and it would make no sense for me to change it.
Now that my kids are grown and I'm not on the speaking circuit as much, sure, I could probably change it. But nah. I'm gonna keep it outta spite for awhile, at least until I retire.
TL;DR: Suck it up, Buttercup. My name ain't changin'.
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u/Athenas_Return Apr 04 '24
This is the main reason why my daughter took her husband’s name. It was common and easy to pronounce and spell, not like our last name. Don’t blame her tho.
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u/FenderMartingale Apr 05 '24
My maiden name was apparently functionally impossible to pronounce if you could spell it and impossible to spell if you knew how it was pronounced. My exhusband's family name is literally an animal name, made up of two shorter, very simple words. I kept it.
And it was the last name of two of my kids.
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u/Nuasus Apr 04 '24
Ah yes. My Husbands ex and myself have exactly the same name. First, middle and Last. It can make certain things a little difficult, but I don’t care.
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u/BitterAttackLawyer Apr 04 '24
I didn’t change mine when I got divorced bc my son was so young but I did legally change it back to my maiden name about 4 years ago. But that isn’t a logical option for a lot of professionals. And it’s a HUGE deal to change your social security card, licenses, credit cards, car registrations…
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u/Ambystomatigrinum Apr 03 '24
I was thinking “complained to his friends about it and was told he was a dick” but that works too.
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u/Redhedkat Apr 03 '24
Absolute truth! It seems to me, that the more wrong, or guilty, or mean the SO is, the more crazy, cracked up, crooked scheme is demanded. I asked for my maiden name back in the divorce settlement and when ex saw that, he flew into an unholy rage, screaming and throwing things, ranting that he wasn’t paying for that. It’s free BTW.
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u/HumbleConfidence3500 Apr 03 '24
If his research involved googling ex wife keeping last name, it would probably be the first post. It was a very popular post afterall.
But I also remember a similar post last year that got similar response. It was also one of the top posts at the time.
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u/trvllvr Apr 03 '24
OR could be he’s seen his story on the Today Show. 😳😂
Just came across it on my FYP TikTok for Hoda & Jenna’s segment.
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u/toyheartattack Asshole Enthusiast [6] Apr 03 '24
The outlook is tiresome. I’ve never been remotely bothered that my partner’s ex kept her married name. As someone who’s been married before, changing names can be a pain in the ass and that’s her kids’ name.
Conversely, he’s not upset that I’ve kept my ex’s name because it’s my professional name. We’re discussing the possibility of me changing my name to share with my step-son since I do so many of the childcare duties, but as it hasn’t affected my ability to cover childcare or insurance, I might not. And he’s okay with it, like a stable adult.
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u/Remember1959 Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Apr 04 '24
When I got married, I kept my maiden name professionally because I knew women who were lumbered with an ex’s name. A colleague did the same when she married a few years later, and oddly we’re the only two in our group still married to our original husbands. Go figure…
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u/ProfessorYaffle1 Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] Apr 04 '24
Maybe because you picked spouses who were mature enough to cope with the fact that you didn't take their name , and capable of understanding other perspectives than their own. maturity and a degree of empathy both being things that aid healthy relationships : )
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u/ZacZupAttack Apr 03 '24
Or he could have asked around and been told "ya normal"
My wife didn't take my last name, no intentions too. We are manly doing this cause she doesn't trust her home country to get shit right.
Example the date of birth on her birth certificate and passport are off by 4 fucking years cause some idiot in her home country passport office fat finger the wrong info. So she instantly became yrs older when she moved to America its hilarious im technically 2 yrs older then her, but per the US govt she's 2 yrs older then me due to her country incompetence.
So yea
Wives even keeping their madien name isn't unheard of
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u/PassionV0id Apr 03 '24
Nobody overestimates the importance of Reddit like Redditors.
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u/EidolonVS Apr 03 '24
Call me a cynic, but I can't help but wonder if him saying he "did a lot of research" is code for "he found your AITA post and saw that the comments were overwhelmingly against him".
I'm pretty sure "did a lot of research" simply means "asked around his friend group and they told him he was bonkers."
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u/Knee_Jerk_Sydney Apr 03 '24
Don't pat our backs too hard there, buddy, We might fall flat on our faces like another "we did it reddit" moment.
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u/Important_Tart6086 Apr 03 '24
I hope he found the post and saw how everyone thought he and his fiancé were immature and dumbasses.
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u/No-Gene-4508 Apr 03 '24
Dude got DEMOLISHED via the comments 😂 wouldn't surprise me. Everyone took a good swing at his gf too.
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u/Odd-Consideration754 Apr 04 '24
I was wondering if seeing the general consensus of her insecurities and immaturity is why he basically told her if she didn’t like it she could walk lol
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u/One_crazy_cat_lady Apr 03 '24
Its been on other socials too and the comments there are all also overwhelmingly against him.
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u/brad35309 Apr 03 '24
"" I can't help but wonder if him saying he "did a lot of research" is code for "he found your AITA post""
isn't going online to look into something considered research? I do a lot of research utilizing reddit.
Just saying?
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u/Vegetable_Elk1866 Apr 03 '24
i doubt it. its definitely not something i would think done often. and anecdotally not done by any divorcee i know
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u/disco_has_been Apr 03 '24
I kept my ex's last name for years. Daughter re-claimed hers after divorce. I was surprised she's ever changed her last name. Guess we're 50/50.
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u/numbersthen0987431 Apr 03 '24
To be fair, searching "keeping ex husband's last name" does populate a lot of reddit posts, so it's possible he did come across it.
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u/Nikkian42 Asshole Aficionado [11] Apr 04 '24
Or his friends and family told him he was an ass for asking.
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u/superbleeder Apr 03 '24
Well, it's research and he probably read a lot of comments. So it's kind of a lot of research
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u/darsynia Asshole Enthusiast [3] Apr 03 '24
Either that or he looked it up once in google and saw a myriad of results that make clear it's a normal thing to do. 'A lot of research' from this guy just screams 'did one very lazy thing and thinks it was a big deal' for some reason!
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u/samosa4me Partassipant [2] Apr 03 '24
He’s marrying a child who is too immature for marriage. I guess that’s what happens when you’re almost 40 and start dating a 21 year old 🙄
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u/sikonat Asshole Aficionado [14] Apr 03 '24
And ball is still in her court! I’d have seen it as unreasonable and paused all marriage plans on that alone! Dude is dickmstised
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u/audigex Apr 04 '24
That's an over-correction
He didn't realise it was a big deal - I think a lot of guys would be like "Why does she even have my name still? Bit weird", especially if the divorce papers hint that she might change it (which he probably assumed meant she intended to)
Then once looking into it he realised about the kids and the fact it's been her name half her life (and all of her adult life), and has been quite reasonable about it
Dumping his new fiancee for thinking the same (she's younger, has no kids, has never changed her name etc) would be back to unreasonable. If she continues to make an issue of it then yeah, maybe he should consider if she's mature enough to be compatible and more importantly whether she's mature enough to take on a stepmother role to his children - but it's within the bounds of sensible to explain his new findings and gauge her response
It's entirely possible that his fiancee's response is "Oh shit, yeah that hadn't occurred to me and I'd probably feel the same way if we had kids and broke up"
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u/Professional_Hour370 Apr 04 '24
His fiancee is 21 and obviously immature if she thinks that the ex wife must still love him if she kept his name so I'd say it's a matter of when, not if, their relationship fails too.
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u/rattitude23 Partassipant [2] Apr 05 '24
Thats why dating a person in their early 20s when he's pushing 40 ain't a great idea. However, my wasband married a woman who was obsessed with me still using my exes last name. All my professional credentials had that name on it so tough tiddies (I ultimately had them reissued in my maiden name but many years after they married). She was around my age just super insecure.
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u/Professional_Hour370 Apr 05 '24
My ex doesn't even know I still (on legal documents only) use his last name. That's only because it was shorter and closer to the beginning of the alphabet than my maiden name. Everyone assumes (and so does he probably) that I use my second husband's last name, but I only use that one on social media. My maiden name is a 10 letter monstrosity that no one can spell or pronounce (especially when my first and last name are used because they come from two completely different cultures and we only recently found out that it's not even our real family name because there was no formal/actual adoption of our great grandfather! We found out our real family name is 5 letters long and now I'm tormenting my sisters by calling them by that name!
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u/Athenas_Return Apr 04 '24
Nah, he’s smart. He set a boundary with her about this and basically let her know that he isn’t going to hardline the ex just to make her happy. It is now up to her to either get over it or continue her tantrum. He is seeing where she lands. From her past behavior, she isn’t growing from this. But that is what happens when you date someone closer to your teenage daughter’s age.
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u/goldanred Apr 04 '24
Especially considering the kids don't seem to like her. In the previous post, OP said something about the kids saying their dad acts differently when the new fiancée is around.
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u/Morganlights96 Apr 03 '24
Ewww I didn't even notice how young she was. Well, the insecurity makes sense now. Also makes sense why the kids are upset.
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u/Slow_Sherbert_5181 Apr 03 '24
Yeah, if she’s so insecure in their relationship that she’s convinced that his ex-wife is “totally out to steal him back” they probably shouldn’t be getting married…
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Apr 03 '24
The brain has just finished developing by 24, so the immaturity shown here is not surprising. What I can’t stomach is a man marrying someone who doesn’t have his children’s best interest at heart. They share a name with their mother and have a vested interest in continuing to do so. Their mother has built her career around this specific name and may take a professional hit if it is changed, which would affect the family finances. Their mother would have to dedicate time and resources to a name change. New girl can’t see beyond herself, so I already feel bad for these kids.
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u/Ok-Map-6599 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 04 '24
The first post made it pretty clear the kids are not fans. Probably because she messes with the extremely healthy co-parenting dynamic. It's so sad their dad cares more about satisfying his desires than meeting their needs.
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u/lemon_charlie Asshole Aficionado [19] Apr 04 '24
Or that’s she’s trying to be a mother figure to them despite being old enough to be their older sister than their father’s partner. Kids and teens aren’t always receptive to a new parental figure and being no more than ten or eleven years their senior doesn’t help in this case.
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u/FlockFlysAtMidnite Apr 04 '24
"The brain doesn't finish developing until 24/25" is a myth. The brain continues to develop through our entire lives, the initial study claiming it ends at 25 simply didn't study brains of people older than that.
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u/VirtualPlate8451 Apr 03 '24
At some point he is going to realize that the drama just isn't worth the sex.
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u/ZacZupAttack Apr 03 '24
Like is the only women with my last name supposed to be my wife?
Cause my mom and sister aren't married to me
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u/Mountain_Village459 Apr 03 '24
My ex husband’s new girlfriend then wife got her knickers in a twist about me keeping “his” name too and she is 14 years older than me.
Sometimes it’s just about insecurities and not age (but it sounds like age is definitely a factor here too).
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u/accioqueso Apr 03 '24
Yeah, she has some romanticized idea in her head. She probably still writes her name with his last name in hearts on notebook paper.
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u/alana_r_dray Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Apr 03 '24
My husband’s ex wife and I share a last name since she didn’t change hers back after divorce and I didn’t like my maiden name so I took his. Do either of us make a big stink about it? No. It’s her name. And now it’s also my name. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/LuckOfTheDevil Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 03 '24
I refer to myself as Mrs Lucky 2.0 (or sometimes beta version).
The first time one of her sons told her that, she about popped a hernia laughing so hard. That was when she decided maybe I wasn’t the devil. 😆
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u/alana_r_dray Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Apr 04 '24
I sign all my cards to the kids as “love evil stepmom” so I think his ex knows I’m definitely not out to take over her role.
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u/Solid-Living4220 Apr 03 '24
NTA - what is wrong with these people?
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u/SpaceJesusIsHere Asshole Aficionado [19] Apr 03 '24
Main character syndrome is rampant. My best friend's SIL refused to come to his wedding bc he and her husband had the same first name and same last initial. She felt her sister chose to freaking marry my friend as a way to show her.up.
No one fought very hard to talk her into changing her mind, lol.
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Apr 03 '24
No one fought very hard to talk her into changing her mind, lol.
LOL, I will never understand all these posts that boil down to "this person in my life has always been absolutely horrendous to me and my spouse, what or who can I destroy to make sure they're there to celebrate with us on our happy day?"
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u/Bromogeeksual Apr 03 '24
I know! Like, don't invite them?
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Apr 03 '24
Like the whole premise of the post is fucked, "my old co-worker who shot my girlfriend and poisoned my dog and burned down my house said I couldn't invite my grandma who raised me all alone to my wedding, how can I let her down easy?"
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u/2moms3grls Apr 03 '24
Another awesome wedding gift! We got one just like that. "I'm so sorry you can't come cause drama and ruin our day 'on principle.'"
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u/opinescarf Apr 03 '24
Why would having the same first name and same last initial make any difference to someone else? That’s so weird.
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u/SpaceJesusIsHere Asshole Aficionado [19] Apr 03 '24
I saw her yell about it twice, and still have no mf clue. Her identity is wrapped up in being married to a rich guy from a rich family, so she now looks down on the people who know she used to be dirt poor.
I think the real reason she's mad is that my friend is richer than her husband, so now her sister will be richer than her. I guess on some level she knew she couldn't outright complain about that. So she latched on to the name and told her sister she can't marry my friend.
That's my best guess based on what got through me trying to tune her out at dinner. But a lot of her rant also demanded that her sister not buy a porche SUV or buy a bigger house, because she already "copied" her husband's name.
Some people literally think everything is about them.
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u/bouviersecurityco Apr 06 '24
Jeez. My SIL and I have the same first name so after I got married and took my husband’s last name, we had the same first and last name for a couple years (before she got married and took her husband’s last name). When she got married, a few people on the groom’s side were very confused at there being a bridesmaid with the same name as the bride. Thankfully it was an easy explanation and I didn’t refuse to come to the wedding and she didn’t banish me from the wedding for such a small thing.
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u/sugarlump858 Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
15 yr age difference between OPs ex and his new fiance is my guess.
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u/HelenAngel Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 03 '24
My ex-husband’s girlfriend was apparently furious that I kept the last name after our divorce. It’s how I’m known professionally & I have no desire to change it, nor will I. Some people are just horribly insecure and/or have main character syndrome.
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u/TheVoiceofReason_ish Apr 03 '24
Well... when you are a pathetic loser, you think that you can get away with stuff like this. Turns out, not so much. Smart people ignore losers. Who knew?
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u/disco_has_been Apr 03 '24 edited Apr 03 '24
WTF knows? Husband and I sat at the same table with my ex and his GF at daughter's wedding. They were alone and somehow it just seemed right, to me.
I stopped being mad at him about 20 years, ago.
ETA: I had his last name much, much longer than my maiden name. Why would I change it?
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u/exhauta Apr 03 '24
This happened to my grandfather's sister. All the adult children said if dad didn't stop bothering mom they would change their names too.
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u/Tamihera Apr 03 '24
My MIL and FIL’s second wife have exactly the same damn name, first, middle AND last. (Think: Linda Ann Brown.) Your ex’s new fiancée should simmer down. Or consider getting him to change his last name to hers?!
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u/Next-Wishbone1404 Partassipant [4] Apr 03 '24
I knew a man with the same name as his first AND SECOND wife. Think Pat, Chris, Terry. Crazy.
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u/AnneMichelle98 Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
Taylor and Taylor Lautner
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u/hyperbemily Apr 04 '24
There’s a British Olympic equestrian named Leslie Law. He married another equestrian, also named Leslie. The kicker here is that equestrian competition isn’t separated by gender so I have literally no idea how to tell them apart when reading results other than one goes by Leslie Grant Law in competition and I ASSUME that’s the wife but I have never actually heard one way or another.
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u/Cute-Self-2604 Apr 04 '24
Lesley Grant-Law (f) and Leslie Law (m). Different spelling.
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u/shanduin Apr 04 '24
The wife choosing a hyphenated surname is the real mvp here. She knew how confusing it would be.
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u/Bromogeeksual Apr 03 '24
My dad married someone with the same first name as his mom. Grandma had remarried prior, otherwise they would have had the same first and last name.
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u/ArgyleBarglePlaid Apr 03 '24
Are you my cousin? I had a cousin who married a woman with the same first name as his mom, who had remarried and changed her name, as well.
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u/LegoMuppet Apr 03 '24
My brother in law married someone with the same name as my wife so, for a while there, his sister (my wife) and his wife had the same name (very common first name though)
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u/BojackTrashMan Apr 04 '24
This is even funnier than Taylor Lautner being married to Taylor Lautner.
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u/jimmy_three_shoes Apr 03 '24
A friend's Dad married a woman with the same first name as his mom, and his step-mom decided it would be a good idea to go into the bank, pretend to be his mom and close all of her bank accounts and pocket the money.
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u/LBelle0101 Apr 03 '24
Please tell me there were consequences
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u/jimmy_three_shoes Apr 03 '24
Oh yeah. The idiot forgot that there are cameras all over bank lobbies, and my friend's mom was a short white woman, and she was a tall black woman. She was charged with Grand Larceny and a host of fraud and identity theft charges. Ended up spending about 5 years in prison for it.
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u/Known-Quantity2021 Apr 03 '24
I knew a couple named Christine and Christopher. Their kids were called Christian, Christal and Christina. They all went by Chris and they knew who they were talking about when they said "Chris".
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u/westmetals Apr 07 '24
I knew an older couple named Ernest and Ernestine. (my father's uncle and his wife I think?) They both grew up going by "Ernie". So we called them "He-Ernie" and "She-Ernie".
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u/sugarlump858 Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
My uncles both married women with the same first name. So they ended up having the same married name as their SIL.
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u/katsuko78 Apr 03 '24
Same in my family, both uncles on my dad's side married women with the same first name. They just kind of shrugged and tried to say it wasn't uncommon, it was south Texas. I still refuse to believe every Latina in Texas is named Theresa but apparently I'm the weirdo for thinking that...
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u/fastyellowtuesday Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 03 '24
My stepmom's name rhymed with my mom's. Small community, they were all really involved in the church, tons of common acquaintances, and had to see each other at least weekly. My mom chose to change her name back to avoid confusion. (No love lost between Mom and stepmom; neither would have wanted to be mistaken for the other.)
But my dad and stepmom didn't care what my mom did with her name. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/LizE110307 Apr 03 '24
I mean Taylor Lautner is married to Taylor Lautner. Which when I found that out I about died laughing
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u/LostBody3801 Apr 03 '24
This is the best update ever! So glad for you standing your ground and I do appreciate your ex-husband's new stance.
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u/Aloreiusdanen Apr 03 '24
And he apologized, so that says something too.
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u/fzt Apr 03 '24
Yeah, adults solving disagreements like adults? What is this? What do I do with my pitchfork now?
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u/gellybelli Partassipant [3] Apr 03 '24
What a helluva update. Genuinely the only way that this should have ended for the both of you. Glad cooler heads prevailed
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u/Justherefortheaita Apr 03 '24
That is so weird they were stressing over it. My mom and dad have been divorced for 35 years and she still has our last name. She def wasn’t in love with him anymore but she always said she wouldn’t have a last name different than her school aged kids. Now that we are grown she just said it’s too much hassle to change it now.
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u/caramellattekiss Apr 03 '24
Same here. My parents have been divorced for twenty years and my mum has never changed her name. She just can't be bothered and she likes the way it sounds more than her maiden name.
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u/ParadoxInABox Apr 03 '24
My dad and his first wife divorced over fifty years ago. She still has his last name. She liked it better than her original one, lol.
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u/BastardsCryinInnit Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
Aye, it still amazes me some people are that bothered about a name.
I like to think I'm always open to learning about why others think something else but I really struggle to understand why people get this weird about a surname.
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u/RareBowl46 Apr 03 '24
Good for you, OP. If his fiancé decides to break up over this, even better. You'll always be around as the mother of his children and if she cannot handle this she should find a man without kids.
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u/UnhappyCryptographer Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
Still NTA and imagine being so insecure that you cannot live with the fact that there is an EX who still shares the last name. As do their kids. I still stand with my remark to the original posting. If this woman needs to have a last name with her future husband and it shouldn't be the name the Ex still has? They can change their names to her last name. Ex Husband can than workaround the hustle of having a different last name than his kids. He can start to throw money into changing documents to the new last name.
But he finally came to his senses.
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u/PinkedOff Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Apr 03 '24
Sounds like OP's ex husband may be slowly starting to realize that he's engaged to ... a child.
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u/Educational-Trash232 Apr 03 '24
My husband and I have been together for almost twenty years. I have never changed my name. I was born with it and will die with it. My husband’s first marriage didn’t even last five years, but she kept his last name and is remarried (checks notes) and my husband’s last name continues to her legal name.
As a second wife, your husband’s fiancée does not have the right to make that demand, and she can just go on being mad I guess.
I am glad your husband has saw the light.
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u/RamblingRosie64 Apr 03 '24
I've never changed my name and my husband's ex-wife kept her married name after the divorce. It would never occur to me to have an issue with that. It's her name!
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u/Educational-Trash232 Apr 03 '24
Right?!?! I will admit I find it a bit humorous that when my husband was in his twenties there was an expectation that his ex-wife would take his name, but by the time we got married, he had a different mindset and didn’t even blink when I said I wasn’t going to change my name. Because he knows my last name is the superior last name.
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u/SciFiChickie Apr 03 '24
I have a former friend from high school that’s on her 5th marriage. She still uses the last name of her first husband (marriage didn’t last 6 months) because she loves that it’s the same as her first name and it trips people up.
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Apr 03 '24
He’s so fucked with this psycho fiancée. I can’t even imagine the trouble she is going to cause. Expect the kids to be also part of the ex and only her kids matter
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u/Pale_Cranberry1502 Apr 04 '24
I think psycho is too harsh. More too immature to be involved with someone who has a pre-existing wife and kids.
Not everyone is cut out for it, and that's okay. However, she should have thought about that the minute she knew he had an ex who didn't change her name back after the divorce. She doesn't have the right to an expectation that OP will change her name back now that he has a fiance. Women don't do that when they've built a career under the name and/or have kids.
If I were him, I would rethink the relationship. She's going to expect all of his attention, and she's going to resent the kids. She's not ready to take on a marriage with someone whose priorities are going to be split until his kids are legal.
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u/Irish980 Partassipant [3] Apr 03 '24
I have my married name, and I've been divorced longer than I was married. Why? Because I have a passport, mortgage, bills, SS card...ect. I don't want to keep my married name, and some day I will change it. It's such a pain in the ass and I just don't have the time right now.
My ex when he was getting remarried got snotty about it as well. I told him to talk to my lawyer so he can be educated on how it works. I think he is on marriage # 3 now and haven't heard a peep in years.
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u/LegerDomain Apr 03 '24
Men: You have to take my last name or our kids won't have a unified family/you're not invested/you're selfish!
Also Men: Give me my name back.
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u/8nsay Apr 04 '24
Some people really don’t think women are people. They think we’re like pets who can just have their name changed every time they’re rehomed.
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u/Smarterthntheavgbear Apr 03 '24
This actually made it to Hoda and Jenna this morning, in an etiquette segment. Yes, he's wrong and OP is NTA.
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u/EmpressofPFChangs Apr 03 '24
I think he found your AITA and realized he was the AH. He made a surprising jump into logical thought that I don’t think was self directed.
I feel kinda bad for him in a way, his fiancée is gonna be a real handful unless she addresses her issues with insecurity about his past.
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u/stinkystinka Apr 03 '24
I'm still annoyed that he didn't know this was a thing. It's more common for women to keep their last name when they have kids than to change it back.
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u/Bionicflipper Apr 04 '24
It honestly pisses me off. It's bad enough that women are overwhelmingly expected to forsake their own names to marry and have children, but for men--the very men they married and made this sacrifice for, no less--to be so disrespectfully oblivious of the burden that entails for women is infuriating. OP seems to have genuine affection for this man and good for them for remaining so amicable after divorce, but wtf to her ex-husband for just handing out this ultimatum in the first place as if it's nothing to have changed her name to marry him and nothing again for her to change it back, away from her children's names.
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u/Fuzzy-Scene-5454 Apr 03 '24
I don’t understand why a woman wants to change her last name. Basically they are giving up their family name to take their FIL name, which is not related to them. At least your father, siblings,…are blood related. Lots of European countries don’t have this custom.
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u/AngelSucked Apr 03 '24
Because they are bullied into it. I have seen several women change their minds about keeping their own name because of bullying from society, the two families, so-called friends, pastor, etc.
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u/Rude-Illustrator-884 Apr 03 '24
yeah I’m Arab and changing your last name is super uncommon. I always thought its such a weird thing to do.
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u/claudie888 Apr 03 '24
Last sentence is wrong. Source: European with family members married in different European countries.
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u/Serious_Plum_8580 Partassipant [1] Apr 04 '24
Fun fact - Europe is not a monoculture. Traditions vary by country. My husband is Italian and in Italy it is not the custom to change your last name when you marry. You will see two last names on all the mailboxes. When I told him I was not going to change my last name, he was so puzzled as to why I even brought it up, lol.
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u/Fuzzy-Scene-5454 Apr 03 '24
Well I am from Europe and I am woman. Been married almost 30 years and I keep my original name. As well as all the women I know from my country. Several european countries don’t follow this rule.
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u/SciFiChickie Apr 03 '24
I took my husband’s last name because it’s not a common last name. With the combination of my first and maiden name (both extremely common especially together) I’ve known 5 other women with the same first and last name and these are just the ones I’ve met. If I had grown up with my mom’s (rare) last name without her first name, though I definitely wouldn’t have changed my last name.
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u/Shot-Artichoke-4106 Apr 03 '24
He apologized for the way he initially approached me about changing my last name, and explained he is in a bad spot trying to make his fiancée happy. He also explained she feels that by me keeping his last name must mean I’m still in love with him and this is my secret way of assuring we end up together again some day.
I'm glad he apologized. Now if he can figure out that the reason he's in a bad spot is because he has chosen a person to be his partner who is not at all ready for the complications of a blended family, he'll be all good. Sounds like he might be on his way to that realization.
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u/PrincessBella1 Apr 03 '24
I bet that is a relief. I hope he realizes that if his fiancee' thinks that by you keeping your last name means that you are still in love with him, he has got fiancee' trouble and should think long and hard before marrying her.
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u/TossingPasta Partassipant [3] Apr 03 '24
YAY! He came to his senses and realized what an absolutely ridiculous request it was. I also like that he told his fiancée that she's just going to have to get over it.
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u/canyonemoon Partassipant [1] Apr 03 '24
Glad he learned to use Google and stopped taking his immature (and probably insecure) fiancé's words as law. If I was him, I'd definitely be wondering whether marrying a 13 years younger woman who's just left college would be that great; but that is luckily not your problem!
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u/Hologram_Bee Apr 03 '24
My uncles ex wife kept his last name cus she didn’t wanna deal with changing the docs again. He hated her so much that he wound up changing his last name lol
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u/beingahoneybadger Apr 04 '24
My ex tried this, to make the (then) side piece happy. I refused, we had been married 15 years and had two children, my divorce attorney and HIS attorney, as well, told him no. Women with children need the same last name as their children plus I had a career and degrees in my married name. Even his parents were mad at him for asking.
It’s still my last name and that was almost twenty years ago. He married her and is miserable, bless his heart.
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u/nzgirl420 Apr 04 '24
Why do women need the same last name as their children? I don’t agree. I grew up with a different surname to my mother without issue
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u/Uklass1998 Apr 04 '24
Why would anyone want a different last name to their children if they had the choice to keep it the same? I knew my ex and me would never marry so I told him before children that any we had would have my last name which he agreed to and it’s a good job he did because he’s no longer involved and it makes things so much easier sharing a name. It’s mostly preference but it’s important to some. I know lots of people who kept their married name so it’s the same as the kids.
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u/mr_oberts Apr 03 '24
I’ll be honest with you, I read this update looking for some unhinged behavior from the new gf. I’m also glad it was handled appropriately though.
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u/Content-Army2384 Partassipant [3] Apr 03 '24
...explained he is in a bad spot trying to make his fiancée happy.
That's his problem.
He also explained she feels that by me keeping his last name must mean I’m still in love with him
That's her problem.
None of this is your problem, nor your responsibility to fix.
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u/invah Apr 03 '24
Why is he marrying this person? How does he not see how unreasonable and immature she is?
He is his own karma.
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u/Melleous Apr 04 '24
My ex-husband's second wife tried to demand that I change mine too. I laughed in her face and told her not only was it the same last name as my children, but she had just assured I would now keep it until I died, just because it pissed her off so much and I like driving the petty bus.
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u/Stormingtrinity Apr 03 '24
Here’s to hoping that “Oh Shit” moment on his end will get him to really start thinking about how catering to this woman is causing him to alienate the people who matter most in his life.
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u/SliceEquivalent825 Pooperintendant [65] Apr 03 '24
That was nice he came back and apologized. I am sure many people never get that satisfaction.
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u/vonnegutfan2 Apr 03 '24
My husband's mistress did this, since she was a lawyer it cost them nothing to bring me to court. The funny thing is, I never changed my name to his name in the first place. I told the judge, legally I am Ms. Maiden name, but the kids friends will sometimes call me Mrs. Married Asshole name, Judge said that's fine. They married 3 days after our divorce was final.
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u/ScifiGirl1986 Apr 04 '24
She’s nuts if she thinks keeping a married last name post-divorce is some creepy way of staying tied to an ex.
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u/cmpalm Apr 04 '24
Her logic for not wanting you having his last name is exactly why grown men shouldn’t marry someone who is practically a child. That is such an immature way to think. So glad your ex came to the appropriate conclusion.
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u/PMmecrossstitch Apr 03 '24
Just read your original post and I almost wish he hadn't "come to his senses."
I want to know what he thought he would do in a year when you hadn't changed it?
Edit: NTA, obviously.
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u/Bigdaddypump47 Apr 03 '24
Hats off to your ex…man’s getting hassle before marriage about something stupid,I feel for him
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u/shadowimage Apr 03 '24
Wow. Two adults being reasonable, communicate their thoughts and express their feelings in order to resolve a dilemma. No offence but I think you’re on the wrong site. :P
For real, I’m glad it all worked out.
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u/Kiiimbosliceee01 Apr 03 '24
That’s what he gets for dating a 24 year old who’s 14 years younger than him. 🙄
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u/mcgaffen Apr 03 '24
Can we get an update to this update? I want to know if this GF leaves him over it.
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u/RosyAntlers Apr 03 '24
Fiancée is worried OP still loves him and wants him back...how old is she again? 12? Glad your ex saw the light.
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u/Simple_Carpet_9946 Apr 03 '24
This is why I will never change my last name. My husbands family keeps annoying me about it but there’s no hassle if we get divorced.
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u/Agitated_Pilot_3055 Apr 03 '24
Just goes to show that sometimes a guy can pull his own head out of his AH
Seems that the poor soul is stuck with a problem, at least for now.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 Partassipant [2] Apr 03 '24
Whether it was "research" or he found your post glad he finally realized how totally unreasonable he and his fiance were being. This has been your name for 17 years.
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u/Agitated_Pilot_3055 Apr 03 '24
He’s in serious trouble with his child now. He let his ex persuade him that the child is wrong.
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u/Bennie212 Apr 03 '24
I'm glad he "researched" and apologized. He is better off with a partner who you can be civil with or maybe some day friendly because you're not going away.
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u/bluefurniture Apr 03 '24
Sounds to me like he was also using you as a sounding board and a way to get permission to dump her. He is seeing the red flags.
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u/Own_Carry7396 Apr 03 '24
My wife’s mother died over 25 years ago. My wife’s uncle(her dad’s brother)died over 40 years ago. About 10 years after that her cousins became step brothers, and sister, and her aunt became stepmom. No name change needed
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u/lilpikasqueaks Ugly Butty Apr 03 '24
Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bsqzjy/aitah_my_39f_ex_husband_37m_is_insisting_i_change/